So, I’ve taken some time to sincerely think about and digest the thoughtful comments I received to the post entitled “Live and learn”. That proved to be an apt title I guess. There were so lessons to be learned thanks to the brutally honest feedback I received. So, thanks again for that.
Other than Kevin, I’m don’t think the commenters have had the unique pleasure of meeting me in person. Being known only for what you write and share on a blog like this is a two-edged sword I suppose. I try to be honest with my readers in my diary-like ramblings, but some things of necessity may be left unsaid and others might be overemphasized because they are standout moments in an otherwise mundane life. So, I think in some ways I might create an impression that I’m something that I’m not. Like being a player that has random and regular sexual encounters for example. By my count, I’ve been with twelve women in the 27 months I’ve lived here. Several of those I was dating, others were one night stands with bargirls, and a couple were friends with benefits type encounters. On the other hand, I’ve come to question my own self-awareness lately so maybe what seems like nothing out of the ordinary is actually quite perverted in the eyes of others.
Anyway, I’m not here to make excuses and I do intend to take the advice I’ve been given in good faith to heart. Whether that will result in my actually changing any destructive behaviors remains to be seen. I do want to respond to a couple of points made in those comments just to explain where I’m coming from.
From Kevin:
…we can at least be sure that your feelings for J don’t amount to love. At this point, I’d say it’s clear that there’s no seriousness at all regarding your relationship with J, and that you’re content to use women the way they may or may not be using you.
I guess I could cop out and just say “it’s complicated”. J seems special and different somehow, but yeah, when it comes right down to it, she scares me. A few days ago she was talking like she was ready to dump her boyfriend for me and I was surprised my reaction wasn’t joy at all, more like panic. I guess I was able to dissuade her from making a hasty decision, but it made me realize that I wasn’t ready to take on the responsibility of being her only man and everything that goes with that. Maybe I’m not her best option.
Has it occurred to you that your ex is probably aware you’ve been with J, and this is the ex’s way of re-marking her “territory”?
She definitely knows now as I told her I’d been dating J. And I think I’ve made it clear that while I hope we can remain friends, there is no going back to where we were relationship-wise.
If you really are seeking some sort of love and companionship, you have to start by eliminating the transactional dimension of your “relationships.”
Yeah, I can now see that I’ve brought a transactional element into my relationships here and that is inconsistent with the love and companionship I’ve claimed to be seeking. So the question is now am I willing and able to change?
From Brian:
Honestly, you should probably swear off women in your locale. Too much of a “small town” vibe. Drama everywhere. If you want/need to sow your oats, take a long weekend and go to city XXX (wherever that is) and repeat as needed.
Yes, living in a small takes some getting used to that’s for sure. Here’s an example from this week: I’m walking home from Baloy beach and suddenly this woman pops out of the bushes in front of me (I believe she was avoiding the checkpoint on this highway). She smiled and said “you’re the guy who is always at Mangos”. Then I recognized her as the woman I’d seen on the beach there several times, just standing around. She explained that she was tapping into Mangos free wi-fi. She then asked where I was going and I told her “home”. Then she offered me a massage. Hmm. Attractive enough and I do enjoy a good massage so I agreed. And yes, I know this seems to confirm the points Kevin made above. Anyway, we get here and it turns out she actually is a trained masseuse and did an outstanding job. When she was done she asked if I wanted a “happy ending” and I told her not this time. So, maybe I’m not totally ruled by my little head!
James left a humorously sarcastic comment, but he did make some fair points, including this:
However, being a fair man, it will come as no shock to you to find that you will apply the same harsh judgment on yourself when you fail to live up to your rules. It becomes harder and harder to rationalize your actions and then your rules become in danger of being obsolete.
I honestly hadn’t considered that to the extent I’ve rendered harsh judgments on others, I’ve also been guilty of the same infractions. I do seem to have some self-awareness issues.
Megan’s comment probably stung the most, perhaps because it rang so true:
If anyone has followed your blog posts, they would see that you have been married four times, had multiple relationships along the way (married and single), and profess about “falling in love” every other day. While reading your diatribe of “oh golly, I’m just doomed to be unlucky in love” might had some resonance, your abhorrent actions tell another story. Stop acting like a lovesick Romeo and embrace your lust filled persona in full force. Eventually, it seems to just be a ‘trick the reader’ into feeling guilty for me scheme.
It is never my intention to “trick” readers, I think what you are seeing is me not being honest with myself. But yeah, I’m the common denominator in every failed relationship I’ve been involved with, so I acknowledge that. I actually did a post tallying up the score of my lifetime of failed loves. I took the blame for some of those, but maybe not enough. I especially appreciated Megan’s perspectives as woman in declaring my actions as abhorrent. And her advice to embrace my true nature and stop pretending to want love has some resonance as well.
Again, thanks to all of you.
So, now what? I’m honestly wondering whether it is even possible to change what I’ve become at this late stage of my life. I really can’t deny that I’m both a broken man and my own worst enemy. Being willfully blind about that is no longer an option. I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do long term (or as long term as it gets for a man about to turn 65), but for now at least I’m going to just stop pursuing relationships. Better to be alone than to keep on hurting people. Including myself.
I’ll be meeting with J. later this afternoon and I’ll give her the news. Not sure how she will react, maybe she’ll be relieved. Several times now she has told me I deserve to find a good woman. When I tell her I think she is a good woman she says “a good woman wouldn’t cheat on her boyfriend”. So, yeah, I’m not doing her any favors I think making her feel that way. Especially now that I’m doubting my ability to follow through.
The ex has been leaving me alone since I told her about J. and said she couldn’t stay at my house anymore. I know my half-assed dual messaging has not been good for her either. Maybe now she’ll move on.
And I’ll be alone and making the best of those sorry circumstances. As my readers have reminded me, I’ve earned every bit of it.
But what a fool believes he sees
No wise man has the power to reason away
What seems to be
Is always better than nothing
There’s nothing at all
But what a fool believes he sees…