What a fool believes (redux)

So, I’ve taken some time to sincerely think about and digest the thoughtful comments I received to the post entitled “Live and learn”. That proved to be an apt title I guess. There were so lessons to be learned thanks to the brutally honest feedback I received. So, thanks again for that.

Other than Kevin, I’m don’t think the commenters have had the unique pleasure of meeting me in person. Being known only for what you write and share on a blog like this is a two-edged sword I suppose. I try to be honest with my readers in my diary-like ramblings, but some things of necessity may be left unsaid and others might be overemphasized because they are standout moments in an otherwise mundane life. So, I think in some ways I might create an impression that I’m something that I’m not. Like being a player that has random and regular sexual encounters for example. By my count, I’ve been with twelve women in the 27 months I’ve lived here. Several of those I was dating, others were one night stands with bargirls, and a couple were friends with benefits type encounters. On the other hand, I’ve come to question my own self-awareness lately so maybe what seems like nothing out of the ordinary is actually quite perverted in the eyes of others.

Anyway, I’m not here to make excuses and I do intend to take the advice I’ve been given in good faith to heart. Whether that will result in my actually changing any destructive behaviors remains to be seen. I do want to respond to a couple of points made in those comments just to explain where I’m coming from.

From Kevin:

…we can at least be sure that your feelings for J don’t amount to love. At this point, I’d say it’s clear that there’s no seriousness at all regarding your relationship with J, and that you’re content to use women the way they may or may not be using you.

I guess I could cop out and just say “it’s complicated”. J seems special and different somehow, but yeah, when it comes right down to it, she scares me. A few days ago she was talking like she was ready to dump her boyfriend for me and I was surprised my reaction wasn’t joy at all, more like panic. I guess I was able to dissuade her from making a hasty decision, but it made me realize that I wasn’t ready to take on the responsibility of being her only man and everything that goes with that. Maybe I’m not her best option.

Has it occurred to you that your ex is probably aware you’ve been with J, and this is the ex’s way of re-marking her “territory”?

She definitely knows now as I told her I’d been dating J. And I think I’ve made it clear that while I hope we can remain friends, there is no going back to where we were relationship-wise.

If you really are seeking some sort of love and companionship, you have to start by eliminating the transactional dimension of your “relationships.” 

Yeah, I can now see that I’ve brought a transactional element into my relationships here and that is inconsistent with the love and companionship I’ve claimed to be seeking. So the question is now am I willing and able to change?

From Brian:

Honestly, you should probably swear off women in your locale. Too much of a “small town” vibe. Drama everywhere. If you want/need to sow your oats, take a long weekend and go to city XXX (wherever that is) and repeat as needed.

Yes, living in a small takes some getting used to that’s for sure. Here’s an example from this week: I’m walking home from Baloy beach and suddenly this woman pops out of the bushes in front of me (I believe she was avoiding the checkpoint on this highway). She smiled and said “you’re the guy who is always at Mangos”. Then I recognized her as the woman I’d seen on the beach there several times, just standing around. She explained that she was tapping into Mangos free wi-fi. She then asked where I was going and I told her “home”. Then she offered me a massage. Hmm. Attractive enough and I do enjoy a good massage so I agreed. And yes, I know this seems to confirm the points Kevin made above. Anyway, we get here and it turns out she actually is a trained masseuse and did an outstanding job. When she was done she asked if I wanted a “happy ending” and I told her not this time. So, maybe I’m not totally ruled by my little head!

James left a humorously sarcastic comment, but he did make some fair points, including this:

However, being a fair man, it will come as no shock to you to find that you will apply the same harsh judgment on yourself when you fail to live up to your rules. It becomes harder and harder to rationalize your actions and then your rules become in danger of being obsolete.

I honestly hadn’t considered that to the extent I’ve rendered harsh judgments on others, I’ve also been guilty of the same infractions. I do seem to have some self-awareness issues.

Megan’s comment probably stung the most, perhaps because it rang so true:

If anyone has followed your blog posts, they would see that you have been married four times, had multiple relationships along the way (married and single), and profess about “falling in love” every other day. While reading your diatribe of “oh golly, I’m just doomed to be unlucky in love” might had some resonance, your abhorrent actions tell another story. Stop acting like a lovesick Romeo and embrace your lust filled persona in full force. Eventually, it seems to just be a ‘trick the reader’ into feeling guilty for me scheme.

It is never my intention to “trick” readers, I think what you are seeing is me not being honest with myself. But yeah, I’m the common denominator in every failed relationship I’ve been involved with, so I acknowledge that. I actually did a post tallying up the score of my lifetime of failed loves. I took the blame for some of those, but maybe not enough. I especially appreciated Megan’s perspectives as woman in declaring my actions as abhorrent. And her advice to embrace my true nature and stop pretending to want love has some resonance as well.

Again, thanks to all of you.

So, now what? I’m honestly wondering whether it is even possible to change what I’ve become at this late stage of my life. I really can’t deny that I’m both a broken man and my own worst enemy. Being willfully blind about that is no longer an option. I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do long term (or as long term as it gets for a man about to turn 65), but for now at least I’m going to just stop pursuing relationships. Better to be alone than to keep on hurting people. Including myself.

I’ll be meeting with J. later this afternoon and I’ll give her the news. Not sure how she will react, maybe she’ll be relieved. Several times now she has told me I deserve to find a good woman. When I tell her I think she is a good woman she says “a good woman wouldn’t cheat on her boyfriend”. So, yeah, I’m not doing her any favors I think making her feel that way. Especially now that I’m doubting my ability to follow through.

The ex has been leaving me alone since I told her about J. and said she couldn’t stay at my house anymore. I know my half-assed dual messaging has not been good for her either. Maybe now she’ll move on.

And I’ll be alone and making the best of those sorry circumstances. As my readers have reminded me, I’ve earned every bit of it.


But what a fool believes he sees
No wise man has the power to reason away
What seems to be
Is always better than nothing
There’s nothing at all
But what a fool believes he sees…

Live and learn

Well, I turn 65 in ten days, so I’ve got the living part pretty much down. The learning, maybe not so much. In my previous post, I alluded to screwing up again, and a couple of commenters expressed curiosity about what I did this time. Here’s the gist of it:

My ex-girlfriend asked if she could visit for lockdown Sunday. She’s friends with my helper and attached to the dogs. She’d asked before and I’d always told her no. For some reason, I agreed this time. It was mostly fine, she brought her karaoke machine with her and the girls sat out back and sang the night away. I went to bed and to my surprise, I woke up to find her next to me (I expected her to use the guest room). And then my little brain nature took over.

I was gone all Sunday morning on my hike and the women folk sang all afternoon. So it was all cool. I went to bed early and she joined me again later. This time she slept with her head at the foot of the bed and that suited me fine.

I’m chatting with Janey this morning and she tells me she and her sister are going for a run. I asked where and she said Baloy beach. Imagine my surprise then when I saw her and a couple of other females jog past my house! Now, the ex was still upstairs but she’ll usually sit on the balcony and have a morning smoke. I went upstairs and she was in the bathroom. When she came out I told her not to use the balcony this morning. And then of course I had to explain why. Check out Sarkinen Plumbing packages for services.

It was weird. She knows Janey from the Hash and she suspected I was seeing her (never while we were still together though). I think the ex was hurt for some reason, but we talked through it. I reminded her that we were just friends now and who I spent time with was not her concern. I was paranoid that Janey might come back and knock on my door. Also, it was time to walk the dogs. Would I encounter her out on the street? Finally, I just said fuck it, and we did the dog walk. Didn’t see anyone and apparently Janey is none the wiser.

So, why do I feel like shit? Well, I certainly wasn’t honest with Janey. She had no idea I was entertaining a guest this weekend. I don’t know if being with my ex constitutes cheating, especially since what I’m doing with Janey is in fact cheating on her boyfriend. But it still doesn’t feel right somehow. And yes, it has occurred to me that the person I’m being most dishonest with is me.

So, I don’t know what I’m going to do at this point. No intention of going back with the ex, she’s better at being a friend than a girlfriend. I still like the idea of Janey but the reality of our situation is wearying. I’m still not prepared to walk away just yet, but the thought of doing so is recurring. It could be like that old song says: “We had the right love at the wrong time”.

Anyway, that’s the update. More and more I think I might be better off alone. It is probably what I deserve.

Love is a rose

The internet truly is forever. Or so it seems. I had an email this morning from a stranger. He’d read something I posted on a forum back in April 2017 and wondered how things had worked out for me. And so I briefly related the sad details of that unhappy ending.

That forum post had been called “A brand new plan” and detailed the soul-crushing history that had led me to give up on love completely forevermore. My new plan was simply to hire someone to provide all the things a lover might without the baggage that love brings with it. I had already found the perfect woman for the job and was sending her to school to learn the caregiver trade. I was quite smug in my belief that I had it all figured out.

And then I fell in love with her. And then she broke my heart. It’s going on three years now and I’ve mostly gotten over it. And for the first time since then, I find myself falling in love again. With a woman who is already in a relationship. It’s a little scary when I consider the parallels with what happened to me and what could potentially happen to my new love’s boyfriend. It ain’t pretty and I’m not comfortable with being in this triangle.

It was odd timing that I was led to revisit the past this morning. Because this afternoon I’m having “the talk” with my new love. I had already told her that I was taking a step back to give her the time and space she needed to decide which future she wants to pursue. I got a message from her saying she didn’t sleep well last night because of “stress” and today she wants to talk about “us”. So that’s what we’ll do.

No idea which way this is going to go but I think I’m ready for anything. Frankly, re-reading my old new plan has me thinking that maybe I was on the right track back then before I mucked everything up by falling in love.

I’m anxious to see what is going to happen next.


Love is a rose
But you better not pick it
It only grows when it’s on the vine
A handful of thorns and
You know you’ve missed it
You lose your love
When you say the word “mine”

I wanna see what’s never been seen
I wanna live that age-old dream
Come on, lass, we can go together
Let’s take the best right now
Take the best right now

Alone With Everybody

Life is a poem, and then you die. Well, that line sounded a lot more profound when it was in my head than it does when it appears in pixels. I’m no poet, although there was a time when I expressed my teenage angst in words that rhyme. Kinda like that. I even posted some of my work from those long-ago days here. There’s a reason I became a mailman rather than a writer.


The Only Way

Perhaps the best way
Is your way
Maybe the best belief
Is not to believe
Maybe the only answer
Is no answer
And maybe the only time
Is this time…
And yet,
Why can’t our love
Be the only love?

Alone

Alone in my fantasies
Alone with my dreams
But when I wake with the dawning
One sullen fact remains
That I am alone in my love for you—
The sun doesn’t shine, it rains.

See what I mean? The scary thing (besides the bad poetry) is that all these years later I am still more or less living those sentiments. Talk about being a slow learner!

But this post is about a real honest-to-goodness poet I truly admire–Charles Bukowski. Perhaps I’m a selfish reader of poetry, but my favorites are the ones whose words resonate with the thoughts and emotions I have experienced. I grew up around poetry; some of my earliest memories are of my father reading poems out loud to us kids. Over the years I’ve collected dozens of books by the likes of Sara Teasdale, e e cummings, James Kavanaugh, and various anthologies.

These are the ones who made the journey to the Philippines with me.

And nope, I’ve never owned a book of Bukowski poems. I actually discovered him relatively late in life. In fact, as I was preparing this post I saw where I had written about reading him for the first time back in November 2005. That post included a link to a Bukowski biography that is also quite interesting. I love the fact that he too is a former postal worker.


Convinced, then, almost from the outset of the hopelessness of humanity and lasting friendship, he largely rejected the goals after which most strive. Instead, he found solace in alcohol. “Getting drunk was good,” Bukowski says in Ham on Rye. “I decided that I would always like getting drunk. It took away the obvious and maybe if you could get away from the obvious often enough, you wouldn’t become obvious yourself” (189). Drinking and remaining “unobvious” thus became Bukowski’s vocation, until, that is, he started writing seriously around 1960. Then drinking, remaining “unobvious,” and writing were his vocations, and remain so to this day. Necessitated by the fact that none of his vocations paid enough for him to survive, he worked as dishwasher, truckdriver and loader, mailman, guard, gas station attendant, stock boy, warehouseman, shipping clerk, post office clerk, parking lot attendant, Red Cross orderly, and elevator operator, among other things (Contemporary Authors 109).

Heh, I guess the drinking part is something else we have in common. But that’s obvious, right?

So yesterday’s rain kept me confined to the house and passing away the hours on the internet. Which led me to discover this article about a new documentary called You Never Had It: An Evening With Charles Bukowski.


The paradox of Bukowski was that he was a poet who wrote about drinking, screwing, the track, despair and fighting, but had a persona that was gentle, mirthful and self-deprecating. It’s easy to imagine his voice, with its gentle lisp, used today for guided meditation audio. When Bukowski talks about “drinking and fucking and drinking and fucking” it’s with a shy smile and playful eyes that won’t always connect with the interviewer. It’s telling that Bukowski, the author of books like Love is a Dog from HellWomen and Post Office, loved classical music, particularly Beethoven. Despite the dipsomania, he spoke with great precision.

Is it any wonder I like this guy?

So I was inspired to spend some time reading Bukowski poems yesterday. I didn’t like everything I came across, but this one stood out for some reason.

“Alone With Everybody”


the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.

there’s no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever finds
the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills.

Powerful stuff, at least to my troubled mind.

My favorite Bukowski poem remains “The Laughing Heart“. I’ve shared it here several times, but the first time was the night I discovered it: Christmas Eve 2015. And what made it especially special was the way I found it:

Jee Yeun and I had recently split up and I was very bitter and cynical about love. I was lamenting to a bar friend about the forlorn state of my psyche, when this stranger walks up to me and says “I’m sorry to eavesdrop, but don’t ever give up!”  Then she asked if I’d ever read “The Laughing Heart” by Charles Bukowski. Now, I’m a sucker for poetry and have read some of Bukowski’s stuff, but never this particular poem.  So I grabbed my phone and pulled it up for a quick read. Well, that hit the spot.  And I was very moved by the random act of kindness of the person who reached out and shared it.

And it is still raining.

Saving my privates

I don’t believe in censorship, even when it is self-censoring. Recently I have done some posts about certain aspects and goings-on in my life that are more sensitive than usual. And I woke up at 3:00 a.m. this morning and some voice in my head was telling me that was a mistake.

But what to do about it? In over 15 years of blogging I’ve only deleted published posts once before. That was when I got called out at work for some content that was job-related and deemed inappropriate. I didn’t like doing it then but I wasn’t willing to give up my sweet salary over some little-read post. This time the issue that was troubling my mind was the possibility of my inadvertently causing trouble in the life of someone I care about. I still didn’t want to delete those posts so I did a quick Google search to learn how to password protect posts in WordPress. It was easier than I imagined to change the privacy setting. And that’s what I did for those five or six posts I thought might prove problematic.

Did I overreact? Perhaps. But I recalled some random guy recently commenting on something I wrote in 2005. And I got an email from someone this week saying he had found my blog while doing a search on Google about the quarantine requirements in Olongapo. A few months back a guy approached me in a bar saying he had found my blog doing some random search. Then he proceeded to lambast me for continuing to hike during the lockdown because “it made all foreigners look bad”. Anyway, the point is I tend to blog as if no one is going to read what I write. I do have some friends that I know read the blog and everyone else who does are random strangers anyway. But if one of those random strangers happened to know the person I was talking about or knew that person’s friends or decided to share some of what I wrote with them it might make a mess of things in ways that I would not want to be responsible for. Hence, the password protection for those posts.

I do not intend to make this a regular practice. I will perhaps be a bit more discrete about what I write and better consider the implications of words that may cause collateral damage to innocent bystanders. And any of you who are a regular reader/commenter here can send me a message and I’ll provide you the passwords for those posts. Fair enough? Sorry for the inconvenience.

In other news, I found this photo on Facebook rather titillating:

Two will be plenty, thank you. Hmm, well, maybe four would be nice…

I’m not sure what kind of fruit or plant this might be, but damn, I want a taste:

Yummy to lick I bet!

And I will close with this:

Which may or may not be related to the posts I’ve decided to password protect.

Things will be back to normal around here tomorrow, including some photos from today’s very pleasant mountaintop hike. Stick around!

The unbearable lightness of being

Ah, the adventures that come with being a blogger. I think it would be fair to call LTG a niche blog. In fact, these days I think of it almost like a diary that has been left outside for the world to see. And if my stat counter is to be believed, I average around 175 people dropping by for a read every day. A few of you even leave comments which are also much appreciated.

A while back I did a post about some victim of a bear attack. It included some graphic photos, including this one:

When I say I posted this a while back, I’m talking more than 15 years ago, in February 2005. That was just three months into my blogging career, such as it is. I certainly had no recollection of the post but was surprised to see that someone had recently commented on it:


Bullshit. I call bullshit. That first pic is a forced perspective. Something hunters and fisherman do (look it up). And the pic of the so called remains were taken with a newer HD camera, where’s as the first 2 pics were taken with something from the late 90’s / early 2000’s. The storey is bullshit, and the pics are in no way related to each other. Your an idiot to believe this work of fiction.

Thank you for the feedback, Fukh Hoffman. Maybe I’m an idiot but comments are always welcome, even if they are impolite and 15 years late. For what it’s worth, I did update the post in question noting that the story has been shown to be false. Oh, and it’s “you’re an idiot” not your.

It does just go to show that what you post on a blog is pretty much forever. I’m sure I’ve said lots of things that would get me canceled back home in the USA. Not that I care.

One of my most prolific commenters, Kevin Kim, mentioned the full moon picture I posted yesterday. Here it is again:

Kevin accurately noted that moonshots with a cellphone camera rarely capture the magnificence that can be seen with the naked eye.

I had also taken a shot of the moon in full zoom mode with my phone. It came out like this:

No better than the other one, right? A Facebook commenter did note that it appears the moon is wearing a mask in this photo. I guess that makes it timely and relevant at least.

And while we are on the topic of blogging and bloggers, one of my regular reads, Althouse, had a link to the love story between Jonas Salk and French artist Françoise Gilot:


“When Jonas proposed, she had replied, ‘A relationship would be all right, but I don’t want to get married…. Because I don’t want to live with anybody more than six months a year. That’s it. I need my own time to myself, plus I have my children.’ Jonas handed her a piece of paper. ‘Write down everything that you don’t want,’ he directed. ‘I’ll give you an hour.’ Françoise proceeded to write down those elements that would make the marriage unsuitable for her. Jonas read it over. ‘Very good. It fits my life perfectly.’ ‘But we don’t know each other,’ she cautioned, ‘and it may be disastrous because you’re a scientist, and our lives are very far apart.’ ‘No,’ Jonas countered, in what seemed more like a business transaction than a romantic moment, ‘even if we’re not so happy, at least we’ll be like a citadel; we’ll be a fortress for each other.’ Françoise thought about it. Both felt exhausted by the world and sought a refuge…. Though many could not fathom their marital arrangement, Salk and Gilot’s relationship matured as they grew to know each other better. ‘We found new discoveries all the time,’ Gilot recalled. And Salk maintained, ‘I have achieved in terms of personal relationships as much with Françoise as I could possibly fantasize.’  When asked in an interview how she had ended up with two of history’s most powerful men, Gilot replied: ‘Lions mate with lions.'”

Wow. Not really sure why, but that really resonated with me. I’ve been fucking up my love life for decades now. Maybe I just haven’t found a lion yet. Although come to think of it, one of my ex’s did say that I was a “lyin’ bastard!” Yeah, I’m the common denominator in all those failed relationships. Guilty as charged.

Speaking of the kind of women I seem to attract, Mary hasn’t thrown in the towel yet. She’s changing her tactics though. She continues to harass and borderline stalk me and last night I told her I was seeing someone else now and that I wanted to remain faithful. Here is what she had to say in a message this morning:

Baby, do you want me to be your friend with benefits? If you want I will see you because I like having sex with you. Is that okay with you? No money involved, just sex only.

I told her again I don’t want to cheat and will see how my new relationship works out.

But wow, it’s really something to have a 21-year-old woman practically begging for sex from a 65-year-old grandfather. Of course, I’m not stupid enough to believe that is her endgame. I guess this could be like a test to see just how stupid I might truly be.

In somewhat related news, I found this joke to be kinda funny:

Bada bing!

How about one more?


Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, “It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver

It’s the least I can do!

Can’t wait to read the comments on this post 15 years from now!

Living in the bubble

Message in a bottle? I thought this odd bubble in my beer last night might have some metamorphic qualities. Interesting to look at and enjoy but destined to burst like a shattered dream? Well, the beer was cold and wet at least.

A somewhat interesting day yesterday. Well, by my low standards anyway. Here’s how it went down:

Things started off with a bang when Iline came to the house. I suppose that’s a double entendre, but yes we did. I had suggested we go on a shopping excursion at the mall as there were some things I needed to purchase, primarily some new hiking shoes. Iline has a driver’s license, but no vehicle. Since I was planning to do lunch as well I didn’t want to pay my driver to sit around waiting for us. So Iline borrowed a friend’s car for the afternoon. Turns out she is a relatively safe and sane driver, especially in comparison to my guy.

We arrived at the SM Central mall without incident. Well, I did have a phone call, which was surprising because my phone almost never rings. When I saw it was from Mary I didn’t answer. Iline saw who was calling as well and laughed. Then Mary sent me a message saying she was coming to Barretto and wanted to see me. I responded by telling her I wasn’t home and not to bother coming.

The first order of business at the mall was finding some lunch. I thought I remembered there being a Korean restaurant somewhere but when I finally found it on the third floor it wasn’t open. Oh well, we wound up at a place called Tokyo Tokyo and did lunch Japanese style. Nothing special (Iline had some fried shrimp thing and I did teriyaki wings) but with the social distancing measures we had a wooden divider separating us at our table. Pain in the ass. I did express to Iline that I found it odd for us to be enjoying Japanese food in the Philippines after all of the WWII atrocities. She didn’t seem to mind though.

After lunch, I spotted a Watson’s drug store and went inside in search of some of those plastic flossing/toothpick things and some eyeglass cleansing wipes. Found the floss but no wipes. Popped into an eyeglass place and then didn’t have wet wipes either, but sold me a bottle of cleansing liquid instead. At the athletic shoe store they had footwear for different sports but nothing for hiking. Besides, I don’t buy Nike products anymore.

Next stop, the SM department store. I found the socks and underwear I needed on the second floor, then went upstairs to the shoe department. I was happy to see a nice display of Merril hiking shoes. And they had a special deal going–buy two pairs and get 1000 peso discount. I picked out two different styles and asked the clerk for size 11. He disappeared into the backroom and we waited for his return. And waited. Then waited some more. For the first time in quite a while, I had to break out my mantra “deep breath, relax, accept the Filipino way”. Eventually, a female clerk came back with one of the shoes I’d asked about and said they only had this in size 10. No thanks! I gave her another shoe to check and off she went. Meanwhile, the first clerk returned and also advised there were no size 11 available in the style I wanted. Same with the third pair. Ah well.

On the way back to the car we passed a store that had the Bluetooth headphones I’ve needed, so I made that purchase. Got everything except what I came for in the end. That’s life in the Philippines!

I checked my phone and saw that I had several more messages from Mary saying she was coming to Barretto and wanted to see me. I ignored them.

Iline got me home safe and sound and I invited her in. We had some small talk and I made her a strawberry-banana smoothie using the berries from Baguio I had purchased from her. The berries that in a roundabout way had brought us together. And then my phone chirped again and it was Mary saying she was at the 7/11 outside my subdivision and that she wanted me to meet her. At this point, I was starting to feel like I was being stalked. Iline asked what I was going to do and I said I was going to continue to ignore Mary. Iline said what if she comes to your house? Oh shit, she does know where I live. I needed to go out to find “mama” and give her her daily bread money. And I was also ready to quaff some brews. But I didn’t want to have a chance encounter on the street with Mary. I asked Iline to drive me to the other side of Barretto so I could start my search for mama. She agreed, and off we went.

Sure enough, as we turned onto the highway there was Mary keeping an eagle eye on the passerby. Iline said she thought she had seen us inside the car. I’m not sure, the windows are tinted but she did look in our direction. A little further up the highway I spotted mama and had Iline drop me there. After giving mama the food money, I crossed the street and went upstairs to Cheap Charlies.

As I settled in and tried to enjoy my beer I got another message from Mary. She said she was outside my house and was waiting for me to come out and talk to her. I texted back that I wasn’t home and she needed to leave. She said okay she would leave then.

I had one more beer and headed up the street. Just to be safe I popped into Mango’s and had a couple more beers. I wanted to be sure that Mary wasn’t waiting to ambush me on the way home.

The back porch at Mango’s was covered in sand. Apparently last night’s high tide had been higher than normal. Eh, it just added to the beachside drinking ambiance.

I got home before dark and with no Mary sightings. She has however been blowing up my phone this morning but I continue to ignore her.

I’ve got the Hash coming up in a couple of hours. Günter is the Hare again so I’ll be doing my own trail today. Think it’s time to enjoy My Bitch again. Or maybe I should rename the trail “Mary”.

Keep on keeping on

Highlights from the previous 24 hours, such as they are.

Did a bit of a bar crawl last evening. Started out in the newest joint in town called The Green Room. The latest addition to Dave Fisher’s empire known as The Maze. The Green Room is a bit different in that it is a sports bar format–no stage, no dancing girls. I did get a nice back massage while I was sitting there though. Also had a good chat with Dave.

Moved up the street to Hot Zone and enjoyed a couple of beers with the owner, Jay. Not busy but a couple of cuties on stage. Part of the rules allowing bars to reopen include purchasing food, so I bought some kind of meat on a stick and gave them to the girls. One other customer in the place and Jay invited him to our table. Turns out he’s the Captain of some massive yacht anchored in Subic Bay. Interesting guy.

Then I moved on down to my regular haunt, Mangos. I got there later than normal so it was dark and the beach was deserted. I ordered up a salad with chicken strips and ranch dressing. It was pretty good. A couple of beers and headed for home. It was raining so I took a trike. And thanks to the curfew, I was in bed by 9 p.m.

Early to bed and early to rise, wise or not, I was up at 4:30 and feeling healthy. Turns out Iline is also an early riser and we got to chatting. I invited her over and she agreed to come see me, telling me she would run from her place (around 2K or so). I was a little concerned about her running in the dark but she said she does it all the time. I finally convinced her to wait until 5:30 when the sun was rising. And then she arrived by trike because it had started to rain. Oh well.

So, we had some coffee and chat, I fed the dogs and she joined me when I walked Buddy (Lucky opted not to come). Iline told me about her workout routines which start with 300 jumping jacks! It reminded me a little of when I did some exercising so I dug out my elastic bands and abdomen wheel and we fooled around with that for a bit. I may be inspired to start up again although I’m never going to be in Iline’s league. That girl is fit!

The rain had quit so I took Iline on one of my regular hikes, mostly flat and around 7K. That was, of course, nothing to her but we did have some good convo and I really enjoyed having her company as we walked.

That’s the girl of my dreams! And maybe one day my dream will come true. I even came up with her Hash name…

Oh, and here’s the postmortem on Mary. We were supposed to have gotten together yesterday. In fact, she was planning to spend the night. I put a kibosh on that idea but she was persistent. Even telling me all the things she would do for me in the bedroom. I briefly toyed with the idea of fucking her hard and then fucking her over by sending her home, but it just wasn’t worth it. No point in being vindictive to the little scammer. She was back at it this morning wanting to come over, messaging and calling (which I didn’t answer). Her last message was “are you busy?”. I responded “Yes, busy moving on with my life. You should too.” That seemed to do the trick as I haven’t heard from her since.

And that my friends brings you pretty much up to date. I’m planning to go to Olongapo with Iline tomorrow for some much needed shopping. My hiking shoes are shot, my underwear needs replacing, and I could use some more socks. Exciting times here for me. No idea what the future holds but I’m in a “bring it on, bitch!” mode these days. That’s a nice change.

It was the best of times

A lazy rainy day here this morning but yesterday turned out to be mighty special.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my friend Iline joined me for an afternoon cookout. But it turned out to be so much more. For me at least. The food was prepared and served pretty much as intended and my guest seemed to enjoy the meal. Of course, that wasn’t the highlight of our time together.

I’ve been knowing Iline for over a year now, having first met her on one of the Wednesday hikes. I felt an immediate and strong physical attraction to her but I had a girlfriend at the time so that’s all it was. I certainly had no indication that the attraction was mutual anyway. She started coming out to the Hash on a regular basis and I guess I didn’t do a good job of hiding my interest because the girlfriend got very jealous and we had a big fight over it. Actually, Iline revealed to me yesterday that several of the female Hashers had admonished her to stay away from me because of my jealous girlfriend.

I think maybe this was the night my girlfriend got mad…

After my breakup, Iline is the first person I went to see (she’s the receptionist/cashier at Treasure Island) but alas, she informed me she was in a relationship. So I gave dating Jessa a try without much success and then had my chance encounter with Mary that went nowhere fast. And that’s where things stood with me as we sat down at the dining room table for a meal and some chat.

I was frankly surprised. Or maybe astounded is more like it. As long as I’ve known Iline I’ve never really had the opportunity to talk with her at length. And we talked for hours yesterday. Also laughed a lot, she’s got a great sense of humor. Even got my jokes. And by the end of the afternoon, I realized what I’d been missing. For years and years now. A true emotional and intellectual connection with a female of the species. And I think she felt it too. Hell, I know she did because we talked about it. Sadly, in terms of missed opportunities.

Iline is in a long-distance relationship, one that she is unwilling and/or unable to end now. I completely understand and it was certainly no surprise as she had warned me before accepting my invitation that we were meeting only as friends. And I have no regrets about the experience at all. It was good to feel what I felt again. Honestly, it had been so long that I had forgotten just how good it feels to truly connect with someone on more than a physical level. Yes, I lament the fact that our timing sucked and that I had previously lacked the courage to pursue her in a meaningful way. That’s on me.

So, that was one of my takeaways–you snooze, you lose. But more importantly, I am no longer willing to settle for less than what I found yesterday. I might fool around with someone to pass the time, but I’m not doing a relationship that doesn’t include what I felt with Iline. I have an entirely new outlook now.

Yes, it’s true. I fell in love again and it was wonderful.

Sorry, Kevin. I was 3/4 of the way through my dinner plate when I realized I’d forgotten to take a photo. Hey, I was distracted! Here are my brownies and cornbread though.


The headlines read ‘these are the worst of times’
I do believe it’s true
I feel so helpless like a boat against the tide
I wish the summer winds could bring back Paradise
But I know, if the world turned upside down
Baby, I know you’d always be around

The best of times are when I’m alone with you
Some rain some shine, we’ll make this a world for two
Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime
We’ll take the best, forget the rest
And someday we’ll find these are the best of times
These are the best of times

True confessions

On the menu for today: A couple of quick updates for my faithful followers and then a slew of photos from yesterday’s hike. Let’s get to it!

I didn’t hear from Mary before falling asleep last night, but this morning I woke to a message asking me to buy her a laptop so she could enroll in school. Hmm, where have I heard that before? Anyway, I sent a message telling her she might be in luck because I had just ordered a new computer for me and perhaps we could work something out for her to acquire my old one. She responded that she can’t enroll in school now because she doesn’t have tuition money. Would I be willing to help with that? I reminded her that she has been unwilling to do anything for me in return for my generosity. I haven’t heard anything from her since then. It’s kind of funny seeing how she operates. It’s all about the cash. Once I insisted on paying for the MRI with my credit card, suddenly it was never mentioned again. When I potentially offered a used laptop, she suddenly decided that it was the tuition she required. And yet, when I hint at a quid pro quo she seems to lose all interest in the transaction. Anyway, it’s all kind of amusing now that I’m on to her, especially since she doesn’t know it!

My big news is that I’m going to have a guest for lunch today–my friend Ilene (the one who tipped me off about Mary). Out of the blue, she suggested we get together, something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. Ilene has a boyfriend back in Canada so I asked her about the basis of our meetup–a date or a friendly get-together. She responded just two good friends hanging out. Oh well, should be fun anyway. Grilled steak, baked potato, mixed veggies, and cornbread are on the menu, with brownies and ice cream for dessert. I’m hoping to make a good impression!

That’s Ilene (the female in the photo). She used to do the Hash (Hot to Trot) but has been inactive of late. She does enjoy hiking, jogging, going to the gym, and participating in a decathlon type event know as the Spartan. She’s mid-30s with two teenaged daughters. I’m looking forward to getting to know her better.

That concludes the update portion of this post.

And here we commence with the hiking portion of today’s post…

I had a couple of kilometers to hike to reach our meet-up location. And as I passed by Columban College, a Catholic school, I noticed this sign:

And before I knew it, I blurted out “I stole a car when I was 16”. Strange magic!
My hike mates for the day were Troy…
…and Scott. Most of these photos were taken by Scott.
We took on the big mountain. The climb to the top started with these stairs…
The stairs were the easy part!
Onward and upward…
Almost there…
A scenic shot of my beer belly…
A bay view…
…a mountain view…
And a view of Barretto…
Call me a chicken, but I’d hate to be cooped up in there!
Just horsin’ around
Scott and Troy enjoying the scenery…
And on we marched…
This provides a good foundation for someone’s broken dreams…
A rare glimpse of the Great Wall of Barretto.
Let’s get outta here…
Making our way back down…
Back on the highway at last!
And lo and behold who do we see? Mama! That gal gets around!

Anyway, it was one of our better hikes. Slick and steep in places, but no crashes or fuckups (not counting Mary of course). I’d call that a pretty good day.

Alright, time for me to get cooking! I don’t want to disappoint Ilene.

On this date

I’ve posted this before, but it is worth repeating and remembering.

Here’s the latest installment in my so-called (dating) life.

Yesterday Mary and I had agreed to meet up for a few hours. She had first suggested 10:00 a.m. but I told her I wouldn’t be done with my weekly grocery shopping by then. I messaged her later that we could get together around 11. At first, I thought I’d just meet her at the mall near where she lives but then decided I didn’t feel like doing that. So, I figured I’d have my driver swing by to get her and we’d all go home together. When I reached her again she said she couldn’t leave until 2:00. Oh well, then. Meet me in Barretto.

As two o’clock approached Mary messaged me again to say she couldn’t come until 3:00. Now, I already knew she had to leave by 7:00 so I just told her never mind, it wasn’t worth the trip. She insisted she still wanted to come and I didn’t really have any other plans, so why not? Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t really blaming Mary. She’s a single mother with a disabled three-year-old son. So the only time she can get out of the house is when her Ate (Aunt) is there to babysit. This is why Mary had to leave at 7:00 in the first place; her Ate had plans.

So, I’m waiting at the 7/11 on the corner for Mary’s arrival at 3:00. Granted, traffic was bad in Barretto but when she still was not there at 3:20 I was getting frustrated. So I took the opportunity to practice having patience and within a few minutes she had arrived. Yay! Now, I had ordered some fresh strawberries from my friend Ilene and I needed to pick them up from her at Treasure Island where she works. I loaded Mary in a trike and we headed out to Baloy Beach. We sat down at the T.I. outdoor bar and Ilene, who works in reception, promptly delivered the berries. I asked Mary if she had ever been to T.I. before and she said no. So I suggested we have dinner and enjoy the beachside/poolside ambiance. Mary ordered ramyun and I went with the sweet and sour chicken. We both pronounced our meals delicious.

We still had a couple of hours to fill so we caught a trike back to my place. Some small talk at the kitchen table but then I got hungry for something else so invited Mary upstairs. We talked some more, about her possibly returning to school and about her son’s medical issues. Mary said he needs an MRI, but the cost is 15,000 pesos ($300.). Me, being me, said I would consider helping her with that. That pleased her. But it became clear she was not interested in pleasing me. Again. Mary asked me if I was mad and I honestly told her I wasn’t. Disappointed and frustrated, but not mad. I also told her that I had no interest in a sexual relationship if she did not share that interest. As I walked her back to the Jeepney stand she told me she was sorry and blamed it on her inexperience. Mary says I’m her first foreigner and the only other man she’s been with was her son’s father. She promised to be better when we meet for an overnighter on Friday.

And that’s where we left things. She drove off in the Jeepney and I headed to Mango’s for some beers. A bit later Mary sent me a message saying “I think I fall in love with you. I don’t know how to explain my feeling.” I responded, “actions speak louder than words.” And then we said our goodnights.

A bit later, I sent a message to Ilene thanking her again for the strawberries. Ilene congratulated me on my new love life. I told her that Mary is very young and then told the story of how I met her. Ilene responded, “I know her”. What? Ilene related that Mary had come to Treasure Island before with a customer who was courting her. His name is also John. And Ilene said it was the same story “I’m looking for a job”. She told me to be careful because “that girl is a liar”. Apparently Mary did a disappearing act on the other John after a few days.

Hmm. So, it would appear that Mary lied about never having been to T.I., lied about never having had a foreigner before, and who knows what else. I wonder if she even has a son, disabled or not.

I was pretty much blown away by these revelations. I mean I had kept my guard up and was monitoring the red flags, but that almost the entire story Mary had fed me was bullshit was hard to get my head around. And it still doesn’t make sense. I mean, if she hadn’t been so reluctant to fuck me, maybe she could have sucked me into whatever her ultimate scam might have been. Why lie and then not go all in?

Ilene gave me comforting words, told me what a great guy I am and any woman would be lucky to have me. I reminded her that she was the woman I had wanted for a long time, but she was never available when I was and vice-versa. Ilene agreed and promised to let me know if her situation ever changed.

I decided not to confront Mary with my new-found information last night. And I had my hike this morning. When I checked my messages later, there was one from Mary saying her son was scheduled for an MRI on Friday, and was I still willing to help? I decided to play along and told her of course, just let me know what time and I’ll come to the hospital (Baypointe) and pay with my credit card. She said she’d get back to me. Later she messaged that she had talked to the cashier and they wouldn’t accept a credit card. I responded that when I got my treatment at Baypointe I paid with a credit card. I told her I’d go to the hospital with her and get it all straightened out. After a bit, she came back and said the MRI was moved to Monday. I told her I could meet her there Monday morning before the Hash. Her last message was “thanks, I’ll let you know”. I don’t know if I’ll hear from her again or not. She must know I’ve called her bluff. Neither of us has canceled Friday’s date at this point yet either. I’m still thinking about a scenario where I’d fuck her good and hard and then confront her with my knowledge of her deceit. It’s a nice fantasy at least.

But wait, there’s more! Well, actually I’m going to save that until I know more about what more is. Don’t worry, it’s not about Mary.

My friend Ilene.

Bottom line, I’m glad I found out but I’m disappointed in myself for not seeing through the bullshit. Mary is a convincing liar, that’s for sure. You’d think a man of my age and experience would have figured that out. Then again, when you consider my history with women it is not so surprising after all.

What a life!

There’s something about Mary

What that something is I haven’t quite figured out. Maybe I never will.

Last night’s get together was something of a roller coaster ride. Mary was a little late arriving at our rendevous location and we were bumping up against the pending curfew. No trikes were available so she walked with me to the house without complaint. Mary said she wasn’t hungry, so I made up a batch of strawberry-banana smoothies.

I tried to engage her in some conversation but she seemed shyer and more reserved than during our first meeting. I’d had a few beers while waiting for her so I probably wasn’t providing much inspiration either. I remember asking her if she likes me and she responded by holding up her thumb and index finger maybe an inch apart and said “a little”. Hmm, that made me wonder why she had even bothered to come. Oh. Probably for the money. This led me to broach the subject of my being her Sugar Daddy. Mary had never heard of the concept and after I explained it she simply said “will it pay the rent?”

Mary strikes me as being quite the enigma–equal parts shy, innocent, and mercenary. But I guess desperate times require stepping out of her comfort zone. So I took her upstairs to the bedroom.

The next morning she came downstairs acting like nothing was wrong. The dogs like her at least. She didn’t want breakfast and after a couple of minutes of small talk, she asked if she could take a shower. I took her upstairs and showed how the shower water heater worked.

While she was in the bathroom, I put the rent money under her phone. She came out, saw the money, and asked “what’s this?”. I told her it was the rent money. And she didn’t want to take it. I finally told her it was her birthday present and her severance pay. She asked why and I told her I wasn’t interested in spending time with someone who couldn’t even pretend to be interested in me. Mary said, “but I really do like you a lot!”. I’m like, WTF? We just had this conversation on the bed and you agreed that you weren’t attracted to me. Her response floored me: “I really couldn’t understand much of what you were saying. You talk too fast.” So I said, well, you know, if you don’t tell me you don’t understand me, how am I supposed to explain or slow down? You kept nodding and agreeing with me, so I assumed you understood. So, anyway, we agreed that I would try to slow down my speech (my domestic helper agrees I’m hard to understand at times) and Mary will tell me to repeat myself as needed. We’ll see.

I told Mary to keep the money and consider it an advance on her first month’s salary. She reluctantly agreed to this. We haven’t really defined the terms of her employment yet. I’m just looking for a little company and companionship. And satisfying boom-boom now and then. I have no idea how that is going to work out, but I’ll give her another shot anyway I guess. I don’t really have any other irons in the fire right now.

And oh yeah. I walked her to the Jeepney stop and said goodbye. On her way home she sent me a message: “I think I’m falling in love with you.” Oh boy, here we go again. I’m a LONG way from feeling that emotion so I just told her we’d take it slowly and see where it leads us.

Bottom line: No, I don’t think she is a scammer. I think she is inexperienced and naturally shy. I’m not sure what her ultimate goal is, but it probably revolves around financial security, i.e. “the rent”. I think she has been pretty upfront about that. Now if she can just up her game and learn to make me feel special we could potentially have a win-win. Otherwise, I’m prepared to walk away.

UPDATE: I did something I very rarely do here at LTG…edited a completed post. I deleted some of the details about last night because it just seemed like too much information for a public blog. Sorry if what remains is more disjointed than usual.

Hail Mary!

I used to be indecisive. Now I don’t know.

So, I had quite an interesting finish to my otherwise disappointing day yesterday. I had been out drowning my sorrows, starting at Cheap Charlies then finishing up at Mango’s where I enjoyed views like this:

My mood had been improved considerably by the time I headed home.

And on the walk back to my house I encountered an attractive young woman on the highway. That in and of itself is not so unusual I suppose, but for some reason, I greeted this one and she responded cheerfully. After this very brief exchange, I crossed the highway and continued homeward. And the next thing I knew, he was walking a few steps ahead of me! Well, I was full of beer courage and she was so damn sexy from behind that I couldn’t resist uttering a “sweet!” loud enough for her to hear. Then she stopped, turned around, and came back to me asking what I’d said.

I repeated that she looked sweet and sexy as she walked in front of me. She smiled and thanked me. Then I asked her if she was following me? She denied it and told me she was looking for a job. I took that as a hint and said I might be interested in hiring her for the night. And then we negotiated a price, or more precisely, she accepted my offer, and we caught a trike to my house. Now, it is very unusual to find freelance prostitutes walking the streets of Barretto. And this is the first I’ve ever engaged the services of one. But there was just something different about this one, who told me her name was Mary.

When we arrived home, I introduced Mary to my dogs and asked if she’d like something to drink. She told me she didn’t drink alcohol, so I got her a coke and I opened a beer for myself. She responded affirmatively when I asked if she was hungry so I made her a tuna sandwich. And then we had a nice conversation. My first surprise was that she is only 20 years old! That’s much younger than my preferred range of 30-50. Then Mary told me that she has one child, a boy of three who suffers from cerebral palsy. She got choked up when she told me that she had agreed to come with me because she needed money for his medicine.

The more we talked the clearer it became to me that she wasn’t a prostitute at all. Mary lives in Olongapo and had come to Barretto hoping to find work as a waitress. When I encountered her on the street she had just left an unsuccessful effort at Thumbstar bar. I was very much touched by both her innocence and her sweetness. She is definitely not cut out for work in a bar. She heard my helper upstairs and when I explained who she was, Mary asked if I would hire her too. I honestly told her I didn’t need another helper (I actually have two).

Mary had finished eating and it was getting late. I was tired, drunk, and horny so I took her upstairs to the bedroom. And there I was in for another surprise! No, she doesn’t have a penis. Geez. Mary was very shy and didn’t seem at all interested in fooling around. She didn’t even want to get undressed until I gave her a t-shirt to wear, and she removed her shorts and shirt from underneath it. When she finally laid down I began tenderly rubbing her body. When I got “down there”, Mary gently pushed my hand away and matter of factly said, “thank you for respecting me”.

What the hell? It looked like my day of disappointment was going to end in frustration. But there was something different about Mary. I never want a woman to feel obligated to have sex with me, even if I am paying for it. Prostitutes are usually good at pretending but I was now more convinced than ever that Mary had no understanding what I had “hired” her to do for me. Very odd indeed, but nothing to be done about it so I rolled over and went to sleep. I tried to get frisky again once during the night, but she again gently but firmly rejected my advances. Sleep was my best and only option and so I took it.

I awoke early in the morning (4 a.m. is early even for me!) and began to get dressed. She woke up as well and dressed herself, again under the t-shirt. I asked if she wanted breakfast, she nodded, and I went downstairs to make up some bacon, eggs, and toast. She joined me in the kitchen and watched, seemingly fascinated to see a man who could cook. Then we sat at the table to eat and talked some more.

Mary told me I was the first foreigner she had ever been with and she was glad I turned about to be a nice one. I asked her about her apparent lack of interest in sex and she responded that she never has sex the first time she meets someone. For some reason, I believe her and the whole transaction the night before had been based on a colossal misunderstanding. Mary talked about her struggles with her crippled child and paying the rent. She asked if I had any ideas about where she might find employment. I told her I didn’t think she was cut out for work in a bar with the possible exception of a place like Cheap Charlies where the girls are waitresses and work for drink commissions. Mary again said she was allergic to alcohol and I said most of the girls drink coke or sprite. She asked once more if I had any work available and I said not at the moment, but I’d think about it.

It was 5 a.m. now and the Jeepneys to Olongapo were running again, so we walked to the stop. I went to get her the cash I’d promised at 7/11 but they were closed. I asked if she wanted to accept less money or walk with me across town to another ATM. She wanted to walk for the cash. And she was very sweet, taking my hand as we made our way along the highway. To be honest, Mary has both the looks and the personality of someone I could really fall for. If she only she wasn’t just 20 years old!

Anyway, I paid her what we had agreed to (notwithstanding her lack of performance), we exchanged phone numbers, and she headed off for home. We’ve exchanged a few messages throughout the day and she asked if I was busy on Saturday. I asked why and she responded, “because I want to sleep with you”. So, I guess I’ve got plans with Mary for Saturday night.

I’m not sure where this is going to go. I’m too damn old to be her boyfriend, but maybe I can be her daddy. Sugar Daddy that is. The thought has occurred to me that I could engage her for some companionship a couple of times a week. I’m talking about more than sex here–joining me on my solitary hikes or watching some TV with me would be nice as well. In return for her assuaging my loneliness, I could offer some financial support to assist her and her child. That could be a win-win situation, don’t you think?

Oh geez, here I go again!

Nothing goes as planned

Or so at least it seems. Take today for example. I thought I’d be spending the afternoon with a lady friend, enjoying lunch and a movie here at my house. In preparation, I had to forgo my morning walk so I could cook the meal and download a movie. And then I get the message from Jhen saying she was on the way but couldn’t stay because she had to go back to Olongapo for her “assessment” day. The pain from that kick in the nuts precluded my asking what the hell that is.

I’ve known Jhen for most of the time I’ve lived here. She worked at the videoke joint I’d occasionally visit with my then-girlfriend before it closed down last year. Jhen and I became Facebook friends and would message on rare occasions. I never had an interest in her as a potential girlfriend but she was smart and witty and fun to chat with. Anyway, several days ago I get a message from her asking if by chance I had an old laptop I didn’t need. She’s starting a college program that has two days of classroom attendance and three days online. I told her I didn’t at the moment but I was looking to replace my current machine and would let her know. She thanked me and mentioned that classes would be starting soon.

So, I started looking around to see if I could buy a computer locally that suited my purposes and also consulted with a friend who is much techier than me. He is having one shipped from the USA soon and offered to let me join in on the deal. So, I went on Lazada (the Philippines Amazon more or less) to see what I could find. Nothing there I wanted, but on a whim, I ordered a mid-range laptop for Jhen. I was having second thoughts about why I would spend that kind of money (almost $400) on someone who is little more than an acquaintance. And then I gave myself the speech about coming here to make a difference, getting a degree can change a life long term, blah blah blah, so I went ahead with the purchase. When I told Jhen she was equal parts surprised and ecstatic. She said she didn’t know how to thank or repay me and I told her to do well in school and be successful in life.

The laptop was delivered to my house on Tuesday and we made arrangements for our get together today. It was going to be a simple lunch–grilled burgers with beans and a veggie. The movie I had downloaded for our viewing pleasure was Pay it Forward. I thought it would be a fun way to facilitate a discussion on how she could change the world, not only for herself but for others as well. Instead, she arrived, had a glass of water, I gave her the unopened box, she thanked me, then left.

I’m not going to lie about it. I was extremely disappointed, probably as much with myself as with her. I get these grand notions of doing good in my head and it always seems to come back and bite me in the ass. No good deed goes unpunished, indeed! Well, that’s on me too. True charity expects nothing in return. And that’s what I got in this case. When I think about how pathetic and needy I’ve become it’s downright depressing. Oh well. I truly do hope Jhen does well in school and if my gift in some small way helps make that happen it was money well spent.

I was going to title this post “Pay it Forward” but I checked and saw that I had used that heading back in April 2017. That post was me bragging about sending my future caregiver Loraine to school and the good things she was doing with that education. Reading that again didn’t improve my mood a bit. I guess it’s just my destiny to live this kind of life. I doubt I’m going to stop trying to make a difference in my community of unfortunates. I just need to find a better way to go about it.

I reckon that’s enough feeling sorry for myself for one day.

Famous last words


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

It’s Hash Monday once again and seeing as how it is unlikely I’ll be in any condition to blog once I return home I thought I’d leave a little something for you faithful few now.

Nothing really significant to report. Well, other than it seems I’ve scared Jessa away. I’d explain what happened but I honestly don’t have a clue. We were chatting as per usual, mostly small talk. She told me her daughter was spending time with her aunt and I responded “as long as everyone is happy”. She asked, “Are you happy?”. I answered truthfully “it is what it is with me”. She persisted, “yes or no?”. So, I shared these song lyrics with her:


So I just let go of what I know I don’t know
And I know I only do this by
Living in the moment
Living my life
Easy and breezy
With peace in my mind
With peace in my heart
Peace in my soul
Wherever I’m going, I’m already home
Living in the moment

I really wasn’t being flip. That song had come up in my playlist while walking and it had reminded me to accept the here and now for what it is. I recalled wasting that year I spent in Pyeongtaek either lamenting what I had had and lost or stressing about what I was hoping to find in the future. I can’t think of a better definition of “unhappy”.

I sent Jessa a link to the song and she replied that she liked it. I told her that was my answer to her question–I’m not happy or unhappy, I’m living in the moment. Jessa responded, “Yep, the story of my life too”. I wasn’t exactly sure what she meant but told her “there is still a long way to go”.

Jessa answered, “ya ya”. And that’s the last I’ve heard from her. Been over 24 hours now, which is quite unusual. I normally get a couple of check-ins throughout the day along with a goodnight and a good morning. So, I obviously said something that triggered her in a way that was not intended. And yes, I’ve been stubborn about not going back and asking her what’s wrong. Maybe it’s a pride thing or maybe I just don’t want to reward behavior that I find unacceptable. Hell, just tell me what’s on your mind; don’t try to punish me with silence.

I woke up during the night and replayed our last conversation over in my head trying to understand what had happened. Maybe when she asked me “Are you happy?” she meant was I happy with her. That would have been totally out of context with our chat, but that’s all I can think of. I guess Jason Mraz lyrics wasn’t the answer she was looking for. Who knows? Anyway, I got up to check the translation for “ya ya”. It literally means “yeah yeah”. That was my thought when I first read the words, but then it kinda dawned on me that telling someone “yeah yeah” can be intended as a dismissive fuck you.

And that is where things stand. If Jessa had cared enough to pursue an actual conversation concerning my feelings towards her I would have honestly responded that while I enjoy our dates I’m not ready for a relationship. It’s just too soon for one thing. And more and more I’m thinking I’m not suited for a relationship. I might be destined to spend my final years alone.

And that’s where things stand as of now. Looking forward to a good Hash and lots of beers afterward. I’m tired of thinking about shit like this.

Generously ignorant

Greetings once again from the land where ignorance abounds! No wonder I’m such a good fit here.

We are now under “low risk modified general community quarantine”. I think perhaps this is the lowest possible level above normal and rumor has it things will never be normal again. Practically speaking, everything has remained pretty much as it was. A 9 p.m. curfew is probably the biggest inconvenience. Restaurants and bars have been allowed to reopen at 50% capacity. Waitresses must wear face shields and masks. The weirdest thing to me has been an edict from the geniuses at city hall that outside dining and drinking are not allowed. So, all the bars and restaurants that had open-air tables have had to remove them. Yeah, you heard that right–they want to control the spread of the virus by forcing everyone indoors to share the same air. The exact opposite of what the USA has done, only allowing restaurants to serve diners outside. Friends who ride motor scooters are also pissed at a rule that doesn’t allow back riders. As one puts it: “It’s okay to sleep with my girlfriend but I can’t give her a ride home in the morning.” I’m not sure what is really going on but it ain’t got nothing to do with keeping people safe. I suspect it is just ignorant people exercising newly gained power and authority ignorantly.

I’ve recently come to question my own ignorance when it comes to my gift-giving. Most of the time it works out fine, even if in a couple of instances I may have been suckered into providing help to someone not truly in need. Most of the time the assistance isn’t huge, amounting to less than $100. I usually don’t want or expect anything in return, although I did indulge that Wet Spot dancer in a little quid pro quo. That proved to be a big mistake as she constantly harrassed me for money for all kinds of “emergencies” afterward. Yep, classic bargirl scammer stuff. I eventually had to totally block her from all contact. I did see her at Wet Spot when they reopened last week–going out the door with a paying customer for a night of debauchery. Good to see her back at work!

Then there is the waitress at a certain beachside bar I’ve been known to frequent. We got to be acquainted and I also met her husband and father of her NINE kids. So, we are not really friends but she’s someone I know and have had conversations with over a period of time. A few weeks back she had a worried look about her and I asked her what was wrong. She said that school was going to be starting remotely and that she needed some Ipad-like devices so the kids could do their lessons. I asked how much that would cost and she told me 7000 pesos ($140). Hmm. Well, I have a soft spot for the kiddies, and helping them continue getting an education during these difficult times seemed like a worthy cause. So the next day (I don’t carry that much cash around) I brought her the needed money. She was ecstatic and offered to provide me proof of purchase. I told her that wasn’t necessary. She asked if she could do my laundry or clean my house and I told her I already have people for that. The devil on my shoulder was whispering in my ear but I ignored him–she’s a married woman and I don’t need that kind of trouble! Anyway, it was a feel-good moment for me and I was glad I could help.

Last night this same waitress began sending me messages. I wasn’t sure where she got my phone number at first, then realized it must have been from the tracking roster we are required to complete as part of the quarantine rules. Anyway, she eventually got around to telling me about some medical issues she has encountered and that the treatment she needs will cost 5000 pesos that she doesn’t have because she missed time from work due to illness. I have no reason to question the veracity of her story, but I was taken aback regardless. She’s a waitress at a place I like to drink, nothing more. I helped her out once but that doesn’t make me responsible to provide for her medical care or anything else. I found it all very off-putting. I wrote back that I was sorry to hear about her trouble, wished her a speedy recovery, and told her I was unable to assist financially. And now I’m going to need to find a new place to drink I guess. I really don’t like being tagged as a sucker and that’s how I feel. And yes, it’s my own damn fault.

Have I learned my lesson? Not if buying a $400 laptop for an acquaintance is any indication. I will save that story for another day. It’s still possible it will have a happy ending. I do seem to be generously ignorant although I’m not feeling the bliss. My intentions are good but perhaps I’m going about it wrong. I’ll figure it out eventually I suppose.

Ah okay, I feel better now. A good pun will cure just about anything.

Buddy ran into his friend Buday on our walk this morning. Haven’t seen her around the ‘hood for weeks and I was actually a little worried about her. I’m hoping someone has adopted her. She looked well-fed or maybe she’s pregnant. Again.

Buddy’s got a girlfriend!

Here’s a couple of shots from yesterday’s hike that Scott posted:

Fisherkids…
One of them caught a bag of cookies. I told her to share though!
Kids in a creek. They scored some cookies too.
Home is where the heart is.

And that’s about it from here for now. I think it is important to keep things in perspective though. I mean, I wear the mask, not because I think it helps but because it’s the law of the land and I’m a guest in this country. But that said, if you think of wearing the mask as practice it takes on a whole new meaning.

Sounds right.

Tired and alive

I’ll cop to being something of a wuss when it comes to being ill. This bout with whatever in the hell it is is no exception. It’s a congestion issue, starting a couple of days ago in the sinuses and now firmly embedded in my lungs. This means I’m coughing a lot and that certainly is an attention-getter during these troubled days of the pandemic.

Speaking of which, although some of my symptoms are similar to what I’ve read people with the coronavirus suffer, I’m reasonably certain I’m not one of them. No fever for one thing. And my cough is “wet” and full of phlegm. I do feel weak and tired, but I attribute that to a lack of sleep. Laying down exacerbates the cough. Last night I tried to stack my pillows so I could sleep in a more upright position but it wasn’t very comfortable. When I’m not coughing I’m wheezing. Ever tried to sleep with someone whistling in your ear?

Anyway, the helper bought me some kind of pill for the cough and I’m drinking lots of green tea with honey and lemon. I haven’t even stepped outside of the house today, just wanting to rest and let this illness run its course. I’m also sensitive about not selfishly spreading whatever it is to others.

I do expect I’ll recover and be back to blogging about my usual bullshit soon.

Handyman

As is my habit, I turned on the air conditioner in my bedroom before going to bed. I usually wake up a few hours later feeling chilly so I have to get up and turn it off. But last night when I awoke my room was still warm. Even in my sleepy stupor, I found that odd. As I attempted to go back to sleep my mind was wondering what was wrong with the a/c unit and what would be involved in fixing it.

A couple of hours later I was awakened again, this time by a dog barking outside in the street. It was quite loud, so I got up to see what was going on. It was then that I discovered I had failed to close my windows. This explained both why the barking was so annoying and why my room had remained so warm. I closed the windows which fixed the problem with the air-con. I slept pretty well after that.

In totally unrelated news, I did a small bar crawl last night. A couple of my old favorites had just reopened and I felt it would be appropriate to show my support. I started out at Captain’s Arms. I was disappointed that the manager I knew from the Hash wasn’t working. I had actually gone to see her specifically, wanting to tease her about finding her profile on a dating website I visit. I was the only customer and the two waitresses on duty gave me their full and undivided attention. Turns out they were thirsty from not having a lady drink commission since the reopening. Naturally, I bought them each a drink before leaving. No vibe at all in this bar though and unless my manager friend returns I doubt I will.

Next up was Wet Spot which had just opened that afternoon. There was a pretty good “crowd” of eight or so guys, all sitting around the manager’s table. What was different though was that unlike other bars that have reduced staff (under the new rules they can only seat to 50% capacity) there must have been twenty or more gals sitting around waiting for something to do. No dancers however which is pretty bizarre. Again, it was all just too weird for me, so it was one beer and out. I’ll give them a try again in a week or so to see how things shake out.

Then I popped into Alaska Club, another old favorite. In fact, Alaska was the first bar I ever visited in the Philippines, although that was back when it was located in Angeles City. The owner is home in the USA right now, there were no dancers and just one other customer. Just not the same atmosphere I used to enjoy. One beer and done here as well.

I finished my night at my new old favorite, Mango’s. Sat in my regular seat beachside on the back patio, drank beer, ate grilled pork chops, and watched the light show as a thunderstorm rolled across the bay. It was a nice way to end the night.

Anyway, the bars are trying to make a comeback but it is nothing like it was and I fear that many are bound to fail. The expat community isn’t large enough to support all the drinking establishments and it doesn’t look like tourists are going to be allowed back in the country anytime soon. It’s those “two-week millionaires” that generate the revenue needed to make a profit.

It appears that I’m going to become the cliche old man ranting about the good ole days. Time will tell. Now get off my lawn!

Rejection

Continuing on with yesterday’s theme, it turns out there are worse things than nothing. Yeah, I already knew that but bear with me.

Met up with some friends/Hashers for a few beers at Cheap Charlies. Always nice to have company and some folks around to punish with my witty repartee and bad jokes. When they’d had enough of that nonsense I wasn’t ready to call it a day, so I moseyed over to Mango’s for some beachside drinking and dining (I had chicken fingers so that counts).

Anyway, there is a gal there who works in the front office that I call Gee. I always say hello when I pass by her desk and she offers a smiling response for my effort. I find her quite attractive in a mature, non-bargirl kind of way. She wasn’t working when I arrived last night but as I was sipping my beer she came out on the back patio to greet me. That was a first! We chatted a bit and I asked her if she was a manager at Mango’s and their sister resort, D’Kudos. She nodded and said, “actually, I’m an investor in both”. I’m not sure what got into me (besides the beer of course) but I started asking her more personal questions. Like how old are you (39) and do you have a boyfriend (not currently). I then asked her why an attractive woman such as herself didn’t have a boyfriend and she told me that she hadn’t found the kind of man she’s looking for. My oh my! My next question was the obvious one: “would you like to get together with me for dinner sometime?” She looked at me in a peculiar way, maybe it was pity or maybe she found me pathetic, and simply said “no.” She did add that she appreciates my support of Mango’s and hopes to see me dining there often.

Ouch. After Gee walked away the sky and water took on an odd red hue. Maybe mother nature was blushing after witnessing my humiliation.

I finished my beer and left. The smoothie I made at home with the frozen fresh strawberries was most excellent.

This morning I joined up with Scott, Jim, and Troy for a steep climb and hot walk.

The guys.
Dicey steps to start the climb.
Scott must have been channeling Günter because he picked one of the steepest trails up the mountain I’ve experienced. Hard work it was!
A view along the way…
…and another from a little higher.
Workin’ it!
A cabin in the woods. Honestly, if I lived up there I might only leave once a week or so. That climb kicked my ass.
But the Candyman had work to do…
The grass was taller than me in places…
But as always, it was good to be out and about.
I hope you enjoyed this post. And yes, our trail was that steep!

Going to attempt a light bar crawl tonight. Captain’s Arms and Wet Spot have both reopened. And I’ve promised the door girls at Alaska that I’d visit the bar “soon”. A man is no better than his word after all. And I know how it feels to be rejected.

I see dead people

Not literally of course. But I do seem to get my share of messages from the realm of the unknown quite often these days. Or maybe it is just my imagination.

On this morning’s stroll, I passed by some housing I never really noticed before. Just a duplex looking place on a street I’ve walked dozens of times. But for some reason, I noticed the names of the residents above the address/mail slot.

It’s a crappy photo, but can you make out the names? Love and Faith.

What are the odds that Love and Faith would wind up being neighbors? I guess technically you can’t have one without the other. Maybe I’m reading too much into this. I suppose the people living there did this as an inside joke or something, but if so, they went to a lot of trouble doing it. Those names are erected in rebar and welded to the gate. No, I prefer to think that Faith and Love have found each other and are living happily ever after on Villas Street. Or maybe the Gods are telling me to have faith and open my heart to love. One of those.

Anyway, not much else interesting going on in my life today. I do have my afternoon walk to complete yet, so maybe I’ll find a message in a bottle or something. In the meantime, here are some photos Scott posted from yesterday’s hike:

We went around Black Rock mountain rather than over it.
And I was spreading sweetness in the form of candy along the way…
I do try to make sure there is an adult around. Yeah, it is a little creepy for an old guy to give kids candy I suppose. And I want a parent around to make sure the kids share and not fight over it.
These gals were friendly and smiling so I rewarded their sweetness.
Near the end of the hike, I encountered these “regulars” who upon seeing me immediately started clamoring for candy. I was glad I had something left to give them!
Walk on and see what tomorrow will bring.

Actually, tomorrow is going to bring another group hike. Stay tuned!