Life’s a rollercoaster ride sometimes. Lots of ups and downs and usually a thrill or two along the way. And sometimes a day in the life can feel like that too.

Nothing as nice to see as those, but here is the Relive anyway.

A trike delivered a little Joy to my place in the afternoon. I’m trying real hard to be accepting of the reality that is my life. I did away with the old FWB program because it felt exploitive and wrong somehow. But a couple of the former participants continue to contact me, desperate for the opportunity to earn some cash. So, it puts me in the position of either denying them outright, letting them come over, or just giving them the cash as a matter of charity. None of those options are especially satisfying–it seems I can either be a prick, a dick, or a sucker. Or a combination of all three. I guess there are worse problems to have.

We said our goodbyes after eating and I moseyed over to It Doesn’t Matter to ponder the circumstances that led to a melancholy outcome. My regulars weren’t around, so I drank alone. I’m okay with that. I didn’t find any answers at the bottom of my beer bottle, so I ordered up another one. That didn’t work either, but I’m no quitter, so I kept trying. Eventually, I realized that the mystery would remain unsolved so I paid my tab and left.

The next stop was BarCelona. My Facebook friend Samantha had advised that she was once again at work. I figured I would welcome her back with a lady drink or two and see if there was any comfort to be found in her company. There was not. I feel sorry for her actually. A young widow who seems lost and showing symptoms of depression (she told me sometimes she just wants to stay in her room and cry all day). Well, I’m probably not going to be able to help her with that. It’s sad though.

Then the school teacher I’ve been exchanging messages with for the past month or so asked if we could meet up that night. This was surprising because I had not seen her in person since the night we were introduced. I was in no condition to do so last night. But what pissed me off was her caveat “will you see me or are you going to reject me again?” WTF? We had been chatting in the morning and in the early afternoon. Maybe if she had indicated then she was interested in joining me, I would have been receptive. Or maybe not. But damn, I don’t like ultimatums and that is what this felt like. So, I chose to “reject” her and I’m probably going to eject her from my life. She’s demonstrated that she is not a good fit for me. My bad mood was now foul. I said goodnight to Sam and headed out.

Where to next? I wasn’t in the mood for any of my regular haunts nor did I desire the company of a bargirl. Given those limited options I decided to visit Outback. It was more crowded than on my previous visits, but I spied an open seat on the far side of the bar. Except it wasn’t open, the floor in front of the chair had shoes and purses belonging to the bargirls. My bartender friend said something I didn’t quite hear but she also didn’t seem interested in having the space cleared. So, I said again “I can’t sit here” and she responded, “just take it home with you”. Alright then, I took that as a pretty clear indicator that my business wasn’t needed or wanted. So, I turned around, said goodbye, and walked out.

Granted, I might have handled the situation differently if I wasn’t already disgruntled. What I had hoped would be a safe space proved to be the opposite. At least I maintained my cool–didn’t shout, didn’t cuss, just left. I sent the bartender a message later though expressing my disappointment and reminding her that when I was the only customer during my last visit I had bought everyone a drink so they’d have at least some commission. She responded with an apology and that what she had said was meant to be a joke. I guess I just didn’t have a sense of humor. Anyway, I have no intention of going back. And in case you are wondering, yes, this is the bartender whose surgery I paid for a few months back. You’re welcome!

I finished out my night at Queen Victoria. Still didn’t want bargirl company, so I pretty much ignored my two regulars there. A Hasher came in a bit after I arrived and we had a nice chat at least. Once I had satiated my thirst I caught a trike home. Wasn’t even nine when I gave up the ghost and hit the sack.

But it is not all bad. Earlier that day I had been introduced online through a mutual friend to another schoolteacher working in Olongapo (a different school, thankfully). We hadn’t had a chance to get beyond the introductions, but we were connected through Facebook. I woke up early this morning (3 a.m.) and sent her a good morning message. She responded immediately. And then we engaged in one of the best chats ever. Both on messenger and in a video call. I was very impressed with her intelligence and ability to articulate some pretty profound viewpoints. One example: she asked me which vaxx I had received. I told her I wasn’t vaccinated. She let out a whoop and said neither had she! Got to say, that’s a pretty brave stance for a school teacher here in the Philippines to take. She and some other like-minded teachers have lawyered up and are fighting for their freedom. Anyway, suffice to say her stance on the whole scamdemic pretty much parallels mine. I like that. Oh, and she told me she likes Trump. What a gal, huh?

Anyway, she’s older (mid to late 40s with three kids in their early 20s), a college-educated professional, has a good sense of humor, speaks good English, and is a great conversationalist. Just the type some of you commenters said I should be looking for! Too soon to know if she is a potential soul mate, but damn, we are definitely kindred spirits. Looking forward to meeting her in person one day soon and seeing if there is a spark. At the very least though I feel like I’ve made a great new friend. Oh, her name is Grace.

It’s interesting how things go sometimes. Double-checking to make sure this post title was unique, I came across something I had written on New Year’s Day in 2012 called “Into the Great Wide Open”. In that post, I asked the question: If by some magic you could be shown your future life, would you want to view it? I had to smile at my musings from ten years ago and think of them in terms of my current life:

And today I wondered what would the me of back then have thought upon seeing the me of today mailing a letter of such importance and yet its contents were beyond my wildest imaginings just a few short years ago.   I hope I would have laughed at the absurdity of it all.

Despite all the hopes and dreams and best-laid plans, we are after all destined to live in the moment.  I never envisioned this life that I’ve lived turning out as it did.  The detours and heartbreaks and disappointments all inevitably led me back to this place, but changed me almost completely from who that man looking down from the window way back then.  And I don’t just mean those extra pounds around my belly.  All those experiences that I never planned for, dreamed about, or even knew that I desired have not necessarily made me better, and I certainly hope not worse.  But this is who I have become, and I am glad for it.

It’s funny. Everything has changed since then (the letter was for Jee Yeun’s fiancee visa). Still, I could pose the same question to that me in 2012. This life I’m living was unimaginable back then. And yet, it may be the best life ever. It’s definitely the best life I have.

An interesting turn of events that may or may not prove to be significant. It actually began Monday evening when I was still at the Hash. I checked my Facebook and had a friend request from one of the Wednesday/Friday group hikers I’m acquainted with. I mentally shrugged, added her as a friend, and didn’t think anything more about it. Then I got this message:

Hi John. It’s Susan. Wife of Sam. Your hiking buddy. I have a friend here right now. I want you to meet her. She’s very pretty.

She will go hiking with us sometimes. She will be here on friday thru Sunday. I told her that you’re a nice and giving person. She like that. She wants to meet you and hang out with you.

Well, sounds good so far, right? The thing is, it turns out she wanted to meet up that night. By the time I found that out I was already home after a sweaty Hash hike and more than my share of beers. Susan sent me this photo of her friend to try and further entice me:

But as I said, I was in no condition to meet up that night. I did get her Facebook name and sent her a friend request. She accepted and told me she was playing pool at BarCelona while waiting for me. I broke the news that I wouldn’t be making it that night. She said we could meet the next day then. I asked her where she was staying and she told me she didn’t have a place yet. I suggested a couple of inexpensive nearby motels, wished her a good night and went to bed.

For some inexplicable reason, I woke up at 3:00 a.m. and couldn’t go back to sleep. So, I fired up the laptop and noticed the new girl was online. I shrugged it off and went about my business, then I got a message from her. I asked her where she was and she told me she was waiting for a Jeepney to Olongapo. WTF? “You didn’t get a room?” She said no, she had stayed at BarCelona until they closed. I asked what are you going to do in Olongapo at three in the morning? She didn’t know, she would just wait for me.

Okay, this was a little crazy, but I didn’t know what else to do but invite her over. At least she’d be safe here. She told me her phone battery was almost empty. I sent directions to my house and waited for her to arrive. And waited. Finally, I hear the sound of a trike approaching on the road behind my house. And then when it got to the new construction, it stopped and turned around. I figured it was her, so I shouted “where are you going?” The trike stopped again, someone got out, and the trike left. I went out front and a few minutes later a pretty young woman walked up and introduced herself “I’m Lane.” Nice to finally meet you!

As you might imagine, she was quite exhausted. I gave her a pillow and she snoozed on the couch for a while.

Tuesday is my grocery shopping day, so Lane couldn’t sleep long. I made her a nice breakfast and she come along for the trip to Royal. She seemed to get along well with my helper and my driver, that’s always nice to see. I asked if there was anything she needed at the store and she said no.

When we got back home, we were both ready for more sleep. Me being me, I tried to entice her into lovemaking, but she gently rebuffed my advances. So, we cuddled up and slept in each other’s arms. I like that too. I got up after an hour or so, she slept for three. When she woke up, I took her out to Mango’s for a late lunch/early dinner.

After our meal, I put her in a Jeepney and she headed into Olongapo to catch the bus back home to Angeles City. She wants to come back and join me for a Hash one day soon. We shall see what the future brings.

…on another meaningless weekend. Hell, when you are retired even the word “weekend” is meaningless. Here’s are some scenes from my Sunday:

I got bored sitting around the house waiting for beer o’clock to roll around. At 3:00 p.m. I finally convinced myself that since it was Sunday it was perfectly acceptable to start a little early. How could I argue with logic like that? My original intent had been to start at the nearest bar to my house (not owned by my ex) and go from there. So, that would make Queen Victoria my first stop. But as I neared that venue I listened to the other voice in my head saying it was still too early and kept on walking. I figured the extra steps wouldn’t hurt anyway (I wound up with 18,000 for the day).

On the other side of town I reached John’s place and decided, what the hell, it’s a restaurant after all. More sound logic from a thirsty soul. Of course, I proceeded directly to the third-floor bar and plopped down on my usual seat overlooking the highway below. There was a pool league match taking place and I was surprised to see one of the female Hashers I know playing. It was nice to see a familiar face. The beer was cold and wet and I took in the view as I drank.

I found a break in the traffic and scurried across the highway, then made my way to Cheap Charlies.

After a couple of more beers, I decided to head on down the highway. There is a new bar called Sloppy Joe’s I wanted to check out. It’s tiny but has a nice outdoor seating area. Alas, the outside space was insufficient for me to comfortably join the other patrons already ensconced there. Another time, perhaps. I wound up ending my evening at the bar where I intended to begin–Queen Victoria.

The birthday girl I had met last Wednesday during dart league was there and seemed happy to see me. She goes by “Tin-Tin” in the bar, and without the distraction of darts, I got to know her a little better. Of course, I told her upfront that 21 was way too young for me. That didn’t seem to deter her at all. She was quite the touchy-feely type, which is fine, but I prefer it somewhere other than in public. After two beers, it was just past nine, which as you probably know, is my quitting time. As I was paying my tab, Tin-Tin came up with keys in hand offering me a ride home. Hmm. Well, I know she rides a scooter and I could tell she had been drinking, and I also suspected what she might have in mind at my place, so I thanked her and declined. I may be a fool but I ain’t stupid. Or at least I wasn’t this time.

And that was my Sunday evening entertainment. This is Hash Monday, so I have mostly been lazing around and surfing the ‘net all morning. Well, I did get an email from Google saying I was nearing maximum storage capacity and giving me the option to buy more space or delete some old emails and photos. I took the delete option, but I did look at some things to make sure I really didn’t want them. Glad I did because I found some pics from my first ever trip to the Philippines back in July 2008.

It was the day of the pool party I held with the bar girls I had met from Alaska Club in Angeles City. Hmm, looking up that link I see that most of the photos I “rescued” this morning I have posted on the blog. That post was written in 2017. What’s odd is that I didn’t do a blog post at the time of the visit in 2008. I’m guessing I was either still technically married to wife #3 or didn’t want my employer to know I was cavorting with prostitutes. Or both! Anyway, you can see the photos and the story of what led to the pool party at the link above. Here are some teasers:

You know, sometimes I wish I could go back in time. Even if I couldn’t change a thing. I’d just like to re-experience memories like these from the perspective of knowing I didn’t appreciate it as much as I should have at the time. I’m actually trying to do that in the present as well. When I start feeling down or disappointed, I remind myself that someday I’ll look back and this time of my life will seem wonderful. Enjoy it while you can!

…another door opens. Or so it has been said. I’d like to see the scientific data supporting that proposition though.

Anyway, on the way to do my grocery shopping yesterday, I had my driver drop my weekend guest off at the bus station so she could return to her life in Angeles City. She has subsequently been messaging things like she misses me and wants to come see me again. I haven’t been brutal in my responses, but I think I’ve made it clear those feelings are not mutual. Again, I think she is a good-hearted woman, just someone who is completely wrong for me. I made her cry her last night here with my bluntness, I wasn’t even angry, okay, maybe a tad rude and impatient, but nothing like my worst behavior. Anyway, trying to have a relationship with her would be a disaster for us both. Not sure what lessons I can take away from the experience, maybe something to do with selectivity.

I did share my insights on caring about someone who doesn’t care for you with “Jenny”. I told her I understood better how she must have felt with me trying to worm my way into her heart when she had no reciprocal feelings for me. She told me she was sorry I felt that way and that I misunderstood her. She said she thinks I’m a nice and caring man with a good sense of humor and that she enjoys my company. She just does not want to be in a relationship with a “white man” right now. Yeah, that’s how she put it. She explained that she has some personal goals she is working hard to achieve and it is important to her that she achieve them on her own. Having a white boyfriend would diminish whatever she accomplishes because people would assume I made it happen for her through financial support (all us foreigners are considered rich in the eyes of the Filipino community apparently). Whatever her reasons, I’m not gonna chase or beg for her time and attention. Maybe I’ll be here when she’s ready for a relationship, maybe I won’t.

I was surprised to hear from another former love of mine yesterday. Her engagement to a foreigner has ended (she didn’t say why, and I didn’t ask) and she inquired about me providing a work reference. I did and it appears she will indeed be hired. Happy about that. And yes, the thought did cross my mind about trying to rekindle that old flame. I’ve regretted maybe giving up too soon during our first go-round and with the benefit of hindsight and getting to know her better during our ensuing years of friendship, perhaps we could make a go of it this time. Way, way too soon for me to even consider acting on that possibility. I need to stand back and give her some space and time to make the transition back to singleness. I can think about it though and let my imagination run wild.

Played darts last night and got knocked out early. First time in a long time we’ve had enough players for a doubles tournament. I’m not going to blame my partner for our poor performance though. Wait a minute, yes I am! Not that I cared. The blessing of an early defeat was that I had more time to do a bar crawl. I started at BarCelona and visited my new favorite waitress there, Samantha. Her only off-day is Wednesday and since my Wednesdays are whacked with hiking and dart league, I’m not sure what we are going to do to get to know one another better. We talked about doing a hike and perhaps we will next week. She works too late (midnight or later) to get together after quitting time. Maybe a lunch date prior to work would be possible. We’ll see.

After BarCelona, I dropped by The Green Room, hoping to see my friend Novi. She wasn’t around (I found out later she quit) so it was one beer and out for me.

Next stop was Alaska. I greeted the owner, Jerry, then took a seat. Three gals up on stage and not much else happening. Music is always good with Jerry as DJ though, so there was that. Still, no one I knew to talk to, so a couple of beers and I said my goodnight.

It was nearly my bedtime (9 p.m.) but I decided to have one more for the road so I headed down to Queen Victoria.

Queen Vic had a live band and they sounded surprisingly good. Also, some pretty hot waitresses who looked very thirsty, but I just wasn’t in the mood to engage. A couple of more beers and I called it a night.

Just before I went to bed, I got a message from the schoolteacher. I hadn’t heard from her in several days. As you may recall she got pissed because I didn’t respond to her messages fast enough. Anyway, I was too tired and drunk to deal with her last night. I’ll keep her in the queue notwithstanding some red flags she’s displayed.

That was my Tuesday. Did a nice hike this morning, and now it is time for dart league. I’m really tired, but I’ve got no choice, my teammates are relying on me. I’ve already announced that I’m not playing next season.

Finally, Facebook reminded me that today is the third anniversary of me acquiring my dog Lucky. Here’s how he looked when I brought him home that day:

It’s all good.

I was once again tasked with leading the Wednesday Walkers group hike yesterday. Honestly, it is challenging to think of a trail we all haven’t done recently. That’s one of the downsides of group hikes three days a week I suppose. I’m not familiar enough with the out-of-town areas to try and get that creative, so I settled on doing a beach walk to the old Navy base, then a climb up the Kalaklan ridgeline, and coming back down into Barretto. It had been over a year since I’d personally tried the beach walk and some things have changed. Twice we had to wade across small rivers where they emptied into the bay, and once we had to go into the water to get around a recently constructed fence. Other than that it was rather pleasant to see the beaches outside of Barretto. Then ridgeline is always a pain in the ass to climb, but we took the path that is easiest among difficult choices. All in, we did 8K and my hike mates seemed to have enjoyed it. Mission accomplished. Pictures later in this post.

The remainder of the day was also filled with fun and a dash of excitement. Well, maybe fun is an overstatement, but the hours got filled and that’s what it is all about, right? Started with our dart league match against Blue Butterfly bar. We won 12-1 but I wasn’t happy with my performance. I was involved in our one defeat and it is ridiculous how poorly I threw. I take full responsibility. We are playing the #1 team in the league next week and all of us are going to have to throw a hell of a lot better than we did yesterday.

“Jenny” didn’t show up to watch me play, which was disappointing. She was drinking with her neighbors at a resort hotel on Baloy and invited me to join in but after an afternoon of beers, I just wasn’t feeling it. No problem though, she joined me this morning for a very nice walk, then came over to my place for a burrito lunch. She really is a special woman, but we are taking things very slowly and that’s fine too.

Then I got a surprise message from Novi, a gal I had met last year when she worked at BarCelona. Actually, she quit the day after we met and although we remained Facebook friends, we never interacted. Last night she said she had started working again at a bar called The Green Room (located on the ground floor under BarCelona) and hoped I’d come to visit. Having nothing else to do, I popped in. It was good to see her again and I remembered why I had liked her that night I had met her long ago. We shared some drinks and laughs, and pizza. It was a good time. Oh, and she wants to go to the Hash on Monday. I guess we’ll see how serious she is about that soon enough.

One of my former friends with benefits wanted to come over this afternoon to give me a “massage”, but I told her I wasn’t interested. I’m really not wanting to get back in that mode where I pay for intimacy.

I previously agreed to meet with an acquaintance who wants to introduce me to her schoolteacher friend. I’m kind of regretting it now because I’m a little bit uncomfortable with the idea of crushing someone’s expectations. Yeah, I don’t currently have a girlfriend and unless this new woman (I’m not sure of her age, but her kids are grown) is an angel sent to rescue my lost soul and heal my broken heart, I’m probably going to take a pass. I made it clear in my message to her friend that this is a “meet, greet, and eat” event, nothing more.

I don’t know, maybe it’s good to have options. It’s hard to go all-in with Jenny when she’s been pretty adamant that she’s not willing yet to take the plunge with me. Still, I enjoy her company and don’t want to fuck up a budding friendship by getting distracted with other women.

Yeah, look at me. Suddenly, I’m seemingly popular with the ladies. I’m going to take it slow and easy and just wait to see what happens next.

To the Wednesday Walkers photos then:

Feel free to Relive it here:

All in all it was a good day. Better than most in fact. More about today, tomorrow.

I made a special meal for the special person who has chosen to depart from my life. It occurred to me that I had never demonstrated my grilling skills for her and I wanted to give a final culinary memory as my parting gift. I bought some steaks from John Kim at The Pub and had everything ready to go. The only question that remained was whether she would consent to dine with me. It didn’t look good at first but in the end, she agreed to join me for a last supper.

So, the meat, a baked potato, mixed vegetables, baked beans, and garlic bread. Overall, I’d rate it a B-. I prefer ribeyes, but these Angus cuts were tender and tasty. I got distracted in the house and when I came back to check the grill there was some flame broiling in progress. The fatty parts were blackened but no other real damage. I wasn’t happy with the potatoes though–my timing was off and they weren’t as soft as I like on the inside. She said she would have preferred the garlic bread a little toastier, but I always make it soft. Next time…oh wait, never mind. The veggies were good.

After she left I went into town and sat on the roof of BarCelona and tried to drown my sorrows.

Breakfast at Harley’s before my Friday group hike this morning.

And so it goes. A challenging hike this morning that I’ll post about tomorrow. Friday evening darts to come. And I expect I’ll quaff a few more beers than normal tonight to help ease the transition back into my solitary lifestyle.

I knew this day was coming. We agreed her chosen path was the right one to pursue and see where it leads. I wish her nothing but happiness. I’m going to miss her though. When it comes to love there is no such thing as a happy ending. But I have no regrets and I’m glad our ultimate parting was on friendly terms.

Good luck to you always, babe. Thanks for the memories.

The girlfriend packed her things this morning and left me. The fact that this ending was inevitable doesn’t make it any less painful. I love her but sometimes love just isn’t enough. And I had promised that when this day came I would support her decision. You can’t love someone and not do whatever it takes for her to be happy, even at the cost of your own happiness. We parted with a hug and a promise to hold on to the memory of the love we shared. That is a much better ending than the “fuck off” it could have been. I’m thankful for that.

And that is how this first day of the rest of my life began. I did a long hike with the Wednesday Walkers group this morning. That did help me clear my head a little. Next up is darts league. And after that, I expect I’ll find a comfortable place to sit and drink my pain away. Yep, time to embrace the meaninglessness and emptiness of my life without love once again. The best part of that is that no one can hurt me there.

Just a real quick update here before I head out for the Monday Hash run.

In a twisted kind of way the Dick’s attempt to undermine my relationship backfired biggly. My gal and I had a long conversation about where things stand and she showed a great deal of maturity in concluding that anything I may have done was in the past and has nothing to do with us. She said I’ve shown her the kind of man I am and she trusts her own judgment.

As we continued to talk, I was reminded of the generational gap issues some commenters here had warned me about. My gal told me that notwithstanding her love for me, she had goals in life she wanted to pursue. And at least one of those involves moving out of the country, perhaps returning to Japan. I was a little taken aback at first but then I realized that I could totally understand and relate. Hell, I was 50 years old when I left my friends, family, and comfortable life behind to move to Korea. That changed everything for me. I also thought of people in my past who put me on roads that I might not have otherwise traveled. Iris Breed, for example, convinced me to pursue a management career. KaraLynne Pope and her professor friends gave me the confidence to complete my college degree. I’m not saying there wasn’t some pain involved along the way, but looking back, I likely wouldn’t have been nearly as successful in life had I remained in my safe places.

My definition of love has not led to many successful relationships, but I was struck by my reaction to the news that I would likely lose my newly found relationship somewhere down the road. I told my gal that her happiness was what mattered the most to me, and I would support her pursuit of those goals, even if it meant that she would be taken away from me at some point in the future. I can’t be everything she wants and needs in life, but I can be supportive and loving wherever her life takes her. At my age, I pride myself on living one day at a time. At her age, she is right to dream about the future she most desires. I told her as long as we are together I will be happy to share my life. When the time comes for her to leave, I will love her and let her go.

Anyway, for a selfish man like me, that felt like a big step in the right direction.

Here are some photos from my morning on the beach.

Alright, there you have it. Maybe I’m living on borrowed time. But I’ll embrace each day as it comes and we will see what it brings. If and when the end comes, I may be sad, but I won’t be hurt. This is my time to give, just as so many others have given to me throughout my life.

Well I’m lonely now but my heart is free
I enjoy a beer and watch a tree,
I can see a cloud and feel the breeze,
I can buy some bread and a bit of cheese.
And I know full well it is my right
To begin to live the rest of my life
--James Kavanaugh

Alright, what a wild ride these past few days have been. I’ll lay out the events as they transpired and then try and justify my actions, knowing full well that may be impossible.

Here goes: I mentioned in an earlier post that I encountered Dick while I was out drinking Thursday night at Queen Victoria. Well, encountered is probably not the right word for it. He came to the bar next to where I was sitting, ordered a beer, then sat down at a table behind me. He didn’t say anything to me. I could overhear part of the conversation from the other person sitting at Dick’s table. It was along the lines of “You need to go home. Let me help you get a trike.” Dick was not receptive. He finished his beer and left the bar. I could see as he walked out that he was very drunk.

I left the bar a little bit later. My friend’s place is almost across the street from Queen Victoria so I decided to discreetly walk past. Dick was face down at a table in the outdoor portion of resto. A guy I know named Ernie was sitting at the outside counter with a mom. When Ernie saw me he came out to the street to say hello and ask where I was going. I said I was heading home but would have a beer with him somewhere else if he wanted. So we went a block up the road to an outdoor stand near the 7/11. I asked how things were at the other place and he told me the owner wasn’t there but everything was cool. I asked if she and Dick were a couple now and he indicated that was his impression. Oh, well. Sorry for her. About this time we saw Dick stumble past on his way home.

I’d been drinking quite a bit myself so perhaps my judgment was impaired but I thought I’d have one last beer at the old place. Since Dick wasn’t there it shouldn’t be an issue. Ernie came with me. When we arrived a lady was seated outside with a couple of customers. She looked stunning in a red dress. I greeted her jokingly as a first-time customer, and she said welcome. Then sat back down at the counter with her back to me for the remainder of the visit. Alright, then. Time to go home.

When I got home I sent her a message apologizing for the intrusion. She responded that it was good to see me again. I took the bait and told her I’d been missing her and wanted to wish her the best. She said she missed me too. And then we continued chatting about the past and the events leading to our breakup. It seemed we had achieved a better understanding of our issues, but not to the extent of patching things up either. But it was all positive and I felt good about it.

We exchanged good mornings before I departed for my Friday hike, so the lines of communication appeared to have been reopened. Friday was a crazy day with the Hash leadership meeting almost immediately after the hike. After the meeting, I headed over to Alley Cats for the dart tourney. Before the tourney began I got a message from my friend Sean, saying he had some “intel” regarding a girl and Dick. I had previously confided in him that I wasn’t quite over for her yet. At the time he just shook his head and told me to find a new girl. Anyway, the tourney hadn’t started yet, so I bailed out and went to meet Sean at IDM. I was very interested in his “intel”. It seems he had had occasion to speak with both Dick and the girl (separately), and the bottom line was they were not a couple. Yeah, Dick wanted her still, but the girl wasn’t reciprocating. Hmm.

Later that evening I sent her a message and asked if I was welcome to visit her place. She responded that of course I was and she would be happy to see me there. Good to know. I briefly considered stopping by on my way home, but I’d been drinking since early afternoon, and I didn’t want to make my re-entrance into her life while drunk. She’s not keen on drinking to excess which is why I could never see her being in a happy relationship with Dick. I went home and went to bed.

Sometime during the night, I woke up with a weird feeling. I’m not going to lie, since the breakup with my ex she was usually the last thought before I slept and the first thought upon waking. But this was different. I felt like there had been a disconnection, like hanging up on the phone. I can’t really explain it more than that gut feeling.

When I was on the computer later that morning I got a notification that my ex had deleted a message. I went to check messenger and saw that she had deleted the ones about my being welcome at her business and that she would be happy to see me. I messaged her asking what were the reasons for the deletions. She responded, “I’m setting you free to live the life you want and to be whoever you want to be.” WTF? I was getting dizzy from this roller coaster ride. I guess she decided she didn’t want me in her life in any capacity after all. It stung, but what could I do about it? Her life, her call.

So, time for me to move on with my life, right? Ernie messaged me yesterday asking if I wanted to join him at a new beach bar on Baloy. Hell, yes! We agreed to meet up at 3:00. So, as I’m hoofing it to Baloy and walking past the 7/11 who do I see sitting outside her new, and as yet unopened, resto-bar. Yep, the ex in the flesh. I decided to say hello. She had her back to me as I approached and was sitting with her cousin who will be running the place. I asked if this was the grand opening, he responded “not yet”. Silence from her. Never once even made eye contact. Okay then. I said good luck and left.

When I got to the beach bar I sent her a message apologizing for the intrusion and promising to never bother her again. I also said that I had remained friends with all my ex-wives and was sorry she didn’t want to maintain a friendly relationship.

And then it happened. She let loose. Telling me that she still had feelings for me. She had let me go so I could find my happiness. I responded that I wanted to be happy with her. And she said that’s what she wanted to. Yep, we were back to professing our love for one another.

I invited her to the beach bar but she said another time would be better. Would I join her at her place later? Of course, I would. I was already five beers into my afternoon, so I caught a trike home to rest up/sober up some before meeting her. I headed out to her resto around 6:00. She hadn’t returned yet, so I sat at the outside table and waited. She arrived about 45 minutes later, and we briefly chatted, but in a bland, platonic way. I understood better than I had in our first go-round that that is how she is in work mode. No problem, if I’m going to make this work I’m going to need to be better at accepting her the way she is. I knew she would be coming home with me, what else do I need? And then Dick arrived.

If Dick was surprised to see me, he played it off pretty well. He set about repairing the bar stools (fighting some screws and bolts) which was certainly a helpful gesture. Afterward, he sat down at the table where Pearl and I were seated. She was in the middle, equidistant from us both. Dick can put the beers away, that’s for sure. I was intentionally drinking slowly but he was doing at least two for every one that I drank. I ordered up my old favorite, some honey chicken wings. my girl also had a quesadilla and chicken fingers brought to our table. I got drafted to be the DJ again and Dick and I had pleasant chats focused on different songs and artists.

And that’s how the night went on. And on. And on. Dick left for a while around 9:00. He was probably surprised that I was still there when he returned 30 minutes later. In my previous iteration, I’d have been home asleep by now. During his absence, she had moved closer to me and she stayed there when he returned. And then what I perceived as kind of a “Mexican standoff” ensued. I wasn’t leaving until Dick left, and he wasn’t going to leave me alone with the girl. That’s how it felt anyway. So, the hours trickled by. Other customers came and went. Around midnight my buds Ernie and Sean came in, and the party rocked on.

My girl had to stay until closing and I guess they remain open until the customers are all gone. Dick wound up about as drunk as he was when I’d seen him at Queen Victoria. Finally, around 1:30 the waitress announced the last call for alcohol. Dick stumbled out and my girl accompanied him to the trike stand, returning a few minutes later. I stood by while she and the help closed up shop. Then we caught a trike home to my place.

Some passion and some talk until the wee hours of the morning. She went home and we are planning to meet up again later today. My head is still spinning from this unexpected turn of events.

Alright. Everyone probably thinks I’m making a huge mistake. Perhaps time will prove them right. But how can I not at least take the chance to make this work? She’s like no one I’ve met before. I can learn to be more accommodating to her quirks and hopefully, she’ll be accepting of mine. Only one way to find out, and that’s to try and make it work this time.

What have a got to lose? I’m reminded of this John Greenleaf Whittier poem.

Maud Muller, on a summer's day,
Raked the meadows sweet with hay.

Beneath her torn hat glowed the wealth
Of simple beauty and rustic health.

Singing, she wrought, and her merry glee
The mock-bird echoed from his tree.

But, when she glanced to the far-off town,
White from its hill-slope looking down,


The sweet song died, and a vague unrest
And a nameless longing filled her breast--

A wish, that she hardly dared to own,
For something better than she had known.

The Judge rode slowly down the lane,
Smoothing his horse's chestnut mane.

He drew his bridle in the shade
Of the apple-trees, to greet the maid,


And ask a draught from the spring that flowed
Through the meadow across the road.

She stooped where the cool spring bubbled up,
And filled for him her small tin cup,

And blushed as she gave it, looking down
On her feet so bare, and her tattered gown.

"Thanks!" said the Judge, "a sweeter draught
From a fairer hand was never quaffed."

He spoke of the grass and flowers and trees,
Of the singing birds and the humming bees;

Then talked of the haying, and wondered whether
The cloud in the west would bring foul weather.

And Maud forgot her briar-torn gown,
And her graceful ankles bare and brown;

And listened, while a pleasant surprise
Looked from her long-lashed hazel eyes.

At last, like one who for delay
Seeks a vain excuse, he rode away,

Maud Muller looked and sighed: "Ah, me!
That I the Judge's bride might be!

"He would dress me up in silks so fine,
And praise and toast me at his wine.

"My father should wear a broadcloth coat;
My brother should sail a painted boat.

"I'd dress my mother so grand and gay,
And the baby should have a new toy each day.

"And I'd feed the hungry and clothe the poor,
And all should bless me who left our door."

The Judge looked back as he climbed the hill,
And saw Maud Muller standing still.

"A form more fair, a face more sweet,
Ne'er hath it been my lot to meet.

"And her modest answer and graceful air
Show her wise and good as she is fair.

"Would she were mine, and I to-day,
Like her, a harvester of hay:

"No doubtful balance of rights and wrongs,
Nor weary lawyers with endless tongues,

"But low of cattle, and song of birds,
And health, and quiet, and loving words."

But he thought of his sisters, proud and cold,
And his mother, vain of her rank and gold.

So, closing his heart, the Judge rode on,
And Maud was left in the field alone.

But the lawyers smiled that afternoon,
When he hummed in court an old love-tune;

And the young girl mused beside the well,
Till the rain on the unraked clover fell.

He wedded a wife of richest dower,
Who lived for fashion, as he for power.

Yet oft, in his marble hearth's bright glow,
He watched a picture come and go:


And sweet Maud Muller's hazel eyes
Looked out in their innocent surprise.

Oft when the wine in his glass was red,
He longed for the wayside well instead;

And closed his eyes on his garnished rooms,
To dream of meadows and clover-blooms.

And the proud man sighed, with a secret pain,
"Ah, that I were free again!


"Free as when I rode that day,
Where the barefoot maiden raked her hay."

She wedded a man unlearned and poor,
And many children played round her door.

But care and sorrow, and child-birth pain,
Left their traces on heart and brain.

And oft, when the summer sun shone hot
On the new-mown hay in the meadow lot,

And she heard the little spring brook fall
Over the roadside, through the wall,

In the shade of the apple-tree again
She saw a rider draw his rein,

And, gazing down with timid grace,
She felt his pleased eyes read her face.

Sometimes her narrow kitchen walls
Stretched away into stately halls;

The weary wheel to a spinnet turned,
The tallow candle an astral burned;

And for him who sat by the chimney lug,
Dozing and grumbling o'er pipe and mug,

A manly form at her side she saw,
And joy was duty and love was law.

Then she took up her burden of life again,
Saying only, "It might have been."

Alas for maiden, alas for Judge,
For rich repiner and household drudge!


God pity them both! and pity us all,
Who vainly the dreams of youth recall;

For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: "It might have been!"

Ah, well! for us all some sweet hope lies
Deeply buried from human eyes;

And, in the hereafter, angels may
Roll the stone from its grave away!

Yeah, I can hardly believe this is happening either. Call me a fool if you will, but I choose to make a stand for love. Even if it kills me in the end.

Pearl came out of the bedroom this morning carrying a bag full of the clothes she had left here. I knew at the moment she was leaving for good. I had to press her to get her to admit that fact though. As to the why, the best she could come up with was that I wasn’t happy with her. She wasn’t entirely wrong about that, but I wasn’t the one who was so willing to give up. Then again, I guess she has another option waiting in the wings.

Yesterday afternoon I went to Pearl’s place to see her. Of course, she was seated with Dick and his pals. That morning we had planned to spend some time together doing something unspecified–maybe some time at the beach or watching movies on TV. Pearl did come outside to join me but seemed distracted somehow. I asked her what she wanted to do and she didn’t have any suggestions. I asked about dinner, and she said where? I suggested Mango’s or somewhere on Baloy. She said let’s just get takeout and eat at your place.

And then it got kind of weird. She’s sitting right next to me but starts sending text messages. “You go first, I’ll meet you at your place”. I answered verbally, no, let’s go and order our food together and go home together. Another message that she wanted to leave separately. Well, I wasn’t going to fight about it then and there, but I knew this was a subject that required some serious discussion. I went to Mango’s and ordered pork chops and roast chicken for takeout. When the food was ready I texted her to meet me outside Mango’s (it’s only a block from her place). She told me to wait. So I waited. After several minutes, I texted back in frustration “where are you?”. No response. Fuck this, I walked back to her place. She was sitting outside alone. She said I ordered kebabs. Why? I’ve already got the food. About this time the kebabs came, she put them with the rest of the food and told me to go first and she would meet me at home. Whatever. I left.

I admit I was in a sour mood after she arrived. We ate in silence, then watched a movie on Netflix, and then went to bed. This morning she packed up and left me.

So, she says it’s because of my behavior as described above. Since I got angry with her it means I’m not happy in the relationship. Maybe she’s right and maybe I’m the one who should have left her. But I was willing to at least try and find a way to make it work. She wasn’t.

Isn’t that the story of my life?

One of the challenges of being in a relationship is that it throws all of your routines a little out of kilter. I feel like an old dog learning new tricks sometimes.

Wednesdays are already challenging. Had a nice, but tough, hike in the morning (photos to follow at the end of this post), then home to prepare for darts. No time for my usual nap. Then I hoofed it out to Baloy Beach where I participated in a disappointing 11-2 victory over our opponent from Johan’s. Why would I be disappointed in a lopsided win? Well, I played poorly against a weak team and one of those losses was on me. And we lost the beer round (team game) resulting in us providing a beer chit for our opponents rather than them buying one for us. No one wants to lose the beer round! Ever.

It was the first day on the new job at Hideaway bar for Joy and Jen, the former waitresses from Finger Monkeys. I wrote about their escape from their oppressive boss here. I had promised them I would come by and help them get started on the right foot with their new employer. So, after darts, I caught a trike to take me to the far side of Barretto. The bar wasn’t busy when I got there, but they said there was a large group that had just left. I bought them each a couple of lady drinks. Then Eric, another former customer of the wretched Finger Monkey bar, came in to join the celebration.

I needed to head out early because I knew Pearl would be waiting for me at her place. She was. I was going to take her out to eat, but we decided to just order off her menu. Man, I got some honey garlic chicken wings that were fantastic! Then Pearl wanted me to sing to her. At the karaoke joint next door. Wasn’t really in the mood, but how could I say no? I did okay on my old standards, Patsy Cline’s Crazy and the Bee Gees classic I Started A Joke. It was all downhill from there. Pearl didn’t object when I told her I’d had enough after a total of four or five songs.

It was a little after 9 p.m. and I was fading fast. Pearl wasn’t ready to leave her work yet, so I told her I’d leave the gate and door unlocked at my place if she wanted to join me later. I kept my phone by the bed just in case the upstairs neighbor locked the gate while I was sleeping. Around 11, my phone rings, and I hear Pearl say “I’m here”. I jump out of bed, go outside, open the gate (which was still unlocked), and no Pearl. WTF? I came back in and texted where are you? A few minutes later her mom pulls up and drops her off. I guess she had called me from the guard shack. Oh well, it worked out okay. We had a blissful sleep.

I got up at my usual 4:30, and Pearl joined me at 6:00 or so.

We had a mediocre breakfast at a local hotel, then I told her I needed to go to Subic to get some cash from the BPI ATM. Pearl lives on the far side of Subic and said she needed to get something at her place. I suggested we go about our business and meet up later, but she said she only needed a few minutes so I agreed to meet her at Waltermart. That’s about a twenty-minute walk from the ATM. I arrived and let her know I was there. No response. I walked around the parking lot. Over and over and over. Forty minutes later I get a message that she would be arriving soon and told me to wait inside the mall for her. So, I walked the mall for another 30 minutes until she finally arrived. I was a little perturbed and she apologized profusely, so I let it go. What else am I going to do about it?

She’s at her business now. I told her I needed to go home and shower. I also needed to have some time to do a post for the blog, but I didn’t mention that part. Keeping LTG a secret from her for now at least. Hey, this is where I go to vent, right? I’m baking some brownies to take to her food place and I’m also bringing some fruit salad. Yeah, I’m going to keep her waiting a while. It’s just the kind of guy I am.

The photos for our hike yesterday:

Alright, I’ve kept sweet Pearl waiting long enough. I’ll hike down to her food stand, then we will go hang out on Baloy Beach for the afternoon.

Ain’t love grand?

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away…

I can’t think of a better way to start the day than to wake up next to a sweet young brown-skinned woman. And that’s how I started mine! Then things took a turn for the better. Pearl wanted to know if I was going to do the Friday group hike and I asked if she had something else in mind. She did, suggesting we do our hike together in San Antonio, about 35K away in Zambales province.

Pearl said she knew of a resort there with hiking trails and she had always wanted to see what it was like. Sounds like a plan! We walked the dogs together, then headed down to the highway. Pearl didn’t have her hiking shoes with her, so she called her mother and asked her to meet us at Waltermart in Subic town. We caught a Jeepney and were on our way. Once she had her shoes we went back out on the highway to catch a bus. The way it works here is you stand on the side of the road and when you see a bus coming you wave it down. Provided there are seats available, the driver will pull over and pick you up. We didn’t have to wait long before we were aboard a nice air-conditioned bus destined to pass through San Antonio. Fare was 40 pesos each.

Because of traffic and frequent stops to pick up passengers, it took us about 45 minutes to reach our destination city. I’d been here a couple of times but was clueless as to where to go next. Luckily, Pearl knew her way around a lot better than me. We hailed a trike and Pearl asked the driver to take us to a restaurant she liked for breakfast. It seemed like we did a lot of driving around on backstreets before pulling up to a building with a “closed” sign on the door. Oh well. Pearl said we could eat at the resort, so off we went. It was a pretty good way out of town, but then things started looking oddly familiar. We were on the road to Pundaquit, an area where we had done a couple of Hashes back in the good ol’ days. We crossed the rickety old river bridge I remembered and shortly thereafter arrived at the Stonehill Farm and Resort.

Once we were back down and had exited the resort, we stood on the road and waited for an empty trike to pass by. I decided to start walking towards Pundaquit (poon-dock-it) to get my bearings straight. Soon enough I saw the road to Monty’s resort where we had done the Hash a couple of years ago. I knew there was a bar/restaurant I liked not much further away and then a trike arrived so we had him take us. “To the Gas Station”, I announced, and off we went. We kept going and going and I’m thinking, damn, I don’t remember it being this far. Finally, the trike pulled over and stopped at an abandoned gas station. I said, “no, no. This is not where I meant. The Gas Station is a restaurant!” He shook his head and shrugged. “Never mind, just take us back to San Antonio.” As we were driving I remembered a key detail–it’s not called The Gas Station. The name is Car Wash. Once I said those magic words the driver immediately knew what I was talking about.

After lunch, we caught a trike back to San Antonio and a bus pulled up almost immediately after we arrived. This one wasn’t airconditioned but it was breezy and comfortable. I got home in plenty of time to shower up and head out to the darts tourney.

Today has not been nearly as nice. But I’ll worry about that tomorrow.

I don’t know what the hell is going on but I’ve just about had enough, thank you very much. Yesterday morning my right foot big toe was hurting like hell, enough to wake me up early and make walking the dog unpleasant. Closer inspection revealed that the bitchy pedicurist had cut the nail way too short and an ingrown toenail was the result. I silently prayed for the Lord to make me forget about the toe pain and my prayers were answered. Later that morning when I got up out of my chair it felt like someone had stabbed me in the back. No idea where that came from, I didn’t slip, trip, or fall. I took some aspirin and went about my day, albeit uncomfortably. My back feels fine when I am sitting or laying down. Getting into those positions, or anything that involves bending over is borderline excruciating. It’s a dull pain when I stand or walk, which is at least bearable.

So, as you saw in the previous post, I did my bar review at Voodoo. Then I tried to dull the pain with more beers at It Doesn’t Matter. That didn’t work, so I figured a good back rub from my favorite at Cheap Charlies might do the trick. It did feel great and seemed to help. Until I walked down the stairs to head home. I popped into her place on the way to say goodnight and wound up confirming a “date” to go hiking this morning and have lunch afterward.

It was a painful night getting up to pee as often as I do. When I rolled out of bed at 0400 I was glad to see Buddy at least was sleeping peacefully.

After the morning dog walk, I knew I was in no condition to do the planned hike.

When I got back home I sent her a message saying I couldn’t walk but lunch was still a go if she were up for it. She was. So, I plopped some pork chops and cream of mushroom soup in the crockpot and awaited her arrival.

She is a real sweetheart. She brought along some remedies for my aching back.

I had everything for lunch just about ready to go when she arrived. Put it on a plate and served it up.

After we ate, we retreated to the bedroom where Pearl used her magic hands to rub my back and spread the medications around. One of them, I think it was the menthol, almost felt like it was burning me, but in a weird way, it also felt good. After the treatment, we cuddled and kissed and decided to take our relationship to the next level. Yep, here I go again. Wish me luck!

Later in the afternoon, She needed to return to her place of business. I walked with her there and felt less pain than I had on my morning walk. I also brought along some of the brownies I had made for dessert to share with her workers. Had a couple of beers while I was there and enjoyed spending a little more time with her.

I know better than to speculate too much on what lies ahead. Que sera, sera, and all that. I’ll be happy if my back has improved enough to do the Hash run tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

Well, I'm a-running down the road
Tryin' to loosen my load
I've got seven women on my mind
Four that wanna own me
Two that wanna stone me
One says she's a friend of mine

Another day in the life yesterday, with a couple of unusual twists and turns. Here’s the recap:

I visited my dentist, Dr. Barrera, to see if he could re-insert my crown. We both had our doubts, but he did his magic with the glue and the crown is back where it belongs. For now anyway. He said it is likely that I’ll need to construct a new crown if and when this one falls off again. He also told me I’m long overdue for a cleaning. He might be right, I don’t think I’ve had one since moving here.

After the dentist, I crossed the highway in search of a salon that could give me a foot spa and pedicure. Found one, and was serviced by an obese woman who was as unfriendly as she was fat. Oh well, I got what I needed even if it wasn’t a pleasant experience.

My plan was to do a bar review of Voodoo, but since it was only 4:30 I figured I’d kill a little time right around the corner at It Doesn’t Matter. While enjoying my first beer of the day in the friendly company of Roan, I checked my phone and saw a post indicating it was P’s birthday. She’s the cutie I met on a Wednesday walk and wrote about most recently here. The birthday was being celebrated at a food stand she recently opened (yeah, the irony, I know) up the highway a kilometer or so. It seemed weird to go without a gift, so I finished my beer and crossed the street to the 7/11. I didn’t want to buy cheap convenience store chocolate but I recalled the ease of gift-giving in my Korean days.

So, I put a 1000 peso note inside, wrote a birthday greeting on outside, and headed for her as yet unnamed food place. She seemed genuinely happy to see me and was touched by mygift. She lived in Japan for a number of years and I asked if the gift envelope was also done there. She said “sometimes”. Anyway, it is the thought that counts.

I stayed long enough for a couple of beers and some chicken fingers. We talked some and she pretty much told me straight out that she was interested in giving me a try. Wow, wasn’t really expecting that. I went as far as inviting her to hike with me on Sunday and she agreed, provided I cook for her afterward. So, I think we have a deal. She also surprised me by showing up for today’s group hike even though she had planned to work. It seems she is serious. I might be too because those old feelings of fear are returning. Stay tuned.

So, it seems that the Gods might be calling my bluff about wanting a woman to love. Do I have seven on my mind yet? Let’s see:

1. P
2. Joy (the 23-year-old)
3. Reggie (the 43-year-old)
4. Maricel (a girl I haven’t met yet, but am supposed to meet for lunch tomorrow)
5. Roan (the sweet IDM waitress)
6. MJ (my massuse)
7. Alma (the Muslim girl from Cheap Charlies)

Well, if I’m fit to be tied to one gal, P feels like the best fit so far. I’m just going to take things slowly and try to get it right this time. Whatever right is.

Well, I'm running down the road
Trying to loosen my load
Got a world of trouble on my mind
Lookin' for a lover
Who won't blow my cover
She's so hard to find

Take it easy, take it easy
Don't let the sound of your own wheels make you crazy
Come on, baby
Don't say "Maybe"
I gotta know
If your sweet love
Is gonna save me

If I had been born a woman I would certainly have been a prostitute. Since I had been born a man I craved women constantly, the lower the better. And yet women—good women—frightened me because they eventually wanted your soul, and what was left of mine I wanted to keep. Basically I craved prostitutes, base women, because they were deadly hard and made no personal demands. Nothing was lost when they left. Yet at the same time I yearned for a gentle, good woman, despite the overwhelming price. Either way I was lost. A strong man would give up both. I wasn’t strong. So I continued to struggle with women, the idea of women.

Charles Bukowski

I’ve been thinking some about this life of mine. Yeah, that can definitely be dangerous. I’m lucky in many ways, and mostly content with the path I’ve chosen. I usually just immerse myself in my routines and live in the moment. What else am I going to do? But then something happens that gets me wondering about those things I might be missing out on, and my peace of mind is challenged by the dreaded “what ifs?”.

Yesterday was a typical day in most ways–the Friday hike, a darts tourney, and lots of beer. But I was also preoccupied with thoughts of “is that all there is?”. In a rare moment of self-awareness, I had to admit that as much as I enjoy my life here, I am, in fact, a lonely man. And yeah, I can usually chase away those blues by remembering all the women over the years who taught me the hard lesson that there are worse things than being alone. Some of those wounds have never healed, and my band-aids like the FWB program and bargirl company serve to distract me from the residual pain that comes from wanting what you can’t have. And then something (or someone) triggers me to ask “why can’t I try again?”. Well, the sad answer to that is because I’m a coward.

So, what triggered all this introspection? A combination of things I suppose. I had an early morning chat with Pearl, that gal I met on a hike with the Wednesday Walkers a few weeks back.

Although we had exchanged some messages periodically, yesterday was a lengthy and in-depth conversation. I enjoyed the hell out of it and it got my mind going down that road of “why can’t I have something like this in my life all the time?” Well, there’s that boyfriend thing, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be with Pearl. There must be other women out there who check all my boxes.

Then there was Facebook reminding me of the happy times I spent with my last Korean girlfriend, Eun Oke.

And then we have the four-year anniversary of my proclamation of love for Loraine and her breaking my heart only twenty-four hours later. A record-shattering event I wrote about in a post appropriately entitled “FUCK ME!“.

So, I had lots to think about during the hike yesterday. Last year I made a couple of ill-fated attempts to have a loving relationship. Regular readers may remember Jessa and Iline. Both of them have found new loves and I am happy for them. I have some regrets about losing Jessa and I’m very thankful to have dodged a bullet with Iline. And so it goes.

During the hike, I saw something that may have been a message from God concerning my so-called love life:

But hope springs eternal and you never know what is going to happen next. Near the end of the dart tournament last night I was surprised to see Pearl and a girlfriend come into the bar. I got them a seat near me a bought them both a drink. We had a nice chat, then I had to play a match. I’m not blaming being distracted by the beautiful gal watching me play for my loss. I didn’t care anyway. They had to leave shortly thereafter, but Pearl promised to come out for another tourney soon. She used to play some in Japan and I’m hoping to get her interested in playing again. We’ll see.

Shortly after Pearl and her friend left Alley Cats, I got a message from Joy at Marick’s asking me to come visit. The bar is relocating and it was the last night they’d be open for a couple of weeks. How could I say no?

I went home drunk and conflicted and today I’m sober and conflicted. I’ll fix the first part of that equation later on when I do my next bar review. Had another nice chat with Pearl and was happy when she said she enjoyed watching me play darts last night and that my attempts at drunken humor didn’t offend her at all. I sent her this quote I like from Richard Bach:

“Like attracts like. Just be who you are, calm and clear and bright. Automatically, as we shine who we are, asking ourselves every minute is this what I really want to do, doing it only when we answer yes, automatically that turns away those who have nothing to learn from who we are,and attracts those who do, and from whom we have to learn, as well.”

I guess I’ve laid down the gauntlet now. We’ll see what happens next.