One of the things I like about Barrio Baretto is that while it is a small town it has easy access to major conveniences, such as dining, shopping and of course, bars. I’d reckon it is similar in size to Anjeong-ri (where I currently reside) but with more of an Itaewon vibe (lots of expats from around the world).
So anyway, earlier this week I walked into Rolling Stones bar for the first time ever. And a guy shouts out, “hey John, I know you!”. Well, it turns out it was a guy named Scott. He is a member of the local Hash club that I made Facebook friends with.
Yesterday I popped over to Cheap Charlie’s bar for a quick beer while Gem was napping. The place was packed but I scoped out one open stool at the far end of the bar. Once I was seated I noticed that the guy next to me was Scott, there with another Hasher friend. After they left I saw a woman across the bar who looked vaguely familiar. Finally, I recognized her as the sales girl in a small shop who had sold me a ball cap earlier in the day. We made eye contact and I saw the confusion on her face. I called out that I was in her store earlier…then she remembered me.
Later as I was walking back to my hotel I was thinking about what a small town this truly is so hopefully it won’t take long to make friends and see lots of familiar faces while I’m out and about. Then a Jeepney pulls ups, and out hop John and his girlfriend Mango, the only two people I actually know here. Weird, huh?
And oh, later that evening while Gem and I were enjoying the floating bar at Arizona Resort, in walks Scott and his friend who sit at the table next to mine. Turns out Scott was from Huntington Beach, CA, right next door to my hometown of Westminster. I couldn’t help but remind him how we always kicked their ass in football on Friday nights. Small town, small world.
Snapped this photo of the sun going down from the Arizona floater. Made it my FB profile picture. Later I noticed that Scott had taken a similar photo and made it HIS profile picture. Yeah, it’s getting a little strange, I know.
Had a fish and chips dinner at the Midnight Rambler. Saw this sign on the way out and thought it was good advice. So I took it.
We went to the Velvet Touch bar to hear some live music on a Saturday night.
Apparently the new “no smoking” ordinance is even more restrictive than I thought if this sign in the men’s room is any indication…
Enjoyed my final breakfast of the year at Treasure Island.
Then Gem and I hopped in a Jeepney for the short ride to the Navy base to get some walking and shopping done.
My challenge for the final night of 2017 is to stay sober enough awake to enjoy the countdown to 2018 and fireworks show. We shall see.
I despise Manila. Getting from the airport to Subic took nearly four hours, most of that stuck in Manila traffic. It’s an ugly and filthy city and even after all these years I find the poverty shocking. To be fair, there are nice parts of the city you just don’t see them on the trip from the airport. I much prefer flying into Clark in Angeles. Just hard to score a ticket this time of year as it is a very popular tourist destination for Koreans. Well, Korean men anyway.
Anyway, leaving the city behind it is a quite pleasant and scenic drive. Arrived safely at my lodging for the week and got checked in.
The Palm Tree Resort was my third choice, everything else was booked. I’m not happy with the “no view” room, but otherwise the place is clean and comfortable.
I normally stay on Baloy Beach at the Blue Rock Resort. But I knew I’d be dealing with the ghost of Loraine this trip and staying there without her would have been overwhelming. Honestly, I’ve been haunted quite a bit so far as it is. Nothing to be done but face up to the fact that the memories will always be there, I can only control how I choose to react to them. Gem has been a nice distraction.
Speaking of Gem, I’ve introduced to some of the elements of my lifestyle. She hung in there for a pretty decent walk, some on the beach, some on the highway. Gem also has now experienced her first “go-go” bar and she was not shocked or offended. Even seemed to enjoy herself.
Gem is actually a non-drinker. She’s a good sport about my enjoyment of a cold brew though and she’ll even occasionally have a few sips with me.
One of the things I’m hoping to accomplish on this trip is to nail down at least the general area where I will find my house when I move here permanently come what May. (ahem). Revisited a nearby subdivision called Alta Vista.
Most of the houses in Alta Vista feature bay views like this…
…or mountain views like this.
Some houses even have both views. I liked this one because it was about my size (lots of the houses are McMansions in scope).
I did not see any indication that there were any available rentals in Alta Vista however. I do have a phone number where I can at least make some additional inquiries. I did find a house that seems perfect and it will be available for rent in late January.
It has everything!
Including a view to die for.
And what a kitchen!
And the rent? A whopping $500. a month! The only problem with it is the location. Club Morocco is 14 kms from my preferred area in Barrio Baretto. Going to hire a car today and see just how inconvenient living that far out would be.
Met up with my only friend in town for dinner last night. He brought along his new girlfriend. Very lovely girl, and very sweet.
They seem very happy together.
As we finished dinner I was rewarded with this lovely sunset view:
One of the side effects of spending hours alone on the road is it gives me time to think. That’s not always a good thing, but my brain seems to have a mind of its own in that regard.
Anyway, I’ve recently had occasion to be thinking about my love life. Such as it is. And the truth of the matter is that despite appearances and current circumstances, I’ve been blessed with more than my share of love relationships in this lifetime. And so I decided to do a little self-assessment to see what pearls of wisdom I might glean from these past experiences as I move forward in my quest for finding true and lasting love in my lifetime.
A caveat: I am defining love relationships as being a mutual thing—both parties actively engaged in the pursuit of love in all its glory. For example, since the failure of my last marriage I have had two women profess their love for me, love that at the time I was unwilling and unable to return. They are not on this list, and I know they were both hurt by my lack of reciprocity. I’m happy to report that both of these people remain true and supportive friends to me, and that has brought me great comfort during the past few difficult weeks.
Let’s begin at the beginning, shall we?
Karen. My first love. My high school sweetheart. Interestingly, we have remained in sporadic communication over the years. Including an amazing couple of nights at our twentieth high school reunion. She had moved a couple hours away in senior year and I didn’t prove to be a faithful boyfriend doing the long distance relationship thing. I broke her heart. Score (0-1-0)
Gail. I started seeing Gail after Karen moved away, but before I had ended things with Karen. In the end Gail got tired of waiting for me to make up mind, so she made it up for me. She broke my heart. Score (1-1-0)
Bridget. Became wife #1. We were both teenagers (19 and 17) when she became pregnant with our first child, a daughter. Five years and a son later we had grown apart and she wanted a life that did not include the obligations of being a wife and mother. She gave me custody of the kids and moved on. I had also met someone else as well. Mutual decision. Score (1-1-1)
KaraLynne. A woman who changed my life in so many ways. The love of my life in the sense that I’ve never again gone “all in” like I did with her. She was going to graduate school in Idaho and met another man (whom she eventually married). Almost 40 years later now, but I’m almost over it. Almost. She broke my heart. Score (2-1-1)
Pamela. In my devastation over KaraLynne, I sold everything I owned that wouldn’t fit in my car and moved to Oklahoma to be with my kids on my parent’s small farm. Pam was a sweet and innocent country girl who gave me her virginity. In time I grew bored with her and knew I had to move on. I broke her heart. Score (2-2-1)
Darla. Another country girl I met while working together at the Fort Smith, Arkansas post office. Seven years my junior and such a sweet young thing. She came over at midnight the day I turned 30 saying she wanted to do something with me I’d never forget. I haven’t. Not sure what happened after that, but one day she said she was ready to move on (Karma perhaps?) and left me.She broke my heart. Score (3-2-1)
Beckie. Wife #2. Probably the best woman I have ever known. The kind of woman I wanted to help me raise my kids. To her credit, she is still a big part of their lives. Once the kids were grown though, I realized we had nothing in common. And I had an affair. I broke her heart. Score (3-3-1)
Carol. The woman I had the affair with and who became wife #3. We had such a passionate relationship. Full of fire, but not always in a good way. We argued ferociously about politics but in a weird kind of way I really miss the intensity of that relationship. We cared enough to fight about things. I moved to Korea, she was supposed to join me here. She changed her mind about that and I was unwilling to return home. Mutual decision. Score (3-3-2)
Se Hwa. My first true Korean girlfriend. Met her on a dating site. Twenty years younger than me. Her dream was to go to graduate school in the USA. I helped her achieve that goal knowing I wouldn’t be going back with her. So, I knew early on that the relationship had an expiration date. What got me was the way she chose to end it. By email. While we were living together! I told her she couldn’t do that, she had to break up to my face. So she did. A couple of days later she called and said she was leaving for the states the following month to start school and asked if she could stay in my guest room until she left. And like a fool I agreed. That was a torturous time for me, the woman I loved being so close and yet so far. She broke my heart. Score (4-3-2)
Jee Yeun. Wife #4. I met Jee Yeun shortly after Se Hwa had departed. She worked in the beauty salon on base and did my pedicures. I asked her out to dinner, she came home with me, and as I tell the story, she never left. I had warned her that I would be retiring and moving to the Philippines the following year. But she wanted to stay with me until I left. I eventually came to realize that her love was genuine and I decided that having her love in my life was more important than my Philippines dream. So I made a new plan, bought us a fine little house in the states, and went about living the life I thought would always be mine. Until one day it wasn’t. I still have no understanding about why she turned her back on me and everything we had built together. She broke my heart. Score (5-3-2)
Eun Oke. Losing Jee Yeun had shaken my understanding and belief in love to its core. I really thought I was done with all that madness once and for all. And then nine months later I got introduced to Eun Oke. She was fun to hang out with, good company, and a good cure for my loneliness. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t start having feelings for her. I invited her along with me on a trip to the Philippines and we had a blast. Right up until the night before we returned home when she woke me up at o’dark-thirty to tell me she was breaking up with me. A week or so later we decided it was all a misunderstanding and gave it another go. A month later she walked out on me again. This time a mutual friend intervened and convinced me to give her another chance. A few weeks later while I lay coughing on the living room in the middle of the night (my undiagnosed COPD) she packed upher shit and drove away. I’m a “three strikes and you’re out” kinda guy, so that was it for me. And I vowed then and there never again would I be sucked into loving someone. She broke my heart. Score (6-3-2)
Loraine. I met Loraine on Filipina Cupid early in 2016. We chatted for most of the year. I invited her to join me in Puerto Galera as my “tour guide” and welcome in the New Year 2017. She was amazing, especially when I got sick. That got me thinking that I should hire her to be my caregiver, the idea being I’d get everything I needed from a relationship without all the baggage that comes with love. It seemed like the perfect plan. Until it wasn’t. I wound up falling in love with her, but was not honest with her or myself about that. I just assumed she would always stay by my side. Until she didn’t. When I finally confessed my love for her it was too late, she had found someone else. I’m sad about that because she never got to experience what my love would have meant or the life that I had envisioned us sharing. I think she made a mistake giving up on me, but I hope I’m wrong about that. I do want her to have a happy life.She broke my heart. Score (7-3-2).
And there you have it, the sad and sordid story of my love life. Writing about my past has proven much more painful than I anticipated. There are many lessons to be gleaned from this history of mistakes and broken promises. Hard lessons to be sure, but with every goodbye you learn.
I know I am a better man now than I ever was before. For example, I was a good husband to Jee Yeun. She’s the only wife I never cheated on and I always did my best to take care of her. I also think I’m less selfish now than I used to be and my expectations from a relationship are much more realistic. I simply want someone who will care for me in the same way that I will care for her, who will be loyal and stay by my side through good times and bad. I’m easy to please!
Anyway, I’ve come full circle. I’m resolved to live in the moment. Will there be a lucky #13 who will be my lover in the future? I’m open to having love in my life again, but if that is not my destiny then I can at least take comfort in the knowledge that I’ve had a lifetime full of being loved, if only for a while. I can’t live in the past or change those things that have led me to this moment in time. I can only resolve to be the kind of loving and generous man I know I can be.
I will remain optimistic and take comfort in knowing that it only hurts until the pain goes away.
Let her cry, if the tears fall down like rain Let her sing, if it eases all her pain Let her go, let her walk right out on me And if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be Let her be
Well I’ve been out walking I don’t do that much talking these days These days- These days I seem to think a lot About the things that I forgot to do For you And all the times I had the chance to
And I had a lover It’s so hard to risk another these days These days- Now if I seem to be afraid To live the life I have made in song Well it’s just that I’ve been losing so long
I’ll keep on moving Things are bound to be improving these days These days- These days I sit on corner stones And count the time in quarter tones to ten, my friend Don’t confront me with my failures I had not forgotten them
This pretty much captures my “acceptance theory”, although it has proven to be easier said than done. I am however making progress each day, so I’ll be satisfied with that.
Woke up to a snowy morning and more is predicated tonight.
Looking out my front door.
In other news, single life is not all it’s cracked up to be:
Story of my life.
But, it can always be worse I suppose:
I hate when that happens.
Actually, it did kind of happen to me in a way. My first Korean girlfriend (some long time readers may remember Se Hwa) broke up with my via email. While we were living together. That’s about as fucked up as it can get I suppose.
Well, in the category of “what comes next?”, I’m trying to stay in the game, more or less. Finding a suitable woman on dating sites like Filipina Cupid is like looking for a needle in a haystack. I didn’t find a needle there, but I did come across a Gem. Well, Gemma, but she goes by Gem. Technically, she found me I suppose, sending the first tentative “how are you?” message. We’ve been chatting for three or four weeks now, and so far I’ve found nothing wrong with her. Other than she is not the one my heart is aching for. Still, letting go of what’s gone and being satisfied with what remains is my new modis operandi. More or less.
Gem was formerly an OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker) where she worked as a caregiver in Israel. She got fucked over by her Israeli boyfriend in a way that puts my sorrow to shame. He cheated with her best friend (some friend) and knocked her up. That was two years ago and she tells me I’m the first guy since that she’s been willing to take a chance on.
Gem seems to have her shit pretty much together. She tells me she owns a house and condo which she rents out, freelances in real estate, and is doing alright financially. She she just wants someone to love to make her life complete.
And the other night she told me she was sorry, she knows I just want to be friends for now, but she can’t help falling in love with me. Damn, that does freak me out. I guess everyone defines love in their own way, and I’m certainly now open to being in love (better late than never, right?), but like I told her, there’s no way I’d ever fall in love with someone I’ve never met in person. She said she understands that.
I told her she was welcome to join me in Subic for the New Year and she has agreed. She even has a car and is willing to drive us there (she lives in Manila). So, we will see if the in-person chemistry and compatibility tests are successful when we meet and go from there. She seems excited about the week I have planned for us, so it’s a start.
Gem. 49 years old. Two grown daughters. Smart and fun loving. What’s not to like?
Today Facebook reminded me that exactly one year ago I posted a poem on love by Kahlil Gibran. My comment on the poem at the time was “it almost makes me wish I believed in love again”.
I was so arrogantly stupid to believe that I could avoid love or live without it long term. And that stupidity cost me big time. So my heart is now wide open to all possibilities, but I’m not going to be in any hurry. I’m looking forward to getting to know more about Gem and I hope that we get along as well in person as we do online. After that, we’ll just let nature take it’s course.
But at least I’m moving forward again. Baby steps, but forward motion regardless. Wish me luck!
When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, “God is in my heart,” but rather, “I am in the heart of God.” And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
I mentioned the other day that I was going to attempt a 50,000 step walk today. I came up with a two-phase plan. First I would walk around the perimeter of Camp Humphreys, from outside the fence.
This is a crappy picture but the only one I could access. It basically shows Camp Humphreys overlaid on Washington, DC. The point being, it’s a big ass base.
Phase 2 would be taking the long way into Pyeongtaek city. I figured both walks to be about the same in length and I thought they’d get me pretty close to the 50,000 step total I was looking to achieve. But could I actually walk that far? Let’s find out!
I began by putting some fuel in the belly then headed out into the cold morning air around 0715.
I was mildly optimistic…
So, I expended 2058 steps getting to the main gate, then had to return home…
Because like an idiot I forgot to bring my vaping pens…
So as I continued my circumnavigation of the base, I passed the walking gate at 4075 steps.
Passed the Dongchong-ri gate at 6364 steps…
Passed the back side of Eighth Army HQ where I work (the grey building) at 7084 steps.
Made a left turn on the river at 8405 steps.
Passed the railroad trestle at 12,347 steps.
Turned off the river just before the highway bridge at 17,508 steps…
Near the Dodu-ri gate at 18,605 steps.
Entered the deadly quite village of Bonjeong-ri at 21,950 steps.
Got to the CPX gate in 26,397 steps.
And completed the circuit around the base in 29,318 steps.
Made it home at 30,411 steps. I was tired and hungry. Made me this fine lunchee and rested for an hour.
Time to start Phase 2. I usually do this park after work because I can walk it in the dark. But I gave it a once around today as well at 31,648 steps.
Back to the river, but this time I turned right towards Pyeongtaek city which you can see off in the distance. 35,269 steps to this point.
The KTX blew by me at 38,311 steps.
Made it to the bridge into Pyeongtaek at 41,725 steps.
I arrived at Pyeongtaek Station in 43,610 steps.
Ah. Civilization does exist in these parts. Only required 44,183 steps to get there.
And there it is! My I just walked exactly 50,000 fucking steps face!
Made it the rest of the way home and preserved the evidence of a successful day of walking.
I do believe this was a once-in-a-lifetime event for me. I’m tired and sore, but thankfully no blisters or other signs of wear and tear. I do feel a sense of accomplishment which is a good thing for me.
Things are bound to keep getting better. Right?
Turning back the pages to the times I love best I wonder if she’ll ever do the same Now the thing that I call living is just being satisfied With knowing I got no one left to blame
Carefree highway, got to see you my old flame Carefree highway, you seen better days The morning after blues from my head down to my shoes Carefree highway, let me slip away, slip away on you
Less than six months left in my working life. This week I’ve had cause to reflect on how much this part of my life has meant to me, especially these past couple of years.
As I look to the future of what I hope and imagine will be a life of leisure, I worry about how I will remain engaged and connected to the world around me. I’ve got some ideas in that regard, but will they really be satisfying? Only one way to find out I suppose.
So, what is it about working that I will miss? This week I had the occasion to participate in the 198th session of the Status of Forces Agreement (SOFA) Joint Committee. Basically, this is where the ROKs and US representatives get together to resolve issues of mutual concern in order to maintain a strong alliance.
It’s a pretty big deal, and it was really an honor for me to participate in what is very likely my last meeting with this group…
It’s always nice to see my name rendered in Hanguel.
I humbly serve as the Chairman of the Labor subcommittee. Which as you might have surmised is involved in resolving issues associated with our 12,000+ Korean National Workforce.
What else? Well, the money is good of course. And working again has allowed me to position myself to live a very comfortable lifestyle in the Philippines or wherever else my heart will lead me.
Today we had a Thanksgiving luncheon for my staff and afterwards I met with the Korean Employees Union leadership. We we able to bring closure to some longstanding issues and they left happy. There is satisfaction in that.
But what I’m going to miss the most is the people I work with. They are truly my work family. Honestly, after the marriage fell apart I was floundering. Having the purpose that work brought me and the respect and friendship I have for my team members made me feel a part of something much bigger than myself. I needed that the most.
(sorry for the pagination. For whatever reason I can’t seem to get paragraph breaks inserted)
I had mentioned in my previous post that I was upset by what I considered rude behavior by Joy on Friday night. Who knew she was a blog reader? After three days of the silent treatment I received this message from her:
I was rude to you ..???
It’s seems like u never grow up
Me rude to you ??? Ur such a liar …
I even give u a big hug and sit next to ur friend ..whoever he is…
And u took ur stuff move to other table ???
You making a scene ??? U acted like a kid ?
And causing me out ???
I am done with you ….
On your blog u were saying I was rude ?!!! … how about you ??? Ur such a drama king and acted like uneducated person …yelling at me in public telling me I’m a fucking bitch …And u said fuck you three times… U WANT ME TO RESPONSE TO YOUR BLOG ? smh
I hate you ..
Well, I already stated on the blog that I had been in the wrong and that I was sorry for my actions. I did not have a clear recollection of what I said, but I knew it was ugly. I’m very ashamed of myself for overreacting this way. I feel bad because I’m sure Joy got hit with a barrage of emotions I’ve been holding inside since the break-up with Loraine.
I’ve messaged Joy to express my sorrow and regret for hurting her with my words. No response. I ran into her on Monday night at the bar where we met and tried to apologize in person, but she turned her back on me.
And with this post I’ve told the world her side of the story, again taken responsibility for what happened, and said I’m sorry for the last time.
Had a nice surprise visit from my old buddy Duke Gates this weekend. I’ve been knowing Duke since around 2005 when he introduced me to the game of darts. He left Korea several years ago, but we’ve stayed in touch more or less. When I was back living in the states we’d always meet up. Haven’t gone back for almost two years now, so he came to me I guess you could say.
Here’s a strange story from the small world of the internets. I’m not sure where or why, but Duke had posted this picture on some website:
That’s me and Duke I’m guessing around 2010 or so.
Anyway, Duke get’s a random message from this girl:
She works at the dart bar I used to frequent here in Angeong-ri and she recognized me. The question she had for Duke was “is he your father?” That cracked us both up.
Anyway, I had planned to take Duke to the bar I Don’t Know the name of, even though I’m probably not welcome there anymore. But alas, they were hosting some kind of private party and we weren’t able to get inside.
So, there’s a father and not his son enjoying some adult beverages in the ville. We did a pretty nice pub crawl on Friday night.
That night did end on a sour note though. I had invited Joy, a woman I was interested in dating (we’ve had a couple of outings, but nothing too serious), to join us. She said she was tired and it was too cold to go out. Well, pretty near the end of our night out drinking we had settled into a bar called The Wall. And lo and behold, who comes waltzing in but Joy. She didn’t come over to greet me however, she was talking to some of the other girls who work there. I came over to say hello and introduce Duke and she made a grudging acknowledgement and moved over to the bar (sitting on the stool I had previously occupied) and started talking to the bartender. I was a bit taken aback and the bar was full, so Duke and I moved over to an empty table to wait. Then when I look up she’s walking out the door with nary a word or a goodbye.
Now, I was hurt and angry about her rudeness. I was also drunk. So I followed her out to the street and said some shit that I almost immediately regretted. And she stormed off into the night. I tried to send her an apology the next morning, but of course she has blocked me on messenger and is not accepting my calls.
Oh well, that’s the way it goes. I’m ashamed of my behavior but I’ve also lost all interest in having this particular Joy in my life.
I’m pretty much resolved to not pursue any romance for my remaining six months in Korea. There’s really no point. I had dinner with Mi Young the other night which was pleasant enough. I think the friend zone will be a safe place for me to stay while I wait to start my new life in the Philippines.
Well, as the old saw goes, when you get bucked off the horse you gotta climb right back on and ride that motherfucker. Been dipping my toes in the dating pond, at least virtually. In between walking and drinking I’ve filled some hours on the Filipina Cupid dating website. It’s a swamp full of scammers and pretenders, but if you are patient you can ferret out some folks who seem at least mildly interesting.
So the way I see it, I’m a well-educated man, successful in most things (excluding love, but no one’s perfect), financially secure, and reasonably attractive for an older gentleman. When I retire to the Philippines next year I’ll certainly be able to give some lucky Filipina a life beyond her wildest imagination. The trick is finding the one who is worthy of all that I have to offer.
I’ve had literally hundreds of women “expressing interest”, indicating I’m their “favorite” and messaging me thus far on Filipina Cupid. While this is certainly soothing to my wounded ego, it’s also a bit of a pain in the ass to sort the wheat from the chaff. My parameters are age 35-50, reasonably attractive, and intelligent enough to hold a decent conversation. The qualities I require include honesty, loyalty and a willingness to stay by my side and care for me through good times and bad. Of course, discerning those attributes over the internet (even pictures can lie) is no easy task. I do read the profiles carefully, and if someone has put forth the effort to actually write something of significance about themselves, I’ll sometimes shoot them a message and start a conversation.
Thus far I’ve identified four potentially worthy of my time. The first one is 41 year old caregiver named Teri, who happens to live in the exact part of Manila where Loraine resides. I’ve not broached the subject, but I expect odds are low that they may actually know each other. Then there is Cora, a 39 year old nurse from elsewhere in Manila. The third is Prences, 38 who does something or other for the city government. And the latest find is 36 year old Jhanez who purports to be some kind of “artist” and lives in a part of the Philippines I’ve never heard of. It’s very early in the vetting process and I’ve only had a video chat with Teri thus far. There’s a long way to go with all of them and I’m in no particular hurry to get there anyway. I certainly won’t be making a decision on any of them (and there will certainly be others) until I’ve met them in person.
And that’s the thing. May is still over 6 months away. I’m not going to start another relationship until I’m on the ground and settled. I could conceivably offer someone the opportunity to be my tour guide when I next visit at the end of December. Teri and Cora have already volunteered to do so but I’ll need to have a lot higher comfort level with anyone I commit to spend my vacation with. Chemistry indeed!
Meanwhile, here in the 3-D world things are much the same as they have always been. I’ve been trying to get a little Joy (a 49 year old Filipina-American I met who works on base) in my life, but thus far we’ve only connected once for dinner at my place (and she brought her roommate with her). We do have regular FB messenger chats. My attempts at courtship are for some reason not being reciprocated. I expect it could be because my departure from Korea is only 6 months away, so what’s the point? My counter argument is that we could at least have some fun and companionship in the interim. I haven’t given up, but I’ll cop to being somewhat frustrated.
I’ve also taken up an English tutoring gig to help my friend Mi Young better her skills so she can get the dental hygienist position she covets at the army base clinic. It’s mostly just conversation, but I do assign her homework which consists of me picking out a blog post from my archives and requiring her to read it and discuss it with me over coffee. Yeah, I’m a bastard to make her suffer through my blog ramblings. We had a very nice conversation last night and she is showing improvement. I’m still stuck firmly in the friend zone with her, but honestly I’m very comfortable there. She is full of wisdom and insights and has really helped me come to terms with this latest heartbreak. I admire and respect her and would not want to ruin that by trying to pursue a romance (which she has made clear she doesn’t want anyway). She did give me a peck on the lips when she left last night, so there’s that.
And that’s where things stand. I’m in no man’s (no woman’s?) land—stuck somewhere between my life in Korea and my coming life in the Philippines. In the meantime I will practice being patient and learning to be satisfied with this beautiful life I’m living.
Stay tuned!
I can see clearly now Loraine is gone I can see all obstacles in my way Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind It’s gonna be a bright (bright) Bright (bright) sunshiny day It’s gonna be a bright (bright) Bright (bright) sunshiny day
Oh, yes I can make it now the pain is gone All of the bad feelings have disappeared Here is that rainbow I’ve been praying for It’s gonna be a bright (bright) Bright (bright) sunshiny day
Against the advice of the vast majority of my friends, I stayed in the fight for Loraine’s heart. She was clearly conflicted and torn between two loves. We did a three hour video chat Saturday morning, and when we finished Loraine said she wanted to share a life with me.
I was ecstatic and throughout the remainder of the day we exchanged messages about our future plans and she said several times how happy she was. I even joked about how every Saturday we were in love again but from now on every day would be Saturday. We were going to meet in Hong Kong next week to celebrate our love.
And then late last night she sent me a message. “I’m sorry, I love Kev more than you” . And then she blocked me on Facebook.
I walked right into that sucker punch again. And it hurts. But, at least now I know I did everything in my power to fight for the love I had discovered in my heart. And I lost the fight. But at least now I have closure. I wish Loraine and Kev all that they deserve in the future.
I averaged over 20,000 steps each day this week trying to calm my emotions, including a three hour trek to Pyeongtaek this morning. In the good news department I’ve now lost over 12 pounds in a week. I don’t recommend the broken heart diet plan however.
Walking my blues away. It didn’t work yesterday. I’ll try again today.
In my long and storied history of failed love relationships, none were shorter than the one with Loraine, which lasted all of about 24 hours.
On Saturday we had chatted and expressed our excitement with our new boyfriend/girlfriend status. We exchanged some email, the last of which from Loraine stated:
My dearest John.I am very happy and yes.We need to be strong and face the challenges to keep our relationship work and keep the love more stronger. I Love You more John.
And then on Sunday she disappeared again. I feared the worst, that she was back with Kev. I frantically sent her messages and tried to call her, all to no avail. Finally, after several hours she sent me a photo and said she was at the mall. With who? I asked. She said she was alone, then disappeared again. A couple of hours later she claimed to still be at the mall. I asked her if she was committed to me, and she replied “to you, and you only”. Finally she sent a message late that night saying she was going home and for me to get some rest. She still would not answer my calls or messages. So, I knew in my heart what she had done.
I didn’t hear from her again until lunchtime today. I had sent a ton of messages and all but begged her to respond. She finally did and my worst fears were confirmed. Yes, she was with Kev. He promised to marry her, adopt her daughter, and move them to the UK. So, it was over with me.
I’m still reeling. I guess I could understand and accept that she felt like she had a better opportunity. But the lies and deceit were like twisting the knife in my shattered heart. I’m actually devastated and not sure what to do next. Well, nothing I can do be start trying to get over it.
When we first got together as GF/BF she told me it was an answer to her prayers. I guess the Lord truly does work in mysterious ways. I couldn’t sleep last night and I prayed for wisdom and comfort (I never pray except when I know I’m in deep trouble spiritually and emotionally). So I’m taking comfort in knowing that I found out how little my love for her meant sooner rather than later. I wasted 7 years on the last wife.
I’ve written about my caregiver Loraine here before, I guess most recently in a post called “Paying it Forward”. A woman I truly admire and respect.
Unfortunately, I had to let her go.
When I first employed Loraine I made it clear that I was never going to love again. If she was looking for love she needed to keep on looking. She told me that her family was all the love she needed and she wanted the job. And so I prepared a formal employment contract and the deal was done.
Frankly, it was wonderful having her as my tour guide and caregiver on my recent journeys to the PI. I paid to send her to massage therapy school and she is currently enrolled in a caregiver certification course. She seems to be doing well with her studies and is happy for the opportunity. And I was looking forward to a future where I could benefit from that training.
When I’m not in the Philippines Loraine has provided care and comfort by keeping track of my blood pressure readings, sending me health tips she finds on the internet, greeting me in the morning and sending me messages during the day and evening to let me know someone is this great big world was thinking of me.
And then earlier this month on our visit to Boracay (a trip I made specifically to celebrate her birthday) she kept getting text messages from a guy in the UK named Kev. She insisted there were just chat friends, but I suspected otherwise.
And sure enough, I noted that my contact with Loraine had diminished quite a bit. I suspected something was going on, and those suspicions were confirmed when I discovered her “chat buddy” was in the Philippines to visit her.
Loraine told me that she needed love in her life and I could never give her that. She wanted to take the opportunity to explore those feelings with Kev. And then she proceeded to accuse me of having sexual relations with many women in Korea. Ha! In my dreams! Regular readers know just how empty and pathetic my life here is.
Well, her actions as described above violated the terms of her employment contract, although to be fair, seeing another man was not specifically included, but it was implied. So, I had no choice but to terminate her employment.
And I’ll be damned. Making that decision was very painful. It made me face the fact that despite all my brave talk, I did in fact really care for her on an emotional level. I had taken much comfort in thinking I would have her with me when I make my big move to the PI next year. The prospect of losing her hurt me in the same way that losing a love does. I don’t know how that can be when you have vowed to never love again, but there it was hitting me square between the eyes. Whatever you call it, being emotionally attached to someone makes you vulnerable and subject to heartbreak. I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up and face that fact.
So, I had a long talk with Loraine to let her know how I felt. And then I fired her.
In other news, I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Loraine.
Well you only need the light when it’s burning low Only miss the sun when it starts to snow Only know you love her when you let her go Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low Only hate the road when you’re missing home Only know you love her when you let her go And you let her go
My favorite bartender quit her job this week. She was good at what she did but was not really cut out for the work, or at least not the way bars seem to operate here in Anjeong-ri. She shared with me some of the frustrations she encountered in the biz and while I was not surprised it was still disappointing. Here’s the lowdown:
Way back in 2009 I wrote about juicy bars and prostitution. My experience was pretty much limited to what I had seen in Itaewon. This burg is a whole other animal. A juicy bar is a joint where the girls work for drinks. It’s usually a lounge type bar where you sit with the girl and chat while she downs W10,000 drinks. And that was about the only reason you’d have to visit such a venue. By the time I left Itaewon there were only a handful of this type bar left. Most of the bars were regular pub type establishments with pool and darts and food and regulars just hanging out (like Shenanigans for example). You could buy the bar staff a drink if you wanted (and they felt like drinking) but it was always customer price.
So I was somewhat taken aback when I first explored the Anjeong-ri bar scene. I’d go into what appeared to a regular pub and get hit up for a lady drink. Now, I don’t mind buying the occasional drink for a hard working girl, but I really hate being asked. As time went on I discovered that virtually ALL of the bars here operate on the “juicy” principle (girl gets a W10,000 drink, and her share is W5,000). These aren’t regular drinks either, they are watered down versions or alcohol-free juice. It really gets tiresome being pestered for drinks by the staff, so I’ve tried to find places where they will at least leave me alone until I offer. My friend the (former) bartender was one of those.
After quitting, she explained to me the horrendous pressure the bar owners put on them to hustle drinks. It begins with paying a ridiculously low salary so the girls will feel compelled to supplement their income with lady drinks. Now, I enjoyed my friend’s company, so I’d normally buy her a drink with every one of mine (which gets expensive real quick, no idea how these young soldiers I see buying lady drinks can afford it). She told me about a customer we both like who never buys a lady drink. The owner would get mad if she talked to him, saying he should be ignored until he bought I drink. I said, well you know, the owner wants you to talk to other customers who will hopefully buy you a drink. She told me no, even when the bar is empty I’m not supposed to chat with someone not buying drinks.
Well, that’s fucked up. And it made me recall a bar I visited before I understood “the system” here. I mean, I’m used to ordering up a beer and having some small talk with the bartender (provided she’s not busy). But this one just moved down to the far end of the bar and sat there. I was thinking what the hell did I do to piss her off? Now I know. Another bartender I like asked me one night to rate her as a bartender. I told her I thought she was a solid “8” (great personality, good conversation, just not that cute). I asked her why she wanted to know and she said the owner told her she was just a “2” because customers don’t buy her enough lady drinks.
Oh, and the bars hire these undocumented Filipinas and pay them even less than the Korean staff. This is not only unfair and exploitative, it forces these girls to be even more aggressive in pursuit of lady drinks.
Damn, obviously I’m spending too much time in the bars. But at this rate there won’t be many bars left that I can countenance to patronize. I’m actually down to three now. And yes, the girls in those bars also work for drinks, but they have the good sense not to pester me for one. They get their share out of me (especially when I’m drunk) but they at least create the illusion that it is not expected.
I would love to open a bar here and run it the right way. Ain’t gonna happen of course because I hate the idea of running a bar. But the bar scene here needs a kick in the ass, that’s for sure.
While I was in the Philippines I received a message from a Filipina I know that used to work in a bar I sometimes frequented. I Don’t Know the name (ahem). Anyway, she quit at the end of September and got engaged to some lucky guy. Apparently, the bar owner was not happy with her leaving and decided to punish her by not giving her the salary she had earned. Was there anything I could do?
I suggested she contact the ROK Ministry of Employment and Labor whom I would surmise take a dim view of a business owner treating an employee like a slave. She told me she couldn’t do that because she was working without a visa. But of course.
Well, that kind of exploitation really pisses me off. I promised her I’d see what I could do when I returned. What we have is a bar that hires undocumented workers knowing they have no recourse for whatever abuse they may dish out. But not paying someone for work performed is completely over the top. So, USFK has strict rules regarding prostitution and human trafficking. Bars that violate those rules are subject to being placed off limits to USFK personnel (soldiers, civilians, and contractors). That’s the kiss of death for any bar that is placed off limits because that’s the entire customer base in Anjeong-ri.
I know of no prostitution in the bar I Don’t Know the name of. But as I reviewed USFK’s definition of what constitutes human trafficking, one example was refusing to pay an employee for time worked. I thought I could make the case to the Provost Marshal should I be compelled to file a formal complaint.
I didn’t want to do that if I didn’t have to. It’s the nuclear option and I figured it would make me persona non grata with the local bar association. So I reached out to a couple of friends that know this bar owner and asked them to intercede and try to convince said owner to do the right thing. I also asked them to convey to her that if she failed to pay what was rightly due to the former employee I was prepared to raise the issue with USFK. I said I was moving forward if she wasn’t paid by Monday.
Apparently that created a bit of a shit storm, but today my Filipina acquaintance advised the bar owner said she would pay her tomorrow. Mission accomplished! She also told me the bar owner wants me to come to the bar and apologize to her! What the fuck? Obviously that ain’t happening and I have no intention of ever patronizing that bar again. I Don’t Know why I would. Except for the darts. Oh well, I’ll take the game up again after my move to the PI.
Well, it’s Sunday so I reckon y’all are expecting to see some photos of my glorious weekend. Here you go:
That was me living life on the edge in the Philippines.
That’s me drunk.
That’s me sober.
That’s what an autumn day looks like here in the countryside…
That plant is known as “the answer” or so I surmised when I observed it blowing in the wind. Ahem.
That’s one big ass spider!
That’s my Sunday dinner…
And that’s me at 25 and totally clueless. Now that I think about it, not much has changed.
And there you have it. How about some Hunter S. Thompson for dessert?
My week in the Philippines allowed me to practice patience by accepting the fact that much there is not as it could or should be. If you cannot accept that simple truth, you will be very unhappy living in “paradise”. I’m still a work in progress in that regard, but I am getting better at “taking a deep breath, relaxing, and accepting the Filipino way”.
One afternoon as I sat drinking ice cold San Miguel Light beers beach side, it occurred to me that the concept of acceptance might have some applicability to what remains of my life here in Korea. Accepting that things are not always as I would desire them to be doesn’t make my “problems” go away, but it allows at least some additional perspective that in the grand scheme of things those problems are relatively meaningless. Certainly being in a poverty ridden third world country underscores that point.
I am not so naïve as to think that acceptance will equate to happiness, but I’d certainly settle for a little peace of mind. Practically speaking, here’s how I see the concept of acceptance working:
Accept that the past is the past. There’s no going back, there’s no fixing it, there’s nothing to be gained by feeling sad about what is lost. It’s gone, let it be.
Accept that negative thinking doesn’t make things better. I spend a lot of time in my head pondering about what I don’t have, lamenting my solitary existence, wishing for something better. It’s pointless. Instead I want to focus my attention outwards, helping others where I can, and taking satisfaction in my existence making a positive difference for those I am able to touch. That’s certainly my post-retirement plan, perhaps I can get a head start now.
Accept that future plans are fraught with potential disappointment. Instead, I’ll keep an open mind to whatever may lie ahead in life, while endeavoring to live in the moment. As the old saying goes, “today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday”. I’m going to seek to be satisfied with each day as it comes, knowing that a bad day will give way to a new day.
So, that’s the idea. It’s in the early stages of implementation, but already I’ve noted that I can repel the sadness (more or less) by simply uttering “acceptance!” People probably think I’m crazy when I do, but I can accept that.
Take a deep breath, relax, and accept the Filipino way. Repeat as necessary.
I said that a lot on the way to Boracay.
The one hour Cebu Pacific flight from Manila to Caticaylan airport went without a hitch. Getting from that small airport to Boracay requires transport to the ferry depot, a short ferry ride to Boracay island, and then transport to your hotel. During the flight it was announced that Cebu Pacific was now offering a package that would take you from the airport direct to your hotel all for just 550 pesos ($11). Well, that seemed like a good deal just for the convenience factor so I ponied up the money.
So we land and deplane onto waiting buses. Not unusual for small airports with no jet ways. What I had never experienced before was having the bus exit the airport, drive through some small villages, and arriving at a small terminal 15 minutes later. Well, I call it a terminal, it just seemed to be a room for bag claim. Anyway, retrieved my luggage and walked outside where I was besieged by touts offering transportation. I said no, I’ve already bought a ride from Cebu Pacific. It took me awhile to figure out that Southwestern Tours was the contractor for this service. Someone eventually pointed to a waiting van across the street. The van driver told me I had to go this nearby window to get my ticket. The ticket I got on the plane was just a voucher for the real ticket. And so began the ordeal.
I was only second in line, but damn, you wouldn’t believe the paperwork. I had to fill out a form, then receipts were printed, taxes (a 75 peso “environment” tax) collected, and so on. I was then handed a stack of paper to carry with me and directed to board the van with about 20 other travelers. We drove through some fairly heavy traffic for such a small village, but arrived at the ferry in due course. Where we stood in line to go through security, including x-rays of the baggage. Then we stood in another line where some of the paper I had been issued was collected. We were then directed to the line for the ferry entrance, where more paper was taken from my stack. There were lots of ferries to choose from, but I eventually found the Southwestern Tours boat. I boarded and waited. And waited.
Once we were full-up we made the quick trip (maybe 10 minutes) across the water and finally arrived at Boracay island. Where we waited some more for a van to take us to our hotel. I guess we had ten people in our van, and of course my hotel was the last one on the list. Worse than that, it was just shy of total gridlock the entire way. Who knew there could be so much traffic on such a small island?
Two hours later (no shit, two hours from the airport to my hotel, a total distance that couldn’t be more than 15 kms or so) I arrived. Sort of. My hotel is at the far end of the beach and the road doesn’t go that far. Seriously, it was a two block walk through the sand to get to the hotel.
I repeated my mantra like a Catholic praying to Mary for most of the ride. Welcome to the Philippines!
So, that was the bad part. So far, Boracay has been pretty nice otherwise. Just some quick geography before we go to the pictures. Boracay is divided into three stations. The ferry arrives at Station 3, most of the tourist resorts are in Station 2, and my hotel is at the far end of Station 1. At first I was distressed at being so far from the “action” but after witnessing that action, I’m very pleased to be on the relatively quiet end of the island.
The ferry port, Station 3 Boracay island.
The view from my hotel..the Aritista. Not bad, eh?
The beach at Station 3 Boracay. My hotel is at the end of the beach…
The Station 3 water view…
The Spider House. Had dinner here the first night. Interesting set of stairs to get up there and really cool ambiance and views. Food was mediocre and the service was worse than terrible.
Sunset on the water…
And the harvest moon…
The water is crystal clear here. Puts Subic to shame in that regard.
Took a goodly long walk yesterday (22,000 steps all told). Most of it was on the beach, but this was part of the trail as well. Would not walk it at night or after drinking though…
Who says there are no virgins in the Philippines?
Lots of beachside bars like this…
Beautiful places, smiling faces…
I’ve only tried muff diving…
Station 2 beach scene. Now you can see why I’m glad to be in Station 1. I’d say 85% of the tourists here are Korean and Chinese.
Lots of Hanguel signage and Korean food. And to a lesser degree, Chinese as well. Clearly catering to their tourist base.
Lots of diving places back in Station 3.
This is the National Highway that runs the length of the island. The only highway apparently. Very narrow two lane. And as I mentioned, it often results in gridlock. I walked back to the hotel this way and it was not pleasant. I’ll stick to the beach from here on out. This is also why I’m unlikely to ever return here. Lots of new hotels under construction but no work on the supporting infrastructure. What is bad now is only going to get worse.
Last night I helped my tour guide/caregiver Loraine celebrate her 50th birthday…
A restaurant I will NOT be trying. What next, a building named Trump?
And that pretty much captures the highlights of Day 2.
Came across this site in a wooded area on yesterday’s hike. Thankfully, civilians are not allowed. Unless I wasn’t supposed to take the picture.
It should come as no surprise that I’m not particularly happy with my life here, so why stay? As commenter Brian pointed out, you can’t add time to the back end of your retirement. Well, here’s my thinking on the subject. Although my thinking is subject to change.
To begin, technically I’m still retired since I’m drawing my full pension. In the parlance of Uncle Sam, I’m a re-employed annuitant. So one way to look at it is that I’ve taken up a forty hour per week hobby with some pretty lucrative benefits.
When I originally left government service on December 31, 2010 I had a plan and most importantly, someone to share my planned life with. Initially I was kept engaged with seeing my parents off on their voyage to the afterlife, then dealing with matters of their passing as the executor of the estate. I also had to set up residence for myself and Jee Yeun, finding a house and having it remodeled, and furnishing said house. There were the kids and grandkids to spend time with, dart leagues to found and run, and some travel to enjoy as well. And with the six months there, six months in Korea routine it kept things from getting stale. Which is not to say it was never boring, but it was a comfortable life that I expected I would live until the end of my days.
Then one day it was all gone. A betrayal I’ll never fully understand or completely recover from. Well, life goes on (until it doesn’t) and having a job and what passes as a social life with my work family gave me some meaning and purpose. I’m not sure I would have made it otherwise.
Now I find myself back in the job I left when I retired and living in lovely Pyeongtaek. I had planned to re-retire prior to the the move, but was convinced to stay through the transition to Camp Humphreys. My employees (bless their hearts) think I’m the greatest boss ever and don’t want me leave. I seem to be respected and appreciated by the command leadership and that feels good. And not to brag, but my organization has really stepped up and filled some voids. We have a “can do” reputation and I’m very proud of all that my team has accomplished. Which is a long way of saying I do derive a lot of satisfaction from my working life and it is not really a burden to show up each day and do what (little) I do.
Well, all things must pass and I have told my people that I will not stay beyond May. Nothing real magical about that day, other than it is when the lease expires on this big ass house I’m living in (for free). And in reality, I can leave anytime between now and then (with a 30 day notice to the landlord) if I decide circumstances warrant bailing out.
And there’s the rub. There is nothing wrong with my life here. Other than the fact that I’m unhappy with it. I’m bored, lonely, and far too often, drunk. That lifestyle is unsustainable. But I know that until I figure out how to transform myself, those symptoms will likely continue wherever I am living.
What to do, what to do? A girlfriend would be nice except that a) I’m incapable of love and b) I don’t want to get roped into a relationship that is doomed to end in just a few short months. So I’m going to have find a way to deal with the boredom and loneliness on my own. And preferably without the alcohol crutch. I’m floundering some now, but I’m confident I’ll find my way out.
Does it get any better than this? I sure as hell hope so!
So looking ahead to my new life in the Philippines, what will I do to keep myself occupied and engaged without the benefit of a full-time and meaningful job? Good question. Here’s what I envision:
I’ll have my employee available to assist me and take care of me. That should help some. I’ll have a dog or two. Dogs never complain about not having a happy life and then abandon you. I could use that kind of loyalty in my golden years. I’m still struggling with what my “purpose” will be in retired life. I envision myself becoming more engaged with the Fil-Am orphanage I have assisted during my recent trips to the PI. And I have it in mind to do some other regular charity work, I’m just not sure what that will be yet. I’ll play in the dart league and join the local Hashers hopefully making some new friends along the way. Maybe that will be enough.
So there’s lots of work to be done in the meantime. I do appreciate all the support and encouragement my loyal readers provide in the comments.
So, a Korean friend sent me this in messenger. Even personalized it. Yeah, I got the message.
friend zone
noun
informal
a situation in which a friendship exists between two people, one of whom has an unreciprocated romantic or sexual interest in the other.
“I always wind up in the friend zone, watching them pursue other guys”
Lord knows over the course of a lifetime I’ve both been locked up in friend zone jail and done the incarceration. I understand the frustration and disappointment that goes along with unrequited emotional attachments. But, there are worse things. Honestly speaking, in this case it was almost a relief. I’ve been down that road too many times to think it will lead to anywhere other than a dead end.
I’m not going to love or be loved, notwithstanding the occasional weak moment of temptation. The fact of the matter is that I do get lonely and I do crave companionship. And yes, I wouldn’t mind getting laid now and then. Friends with benefits would work just fine, but alas there are no prospects on the horizon.
Seven months left in Korea. Ten days until my next visit to the Philippines. I’ll get by I reckon.
In other news, these three stories were listed in order on Drudge yesterday:
And finally the secret to happiness is revealed: Sex and Sleep are the keys to happiness. Well damn, I’m so horny I can’t sleep. I’m not happy about that. I’d say I’m screwed but I’m not.
At least I have the friend zone.
I hope the day will be a lighter highway For friends are found on every road Can you ever think of any better way For the lost and weary travelers to go?
Making friends for the world to see Let the people know you got what you need With a friend at hand you will see the light If your friends are there, then everything’s all right
Well, I see it has been a week since my last post. Regular readers have probably discerned that I must be in one of my moods. Yeah, I’m in a funk but don’t worry, I’m not going to go there. Much.
Let’s just say that I continue to struggle with the emptiness that is my life. I won’t allow anyone to fill that void with love (and yes, the opportunity has presented itself) and so I have to fight to keep the sadness at bay. Some days are worse than others in that regard, but I know I’ve been blessed in so many ways that I don’t let myself sink too deeply into despair and self-pity. I have the power to change my life but for whatever reason I seem incapable of doing so. So far at least.
Okay, enough of that! I continue with my WWBD (work, walk, bike, drink) lifestyle. Work is work but it at least provides some purpose. Walking gives me lots of time to think, but that’s not always a good thing. Biking is something to fill some weekend daytime hours. And lately, drinking is what I do best. Every fucking night of the week (but only to excess on the weekend). But hey, it’s what passes as my social life.
Well, I’m a bar stool genius – I can solve the world’s problems Without even trying I have dozens of friends and the fun never ends That is, as long as I’m buying
Who knew I’d be living the lyrics to an old Styx song?
Hey don’t go! I’ve got pictures!
See, I can still find something to smile about. This was posted above the urinal in an SK gas station I visited on one of my weekend walks…
So near and yet so far. On this side of the fence is where I work, on the other…freedom! Well, I’ve postponed my imminent retirement date. I’ve already announced to my staff that I’ll be gone no later than May. Sooner if need be.
So, I get this weird email from a stranger asking me if I knew how to contact the owner of this beached boat. A victim of Hurricane Irma. I spent the night with my old high schools friends on the Second Chance for New Year’s 2012. When I asked the emailer how she found me she said a Google search turned up this blog post. Interesting. I’ve lost touch with Rod and Patty but I’m not sure it’s the same boat anyway.
And the seasons they go round and round. I watched the rice being planted when I arrived down here. And now I’m watching the harvest.
My trusty river rider parked at the only restrooms you’ll find for over an hour in either direction…
On Saturday I rode to the end of the trail on one side of the river…
And on Sunday my way was blocked by this collapsed bridge which had been under construction. That’s only one section, the whole damn thing came down.
But at least there were flowers to enjoy along the way.
It seems I keep missing this delivery truck when he comes by my place…
I took a trip out to Osan AFB to do some shopping. And that meant rewarding myself with some Arby’s. The French Dip was outstanding!
There’s no Namsan to walk around here, but I make do…
The weather has cooled off to where I can almost walk in comfort…
So many choices in life. Maybe one day I will make the right one…
A park…
And another park.
The path less traveled. But I took it anyway.
Death always looms large, but I just walked on by.
A juxtaposition. Gawd, I’ve been wanting to find an excuse to use that word!
And then it was “back” home. Ahem.
Been keeping the grill fired up…
And I was even on TV! CCTV, but still…
That’s how I look on a drunken Saturday night. Kinda crazed, don’t you think?
It’s not the life I chose nor the life I wanted, but it is most assuredly the life I have. And I can live with that.
Peace out!
One morning I woke up and I knew you were really gone A new day, a new way, and new eyes to see the dawn Go your way, I’ll go mine and carry on
Some of you may remember the movie Pay it Forward. I got to thinking about it the other day while walking. The basic premise is that when someone does you a favor, rather than pay it back you pass it along by doing someone else a favor. It’s actually a pretty sweet concept.
Well, I’m a notoriously selfish bastard (just ask my ex-wives). But that doesn’t mean I’m incapable of performing a good deed now and again. And sometimes through an otherwise selfish act you can end up unintentionally helping folks out.
For example, I’ve mentioned in passing the woman I’ve employed in the Philippines to be my personal assistant/caregiver once I retire there. Obviously that has not happened yet, although Loraine does serve as my tour guide when I visit in the interim. While I’m not there I’ve been sending her to school to learn the skills (massage and caregiving) that will hopefully make my retired years more comfortable and lengthy.
Now, I didn’t have to employ someone months before I retire but Loraine seemed like a good fit for the job and she needed the income. I guess you could characterize that as an act of generosity (charitably speaking), but also a clearly selfish motivation on my part (didn’t want someone else to hire her before I arrived). And she’s doing good stuff for me, like keeping track of my blood pressure (I send her the readings each morning), scouring the internet for articles that pertain to whatever I may be complaining about at any given time, and being an understanding ear when I need one. So far I’d say it’s a win-win.
Loraine is a smart gal who’s never really had the opportunity to pursue formal education. She’s spent her adult life working in mostly menial jobs to support her family. These often required her to toil long hours in far away countries (Hong Kong, the Middle East, Vietnam). I certainly respect that like so many Filipinos she sacrificed and did what was necessary to survive. So it has been especially satisfying for me to see how dedicated she has been to taking full advantage of the opportunity to learn new skills. She has this thirst for knowledge that is quite impressive. With my luck she will use her training to get a better job, but I’ll still be proud of her for making the effort.
But here is the point of this post (yes, there is one!). As part of her caregiver on-the-job training she has been working long shifts at a school for special needs children. Some have physical disabilities, others have emotional and learning disorders. It’s been a real challenge for her in many ways, but she has risen to that challenge. She’s been going above and beyond the program requirements, spending her own time and money to prepare visual and other learning aids for the kids. She told me about one malnourished child who never has food at break time, so she shares hers. Most of all she feels satisfaction with knowing she is making a difference for these kids by being there. And she says that would not have been possible if I hadn’t put her in the program.
So, she is paying the opportunity forward. And if in some small way my selfish act in hiring her has facilitated that, well hell yeah, I’ll share in the joy. I’m already thinking that when I retire I may have her do volunteer work at a school or nursing home as part of her job. Heh. Hiring folks to do the charity work on my behalf seems to suit my nature, don’t you think?
