“It is during the darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.”
–Aristotle

Things are actually going quite well for me I suppose. Nothing much has changed really, other than perhaps my outlook and perceptions. I’ll give some credit to the Unfuck Yourself book, most of which is just common sense reminders of things I may have forgotten along the way. The “I’ve got this” reference comes from Chapter 4 of said book which speaks about looking back at how we’ve overcome past hurdles that seemed insurmountable at the time and then thinking confidently that whatever obstacles the future may bring will similarly be conquered. The author says our brains are wired to win and we sabotage ourselves by letting negative thoughts control our subconscious. Anyway, none of this is rocket science or an earth shattering new discovery. It’s all about attitude.

“If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be content to take their own and depart.”
–Socrates

The other takeaway from Chapter 4 was the reminder that in the grand scheme of things my problems are relatively meaningless. Actually, I’ve been well aware of that fact for quite some time, all the more so since moving to the Philippines. I can just look around me and observe the daily struggles of people here to put food on the table to fully understand how little my disappointments and hurt feelings truly matter in an unforgiving universe. As I’ve reflected on this obvious truth it occurred to me that there is absolutely no one here I’d want to trade places with should such an opportunity arise. I truly am blessed and the more I appreciate that fact the better off I’ll be. Life is just too damn short to waste it on sorrow and regret.

What else is going on in my world? Well, really just more of the same. And there’s nothing wrong with that!

I’ve been getting my steps in. Averaging over 20,000 per day this past week. Still carrying that extra weight around though. Turns out is is much easier to put in on than to take it off. Go figure.

Another first place finish is darts yesterday. That’s three in a row, but who’s counting?

And I continue to very much appreciate the beauty of this place I now call home. That’s last night’s sunset.

I’m a lucky man!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89g1P_J40JA

It’s been a nada kind of day. Which is a helluva lot better than a bad day, that’s for sure.

Just the routine rituals…walking the dog, walking my increasingly fat old self, taking a nap.

My morning walk took me past Marissa’s place so I snapped a photo for old times sake.

So yeah, the on again off again thing with Marissa has been off for awhile now. We’ve taken some tentative steps towards maintaining some kind of friendship. So far that has entailed meeting up for a few beers and songs at the karaoke joint. I enjoy the occasional company I suppose. And honestly I’m getting back into the “love who needs it?” mode. Well, I say that but my mind could be changed. For now I just want to play the field, such as it is. Had several prospects from the dating sites on the line but I’ve just not been able to return their enthusiasm. I feel shitty about that. Not intentionally playing with their emotions, but I’m going to put myself first for a change. No more “Mr. Nice Guy” and all that crap. Or so I say…

Did a little more poetry reading this afternoon, and came across this in one of my James Kavanaugh books:

I found this poem bookmarked by an old rose I must have given to a former love. I’m not sure if the rose was placed there randomly or not, but the poem does resonate with me…

Everything can change, for good or ill, in the blink of an eye. I’m just going to enjoy the ride as best I can.

And while I wait to meet there is always meat.

Did some grillin’ and chilliin’ this afternoon as well.

And now I reckon I’ll head out to throw some darts and quaff some brews on this best of all possible Friday nights.

Faded photograph
Covered now with lines and creases
Tickets torn in half
Memories in bits and pieces

I close my eyes and say a prayer
That in her heart she’ll find
A trace of love still there
Somewhere

“If human emotions largely result from thinking, then one may appreciably control one’s feelings by controlling one’s thoughts–or by changing the internalized sentences, or self-talk, with which one largely created the feeling in the first place.”
–Albert Ellis

So yep, I working on upping my self-talk game by emphasizing the positives in my life rather than the failures. It’s not as easy as it sounds especially when faced with yet another disappointment, the details of which I’ll spare you. There’s much, much more good than bad in my life and even what may feel like a failure now could well prove to be an opportunity down the road. Regardless, much better to count my blessings rather than my heartbreaks, right?

First time back on the scales since my vacation to the states and it wasn’t good news–I gained ten pounds! Not really a surprise given the way I was eating high card junk snacks coupled with a serious decrease in my exercise routine. So, I have a new goal to strive for and I am on it! (see more positive self-talk!)

Today’s walk on the beach revealed that the Arizona floating bar is back in operation. Not that I go there much, but it means rainy season is officially over. These next few months are the best time of the year here, or so I am told.

Not a whole lot else to report from here. Had a chat with Gina and let her know I’m not ready for a relationship just yet. She seemed to take that disappointment in stride. We’ll see. I’m gonna follow through on the date with Jessa tomorrow although I don’t foresee a future with her either. I think it’s best that I use this particular time in my life to just embrace the adventure and enjoy what each day may bring.

“It’s not that you have to find the answer, you are the answer.”
–Gary John Bishop

So, Marissa prevailed upon me to visit Alley Cats bar with her. It was the first time I’d been there in over a week after having been an almost daily regular. Felt a little strange being back to be honest. The Wednesday night dart tournament was in full swing and the place was packed. Lots of folks gave me a warm greeting and a welcome back, so I guess that was nice.

One thing that had changed since my departure is that the bar now features a designated smoking area. Alley Cats was one of the few places that still allowed smoking in the bar–in violation of a nationwide executive order and an Olongapo city ordinance. Apparently someone dropped a dime and reported the bar to the Barangay office and they sent an investigator out who ordered that the bar establish a proper smoking area in compliance with the law. So a storage closet was converted for that purpose. I’m not a smoker but I was never bothered by the folks who did smoke in the bar. The only person I ever did hear complain was Alan, so he was the prime suspect in ratting out the bar.

I don’t rag on my fellow expats much and never had any real problems with Alan, he was just one of those people I instinctively didn’t care for. A retired New Yorker with a whiny little bitch attitude. A good dart thrower but a bit of a dick when he plays. The last time I played against him he needed one bulls eye to win the game but kept throwing for points instead. They have a name for people like that, the most polite being “loser”. Like I told my partner at the time “as long as he keeps throwing points instead of the winning dart, we are still in the game”. And sure enough we managed to come back from a huge deficit and beat him. It was sweet, but I bit my tongue and didn’t say anything, better for me if he keeps playing stupid darts.

Anyway, last night he was sitting at the table opposite of mine waiting for his next match in the dart tourney. And as I was enjoying some vaping he said something along the lines of “I thought we got rid of the smokers in here”. I gave my standard response of “it’s not smoke, it’s vapor” and he came back with something idiotic like “it’s the same thing”. And for whatever reason I lost it. Yeah, I was drunk, but I’m normally a friendly drunk. I said something like “you know what, fuck you if you don’t like it. I don’t want you to talk to me again”. His comeback was “don’t worry, I won’t”. I distinctly remember putting my hands together, looking up at the ceiling, and saying “thank you God for small mercies”. Then I went back to vigorously puffing on my vape pen. I guess I used my big voice in the above exchange because I noticed even the dart players had paused their game to watch.

I ignored Alan after that. A couple of folks expressed appreciation for my having called out the prick but I wasn’t particularly proud of the way I handled it. A few minutes later Alan quit midway through the tournament (a dick move screwing over his partner) and left the bar. Told you he was a punk! Later the bar owner came over and said he had complained to her about my vaping. She had pulled up the smoking ordinance on her phone and showed me that it specifically excludes electronic cigarettes. Her attitude was if Alan doesn’t like it he is welcome to not come back. Marissa told me later that Alan is not popular with the girls because he is a cheap charlie, never buys a lady drink and usually just drinks water himself. I’m pretty sure I used to spend more in a night than he does in a week so I should win the most valuable customer prize, at least between us two. Oh well, like I say, it is not a good thing to lose your temper that way. Things can escalate in a hurry and someone winds up hurt or in jail or both. Just not worth it. I need to channel my inner Bruce Lee:

After all the excitement I wound up staying for a couple of more beers. When I was ready to leave Marissa came outside with me. I tried to call a trike for her but she took my hand and said she was going to get me home safe. So off we went, my ability to resist was nil. When we arrived at the house, my helper Tere did her usual disappearing act, hustling up the stairs to her room. Her friend Gina who is visiting didn’t run away which made Marissa happy. In fact, we all grabbed beers from the fridge and sat on the back patio drinking and talking. It was actually quite pleasant.

When it was time for bed Marissa of course joined me. We had passionate sex and then slipped into a drunken slumber. I was up for the 6 a.m. sunrise as usual and she came downstairs maybe an hour later. We walked to Harley’s for breakfast and then I put her in a trike and sent her on home. I got a message later thanking me again for the money. She had paid her rent and sent some to her sister in Manila, telling her sister it was “from her ex”. So, we seem to both be clear on our relationship status. And that’s for the best.

Sorry, if the conclusion to this post proved to be anti-climatic. But that was more than enough drama for me, thank you very much!

Yesterday I had a shopping trip to San Fernando.

With traffic and road construction it’s about 1.5 hours each way. But I needed to order some custom-sized window blinds and they had a store there that I couldn’t find in Olongapo.

Words of wisdom were on sale but I took a photo and saved the money.
“Don’t spend your life with someone you can live with. Spend your life with someone you can’t live without”
Hmm. You talking to me?

Had to hurry back home for my “date night” with the Treasure Island gals. In fact, my driver just waited while I showered and dressed. Then we picked them up and headed out to the old Navy base for dinner.

My company for the evening (L-R) Ru Ru, Kat, Gwapo John, and Jessa.

We dined at Texas Joe’s, the best American style BBQ joint I’ve found thus far.

I had the ribs and chicken combo. Honestly, the ribs couldn’t hold a candle to the ones I enjoyed at Mango’s the other day. Ah, but the beans and cole slaw were outstanding!

As was the company….

After dinner, we went to the movies and saw “Johnny English”. I found it funny enough but the girls were cackling with laughter throughout. Much better than our last movie experience for sure.

Then we went to the Pier 1, an outdoor nightspot on base. Live music from a couple of decent bands. The bar service was really slow, but otherwise it was a pleasant way to cap off the evening. Got home after 11 p.m. which is late for me. Had my driver drop me off first and the gals all wanted to come in and see my place. So they did that, used the bathroom, and then headed on out to their destination.

It was a good night. The only one of the gals I’m really interested in is Jessa, but she has given next to nothing that indicates she has a reciprocal interest. At best I fear I’m stuck in the friend zone. At worst, I’m the financier for a “girls night out”. Oh well, I think if the next date isn’t a solo one, I’ll bow out on paying for it.

Tonight I have a special Hash event–a bar crawl. That’s a first for me with this group and should be a nice change from my solitary drinking routine. You can read about it here tomorrow. Stay tuned!

I’m walkin’ down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I’m bound, I can’t tell
But goodbye’s too good a word, gal
So I’ll just say fare thee well
I ain’t sayin’ you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don’t mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don’t think twice, it’s all right

So yesterday was a bit out of the ordinary. Here’s how it went down:

I was feeling out of sorts to begin with, so after taking Buddy for a walk I just wasn’t motivated enough to get back on the road for another hour. Took a nap instead.

Having exhausted my supply on some of my prescription meds I needed to see a doctor so I could get refills. My recollection was that the clinic hours at Lourdes hospital were 1-5 p.m. No appointments, you see the doctor on a first come first served basis. Not ideal, but what are you gonna do?

While waiting for one o’clock to roll around I heard from Marissa via text. Not that unusual really. Since our breakup I get a “good morning” or “how are you?” type message almost everyday. Anyway, she told me she was feeling stressed. Her sister in Manila needed money for her sick child, but Marissa couldn’t help her and in fact she said she hadn’t even paid her own rent yet. Long story short, I offered her the equivalent of $100 to help get her through the crisis. I do have a “charity” budget and lately people I know in need have been the recipients. In a way I feel a little responsible for Marissa’s financial woes. When I had “boyfriend” status and was hanging out at Alley Cats all the time, her regular customers weren’t inclined to buy her drinks, the commissions from which is the sole source of her income. In fact, her best customer actually told her she was “fired” from him ever buying her drinks again. What a jerk! Anyway, one of my reasons for taking a break from Alley Cats was to give myself some space and for her to be able to re-establish some customer relationships. I hope that works out for her.

Made it to the hospital a little after one. I brought my helper Tere along to help me navigate through the getting in to see a doctor process. There were quite a few folks waiting in the lobby so I was afraid it would be a long wait, but I made it inside with the doc in less than an hour. The doctor was pleasant enough. Asked me if I was American and I acknowledged the fact. He told me he saw the name “McCrarey” and was hoping I wasn’t another Australian because he couldn’t understand their English. That made me chuckle. Anyway, we talked about my meds and their purpose (COPD and enlarged prostate). He changed one of my inhalers to a higher dose, saying it would work better for me in the humid climate of the Philippines. In fact, I had noticed that lung/breathing issues were somewhat exacerbated lately so hopefully this will help.

The hospital pharmacy had none of the three medications their clinic doctor had just prescribed, so I walked back into the major drug store in Barretto. They had two of the three, so I’ll need to find a bigger drugstore for the third I reckon.

Having completed my tasks for the day (I had a pot roast already cooking in the crockpot) I messaged Marissa to arrange the money handover. Decided to meet her at a nearby bar called Toucan which has a nice outdoor seating area. This was my first visit to this particular bar. I had seen on one of the internet forums that it had been for sale. Apparently, there is a new American owner now. Anyway, I’m sitting out there alone at one of the big tables, and several gents from inside came out to smoke. I was surprised they chose to sit at “my” table (there was another empty one) but hey, the more the merrier. They commenced to talking amongst themselves and an Aussie guy was saying what an asshole the new owner of Toucan was. An American (the owner of another bar called Dive Inn) responded that he was there in fact to warn the Toucan owner to tone it down before he wound up dead. Yeah, you don’t want to piss off the wrong people in this town, that’s for sure.

So about this time Marissa arrives and it turns out the Aussie knew her from her days working at a bar called General’s. I also learned that the Aussie bitching about the new Toucan owner was the former owner of Toucan. And the American Dive Inn bar owner used to own General’s. And he had previously fired Marissa and they hated each other. Fun times! Oh, and our waitress was trying to recruit Marissa to work there, bragging that she had made 1500 pesos for a one hour “barfine” (that means leaving the bar and fucking the customer, you know, prostitution). Understandably, Marissa preferred another venue so we moved on to Cheap Charlies for more beer.

A couple of beers later I was getting hungry but not feeling like going home for the pot roast I had prepared. So, off to Mango’s we went. I had some grilled Mahi Mahi which was quite excellent. Marissa had a Filipino dish–sizzling sisig. That was overcooked to the point of being blackened and ruined. Oh well, the beers were good. And we had a good talk about the issues that led to our relationship’s demise. I was feeling about finished at this point, but Marissa practically begged me to go with her to Alley Cats for “just one more beer”. Against my better judgement I finally relented and agreed.

I’m going to need to continue this story in part 2, either later tonight or tomorrow. I’ve got a “date” with the Treasure Island gals (Jessa, Kat, and Ru Ru) for dinner and a movie. Part 2 will be the most interesting part of my day, I promise!

See you here soon!

Well, they say when you get bucked off a horse you just have to pick yourself up and kill the motherfucker. Then you find a new horse to ride.

In that vein, I rejected Cherry’s attempt to reconcile and moved on to the next two dating site possibilities. Had dinner last night with Caren, a gal who lives here in Barretto.

I had the baby back ribs and they might have been about the best I’ve ever eaten. So tender and juicy! The dish in the background is some seafood medley thing that Caren professed to enjoy.

The sunset from Mango’s back deck was awesome as well…

Not much to say about Caren. Unemployed, not much of a conversationalist, and I didn’t find her physically attractive. The only thing mildly interesting about her was her professed bisexuality. So we had a pleasant dinner and I sent her home. Next!

I’m chatting with an Olongapo gal named Cynthia. She’s a licensed nursing assistant and seems to be intelligent and can hold up her end of a written conversation at least. She claims she likes to walk so I may see about joining her soon and see where that goes.

And it looks like it will be back to the movies tomorrow with Jessa and friends. Was hoping for a solo date, but maybe it’s better this way.

I’m one week out from departing for the USA, so I doubt I’ll have much time to do any pursuing until I get back. Lots of Hash related activities on tap for the coming days. A Friday night pub crawl, a special Hash in Pundaquit on Saturday, the regular Hash on Monday. Then Tuesday I’ll apparently be participating in something called a “Boonduckit” (phonetic). It’s all kind of hush-hush so I’m not sure what all is involved but I’m told it is wild. We shall see.

Ride ’em cowboy!

Ride em, cowboy
Don’t let em throw you down
You can’t make no money
If you hit the ground
They said, ride em cowboy
Don’t let em throw you down
You’re the toughest cowboy in town

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TuqzMiDYBfM

…and I’m not talking about the weather (which has been sunny and unseasonably hot).

Tonight’s the, well, cherry date with Cherry. We meet at 7:00 so I’ve still got some hours to fill with anticipation. Meanwhile, my initial forays back on the dating sites continue to spark some interest amongst the lonely lovelies out there. Well, honestly, quite a few of them are not all that lovely. I don’t know what it is but it seems most of the woman tagging me are late 50s and up, definitely NOT my demographic. Ah well, it goes with the territory I suppose.

So last night I decided to change it up. Instead of the bars of Barretto I hit Baloy Beach. These are hotel bars so no dancers and no drink sluts juicy girls. I really needed a break from that scene. I’m also on a self-imposed hiatus from Alley Cats (the dart bar). My reasoning is that every hour I spend there is a distraction from my quest for greater fulfillment. I’m just too comfortable in that place so I’m getting out of my comfort zone.

For the first time ever I ventured into Harley’s Hotel bar. I don’t know why I’ve avoided it in the past, it was actually quite nice.

I sat outside. Just me, my beer, and a pleasant view.

I had intended to do a bar crawl including Blue Rock resort, Treasure Island, Lagoon, Da’ Kudos, Johan’s and maybe South Sea Pearl if I was still standing. But whilst enjoying my second beer at Harley’s I got a message from Jessa, the birthday girl I wrote about last week. She saw my Facebook post about doing Baloy and wanted me to join her at Treasure Island for beers (she was due to finish work in a few minutes). So I hustled on over.

First time I’d ever got the impression that Jessa had any interest in me other than as a customer/friend. We sat and talked and drank for around three hours. I told her about my four failed marriages, and she talked about how her father died when she was two and her mother abandoned the family shortly afterwards. No one has seen her mom since. Bizarre. If I understood correctly Jessa’s daughter has an American father who is also out of the picture. Anyway, it was a fun and interesting evening.

And now I’m thinking it might develop where I’ll be in a situation of having to make some choices. Which is really, really getting ahead of myself I know. I’m very excited about meeting Cherry and I’m very hopeful we connect in a positive way (and that she is who she purports to be in her Date in Asia profile). But I’m also going to see about spending some more time getting to know Jessa better as well.

Feast or famine it seems, but always good to have choices. Not that my track record of making good choices is anything to blog about. We’ll see.

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway
And I wonder if I’m really with you now
Or just chasing after some finer day.

And tomorrow we might not be together
I’m no prophet, I don’t know natures way
So I’ll try to see into your eyes right now
And stay right here, ’cause these are the good old days.

I asked Cherry if she’d like to go on a date tomorrow and she said “yes!”. And she prefers dinner to lunch. I’d call that a start.

And I’m actually more than a little nervous!

I gave her a couple of options and she wants to try Korean grilled meats. That’s a good sign!

Anyway, keeping my expectations in check. Just going to enjoy the experience and see if we both feel there is anything worth pursuing beyond a first date. I’d love to bring her to the Hash on Monday, but we’ll see about that.

Damn, I should have taken up fishing months ago!