I got to thinking (shuddup!) on my morning walk today. It occurred to me that there is no future for me to worry about. I’m not sure that this realization constitutes an epiphany, I mean, it’s not like I’ve been working towards any goal attainment or making other future-driven plans. Probably the last thing I aspired to do was finding a true and lasting love to share my life with. Having let go of that dream for good I have to face the fact that this life I’m living is all there is and all there ever will be. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that is a bad thing, I’m just consciously accepting the reality of my situation.

I’m 65 years old. What kind of future goals could I expect to achieve in the ten or fifteen years (if I’m lucky) I have left here on earth? I’m retired, so there is nothing work-related to accomplish. I’m living on a pension, so for better or worse, what I have now is all I’m ever going to have. Of course, there are things I still aspire to do, like travel, but under the current lockdown circumstances throughout the world that’s not possible. So it would seem that all my dreams are in the past. Perhaps that explains why nearly all my brain comforting fantasies involve going backward in time.

But here in the real world, this day is what I have. Like yesterday was and tomorrow will be. There is a Groundhog Day quality to the sameness of it all. Hell, you’ve read the blog. I wake up, I hike, I drink, I sleep, and then do it all over again. And again. Sure, some of the details and people around me change day-to-day, but the reality is that this life is what I’ve chosen and this life is what I’ll be living until it ends. I suspect that even the invocation of Plan B (moving to Cambodia) would only change the location, but not the substance of my life. Such as it is.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this life I’ve chosen is a bad thing. Indeed, I reckon some people would say I’m living the dream. Nothing is perfect and I have my share of disappointments and frustrations, but I honestly cannot think of anywhere else I’d want to be or that would make me happier. I’ve likened Barretto to those retirement communities I used to see in Arizona when I was a young man. But this one I’m living in is like nothing I could have imagined back then. Yeah, we’ve got our share of crotchety old fuckers but we are surrounded by brown-skinned beauties willing to service our needs and desires. And I don’t just mean sex, although that is obviously available too. I’ve got friends and acquaintances I can hang out with who share some of my passions and interests. There are the Hash and darts, and of course, the bars to keep me entertained. And every morning when I walk the dogs and look around me I’m still astounded by the natural beauty of my surroundings, even after nearly three years of living here.

So, this day and all the days to come are my future. I’m okay with that.

And so it goes.

Highlights from the previous 24 hours, such as they are.

Did a bit of a bar crawl last evening. Started out in the newest joint in town called The Green Room. The latest addition to Dave Fisher’s empire known as The Maze. The Green Room is a bit different in that it is a sports bar format–no stage, no dancing girls. I did get a nice back massage while I was sitting there though. Also had a good chat with Dave.

Moved up the street to Hot Zone and enjoyed a couple of beers with the owner, Jay. Not busy but a couple of cuties on stage. Part of the rules allowing bars to reopen include purchasing food, so I bought some kind of meat on a stick and gave them to the girls. One other customer in the place and Jay invited him to our table. Turns out he’s the Captain of some massive yacht anchored in Subic Bay. Interesting guy.

Then I moved on down to my regular haunt, Mangos. I got there later than normal so it was dark and the beach was deserted. I ordered up a salad with chicken strips and ranch dressing. It was pretty good. A couple of beers and headed for home. It was raining so I took a trike. And thanks to the curfew, I was in bed by 9 p.m.

Early to bed and early to rise, wise or not, I was up at 4:30 and feeling healthy. Turns out Iline is also an early riser and we got to chatting. I invited her over and she agreed to come see me, telling me she would run from her place (around 2K or so). I was a little concerned about her running in the dark but she said she does it all the time. I finally convinced her to wait until 5:30 when the sun was rising. And then she arrived by trike because it had started to rain. Oh well.

So, we had some coffee and chat, I fed the dogs and she joined me when I walked Buddy (Lucky opted not to come). Iline told me about her workout routines which start with 300 jumping jacks! It reminded me a little of when I did some exercising so I dug out my elastic bands and abdomen wheel and we fooled around with that for a bit. I may be inspired to start up again although I’m never going to be in Iline’s league. That girl is fit!

The rain had quit so I took Iline on one of my regular hikes, mostly flat and around 7K. That was, of course, nothing to her but we did have some good convo and I really enjoyed having her company as we walked.

Oh, and here’s the postmortem on Mary. We were supposed to have gotten together yesterday. In fact, she was planning to spend the night. I put a kibosh on that idea but she was persistent. Even telling me all the things she would do for me in the bedroom. I briefly toyed with the idea of fucking her hard and then fucking her over by sending her home, but it just wasn’t worth it. No point in being vindictive to the little scammer. She was back at it this morning wanting to come over, messaging and calling (which I didn’t answer). Her last message was “are you busy?”. I responded “Yes, busy moving on with my life. You should too.” That seemed to do the trick as I haven’t heard from her since.

And that my friends brings you pretty much up to date. I’m planning to go to Olongapo with Iline tomorrow for some much needed shopping. My hiking shoes are shot, my underwear needs replacing, and I could use some more socks. Exciting times here for me. No idea what the future holds but I’m in a “bring it on, bitch!” mode these days. That’s a nice change.

On the menu for today: A couple of quick updates for my faithful followers and then a slew of photos from yesterday’s hike. Let’s get to it!

I didn’t hear from Mary before falling asleep last night, but this morning I woke to a message asking me to buy her a laptop so she could enroll in school. Hmm, where have I heard that before? Anyway, I sent a message telling her she might be in luck because I had just ordered a new computer for me and perhaps we could work something out for her to acquire my old one. She responded that she can’t enroll in school now because she doesn’t have tuition money. Would I be willing to help with that? I reminded her that she has been unwilling to do anything for me in return for my generosity. I haven’t heard anything from her since then. It’s kind of funny seeing how she operates. It’s all about the cash. Once I insisted on paying for the MRI with my credit card, suddenly it was never mentioned again. When I potentially offered a used laptop, she suddenly decided that it was the tuition she required. And yet, when I hint at a quid pro quo she seems to lose all interest in the transaction. Anyway, it’s all kind of amusing now that I’m on to her, especially since she doesn’t know it!

My big news is that I’m going to have a guest for lunch today–my friend Ilene (the one who tipped me off about Mary). Out of the blue, she suggested we get together, something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. Ilene has a boyfriend back in Canada so I asked her about the basis of our meetup–a date or a friendly get-together. She responded just two good friends hanging out. Oh well, should be fun anyway. Grilled steak, baked potato, mixed veggies, and cornbread are on the menu, with brownies and ice cream for dessert. I’m hoping to make a good impression!

That concludes the update portion of this post.

I had a couple of kilometers to hike to reach our meet-up location. And as I passed by Columban College, a Catholic school, I noticed this sign:

Anyway, it was one of our better hikes. Slick and steep in places, but no crashes or fuckups (not counting Mary of course). I’d call that a pretty good day.

Alright, time for me to get cooking! I don’t want to disappoint Ilene.

Here’s the latest installment in my so-called (dating) life.

Yesterday Mary and I had agreed to meet up for a few hours. She had first suggested 10:00 a.m. but I told her I wouldn’t be done with my weekly grocery shopping by then. I messaged her later that we could get together around 11. At first, I thought I’d just meet her at the mall near where she lives but then decided I didn’t feel like doing that. So, I figured I’d have my driver swing by to get her and we’d all go home together. When I reached her again she said she couldn’t leave until 2:00. Oh well, then. Meet me in Barretto.

As two o’clock approached Mary messaged me again to say she couldn’t come until 3:00. Now, I already knew she had to leave by 7:00 so I just told her never mind, it wasn’t worth the trip. She insisted she still wanted to come and I didn’t really have any other plans, so why not? Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t really blaming Mary. She’s a single mother with a disabled three-year-old son. So the only time she can get out of the house is when her Ate (Aunt) is there to babysit. This is why Mary had to leave at 7:00 in the first place; her Ate had plans.

So, I’m waiting at the 7/11 on the corner for Mary’s arrival at 3:00. Granted, traffic was bad in Barretto but when she still was not there at 3:20 I was getting frustrated. So I took the opportunity to practice having patience and within a few minutes she had arrived. Yay! Now, I had ordered some fresh strawberries from my friend Ilene and I needed to pick them up from her at Treasure Island where she works. I loaded Mary in a trike and we headed out to Baloy Beach. We sat down at the T.I. outdoor bar and Ilene, who works in reception, promptly delivered the berries. I asked Mary if she had ever been to T.I. before and she said no. So I suggested we have dinner and enjoy the beachside/poolside ambiance. Mary ordered ramyun and I went with the sweet and sour chicken. We both pronounced our meals delicious.

We still had a couple of hours to fill so we caught a trike back to my place. Some small talk at the kitchen table but then I got hungry for something else so invited Mary upstairs. We talked some more, about her possibly returning to school and about her son’s medical issues. Mary said he needs an MRI, but the cost is 15,000 pesos ($300.). Me, being me, said I would consider helping her with that. That pleased her. But it became clear she was not interested in pleasing me. Again. Mary asked me if I was mad and I honestly told her I wasn’t. Disappointed and frustrated, but not mad. I also told her that I had no interest in a sexual relationship if she did not share that interest. As I walked her back to the Jeepney stand she told me she was sorry and blamed it on her inexperience. Mary says I’m her first foreigner and the only other man she’s been with was her son’s father. She promised to be better when we meet for an overnighter on Friday.

And that’s where we left things. She drove off in the Jeepney and I headed to Mango’s for some beers. A bit later Mary sent me a message saying “I think I fall in love with you. I don’t know how to explain my feeling.” I responded, “actions speak louder than words.” And then we said our goodnights.

A bit later, I sent a message to Ilene thanking her again for the strawberries. Ilene congratulated me on my new love life. I told her that Mary is very young and then told the story of how I met her. Ilene responded, “I know her”. What? Ilene related that Mary had come to Treasure Island before with a customer who was courting her. His name is also John. And Ilene said it was the same story “I’m looking for a job”. She told me to be careful because “that girl is a liar”. Apparently Mary did a disappearing act on the other John after a few days.

Hmm. So, it would appear that Mary lied about never having been to T.I., lied about never having had a foreigner before, and who knows what else. I wonder if she even has a son, disabled or not.

I was pretty much blown away by these revelations. I mean I had kept my guard up and was monitoring the red flags, but that almost the entire story Mary had fed me was bullshit was hard to get my head around. And it still doesn’t make sense. I mean, if she hadn’t been so reluctant to fuck me, maybe she could have sucked me into whatever her ultimate scam might have been. Why lie and then not go all in?

Ilene gave me comforting words, told me what a great guy I am and any woman would be lucky to have me. I reminded her that she was the woman I had wanted for a long time, but she was never available when I was and vice-versa. Ilene agreed and promised to let me know if her situation ever changed.

I decided not to confront Mary with my new-found information last night. And I had my hike this morning. When I checked my messages later, there was one from Mary saying her son was scheduled for an MRI on Friday, and was I still willing to help? I decided to play along and told her of course, just let me know what time and I’ll come to the hospital (Baypointe) and pay with my credit card. She said she’d get back to me. Later she messaged that she had talked to the cashier and they wouldn’t accept a credit card. I responded that when I got my treatment at Baypointe I paid with a credit card. I told her I’d go to the hospital with her and get it all straightened out. After a bit, she came back and said the MRI was moved to Monday. I told her I could meet her there Monday morning before the Hash. Her last message was “thanks, I’ll let you know”. I don’t know if I’ll hear from her again or not. She must know I’ve called her bluff. Neither of us has canceled Friday’s date at this point yet either. I’m still thinking about a scenario where I’d fuck her good and hard and then confront her with my knowledge of her deceit. It’s a nice fantasy at least.

But wait, there’s more! Well, actually I’m going to save that until I know more about what more is. Don’t worry, it’s not about Mary.

Bottom line, I’m glad I found out but I’m disappointed in myself for not seeing through the bullshit. Mary is a convincing liar, that’s for sure. You’d think a man of my age and experience would have figured that out. Then again, when you consider my history with women it is not so surprising after all.

What a life!

I used to be indecisive. Now I don’t know.

So, I had quite an interesting finish to my otherwise disappointing day yesterday. I had been out drowning my sorrows, starting at Cheap Charlies then finishing up at Mango’s where I enjoyed views like this:

And on the walk back to my house I encountered an attractive young woman on the highway. That in and of itself is not so unusual I suppose, but for some reason, I greeted this one and she responded cheerfully. After this very brief exchange, I crossed the highway and continued homeward. And the next thing I knew, he was walking a few steps ahead of me! Well, I was full of beer courage and she was so damn sexy from behind that I couldn’t resist uttering a “sweet!” loud enough for her to hear. Then she stopped, turned around, and came back to me asking what I’d said.

I repeated that she looked sweet and sexy as she walked in front of me. She smiled and thanked me. Then I asked her if she was following me? She denied it and told me she was looking for a job. I took that as a hint and said I might be interested in hiring her for the night. And then we negotiated a price, or more precisely, she accepted my offer, and we caught a trike to my house. Now, it is very unusual to find freelance prostitutes walking the streets of Barretto. And this is the first I’ve ever engaged the services of one. But there was just something different about this one, who told me her name was Mary.

When we arrived home, I introduced Mary to my dogs and asked if she’d like something to drink. She told me she didn’t drink alcohol, so I got her a coke and I opened a beer for myself. She responded affirmatively when I asked if she was hungry so I made her a tuna sandwich. And then we had a nice conversation. My first surprise was that she is only 20 years old! That’s much younger than my preferred range of 30-50. Then Mary told me that she has one child, a boy of three who suffers from cerebral palsy. She got choked up when she told me that she had agreed to come with me because she needed money for his medicine.

The more we talked the clearer it became to me that she wasn’t a prostitute at all. Mary lives in Olongapo and had come to Barretto hoping to find work as a waitress. When I encountered her on the street she had just left an unsuccessful effort at Thumbstar bar. I was very much touched by both her innocence and her sweetness. She is definitely not cut out for work in a bar. She heard my helper upstairs and when I explained who she was, Mary asked if I would hire her too. I honestly told her I didn’t need another helper (I actually have two).

Mary had finished eating and it was getting late. I was tired, drunk, and horny so I took her upstairs to the bedroom. And there I was in for another surprise! No, she doesn’t have a penis. Geez. Mary was very shy and didn’t seem at all interested in fooling around. She didn’t even want to get undressed until I gave her a t-shirt to wear, and she removed her shorts and shirt from underneath it. When she finally laid down I began tenderly rubbing her body. When I got “down there”, Mary gently pushed my hand away and matter of factly said, “thank you for respecting me”.

What the hell? It looked like my day of disappointment was going to end in frustration. But there was something different about Mary. I never want a woman to feel obligated to have sex with me, even if I am paying for it. Prostitutes are usually good at pretending but I was now more convinced than ever that Mary had no understanding what I had “hired” her to do for me. Very odd indeed, but nothing to be done about it so I rolled over and went to sleep. I tried to get frisky again once during the night, but she again gently but firmly rejected my advances. Sleep was my best and only option and so I took it.

I awoke early in the morning (4 a.m. is early even for me!) and began to get dressed. She woke up as well and dressed herself, again under the t-shirt. I asked if she wanted breakfast, she nodded, and I went downstairs to make up some bacon, eggs, and toast. She joined me in the kitchen and watched, seemingly fascinated to see a man who could cook. Then we sat at the table to eat and talked some more.

Mary told me I was the first foreigner she had ever been with and she was glad I turned about to be a nice one. I asked her about her apparent lack of interest in sex and she responded that she never has sex the first time she meets someone. For some reason, I believe her and the whole transaction the night before had been based on a colossal misunderstanding. Mary talked about her struggles with her crippled child and paying the rent. She asked if I had any ideas about where she might find employment. I told her I didn’t think she was cut out for work in a bar with the possible exception of a place like Cheap Charlies where the girls are waitresses and work for drink commissions. Mary again said she was allergic to alcohol and I said most of the girls drink coke or sprite. She asked once more if I had any work available and I said not at the moment, but I’d think about it.

It was 5 a.m. now and the Jeepneys to Olongapo were running again, so we walked to the stop. I went to get her the cash I’d promised at 7/11 but they were closed. I asked if she wanted to accept less money or walk with me across town to another ATM. She wanted to walk for the cash. And she was very sweet, taking my hand as we made our way along the highway. To be honest, Mary has both the looks and the personality of someone I could really fall for. If she only she wasn’t just 20 years old!

Anyway, I paid her what we had agreed to (notwithstanding her lack of performance), we exchanged phone numbers, and she headed off for home. We’ve exchanged a few messages throughout the day and she asked if I was busy on Saturday. I asked why and she responded, “because I want to sleep with you”. So, I guess I’ve got plans with Mary for Saturday night.

I’m not sure where this is going to go. I’m too damn old to be her boyfriend, but maybe I can be her daddy. Sugar Daddy that is. The thought has occurred to me that I could engage her for some companionship a couple of times a week. I’m talking about more than sex here–joining me on my solitary hikes or watching some TV with me would be nice as well. In return for her assuaging my loneliness, I could offer some financial support to assist her and her child. That could be a win-win situation, don’t you think?

Or so at least it seems. Take today for example. I thought I’d be spending the afternoon with a lady friend, enjoying lunch and a movie here at my house. In preparation, I had to forgo my morning walk so I could cook the meal and download a movie. And then I get the message from Jhen saying she was on the way but couldn’t stay because she had to go back to Olongapo for her “assessment” day. The pain from that kick in the nuts precluded my asking what the hell that is.

I’ve known Jhen for most of the time I’ve lived here. She worked at the videoke joint I’d occasionally visit with my then-girlfriend before it closed down last year. Jhen and I became Facebook friends and would message on rare occasions. I never had an interest in her as a potential girlfriend but she was smart and witty and fun to chat with. Anyway, several days ago I get a message from her asking if by chance I had an old laptop I didn’t need. She’s starting a college program that has two days of classroom attendance and three days online. I told her I didn’t at the moment but I was looking to replace my current machine and would let her know. She thanked me and mentioned that classes would be starting soon.

So, I started looking around to see if I could buy a computer locally that suited my purposes and also consulted with a friend who is much techier than me. He is having one shipped from the USA soon and offered to let me join in on the deal. So, I went on Lazada (the Philippines Amazon more or less) to see what I could find. Nothing there I wanted, but on a whim, I ordered a mid-range laptop for Jhen. I was having second thoughts about why I would spend that kind of money (almost $400) on someone who is little more than an acquaintance. And then I gave myself the speech about coming here to make a difference, getting a degree can change a life long term, blah blah blah, so I went ahead with the purchase. When I told Jhen she was equal parts surprised and ecstatic. She said she didn’t know how to thank or repay me and I told her to do well in school and be successful in life.

The laptop was delivered to my house on Tuesday and we made arrangements for our get together today. It was going to be a simple lunch–grilled burgers with beans and a veggie. The movie I had downloaded for our viewing pleasure was Pay it Forward. I thought it would be a fun way to facilitate a discussion on how she could change the world, not only for herself but for others as well. Instead, she arrived, had a glass of water, I gave her the unopened box, she thanked me, then left.

I’m not going to lie about it. I was extremely disappointed, probably as much with myself as with her. I get these grand notions of doing good in my head and it always seems to come back and bite me in the ass. No good deed goes unpunished, indeed! Well, that’s on me too. True charity expects nothing in return. And that’s what I got in this case. When I think about how pathetic and needy I’ve become it’s downright depressing. Oh well. I truly do hope Jhen does well in school and if my gift in some small way helps make that happen it was money well spent.

I was going to title this post “Pay it Forward” but I checked and saw that I had used that heading back in April 2017. That post was me bragging about sending my future caregiver Loraine to school and the good things she was doing with that education. Reading that again didn’t improve my mood a bit. I guess it’s just my destiny to live this kind of life. I doubt I’m going to stop trying to make a difference in my community of unfortunates. I just need to find a better way to go about it.

I reckon that’s enough feeling sorry for myself for one day.

Greetings once again from the land where ignorance abounds! No wonder I’m such a good fit here.

We are now under “low risk modified general community quarantine”. I think perhaps this is the lowest possible level above normal and rumor has it things will never be normal again. Practically speaking, everything has remained pretty much as it was. A 9 p.m. curfew is probably the biggest inconvenience. Restaurants and bars have been allowed to reopen at 50% capacity. Waitresses must wear face shields and masks. The weirdest thing to me has been an edict from the geniuses at city hall that outside dining and drinking are not allowed. So, all the bars and restaurants that had open-air tables have had to remove them. Yeah, you heard that right–they want to control the spread of the virus by forcing everyone indoors to share the same air. The exact opposite of what the USA has done, only allowing restaurants to serve diners outside. Friends who ride motor scooters are also pissed at a rule that doesn’t allow back riders. As one puts it: “It’s okay to sleep with my girlfriend but I can’t give her a ride home in the morning.” I’m not sure what is really going on but it ain’t got nothing to do with keeping people safe. I suspect it is just ignorant people exercising newly gained power and authority ignorantly.

I’ve recently come to question my own ignorance when it comes to my gift-giving. Most of the time it works out fine, even if in a couple of instances I may have been suckered into providing help to someone not truly in need. Most of the time the assistance isn’t huge, amounting to less than $100. I usually don’t want or expect anything in return, although I did indulge that Wet Spot dancer in a little quid pro quo. That proved to be a big mistake as she constantly harrassed me for money for all kinds of “emergencies” afterward. Yep, classic bargirl scammer stuff. I eventually had to totally block her from all contact. I did see her at Wet Spot when they reopened last week–going out the door with a paying customer for a night of debauchery. Good to see her back at work!

Then there is the waitress at a certain beachside bar I’ve been known to frequent. We got to be acquainted and I also met her husband and father of her NINE kids. So, we are not really friends but she’s someone I know and have had conversations with over a period of time. A few weeks back she had a worried look about her and I asked her what was wrong. She said that school was going to be starting remotely and that she needed some Ipad-like devices so the kids could do their lessons. I asked how much that would cost and she told me 7000 pesos ($140). Hmm. Well, I have a soft spot for the kiddies, and helping them continue getting an education during these difficult times seemed like a worthy cause. So the next day (I don’t carry that much cash around) I brought her the needed money. She was ecstatic and offered to provide me proof of purchase. I told her that wasn’t necessary. She asked if she could do my laundry or clean my house and I told her I already have people for that. The devil on my shoulder was whispering in my ear but I ignored him–she’s a married woman and I don’t need that kind of trouble! Anyway, it was a feel-good moment for me and I was glad I could help.

Last night this same waitress began sending me messages. I wasn’t sure where she got my phone number at first, then realized it must have been from the tracking roster we are required to complete as part of the quarantine rules. Anyway, she eventually got around to telling me about some medical issues she has encountered and that the treatment she needs will cost 5000 pesos that she doesn’t have because she missed time from work due to illness. I have no reason to question the veracity of her story, but I was taken aback regardless. She’s a waitress at a place I like to drink, nothing more. I helped her out once but that doesn’t make me responsible to provide for her medical care or anything else. I found it all very off-putting. I wrote back that I was sorry to hear about her trouble, wished her a speedy recovery, and told her I was unable to assist financially. And now I’m going to need to find a new place to drink I guess. I really don’t like being tagged as a sucker and that’s how I feel. And yes, it’s my own damn fault.

Have I learned my lesson? Not if buying a $400 laptop for an acquaintance is any indication. I will save that story for another day. It’s still possible it will have a happy ending. I do seem to be generously ignorant although I’m not feeling the bliss. My intentions are good but perhaps I’m going about it wrong. I’ll figure it out eventually I suppose.

Buddy ran into his friend Buday on our walk this morning. Haven’t seen her around the ‘hood for weeks and I was actually a little worried about her. I’m hoping someone has adopted her. She looked well-fed or maybe she’s pregnant. Again.

Here’s a couple of shots from yesterday’s hike that Scott posted:

And that’s about it from here for now. I think it is important to keep things in perspective though. I mean, I wear the mask, not because I think it helps but because it’s the law of the land and I’m a guest in this country. But that said, if you think of wearing the mask as practice it takes on a whole new meaning.