XXXX came out of the bedroom this morning carrying a bag full of the clothes she had left here. I knew at the moment she was leaving for good. I had to press her to get her to admit that fact though. As to the why, the best she could come up with was that I wasn’t happy with her. She wasn’t entirely wrong about that, but I wasn’t the one who was so willing to give up. Then again, I guess she has another option waiting in the wings.

Yesterday afternoon I went to XXXX’s place to see her. Of course, she was seated with Dick and his pals. That morning we had planned to spend some time together doing something unspecified–maybe some time at the beach or watching movies on TV. XXXX did come outside to join me but seemed distracted somehow. I asked her what she wanted to do and she didn’t have any suggestions. I asked about dinner, and she said where? I suggested Mango’s or somewhere on Baloy. She said let’s just get takeout and eat at your place.

And then it got kind of weird. She’s sitting right next to me but starts sending text messages. “You go first, I’ll meet you at your place”. I answered verbally, no, let’s go and order our food together and go home together. Another message that she wanted to leave separately. Well, I wasn’t going to fight about it then and there, but I knew this was a subject that required some serious discussion. I went to Mango’s and ordered pork chops and roast chicken for takeout. When the food was ready I texted her to meet me outside Mango’s (it’s only a block from her place). She told me to wait. So I waited. After several minutes, I texted back in frustration “where are you?”. No response. Fuck this, I walked back to her place. She was sitting outside alone. She said I ordered kebabs. Why? I’ve already got the food. About this time the kebabs came, she put them with the rest of the food and told me to go first and she would meet me at home. Whatever. I left.

I admit I was in a sour mood after she arrived. We ate in silence, then watched a movie on Netflix, and then went to bed. This morning she packed up and left me.

So, she says it’s because of my behavior as described above. Since I got angry with her it means I’m not happy in the relationship. Maybe she’s right and maybe I’m the one who should have left her. But I was willing to at least try and find a way to make it work. She wasn’t.

Isn’t that the story of my life?

For I shall always let thee do,
   In generous love, just what I please.
Peace comes, and discord flies away,
   Love’s bright day follows hatred’s night;
For I am ready to admit
   That you are wrong and I am right.

So, here’s a quick update on what’s going on with me, at least to the extent that I have a clue. More of the same for the most part, with the occasional knife twist to the heart. Anyway, I am keeping things in perspective and just trying to enjoy the ride.

Yesterday began early, with ***** arriving on my doorstep at 1:00 in the morning. It was apparent that she had been drinking which is unusual given that she consumes low-alcohol beer very slowly. She said she’d been to the Whiskey Girl bar to see the live band. And then she told the story of how she’d been coerced into attending by her mother and a friend of Dick’s. And of course, he was there too. I guess after she arrived they kept plying her with drinks until she finally found the will to escape.

Alright, I appreciated her honesty. But I wasn’t a happy camper. To begin, when I’d left her that night I was under the impression she would be following me shortly thereafter. Going somewhere else was to my thinking choosing someone else’s company over mine. And yeah, I knew Dick was using her mother as a tool to drive a wedge between us and I was sorry to see it was working. ***** continued to insist Dick was just a friend and there is nothing physical between them. I believe her, but it is disconcerting that she continues to put him ahead of me in too many ways. I did not have a restful night and was reaching the conclusion that the time for me to bail had arrived.

***** slept in and we didn’t leave the house until almost 8:00 a.m. We walked the beach to the Arizona resort and had breakfast there, then walked back on the beach to her place. We talked along the way and she reiterated her stance that Dick was a good customer and that he brought a lot of other friends with him which helps her business. It’s always good to know your relative importance in the grand scheme of things I suppose, but somehow that didn’t make me feel much better. I didn’t end things though, but in my mind, the protective barriers were going up and I was backing off.

I didn’t hear from Pearl during the day, so I messaged her late in the afternoon asking if she were hungry. She responded that she had ordered something from Papagayo, her favorite restaurant. I asked if that meant she wouldn’t be joining me for dinner and she answered with a smiley face. WTF does that mean?

I decided to visit Hideaway bar to see how my friends Joy and Jen, formerly with Finger Monkey, were getting on. I sat down at the bar and they joined me, one on either side. I’d also baked a batch of brownies which everyone seemed to enjoy. I bought them both a lady drink and settled in to enjoy my first beer of the day. Then another girl there that I didn’t recognize asked me about *****. How do you know *****, I asked. I’m her cousin, don’t you remember meeting me at her place? Oh, vaguely. The cousin also remembered me from darts and where my ex-girlfriend used to live. Small town scary! Of course, I bought the cousin a drink too. I also decided to get ahead of the curve by messaging ***** that I was at Hideaway and drinking with her cousin. ***** deleted her first response before I read it, then followed up with “just stay there and have fun.” Hmm. I then sent several follow-up messages regarding dinner and getting together later that she ignored. Her reaction seemed both weird and hypocritical to me. I had another beer then departed Hideaway moving up the highway to It Doesn’t Matter.

When I arrived at IDM, fellow Hashers Jim and Troy were seated in the outdoor section and I joined them at the counter. Ordered up a beer and it was delivered by my favorite waitress, Roan. A bit later, Scott arrived and I learned he was celebrating his 72nd birthday. Way to go, old man!

Sitting there next to Roan got me thinking yet again about those carefree days before I started down the relationship road. Yeah, it may be an empty and meaningless life without love, but then again, the lack of drama and the variety that comes with being a free man are fair compensations. A good reminder that whatever the future may bring I’ll be okay.

A couple of more beers and still no responses from ***** led me to a “fuck it, if she wants to end things she can do it to my face” decision. So, off I went to her bistro. When I arrived, ***** was seated at the outside table with three other men, one of whom I’m acquainted with. Dick was inside with the mother. I ordered a beer and sat down at the counter and I was happy to see ***** pull up a stool and join me. The other guys included me when they bought their next round of beers and I reciprocated. And that’s how things continued for the next couple of hours.

Oh, I did get roped into being the group DJ. ***** asked that I do a Bluetooth connection with her sound system and play music from my Spotify account. At the table the discussion turned to classic rock and talented guitar players, and I was besieged with song requests to play. No problem. It was actually kind of fun. Dick came out after a while and joined the group at the table, He also had some song requests and things were amicable between us throughout the evening.

I’d reached my consumption limit (perhaps exceeded it some) at 10:00 and announced my departure. ***** said she’d join me later. She arrived around midnight. She told me after I left, Dick had vomited. She said she was worried for him because he has no one to take care of him when he is ill. Again, I think she is sincere in her concern, but I wasn’t interested in hearing it. I went back to sleep while she was showering.

I was up at my usual 4:30 a.m. to start my morning rituals. I also baked up a batch of blueberry muffins for breakfast. When I had finished my chores, I took one of those pills I bought and went back to bed to cuddle with *****. When she awoke she responded to my touch and we had an amazing session. Honestly, I think she is the best I’ve ever had, and I’ve experienced well over 100 women in this life of mine. She has a passion that is so satisfying to experience.

While she was cleaning up, I took Buddy for a walk.

When I returned home, I fried up some bacon to go with the muffins and we enjoyed a fine breakfast together. Afterward, we sat on the couch and she reiterated that her feelings for Dick were platonic, but she does really care for him as a friend. I told her I thought getting involved with him, even as a friend, was a mistake. But I also said she was a grown woman and I was not going to tell her what to do.

We kind of left the topic there because I caught a glimpse of that sweet ass and we wound up back in the bedroom for Round 2.

After we had gotten dressed again, ***** surprised me by offering to join me on my morning walk. Cool, let’s go! We had a pleasant enough hike through the backstreets of San Isidro. At one point I said something about my being willing to step aside if she decided she wanted to pursue something with Dick. I was being sincere, but she took it wrong and was offended. I pointed out that to me, that’s what love is all about–making the happiness of your partner more important than your own. Recited something from that old “if you love someone, let them go…” saying and she seemed more accepting. She reassured me again that they were just friends.

We did have a little excitement towards the end of our hike. We were on a back street in Alta Vista and as we passed the only house on the block, a couple of dogs came out through the fence barking aggressively. Pearl was a little scared, but my mailman experience taught me to respond to aggression with more aggression and most dogs witl back off. What you don’t want to do is turn your back on them, and these dogs were inching closer as we tried to move up the road. I turned around to face them, pulled off my ball cap, and started yelling and waving it around. And then the Filipina owner came out and instead of controlling her dogs, started yelling and cussing at me to leave her dogs alone. Well, that pissed me off and I started yelling back at her to keep her dogs in the yard. It went on like that back and forth for a bit, and I guess I made some kind of face at her, then we walked on. As we passed the shack where the guards live one was outside and I told him what happened. He said he’d speak with the woman. Okay, good enough.

And just a few minutes ago, my helper said the guard had some questions for me and was waiting outside. I walked out to find two guards, the woman I had the confrontation with, and her partner (they are a lesbian couple, not that it matters). Anyway, we began by reiterating the events that led to our disagreement–she thought I was trying to hurt her dogs and I said I was just trying to keep them away. Then she said she was sorry for being so aggressively loud and I apologized for the misunderstanding of her intentions and my rude behavior. We shook hands and that was that.

After our hike, ***** went on her way to the business with the promise of joining me this afternoon for whatever activities we want to share. And as I sat down to write this post my phone rang and it was *****. She told me she was going to get Dick some medicine. I responded, “okay, then.” She ended the call with a see you later. Whatever that means.

And the saga continues.

An interesting evening yesterday. The things that were revealed were not of Biblical proportions, but they may have served a beneficial purpose nonetheless. Here’s how it went down.

Pamela had indicated she’d have some free time away from work and I had my sights set on taking her out for a proper dinner at The Pub. She sent me a message around 4:30 that she was heading home to shower and change. Good stuff. I went to Cheap Charlies to do my bar review (see previous post). When that task was complete, I crossed the highway and visited It Doesn’t Matter to score some drugs.

Maybe that last statement requires a bit more explanation. I’d previously encountered a street vendor there selling tadalafil and I needed wanted some. After all, I’m a 66-year-old man with a 28-year-old girlfriend. I’d actually been prescribed this drug back in Korea for my enlarged prostate. Hard to find here though. Anyway, it was the first time in 40-plus years that I’d acquired drugs from a street dealer. Of course, who knows what you are really getting when you make a purchase in this manner. I tried one last night and Pamela had no complaints.

My regular waitress, Roan, wasn’t working yesterday. She was taking the day off after getting the jab. Good luck with that! Another waitress I had met previously when she worked at Dive In, filled in for Roan at keeping me company. We were talking about her old bar and she happened to mention one of the regular customers there, some guy named “Dick”. Small world, eh? I asked her if she liked Dick (excuse the double entendre) and she shook her head no. Why not? I asked. She said he was too “hands-on” and told about the time he’d grabbed one of the girls by her pussy. That was certainly consistent with what I’d been told by others. You know, as friendly and flirty as I might get with the bargirls, I NEVER touch them in an inappropriate manner. Hey, I’m an HR professional (retired) after all.

After a couple of more beers at IDM, I decided to make my way over to Pamela’s place and wait for her there. When I arrived, Dick was inside with a couple of his buddies and Pamela’s mom. I sat outside. I didn’t want to be drunk when Pearl finally arrived, so I ordered a coffee. Pearl finally messaged me at 6:30 that she was on her way. She told me to just go to The Pub and order take out and we’d eat at her place. I didn’t like that idea much, so I just kept my seat and waited to discuss the matter further in person.

About this time, two young women who appeared to be bargirls came in to order some food to go. I don’t know if Dick knew them or not, but he stood up and grabbed the cute one by the arms and attempted to drag her over to his table. She strongly resisted that effort, yanked herself free, and took a seat as far away from Dick as possible. Good for her! Then Dick moves his chair over to her table so he can sit beside her. Now, I’m outside looking in, but she did not look too pleased about it. I didn’t see any interaction between them at all before she left with her friend. Watching Dick do the shit I’d been hearing about was pretty disturbing. He certainly revealed his true nature and character.

I also had an epiphany. Dick is no threat to me or my relationship with Pamela. Pamela is actually quite conservative and I don’t believe she would ever consider dating a loser like Dick. I think she tolerates him because he brings a lot of business to her place but that’s the extent of it. Now, I very well may fuck things up with her, but it won’t be because of him.

Pamela finally arrived and I told her what happened. She didn’t seem surprised. She did ask why I hadn’t gone for the food, and I said it would be nicer if we ate together in the restaurant. She insisted that we do that another time, so I gave up and went to The Pub alone. Pamela wanted barbeque or grilled meat. John Kim had posted on Facebook that he was serving grilled pork ribs. That sounded perfect! Alas, when I arrived John told me they had already sold out. He was very surprised by how popular that item proved to be. Oh well.

As I perused the menu for alternatives, I decided to get creative. I ordered some salmon maki from the sushi bar, a ribeye steak (with steamed veggies and roasted taters), bulgogi and rice, and some Korean-style chicken wings. Carried them back to Pamela and she was very happy with my selections (except the wings, but they were for me anyway). We sat about dining together at the outside table in full view of Dick who was still seated inside. Before we were done eating, Dick departed for a new venue with Pamela’s mother in tow.

Mission accomplished. There can be no doubt in Dick’s twisted mind now that Pamela is indeed my girl. We also headed to my house before Dick returned which clearly underscored the traditional nature of our date–dinner and boom-boom. Yeah, baby! If there is any remaining concern in my mind it is the obvious (to me) attempt to win the mother over and have her try and influence Pamela on his behalf. Pamela’s mom did call her after we were back at my place and told her Dick was crying again. Poor baby! Pamela also reassured me that her mother never attempts to influence her decisions and choices. Okay then, it’s all good.

I’d call that a pretty fine night, wouldn’t you?

A mostly urban adventure for the Wednesday Walkers yesterday. Our trek took us through the backstreets of Matain, and then along the beachside clutter of Calapacuan. We don’t often venture out this way and I rather enjoyed it. We did do one hill climb (well, the die-hards in the group did two) and it was a nice 6K hike ending at the food place.

More photos from the hike at the end of this post.

Speaking of Pamela, here’s an update of sorts for those of you who have been following along on our quest to share a true and lasting love. I mentioned yesterday that I was hoping she’d join me at darts (we won 8-5 despite my playing like shit) and have dinner afterward. When the match was complete I messaged her and asked if she was coming. She responded that she couldn’t get away from her business. I crossed the street and sulked over a beer at Johan’s, then said “fuck it” and caught a trike to see her in Barretto.

When I arrived, Pamela was sitting alone at a table inside. That was a relief! I joined her and she told me that the Dick had been there and left to go see a bar manager friend down the street. We talked a bit and then the Dick returned and sat at the counter outside. A little later, Pamela handed me a note that said “I go first, meet at Papagayo”, a restaurant a good bit up the highway. That sounded fine to me, but I wasn’t sure what the stealth was all about. Well, yeah, I had my suspicions. Anyway, I paid for my beer, took a leak, and headed up the road. About a block away I ran into Pamela just as she was about to get in a trike, so I hopped in with her.

I’ve only eaten at Papagayo once or twice since moving here. Pamela says they have the best Mexican food in town. She particularly enjoys the burritos. It’s a beachside resort, very nicely appointed, and we had a sweet outdoor table in the nearly empty restaurant.

I was just happy to be able to spend some time together and appreciated her getting away from work. It wasn’t all pleasant though. Pamela doesn’t always appreciate my sense of humor. That afternoon at her place I had teasingly equated what she does at her work as being a GRO (guest relations officer). Well, that’s a term some of the bars use for their female staff and she found it offensive. I assured her that no offense was intended and she let it go, but I’m going to need to remember to watch what I say to her.

Neither of us wound up getting the burrito, she ordered clams and I got a beef enchilada.

After dinner, I had the trike drop her back off at work and I went home. Pamela came over around midnight. Told me Dick was back to his old self. In what way, I asked. She said, he asked me to go home with him, told me he wanted me to have his baby, said he would marry me, and that when he died he would leave everything to me. For some reason, that pissed me off. I angrily told her that if she didn’t deal with the inappropriate remarks he was making to MY girlfriend, I would deal with it my own way, even if it resulted in violence. She seemed taken aback by my response. She reassured me again that she only saw him as a friend, had no interest in anything more, and that she would never be unfaithful to me. I calmed down, but damn, I’m not sure how long I can deal with that kind of drama.

I made her my version of a burrito for breakfast. She rightly noted that it was more like a soft taco. It’s a tortilla with seasoned ground beef, tomato, lettuce, green onion, cheese, and salsa. Pearl added sour cream to hers (damn, why didn’t I think of that?) and deemed it delicious.

After breakfast, I walked her to her food place and I did my morning hike. She had asked me to stop back after I finished and so I did. When I arrived, she was sitting next to the Dick at the outside counter. At first, I was pissed again and started to just walk on. Then I decided I wasn’t going to make it that easy, so I went in and sat down. Pamela had me move my stool next to her and gave me a cup of coffee and her full attention. Alright, take that Dick! To be fair, Dick did greet me and did engage me in a little generic conversation. Pamela promised to meet up with me later in the day today. I finished my coffee and left them there.

You know, if I really thought Dick would be better for her than I am, I wouldn’t hesitate to let her go. I’m not sure that Pamela’s professions of having no interest in him are true, but, I think she is sincere in believing that’s the case. If you know what I mean. I’m still having my own thoughts about my old life and wondering if this love thing is worth all these emotions it seems to generate.

I’ll give it some more time and see what happens next.

To the photos from the hike then:

And that was the way it went down.

Stay tuned for the further adventures that are sure to come!

I did my Hare duties this morning, marking tomorrow’s Hash trail with my fellow hares, Pubic Head, and Blow My Pipe. The hike comes in at just under 7K with two decent climbs. I’m pretty pleased with the effort, might even be the best trail ever! Or at least the best this week.

Yesterday afternoon I enjoyed some quality time with xxxx. Had my driver drop us off in SBMA (the old Navy base) and we did a little walkabout on the waterfront.

Anyway, it was a pleasant way to spend some time together. I was tempted by Texas Joe’s, one of my favorites, and it turns out likes it too. The parking lot was overflowing though, and by the time we eliminated other options, we were back where we started at The Lighthouse. So we decided to give it a try.

After dinner, we went to the bar next where I had a couple of more beers. xxxx doesn’t really drink beer, but she will sip at a low-alcohol flavored brew called San Miguel Apple. By sip, I mean that after I had consumed two full beers, xxxx still had a half bottle of Apple to go. That’s okay, I’ll try to drink enough for the both of us if need be.

Took a taxi back to Barretto and sat on the roof of Barcelona enjoying the evening views while replaying our beer drinking ways. We talked some more about future adventures and I’ll endeavor to do better advance planning to make them come true. xxxx wants to visit La Union (about three hours north) one day soon. It was a good day overall.

xxxx needed to go back to her food place for a bit before calling it a night. The plan was for me to order some takeout and we’d eat it at my place watching some TV together. Well, the place was crowded and my order was at the back of the queue, so it took a while. xxxx was busy consulting with her mother while I waited for my food. And then some Dick came in and our plans were foiled.

I guess he’s figured out that his fantasy girl is my reality and he’s not a happy camper. xxxx told me she was staying behind to deal with him and she’d join me later. I was pissed but chose retreat over future regret. We’ll see how that works out for me.

xxxx did arrive an hour or so later and we slept in each other’s arms. That was my happy ending to the day.

I’ve decided I’m not giving up on Pam. She’s worth fighting for.

Yeah, it’s been a crazy ride so far and yesterday was yet another example of that fact. I thought we were going to dinner, so I went by her place around 4:00 p.m. to make sure she was going to be free to leave. Once again, Pam was sitting at the table with [that guy]* and several others. I also observed that she was finishing what appeared to be a club sandwich. So much for dinner, I thought to myself. Well, I had already resolved to not be intimidated by a Brit trying to steal away “my” girl, so I pulled up a stool at the counter with my back to the gathering at the table and ordered a beer. Not a word of greeting or acknowledgment of my presence from Pam. After a few minutes, Pam and [that guy] went inside and sat down together at a table. Alright, I had seen enough. I went inside, paid for my beer, and as I was leaving [that guy] engaged me in some conversation about an incident in Angeles where a friend of his had been beaten by the police. I politely listened and responded, said goodnight, and headed out the door. I was pretty numb at this point.

Pam followed me out and showed me a message on her phone concerning some legal issues she is facing over control of her business. She said [that guy] had some connections and she didn’t want to discuss the issues she’s dealing with outside in front of the others. Whatever. Pam wasn’t free to join me for dinner and so I left not knowing what to think, but I knew I was very unhappy about what I was feeling.

Went to Mango’s and took up my beachside stool drank some beer and ordered up some food.

After a couple of beers, I decided a walk on the beach was in order.

So, I decided a visit to It Doesn’t Matter was in order. Me plying Roan and another waitress with lady drinks was a nice enough distraction. After a while, I decided a change of scenery was in order, so I paid a visit to Cheap Charlies. I was surprised to see the place so busy. But Alma, my favorite there, found me a nice seat upfront with the highway view I prefer. More drinking and buying lady drinks ensued.

I had periodically been messaging Pam but she was mostly unresponsive. She did acknowledge that [that guy] was still at the bar. Well, in that case, I wasn’t going back so I caught a trike home instead. I was sound asleep at 11:30 when my phone rang. It was Pam telling me she was coming over. Okay then.

After she arrived, I went back to bed. She joined me. And we had a nice long talk before we fell asleep. And another long talk this morning. She convinced me that [that guy] is no threat to me, and while acknowledging he makes nearly constant advances, she has no intention of succumbing to his desires. He is a customer first and foremost, and one that perhaps will have some value in resolving her current situation with the landlord of her business. I told her that I trust her and have no interest in creating additional difficulties or stress in her life.

We also talked about ways we could have more success at spending time together. We do well when we are sharing adventures or doing things we both enjoy. So, we’ll see if we can work out a way to make that happen more often.

So, just when I was about to give up, Pam pulled me back in. She really is amazing in many ways and very much unlike the other women I have met here. I’m not going to quit unless and until I find that she is unworthy of my love and trust. We still need to improve our communication skills with each other, but based on our recent conversations I think we can make that happen.

*I am no longer comfortable using [that guy’s] name in these posts. It is a small town I’m living in, he’s lived here a lot longer, and he is well known throughout the community. He also apparently has friends in high places and I don’t need that kind of trouble in my life either.

Look at us baby, up all night
Tearing our love apart
Aren't we the same two people
Who lived through years in the dark?

Every time I try to walk away
Something makes me turn around and stay
And I can't tell you why

When we get crazy
It just ain't right
(try to keep your head, little girl)
Girl, I get lonely, too
You don't have to worry
Just hold on tight
(don't get caught in your little world)
'Cause I love you

Nothing's wrong as far as I can see
We make it harder than it has to be
And I can't tell you why
No, baby, I can't tell you why
I can't tell you why

Every time I try to walk away
Something makes me turn around and stay
And I can't tell you why

Or perhaps a reprise. We shall see.

Continuing on with the soap opera (or is it K-drama?) that is my love life, I *think* Pearl and I have reconciled. I had continued some sporadic message exchanges with Pearl throughout the afternoon and early evening. I was riding an emotional roller coaster, moving from “I’m better off without her” to “she’s worth fighting for” depending on the tone of her responses. In between my texting sessions, I attended a birthday gathering for the owner of Alley Cats, contributing a batch of my famous brownies to the potluck table.

After the party, I moved on to It Doesn’t Matter, where I once again enjoyed the banter and repartee with Roan. At that point, I was thinking that my old bar life was going to be my new future and I was reconciling myself to the fact that while empty, the lifestyle was relatively painless. Meanwhile, the messages with Pearl had devolved to the “I guess this is goodbye, then” stage. I sent her this as my parting words:

Given the tone of our preceding conversation, I was surprised when I received this response from her:

I miss you and I want you here with me

Now you tell me! I said goodnight to Roan and walked up the highway to visit Pearl at her place. We had the conversation we should have had from the beginning. I talked about her jealousy issues and noted the hypocrisy of her own actions, pointing out that had I taken a girl to see a live band in a bar, she would have been outraged. Perhaps even justifiably so. Certainly, my getting an innocuous message I didn’t even answer pales in comparison. She didn’t deny that but pointed out I had hurt her when I walked away from her earlier, and that she only stayed at the bar with [that guy] for a few minutes. Whatever. I told her I’m not jealous of [that guy] and if he is better for you than I am, she should go for it. Don’t settle for less than the best.

We talked about the triggering event that led us to this point–from her perspective me walking away, and from mine her not responding to multiple messages I’d sent. It really all came down to a misunderstanding and miscommunication. She explained that she had been very busy all that afternoon and for the most part didn’t even have access to her phone. I acknowledged that I was in a grumpy mood when I walked away to go to dinner. I wanted her to join me but didn’t explicitly ask her to do so leading her to misinterpret what my leaving meant. Yeah, ain’t love grand?

Anyway, we resolved to work harder on the issues this incident brought out–I’ll talk rather than walk and she will try and understand that women I know from the bars are no threat to her or our relationship. We’ll see how that works out.

I received some amazing comments on my previous post regarding this incident, and I wanted to share some of those insights and respond to some of the suggestions.

BW says: She should know u better first so she can trust u…keep trying to let her know that u never serious with anybody else

Yeah, we had a long talk last night about my interactions with bargirls. I explained that the girls work for drink commissions and I buy drinks sometimes to help them out. That doesn’t mean I want a relationship with them. I asked if she wanted to read all my messages or for me to delete all my female contacts, she said of course not and acknowledged that she has guy friends too. Hopefully, once she knows I have no intention of straying she’ll come to feel more trusting.

From Kevin Kim:

It’s unfair to expect Pearl to be the one Filipina who breaks the mold and doesn’t act Filipina. On the other hand, based on your account of the day in question, she does strike me as being oversensitive.

Yeah, my hatred of jealousy may be a little irrational too. Pearl is atypical in many ways, but yes, her thinking in terms of jealousy is true to form for Filipinas. We did have a rational discussion about trust issues so hopefully, that’s progress.

Ask your happily married friends whether their Pinay wives started off as insanely jealous people back when they were merely dating, and ask further what they, the guys, did to face down that jealousy. 

Well, I haven’t asked yet, but the guys I know in LTRs with Filipinas still have to deal with the jealousy issues. In fact, it may even worsen over time. Now, I can’t say that some of these folks haven’t done things that may warrant jealousy from their significant others…

If I thought there was hope in talking this out and figuring out how to deal with the problem together, I’d humbly advise talking, but Filipinas, especially the young ones, seem to think it’s better just to amputate and move on. Dramatic minds, dramatic solutions.

We’ll see. We did have a good face-to-face conversation on these issues last night and again this morning on messenger. Whether it will result in behavioral change remains to be seen. But I was quite taken aback when she “set me free” over what I considered a minor incident.

This goes back to the idea of looking for an older woman in a young body: ain’t gonna happen. An older woman with experience would probably be willing to act maturely—to hear you out and accept your declarations of loyalty. Young girls, not so much. But young girls are what you seem to want, so in a sense, you’ve trapped yourself in your own hell (a line I’ve said before).

But age is just a number! Actually, meeting Pearl was a matter of circumstance, not design. I actually prefer women in their mid-30s or so. But Pearl is 28 and mature for her years in ways that most Filipinas are not. For one, she lived in Japan for a number of years and I think that experience broadened her horizons. She is also demonstrating maturity in the manner she manages her business which appears to be very successful thus far. Yeah, young women are attractive, but I’m attracted to intellect as well. Getting both in one package would be a big win!

That info about her and [that guy] radically changes my evaluation of your relationship with Pearl. If she feels she can go off the reservation that easily, then she was never deeply committed to begin with. She’s just another young doe relying on her beauty to seek male attention, and to gain validation thereby. Female vanity. And again, the mark of someone young and superficial.

We talked about the [that guy] affair as well. It’s obvious that he is in full courtship mode but until that night she seemed resistant to his advances. According to her, it was a one-off, ten-minute excursion to the bar across the street from her place. I’m going to accept her claim that she has no interest in [that guy] until I have more evidence to the contrary. And as I said above, I told her if she wants to go that route she can go with my blessing. Isn’t that what love is all about–wanting your partner to find happiness?

More fundamentally, what is it that you want? To me, it seems you haven’t resolved that question, and it pops up again and again. If all you want is sex, then apparently, there’s plenty to be found, and you have no trouble finding it. If what you’re looking for is paid companionship, “care” instead of real care, then there’s plenty of that, too. But if what you really want is to find a life-companion who will be there for you when the going gets tough… I don’t know, but I think you may be in the wrong country. You need someone who deeply understands the American character—someone who knows, for example, that if you’re a little flirty with the other bar girls, this doesn’t mean your fundamental commitment to your woman has been compromised. But you’ve closed off the possibility of finding yourself a decent American woman, so again, we’re back to the idea of the self-made hell. Have you ever asked yourself why you’ve boxed yourself in this way?

HaHa! I was married to three different American women and got the same result–divorce. And yeah, I acknowledge that I was the common denominator in each of those relationships. So yes, that is the fundamental question–what is it that I want? I have this fantasy of loving someone and being loved and cared for in return. The reality of that kind of relationship is that it requires a lot of work to maintain and sustain over time. When I was forced to consider my post-Pearl options yesterday, retreating to my previous lifestyle seemed the most appealing. Yeah, it is shallow and hollow, but also pain-free. There is something to be said for that. But in the end, I decided Pearl was worth another go. I’m going to try harder to be a little less selfish and more understanding. If it still doesn’t work, at least I know I gave it my best shot.

From Brian:

I am going to look at it from her side. What is her “role models” in a foreigner/PI girl relationship? In many cases, it is probably a foreigner who comes to town, woos and dines a young lady, professes their love, and most/many times leaves them high and dry. Either by going back to their home country, vowing to return (but never doing so), or getting them pregnant (yeah, I know, it takes two to tango, but…) and then never having anything to do with them or their child again.

Well, the story of Pearl as I understand it was that she married a Japanese guy when she was 18 and moved to Japan. He was her first boyfriend. That didn’t work out for her and since that time she has had two foreigner boyfriends, both long-distance relationships. She moved back to the Philippines a couple of years ago. So, she doesn’t really have any experience with a full-time expat like me, although I’m not sure what difference that might make. As you note, it does seem like she has some preconceived notions of what guys like me are supposedly all about.

I am not sure it is a jealously thing but more of an insecurity issue. Though I suppose it can be said that they are one and the same.

Yeah, to me, jealousy is just a manifestation of emotional insecurity. The other side of the jealousy coin is fearing losing your meal ticket. in Pearl’s case, she is at least more financially secure and self-sufficient than most of the Filipinas I’ve met. Pearl has her own business (with a second location opening soon) and mama drives a new car and lives in a Subic subdivision. So, I think her motivations are pure at least.

In any relationship, it takes work, and this one can work itself out. But you HAVE TO stop looking at it from strictly a Western perspective. Easy to say and hard to do. John, I know you have a lot of multicultural experience. I do also, but I also find myself falling into the abyss of expecting relationship to play out as i think it should in the west. Cant do that.

Yeah, that’s a fair point and one I’ll have to be more cognizant of moving forward.

Also wanted to add that since you are have been in Barretto a few years and are fairly well known in town, I am guessing that Pearl made some enquiries about you.

Yeah, it is definitely a small town with small-town gossip. Pearl already mentioned that the husband of one of her girlfriends talked about seeing me hanging out in Finger Monkey. I don’t misbehave (much) in the bars, but I can imagine a scenario where two girls are giving me a back rub and how that may play out if someone told Pearl they saw girls touching me in the bar.

From Dave: [that guy] does sound like a Juan but do not not get discouraged – or even more cunt-struck – in response. Show Pearl (and her mother who I suspect is the one really pulling Pearl’s strings) just who is the boss and get a take away from Wet Spot. Still ₱5000 only L/T (with only half going to Daddy)

HaHa–well the crew at Wet Spot is amongst the best in town. Still, I’ll save that idea for the when/if this relationship effort fails. Funny side note, I’ve been wondering who mom would pick between me and [that guy]. She’s hard to read…

Alright, this post has gone on way too long and I hope it doesn’t come back and bite me in the ass. (No, I still haven’t told Pearl about the blog–yet.) Thanks again for your support and helpful comments. Let’s find out what happens next in this story.

Hash Monday today, so hopefully a respite from the drama.