Well, I turn 65 in ten days, so I’ve got the living part pretty much down. The learning, maybe not so much. In my previous post, I alluded to screwing up again, and a couple of commenters expressed curiosity about what I did this time. Here’s the gist of it:
My ex-girlfriend asked if she could visit for lockdown Sunday. She’s friends with my helper and attached to the dogs. She’d asked before and I’d always told her no. For some reason, I agreed this time. It was mostly fine, she brought her karaoke machine with her and the girls sat out back and sang the night away. I went to bed and to my surprise, I woke up to find her next to me (I expected her to use the guest room). And then my little brain nature took over.
I was gone all Sunday morning on my hike and the women folk sang all afternoon. So it was all cool. I went to bed early and she joined me again later. This time she slept with her head at the foot of the bed and that suited me fine.
I’m chatting with Janey this morning and she tells me she and her sister are going for a run. I asked where and she said Baloy beach. Imagine my surprise then when I saw her and a couple of other females jog past my house! Now, the ex was still upstairs but she’ll usually sit on the balcony and have a morning smoke. I went upstairs and she was in the bathroom. When she came out I told her not to use the balcony this morning. And then of course I had to explain why. Check out Sarkinen Plumbing packages for services.
It was weird. She knows Janey from the Hash and she suspected I was seeing her (never while we were still together though). I think the ex was hurt for some reason, but we talked through it. I reminded her that we were just friends now and who I spent time with was not her concern. I was paranoid that Janey might come back and knock on my door. Also, it was time to walk the dogs. Would I encounter her out on the street? Finally, I just said fuck it, and we did the dog walk. Didn’t see anyone and apparently Janey is none the wiser.
So, why do I feel like shit? Well, I certainly wasn’t honest with Janey. She had no idea I was entertaining a guest this weekend. I don’t know if being with my ex constitutes cheating, especially since what I’m doing with Janey is in fact cheating on her boyfriend. But it still doesn’t feel right somehow. And yes, it has occurred to me that the person I’m being most dishonest with is me.
So, I don’t know what I’m going to do at this point. No intention of going back with the ex, she’s better at being a friend than a girlfriend. I still like the idea of Janey but the reality of our situation is wearying. I’m still not prepared to walk away just yet, but the thought of doing so is recurring. It could be like that old song says: “We had the right love at the wrong time”.
Anyway, that’s the update. More and more I think I might be better off alone. It is probably what I deserve.
In the other comment thread, I wrote that we can at least be sure that your feelings for J don’t amount to love. At this point, I’d say it’s clear that there’s no seriousness at all regarding your relationship with J, and that you’re content to use women the way they may or may not be using you. The deceit and the fucking-around certainly aren’t indicative of a relationship built on substance, and if substance is what you claim to crave, you sure have a funny way of following that desire.
Someone ought to write a script for a cinematic comedy based on your life. Your moral depravity doesn’t affect me or your other male friends since we’re not in danger of being sexually targeted by you, but if you really do want something more out of life than to treat the women around you as little more than ambulatory vaginas, something very basic in your outlook and your morality is going to have to change.
Other commenters will chime in with their own practical wisdom, but the way I see it, you’re better off being honest with yourself and acknowledging that you’re really not looking for anything more substantive than the carnal.
Has it occurred to you that your ex is probably aware you’ve been with J, and this is the ex’s way of re-marking her “territory”? She now has ammunition that she can “accidentally” let slip during a heated conversation with J, whom she may see (for whatever bizarre, petty reason) as a rival. You’ve dug yourself a lovely hole.
Yeah John, I agree with Kevin. You aren’t going to make it out of this situation unscathed.
Yup, not much to add. Dont see this ending well. People will be hurt, you included.
Honestly, you should probably swear off women in your locale. Too much of a “small town” vibe. Drama everywhere. If you want/need to sow your oats, take a long weekend and go to city XXX (wherever that is) and repeat as needed.
Keep the women in your town at arms length – nothing wrong with being friends but dont let yourself move out of the “friends zone” into something else.
As always, thanks for the feedback guys.
I’ll concede that most of my troubles with women, now and in the past, are of my own making. I’m not sure I’m all that depraved, at least when compared to a lot of the people I see around here, but everything is relative I suppose.
I guess it really comes down to being honest with myself about what it is that I really want. I do fantasize about having a substantive relationship with someone, but then I remember that the reality of doing so opens you up to the potential of getting your heart broken. I’ll cop to being cowardly in that regard. So, if nothing else perhaps I’m gaining some self-awareness through these escapades.
And yes, this is definitely a small town. Filipinas are notorious for their “coconut network”. The ex did tell me that she had heard from one of the female Hashers that she saw me and J walking together before. No question you can’t get away with anything in these parts.
I’m not sure what’s going to happen next. I’d prefer to avoid the drama and causing someone to be hurt. That means changing some behaviors. More and more, just being a single guy seems like the best solution for me.
I like your style Mccrarey. You have your rules and a semblance of honor. Your rules make you feel special.
1. I shall not imbibe any ale before sunset
2. I shall not lie with a courtesan
3. I shall strive to find my one true love
It is good for a man to have principles. As a long-time reader I admire your candor in maintaining such. Of course, following them is another thing. But one thing that having ideals does, it makes you sit on a high horse and judge those who don’t follow your ideals. You may come to look down on them ,as you should, for their depraved lifestyles.
However, being a fair man, it will come as no shock to you to find that you will apply the same harsh judgment on yourself when you fail to live up to your rules. It becomes harder and harder to rationalize your actions and then your rules become in danger of being obsolete.
I am sure you of all people would have berated yourself enough over what you see a misstep.
I , for one, miss those entertaining posts when your current love interest would ignore you or slight you in some way, and you would accost her and scream crude remarks about her lout primogenitors. Those was the fun and action-filled days of McCrarey.
This current environment has a more sedate thinking man, more soppy disguised as self-confidence man.
Keep on writing. The readers will be quite interested to see how this affair turns out.
I am sure this much is obvious; but your ex already had heard of your interest in the woman you’re now calling Janey. In opposition to a reader who recommended that you went to another town and start all over, I say, just blaze your path through your own small town. Spread your seed and see what happens. You won’t be breaking any of your rules, except that you may gain a reputation as a good man with a good heart who loves to share his goodness.
If anyone has followed your blog posts, they would see that you have been married four times, had multiple relationships along the way (married and single), and profess about “falling in love” every other day. While reading your diatribe of “oh golly, I’m just doomed to be unlucky in love” might had some resonance, your abhorrent actions tell another story. Stop acting like a lovesick Romeo and embrace your lust filled persona in full force. Eventually, it seems to just be a ‘trick the reader’ into feeling guilty for me scheme.
I’ve stopped watching soap operas and instead tune-in to this blog for my drama fix. I think Megan hit it on the head. No not that head McCrarey! Peace ✌️ Out!
John,
Having read the steadily mounting comments to this post, I think you’ve reached an inflection point, given the general tenor of the comments you’re receiving. You’ve been presented with several options, all of which seem much more honest than the path you’re currently on.
1. Chase tail in a different town. (honestly pragmatic)
2. Say “fuck it” and continue your DNA-spreading spree in this town. (honest self-assessment and acceptance of who you are)
3. Start treating women as actual human beings and not merely as tail to nail. (honest, honorable conduct toward women, not to mention a path to self-improvement)
I know which option I’d pick.
You might counter that you do treat women well, but from my perch, you really don’t. Sex is always the ulterior motive in your interactions with most women, and the self-deception comes in when you conflate sex with loftier things like love and companionship. Based on what I’ve learned about local Filipina women from your misadventures, a lot of them seem to be just as cold, calculating, businesslike, and pragmatic as the Korean women you left behind. Maybe you’re OK with a “she uses me; I’m using her” dynamic. I’m not, but I also can’t tell you what to do. The best I can do is submit my opinion.
If you really are seeking some sort of love and companionship, you have to start by eliminating the transactional dimension of your “relationships.” Another astute commenter used the phrase “pay for play” to describe your situation. As long as you’re unable to rise above the transactional (she gets something out of this; I get something out of this), you’re doomed to marinate in your own hell.
The problem that I am (we are) seeing, though, is that, like a wind-up toy aimed at a wall, you tend to hit that wall and to keep stubbornly trying to walk through it. You’ve been great about accepting the various criticisms we’ve offered (frankly, I might not react so well if I were in your place), but deep down, you’re not really accepting them. You’re stubbornly, eternally walking into that wall, into that wall, into that wall. Until you divorce yourself from that momentum and that trajectory (some would call this karma), nothing is going to change, no matter how much you rhapsodize about loftier things. For now, you seem to be a creature of the muck—earthy, earthly, and guided purely by base impulses. This is why I used the word “depravity”: it’s an apt term to be associated with such a being.
I could end by saying, “You’re better than this,” but… are you? I no longer know.
Wow. I learned long ago that feedback is always a gift. And the blunt honesty of these comments is really something special. I sincerely do appreciate that y’all cared enough to share how you really feel. Thank you!
Lots of things to consider. I’m not sure I necessarily agree with all the assessments and viewpoints, but I really need to step back and think about them. I’m definitely struck by the divergence between my self-image and how others see me, at least based on what I’ve shared here on the blog.
Again, please know that your point of view is something I’m going to seriously evaluate in ways that might prove to be behavior and/or life-altering. That’s a big deal and I’m going to make the most of the gift you’ve provided through your feedback.
More to come.