I’m in the early stages of reevaluating the person I’ve become and hopefully finding ways to be better than I have been. Self-awareness is definitely not my strong suit, but I’ve acknowledged in the past that in very many ways I’m a selfish bastard. That “what’s in it for me” attitude is probably what drove me to the transactional relationships habit we’ve been discussing in the comment threads on some recent posts. More on that another time.
In the belief that I might atone for some past transgressions and steer a course towards a more honest future, I had a talk with Janey yesterday over lunch at the Arizona resort. We started with a calamari appetizer. Janey did a chef salad and I tried their enchiladas. I honestly wasn’t impressed. But that’s not important right now.
Janey wasn’t expecting any serious talk and I could tell she was taken aback when I started telling her the things I’ve been thinking about these past few days. I began by telling Janey that contrary to what she has said to me on several occasions, she is not a “bad girl” for seeing me while she is in a long-distance relationship. I said if anyone was bad, it was me for having put her in this position to begin with despite my knowing she was not free. I told her that it made me sad when she blamed herself. I also said that I didn’t want her to feel any pressure from me to make a choice between me and her boyfriend. She should take her time and pick the life that is best for her. By the same token, I made clear that I do not want to be a second choice or fallback option. Her decision should be solely about him and her without consideration of her feelings towards me. If she should ultimately choose to end that relationship we could start anew and see where it leads for us. In the meantime, I would be taking a break and preparing myself for whatever the future might bring. I made clear I wasn’t seeking to find someone else, in fact, I needed time alone to figure out what it is that I want.
It felt good to get all that off my chest and I figured it would lead us into a larger conversation about her feelings as well. So, I was surprised by her reaction. “I understand” was all she would say. She was ready to burst into tears and wanted to leave the restaurant. I kept trying to reiterate that I was doing this for her–no more stress and she could take her time to make the best possible decision for her future. I emphasized that my feelings hadn’t changed but I thought it best for us both to focus on what was going to best prepare us for whatever the future might bring. “I understand” was all she told me. Then we left, she caught a trike and I went to play darts.
I later got a message saying I should not have told her what I did in the restaurant because she had to fight to keep from crying. We’ve chatted some today and she wasn’t sounding happy at all. So, I guess I was selfish again after all. It seems I just can’t help myself. Telling her what was in my mind and heart felt like the right thing to do, but maybe I was wrong about that.
I think where things stand now is we are back to being friends without all the baggage that comes with cheating. She did talk some today (on messenger) about her boyfriend and some of their issues. I suggested a face to face heart to heart when he returns to the Philippines. She’ll figure it out I think. I’m not sure where I’ll be at that point when she makes her decision. Hopefully in a better place than I am now.
And that’s where things currently stand with Janey.
Oh, and I sucked at darts last night. It’s like I hadn’t played since March or something.
Tried to take a walk this morning, but it started raining so I turned around. Tried again this afternoon but when I got to Marion Hills the gates were closed. I’ve never seen that before. Made me wonder if one of those COVID cases was there. Or maybe they are trying to keep it out. Either way, I didn’t want to wind up in some quarantine ward so I retreated back to Alta Vista and walked there.
And that’s all I’ve got for this lockdown Sunday. Well, I’ve got pork chops in the crockpot. Maybe some beers and a movie later. Life goes on.
[Please delete first comment. Thanks!]
Not sure I can decipher what was going on in that exchange, but if J is saying you shouldn’t have told her what you’d told her during lunch because of how it made HER feel, well, that’s a bit selfish. But I don’t know… maybe that’s just her knee-jerk reaction to hearing something she didn’t want to hear, and not having the time to process it. I think that, once she’s rational again, she’ll see the wisdom inherent in your stepping back, and she’ll understand what you’re intending by not putting her under any pressure. (If she fails to understand this, then she’s not for you.)
It could also be that she’s frightened of the responsibility of having to face her current beau, and when you step away from the situation, you’re leaving her alone in front of an oncoming locomotive (emphasis on “loco”). Maybe she’d rather hide in a tucked-away little fantasy world with you, pretending that her beau doesn’t exist, and that there are no house-sized financial commitments to consider. If so, that’s not healthy on her part, and her rational mind knows this perfectly well. She needs to face her beau, and she needs to be clear, in her own mind, about what she wants out of life and out of you.
All in all, I’d say you did the right thing. In any relationship, even one that’s this messed up, communication is absolutely necessary. Asians don’t necessarily appreciate this, but it’s true all the same. The one thing I really didn’t understand was this:
“Her decision should be solely about him and her without consideration of her feelings towards me.”
Let’s say she does have sincere feelings toward you. How is J not supposed to take those feelings into account? And by telling her that you don’t see yourself as “a second choice or a fallback option,” aren’t you telling her that, if she wants you, then you want to be the one and only man in her life? This all seems confusing and contradictory. You’re telling her there’s no pressure, yet you seem to be pressuring her. (Not that that’s a bad thing: you’re merely being honest when you say that you don’t want to be second-best. What man or woman wants that for him- or herself?)
Maybe it’s just a matter of clear phrasing. I get that you don’t want to twist her arm and somehow force her to choose you, and I get that you also don’t want to be less than numero uno if she does choose you. But is there a clear way to phrase this that doesn’t involve self-contradiction?
Then we also have to factor in the unreadiness (well, the terror) that you confessed to earlier when J seemed to express a willingness to commit to you. Why give her the “I don’t want to be second” speech if you yourself aren’t ready for any sort of commitment?
See why I’m confused? I think you’re sending J very mixed messages about what you want, and you need to sort things out in your own head before you go much further. Giving J a respectful distance is a good first step. Talking things through with her, whenever she wants to talk, is a good second step. Just don’t let your ex—Little Miss M of the weird teeth—crawl into bed with you again while this all plays out. (I know you said she now doesn’t want to see you, but she’s a bit like you in terms of following her baser needs and impulses instead of listening to her higher self.)
Good luck. Sincerely. Remaking oneself is never easy.
As always, thanks for the insights, Kevin.
“maybe that’s just her knee-jerk reaction to hearing something she didn’t want to hear, and not having the time to process it. I think that, once she’s rational again, she’ll see the wisdom inherent in your stepping back”
Yeah, based on our conversation last night I think she’s getting there. I’m convinced she really does care about me and understands that this is what I need to do right now.
“She needs to face her beau, and she needs to be clear, in her own mind, about what she wants out of life and out of you.”
That was another positive sign last night, based on what she told me, she has started pushing back on him for some of the behaviors towards her she finds unacceptable. I’m encouraging her but staying as neutral as possible. I’m just glad to see her standing up for herself. He can either choose to love her in her strength or find some other woman to dominate.
“And by telling her that you don’t see yourself as “a second choice or a fallback option,” aren’t you telling her that, if she wants you, then you want to be the one and only man in her life? This all seems confusing and contradictory.”
Yes, it was definitely inartfully worded. Hopefully, I’ve clarified some in our follow on chats. What I was trying to get across is that I don’t want to be “oh well, at least I still have John” if things don’t work out with the BF. What I wanted to convey is that if and when she is free and assuming I’m also prepared to try a relationship, we can start again and see where it goes. No guarantees that it will work, there never are (especially given my history). I just don’t want to hear “I gave him up for you and now you aren’t happy?”. I don’t want her thinking “well, there’s always John” either.
“Why give her the “I don’t want to be second” speech if you yourself aren’t ready for any sort of commitment?”
Yeah, I see how that is confusing. I don’t think I really thought through the being second part as well as I should have, but I also didn’t really emphasize that point in our discussion. It’s not come up again since either. I did tell her that I needed to use this time to get myself ready for whatever the future might hold. I hope I was clear that I’m not wanting to do the “love” relationship thing right now with her or anyone else. I tried to put a positive spin on our using this time to decide what we truly need to live a happy life, whether that’s together or apart.
So, we are still talking and J. was feeling a lot better at bedtime than she was in the morning when we chatted. And honestly, we are still in the “getting to know you” phase as well. So I think this time can be put to good use and I’ll be prepared to accept whatever outcome the future may bring. I hope.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. It does help!
I think there’s potential for good things, here, and I trust you’ll both work it out. Just keep on a-talkin’.