Category Archives: The story of my life

The dating game

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Well, obviously that’s a game I’m NOT playing. Yet. But since my arrival I’ve been an active observer. Here are my initial impressions.

One thing that really stands out from the outset is that almost all the expats are coupled up. Now, I’m sure a certain percentage of these women are one night rentals, but at least where I hang out (mostly the regular type bars and the weekly Hash) I see normal boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. Well, normal if you discount the age disparity in the couples.

It’s still astounding to see these fat old fuckers with sweet young Filipinas. Makes me wonder what’s wrong with me? Yeah, I know. I’m plenty old and not the most gwapo (handsome) man around. But until moving here I never understood why a guy would want a partner thirty or forty years his junior. Other than what I presume is hot sex, but that’s for sale all over town anyway. Here’s the thing, it’s actually the women who are pursuing these relationships with older guys. It’s a common saying from Filipinas that “age is just a number”. And to them they see older guys as more emotionally stable, financially secure, and less likely to cheat on them. So there’s that.

I have one friend who is 66 with a 21 year old girlfriend who is pretty enough to be a model. As he tells it, she was a poor girl from the province and her life with him is like being on a permanent vacation…buys her whatever she needs, eat out everyday, living in a long term hotel apartment. It’s heaven for her. From what I’ve seen of them together she appears genuinely happy and devoted to him.

I have another friend of similar age who has a 23 year old “mistress” (that’s the term they both use, seeing as how he is married). He’s basically a “sugar daddy”, pays her college tuition, pays the rent, gives her an allowance, etc. and in return she takes care of his physical needs and provides companionship. Seems like a win-win to me.

Other guys I’ve met are doing the traditional family thing–having babies and all–notwithstanding the huge age difference. I can’t be a father again thankfully, nor would I want to be at this late stage of my life, but again, from all outward appearances these couples are perfectly happy in their chosen situation.

So. What about me? Obviously, I’m hoping to get in the game. I really crave a relationship. But what kind? I guess being boots on the ground now, I’m more accepting of the age difference thing. It’s the norm here so my previous standard of “would I look ridiculous with her” is out the window. Still don’t want to compromise on finding someone with a brain who can be a good and trusted companion. So far the women I’ve met here with those qualities haven’t been receptive to my tentative overtures (heh, that having a brain thing is a two edged sword!). The other night the waitresses at Treasure Island were teasing me, suggesting that Ruru (one of the younger workers there) introduce me to her mother. She laughed and said she’d have to call me “sir Daddy instead of sir John”. It was kind of cute, I admit.

I’m not exactly desperate (yet). I’ve not partaken in any of the take-out bargirl options for example. Oh, I buy a few ladydrinks and hand out some candy, but paying for sex just goes against the grain for me. I was only tempted once but nature intervened (the gal said she had her “mens”). Not sure if that was true or just a polite rejection, but I was glad for it the next morning.

In the meantime, I’ve been half-heartedly visiting the Filipina Cupid dating website. It’s been mildly interesting. Had a nice chat with a 35 year old named Marymay. She lives in Subic, the next town over. She likes the outdoors and exercise so we had that much in common at least. I asked her if she’d like to get together for lunch or dinner and she responded “We can spend time together John. Ill think about it..😉” That’s the last I heard from her.

Then there was Anne, 30 years old from Manila, who sent me this: “Hi John I have taken the time and read your profile. I have a question for. Have you given up or do you want me to chase you around the block for you to stop at take another look at me. Keep in mind I don’t run as fast as I use too. I promise i will make a strong effort in catching you. So what would you like for me to do. Begin the chase or walk away….I look forward to your answer.”

Finally, a gal who wants to chase me! I responded:“Well, I don’t know if your message is original or not, but I do admit I like it! 🙂 So, to answer your question–by all means, begin the chase! I’m probably not all that hard to catch if you are honest and sincere. Anyway, you’ve captured my interest. Let’s see what happens next.” We exchanged a few more messages back and forth that night, but I haven’t heard from her since either. I guess she’s not that good at chasing after all.

My most interesting exchange was with Mary who lives in a far off province, but had a profile that seemed to suggest she was smarter than the average bear. So I initiated contact with this: “How goes the search? After reading your profile I thought “she’s someone I’d like to get to know better”. Anyway, I’m living in Olongapo now.” I was astounded by her response:

“I remember your photo,,,your separated I prefer divorce men your caucasian Can’t you get divorce,unless you marry a filipina here in my country,,,,,been to Olongapo before why you choose to live in a sordid area??? So many girly bars there,,,I want an honest answer I assumed you’ve F— bargirls there which moat foriegner does,,,you can’t avoid it especially to a lonely man and your no saint,,,I’m sorry for being upfront and don’t get me wrong I am asking this questions cos I know exactly those places and foriegners that lives there and thier lifestyle…. “

Wow. Judge much, Mary? Here’s how I responded:

“Thank you for your bluntness and honesty. It is refreshing to see here on Filipino Cupid. Not all of Olongapo is sordid. You choose to see what you want to see. The subdivision I’ll be living in is very upscale with amazing views of the bay and mountains. Yes, there are girly bars in town for those who are interested in prostitutes. There are also regular bars where expats hang out and socialize. I play in two dart leagues and with tournaments, that fills 5 nights a week for me. I’m also a member of a running/hiking club (the Hash House Harriers) and we have a weekly event that I enjoy very much.

But to answer your question directly, I’ve been here almost one month now. Yes, I am a very lonely. No, I have not fucked any bargirls. It is just not my thing. It is true that I am not a saint, but I try not to judge others for the choices they make. I think you are wrong to assume that all foreigners living here are the same or that they share the same lifestyle. I live life on my terms and I have nothing to be ashamed about.

Again, I appreciate you sharing your viewpoints so openly. I wish you well in your search and hope you find the kind of man you will be happy sharing your life w with. Good luck to you!”

And so it goes. At this point I’m not sure how I’ll proceed. The being a sugar daddy thing is a little tempting, but I suspect it would not end well. I’m actually leaning towards just hiring someone to take care of me and the house and leave it at that for now. And no, I won’t be screwing the help. Still licking the wounds my last employee inflicted. I actually may interview a gal I’ve been chatting with on Facebook for quite sometime. She’s a certified caregiver and really wants a job. She actually gets on my nerves quite a bit, so she ought to be perfect. No temptation to make her my girlfriend!

Stay tuned dear readers. The adventure is only beginning!

Down to the wire

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Yesterday’s Hash was a fun time. In fact, it had me in stitches. Let’s go the photos:

Out of the truck at the trail head and ready to rumble, well, ramble anyway…

Climbing these steps proved to be rather, um, tire-ing…

It’s On-On the trail…

How the other half lives. My blessings are counted for this beautiful life I’m living.

As pretty as this path may be, it was leading me to peril… (that’s what we call foreshadowing)

A view from the top…

And the view at the bottom…

“Tractor? I don’t need no stinking tractor!” Old school farming via carabao…

Anyway, along the path I got tangled up in some rusty old razor wire. Why it was there on the ground I have no clue, and just how it wound up wrapped around my calf I can’t say. I do know that it ripped me a good one, that’s for sure.

Assessing the damage when we arrived “On-Home” at Treasure Island…

Speaking of Treasure Island, it’s the resort I stayed in when I first arrived. It’s also very convenient to my current apartment. The staff is friendly (and cute) so it is no surprise I’m a regular there. That paid off because without even asking, one of the waitresses offered me some first aid. Mark, the security guy, came over and thoroughly cleaned the wound with soap and water, then disinfected with hydrogen peroxide.

Then he did a nice job wrapping it all up neat and tidy. I offered to buy him dinner for his efforts but he declined. Later on though I slipped him a 500 peso note (around ten bucks) which he seemed to appreciate.

Got up this morning and did my regular beach walk then popped into Treasure Island (of course) for some breakfast. Afterwards I made my way over to the local hospital.

Our Lady of Lourdes International Medical Center, right here in Barrio Barretto. I’ve asked several folks for the assessment of the care here and they have all said exactly the same thing “it’s where people go to die.” Well, I just wanted someone to take a look at my wound, so I ventured into the emergency room.

And a friendly female doctor and her cute nurse assistant had me all stitched up in no time. They also gave me a tetanus booster shot. Total cost–4,650 pesos. That’s about $95. if you are keeping score.

Also got some prescriptions meds (antibiotics and something else I’m not sure of what it does, anti-inflammatory maybe).

On the walk back I home I popped into the money exchange shop to pick up my Remitly money transfer ($2000.). “Sorry sir, no funds available now. Try back after lunch.”

Then it was over to Western Union to pick up another wire transfer, also for two grand. “Sorry sir, no dollars available. I can pay you in pesos”. Fine. It’s going to be a problem apparently wiring large sums of money over here. I’ve got enough together to pay the advance rent/deposit on my house, but I’m not sure how I’m going to pull together the $10,000 I need to deposit to secure my retirement visa. Ah well, I’ll figure it out.

Speaking of the house, the landlord stood me up yesterday. Was supposed to meet today before lunch. Now I hear he is “on the way” with an ETA of around 2:00. Which precludes my planned playing in a dart tourney this afternoon. And it still does not appear ANY of the promised repairs have been completed. What a pain in the ass this has been.

(taking a deep breath, relaxing, and accepting the Filipino way).

Ah yes, that’s better.

Take the time to close your
Eyes and look around
Cause anyone who helped you out
Can let you down
And look out, look out, look out
The voice is now the choir
Can you feel it getting
Down to the wire?

Undefeated

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Sad news to learn that one of my Columbia buddies lost his battle with prostate cancer yesterday. 52 years old. Scott “Gunny” Taubl was a Marine tanker and even in retirement continued his service to our nation. Especially in his dedication to veteran’s causes. I first met Gunny when I moved home to South Carolina in 2011. He was an enthusiastic supporter of my efforts to establish a dart organization in Columbia and continued working to build the darting community long after my departure. Just one of those rare and outstanding individuals you encounter on the road of life who has his shit together and makes the world a little bit better place by his presence.

A good man is hard to find. Thank you for your service, may you rest in peace.

One of the things that comes with growing older is seeing people you know start passing away. What’s been especially disconcerting for me is that the last three friends I’ve lost have all been younger than me. Nothing like a slap-in-the-face wake up call from mortality. A good reminder to live the best you can, while you can. And also to take care of the vessel containing our life force.

Another night of darts last night and my undefeated streak (4 now) remains intact. As does my streak of failure with the ladies.

That’s Anabel. She’s a real cutie. I’d like to give her a whirl. She’s made it clear through her actions (and lack of reactions to my overtures) that she’s not interested. A shame that.

Desperate times call for desperate measures:

Maybe this will work?

I was kinda sorta hoping Anabel would join me for some after darts dessert at Treasure Island, but she bailed before the tournament was over. So, I stumbled over alone when I was finished. I was surprised to see one of my waitress favorites all snuggled up with a man at the bar. A fat old fuck (and if I’m saying that, you know he was old and fat). Now, don’t get me wrong. I was not jealous at all. The fact is, I always considered Jessa to be out of my league. Too young and pretty for a slightly less fat and old guy than the one she was with. I was disappointed to see her settling for less than she deserves, but then again, what do I know about her and her situation? I guess it also underscored that I remain alone in a country where the young gals apparently go for fat old fucks.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Ton-80

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Today was a good day.

Played darts at Alley Cats. Threw my first 180 in the Philippines.

For those who don’t know, a ton-80 looks like this (three triple 20s) and is the highest possible score in the ’01 game

In recognition of this rare event for pub league players, the bar gave me a coupon for a free drink. Just what I needed, more beer. Right?

More importantly, me and my partner managed to go through the winner’s bracket undefeated and take 1st place money for our efforts.

Ain’t she sweet? I mean, isn’t she a good looking dart player….er, we played well with each other. Ah, fuck…never mind!

Now, I ain’t saying that throwing a ton-80 and winning a tourney is enough to make you a celebrity in this town, but…

Just sayin’….

Anyway, it was a great afternoon of competitive darts with a good group who placed a premium on keeping it fun. It was!

Here’s a funny story that illustrates just what a small town Barrio Barretto truly is.

That’s my friend John and his girlfriend Mango. We got together for awhile on Friday evening at the SOB dance contest.

During the course of the conversation, Mango mentioned she had a friend I should meet. Apparently, this gal is somewhere around 26 years old and works at a local gift shop. I knew the gift shop because I had stopped in there back in January to by some sunglasses for Gem. Anyway, to counter my protestations that she was a bit young for me (which in retrospect was probably rude, Mango is 21, John is 66), Mango noted that this gal usually dates men younger than her and is continually disappointed. In part because they don’t have a pot to piss in. Mango said her friend had mentioned wanting to find an older guy who could support her financially like John does her (basically a small allowance). Mango also told me that her friend was half Filipina, half American, but that she looks American.

Well, I was non-committal. I mean, I’m thinking the best way to meet a “good” someone would be through an introduction by mutual friends. But, I didn’t really retire to the Philippines to hook up with an American looking woman less than half my age. Anyway, the conversation moved on and that was that. Or so I thought.

As I mentioned above, I played darts today from 2 p.m. until nearly 6. And it should come as no surprise that I consumed a fair amount of beer during the course of the afternoon. With darts finished, I noted that my fitbit indicated I was still well shy of my 20,000 step goal. So I took a long and roundabout route back home. And wouldn’t you know, I came upon the gift shop where this young woman works. Did I mention I was a little drunk? Anyway, I figured what the hell? Why not just go in and have a look see. And so I did.

The first words out of her mouth were “what are you doing here?”. You see, the young woman in question turned out to be MJ, my dart partner that afternoon. And then it all started making sense. I mean, even though MJ speaks fluent Tagalog, she doesn’t look like a Filipina (although truthfully, she looks pretty damn fine!). I just didn’t make the connection between her and the woman Mango described.

So, I told her that I was friends with John and Mango and they thought I should meet you. I guess we both found that pretty funny. And then I remembered something else. When I bought the sunglasses back in January, she was the person who sold them to me. Why do I remember that mundane detail? Because later that night she came into the bar where I was drinking. It was one of those “U” shaped bars and she was sitting across from me. We made eye contact and she said, you look familiar. How do I know you? I had to think about it myself, but then remembered I had seen her that afternoon in the store.

Anyway, it was another reminder of the joys of small town living. Or something.

Be it ever so humble…

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…there’s no place like home.

Out of the hotel and into my first ever apartment here in the Philippines. I guess that kinda makes me an official resident, right? Anyway, I consider this to be temporary quarters until I can find something I really want to call home. I’ve grown accustomed to living in a “palace” with too much space to now being cramped into a one bedroom unit. It’s bigger than similar apartments I looked at though. The place verifies my thinking that I brought too much shit with me. There is certainly not enough closet/shelf/drawer space to accommodate my clothing.

Anyway, here’s some pictures of the place:

My apartment complex. I believe the landlord told me there are two upstairs and three downstairs apartments. The upstairs units have 2 bedrooms and one will be available later this month. I’ll check it out and see if it is worth repacking all my stuff to gain some extra space.

The entrance to my place. That would be what is known as a dirty kitchen area for outdoor cooking. I may decide to set up a grill out there.

The “clean” kitchen. Give me time, I just moved in. I’ll dirty that fucker up!

A small refrigerator and what will serve as a pantry I suppose. There is zero cabinets in this kitchen as you might have noticed.

The dining area which has been re-purposed as my office. Got to give the landlord props, when I asked about wifi she said the router is upstairs but she would install one on the ground level as well. The network is “Eriksson 5G” but I doubt it is really that fast…still no complaints so far!

The living room…

The living room with my personal touches added….

The bathroom…someone asked why you need a water heater when it is always hot as hell outside. So? I like a hot shower anyway. Sue me!

The one and only bedroom.

The one and only bedroom has the one and only air con unit in the apartment. It keeps the room chilled enough, but it is insufficient to cool the rest of the place. Ah well, I’m paying for the electricity so I guess I’ll just consider myself frugal.

So, all that for a mere $440. per month. If I take the two bedroom later the rent will be $500. That’s pretty high I think, but living in the Baloy Beach area tends to cost a little more. Plus I’m sure I’m paying the “foreigner tax”.

Yesterday I played in a sweet little darts tourney here. I’m still sucking but I had moments of brilliance, so there’s hope.

Finished second and was happy with that. Those gals were some amazing darters. I was very impressed with their level of play. I need to step up my game if I’m going to be competitive here!

Alright, time for my morning beach walk. I might just get used to living like this.

A good day

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Up bright and early and ready for breakfast. Treasure Island did not disappoint!

A shitload of french toast, a big ass sausage, and two damn fine fried eggs. All for 350 pesos (less than $7.) Life is good!

Now, obviously I can’t eat like that everyday or I will be a fat old fucker once again. I’m resolved to make that kind of eating a once a week experience!

I did a one hour beach hike as penance for my over indulgence. As I neared my hotel on the return walk I spotted a woman in the distance walking towards me. She had the body type that I like and as she got closer I was pleased that she was in my preferred age range (mid thirties and up). As we passed I smiled and said good morning and she smiled back! I kept on walking, and ten paces later I turned around to look again. And so did she! Damn, getting the second look from a woman almost never happened to me in Korea.

I hesitated for just a second, then continued on. It is just not time yet for me. Too much to do right now and I need to stay focused on the task at hand. What are the odds that she would have be “the one” for me? I figure if it is meant to be, we’ll pass on the street again someday. IF that happens, I will offer her my phone number.

I can do that, because I now have a new sim card in my phone and a Philippines phone number.

Yep, I took the Jeepney into town, then hoofed it over to the mall and signed up with Globe for phone and internet.

Bought this pocket wifi as well. Internet here can be spotty. A couple places I went last night had non-functioning wifi. Today, my hotel internet has not worked. In fact, I’m blogging now courtesy of Globe and my pocket wifi.

Is that a wifi in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Yes!

And the day kept on getting better and better. Came back to the hotel for lunch, then headed out to see if the house I saw in the Santa Monica subdivision was still available. It wasn’t and damn, it was a hot motherfucker today. So hot it actually hurt. So on the way back home I popped into a hole in the wall bar called appropriately enough “Up the Alley”. I was surprised to see a dart tourney in progress, and very impressed to note that almost all the participants were female. Most of them quite attractive. I pinched myself and it wasn’t a dream!

I nursed a couple of beers and fantasized watched the action. One of the guys sitting next to at the bar (whom I hadn’t noticed for some reason) asked me if I was a dart player. I gave him an affirmative nod and he gave me the lowdown on the dart scene here. Basically, I can play on five different nights of the week if I am so inclined.

We got to talking about other things and I mentioned my so far fruitless efforts to find a suitable place to call home. He gave me some options on short term places, and suggested I talk to the manager at Treasure Island for other possibilities. I said that’s where I’m staying and I’m sure I’ve seen the guy. And then the other guy was going through his coupons won at the Friday night SOB dance contest raffle. He gave me one for a free night at Treasure Island. An extra day to look for an apartment. Sweet!

They (Tom and Jerry) invited me to join them at another nearby watering hole, Dynamite Dick’s. The owner immediately treated us to a round of beers. I liked the guy already, but when I saw his non-PC bar decor, I was even more impressed:

I’ll be back to grab me some…beers!

And lo and behold, the aforementioned manager of Treasure Island was sitting at the bar. Even though we had never talked, we immediately recognized each other. I was introduced and we got to chatting. Told him my dream was to find a house in Alta Vista but was having no luck finding anything for rent there. He said, there’s going to be a place for rent soon. It seems the owner of Treasure Island is building a house up there which will be completed in 6-8 weeks. His current house is also in Alta Vista. So, once he moves to the new place, he’ll be looking to rent his old one. I told him I’d definitely be interested in that, so he’s going to hook us up. Then I mentioned my coupon for a free night at his hotel, and he immediately called and secured me a room.

Is this a great town or what? I’m pretty damn sure I’m going to like my life here.

The first day of the rest of my (new) life

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What a difference a day makes!

The final goodbye to my work family was as difficult as I expected it would be. Lots of tears, including some of my own…

The king has left his palace for the last time…

I hired a local Filipina I know to drive me to Incheon for W150,000. I decided to pay a premium for the convenience of door-to-door service She brought her boyfriend along which turned out to be a good thing. She kept texting while driving in heavy traffic and after ignoring his entreaties to stop doing it, he took the phone away from her. I breathed a sigh of relief!

When the check-in counter for Philippines Air opened an hour after my arrival I was second in line for the business class check-in. When my turn came I hefted my two heavy suitcases up on the belt and then waited for what I hoped would be good news. After a bit she looked up at me and said simply “you are overweight”. I smiled and said, yeah I know, but I’m working hard on that with diet and exercise. She didn’t get my meaning at first, but then she pointed at the scale which read “64 kgs” and said I’m only allowed 30 kgs. She then helpfully suggested that if I wanted to pay and additional W334,000 she would check the bag. And so I did. I wasn’t surprised I was over the limit, just surprised by how much.

Anyway, I got to kill time in an airport lounge with a decent enough free buffet (another business class perk) while I waited to board my flight. Which in due course I did.

The only way to fly! The seat fully reclined, no one sitting next to me, and I enjoyed re-watching the musical “Chicago” for the first time in years. A short nap afterwards and then we were wheels down in Manila.

And once again the business class perks paid off as I was near the front of line at immigration and my luggage was amongst the first on the carousel. I was a little nervous that my many and bulging bags would garner unwanted attention from the customs folks (2 laptops, 15 new vape pens, and a dozen large bottles of juice) but they didn’t blink an eye as I sailed on through. Woot!

My driver was waiting in the appointed location and I was impressed as he skillfully maneuvered his way through the surprisingly heavy late night Manila traffic. It a long drive regardless and it was 3:00 a.m. when we finally arrived at the Treasure Island Resort where I will stay until Monday.

My room is a disappointment. I booked through Agoda and specifically requested (and paid for) an ocean view room. Well, the ocean ain’t far outside my door, but the room does not feature any windows. I guess if I sit out on my patio I can see water, but still… Oddly enough, the last time I stayed at Treasure Island I was given the same room, which is why I never came back. And just to prove that the God of Love has a wicked sense of humor, this is the room I shared with Loraine last year. So I slept in the bed we once shared, but honestly, it didn’t bother me. Much.

Maybe I was unfazed because before going to bed I took my sleeping meds in the form of ice cold San Mig Lights. It seemed like a good way to kick off retired life.

Up around 8:00 this morning, had an omelette and took a quick hike on the beach.

It felt damn good too.

A nice day to be retired.

While I was out and about I took a look at available short term apartments here in the Baloy beach area. The one I had looked at and liked during my January trip will not be available until next month. I found another one I kinda liked but when I asked about internet, the owner said “it’s better outside than inside”. Nope. So, I guess I’m going to settle for a little one bedroom place up the road a piece. It will run about $500 a month. Way too much really, but it is not a place I’m willing to stay long term, so there’s a premium on month-to-month. Or maybe I’m just paying the foreigner tax. Ah well, not going to sweat the small stuff.

Long term I still want a nice house. Walked through Alta Vista subdivision again but alas, I saw nothing for rent.

one of these…

…which feature this view would suit me just fine. I’ll be patient. Tomorrow I’ll check out another nearby subdivision and see what I can see…

Had lunch here at Treasure Island and flirted with the cute waitress Jessa. But it was all teasing, she is way too young and also has a four year old. Not going there!

I still need to go to the mall on the old Navy base and get a sim card for my phone. Was on my way to do that this afternoon and the sky started rumbling, so I said fuck it and came back to write this blog. Aren’t you glad I did?

And ain’t retired life grand?

My friend Eva sent me this poem and said when she saw it she thought it must be similar to what I’ve been feeling. Yeah, pretty much.

This is the beginning…
This is where it all will start,
on the wings of some new spirit with the beat of some new heart.

Every morning brings a promise,
Every day has gifts to give,
But today…right now…this minute….
is when I begin to live.
And the air that I am breathing is the breeze of what could be,
as I stand here looking out on all the things that could be Me.
And the road that goes before me, leading somewhere out of sight,
is a brand new opportunity for me to get it right.
This is the beginning. This is
Once Upon a Time….
There are dragons to be vanquished! There are castle walls to climb!
But this story isn’t written yet.
I’m only at page one.
The adventure that’s awaiting me has only just begun.
There are mysteries and treasures.
There are daring deeds to do!
And if I speak the secret word, then all my wishes will come true.
That magic word has powers that can make the heavens spin.
But it really is not secret that the password is……”Begin!”
Oh the possibilities is this beginning I have made!
I am ready!…. but reluctant.
I am excited!…. but afraid.

Afraid that starting something new leaves something old behind.
Afraid that what I seek is something I may never find.
Or, if I find it, that it won’t be what I want at all.
That what I’ve left behind is what I needed after all.

Beginning can be bittersweet, and hard to comprehend.
It can mean that some sweet, precious part of life is at an end.
And the heart can feel so hollow when it has to say good-bye
that the thought of starting over is too hard to even try.

But when I reach the end, when all my days are nearly through,
I will not want to look back on all the things I didn’t do.
Nor regret the joys and passions of the me that might have been,
if only I had found the simple courage to begin.
So…….This is the beginning….
My Beginning……..My Rebirth.
I awaken to the wonder of what I am really worth.
It is a springtime for the spirit, and it’s giving me a choice.
So I choose to use this season as a reason to rejoice!

I lift my voice in sweet thanksgiving, singing loud….and not alone.
A host of harmonies accompanies my song of the unknown.
Loving friends and willing strangers, with their voices joining in,
create a chorus of encouragement that begs me to begin.

And the end?…..
It’s out there, somewhere, farther than the heart can see.
And the power that will take me there is here, inside of me.
Though there is no way I can know how many trials I’ll endure,
nor the joys that I may find,
there is one thing I know for sure…..

This is the Beginning…….
–Warren Hanson

It’s time.

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And here we are at last. My final day as a resident of Korea. My final day of employment. And hopefully my final day of looking back in sorrow and regret.

A few things left to do before I move on to my new future. Waiting for the landlord to come and satisfy himself that I’m leaving the house in the same condition I found it one year ago. Spent some big bucks having it cleaned last night so I reckon it is going to be fine. Then I’ll go into the office for a few hours to close some things out and say my final goodbyes to my work family. That’s going to be heartbreaking I know, but it’s a step in the process of moving on.

Speaking of goodbyes, I made the rounds last night saying farewell to my bar friends, and is my wont, handing out candy to my favorites. They don’t call me “the candyman” for nothing!

Georgia from Horse and Cow. She says she’s returning to the PI herself next month.

Mama, the owner of Horse and Cow.

Anna from Arirang Bar. She’s special to me. In fact, I really hope to meet a gal with her wit and humor someday.

Rein from Hot Top.

JJ and Seon Nyeo of Crystal’s Bar. I actually said my goodbyes there on Wednesday night.

I dropped into the IDK bar last night as well. The owner even gave me a gift, so I guess everything is forgiven from our past misunderstandings.

That’s a good question, one I’ve frequently asked myself of late…

I Don’t Know the answer, but I’m pretty sure it will involve the PI.

The owner of Hot Top saw my IDK shirt and wanted me to change into his. So of course I obliged.

The final stop of the night was at “The Block”, the new bar in town owned by the woman who ran the now demolished Shooters.

My friends Daniel and Dela joined me for most of my final Anjeong-ri bar hop. We had a great time. I was of course very drunk by the time midnight rolled around. They insisted on walking home with me, which was unnecessary but really sweet.

Speaking of friends, Eva messaged me with some encouraging words from a writer she likes last night.

I never really had a plan for life, I just reacted to it. Whenever I reached a crossroads, I chose a direction and followed the road without a clue as to where it might take me. I guess it is natural to wonder about the paths that would have led to a different life, but you only get to live the life you chose. No mulligans. But I have been extremely fortunate and blessed. The roads I have taken have led to some great adventures and life-altering experiences. A fool’s luck perhaps, but even though I could never have imagined what my life would turn out to be, it has been a very nice ride. So it is time to look forward again. And it will be an adventure with an uncertain outcome for sure.

I was drunk when she sent it, but it did sound vaguely familiar. And then Eva revealed that she had been reading the old posts on my blog. The one quoted above was from January 1, 2005 as I contemplated my upcoming move to Korea. Wow. Everything has seemingly changed for me, and yet oddly, it remains the same. I want to have the confidence and positive outlook that the 2005 version of me carried into Korea. Thanks for reminding me of that, Eva.

And so ends my final post from Korea. It seems appropriate to end it with a song. I always imagined that this particular song would be perfect to be played at my funeral. It also seems appropriate to mark the end of my life in Korea and you can read this article where I mentioned about the affordability of the best funeral services in town.

Time
Flowing like a river
Time
Beckoning me
Who knows when we shall meet again
If ever
But time
Keeps flowing like a river
To the sea

Goodbye my love
Maybe for forever
Goodbye my love
The tide waits for me
Who knows when we shall meet again
If ever
But time
Keeps flowing like a river (on and on)
To the sea
To the sea

Till it’s gone forever
Gone forever
Gone forevermore

Goodbye my friend
Maybe for forever
Goodbye my friend
The stars wait for me
Who knows where we shall meet again
If ever
But time
Keeps flowing like a river (on and on)
To the sea
To the sea

The end of days

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And so here it is, my last night in Korea. Lots of emotions churning inside me, but after all these years and memories perhaps that’s to be expected.

Walking home from work today I remembered something from 35 years ago. I was still living in Arizona, but I had sent my daughter and son to stay with my mom in Oklahoma while I recovered from my first divorce and a subsequent heartbreak. I had gone out there for a visit and when the time came for me to leave, my seven year old daughter said to me “Daddy, I know all about goodbye. It is spelled S-A-D”. And she was right. All these accumulated goodbyes are starting to take their toll. I know I will be fine once I’m wheels up and on my way, but damn, this is harder than I expected. The reality is that in all likelihood most of the people I know and care about here I will never see again. Well, they all have a standing invite to come visit me in paradise, but life intrudes, people move on, and soon enough I’ll be forgotten.

So, I’ve completed a circle of sorts.

One year ago I was arriving in Pyeongtaek. And now it is time to get the hell out of here.

In other news, I am now carless, as opposed to careless. The sell went smoothly and I now have an extra $500. in my wallet. It’s a good old car and I hope she serves the new owner well.

Afterwards, I treated my staff for a final lunch with the boss. We dined at Ariang, the first restaurant where we ate together after the move from Yongsan. Another circle closed.

Here’s half the crew…

….and here’s the rest of them…

I explained to the team that there is no such thing as a free lunch. The price they were paying today was hearing me hold court one last time. But it was a special occasion…

Because today I had the honor of presenting my Deputy, Donna Cole, with a Superior Civilian Service Award. In my 38 years with Uncle Sam Donna has been one of the most impressive individuals I have ever worked with. She knows her stuff and knows what to do with it. A great leader, a great person, a hard worker and fun to be around. She sure as hell made me look good and that is no small achievement!.

Speaking of my career, tomorrow is the last day of it. When I retired the first time back at the end of 2010 I wrote a long post recounting my career called “The end of the road”. If you are suffering insomnia, I can highly recommend it! Of course, it turned out it wasn’t the end of the road after all. I’m glad I took the detour though, because these past 3 years have been the best of my working life.

My daughter was going through a box of my stuff I left behind and sent me some reminders of just how long that road has been.

My daughter was laughing and said “you were always on us about our grades!” And I gave her the dad response of “do as I say, not as I do”. I clearly had some issues back in high school. Pot being one of them. I wasn’t any stupider then, just lazier. Still surprised I failed in PE, but Coach Davis was a hard ass and didn’t like my long hair. And the “C” in creative writing? Mr. Boyles was just not appreciative of my style of writing. I distinctly recall him telling me a sonnet I wrote (and actually worked hard on) was “extremely corny”. Well, everyone is a critic I suppose. I wonder what he would say about my blog? Eh, probably best not to know in my current fragile state…

For the record, I did in fact graduate from high school. Although I did have to take a couple of night courses at the local community college to make up for some of those “F’s”. Ah well, look at me today!

The daughter also sent me this old pay stub:

$2.00 dollars an hour working graveyard shift at the local convenience store. That was a big boost from the $1.35 the car wash was paying. Although after getting robbed one night I decided that my life was worth more than what they were paying….

Anyway, it all turned out well. I’ve had a great career and now it is time to see if I can’t find some success in other aspects of my life. Starting tomorrow!

They love me. They really love me!

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A good day at work.

Today was the last day I’ll put on a tie before going to work.

It was also the day of my “re-retirement” luncheon. The staff prepared team t-shirts for the occasion.

The Deputy G1, LTC Cooper was on hand to give some very kind remarks about my work with 8th Army.

And I was awarded the Superior Civilian Service Award…

Pinning on the medal…

Presenting the Certificate…

And then for one of the last times, the guests got paid to listen to me hold court. I was very thankful and appreciative for the recognition.

Then the staff presented me some going away gifts. I was very touched at their thoughtfulness…

I love this photo collage full of memories of the times we spent together.

….and they all left a little personal message for me as well.

What do you get a guy who doesn’t have much of a life outside of walking and drinking? Why, Hash gear of course!

My first personal patch! This was really special, although mentioning of my Hash name in an open restaurant with a mixed crowd was a tad uncomfortable. I prefaced my reading of the name with a mention of the Beatles song, so hopefully that worked…

A new Hash shirt that will definitely be put to use soon in Subic…

With a nice Hash House motto on the back!

A second shirt, with my name and my favorite beverage…On On!

Yet another personalized shirt, a nice Tagalog language book, and a shopping bag which according to the giver accurately depicts my Hash name….

It’s the people in your life that make a difference. And it is the people you will miss when you have moved far away. Hell, I miss them already and I’m not even gone!

A moving experience

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Winding it down and winding it up. Completed my final drunken weekend in Anjeong-ri, featuring competing in my last IDK dart tourney. Took a fourth, which was disappointing. Understandable though since I haven’t found the motivation to get off my lazy ass and practice. But I’m resolved to re-dedicate myself to the sport after the move. I’ll have some hours to fill once I arrive and that should be a productive use of some of that time.

I’ve been thinking about the big move as the day rapidly approaches. I’ve obviously made many moves in my life, starting with moving out of my parent’s house when I was a lad of 17. But I’ve never made a move quite like this one. When I left California, where I was born and raised, for Arizona, I took along my wife and children and transferred with my letter carrier job. A few years later I was both divorced and heartbroken when I moved alone to Oklahoma. In some ways, that move most resembles this one. I sold everything I owned that didn’t fit in my car and started over. But, I was also going to be rejoining with my kids and mother and I still had a job, so in that way it differs.

I eventually remarried and took a big promotion in South Carolina. Later on, a new job and a new wife in Virginia. The big change in my life was moving to Korea in January 2005. Big culture shock both in learning about an Asian country and adapting to my new employer, the U.S. Army. I wound up loving both! So much so that I didn’t want to return to the USA, which eventually cost me yet another wife.

And then the day came (December 31, 2010) when I first decided to retire. I had been planning to live in the Philippines, but Jee Yeun changed my mind about that. Instead we made a plan to live 6 months in the states and 6 months in Korea. That worked for me. Until it didn’t work for her anymore. Not going to open that old wound now, suffice to say I came back to Korea and came back to work. Having completed the circle it is once again time to retire and this time I’ll follow through on the plan to live in the PI, for better or worse.

Is it a little scary? To be honest, yes. At least in the sense that I’m going to be exploring uncharted territory on my own. My many previous moves have not been anything like the one I’m preparing to make now. The biggest differences are that I will be alone and unemployed. A job gives you a built-in social network and a sense of purpose and belonging. I know I’ll make friends (already have one in Manila) and I’ll get settled into my routines. In time I’m sure it will feel like home. It’s just a bit disconcerting dealing with all the unknowns. Well, that’s what makes it an adventure I suppose.

Let the adventure begin! In a mere 5 days.

Letting go

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The farewell tour continues apace.

Roused my blog buddy Kevin Kim for an early (for him) morning hike up Namsan. He did a much better job describing the day’s events than I ever could here. Please go give it a read. I certainly felt honored being featured on his blog!

Anyway, it was a beautiful day on the mountain and it was nice to have some company along to share another “last” in my Korean life. I won’t deny feeling a little melancholy, but there is always some sadness associated with endings I suppose.

Kevin says that the climb kicked his ass, but I’m not buying it. After all, this is the man who walked from Seoul to Busan at this time last year.

I guess Namsan came to be like an old friend to me. We spent a lot of time together during my last two years in Seoul. I’m a lesser man now thanks to this mountain!

After our climb and a walk around Itaewon and the local environs, Kevin insisted on treating me to a meal at our favorite Brazilian steak house–Tabom Brazil. As usual it was outstanding and we gorged ourselves on several varieties of meat, and seconds of course to make sure we maximized our bang for the buck, or Won as it were.

In a rather odd coincidence, Facebook reminded me that is was exactly four years ago that I met Kevin in person (although we had “met” online through our blogs and communicated with each other almost from the beginning of my time in Korea. I had blogged about that 3-D meeting in a post called “The nicest guy I’ve never met”. And during that first meeting we had dined together at, you guessed it, Tabom Brazil. It felt nice to come full-circle like that.

Kevin is heat averse, so he made clear he won’t be visiting the Philippines in this lifetime. We said our goodbyes, knowing our online relationship will continue as long as we do. Farewell and thanks again my friend!

After lunch I hurried back to the hotel, showered and changed, then headed out to Shenanigans to participate in my last ever Seoul International Dart League tournament. I didn’t play particularly well, but I got to see lots of old familiar faces and had a great time. Drank way too much of course, but that’s the nature of the game. At least for me.

It was good to see my oldest friend in Itaewon once again. Cheers Jim Dewey!

I was also honored with this sweet and delicious cake. Thanks Eve and Mike!

At the conclusion of the tournament the SIDL League President presented me with this memento in recognition of my many years of participation and service to the league. I was very surprised and moved. Thanks everyone!

Did I mention I got very drunk?

Thank goodness I found photographic evidence that I did in fact have dinner last night after the tourney. Not that I remember it…

Got up early-ish this morning to spend some time with another old friend–the Han River.

Did a 3 hour goodbye walk along her banks. It’s been swell, Han!

I took a break from my river walk to enjoy breakfast at the Original Pancake House in Itaewon. I was joined by my old friend and longtime housekeeper, Josie. Good luck to you always!

And that’s about it so far. Tonight is my last night in Seoul and I’m going to meet up with a few more folks this evening I reckon. And that will be that.

I’m letting go of the past as best I can, but I carry over 13 years of memories of my life in Korea with me. There’s a sadness associated with many of them because they relate to a life here I no longer have. My challenge is to not carry that sadness forward into my forthcoming new life in the Philippines. Yeah, I’m going to be me wherever I am, but I can choose to be the happy me. I’ve actually had a couple of people comment on the fact that I appear so much happier these days. I guess happiness is relative, but I do have much improved attitude and I am remaining very optimistic about the future. Whatever it may bring. In 12 days.

Oh oh letting go
There’s nothing in the way now,
Oh letting go, there’s room enough to fly
And even though, he’s spent his whole life waiting,
It’s never easy letting go.

Hardly working

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Winding down the days in this iteration of my career in government service. I’ve given almost 38 years of my life to Uncle Sam and I’m trying mightily to stay engaged and productive until the end. Truth is though that all that is really left to do is tie up some loose ends and clear the decks for my successor.

I’m on a committee with the American Embassy that reviews Special Immigration Visa applications from foreign nationals with long term and/or extraordinary service to the U.S. government. I met with them (well, I dialed in from Humphreys) for the final time this past week. It’s a responsibility I take to heart and I want to be sure that deserving individuals are given full and fair consideration for their requests to become permanent residents of the nation they have faithfully served. We voted to approve ten of the eleven applications. I had to advocate strongly for one person who had one blemish on an otherwise stellar career with USFK. In the end the panel voted 3-2 to accept his application and I felt really good about that. A small thing for me that potentially has a big impact on someone’s future.

This coming Friday I will meet with the Korean Employees Union leadership for the final time. I’ve enjoyed this aspect of my job very much and I take a great deal of pride in the outstanding labor-management climate we have maintained within USFK. We rely on our Korean workforce to ensure readiness for our “fight tonight” mission, so keeping our civilians focused and motivated is critical. I doubt we will have much of substance to discuss this go round but I’m going to treat the KEU President and Secretary General to some American-style barbeque, probably at Manimals in Itaewon. Looking forward to that.

Speaking of my successor, we have had eleven candidates referred for consideration. I’m sure I’ll be asked to weigh-in on the relative merits of each and I will of course be happy to do so. I’ve loved my work here and I want to make sure my DHRM family is well taken care of after I’m gone.

As I’ve been cleaning out my files in preparation for my departure I came across an historic email from just over two years ago. Regular readers may recall that some cowardly person chose to complain about my blog to command leadership rather than engage me directly through the comments. I really despise chickenshit assholes who cannot abide anyone with a contrary opinion. Here is what the melting snowflake had to say in his/her complaint:

“I am an applicant and was looking for information about USFK. During my search, I found this website: www.mccrarey.com. It is VERY concerning! The posts are written by someone clearly from high in the command who is absolutely not inclusive. A few of the specific posts that are concerning are: 2/13/16—comparing Bernie Sanders to Hitler. Yes, I know there is free speech, but he identifies as a federal employee. 1/9/16—clearly identifies who he works for. 12/15/15—mocking Muslims, refers to Mohamed as pedophile. 10/23/15—Korean Employees Appeal Board and how it is messed up. 10/14/15—celebrating completing combatting trafficking on hooker hill…which is a real place. I truly hope this is not the image you want to be associated with your command.”

So, the complaint was referred to the Staff Judge Advocate (the lawyers) for review. This email was sent to my big boss in response:

“I reviewed the blog and could not find any violation of law or regulation. He writes about his personal political opinions, often in a churlish manner, but this is not prohibited. He is also not prohibited from identifying his employer or his position as long as he makes clear this his opinions are not those of the US government. I recommend that you notify the employee that there was a complaint about his blog and simply remind him of the applicable rules.”

My boss responded to me as follows:

“John, FYI…it’s good to know that writing about political opinions in a churlish manner is not prohibited. Maybe you should add a customer service link to your blog site so they can directly address concerns to the source. Still trying to figure out what “customer service” was officially provided by USFK through a personal blog that warrants an ICE complaint?”

Heh. Well the upshot of all this was I had to visit with the EEO office where I was encouraged to be more “sensitive”. My supervisor asked me to try and refrain from blogging about work. And a few months later I got promoted to the job I currently hold. I sincerely hope the punk ass loser who complained about me reads this so I can offer a hearty and sincere “fuck you!”

Oh, and any opinions expressed here at LTG are my own, dispensed on my own time, and do not represent the views of the United States government. At least for the next 17 days.

Time will tell

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Preparation continues apace as the days (21!) to my departure wind down. Some packing left to do but I’ve also been busy closing doors.

Moving forward to an unknown future carries with it a sense of adventure. But that trip to tomorrow is best made traveling light, and that means leaving the baggage of the past in the past. Easier said than done of course.

Why yes, yes I have.

So this week I’ve let go of the love I felt for one, finally accepting that she will not be sharing my dreams of a happy life in the Philippines. Oddly enough, the sadness I feel is for her, not me. I know that sounds egotistical but in my heart I do believe she would have had a happier life with me than the one she has chosen. I hope I’m wrong about that, but regardless there is no escaping the consequences of our decisions. She has chosen a different path so I will walk mine without her.

The door to a future with Gem has also closed. As much by her choice as mine, although she professes to be hurt. We could just never connect on the emotional and intellectual level that I know I require in a relationship. I’m sorry to have disappointed her but at this stage of my life when it comes to love I’ve got two options left: what I want or nothing at all.

Another door to close and lots of goodbyes in store when I visit Seoul for the last time next weekend. There is always a sadness associated with endings I suppose. My goal is to not be overwhelmed or consumed with sorrow and regret. I’ll start my new life unencumbered and totally free to choose the door that leads to happiness.

Yeah, the old cliché about when one door closes, another opens is in my mind. As my arrival in the Philippines gets closer I’m starting to get messages from a few Filipinas I’ve befriended on Facebook strongly hinting (or outright asking) if they can join me in my new life. Clearly, I’m going to have the opposite problem women-wise than I do here; from no options to almost unlimited options. The level of desperation amongst many of the women I see on the social networks is both sad and scary. They are looking for a way out of their forlorn lives and they see me as their ticket. Well, perhaps for “the one” I will be.

My challenge is going to be to choose wisely. I can’t let my judgement be clouded by sympathy (or lust!). I need to move cautiously and slowly and have the strength to say “sorry, but no” and walk away. In short, I need to learn to harden my heart and stop being such a nice guy sucker. Time will tell.

All of my life, I’ve been waitin’ in the rain
I’ve been waitin’ for a feeling that never, ever came
It feels so close but always disappears

Darlin’, in your wildest dreams, you never had a clue
But it’s time you got the news

I’m gonna harden my heart
I’m gonna swallow my tears
I’m gonna turn and leave you here

I’ve got a name

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Sorry for the lack of posting, let’s catch up! Things continue apace as I transit the transitory process. I’ve even acquired a new moniker to carry with me in my new life in the Philippines. More on that later in this post.

Meanwhile, here in the real world (or at least the world in which I physically live) I’m making the best of it while it lasts.

Enjoyed me a lunch featuring crab legs at the Provider Grill DFAC with my counterparts from the Eighth Army G1.

After work on Friday I got stuck on base because of a lockdown. Apparently there was an active shooter (or more likely an active shooter drill). I waited around the walk-in gate as long as I could, but nature called so I hoofed it across the street to the Flightline restaurant. They were locked up, but let me in so I could “shelter in place”. They had a restroom and cold beer, so I waited it out in comfort until the all clear was sounded.

And I finally reached a decision in the one bag or two dilemma.

Better to have too much than not enough, right?

Having the second suitcase gave me the confidence to fill it with things that may be hard to find or expensive in my new homeland. It was raining Saturday morning which gave me the perfect excuse to go shopping at the PX. I surprised myself by spending over $500 during my spree. I bought a few more shirts and shorts appropriate for the tropics. I also picked up two large bottles of my favorite cologne (Armani Mania). I went ahead and splurged on a brand new Fitbit, figuring I’d want a backup handy should the one I’m wearing fail.

And these shoes. The most comfortable shoes I’ve ever owned and probably the most expensive ($116). They have some cushioning effect that feels like you have little springs on your feet. Disconcerting at first, but I like it now!

The rain let up some in the afternoon, and I needed to get my steps in so off I went.

A blooming orchard I encountered along the way.


And even after being here almost one year (my lease expires on the day I fly out) this sign still cracks me up.

I’ve been trying to get back into darts as that will be one of my pastimes after I make the move. Still can’t seem to find the motivation to practice, but I’m back at it on Saturday nights at IDK bar.

I drew Ben as my partner. We have some history. First met him in Columbia, SC when he was stationed at Fort Jackson. A year later he moved on to Syracuse, NY. At his farewell I mentioned that maybe we’d meet again in Korea someday. His wife said NO WAY I’m going to Korea. So I took some satisfaction while attending Ben’s assumption of command ceremony on Yongsan a couple of years ago, asking Leah “what are you doing in Korea?”

Ben and I played on the “What the Bulls” championship team my last season in Seoul. He moved down to Humphreys this fall, but we’ve never drawn up as partners until last Saturday. We were both off our game though and had to settle for a second place finish. Great fun throwing with him again though!

And now I hope you’ll indulge me while I play the role of proud grandfather.

Gracyn did her second horse show and seems to have both a natural talent and a love for the sport.


Took first place in two events and that smile says it all.

Sunday morning was nice, so I decided to make the long trek to Pyeongtaek city and back (3.5 hours).

As is my custom, I took the riverside bike path…

Pyeongtaek awaits. As usual, I peed at the train station, walked through the glass house red light district, then headed on home.

I was walking on a carpet of blossoms.

Sunday afternoon I joined up with the Humphreys Hangover Hash House Harriers for the day’s event. It actually turned out to be a pretty challenging trail.

First time the Hare (Shamu Shagger), the person marking the trail, took us this far afield. A rice field as it were.

It was a smallish turnout (three hashers plus the Hare) but we really covered some territory, including down by the riverside.


It made for a long day!

It was also my 5th Hash and that meant I would be given my official Hash name.

Young Dum Cum is my Hash father, having selected my Hash name.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m still learning the Hash rituals (I’m getting much better at following the trails though!), so half the time I don’t know what’s going on. The naming ritual was pretty intense, as I was grilled with probing questions for quite awhile as they searched for nuggets of information that would lead to an appropriate Hash name.

Now, Hash names are rarely PC or appropriate in polite company. Flim Flam, Blow My Pipe, Bum Burglar, Leech My Nuggets are examples of my soon to be fellow Hashers in the Subic Bay Hash House Harriers kennel. So I was a little nervous about what they might come up with for me. After about twenty minutes of deliberation over my interview answers I was called back to the circle and awarded the Hash name I will carry with me throughout the world. After drinking beer from the traditional dog bowl I was introduced as:

Cum Together.

I’ve already ordered my Hash jersey with my name on the back.

Like the pine trees lining the winding road
I got a name, I got a name
Like the singing bird and the croaking toad
I got a name, I got a name
And I carry it with me like my daddy did
But I’m living the dream that he kept hid
Moving me down the highway, rolling me down the highway
Moving ahead so life won’t pass me by

A profound thought

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“If you are willing to settle for less, less will be your destiny.”

Well, that’s as profound as it gets for me anyway.

Over the past few days in the course of conversation with a couple of different friends the concept of destiny reared its ugly head. As usual, the context was “well, that didn’t turn out the way I hoped, but it must be destiny.” Of course, destiny is the twin sister of “God’s will”. Well, I ain’t buying it.

I recall my final appearance in Sunday School at the First Baptist Church in Columbia, South Carolina. The lesson that day was about how God had granted mankind “free will”. At the conclusion of class there was an announcement that there would be a march to the statehouse in support of more restrictive abortion laws. I was sincerely confused and so I raised my hand and asked “if God has given us free will, why would you want to pass a law taking that away?” I was met with a blank stare and after a few seconds was told “it’s a matter of faith”. I took it on faith that there was no point in my returning.

The point is that if we have free will to make decisions in life there can be no outcome that is our destiny. If what happens in our life is preordained, it wouldn’t matter what road or course of action we decided to take, we’d always wind up in the same place. Bullshit.

The things that happen to us in life, good and bad, are not “destiny” they are the result of the choices we make. Yeah, call me Captain Obvious but I’m tired of hearing “sorry, it was just our destiny that we arrived in this fucked up place”. No, we are where we are because we chose through our deeds a course of action that led us here.

I’m taking a new path (in 28 days!) that will lead me to a different future. And as I move forward I’m very cognizant of the fact that the choices I will make along the way are critical if I am to achieve my goal of living a contented and comfortable life in the Philippines. In short, I can’t let myself fuck up again. There are many traps, pitfalls and obstacles along the road to happiness. I’ll have to be patient and cautious as I move forward and choose wisely among the options that will present themselves.

I remain confident that the love of my life is out there and that she will find me one day. It’s my destiny.

I’ve been looking for a lover
But I haven’t met her yet
She’ll be nothing like
I pictured her to be
In her eyes I will discover
Another reason why
I want to live
and make the best
of what I see.

Where the sun hits the water
And the mountains meet the sand
There’s a beach
that I walk along sometimes
And maybe there I’ll meet her
And we’ll start to say ‘hello’
And never stop to think
of any other time.

Looking’ for a love
that’s right for me
I don’t know how long
it’s going to be
But I hope I treat her kind
And don’t mess with her mind
When she starts to see
the darker side of me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFs_4N5PU28

The lasts shall be firsts

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Thirty days out or one month away, take your pick. I continue the slow process of extricating myself from the bonds that bind me here.

My big dilemma of the moment is deciding whether to bring two suitcases or one. Philippines Air says I can carry 30 kilos total on the flight, every additional kilo will cost me $12.00. Decisions, decisions. On the one hand, I can just leave behind whatever might not fit. Or I could fill the second bag with stuff I could use and may not find in the PI (or that would cost a lot more). For example, I wouldn’t mind bringing a bidet with me. Plus I can buy stuff at the PX tax free. On the other hand, I’d have to struggle with two big-ass suitcases, plus my carry-on. I’ll decide sometime in the next month I reckon.

Meanwhile, I’m in the zone now where some things I do here I’m doing for the last time.

Today I got my last haircut in Korea…

It was pretty funny, the barber said I seem in much better spirits than I was the first time she saw me. She said that first day I had an expression on my face like I had just stepped in dog shit. That cracked me up! I admit I went through a grumpy phase (oh hell, maybe it is just my nature). But, having a new life to look forward to soon has indeed brightened my spirits.

Even my milk has a longer shelf life here than I do!

On thing is for sure, moving to the PI will…

…be changing me.

On the flip (no offense meant to the Filipino people) side, every last in Korea will be an opportunity for a first come May.

What else? Well it is Siblings Day in the USA. So, let me give a shoutout to my bros…

I’d be the handsome one in the middle. But you knew that, right?

I’m planning my last trip to Seoul the last weekend in April. Will stay Friday through Monday. Anyone out there want to meet up, give me a holler. Especially you, Kevin Kim.

The days like a slow train trickle by
And even the words that I write refuse to fly
All I can hear is your song haunting me
Can’t get the melody out of my head, you see
Distractions are amusing, do you know how much you’re losing
No you don’t, but I do

There is no “I” in team…

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…but there is “me”. So, indulge me while I besiege you with 40 photos from this weekend’s off-site team building excursion to Byeonsan National Park way down south on the West Sea.

I got up early and baked some blueberry muffins to share with the team…

….made some brownies too. Pretty tasty if I do say so myself…

The team gathered to await the arrival of our chariot….

….which was right on time.

On the bus…

…and on the road.

Stopped at a scenic rest area along the way.

These rays have lost their sting no doubt…

The amazing staff members of the U.S. Eighth Army’s Directorate of Human Resources Management.

This quiet little village was the location for our lunchee meal.

It was bibimbap and Korean pizza, not my personal favorites, but I took one for the team.

We also hiked over to the local temple.

As Buddhist temples go, this one wasn’t all that impressive. The sign said it was original built in 633 and reconstructed in the 1500’s. I’ll have to take their word on that.

It was a nice walk getting there though.

A trail not taken. I’d say I saved it for another day, but my time in Korea is almost gone. A certain sadness permeated my weekend as I contemplated the ending of my life here.

Then it was off to the hotel at the Daemyung Resort. It was an impressive facility. I took this photo of the place from the top of a nearby mountain I hiked.

And this was the view from my room early on Saturday morning. I had been disappointed not to have a scored a sea view room, but this was very nice indeed.

After check-in we had individual free time prior to reconvening for dinner. I naturally used mine to hike around the area.

Saw some ocean…

…and some beaches…

….early signs of spring…

….a fishing boat harbor…

….and pledges of undying love written on sea shells. At Namsan the young lovers use padlocks. I doubt either would work for my sorry broken hearted ass…

I hiked from over there to up here. It was quite pleasant actually…

Oh, and I met this girl on the beach. We had some communication difficulty but I got the message she wasn’t interested in dating me. Heart of stone in that one…

We reconvened for the staff dinner at a mom and pop type restaurant in the neighborhood…

And enjoyed the thickest cut of samgyupsal I ever did see. And it turned out to be quite delicious….

Well, we were on a team building excursion. My Deputy and I had decided to forego the traditional team building exercises which we agreed were quite lame and did not translate well culturally. I still felt obligated to talk about the concept of “Team” and what it meant to be part of a successful one. I also reminded them that a team continues to function at a high level, regardless of who may depart that team. I know they will be fine without me and that they will ensure my replacement enjoys the satisfaction and success they have brought my professional life. What an honor it has been to lead them!

Back to the resort for the traditional after dinner beer bonding activity….

….which the team mastered quite well.

Saturday morning we gathered for a team hike up to a famous waterfall I can’t remember the name of and can’t be bothered to look up right now.

Here I demonstrate the concept of leading from behind…

Up, up and away…

It was quite beautiful as you can see…

The upper falls…

and the lower falls…

It was a pretty good hike, taking about an hour. I was glad to be in good enough shape to make it…

…and so did most of the rest of the team. And yes, a couple of my folks brought their kids along so that was a nice addition to the group.

And then it was time to head back to Pyeongtaek. The bus tried to leave without me, but I put a stop to that!

And thereby demostrated to the staff how not to use your head*.

No worries though. In due course I was resurrected which has allowed me to bring you the pleasure of this fine example of blogging. You are welcome!

46 days remaining.

*No one was actually injured in the creation of this post. I’ll do just about anything for a laugh.

Working for a living

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Even though I’m a “double digit midget” things at Eighth Army Headquarters continue apace.

I led my team in providing some much needed training to our senior leaders in civilian personnel issues. For many in the officer cadre, working with civilians with the various rules and regulations associated with that workforce is a mystery that can be frustrating. Hopefully we managed to ease their minds some.

Today I also attended the Command Staff briefing to our 3-Star Commanding General. I did take note of the fact that on all the calendar slides the dates after mid-May lost all significance to me. I guess maybe I do have some symptoms of short timer-itis after all.

Oh, and I was asked to provide a copy of my bio…hmm. I’ve got a hunch what that is for, but I’ll let it be a surprise. For your reading enjoyment:

JOHN M. McCRAREY
Director, Human Resource Management
HQ 8th U.S. Army, Pyeongtaek, Republic of Korea

Mr. McCrarey began his career in federal service with the United States Postal Service in 1976 at Anaheim, California as a Letter Carrier. In his twenty-four years with the Postal Service he held positions of increasing responsibility in Prescott, Arizona; Fort Smith, Arkansas; Columbia, South Carolina; and Arlington, Virginia. His key assignments included Safety Manager, Labor Relations Specialist, Director, Human Resources, and Manager, Labor Relations. In 2001, Mr. McCrarey accepted a labor relations position with the United States Department of Education in Washington, DC. He joined the Army team in Korea in January 2005 as Chief, Labor and Performance Management and assumed responsibilities as Deputy Director in December 2007 and Director in June 2009. Mr. McCrarey retired from government service on 31 December 2010 but agreed to return to duty in the Directorate of Human Resources Management in June 2015, and accepted promotion to his former position as Director in September 2016.

Mr. McCrarey earned a Bachelor of Science in Human Resource Management from Southern Wesleyan University and did graduate studies at Marymount University in Arlington, Virginia.. He is a graduate of the USPS Advanced Leadership Program and the Excellence in Government Fellows Program. Mr. McCrarey is certified as a Senior Professional in Human Resources Management (SPHR).

You know, it occurs to me that my job is the best part of my life these days. Paradoxically, that is also the most compelling reason to retire again and find a meaningful life outside of work. We’ll see soon enough. In 58 days.

On this morning’s walk into the office I noticed these words of wisdom:

I’ll take that as a sign.

And on my afternoon walk I discovered more evidence that things here in Pyeongtaek are just a little bit off:

Every tenth Sunday?

All that walking has it’s rewards… 5,000 miles with the FitBit, apparently the equivalent of walking Africa end-to-end.

On the Facebook front, I got this reminder of something I posted 8 years ago today:

As I’ve been looking back at some old photographs I find myself wondering if I really enjoyed those moments as much as I should have way back then. You know, it is very easy as we live each day to focus on what’s ahead or behind us or whatever trouble we have on our mind. But really, there is so much to appreciate right in front of our nose and sometimes we miss that.

It seems I was a lot smarter then than I am now, don’t you think?

And it was only four years ago that I made the news:

“Man with wildly erratic darts endangers hotel guests” is how I recall the headline.

True enough. EspeciallyBut only if they stay by your side through thick and thin.

I’m wide open to whatever comes next in life. Open heart and open mind. Bring it on!

Life’s a dance

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A good day in Seoul.

The Korean Employees Union leaders treated me and my KN labor adviser to a fine meal.

Grilled beef was tasty as were the sides. As a single guy I don’t get to enjoy Korean meals that often as they are generally served for a minimum of two…

After lunch we went upstairs to the union office and conducted our meeting. After working through the union’s agenda, I advised them I had one agenda item. I told them I had purchased a ticket to the Philippines for May 11. “When will you be back?” the President asked. I said it is a one-way ticket. I won’t be back. They were incredulous and none too pleased with the news. Which I guess is quite the compliment.

Early in my career I was a union steward and chapter president with the National Association of Letter Carriers. When I received my first promotion as a Safety Specialist, I was woefully unqualified for the job. When I asked the HR Director why she had selected me she replied “I always appreciated how you handled yourself in labor-management meetings. Your willingness to see both sides of a problem told me you had the right attitude and could be trained in the technical aspects of the job”. Now over 30 years later I was conducting a labor-management meeting on the management side of the table and listening with empathy to the union’s issues. It felt like I had completed the circle and it was a nice finishing touch to my long government career.

After work I took a two hour stroll along the Han river then circled back to my hotel as the sun set on another of the dwindling days in my Korea life.

Later that evening I met up with the nephew and friends Wan Jun and Becky for dinner at my favorite grilled pork belly restaurant in Itaewon.

The samgyupsal did not disappoint. Washed it down with beer and soju of course.

After dinner I was feeling nostalgic for one of the oldest bars in Itaewon, the Grand Ole Opry.

It’s the diviest of dive bars and was surprisingly divier than it was on my last visit.

Now, it is no secret that I like to country dance, especially when my brain has been properly lubricated with copious amounts of beer and soju. Sadly, no one was dancing last night despite the place being busier than normal. I noticed Wan Jun buying drinks for the some folks at another table and thought that odd. Then he sent a second round over. And the next thing I knew one of the gals came over for a dance with me. Yep, he bribed a woman to dance with me. How pathetic must I be? Well, I have my pride, but I accepted the dance anyway and twirled her around the empty dance floor. It was fun for me. She left after that one dance.

The last time I danced at the Opry was with my Commie friend Choonae. Justin still had videos on his phone from that night which I linked above. She’s a great dancer and made me look much better than I am. Good times!

I was pretty much done by then anyway. Went back to the hotel where I could Rest in Peace.

Okay, so yeah, I did stop in at the Dairy Queen for a large strawberry sundae. Call the diet police, I don’t care! Also, somewhere along the way I managed to lose my room key and the Crown hotel charged me W10,000 to replace it. Well, I didn’t have much choice but to pay, did I? Up at 0530 this morning to beat the traffic and be home in time for my Saturday mountain climb.

Which I have now completed. Weather was warm and pleasant.

So that’s about it. I have a buyer for the car, the gas grill, and my inflatable bed. And 62 days to sell the remaining remnants of my Korea life.

It has been a strange week hearing from some past loves. But also gratifying. I’ve really learned a lot about love and life through them, and as painful as those experiences may have been, they were invaluable. And it was a comfort for me to know that I’m still thought about and perhaps even loved. To the one that matters most, I think that the love I never expressed until it was too late is at least now believed to have been real and coming from the heart. That means more to me than she’ll ever know.

The longer I live the more I believe
You do have to give if you wanna receive.
There’s a time to listen, a time to talk.
And you might have to crawl even after you walk.
Had sure things blow up in my face,
Seen the longshot win the race.
Been knocked down by the slammin’ door.
Picked myself up and came back for more.

Life’s a dance, you learn as you go.
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow.
Don’t worry ’bout what you don’t know,
life’s a dance, you learn as you go.