
I’m in the early stages of reevaluating the person I’ve become and hopefully finding ways to be better than I have been. Self-awareness is definitely not my strong suit, but I’ve acknowledged in the past that in very many ways I’m a selfish bastard. That “what’s in it for me” attitude is probably what drove me to the transactional relationships habit we’ve been discussing in the comment threads on some recent posts. More on that another time.
In the belief that I might atone for some past transgressions and steer a course towards a more honest future, I had a talk with Janey yesterday over lunch at the Arizona resort. We started with a calamari appetizer. Janey did a chef salad and I tried their enchiladas. I honestly wasn’t impressed. But that’s not important right now.
Janey wasn’t expecting any serious talk and I could tell she was taken aback when I started telling her the things I’ve been thinking about these past few days. I began by telling Janey that contrary to what she has said to me on several occasions, she is not a “bad girl” for seeing me while she is in a long-distance relationship. I said if anyone was bad, it was me for having put her in this position to begin with despite my knowing she was not free. I told her that it made me sad when she blamed herself. I also said that I didn’t want her to feel any pressure from me to make a choice between me and her boyfriend. She should take her time and pick the life that is best for her. By the same token, I made clear that I do not want to be a second choice or fallback option. Her decision should be solely about him and her without consideration of her feelings towards me. If she should ultimately choose to end that relationship we could start anew and see where it leads for us. In the meantime, I would be taking a break and preparing myself for whatever the future might bring. I made clear I wasn’t seeking to find someone else, in fact, I needed time alone to figure out what it is that I want.
It felt good to get all that off my chest and I figured it would lead us into a larger conversation about her feelings as well. So, I was surprised by her reaction. “I understand” was all she would say. She was ready to burst into tears and wanted to leave the restaurant. I kept trying to reiterate that I was doing this for her–no more stress and she could take her time to make the best possible decision for her future. I emphasized that my feelings hadn’t changed but I thought it best for us both to focus on what was going to best prepare us for whatever the future might bring. “I understand” was all she told me. Then we left, she caught a trike and I went to play darts.
I later got a message saying I should not have told her what I did in the restaurant because she had to fight to keep from crying. We’ve chatted some today and she wasn’t sounding happy at all. So, I guess I was selfish again after all. It seems I just can’t help myself. Telling her what was in my mind and heart felt like the right thing to do, but maybe I was wrong about that.
I think where things stand now is we are back to being friends without all the baggage that comes with cheating. She did talk some today (on messenger) about her boyfriend and some of their issues. I suggested a face to face heart to heart when he returns to the Philippines. She’ll figure it out I think. I’m not sure where I’ll be at that point when she makes her decision. Hopefully in a better place than I am now.
And that’s where things currently stand with Janey.

Oh, and I sucked at darts last night. It’s like I hadn’t played since March or something.
Tried to take a walk this morning, but it started raining so I turned around. Tried again this afternoon but when I got to Marion Hills the gates were closed. I’ve never seen that before. Made me wonder if one of those COVID cases was there. Or maybe they are trying to keep it out. Either way, I didn’t want to wind up in some quarantine ward so I retreated back to Alta Vista and walked there.

And that’s all I’ve got for this lockdown Sunday. Well, I’ve got pork chops in the crockpot. Maybe some beers and a movie later. Life goes on.






























































