It’s my life and I’m still here to enjoy it, so I guess that makes every day special. Yesterday was no exception.

A loving good morning wake up with the girlfriend. When it was time for her to go, I walked her (with Buddy) out to the front gate. Said our goodbyes with a plan to meet up for lunch. I came back home and did my overdue blog post. Yeah, it seems I’ll be a morning blogger on most days henceforth.

With my readers taken care of, I headed out to get myself a little exercise.

I was anticipating a 1:00 pm meet-up with my gal but shortly before the appointed time, she messaged that there would be a delay. Apparently, her phone went dead after that because there were no responses to my status update inquiries. Shortly before 3:00 I grew tired of waiting and decided to head out to the Car Wash (her resto). She wasn’t there either, so I moved on to the Palm Tree where I had originally planned to have lunch.

As you can see, the beach is nearly deserted. That’s a HUGE change from just one week ago when the hotels were jam-packed with visitors from out of town. The recently imposed travel restrictions/vaccine mandates have had a devasting impact on everything. Except for COVID, of course. My neck is sore from shaking my head at the stupidity of the bureaucrats running this country. Oh well.

Anyway, before I’d finished my first beer I heard from the girlfriend. Her phone had indeed died but she was on her way to join me at last. We dined, chatted, and enjoyed the beach views. After our late lunch/early dinner, we headed back to the Car Wash. I guess I’m getting to be a regular there now and enjoyed some conversations with a couple of the other guests. The plan for later was to visit the Whiskey Girl bar and help the manager there, Jonnie Tango, celebrate his 77th birthday.

After the party, it was back to the Car Wash for more beer and conversation. I saw a big red flag but chose to ignore it. I’ve still got a lot to learn about tempering my particular brand of humor, but I’m trying. The night ended on a more positive note, just around midnight. Yep, I’m adapting to my new reality. Slept in until 6:30 this morning, two hours later than my old normal. Poor Buddy doesn’t know what to think, but he’ll adapt too I’m sure.

And now it is time to get on with my Sunday.

Sorry for my failure to post here yesterday. I’m in the midst of changing my lifestyle, routines, and schedule to accommodate my new having a girlfriend status. So, I’m staying up later lately, sleeping later into the morning, and filling in my waking hours with non-internet-related activities.

Here’s a quick catch-up on what’s been happening:

Tuesday is supposed to be my shopping day. As I expected, SBMA would not allow me entry access without a vaccination card, so there will be no Royal groceries in the foreseeable future. The malls and other supermarkets off base also require proof of vaccination for entry. I picked up a few essentials at a small market and dog food at a pet store to get me through the week. I reckon my vaccinated helper is going to have to handle shopping chores next week

Here in town, so far none of the local businesses, bars, and restaurants are requiring vax cards. Except for The Pub which has a sign up saying entry is forbidden without proof of vaccination because “it’s the law”. Well, it’s not the law, it is a bureaucratic mandate that he alone thus far as has chosen to adhere to. Disappointed in his response, but his business is his business. As a customer, I can only vote with my feet.

Played darts without incident on Tuesday night.

I woke up with some body aches on Wednesday morning. My girlfriend suggested skipping the Wednesday Walkers group hike and joining her for a stroll on the beach instead. Call it an offer I couldn’t refuse. We had breakfast at Harley’s, a stroll on Baloy beach, I introduced her to the new McCoy’s beach bor (water and juice only, it was too early for beer). Then we triked back to my house for some rest and recreation.

After that task was completed, she went to work and I was back on Baloy for the opening week of dart league. We defeated our opponent from Johan’s 9-4.

Went back to see the girlfriend after darts and took her to dinner at Mango’s where we enjoyed the grilled pork chops. A nice end to the day.

Anyway, I wasn’t able to fit any blogging time into my whacked Wednesday this time. Hopefully, I will find a rhythm that allows me time for the essentials. Wasn’t even able to read the blogs I frequent. That’s not good!

And now, I’ve got to grab a shower and head out to meet the girlfriend for some lunch and maybe a long beach walk. It’s a whole new kind of boring and much more enjoyable!

Thanks for your understanding!

Well I’m lonely now but my heart is free
I enjoy a beer and watch a tree,
I can see a cloud and feel the breeze,
I can buy some bread and a bit of cheese.
And I know full well it is my right
To begin to live the rest of my life
--James Kavanaugh

Alright, what a wild ride these past few days have been. I’ll lay out the events as they transpired and then try and justify my actions, knowing full well that may be impossible.

Here goes: I mentioned in an earlier post that I encountered Dick while I was out drinking Thursday night at Queen Victoria. Well, encountered is probably not the right word for it. He came to the bar next to where I was sitting, ordered a beer, then sat down at a table behind me. He didn’t say anything to me. I could overhear part of the conversation from the other person sitting at Dick’s table. It was along the lines of “You need to go home. Let me help you get a trike.” Dick was not receptive. He finished his beer and left the bar. I could see as he walked out that he was very drunk.

I left the bar a little bit later. My friend’s place is almost across the street from Queen Victoria so I decided to discreetly walk past. Dick was face down at a table in the outdoor portion of resto. A guy I know named Ernie was sitting at the outside counter with a mom. When Ernie saw me he came out to the street to say hello and ask where I was going. I said I was heading home but would have a beer with him somewhere else if he wanted. So we went a block up the road to an outdoor stand near the 7/11. I asked how things were at the other place and he told me the owner wasn’t there but everything was cool. I asked if she and Dick were a couple now and he indicated that was his impression. Oh, well. Sorry for her. About this time we saw Dick stumble past on his way home.

I’d been drinking quite a bit myself so perhaps my judgment was impaired but I thought I’d have one last beer at the old place. Since Dick wasn’t there it shouldn’t be an issue. Ernie came with me. When we arrived a lady was seated outside with a couple of customers. She looked stunning in a red dress. I greeted her jokingly as a first-time customer, and she said welcome. Then sat back down at the counter with her back to me for the remainder of the visit. Alright, then. Time to go home.

When I got home I sent her a message apologizing for the intrusion. She responded that it was good to see me again. I took the bait and told her I’d been missing her and wanted to wish her the best. She said she missed me too. And then we continued chatting about the past and the events leading to our breakup. It seemed we had achieved a better understanding of our issues, but not to the extent of patching things up either. But it was all positive and I felt good about it.

We exchanged good mornings before I departed for my Friday hike, so the lines of communication appeared to have been reopened. Friday was a crazy day with the Hash leadership meeting almost immediately after the hike. After the meeting, I headed over to Alley Cats for the dart tourney. Before the tourney began I got a message from my friend Sean, saying he had some “intel” regarding a girl and Dick. I had previously confided in him that I wasn’t quite over for her yet. At the time he just shook his head and told me to find a new girl. Anyway, the tourney hadn’t started yet, so I bailed out and went to meet Sean at IDM. I was very interested in his “intel”. It seems he had had occasion to speak with both Dick and the girl (separately), and the bottom line was they were not a couple. Yeah, Dick wanted her still, but the girl wasn’t reciprocating. Hmm.

Later that evening I sent her a message and asked if I was welcome to visit her place. She responded that of course I was and she would be happy to see me there. Good to know. I briefly considered stopping by on my way home, but I’d been drinking since early afternoon, and I didn’t want to make my re-entrance into her life while drunk. She’s not keen on drinking to excess which is why I could never see her being in a happy relationship with Dick. I went home and went to bed.

Sometime during the night, I woke up with a weird feeling. I’m not going to lie, since the breakup with my ex she was usually the last thought before I slept and the first thought upon waking. But this was different. I felt like there had been a disconnection, like hanging up on the phone. I can’t really explain it more than that gut feeling.

When I was on the computer later that morning I got a notification that my ex had deleted a message. I went to check messenger and saw that she had deleted the ones about my being welcome at her business and that she would be happy to see me. I messaged her asking what were the reasons for the deletions. She responded, “I’m setting you free to live the life you want and to be whoever you want to be.” WTF? I was getting dizzy from this roller coaster ride. I guess she decided she didn’t want me in her life in any capacity after all. It stung, but what could I do about it? Her life, her call.

So, time for me to move on with my life, right? Ernie messaged me yesterday asking if I wanted to join him at a new beach bar on Baloy. Hell, yes! We agreed to meet up at 3:00. So, as I’m hoofing it to Baloy and walking past the 7/11 who do I see sitting outside her new, and as yet unopened, resto-bar. Yep, the ex in the flesh. I decided to say hello. She had her back to me as I approached and was sitting with her cousin who will be running the place. I asked if this was the grand opening, he responded “not yet”. Silence from her. Never once even made eye contact. Okay then. I said good luck and left.

When I got to the beach bar I sent her a message apologizing for the intrusion and promising to never bother her again. I also said that I had remained friends with all my ex-wives and was sorry she didn’t want to maintain a friendly relationship.

And then it happened. She let loose. Telling me that she still had feelings for me. She had let me go so I could find my happiness. I responded that I wanted to be happy with her. And she said that’s what she wanted to. Yep, we were back to professing our love for one another.

I invited her to the beach bar but she said another time would be better. Would I join her at her place later? Of course, I would. I was already five beers into my afternoon, so I caught a trike home to rest up/sober up some before meeting her. I headed out to her resto around 6:00. She hadn’t returned yet, so I sat at the outside table and waited. She arrived about 45 minutes later, and we briefly chatted, but in a bland, platonic way. I understood better than I had in our first go-round that that is how she is in work mode. No problem, if I’m going to make this work I’m going to need to be better at accepting her the way she is. I knew she would be coming home with me, what else do I need? And then Dick arrived.

If Dick was surprised to see me, he played it off pretty well. He set about repairing the bar stools (fighting some screws and bolts) which was certainly a helpful gesture. Afterward, he sat down at the table where Pearl and I were seated. She was in the middle, equidistant from us both. Dick can put the beers away, that’s for sure. I was intentionally drinking slowly but he was doing at least two for every one that I drank. I ordered up my old favorite, some honey chicken wings. my girl also had a quesadilla and chicken fingers brought to our table. I got drafted to be the DJ again and Dick and I had pleasant chats focused on different songs and artists.

And that’s how the night went on. And on. And on. Dick left for a while around 9:00. He was probably surprised that I was still there when he returned 30 minutes later. In my previous iteration, I’d have been home asleep by now. During his absence, she had moved closer to me and she stayed there when he returned. And then what I perceived as kind of a “Mexican standoff” ensued. I wasn’t leaving until Dick left, and he wasn’t going to leave me alone with the girl. That’s how it felt anyway. So, the hours trickled by. Other customers came and went. Around midnight my buds Ernie and Sean came in, and the party rocked on.

My girl had to stay until closing and I guess they remain open until the customers are all gone. Dick wound up about as drunk as he was when I’d seen him at Queen Victoria. Finally, around 1:30 the waitress announced the last call for alcohol. Dick stumbled out and my girl accompanied him to the trike stand, returning a few minutes later. I stood by while she and the help closed up shop. Then we caught a trike home to my place.

Some passion and some talk until the wee hours of the morning. She went home and we are planning to meet up again later today. My head is still spinning from this unexpected turn of events.

Alright. Everyone probably thinks I’m making a huge mistake. Perhaps time will prove them right. But how can I not at least take the chance to make this work? She’s like no one I’ve met before. I can learn to be more accommodating to her quirks and hopefully, she’ll be accepting of mine. Only one way to find out, and that’s to try and make it work this time.

What have a got to lose? I’m reminded of this John Greenleaf Whittier poem.

Maud Muller, on a summer's day,
Raked the meadows sweet with hay.

Beneath her torn hat glowed the wealth
Of simple beauty and rustic health.

Singing, she wrought, and her merry glee
The mock-bird echoed from his tree.

But, when she glanced to the far-off town,
White from its hill-slope looking down,


The sweet song died, and a vague unrest
And a nameless longing filled her breast--

A wish, that she hardly dared to own,
For something better than she had known.

The Judge rode slowly down the lane,
Smoothing his horse's chestnut mane.

He drew his bridle in the shade
Of the apple-trees, to greet the maid,


And ask a draught from the spring that flowed
Through the meadow across the road.

She stooped where the cool spring bubbled up,
And filled for him her small tin cup,

And blushed as she gave it, looking down
On her feet so bare, and her tattered gown.

"Thanks!" said the Judge, "a sweeter draught
From a fairer hand was never quaffed."

He spoke of the grass and flowers and trees,
Of the singing birds and the humming bees;

Then talked of the haying, and wondered whether
The cloud in the west would bring foul weather.

And Maud forgot her briar-torn gown,
And her graceful ankles bare and brown;

And listened, while a pleasant surprise
Looked from her long-lashed hazel eyes.

At last, like one who for delay
Seeks a vain excuse, he rode away,

Maud Muller looked and sighed: "Ah, me!
That I the Judge's bride might be!

"He would dress me up in silks so fine,
And praise and toast me at his wine.

"My father should wear a broadcloth coat;
My brother should sail a painted boat.

"I'd dress my mother so grand and gay,
And the baby should have a new toy each day.

"And I'd feed the hungry and clothe the poor,
And all should bless me who left our door."

The Judge looked back as he climbed the hill,
And saw Maud Muller standing still.

"A form more fair, a face more sweet,
Ne'er hath it been my lot to meet.

"And her modest answer and graceful air
Show her wise and good as she is fair.

"Would she were mine, and I to-day,
Like her, a harvester of hay:

"No doubtful balance of rights and wrongs,
Nor weary lawyers with endless tongues,

"But low of cattle, and song of birds,
And health, and quiet, and loving words."

But he thought of his sisters, proud and cold,
And his mother, vain of her rank and gold.

So, closing his heart, the Judge rode on,
And Maud was left in the field alone.

But the lawyers smiled that afternoon,
When he hummed in court an old love-tune;

And the young girl mused beside the well,
Till the rain on the unraked clover fell.

He wedded a wife of richest dower,
Who lived for fashion, as he for power.

Yet oft, in his marble hearth's bright glow,
He watched a picture come and go:


And sweet Maud Muller's hazel eyes
Looked out in their innocent surprise.

Oft when the wine in his glass was red,
He longed for the wayside well instead;

And closed his eyes on his garnished rooms,
To dream of meadows and clover-blooms.

And the proud man sighed, with a secret pain,
"Ah, that I were free again!


"Free as when I rode that day,
Where the barefoot maiden raked her hay."

She wedded a man unlearned and poor,
And many children played round her door.

But care and sorrow, and child-birth pain,
Left their traces on heart and brain.

And oft, when the summer sun shone hot
On the new-mown hay in the meadow lot,

And she heard the little spring brook fall
Over the roadside, through the wall,

In the shade of the apple-tree again
She saw a rider draw his rein,

And, gazing down with timid grace,
She felt his pleased eyes read her face.

Sometimes her narrow kitchen walls
Stretched away into stately halls;

The weary wheel to a spinnet turned,
The tallow candle an astral burned;

And for him who sat by the chimney lug,
Dozing and grumbling o'er pipe and mug,

A manly form at her side she saw,
And joy was duty and love was law.

Then she took up her burden of life again,
Saying only, "It might have been."

Alas for maiden, alas for Judge,
For rich repiner and household drudge!


God pity them both! and pity us all,
Who vainly the dreams of youth recall;

For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: "It might have been!"

Ah, well! for us all some sweet hope lies
Deeply buried from human eyes;

And, in the hereafter, angels may
Roll the stone from its grave away!

Yeah, I can hardly believe this is happening either. Call me a fool if you will, but I choose to make a stand for love. Even if it kills me in the end.

Every time when I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by, like dusk to dawn
Isn’t that the way
Everybody’s got the dues in life to pay

Let me tell you about how my Tuesday went down. It’s shopping day, but this one was going to be special. Roan was coming with me. After the groceries were bought and paid for the driver and my helper would take them home. Meanwhile, Roan and I would head over to the Harbor Point mall and get our heads examined. Well, our eyes anyway. I figured we’d do a little shopping after that, then go for some lunch at my favorite Korean restaurant, Seoul. Alas, she stood me up. She didn’t respond to any of my messages, and when I went by her place at the appointed hour, she wasn’t outside waiting. She messaged me last night with an apology saying her failure to show wasn’t about me but offering no real explanation as to what happened. Lesson learned, don’t try and take a bar “relationship” out of the bar. Still, it was quite disappointing.

I brooded at home the rest of the morning and into the afternoon, then it was time to head out for darts. My goal was to just keep it fun, and it turns out that I threw better than I have in quite some time. Maybe there is some correlation between those things.

After the tournament, I visited The Pub for a little nourishment. Kept it simple with a Philly cheesesteak sandwich.

Did a nightcap at Outback then headed on home to my boys.

So, if yesterday qualifies as a bad day, I’m pretty damn lucky, don’t you think?

Sing with me, sing for the year
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear
Sing with me, if it’s just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away

Dream on
Dream on
Dream on
Dream until your dreams come true

Here’s how I spent a loveless first day of the rest of my life yesterday.

To begin, I had this idea that I ought to shift my focus outward instead of inward. It being the Christmas season and all, the were lots of opportunities to do so. For example, I needed to go to Subic to get some cash from an ATM. Yeah, the only BPI machine in Barretto works less the half the time. It seems it is always out of money. People need cash for shopping, I suppose. Anyway, since I was making the trip to Subic anyway, I invited Joy to join me at Waltermart so she could do a little Christmas shopping for her kids. It was kind of nice watching her pick out some clothes. I suggested she get them a toy too. Joy asked if she could also get something for Jen (her co-worker, friend, and neighbor) and I told her go ahead. Ho! Ho! Ho! It’s fun to be Santa Claus.

The checkout line was massive but I somehow managed to keep my cool through that ordeal. After paying, when I went to the BPI ATM in the mall it was also out of money. So disappointing! I needed to restock my cash supply, so we caught a trike to the BPI branch office in Subic town I use. After we arrived I was disappointed to note that one of the two ATMs was not working and there were several people in line to use the remaining machine that was functioning.

Watching Filipinos use an ATM is as fascinating as it is frustrating. With one exception, everyone in front of me went through this process. Insert card, check balance, print receipt showing balance, end transaction. Re-insert the card, make a cash withdrawal, take the money and put it in a billfold, take out ANOTHER bank card, and repeat the above process. After watching this insanity several times I thought my head was going to explode. I also figured that at this rate by the time my turn came this machine too would run out of cash.

When my turn finally arrived, I gave the now even longer line behind me a demonstration in proper ATM etiquette. Had my card in hand as I approached the machine. Inserted the card. Entered my PIN. Selected withdrawal from checking. Requested P20,000. The machine whirred, spit out my card, and released forty P500 notes into my waiting hand. Took less than a minute. I didn’t get the expected round of applause, but maybe the crowd was dumbfounded by my expertise. Anyway, mission accomplished.

We took a Jeepney back to Barretto and I asked Joy if she were hungry. She was, so I called out “para po” as we approached Mango’s. We sat down at a table in the back and waited. And waited. Save for one customer, the place was deserted. That customer told us the waitress was making a room service delivery. So we waited some more. Then my already strained patience ran out, and I lold Joy, “let’s go.”

As we were leaving, we ran into the waitress doing something at the front desk. “John, why you leave?” she called out. I told her tired of waiting and she apologized, explaining she was the only one on duty. I told her it is not her fault, I’ll talk to Gie (the manager) about inadequate staffing the next time I see her. Merry Christmas!

We walked the block to Sit-n-Bull and as usual, I was greeted warmly by the waitresses. Later, the owner Ron came by the table for a brief chat. Ah, the joys of being a regular! We ordered our food and while I was eating, I got a message that both hurt my feelings and distressed me. Didn’t even finish my burger. I told Joy I needed to go and gave her some transportation money and a 500 peso gift.

When I got home, I set about changing the status of all my posts involving the woman who claimed to love me, to “private”. That made them invisible to you, my readers. I got an email later from Kevin Kim asking what happened, and when I explained he suggested making them password protected and providing the password to trusted readers. So, that’s what I wound up doing. I’m using the same password for all my protected posts. Email me if you would like that password. I don’t intend to make a habit of making my posts difficult to access, but the unique circumstance of small-town gossip and veiled threats made it prudent to do so for those few posts. Sorry for the inconvenience.

While all this was going on, I got a message from Martha, begging me to let her give me a massage so she could buy shoes for her child. Damn. I wasn’t even sure who she was, but we were Facebook friends and had chatted a few times previously. She said she lived nearby, so I told her fine, come on over. In my mind, I thought she was a girl I had met at Thumbstar during my bar review. But when Martha arrived I didn’t remember ever seeing her before.

So, I stripped to my underwear, handed her a bottle of baby oil, and laid down on the bed. She proceeded to give me a decent enough massage. When I rolled over onto my back, she looked at me expectantly, and then gestured if I wanted her to undress. Sure, why not. And so that’s how the massage ended. Honestly, I didn’t enjoy it much. No emotional connection to her whatsoever, and she wasn’t nearly as talented as my ex. I gave her the expected amount for her services, walked her to a shortcut exit from the neighborhood, and said goodbye. I have no intention of seeing her again in the future.

Alright, and for the record, I didn’t have bad intentions. It wasn’t like my now-defunct “FWB” program. This gal contacted me and offered massage services. She also indicated that she was willing and wanting to provide the happy ending. I didn’t ask her for anything and paid her a more than fair amount for her service. And now her kid will have shoes for Christmas.

I make that disclaimer above because I don’t want to get back into a completely transactional mode with whatever women I encounter on my journey to the future. Yes, there will be women, hopefully sex, and probably no love, but I’m going to be more in a dating mode than a buying one. We’ll see how that works out for me. Call it a New Year’s resolution.

So, I was overdue for another bar review and Wet Spot was next up in the queue. If you read that post you’ll recall I spent time with this lovely lady there:

Thirty-five and no kids. Long-time bar worker. Good conversationalist. Nice sense of humor (as measured by her capacity to laugh at my jokes). At one point I broached going on a date and she seemed excited about the idea. I asked her what was her day off and she said Monday. Oh, I Hash on Mondays, do you like to hike? “No.” Okay then, looks like it will be a lunch date before work one day. Or maybe nothing at all. I gifted her 500 pesos and headed over to Cheap Charlies.

Alma hadn’t been there during my visit on Sunday, so she’d missed out on the Christmas bounty. That may or may not be why she had messaged me for the first time in forever. Still, it was good to hear from her and she is a sweet woman, so I wanted to see her before Christmas (even if she is a Muslim). She actually popped up in my Facebook memories the other day. I’ve been knowing her for over three years now.

Anyway, she was happy to see me. Got the usual shoulder rub and for the first time got to give her something in return.

We shared some drinks and chat and I gave her 1000 pesos for the holiday cheer. I’d consider dating her as well.

While I was at Cheap Charlies I got a message from Bhel, the bartender at Outback. She’s the one I helped with surgery expenses. Anyway, she asked me if I would please come by the bar. Why not? So, I finished my beer and headed up the highway.

When I arrived, Bhel handed me this bag:

Of course, I gifted her with 500 pesos. A nice way to end the night.

Maybe my bar relationships aren’t as meaningless as I make out. Just another set of friends to make this life’s journey of mine a little more pleasant. That’s enough for now!

And let’s not forget the first Christmas Eve:

Just a quick update from my current “life goes on” adventure. I miss Pamela but I expect she is much further down the moving on road than I am. Walked by her place yesterday on my way to darts. I was on the opposite side of the highway, but I refrained from looking as I passed. Not ready to witness her new life just yet.

As to insights I might have gained, nothing significant to report at this time. I think we were just in different places, a “right love at the wrong time” kind of situation perhaps. Maybe the generational gap played a part in that as well. I don’t think we truly understood each other. And she was just as likely to get pissed by my humorous takes on things as she was to laugh. This breakup has not triggered a bout of depression, but I do carry the burden of sadness. That will pass in time. My takeaway is that our unhappy ending was for the best, perhaps inevitable, especially given her unwillingness to try and talk through and resolve our issues.

But, there are some good things to embrace as well. I’ve already mentioned how much I appreciate the comments and insights my readers here have provided. And I was touched to see that my failures in love inspired a poem called ode to a man who keeps losing women:

you can stick a penis in it
but that doesn't mean you win it
you can get in bed and rock it
but her love ain't in your pocket
you can make her sing a high note
but her foot is still in your scrote
what's the use?
what's the use?
what's the use?

Thanks for that Kevin Kim!

Speaking of Kevin, I came across a post I wrote after the 2017 heartbreak rendered unto me by Loraine. In the comments, Kevin offered up this gem of wisdom:

The Hindu concept of life is that it’s a painful wheel of existence called samsara. We’re chained to this repetitive, revolving wheel through our actions (karma). The object of the game is to gain enough wisdom about the nature of things so as to escape an eternity of repeating the wheel of life-events, again and again, all thanks to our accidental or deliberate unwisdom. Good luck as you examine deep causes and do your best to find liberation from the wheel (moksha) and bliss in your life (ananda). Every day is a new chance to walk a different path!

Yes, indeed! I will definitely seek out a different path. But it won’t be a quest for love. If love is my destiny, it is going to have to find me. I can, and will, be happy without it.

I made a drunken post on Facebook Monday saying “I wasn’t expecting a broken heart for Christmas this year.” Well, that got some reactions and hug emojis, but my favorite comment was from Carol, aka, ex-wife #3:

Carol: get a doll

Me:  haha. A living doll?

Carol: if it’s living it will leave too.

Me:  yeah. Sad but true.

Carol: it’s ok. I think the part you like is the falling “in love”. As long as they keep leaving you get to keep falling over and over. Win-win.

Me:  wow. That’s a good way to look at it. Thanks!

Me: I think I love you!

Carol: You’ll get over it.

Funny shit. On a more serious note, Carol also said the root of my failures is: “because he keeps dating out of his age group and has nothing in common with them socially, economically, religiously, etc.” Yeah, some of my commenters have said the same.

Anyway, my Day 2 Without Her was pretty much like my days were before her.

After the barber, I visited Hideaway bar to see Joy (the cute 23-year-old from Finger Monkey). Bought her a couple of drinks and slipped her some Christmas money so she can buy presents for her kids. She was looking pretty cute, perhaps a sign that my recovery is in progress.

Next stop was Alley Cats for the darts tournament.

While I was at Alley Cats I got a message from someone named Ricardo saying he was coming to my house at 5:00 and would I be home. I said no, I have darts. And who are you? Duh, it was my landlord. Wasn’t expecting a visit from him because he lives in Singapore. Home for the holidays and he wanted to do a meet and greet with me. Sorry!

After darts, my pal Kevin joined me for dinner and more beer at the Outback. Had some good Fish and Chips and chatted with the bartender, Bhel. She is the one I helped out with with surgery expenses. It was good to see her recovered and back at work.

And oh yeah, shopping at Royal. I’ve been hearing about the inflation spiral in the USA and got to witness it first hand in the cheese section:

Alright, this is my Wacky Wednesday. Need to head out for my hike with the Walkers, then rush home, shower up, and head to Baloy for dart league. It’s our last match of the season, thankfully. I hate having to rush around.

That’s where I’m at at the moment. Forward! No more looking back!

XXXX came out of the bedroom this morning carrying a bag full of the clothes she had left here. I knew at the moment she was leaving for good. I had to press her to get her to admit that fact though. As to the why, the best she could come up with was that I wasn’t happy with her. She wasn’t entirely wrong about that, but I wasn’t the one who was so willing to give up. Then again, I guess she has another option waiting in the wings.

Yesterday afternoon I went to XXXX’s place to see her. Of course, she was seated with Dick and his pals. That morning we had planned to spend some time together doing something unspecified–maybe some time at the beach or watching movies on TV. XXXX did come outside to join me but seemed distracted somehow. I asked her what she wanted to do and she didn’t have any suggestions. I asked about dinner, and she said where? I suggested Mango’s or somewhere on Baloy. She said let’s just get takeout and eat at your place.

And then it got kind of weird. She’s sitting right next to me but starts sending text messages. “You go first, I’ll meet you at your place”. I answered verbally, no, let’s go and order our food together and go home together. Another message that she wanted to leave separately. Well, I wasn’t going to fight about it then and there, but I knew this was a subject that required some serious discussion. I went to Mango’s and ordered pork chops and roast chicken for takeout. When the food was ready I texted her to meet me outside Mango’s (it’s only a block from her place). She told me to wait. So I waited. After several minutes, I texted back in frustration “where are you?”. No response. Fuck this, I walked back to her place. She was sitting outside alone. She said I ordered kebabs. Why? I’ve already got the food. About this time the kebabs came, she put them with the rest of the food and told me to go first and she would meet me at home. Whatever. I left.

I admit I was in a sour mood after she arrived. We ate in silence, then watched a movie on Netflix, and then went to bed. This morning she packed up and left me.

So, she says it’s because of my behavior as described above. Since I got angry with her it means I’m not happy in the relationship. Maybe she’s right and maybe I’m the one who should have left her. But I was willing to at least try and find a way to make it work. She wasn’t.

Isn’t that the story of my life?

For I shall always let thee do,
   In generous love, just what I please.
Peace comes, and discord flies away,
   Love’s bright day follows hatred’s night;
For I am ready to admit
   That you are wrong and I am right.

So, here’s a quick update on what’s going on with me, at least to the extent that I have a clue. More of the same for the most part, with the occasional knife twist to the heart. Anyway, I am keeping things in perspective and just trying to enjoy the ride.

Yesterday began early, with ***** arriving on my doorstep at 1:00 in the morning. It was apparent that she had been drinking which is unusual given that she consumes low-alcohol beer very slowly. She said she’d been to the Whiskey Girl bar to see the live band. And then she told the story of how she’d been coerced into attending by her mother and a friend of Dick’s. And of course, he was there too. I guess after she arrived they kept plying her with drinks until she finally found the will to escape.

Alright, I appreciated her honesty. But I wasn’t a happy camper. To begin, when I’d left her that night I was under the impression she would be following me shortly thereafter. Going somewhere else was to my thinking choosing someone else’s company over mine. And yeah, I knew Dick was using her mother as a tool to drive a wedge between us and I was sorry to see it was working. ***** continued to insist Dick was just a friend and there is nothing physical between them. I believe her, but it is disconcerting that she continues to put him ahead of me in too many ways. I did not have a restful night and was reaching the conclusion that the time for me to bail had arrived.

***** slept in and we didn’t leave the house until almost 8:00 a.m. We walked the beach to the Arizona resort and had breakfast there, then walked back on the beach to her place. We talked along the way and she reiterated her stance that Dick was a good customer and that he brought a lot of other friends with him which helps her business. It’s always good to know your relative importance in the grand scheme of things I suppose, but somehow that didn’t make me feel much better. I didn’t end things though, but in my mind, the protective barriers were going up and I was backing off.

I didn’t hear from Pearl during the day, so I messaged her late in the afternoon asking if she were hungry. She responded that she had ordered something from Papagayo, her favorite restaurant. I asked if that meant she wouldn’t be joining me for dinner and she answered with a smiley face. WTF does that mean?

I decided to visit Hideaway bar to see how my friends Joy and Jen, formerly with Finger Monkey, were getting on. I sat down at the bar and they joined me, one on either side. I’d also baked a batch of brownies which everyone seemed to enjoy. I bought them both a lady drink and settled in to enjoy my first beer of the day. Then another girl there that I didn’t recognize asked me about *****. How do you know *****, I asked. I’m her cousin, don’t you remember meeting me at her place? Oh, vaguely. The cousin also remembered me from darts and where my ex-girlfriend used to live. Small town scary! Of course, I bought the cousin a drink too. I also decided to get ahead of the curve by messaging ***** that I was at Hideaway and drinking with her cousin. ***** deleted her first response before I read it, then followed up with “just stay there and have fun.” Hmm. I then sent several follow-up messages regarding dinner and getting together later that she ignored. Her reaction seemed both weird and hypocritical to me. I had another beer then departed Hideaway moving up the highway to It Doesn’t Matter.

When I arrived at IDM, fellow Hashers Jim and Troy were seated in the outdoor section and I joined them at the counter. Ordered up a beer and it was delivered by my favorite waitress, Roan. A bit later, Scott arrived and I learned he was celebrating his 72nd birthday. Way to go, old man!

Sitting there next to Roan got me thinking yet again about those carefree days before I started down the relationship road. Yeah, it may be an empty and meaningless life without love, but then again, the lack of drama and the variety that comes with being a free man are fair compensations. A good reminder that whatever the future may bring I’ll be okay.

A couple of more beers and still no responses from ***** led me to a “fuck it, if she wants to end things she can do it to my face” decision. So, off I went to her bistro. When I arrived, ***** was seated at the outside table with three other men, one of whom I’m acquainted with. Dick was inside with the mother. I ordered a beer and sat down at the counter and I was happy to see ***** pull up a stool and join me. The other guys included me when they bought their next round of beers and I reciprocated. And that’s how things continued for the next couple of hours.

Oh, I did get roped into being the group DJ. ***** asked that I do a Bluetooth connection with her sound system and play music from my Spotify account. At the table the discussion turned to classic rock and talented guitar players, and I was besieged with song requests to play. No problem. It was actually kind of fun. Dick came out after a while and joined the group at the table, He also had some song requests and things were amicable between us throughout the evening.

I’d reached my consumption limit (perhaps exceeded it some) at 10:00 and announced my departure. ***** said she’d join me later. She arrived around midnight. She told me after I left, Dick had vomited. She said she was worried for him because he has no one to take care of him when he is ill. Again, I think she is sincere in her concern, but I wasn’t interested in hearing it. I went back to sleep while she was showering.

I was up at my usual 4:30 a.m. to start my morning rituals. I also baked up a batch of blueberry muffins for breakfast. When I had finished my chores, I took one of those pills I bought and went back to bed to cuddle with *****. When she awoke she responded to my touch and we had an amazing session. Honestly, I think she is the best I’ve ever had, and I’ve experienced well over 100 women in this life of mine. She has a passion that is so satisfying to experience.

While she was cleaning up, I took Buddy for a walk.

When I returned home, I fried up some bacon to go with the muffins and we enjoyed a fine breakfast together. Afterward, we sat on the couch and she reiterated that her feelings for Dick were platonic, but she does really care for him as a friend. I told her I thought getting involved with him, even as a friend, was a mistake. But I also said she was a grown woman and I was not going to tell her what to do.

We kind of left the topic there because I caught a glimpse of that sweet ass and we wound up back in the bedroom for Round 2.

After we had gotten dressed again, ***** surprised me by offering to join me on my morning walk. Cool, let’s go! We had a pleasant enough hike through the backstreets of San Isidro. At one point I said something about my being willing to step aside if she decided she wanted to pursue something with Dick. I was being sincere, but she took it wrong and was offended. I pointed out that to me, that’s what love is all about–making the happiness of your partner more important than your own. Recited something from that old “if you love someone, let them go…” saying and she seemed more accepting. She reassured me again that they were just friends.

We did have a little excitement towards the end of our hike. We were on a back street in Alta Vista and as we passed the only house on the block, a couple of dogs came out through the fence barking aggressively. Pearl was a little scared, but my mailman experience taught me to respond to aggression with more aggression and most dogs witl back off. What you don’t want to do is turn your back on them, and these dogs were inching closer as we tried to move up the road. I turned around to face them, pulled off my ball cap, and started yelling and waving it around. And then the Filipina owner came out and instead of controlling her dogs, started yelling and cussing at me to leave her dogs alone. Well, that pissed me off and I started yelling back at her to keep her dogs in the yard. It went on like that back and forth for a bit, and I guess I made some kind of face at her, then we walked on. As we passed the shack where the guards live one was outside and I told him what happened. He said he’d speak with the woman. Okay, good enough.

And just a few minutes ago, my helper said the guard had some questions for me and was waiting outside. I walked out to find two guards, the woman I had the confrontation with, and her partner (they are a lesbian couple, not that it matters). Anyway, we began by reiterating the events that led to our disagreement–she thought I was trying to hurt her dogs and I said I was just trying to keep them away. Then she said she was sorry for being so aggressively loud and I apologized for the misunderstanding of her intentions and my rude behavior. We shook hands and that was that.

After our hike, ***** went on her way to the business with the promise of joining me this afternoon for whatever activities we want to share. And as I sat down to write this post my phone rang and it was *****. She told me she was going to get Dick some medicine. I responded, “okay, then.” She ended the call with a see you later. Whatever that means.

And the saga continues.

An interesting evening yesterday. The things that were revealed were not of Biblical proportions, but they may have served a beneficial purpose nonetheless. Here’s how it went down.

Pamela had indicated she’d have some free time away from work and I had my sights set on taking her out for a proper dinner at The Pub. She sent me a message around 4:30 that she was heading home to shower and change. Good stuff. I went to Cheap Charlies to do my bar review (see previous post). When that task was complete, I crossed the highway and visited It Doesn’t Matter to score some drugs.

Maybe that last statement requires a bit more explanation. I’d previously encountered a street vendor there selling tadalafil and I needed wanted some. After all, I’m a 66-year-old man with a 28-year-old girlfriend. I’d actually been prescribed this drug back in Korea for my enlarged prostate. Hard to find here though. Anyway, it was the first time in 40-plus years that I’d acquired drugs from a street dealer. Of course, who knows what you are really getting when you make a purchase in this manner. I tried one last night and Pamela had no complaints.

My regular waitress, Roan, wasn’t working yesterday. She was taking the day off after getting the jab. Good luck with that! Another waitress I had met previously when she worked at Dive In, filled in for Roan at keeping me company. We were talking about her old bar and she happened to mention one of the regular customers there, some guy named “Dick”. Small world, eh? I asked her if she liked Dick (excuse the double entendre) and she shook her head no. Why not? I asked. She said he was too “hands-on” and told about the time he’d grabbed one of the girls by her pussy. That was certainly consistent with what I’d been told by others. You know, as friendly and flirty as I might get with the bargirls, I NEVER touch them in an inappropriate manner. Hey, I’m an HR professional (retired) after all.

After a couple of more beers at IDM, I decided to make my way over to Pamela’s place and wait for her there. When I arrived, Dick was inside with a couple of his buddies and Pamela’s mom. I sat outside. I didn’t want to be drunk when Pearl finally arrived, so I ordered a coffee. Pearl finally messaged me at 6:30 that she was on her way. She told me to just go to The Pub and order take out and we’d eat at her place. I didn’t like that idea much, so I just kept my seat and waited to discuss the matter further in person.

About this time, two young women who appeared to be bargirls came in to order some food to go. I don’t know if Dick knew them or not, but he stood up and grabbed the cute one by the arms and attempted to drag her over to his table. She strongly resisted that effort, yanked herself free, and took a seat as far away from Dick as possible. Good for her! Then Dick moves his chair over to her table so he can sit beside her. Now, I’m outside looking in, but she did not look too pleased about it. I didn’t see any interaction between them at all before she left with her friend. Watching Dick do the shit I’d been hearing about was pretty disturbing. He certainly revealed his true nature and character.

I also had an epiphany. Dick is no threat to me or my relationship with Pamela. Pamela is actually quite conservative and I don’t believe she would ever consider dating a loser like Dick. I think she tolerates him because he brings a lot of business to her place but that’s the extent of it. Now, I very well may fuck things up with her, but it won’t be because of him.

Pamela finally arrived and I told her what happened. She didn’t seem surprised. She did ask why I hadn’t gone for the food, and I said it would be nicer if we ate together in the restaurant. She insisted that we do that another time, so I gave up and went to The Pub alone. Pamela wanted barbeque or grilled meat. John Kim had posted on Facebook that he was serving grilled pork ribs. That sounded perfect! Alas, when I arrived John told me they had already sold out. He was very surprised by how popular that item proved to be. Oh well.

As I perused the menu for alternatives, I decided to get creative. I ordered some salmon maki from the sushi bar, a ribeye steak (with steamed veggies and roasted taters), bulgogi and rice, and some Korean-style chicken wings. Carried them back to Pamela and she was very happy with my selections (except the wings, but they were for me anyway). We sat about dining together at the outside table in full view of Dick who was still seated inside. Before we were done eating, Dick departed for a new venue with Pamela’s mother in tow.

Mission accomplished. There can be no doubt in Dick’s twisted mind now that Pamela is indeed my girl. We also headed to my house before Dick returned which clearly underscored the traditional nature of our date–dinner and boom-boom. Yeah, baby! If there is any remaining concern in my mind it is the obvious (to me) attempt to win the mother over and have her try and influence Pamela on his behalf. Pamela’s mom did call her after we were back at my place and told her Dick was crying again. Poor baby! Pamela also reassured me that her mother never attempts to influence her decisions and choices. Okay then, it’s all good.

I’d call that a pretty fine night, wouldn’t you?

A mostly urban adventure for the Wednesday Walkers yesterday. Our trek took us through the backstreets of Matain, and then along the beachside clutter of Calapacuan. We don’t often venture out this way and I rather enjoyed it. We did do one hill climb (well, the die-hards in the group did two) and it was a nice 6K hike ending at the food place.

More photos from the hike at the end of this post.

Speaking of Pamela, here’s an update of sorts for those of you who have been following along on our quest to share a true and lasting love. I mentioned yesterday that I was hoping she’d join me at darts (we won 8-5 despite my playing like shit) and have dinner afterward. When the match was complete I messaged her and asked if she was coming. She responded that she couldn’t get away from her business. I crossed the street and sulked over a beer at Johan’s, then said “fuck it” and caught a trike to see her in Barretto.

When I arrived, Pamela was sitting alone at a table inside. That was a relief! I joined her and she told me that the Dick had been there and left to go see a bar manager friend down the street. We talked a bit and then the Dick returned and sat at the counter outside. A little later, Pamela handed me a note that said “I go first, meet at Papagayo”, a restaurant a good bit up the highway. That sounded fine to me, but I wasn’t sure what the stealth was all about. Well, yeah, I had my suspicions. Anyway, I paid for my beer, took a leak, and headed up the road. About a block away I ran into Pamela just as she was about to get in a trike, so I hopped in with her.

I’ve only eaten at Papagayo once or twice since moving here. Pamela says they have the best Mexican food in town. She particularly enjoys the burritos. It’s a beachside resort, very nicely appointed, and we had a sweet outdoor table in the nearly empty restaurant.

I was just happy to be able to spend some time together and appreciated her getting away from work. It wasn’t all pleasant though. Pamela doesn’t always appreciate my sense of humor. That afternoon at her place I had teasingly equated what she does at her work as being a GRO (guest relations officer). Well, that’s a term some of the bars use for their female staff and she found it offensive. I assured her that no offense was intended and she let it go, but I’m going to need to remember to watch what I say to her.

Neither of us wound up getting the burrito, she ordered clams and I got a beef enchilada.

After dinner, I had the trike drop her back off at work and I went home. Pamela came over around midnight. Told me Dick was back to his old self. In what way, I asked. She said, he asked me to go home with him, told me he wanted me to have his baby, said he would marry me, and that when he died he would leave everything to me. For some reason, that pissed me off. I angrily told her that if she didn’t deal with the inappropriate remarks he was making to MY girlfriend, I would deal with it my own way, even if it resulted in violence. She seemed taken aback by my response. She reassured me again that she only saw him as a friend, had no interest in anything more, and that she would never be unfaithful to me. I calmed down, but damn, I’m not sure how long I can deal with that kind of drama.

I made her my version of a burrito for breakfast. She rightly noted that it was more like a soft taco. It’s a tortilla with seasoned ground beef, tomato, lettuce, green onion, cheese, and salsa. Pearl added sour cream to hers (damn, why didn’t I think of that?) and deemed it delicious.

After breakfast, I walked her to her food place and I did my morning hike. She had asked me to stop back after I finished and so I did. When I arrived, she was sitting next to the Dick at the outside counter. At first, I was pissed again and started to just walk on. Then I decided I wasn’t going to make it that easy, so I went in and sat down. Pamela had me move my stool next to her and gave me a cup of coffee and her full attention. Alright, take that Dick! To be fair, Dick did greet me and did engage me in a little generic conversation. Pamela promised to meet up with me later in the day today. I finished my coffee and left them there.

You know, if I really thought Dick would be better for her than I am, I wouldn’t hesitate to let her go. I’m not sure that Pamela’s professions of having no interest in him are true, but, I think she is sincere in believing that’s the case. If you know what I mean. I’m still having my own thoughts about my old life and wondering if this love thing is worth all these emotions it seems to generate.

I’ll give it some more time and see what happens next.

To the photos from the hike then:

And that was the way it went down.

Stay tuned for the further adventures that are sure to come!

I did my Hare duties this morning, marking tomorrow’s Hash trail with my fellow hares, Pubic Head, and Blow My Pipe. The hike comes in at just under 7K with two decent climbs. I’m pretty pleased with the effort, might even be the best trail ever! Or at least the best this week.

Yesterday afternoon I enjoyed some quality time with xxxx. Had my driver drop us off in SBMA (the old Navy base) and we did a little walkabout on the waterfront.

Anyway, it was a pleasant way to spend some time together. I was tempted by Texas Joe’s, one of my favorites, and it turns out likes it too. The parking lot was overflowing though, and by the time we eliminated other options, we were back where we started at The Lighthouse. So we decided to give it a try.

After dinner, we went to the bar next where I had a couple of more beers. xxxx doesn’t really drink beer, but she will sip at a low-alcohol flavored brew called San Miguel Apple. By sip, I mean that after I had consumed two full beers, xxxx still had a half bottle of Apple to go. That’s okay, I’ll try to drink enough for the both of us if need be.

Took a taxi back to Barretto and sat on the roof of Barcelona enjoying the evening views while replaying our beer drinking ways. We talked some more about future adventures and I’ll endeavor to do better advance planning to make them come true. xxxx wants to visit La Union (about three hours north) one day soon. It was a good day overall.

xxxx needed to go back to her food place for a bit before calling it a night. The plan was for me to order some takeout and we’d eat it at my place watching some TV together. Well, the place was crowded and my order was at the back of the queue, so it took a while. xxxx was busy consulting with her mother while I waited for my food. And then some Dick came in and our plans were foiled.

I guess he’s figured out that his fantasy girl is my reality and he’s not a happy camper. xxxx told me she was staying behind to deal with him and she’d join me later. I was pissed but chose retreat over future regret. We’ll see how that works out for me.

xxxx did arrive an hour or so later and we slept in each other’s arms. That was my happy ending to the day.

I’ve decided I’m not giving up on Pam. She’s worth fighting for.

Yeah, it’s been a crazy ride so far and yesterday was yet another example of that fact. I thought we were going to dinner, so I went by her place around 4:00 p.m. to make sure she was going to be free to leave. Once again, Pam was sitting at the table with [that guy]* and several others. I also observed that she was finishing what appeared to be a club sandwich. So much for dinner, I thought to myself. Well, I had already resolved to not be intimidated by a Brit trying to steal away “my” girl, so I pulled up a stool at the counter with my back to the gathering at the table and ordered a beer. Not a word of greeting or acknowledgment of my presence from Pam. After a few minutes, Pam and [that guy] went inside and sat down together at a table. Alright, I had seen enough. I went inside, paid for my beer, and as I was leaving [that guy] engaged me in some conversation about an incident in Angeles where a friend of his had been beaten by the police. I politely listened and responded, said goodnight, and headed out the door. I was pretty numb at this point.

Pam followed me out and showed me a message on her phone concerning some legal issues she is facing over control of her business. She said [that guy] had some connections and she didn’t want to discuss the issues she’s dealing with outside in front of the others. Whatever. Pam wasn’t free to join me for dinner and so I left not knowing what to think, but I knew I was very unhappy about what I was feeling.

Went to Mango’s and took up my beachside stool drank some beer and ordered up some food.

After a couple of beers, I decided a walk on the beach was in order.

So, I decided a visit to It Doesn’t Matter was in order. Me plying Roan and another waitress with lady drinks was a nice enough distraction. After a while, I decided a change of scenery was in order, so I paid a visit to Cheap Charlies. I was surprised to see the place so busy. But Alma, my favorite there, found me a nice seat upfront with the highway view I prefer. More drinking and buying lady drinks ensued.

I had periodically been messaging Pam but she was mostly unresponsive. She did acknowledge that [that guy] was still at the bar. Well, in that case, I wasn’t going back so I caught a trike home instead. I was sound asleep at 11:30 when my phone rang. It was Pam telling me she was coming over. Okay then.

After she arrived, I went back to bed. She joined me. And we had a nice long talk before we fell asleep. And another long talk this morning. She convinced me that [that guy] is no threat to me, and while acknowledging he makes nearly constant advances, she has no intention of succumbing to his desires. He is a customer first and foremost, and one that perhaps will have some value in resolving her current situation with the landlord of her business. I told her that I trust her and have no interest in creating additional difficulties or stress in her life.

We also talked about ways we could have more success at spending time together. We do well when we are sharing adventures or doing things we both enjoy. So, we’ll see if we can work out a way to make that happen more often.

So, just when I was about to give up, Pam pulled me back in. She really is amazing in many ways and very much unlike the other women I have met here. I’m not going to quit unless and until I find that she is unworthy of my love and trust. We still need to improve our communication skills with each other, but based on our recent conversations I think we can make that happen.

*I am no longer comfortable using [that guy’s] name in these posts. It is a small town I’m living in, he’s lived here a lot longer, and he is well known throughout the community. He also apparently has friends in high places and I don’t need that kind of trouble in my life either.

Look at us baby, up all night
Tearing our love apart
Aren't we the same two people
Who lived through years in the dark?

Every time I try to walk away
Something makes me turn around and stay
And I can't tell you why

When we get crazy
It just ain't right
(try to keep your head, little girl)
Girl, I get lonely, too
You don't have to worry
Just hold on tight
(don't get caught in your little world)
'Cause I love you

Nothing's wrong as far as I can see
We make it harder than it has to be
And I can't tell you why
No, baby, I can't tell you why
I can't tell you why

Every time I try to walk away
Something makes me turn around and stay
And I can't tell you why

Or perhaps a reprise. We shall see.

Continuing on with the soap opera (or is it K-drama?) that is my love life, I *think* Pearl and I have reconciled. I had continued some sporadic message exchanges with Pearl throughout the afternoon and early evening. I was riding an emotional roller coaster, moving from “I’m better off without her” to “she’s worth fighting for” depending on the tone of her responses. In between my texting sessions, I attended a birthday gathering for the owner of Alley Cats, contributing a batch of my famous brownies to the potluck table.

After the party, I moved on to It Doesn’t Matter, where I once again enjoyed the banter and repartee with Roan. At that point, I was thinking that my old bar life was going to be my new future and I was reconciling myself to the fact that while empty, the lifestyle was relatively painless. Meanwhile, the messages with Pearl had devolved to the “I guess this is goodbye, then” stage. I sent her this as my parting words:

Given the tone of our preceding conversation, I was surprised when I received this response from her:

I miss you and I want you here with me

Now you tell me! I said goodnight to Roan and walked up the highway to visit Pearl at her place. We had the conversation we should have had from the beginning. I talked about her jealousy issues and noted the hypocrisy of her own actions, pointing out that had I taken a girl to see a live band in a bar, she would have been outraged. Perhaps even justifiably so. Certainly, my getting an innocuous message I didn’t even answer pales in comparison. She didn’t deny that but pointed out I had hurt her when I walked away from her earlier, and that she only stayed at the bar with [that guy] for a few minutes. Whatever. I told her I’m not jealous of [that guy] and if he is better for you than I am, she should go for it. Don’t settle for less than the best.

We talked about the triggering event that led us to this point–from her perspective me walking away, and from mine her not responding to multiple messages I’d sent. It really all came down to a misunderstanding and miscommunication. She explained that she had been very busy all that afternoon and for the most part didn’t even have access to her phone. I acknowledged that I was in a grumpy mood when I walked away to go to dinner. I wanted her to join me but didn’t explicitly ask her to do so leading her to misinterpret what my leaving meant. Yeah, ain’t love grand?

Anyway, we resolved to work harder on the issues this incident brought out–I’ll talk rather than walk and she will try and understand that women I know from the bars are no threat to her or our relationship. We’ll see how that works out.

I received some amazing comments on my previous post regarding this incident, and I wanted to share some of those insights and respond to some of the suggestions.

BW says: She should know u better first so she can trust u…keep trying to let her know that u never serious with anybody else

Yeah, we had a long talk last night about my interactions with bargirls. I explained that the girls work for drink commissions and I buy drinks sometimes to help them out. That doesn’t mean I want a relationship with them. I asked if she wanted to read all my messages or for me to delete all my female contacts, she said of course not and acknowledged that she has guy friends too. Hopefully, once she knows I have no intention of straying she’ll come to feel more trusting.

From Kevin Kim:

It’s unfair to expect Pearl to be the one Filipina who breaks the mold and doesn’t act Filipina. On the other hand, based on your account of the day in question, she does strike me as being oversensitive.

Yeah, my hatred of jealousy may be a little irrational too. Pearl is atypical in many ways, but yes, her thinking in terms of jealousy is true to form for Filipinas. We did have a rational discussion about trust issues so hopefully, that’s progress.

Ask your happily married friends whether their Pinay wives started off as insanely jealous people back when they were merely dating, and ask further what they, the guys, did to face down that jealousy. 

Well, I haven’t asked yet, but the guys I know in LTRs with Filipinas still have to deal with the jealousy issues. In fact, it may even worsen over time. Now, I can’t say that some of these folks haven’t done things that may warrant jealousy from their significant others…

If I thought there was hope in talking this out and figuring out how to deal with the problem together, I’d humbly advise talking, but Filipinas, especially the young ones, seem to think it’s better just to amputate and move on. Dramatic minds, dramatic solutions.

We’ll see. We did have a good face-to-face conversation on these issues last night and again this morning on messenger. Whether it will result in behavioral change remains to be seen. But I was quite taken aback when she “set me free” over what I considered a minor incident.

This goes back to the idea of looking for an older woman in a young body: ain’t gonna happen. An older woman with experience would probably be willing to act maturely—to hear you out and accept your declarations of loyalty. Young girls, not so much. But young girls are what you seem to want, so in a sense, you’ve trapped yourself in your own hell (a line I’ve said before).

But age is just a number! Actually, meeting Pearl was a matter of circumstance, not design. I actually prefer women in their mid-30s or so. But Pearl is 28 and mature for her years in ways that most Filipinas are not. For one, she lived in Japan for a number of years and I think that experience broadened her horizons. She is also demonstrating maturity in the manner she manages her business which appears to be very successful thus far. Yeah, young women are attractive, but I’m attracted to intellect as well. Getting both in one package would be a big win!

That info about her and [that guy] radically changes my evaluation of your relationship with Pearl. If she feels she can go off the reservation that easily, then she was never deeply committed to begin with. She’s just another young doe relying on her beauty to seek male attention, and to gain validation thereby. Female vanity. And again, the mark of someone young and superficial.

We talked about the [that guy] affair as well. It’s obvious that he is in full courtship mode but until that night she seemed resistant to his advances. According to her, it was a one-off, ten-minute excursion to the bar across the street from her place. I’m going to accept her claim that she has no interest in [that guy] until I have more evidence to the contrary. And as I said above, I told her if she wants to go that route she can go with my blessing. Isn’t that what love is all about–wanting your partner to find happiness?

More fundamentally, what is it that you want? To me, it seems you haven’t resolved that question, and it pops up again and again. If all you want is sex, then apparently, there’s plenty to be found, and you have no trouble finding it. If what you’re looking for is paid companionship, “care” instead of real care, then there’s plenty of that, too. But if what you really want is to find a life-companion who will be there for you when the going gets tough… I don’t know, but I think you may be in the wrong country. You need someone who deeply understands the American character—someone who knows, for example, that if you’re a little flirty with the other bar girls, this doesn’t mean your fundamental commitment to your woman has been compromised. But you’ve closed off the possibility of finding yourself a decent American woman, so again, we’re back to the idea of the self-made hell. Have you ever asked yourself why you’ve boxed yourself in this way?

HaHa! I was married to three different American women and got the same result–divorce. And yeah, I acknowledge that I was the common denominator in each of those relationships. So yes, that is the fundamental question–what is it that I want? I have this fantasy of loving someone and being loved and cared for in return. The reality of that kind of relationship is that it requires a lot of work to maintain and sustain over time. When I was forced to consider my post-Pearl options yesterday, retreating to my previous lifestyle seemed the most appealing. Yeah, it is shallow and hollow, but also pain-free. There is something to be said for that. But in the end, I decided Pearl was worth another go. I’m going to try harder to be a little less selfish and more understanding. If it still doesn’t work, at least I know I gave it my best shot.

From Brian:

I am going to look at it from her side. What is her “role models” in a foreigner/PI girl relationship? In many cases, it is probably a foreigner who comes to town, woos and dines a young lady, professes their love, and most/many times leaves them high and dry. Either by going back to their home country, vowing to return (but never doing so), or getting them pregnant (yeah, I know, it takes two to tango, but…) and then never having anything to do with them or their child again.

Well, the story of Pearl as I understand it was that she married a Japanese guy when she was 18 and moved to Japan. He was her first boyfriend. That didn’t work out for her and since that time she has had two foreigner boyfriends, both long-distance relationships. She moved back to the Philippines a couple of years ago. So, she doesn’t really have any experience with a full-time expat like me, although I’m not sure what difference that might make. As you note, it does seem like she has some preconceived notions of what guys like me are supposedly all about.

I am not sure it is a jealously thing but more of an insecurity issue. Though I suppose it can be said that they are one and the same.

Yeah, to me, jealousy is just a manifestation of emotional insecurity. The other side of the jealousy coin is fearing losing your meal ticket. in Pearl’s case, she is at least more financially secure and self-sufficient than most of the Filipinas I’ve met. Pearl has her own business (with a second location opening soon) and mama drives a new car and lives in a Subic subdivision. So, I think her motivations are pure at least.

In any relationship, it takes work, and this one can work itself out. But you HAVE TO stop looking at it from strictly a Western perspective. Easy to say and hard to do. John, I know you have a lot of multicultural experience. I do also, but I also find myself falling into the abyss of expecting relationship to play out as i think it should in the west. Cant do that.

Yeah, that’s a fair point and one I’ll have to be more cognizant of moving forward.

Also wanted to add that since you are have been in Barretto a few years and are fairly well known in town, I am guessing that Pearl made some enquiries about you.

Yeah, it is definitely a small town with small-town gossip. Pearl already mentioned that the husband of one of her girlfriends talked about seeing me hanging out in Finger Monkey. I don’t misbehave (much) in the bars, but I can imagine a scenario where two girls are giving me a back rub and how that may play out if someone told Pearl they saw girls touching me in the bar.

From Dave: [that guy] does sound like a Juan but do not not get discouraged – or even more cunt-struck – in response. Show Pearl (and her mother who I suspect is the one really pulling Pearl’s strings) just who is the boss and get a take away from Wet Spot. Still ₱5000 only L/T (with only half going to Daddy)

HaHa–well the crew at Wet Spot is amongst the best in town. Still, I’ll save that idea for the when/if this relationship effort fails. Funny side note, I’ve been wondering who mom would pick between me and [that guy]. She’s hard to read…

Alright, this post has gone on way too long and I hope it doesn’t come back and bite me in the ass. (No, I still haven’t told Pearl about the blog–yet.) Thanks again for your support and helpful comments. Let’s find out what happens next in this story.

Hash Monday today, so hopefully a respite from the drama.

I made it over to Pearl’s place at around 1:30 for our planned excursion out to Baloy Beach. When I arrived there were a couple of folks I knew sitting in the outside area so I joined in with the chit chat. Next thing I know, a plate of wings arrived courtesy of the owner who apparently wants to keep me fat well-fed.

Everyone I’ve talked to is impressed by the quality of the offerings and surprised at how inexpensive the food is. I’ve asked Pearl if they can make a profit at those prices and she assures me she has done the math. Sounds like a win-win.

Of course, I couldn’t eat those wings without a beer to wash them down. And then one thing led to another. And another. A couple of Hash buddies came by so it seemed rude to just up and leave. So, it was around 4:30 before Pearl and I finally headed to the beach. I asked if she wanted to walk but she preferred taking a trike. I didn’t argue the point. We did take a brief stroll down the beach before arriving at Laharnz’ place for more liquid refreshment.

I was pleasantly surprised to see a guy I know there I hadn’t seen for a while. John and I had a very pleasant chat. We talked some about Derek, a mutual Hash friend, who passed away earlier this year. Derek’s girlfriend returned to her province for a visit and asked John to keep Derek’s ashes while she was gone. John agreed to do so temporarily, but he has some doubts about whether the girlfriend will ever return. If she doesn’t, he said he’d likely just dump the ashes in the bay. I suggested an alternative–have a special Hash in Derek’s honor, then spread the ashes on the Hash trail. That’s how I’d like to be disposed of. John liked the idea and we both acknowledged that Derek isn’t going to care one way or the other. After death ceremonies and rituals are all about the people left behind.

Anyway, it was a nice evening on the beach but it was time to start thinking about dinner. I suggested we head up the beach to Da’ Kudos and have those grilled pork chops I love so much. Pearl enjoyed them too.

After dinner, we went back to her food place, but I was just about out of gas. So, I headed home and Pearl joined me there later. She’s a pretty amazing woman in many ways. Last night I was experiencing some chest congestion and she went into full nurse mode. It was really nice to have someone lovingly taking care of me. I’ve missed that.

This morning we got up and walked the dog, I made us some breakfast, and then she joined me on the Friday group hike. I could get used to this.

Time to get ready and head out for some Friday night darts. I’ll be back with a full report tomorrow.

Just a quick post on my busy Wednesday. Finished the morning hike and now I’m getting ready for dart league this afternoon.

Yesterday, I took Pearl out to lunch. One of the things we have in common is our love of Seoul. The Korean restaurant on the old Navy base, I mean.

It was a nice lunch date and our first time actually dining out together. I expect it won’t be the last. Pearl is a busy young woman though, so the taxi dropped her at her restaurant and I continued on home to nap, shower, and get ready for darts.

My darts were all over the place. Literally. I had moments of brilliance, including a ton-80 and a 5-bull shot, followed by an inability to hit anything I was aiming at. It was not a good night darts-wise. Still, somehow I managed to claw my way back into the money round. And then I quit. I was scheduled to play Billy to determine who would face Nancy in the finals. The loser of our match would finish third. I didn’t care. To continue would mean playing a couple more intense matches and I just didn’t feel like it. I told Billy “I concede”. I guess in some ways that might be considered unsportsmanlike, but I play for fun, not money. I got a chuckle when Billy and Nancy did my thing by declaring a tie and splitting first and second place money.

After darts, I dropped into Pearl’s place to spend a little more time with her.

As days go, it was a good one.