Highlights from the previous 24 hours, such as they are.

Did a bit of a bar crawl last evening. Started out in the newest joint in town called The Green Room. The latest addition to Dave Fisher’s empire known as The Maze. The Green Room is a bit different in that it is a sports bar format–no stage, no dancing girls. I did get a nice back massage while I was sitting there though. Also had a good chat with Dave.

Moved up the street to Hot Zone and enjoyed a couple of beers with the owner, Jay. Not busy but a couple of cuties on stage. Part of the rules allowing bars to reopen include purchasing food, so I bought some kind of meat on a stick and gave them to the girls. One other customer in the place and Jay invited him to our table. Turns out he’s the Captain of some massive yacht anchored in Subic Bay. Interesting guy.

Then I moved on down to my regular haunt, Mangos. I got there later than normal so it was dark and the beach was deserted. I ordered up a salad with chicken strips and ranch dressing. It was pretty good. A couple of beers and headed for home. It was raining so I took a trike. And thanks to the curfew, I was in bed by 9 p.m.

Early to bed and early to rise, wise or not, I was up at 4:30 and feeling healthy. Turns out Iline is also an early riser and we got to chatting. I invited her over and she agreed to come see me, telling me she would run from her place (around 2K or so). I was a little concerned about her running in the dark but she said she does it all the time. I finally convinced her to wait until 5:30 when the sun was rising. And then she arrived by trike because it had started to rain. Oh well.

So, we had some coffee and chat, I fed the dogs and she joined me when I walked Buddy (Lucky opted not to come). Iline told me about her workout routines which start with 300 jumping jacks! It reminded me a little of when I did some exercising so I dug out my elastic bands and abdomen wheel and we fooled around with that for a bit. I may be inspired to start up again although I’m never going to be in Iline’s league. That girl is fit!

The rain had quit so I took Iline on one of my regular hikes, mostly flat and around 7K. That was, of course, nothing to her but we did have some good convo and I really enjoyed having her company as we walked.

Oh, and here’s the postmortem on Mary. We were supposed to have gotten together yesterday. In fact, she was planning to spend the night. I put a kibosh on that idea but she was persistent. Even telling me all the things she would do for me in the bedroom. I briefly toyed with the idea of fucking her hard and then fucking her over by sending her home, but it just wasn’t worth it. No point in being vindictive to the little scammer. She was back at it this morning wanting to come over, messaging and calling (which I didn’t answer). Her last message was “are you busy?”. I responded “Yes, busy moving on with my life. You should too.” That seemed to do the trick as I haven’t heard from her since.

And that my friends brings you pretty much up to date. I’m planning to go to Olongapo with Iline tomorrow for some much needed shopping. My hiking shoes are shot, my underwear needs replacing, and I could use some more socks. Exciting times here for me. No idea what the future holds but I’m in a “bring it on, bitch!” mode these days. That’s a nice change.

On the menu for today: A couple of quick updates for my faithful followers and then a slew of photos from yesterday’s hike. Let’s get to it!

I didn’t hear from Mary before falling asleep last night, but this morning I woke to a message asking me to buy her a laptop so she could enroll in school. Hmm, where have I heard that before? Anyway, I sent a message telling her she might be in luck because I had just ordered a new computer for me and perhaps we could work something out for her to acquire my old one. She responded that she can’t enroll in school now because she doesn’t have tuition money. Would I be willing to help with that? I reminded her that she has been unwilling to do anything for me in return for my generosity. I haven’t heard anything from her since then. It’s kind of funny seeing how she operates. It’s all about the cash. Once I insisted on paying for the MRI with my credit card, suddenly it was never mentioned again. When I potentially offered a used laptop, she suddenly decided that it was the tuition she required. And yet, when I hint at a quid pro quo she seems to lose all interest in the transaction. Anyway, it’s all kind of amusing now that I’m on to her, especially since she doesn’t know it!

My big news is that I’m going to have a guest for lunch today–my friend Ilene (the one who tipped me off about Mary). Out of the blue, she suggested we get together, something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. Ilene has a boyfriend back in Canada so I asked her about the basis of our meetup–a date or a friendly get-together. She responded just two good friends hanging out. Oh well, should be fun anyway. Grilled steak, baked potato, mixed veggies, and cornbread are on the menu, with brownies and ice cream for dessert. I’m hoping to make a good impression!

That concludes the update portion of this post.

I had a couple of kilometers to hike to reach our meet-up location. And as I passed by Columban College, a Catholic school, I noticed this sign:

Anyway, it was one of our better hikes. Slick and steep in places, but no crashes or fuckups (not counting Mary of course). I’d call that a pretty good day.

Alright, time for me to get cooking! I don’t want to disappoint Ilene.

Here’s the latest installment in my so-called (dating) life.

Yesterday Mary and I had agreed to meet up for a few hours. She had first suggested 10:00 a.m. but I told her I wouldn’t be done with my weekly grocery shopping by then. I messaged her later that we could get together around 11. At first, I thought I’d just meet her at the mall near where she lives but then decided I didn’t feel like doing that. So, I figured I’d have my driver swing by to get her and we’d all go home together. When I reached her again she said she couldn’t leave until 2:00. Oh well, then. Meet me in Barretto.

As two o’clock approached Mary messaged me again to say she couldn’t come until 3:00. Now, I already knew she had to leave by 7:00 so I just told her never mind, it wasn’t worth the trip. She insisted she still wanted to come and I didn’t really have any other plans, so why not? Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t really blaming Mary. She’s a single mother with a disabled three-year-old son. So the only time she can get out of the house is when her Ate (Aunt) is there to babysit. This is why Mary had to leave at 7:00 in the first place; her Ate had plans.

So, I’m waiting at the 7/11 on the corner for Mary’s arrival at 3:00. Granted, traffic was bad in Barretto but when she still was not there at 3:20 I was getting frustrated. So I took the opportunity to practice having patience and within a few minutes she had arrived. Yay! Now, I had ordered some fresh strawberries from my friend Ilene and I needed to pick them up from her at Treasure Island where she works. I loaded Mary in a trike and we headed out to Baloy Beach. We sat down at the T.I. outdoor bar and Ilene, who works in reception, promptly delivered the berries. I asked Mary if she had ever been to T.I. before and she said no. So I suggested we have dinner and enjoy the beachside/poolside ambiance. Mary ordered ramyun and I went with the sweet and sour chicken. We both pronounced our meals delicious.

We still had a couple of hours to fill so we caught a trike back to my place. Some small talk at the kitchen table but then I got hungry for something else so invited Mary upstairs. We talked some more, about her possibly returning to school and about her son’s medical issues. Mary said he needs an MRI, but the cost is 15,000 pesos ($300.). Me, being me, said I would consider helping her with that. That pleased her. But it became clear she was not interested in pleasing me. Again. Mary asked me if I was mad and I honestly told her I wasn’t. Disappointed and frustrated, but not mad. I also told her that I had no interest in a sexual relationship if she did not share that interest. As I walked her back to the Jeepney stand she told me she was sorry and blamed it on her inexperience. Mary says I’m her first foreigner and the only other man she’s been with was her son’s father. She promised to be better when we meet for an overnighter on Friday.

And that’s where we left things. She drove off in the Jeepney and I headed to Mango’s for some beers. A bit later Mary sent me a message saying “I think I fall in love with you. I don’t know how to explain my feeling.” I responded, “actions speak louder than words.” And then we said our goodnights.

A bit later, I sent a message to Ilene thanking her again for the strawberries. Ilene congratulated me on my new love life. I told her that Mary is very young and then told the story of how I met her. Ilene responded, “I know her”. What? Ilene related that Mary had come to Treasure Island before with a customer who was courting her. His name is also John. And Ilene said it was the same story “I’m looking for a job”. She told me to be careful because “that girl is a liar”. Apparently Mary did a disappearing act on the other John after a few days.

Hmm. So, it would appear that Mary lied about never having been to T.I., lied about never having had a foreigner before, and who knows what else. I wonder if she even has a son, disabled or not.

I was pretty much blown away by these revelations. I mean I had kept my guard up and was monitoring the red flags, but that almost the entire story Mary had fed me was bullshit was hard to get my head around. And it still doesn’t make sense. I mean, if she hadn’t been so reluctant to fuck me, maybe she could have sucked me into whatever her ultimate scam might have been. Why lie and then not go all in?

Ilene gave me comforting words, told me what a great guy I am and any woman would be lucky to have me. I reminded her that she was the woman I had wanted for a long time, but she was never available when I was and vice-versa. Ilene agreed and promised to let me know if her situation ever changed.

I decided not to confront Mary with my new-found information last night. And I had my hike this morning. When I checked my messages later, there was one from Mary saying her son was scheduled for an MRI on Friday, and was I still willing to help? I decided to play along and told her of course, just let me know what time and I’ll come to the hospital (Baypointe) and pay with my credit card. She said she’d get back to me. Later she messaged that she had talked to the cashier and they wouldn’t accept a credit card. I responded that when I got my treatment at Baypointe I paid with a credit card. I told her I’d go to the hospital with her and get it all straightened out. After a bit, she came back and said the MRI was moved to Monday. I told her I could meet her there Monday morning before the Hash. Her last message was “thanks, I’ll let you know”. I don’t know if I’ll hear from her again or not. She must know I’ve called her bluff. Neither of us has canceled Friday’s date at this point yet either. I’m still thinking about a scenario where I’d fuck her good and hard and then confront her with my knowledge of her deceit. It’s a nice fantasy at least.

But wait, there’s more! Well, actually I’m going to save that until I know more about what more is. Don’t worry, it’s not about Mary.

Bottom line, I’m glad I found out but I’m disappointed in myself for not seeing through the bullshit. Mary is a convincing liar, that’s for sure. You’d think a man of my age and experience would have figured that out. Then again, when you consider my history with women it is not so surprising after all.

What a life!

I used to be indecisive. Now I don’t know.

So, I had quite an interesting finish to my otherwise disappointing day yesterday. I had been out drowning my sorrows, starting at Cheap Charlies then finishing up at Mango’s where I enjoyed views like this:

And on the walk back to my house I encountered an attractive young woman on the highway. That in and of itself is not so unusual I suppose, but for some reason, I greeted this one and she responded cheerfully. After this very brief exchange, I crossed the highway and continued homeward. And the next thing I knew, he was walking a few steps ahead of me! Well, I was full of beer courage and she was so damn sexy from behind that I couldn’t resist uttering a “sweet!” loud enough for her to hear. Then she stopped, turned around, and came back to me asking what I’d said.

I repeated that she looked sweet and sexy as she walked in front of me. She smiled and thanked me. Then I asked her if she was following me? She denied it and told me she was looking for a job. I took that as a hint and said I might be interested in hiring her for the night. And then we negotiated a price, or more precisely, she accepted my offer, and we caught a trike to my house. Now, it is very unusual to find freelance prostitutes walking the streets of Barretto. And this is the first I’ve ever engaged the services of one. But there was just something different about this one, who told me her name was Mary.

When we arrived home, I introduced Mary to my dogs and asked if she’d like something to drink. She told me she didn’t drink alcohol, so I got her a coke and I opened a beer for myself. She responded affirmatively when I asked if she was hungry so I made her a tuna sandwich. And then we had a nice conversation. My first surprise was that she is only 20 years old! That’s much younger than my preferred range of 30-50. Then Mary told me that she has one child, a boy of three who suffers from cerebral palsy. She got choked up when she told me that she had agreed to come with me because she needed money for his medicine.

The more we talked the clearer it became to me that she wasn’t a prostitute at all. Mary lives in Olongapo and had come to Barretto hoping to find work as a waitress. When I encountered her on the street she had just left an unsuccessful effort at Thumbstar bar. I was very much touched by both her innocence and her sweetness. She is definitely not cut out for work in a bar. She heard my helper upstairs and when I explained who she was, Mary asked if I would hire her too. I honestly told her I didn’t need another helper (I actually have two).

Mary had finished eating and it was getting late. I was tired, drunk, and horny so I took her upstairs to the bedroom. And there I was in for another surprise! No, she doesn’t have a penis. Geez. Mary was very shy and didn’t seem at all interested in fooling around. She didn’t even want to get undressed until I gave her a t-shirt to wear, and she removed her shorts and shirt from underneath it. When she finally laid down I began tenderly rubbing her body. When I got “down there”, Mary gently pushed my hand away and matter of factly said, “thank you for respecting me”.

What the hell? It looked like my day of disappointment was going to end in frustration. But there was something different about Mary. I never want a woman to feel obligated to have sex with me, even if I am paying for it. Prostitutes are usually good at pretending but I was now more convinced than ever that Mary had no understanding what I had “hired” her to do for me. Very odd indeed, but nothing to be done about it so I rolled over and went to sleep. I tried to get frisky again once during the night, but she again gently but firmly rejected my advances. Sleep was my best and only option and so I took it.

I awoke early in the morning (4 a.m. is early even for me!) and began to get dressed. She woke up as well and dressed herself, again under the t-shirt. I asked if she wanted breakfast, she nodded, and I went downstairs to make up some bacon, eggs, and toast. She joined me in the kitchen and watched, seemingly fascinated to see a man who could cook. Then we sat at the table to eat and talked some more.

Mary told me I was the first foreigner she had ever been with and she was glad I turned about to be a nice one. I asked her about her apparent lack of interest in sex and she responded that she never has sex the first time she meets someone. For some reason, I believe her and the whole transaction the night before had been based on a colossal misunderstanding. Mary talked about her struggles with her crippled child and paying the rent. She asked if I had any ideas about where she might find employment. I told her I didn’t think she was cut out for work in a bar with the possible exception of a place like Cheap Charlies where the girls are waitresses and work for drink commissions. Mary again said she was allergic to alcohol and I said most of the girls drink coke or sprite. She asked once more if I had any work available and I said not at the moment, but I’d think about it.

It was 5 a.m. now and the Jeepneys to Olongapo were running again, so we walked to the stop. I went to get her the cash I’d promised at 7/11 but they were closed. I asked if she wanted to accept less money or walk with me across town to another ATM. She wanted to walk for the cash. And she was very sweet, taking my hand as we made our way along the highway. To be honest, Mary has both the looks and the personality of someone I could really fall for. If she only she wasn’t just 20 years old!

Anyway, I paid her what we had agreed to (notwithstanding her lack of performance), we exchanged phone numbers, and she headed off for home. We’ve exchanged a few messages throughout the day and she asked if I was busy on Saturday. I asked why and she responded, “because I want to sleep with you”. So, I guess I’ve got plans with Mary for Saturday night.

I’m not sure where this is going to go. I’m too damn old to be her boyfriend, but maybe I can be her daddy. Sugar Daddy that is. The thought has occurred to me that I could engage her for some companionship a couple of times a week. I’m talking about more than sex here–joining me on my solitary hikes or watching some TV with me would be nice as well. In return for her assuaging my loneliness, I could offer some financial support to assist her and her child. That could be a win-win situation, don’t you think?

Or so at least it seems. Take today for example. I thought I’d be spending the afternoon with a lady friend, enjoying lunch and a movie here at my house. In preparation, I had to forgo my morning walk so I could cook the meal and download a movie. And then I get the message from Jhen saying she was on the way but couldn’t stay because she had to go back to Olongapo for her “assessment” day. The pain from that kick in the nuts precluded my asking what the hell that is.

I’ve known Jhen for most of the time I’ve lived here. She worked at the videoke joint I’d occasionally visit with my then-girlfriend before it closed down last year. Jhen and I became Facebook friends and would message on rare occasions. I never had an interest in her as a potential girlfriend but she was smart and witty and fun to chat with. Anyway, several days ago I get a message from her asking if by chance I had an old laptop I didn’t need. She’s starting a college program that has two days of classroom attendance and three days online. I told her I didn’t at the moment but I was looking to replace my current machine and would let her know. She thanked me and mentioned that classes would be starting soon.

So, I started looking around to see if I could buy a computer locally that suited my purposes and also consulted with a friend who is much techier than me. He is having one shipped from the USA soon and offered to let me join in on the deal. So, I went on Lazada (the Philippines Amazon more or less) to see what I could find. Nothing there I wanted, but on a whim, I ordered a mid-range laptop for Jhen. I was having second thoughts about why I would spend that kind of money (almost $400) on someone who is little more than an acquaintance. And then I gave myself the speech about coming here to make a difference, getting a degree can change a life long term, blah blah blah, so I went ahead with the purchase. When I told Jhen she was equal parts surprised and ecstatic. She said she didn’t know how to thank or repay me and I told her to do well in school and be successful in life.

The laptop was delivered to my house on Tuesday and we made arrangements for our get together today. It was going to be a simple lunch–grilled burgers with beans and a veggie. The movie I had downloaded for our viewing pleasure was Pay it Forward. I thought it would be a fun way to facilitate a discussion on how she could change the world, not only for herself but for others as well. Instead, she arrived, had a glass of water, I gave her the unopened box, she thanked me, then left.

I’m not going to lie about it. I was extremely disappointed, probably as much with myself as with her. I get these grand notions of doing good in my head and it always seems to come back and bite me in the ass. No good deed goes unpunished, indeed! Well, that’s on me too. True charity expects nothing in return. And that’s what I got in this case. When I think about how pathetic and needy I’ve become it’s downright depressing. Oh well. I truly do hope Jhen does well in school and if my gift in some small way helps make that happen it was money well spent.

I was going to title this post “Pay it Forward” but I checked and saw that I had used that heading back in April 2017. That post was me bragging about sending my future caregiver Loraine to school and the good things she was doing with that education. Reading that again didn’t improve my mood a bit. I guess it’s just my destiny to live this kind of life. I doubt I’m going to stop trying to make a difference in my community of unfortunates. I just need to find a better way to go about it.

I reckon that’s enough feeling sorry for myself for one day.

Greetings once again from the land where ignorance abounds! No wonder I’m such a good fit here.

We are now under “low risk modified general community quarantine”. I think perhaps this is the lowest possible level above normal and rumor has it things will never be normal again. Practically speaking, everything has remained pretty much as it was. A 9 p.m. curfew is probably the biggest inconvenience. Restaurants and bars have been allowed to reopen at 50% capacity. Waitresses must wear face shields and masks. The weirdest thing to me has been an edict from the geniuses at city hall that outside dining and drinking are not allowed. So, all the bars and restaurants that had open-air tables have had to remove them. Yeah, you heard that right–they want to control the spread of the virus by forcing everyone indoors to share the same air. The exact opposite of what the USA has done, only allowing restaurants to serve diners outside. Friends who ride motor scooters are also pissed at a rule that doesn’t allow back riders. As one puts it: “It’s okay to sleep with my girlfriend but I can’t give her a ride home in the morning.” I’m not sure what is really going on but it ain’t got nothing to do with keeping people safe. I suspect it is just ignorant people exercising newly gained power and authority ignorantly.

I’ve recently come to question my own ignorance when it comes to my gift-giving. Most of the time it works out fine, even if in a couple of instances I may have been suckered into providing help to someone not truly in need. Most of the time the assistance isn’t huge, amounting to less than $100. I usually don’t want or expect anything in return, although I did indulge that Wet Spot dancer in a little quid pro quo. That proved to be a big mistake as she constantly harrassed me for money for all kinds of “emergencies” afterward. Yep, classic bargirl scammer stuff. I eventually had to totally block her from all contact. I did see her at Wet Spot when they reopened last week–going out the door with a paying customer for a night of debauchery. Good to see her back at work!

Then there is the waitress at a certain beachside bar I’ve been known to frequent. We got to be acquainted and I also met her husband and father of her NINE kids. So, we are not really friends but she’s someone I know and have had conversations with over a period of time. A few weeks back she had a worried look about her and I asked her what was wrong. She said that school was going to be starting remotely and that she needed some Ipad-like devices so the kids could do their lessons. I asked how much that would cost and she told me 7000 pesos ($140). Hmm. Well, I have a soft spot for the kiddies, and helping them continue getting an education during these difficult times seemed like a worthy cause. So the next day (I don’t carry that much cash around) I brought her the needed money. She was ecstatic and offered to provide me proof of purchase. I told her that wasn’t necessary. She asked if she could do my laundry or clean my house and I told her I already have people for that. The devil on my shoulder was whispering in my ear but I ignored him–she’s a married woman and I don’t need that kind of trouble! Anyway, it was a feel-good moment for me and I was glad I could help.

Last night this same waitress began sending me messages. I wasn’t sure where she got my phone number at first, then realized it must have been from the tracking roster we are required to complete as part of the quarantine rules. Anyway, she eventually got around to telling me about some medical issues she has encountered and that the treatment she needs will cost 5000 pesos that she doesn’t have because she missed time from work due to illness. I have no reason to question the veracity of her story, but I was taken aback regardless. She’s a waitress at a place I like to drink, nothing more. I helped her out once but that doesn’t make me responsible to provide for her medical care or anything else. I found it all very off-putting. I wrote back that I was sorry to hear about her trouble, wished her a speedy recovery, and told her I was unable to assist financially. And now I’m going to need to find a new place to drink I guess. I really don’t like being tagged as a sucker and that’s how I feel. And yes, it’s my own damn fault.

Have I learned my lesson? Not if buying a $400 laptop for an acquaintance is any indication. I will save that story for another day. It’s still possible it will have a happy ending. I do seem to be generously ignorant although I’m not feeling the bliss. My intentions are good but perhaps I’m going about it wrong. I’ll figure it out eventually I suppose.

Buddy ran into his friend Buday on our walk this morning. Haven’t seen her around the ‘hood for weeks and I was actually a little worried about her. I’m hoping someone has adopted her. She looked well-fed or maybe she’s pregnant. Again.

Here’s a couple of shots from yesterday’s hike that Scott posted:

And that’s about it from here for now. I think it is important to keep things in perspective though. I mean, I wear the mask, not because I think it helps but because it’s the law of the land and I’m a guest in this country. But that said, if you think of wearing the mask as practice it takes on a whole new meaning.

Continuing on with yesterday’s theme, it turns out there are worse things than nothing. Yeah, I already knew that but bear with me.

Met up with some friends/Hashers for a few beers at Cheap Charlies. Always nice to have company and some folks around to punish with my witty repartee and bad jokes. When they’d had enough of that nonsense I wasn’t ready to call it a day, so I moseyed over to Mango’s for some beachside drinking and dining (I had chicken fingers so that counts).

Anyway, there is a gal there who works in the front office that I call Gee. I always say hello when I pass by her desk and she offers a smiling response for my effort. I find her quite attractive in a mature, non-bargirl kind of way. She wasn’t working when I arrived last night but as I was sipping my beer she came out on the back patio to greet me. That was a first! We chatted a bit and I asked her if she was a manager at Mango’s and their sister resort, D’Kudos. She nodded and said, “actually, I’m an investor in both”. I’m not sure what got into me (besides the beer of course) but I started asking her more personal questions. Like how old are you (39) and do you have a boyfriend (not currently). I then asked her why an attractive woman such as herself didn’t have a boyfriend and she told me that she hadn’t found the kind of man she’s looking for. My oh my! My next question was the obvious one: “would you like to get together with me for dinner sometime?” She looked at me in a peculiar way, maybe it was pity or maybe she found me pathetic, and simply said “no.” She did add that she appreciates my support of Mango’s and hopes to see me dining there often.

Ouch. After Gee walked away the sky and water took on an odd red hue. Maybe mother nature was blushing after witnessing my humiliation.

This morning I joined up with Scott, Jim, and Troy for a steep climb and hot walk.

Going to attempt a light bar crawl tonight. Captain’s Arms and Wet Spot have both reopened. And I’ve promised the door girls at Alaska that I’d visit the bar “soon”. A man is no better than his word after all. And I know how it feels to be rejected.

So yesterday’s date with Jessa went fine for the most part. But something seemed a little off in a way I can’t put my finger on just yet. The date started with her arriving 30 minutes late. I get the whole “Filipina time” cultural thing, but it is still a little offputting. We dined at the Arizona resort, the first time I’ve eaten at one of my favorite restaurants since this whole COVID pandemic hysteria ruined the world as we knew it.

Jessa had a T-bone steak (950 pesos!) and I went with the grilled chicken breast. After our meal, she wasn’t interested in walking back to my place so we took a trike. Upon arrival, I made us some banana smoothies (she preferred no strawberries!) for dessert. Then we opened up some beers and settled into the couch to watch a couple of episodes of The Outsider. It’s based on a Stephen King novel I haven’t read. We’ve watched five of the ten episodes now and I’d rate it a solid “okay”.

Then we went upstairs for boom-boom which was more satisfying than watching television for sure. She really is a sensuous young woman with a very sexy body. Even though she doesn’t shave her legs. Afterward, she asked for a massage which I gladly provided. She didn’t offer to reciprocate. She likes to cuddle when we sleep. I rolled over while sleeping and was hugging a pillow and she nudged me to come back and hold her instead.

Later in the night I actually dreamed about her. In the dream, she told me she loved me. When I awoke and laid there thinking about it I wasn’t sure how that made me feel. And that’s pretty much how I’ve felt since. Ambivalent maybe. Or maybe it’s all just too soon. Or maybe I’m just a fucked up mess when it comes to relationships. I don’t know, maybe I’ll figure it out. There’s nothing wrong with Jessa, like I said, it just feels “off” somehow.

This morning I was up a couple of hours before her. I made up a batch of blueberry muffins and served them with bacon and eggs. She seemed to enjoy the meal. I sent her home with a bottle of wine, some leftover muffins, and a bag of candy for her daughter. As I walked her to the trike stand she asked me if expected her to join me at the Hash. I told her honestly that I didn’t want her to feel obligated to do ANYTHING with me that she didn’t really want to do. I said I know you have no interest in Hashing or hiking but I appreciated her asking me about it. Then I put her in a trike and sent her home.

So, that’s the down and dirty on the date. Again, for the most part, it was quite enjoyable. She’s good company, good looking, has some passion about her, and enjoys getting physical. I don’t know why I’m not crazy about her.

Met up with the guys a little later and we did a long, mostly flat, 11K hike.

After the hike, we visited Harley’s on Baloy beach for lunch and beers.

The other news is that as of today we are now under Modified General Community Quarantine (MGCQ). I’m not sure what that will mean in terms of things that matter (like bars reopening) but at least there is this:

I reckon that’s progress in the right direction. In these trying times perhaps that’s the best we can hope for. Says the 64-year-old man who can’t figure out why he’s not crazy about a hot 32-year-old who seems to be into him.

Is that a first world or a third world problem?

Sorry for the lack of posting yesterday. Tuesday is normally an easy day for blogging, just throw up some photos from Monday’s Hash. But then things got weird.

How weird? Well, the ex-GF showing up to the Hash weird. Granted, she’s got the right and I don’t begrudge her that. She is friends with some of the female Hashers after all. It was a short trail and she was up ahead of me for almost all the hike. Back at the On-Home, she’d fetch me a beer when I was empty but didn’t spend much time with me and I was fine with that too. I left before the circle activities were completed because they ran out of light beer and I’d probably had enough to drink anyway. The ex followed me out of the Hash. Well, the way home did go past her house so I could understand it. When we got to her place she said she wanted to come home with me and see the dogs. I told her no and kept on walking. I was surprised when I looked back and saw she was following me. So I stopped and asked her what was up. She again said she wanted to stay with me. I told her no, that’s not going to happen. After a little back and forth, I walked off alone.

The whole thing threw me for a loop so I decided to pop into “Gomans” for a beer to clear my mind. The ex started sending text messages that I tried to ignore. And then Jessa messaged me which was a pleasant distraction. Meanwhile, I kept on drinking. And I don’t remember much after that. I got home safely and before curfew so there’s that.

I felt like shit yesterday but I got my visa renewed and went grocery shopping. The ex messaged me an apology and said she was going to sell all her stuff (most of which I bought for her) and move back to Manila. I wished her good luck. Apparently, in my drunkenness the night before I had invited Jessa to the house. I wasn’t really in the mood to see anyone but I felt bad because her side of town had a scheduled all day “brownout” while the electric company did maintenance. So, I kept the date. She arrived in the early afternoon and I grilled up some hamburgers for lunch.

After our meal, we watched some TV. I had some hair of the dog that bit me (beer) and started feeling a little better. Jessa drank wine. I’m not sure who started feeling frisky first, but after awhile we were making out on the couch. She’s a passionate kisser, I’ll grant her that. Things were heating up and I invited her to come to my bedroom, but she declined saying she is not ready yet. Okay then. It was reminiscent of those days with my high school girlfriend–getting all fired up but then no follow-through. I told her as much and she just laughed and said “next time”.

We watched some more TV and continued drinking. Then with curfew fast approaching I told her I would walk her out to the trike stand to get a ride back home. As we walked I could tell she was quite inebriated. A few minutes down the road she surprised me, saying she wanted to spend the night, provided I promise to abide by her no intercourse dictate. Gentleman that I am I did so and kept my vow. It was hard though. *ahem*

Anyway, Jessa likes to cuddle and it was nice to have a warm body next to me again. I woke up early as usual but she stayed in bed until almost eight. Made my standard bacon, egg, and toast breakfast for her which she seemed to enjoy. I walked Jessa and the dogs to the trike stand and gave her a peck goodbye. And that was that.

I’ve been out of sorts all day today and I’m not exactly sure why. For some reason, I’m feeling bad for the ex, sympathy for her situation perhaps or maybe just missing the good parts of what we shared. Jessa is much more passionate and I’m almost certain she’ll give me a better girlfriend experience, but I don’t know what is making me hesitate. Maybe it is just too soon. Anyway, I’ll figure it out eventually I suppose.

How messed up am I? Well, I haven’t done any walking for two days now which is a big deal for me. I’ll try and get back with the program tomorrow.

It’s all so strange.

On the cusp of a kinda sorta first date this afternoon. Although I’ve considered the repercussions, good and bad, about taking these tentative steps towards a potential relationship, I’m afraid I don’t have any great insights on just what I might be getting myself into. Does anyone ever though?

Here’s what I do know. I’ve been acquainted with Jessa for two years now. I made some effort back when we first met to make her my girlfriend, to no avail. I realized later that it was my own cowardice in putting myself at risk by pursuing a potential loving romance that doomed any chance of success. I felt like I was better off safe than sorry and I’ve pretty much been sorry ever since.

The past several days I’ve been chatting online at length with Jessa. I really appreciate the fact that she can carry her end of the conversation better than most. She is perceptive and offers some significant insights. She can also be brutally honest, but I kinda like that too. She has a great sense of humor and also seems to get mine which is always nice. I can tell already that she will not hesitate to challenge and push me as she deems necessary. Time will tell how she reacts when I push back. She is, however, open-minded and appears to have a healthy appreciation for the physical aspects of a relationship. At least she verbalizes them, time will tell if she is willing to demonstrate them in person.

On the downside, Jessa is exactly half my age. That’s really not a big deal in this culture, but it can be a bit disconcerting and somewhat intimidating. She has a 6-year-old daughter I’ve yet to meet but Jessa seems impressed by my experience as a single father (back when I was her age. Yikes!). I’m not sure at this point what else we may have in common, but I do know that Jessa is not into the hiking aspects of my life. I admit that it is a bit disappointing because I’ve fantasized about having someone to share my walking and Hashing experiences.

So, going into today’s date I’m keeping my expectations in check. I’m looking at it as having some pleasant company for the afternoon so I doubt I’ll be disappointed. I’ve got a batch of chili in the crockpot and I’ll bake up some brownies for dessert. Like many Filipinas, Jessa enjoys watching Korean dramas so I’m going to share one of my old-time favorites, My Sassy Girl, with her. After that, who knows? I’ve got plenty of beer. Or maybe a nap.

Here are some photos from yesterday’s walk that Scott took:

And that’s where things ended. Now to get ready for what may (or may not) be a new beginning.

Stay tuned!

UPDATE: It seems I used the “here we go again” post title way back in 2009. That’s from those days when I use to write about meaningful stuff like politics. What impressed me the most though was the robust and heartfelt discussion in the comments. Well, I’m still getting great feedback from the few that still come by to read my diary. Thanks for that!

Time is a one way street. So why does the past loom so large?

You know it’s a slow day in paradise when I’m reduced to blogging about a dream. Actually though, I don’t remember the dream that woke me from my slumber last night even though I told myself to not forget it. Ah well.

What I do recall is laying in bed unable to go back to sleep and thinking about things. And one of the things I thought about was a TV show I used to enjoy called Newhart. Or to be more precise, I was thinking about the final episode of that series, which surprising aired 30 years ago this month. Man, that makes me feel old!

For you youngsters or those who’s middle of the night memory is not as strong as mine, the Newhart show starred Bob Newhart as Dick Loudon, an innkeeper in rural Vermont. Mr. Newhart had previously starred in The Bob Newhart Show as a psychologist in Chicago. The Newhart series concluded after eight seasons with the Loudon character waking up as Dr. Hartley in Chicago. Yep, everything that happened during the show in Vermont had only been a dream.

Anyway, the point of all this, to the extent I have one, is just that I got to thinking about how I would feel if I woke up back in my Korea life, and all that has happened since that time was only a bizarre dream. I guess not knowing the answer to that kept me awake for a while.

Do I miss Korea? Yes, I do. Do I long for the relative stability and comfort I used to enjoy when I was married? Sometimes, although I don’t often allow myself the luxury of thinking about that very often. And on the flip side; do I regret moving to the Philippines? No, I can’t say that I do. Am I happy here? Hmm, perhaps not as much as I thought I would be. This is not to say there is anything wrong with my life, just perhaps that it is not all that I hoped for.

That’s the rub, I suppose. Looking back on the year I spent in Anjeong-ri, I realize now that I missed a great opportunity to embrace and enjoy that experience. Instead, I was so wrapped up in what I didn’t have there and what I was looking forward to here, that I forgot to fully live the life I had. So last night was wrestling both the demons of the past and the fears of the present. I’m not sure I came to any resolution before sleep finally overcame my troubled mind. I miss what I had but I know it’s gone. And I’d miss this life now if I left it for something else. Maybe that’s just the way it works.

Speaking of the past, I came across a photo of those long-ago days when I was just a glimmer in my father’s eyes:

And now I’ll return to the lockdown reality that is my current life.

Now the night is gone,
a new day is dawning
And our homeless dreams
go back to the street
Another time or place,
another civilization
Would really make
this life feel so complete.

I’ll always be a dreamin’ man
I don’t have to understand
I know it’s alright.