I’m struggling with a potentially life-changing decision right now. Which sounds a bit overly dramatic, but when it comes to love, isn’t it all drama? I’m not ready to tell the story just yet because there is still too much that I don’t understand. I really need to sit down with this woman and have a long talk to share my feelings and attempt to discern just how serious she truly is. Her profession of love last Friday was completely unexpected and I’ve been out of sorts ever since. She works, so her availability is obviously more limited than mine, but she is also non-responsive to my requests for a get-together. Well, she did tell me this morning that she was off today. I asked her what her plans were and she told me she was going to play darts at Alley Cats. I asked her to join me for lunch and she said “where?” I suggested my three favorites (Mango’s, Sit-n-Bull, and The Pub) and then didn’t hear back from her until 1:30 when she responded with “Mango’s”. What time? “After darts.” Hmm, that’s a really late lunch. I guess dinner might work, but I don’t like being jerked around either.
And that’s the rub, I suppose. Yeah, I’ve dreamed about being in a loving relationship, and this gal trips my triggers emotionally. I’ve also feared the vulnerability that comes with giving your heart away. I’ve had more than my share of soul-crushing failures when it comes to love. Do I really want to go there again? My life, such as it is, works for me. I certainly have no problem getting my physical needs satisfied. My emotions are stuck in a neutral zone where I never seem to get too high or too low. I wouldn’t call that ideal, but it is certainly safe. I can imagine a blissful life full of love and romance, caring and sharing, and the contentment that comes with being in a committed relationship with another human being. Then again, I’ll be 66 years old in a couple of weeks and I’ve never managed to sustain those feelings I dream about. Maybe I’m better off being alone. We’ll see, but I think the woman who says she loves me (and I’ve told her I love her) needs to step it up and convince me that walking with her is that path I need to take.
Enough of that for now. Yesterday’s Hash went well enough, I suppose. Most of the Hashers expressed liking the trail, although quite a few of them didn’t complete all of it. Not that I would criticize a shortcutter, seeing as how I are one. A couple of others lost the trail, which means I could have done a better job marking it in those places. Ah, well. No disasters, no one lost, and no rain to speak of. I’ll call it a win.
I forgot that the hungry people in this world look forward to seeing pictures of the food I eat. I’ve got to learn to be less selfish in that regard.
I saw this after posting about my grocery shopping experience earlier today:
Alright, that’s about it for this post. Time for me to get back to wrestling those demons in my head. I’ll let you know who wins.
Tuesday, afternoon
I’m just beginning to see
Now I’m on my way
It doesn’t matter to me
Chasing the clouds awaySomething, calls to me
The trees are drawing me near
I’ve got to find out why
Those gentle voices I hear
Explain it all with a sighI’m looking at myself, reflections of my mind
It’s just the kind of day to leave myself behind
So gently swaying thru the fairy-land of love
If you’ll just come with me and see the beauty ofTuesday afternoon
Filipinas seem to profess love at the drop of a hat, and I get the feeling it’s usually more an attempt at manipulation than actual love. Actual love isn’t transactional; it’s about commitment, compromise, and even sacrifice. Sure, you could say there’s a quid-pro-quo dimension that seems transactional, but if that’s all love is, then love is just business. Prostitution.
I’ve said it before: you need to find a higher quality of woman who has the basics all in place, and that includes being responsible and mature enough to communicate in a timely manner. If you’re feeling jerked around, then I’d submit that whatever this is isn’t love. Overall, I think you’re right to be cautious in general; that video you posted a while back, featuring the Pinay talking about May-September relationships, strikes me as one of the most cynical videos I’ve seen on the subject of “love.”
M. Scott Peck said real love is an action, not a feeling. Feelings come and go. Actions are what demonstrate the virtues cited above, like commitment and sacrifice. And true love can only be seen over time. Love is also mutual, not just, “I want someone who will take care of me,” which is selfish. Loving people take care of each other, and as Peck says, they’re oriented toward cultivating each other’s spiritual growth. That’s the constructive aspect of love. There’s some quid-pro-quo there, but it’s more than that. (Peck hadn’t yet converted to Christianity when he wrote that thought, so he didn’t mean “spiritual” in a spooky, ethereal way.)
I admit I’m frankly skeptical as to whether this is love. I’m already seeing warning signs, “jerked around” being one of them. Whatever you do—and I can’t tell you what to do—be careful. You’ve been warned.
Thanks, Kevin. I want to read more of what M. Scott Peck has written. His definition of true love is is what I aspire to but am likely unworthy of.
Yes, there are definitely red flags which is why I haven’t stupidly dived in headfirst with this one. Yet. There is more of the story to tell and I’ll try to tell it on the blog soon.
I will say though that Jessel is a good woman with a good heart. I think she is scared of these feelings too. Perhaps that explains her hesitancy and unresponsiveness. She’s a typical Filipina in some ways–a poor girl from the province working hard to support her child back home–but she does not strike me as mercenary or transactional. Yesterday was her son’s birthday and I asked if there was anything she needed. She told me she was alright.
Anyway, I appreciate your words of wisdom and advice. I’ll keep them in mind as I work my way through these emotions. I think at this point I’m going to have to be talked into taking the next step rather than talked out of it. Jessel doesn’t seem willing to put forth any effort in that regard. Perhaps she is smarter than me.
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