Born and raised in southern California. My career exodus has taken me to Arizona, Oklahoma, Arkansas, South Carolina, Virginia, and Washington, DC. And as of 23 January 2005, Seoul, Korea. Married with 6 grown children (blended family). First grandchild is in the oven! I created this blog to document my adventures as an expat living and working in Korea. I'm also pretty confident that I will on occasion feel the need to express my views on current events and other matters I find of interest.
…on these photos from my Thanksgiving Day celebration.
So, I had reserved a table at the Arizona Resort in advance. Arrived to find this. Wasn’t sure if they were talking about me or a McDonald’s dessert…
My guests for the meal, Ester, Cherry and Marissa…
The food was all surprisingly good, even by Arizona’s high standards. They had both baked and deep fried turkey and all the side dishes were delicious as well. Yeah, some of my favorite TG standards weren’t there, like candied yams and green bean casserole, but what are you gonna do? My only real complaint was there was no dessert included. I could have gone for some pumpkin and/or pecan pie!
When we finished our meal we headed out to the Arizona floating bar for some liquid refreshments…
Life is good…
…and so were the views. On Wednesday I was up on top of that mountain looking down at the bay and on Thursday I was looking up to where I’d been.
Sometimes life’s a beach…
We enjoyed a few hours on board…
I’m not saying I got a little drunk or anything…
…but I did see the sun go down…
…and the moon come up!
After we left Arizona it was on to our regular karaoke (videoke in local parlance) joint to sing our drunken hearts out. It was a damn fine day. I went home comfortably numb and feeling thankful.
There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb.
Here’s wishing my American readers a very happy Thanksgiving day. Don’t eat too much!
I can’t promise to take my own advice in that regard as I’ll be dining at the Arizona resort’s special turkey buffet this afternoon. Need to get my pesos (595, around $12) worth! Will be dining with some friends from Alley Cats bar because who wants to eat a feast alone?
In the spirit of the day I can say I’m indeed thankful for my family safe at home, my life here, my health, and my loving dog. Life is far from perfect but I know I’ve been blessed.
What else? Well, it’s been a while since I’ve had a day like this:
Three hours with the sausage walkers will do that…
Yogi Berra famously said “I came to a fork in the road and I took it”. What do you do when you encounter a spoon?
We gather every Wednesday at 1000 at the Angels bakery then head for the hills…
And damn, every time I think a climb can’t get any harder, it does.
Unlike the Hash, the trail is not laid out and marked in advance. We are basically just winging it, although the more experienced walkers usually know what’s ahead from past experience. Except when someone constructs a new razor wire fence blocking the trail. We couldn’t go around the fence so we went through it.
About an hour into the hike we came upon what I assume was a rest area. No idea what the real story here is/was.
The effort is rewarded.
It was a cool(er) day, overcast with occasional sprinkles. Quite pleasant really.
It was deja vu all over again. Although not technically a rehash since Saturday’s hike wasn’t a Hash event. Still, it was exactly the same route I took with the “sauerkraut” walkers. Probably should not be surprised because the Hare was the burly German guy–he just killed the proverbial two birds with one stone I guess. Still just a tad disappointing to not see something new, but other than the exhausting mountain climb it’s a pretty nice trail. Here’s some photos:
A longish trail. It was getting to be pretty dusky by the time I made it back…
The Hare, Almoran, giving last minute instructions…
The walkers being transported to the trail head in the Hashmobile…
That would be me in the back of the truck…
Ready to get started?
And we are “on-on”!
That mountain is a tough motherfucker…
But maybe if you live up there you get used to it…
And there are the views…
That’s me walking the ridge line, a comparatively easy way down…
The old Navy base on the left as we made our way back down to the National Higway…
I just can’t imagine living like this…
My nightmare when I walk the highway. But we made it across safely…
…and onto the beach for a relatively easy walk on-home.
During the Hash circle I was recognized with this headband for completing my 25th Hash…
Ha! And now I’ve completed my 25th post about my Hashing adventures. You’re welcome!
UPDATE: Came across this story about the Hashers causing a panic by marking the trail with “white powder”. HaHa, it’s flour folks. Environmentally friendly!
“It is during the darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.”
–Aristotle
Things are actually going quite well for me I suppose. Nothing much has changed really, other than perhaps my outlook and perceptions. I’ll give some credit to the Unfuck Yourself book, most of which is just common sense reminders of things I may have forgotten along the way. The “I’ve got this” reference comes from Chapter 4 of said book which speaks about looking back at how we’ve overcome past hurdles that seemed insurmountable at the time and then thinking confidently that whatever obstacles the future may bring will similarly be conquered. The author says our brains are wired to win and we sabotage ourselves by letting negative thoughts control our subconscious. Anyway, none of this is rocket science or an earth shattering new discovery. It’s all about attitude.
“If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be content to take their own and depart.”
–Socrates
The other takeaway from Chapter 4 was the reminder that in the grand scheme of things my problems are relatively meaningless. Actually, I’ve been well aware of that fact for quite some time, all the more so since moving to the Philippines. I can just look around me and observe the daily struggles of people here to put food on the table to fully understand how little my disappointments and hurt feelings truly matter in an unforgiving universe. As I’ve reflected on this obvious truth it occurred to me that there is absolutely no one here I’d want to trade places with should such an opportunity arise. I truly am blessed and the more I appreciate that fact the better off I’ll be. Life is just too damn short to waste it on sorrow and regret.
What else is going on in my world? Well, really just more of the same. And there’s nothing wrong with that!
I’ve been getting my steps in. Averaging over 20,000 per day this past week. Still carrying that extra weight around though. Turns out is is much easier to put in on than to take it off. Go figure.
Another first place finish is darts yesterday. That’s three in a row, but who’s counting?
And I continue to very much appreciate the beauty of this place I now call home. That’s last night’s sunset.
Well, technically it was the Saturday offshoot of the Sausage Walkers group. There were only four of us today though, three German speaking guys and me. But they were pleasant enough so it would be unfair to dub them sour Krauts. Ahem. I’m used to walking alone anyway so them speaking amongst each other in their native tongue didn’t really bother me at all. I was participating primarily to push myself to walk harder (everywhere I walk on my own tends to be flat) and to explore new trails I’m not adventurous enough to discover on my own. Mission pretty much accomplished as we did a three hour hike that included climbing a mountain. Actually, the trail location was where we were for the Wednesday hike, but we did do a different approach for ascent and descent. It was a good walk!
Me and my fellow walkers. One of us did not speak German.
It was a pretty tough climb to the top, steep and took about 45 minutes. I was soaked and pretty much whupped when we took our first rest break. I reckon I have about 10 or 15 years on the next oldest in our group.
But from the top we enjoyed an outstanding view of downtown Olongapo City.
We came down the mountain and onto the beach for the walk back to Barretto.
But we did stop to enjoy some lunch first. That’s why I was wearing the backpack today. Had some apple with cheese slices and some celery with peanut butter.
As is the custom with the sausage walkers we ended our journey at Cheap Charlies where we imbibed some liquid refreshment.
That’s not the only walking I did today:
Me and Buddy did our regular jaunt through the neighborhood this morning. Ain’t he sweet?
Last night I played in the dart tourney and once again had the good fortune to finish first.
With my partner Flor. It was actually quite fun. My game is still inconsistent though. I’m going to try and find the motivation to practice more at home. We’ll see.
And that’s where things stand with me. Thanks for reading!
A diamond of a morning
Waked me an hour too soon;
Dawn had taken in the stars
And left the faint white moon.
O white moon, you are lonely,
It is the same with me,
But we have the world to roam over,
Only the lonely are free.
It’s been a nada kind of day. Which is a helluva lot better than a bad day, that’s for sure.
Just the routine rituals…walking the dog, walking my increasingly fat old self, taking a nap.
My morning walk took me past Marissa’s place so I snapped a photo for old times sake.
So yeah, the on again off again thing with Marissa has been off for awhile now. We’ve taken some tentative steps towards maintaining some kind of friendship. So far that has entailed meeting up for a few beers and songs at the karaoke joint. I enjoy the occasional company I suppose. And honestly I’m getting back into the “love who needs it?” mode. Well, I say that but my mind could be changed. For now I just want to play the field, such as it is. Had several prospects from the dating sites on the line but I’ve just not been able to return their enthusiasm. I feel shitty about that. Not intentionally playing with their emotions, but I’m going to put myself first for a change. No more “Mr. Nice Guy” and all that crap. Or so I say…
Did a little more poetry reading this afternoon, and came across this in one of my James Kavanaugh books:
I found this poem bookmarked by an old rose I must have given to a former love. I’m not sure if the rose was placed there randomly or not, but the poem does resonate with me…
Everything can change, for good or ill, in the blink of an eye. I’m just going to enjoy the ride as best I can.
And while I wait to meet there is always meat.
Did some grillin’ and chilliin’ this afternoon as well.
And now I reckon I’ll head out to throw some darts and quaff some brews on this best of all possible Friday nights.
Faded photograph
Covered now with lines and creases
Tickets torn in half
Memories in bits and pieces
Traces of love long ago
That didn’t work out right
Traces of love
I close my eyes and say a prayer
That in her heart she’ll find
A trace of love still there
Somewhere
Now while my lips are living
Their words must stay unsaid,
And will my soul remember
To speak when I am dead?
Yet if my soul remembered
You would not heed it, dear
For now you must not listen,
And then you could not hear.
Nothing like starting your day with a little Sara Teasdale, right?
Last night I made my return to the dart scene at Alley Cats after taking a break for over a month.
And despite the rust me and my partner Nancy managed a 1st Place finish…
Coincidentally, two years ago I also won a dart tourney…
…in Bangkok. It seems a lot longer ago than that, but I reckon Facebook doesn’t lie. Much.
Speaking of Facebook, one of the Sausage Walkers posted some more photos so I hope you will indulge me if I post them here.
Heading on up….
Posing for pictures at the summit…
I like this one because it captures my vape cloud nicely….
Preparing for our lunch break…
…then heading back down…
…to the beach…
…upon which we walked it on in to Cheap Charlie’s for some cold refreshing beers after our sweaty journey.
Life is good! Mostly.
I keep forgettin’ we’re not in love anymore
I keep forgettin’ things will never be the same again
I keep forgettin’ how you made that so clear
I keep forgettin’, darlin’
Today I made my debut with the Sausage Walkers. It’s a hiking group that meets every Wednesday. Kind of a spin off from the Hash, at least just about everybody I saw today was also a Hasher. None of the Hash rituals however and the trail isn’t mark, we march as a group which I personally like. No being alone on the mountain. It’s also nice to have new trails to hike as I’m sick and tired of my usual routes. Anyway, it was a good time. Didn’t take me photos as I didn’t want to slow down the group. But here’s a couple:
The newest sausage walker. Apparently the name comes from the fact that a former member used to prepare a sausage lunch for the group….
This is where we stopped for lunch today. Everyone brings there own. I wasn’t really prepared, but I did have an apple and cheese and some nuts….
A very long and steep climb to the top…this was the easy part…
But it was a beautiful day.
What else have I been up to? Well, yesterday I took Buddy with me on a beach walk.
He seemed to enjoy the new smells but definitely did not like the water!
I enjoyed a scenic sunset from my upstairs balcony…
The remains of the day….
And then headed out to give the floating bar at the Arizona resort a try. It was mostly nice except for the lady drink pressure…
It was good to be on trail again after a two week absence. I was actually hoping to Hash while I was in South Carolina but the timing didn’t work out. Oh well.
Yesterday’s trail was relatively easy in that there were no mountains to climb (and descend). Longish at almost 7K though and the weather was on the warm side. As usual I will let the photos do the talking…
The route we took. Finished “on-home” at Treasure Island….
Gathering up at Johansson’s.
Folks seemed glad to have me back. Leech my Nuggets also commented on my weight gain. Bastard.
Last minute instructions from the Hare, Anal Retentive.
And we are “on-on”. Yeah, that’s me taking a picture…
….while getting my picture taken.
A good portion of the trail was through the urban landscape…
…such as it is…
Surprise, surprise…the trail led through my subdivision again…in fact, that’s my house on the left…
….some countryside,,,
…and then a small village….
…a rather poor village…
And then back into the wild….
A horny Carabao in the tall grass…
I got my shoes wet at this stream crossing. Other folks took their shoes off first….
…or better yet got carried across…
a scenic scene…
The home stretch….
Down these narrow and uneven steps to the National Highway…where everyone else caught a Jeepney back. Not me! I walked alone the rest of the way, I’m no shortcutter!
Otherwise I would have missed this reminder of just how good I have it.
The Matain river in all her glory. Such as it is.
Not much else to report from the after Hash activities. I avoided the ice and chatted some with Jessa who was working last night. Not sure what happens next. Stay tuned!
Well I’m lonely now but my heart is free
I enjoy a beer and watch a tree,
I can see a cloud and feel the breeze,
I can buy some bread and a bit of cheese.
And I know full well it is my right
To begin to live the rest of my life
Yep, cracked open one of the poetry books I lugged back from the states. That’s a taste of some James Kavanaugh.
Started my Monday off right with a good walk up the National Highway towards Subic Town.
Which afforded me a new view of the bay from a different perspective.
I think I’m going to establish a walking route for each day of the week. I’m somewhat limited in where I’m willing to hike unaccompanied. I love being up on the mountains but it just feels to risky to do so alone. But I have the Hash for that, so…
Last night Jessa joined me for dinner at Mango’s. It was a bit of a fiasco in that she brought along her friends Kat and RuRu. I mean, that’s fine but I was anticipating our first one-on-one meeting and maybe some intimate getting to know you better talk. It just kind of put me off I guess and I was disappointed. She did stay and join me for a couple of beers after dinner but by then the moment was gone. I think she realized that because she sent me a message saying she’d come alone next time. Well, assuming there is a next time.
It seemed that even the moon was smiling on my foolishness last night.
Well, it is Hash Monday and I’m looking forward to being back on trail after a two week hiatus. So there’s that at least.
Now I have no plans for security,
No proper wife can depend on me,
I’m not too sure of eternity
But I know when a heart is really free.
And I walk along with a step that’s light
To begin to live the rest of my life.
–James Kavanaugh
…or half empty? Either way, I’m half way through my first year of life in the Philippines. It’s been a bit of a roller coaster ride so far but I’m making some needed changes in my outlook and I’m feeling much more positive about the future. It’s all about turning failures into opportunities, so I’ve got a lot of good material to work with!
No need to recap all the “trials, tribulations and adventures” I’ve blogged about this past six months. Yes, I’ve made a few mistakes and missteps but that happens when you are learning as you go I suppose. I did kind of fuck up in a new way Friday night though, here’s that story:
So I don’t do the girly bars all that much, but one of my favorites is Alaska bar. It used to be in Angeles City and was the first bar I visited on my first trip to the Philippines all those years ago. I usually buy drinks for Kim, one of the dancers there, on those occasions I do visit. Friday night I wasn’t alone however (that’s a story for another time) so I left Kim on stage. I’d been drinking all night in celebration of my return home so was feeling no pain. And after a few more beers at Alaska I asked the waitress to change a 500 peso bil into ten 50 peso notes.
At this point Kim was dancing on stage with two other girls. I went up and gave each of the other two a 50 peso tip, then sat back down. They both looked at Kim and then at me, and Kim was standing there with a WTF? look on her face. So, I get back up and give both of the other girls another 50 pesos then returned to my seat. Yeah, I know this sounds really fucked up. And yes, it was fucked up. But I was honestly doing it as a joke. Just teasing Kim. Yeah, looking back I can see it wasn’t very funny at all. Anyway, the “punchline” was for me to go back to the stage and say “Oops, I forgot someone” and give Kim a generous tip.
It didn’t work out that way. Kim was pissed. When I tried to hand her some money she refused to take it. I said, c’mon I was kidding around, but she told me “I don’t need your money!” I tried and tried but she wouldn’t budge. It’s a pretty big deal when a girl who makes maybe 300 pesos a day salary refuses a 150 peso tip. I sat back down, finished my beer and left. I was pretty embarrassed at this point.
Anyway, as I usually do I woke up in the middle of the night, sober now, and thought back on the incident at Alaska. And of course I felt like a jerk, all the more so because I had acted like one. Yes, it was not my intention to be demeaning and disrespectful, but that doesn’t change the fact that that is exactly what I was. I felt shitty about that and resolved to make amends. Last night I set about doing so.
I started with a few beers at Cheap Charlies and had a good time for a change. But I had a mission to undertake at Alaska bar so I headed on over. When I walked in the door Kim was on stage but wouldn’t look at me. I sat down and ordered a beer while she continued to ignore me. The other girls knew something was up and there was definitely some tension in the air. I called the waitress over and said I wanted to buy Kim a drink. Kim didn’t want it! Now, that is pretty much unheard of in the bar business. And then the mamasan (the manager of the dancers) intervened. I saw her talking to Kim and I’m sure she basically ordered her to drink with me, like it or not. So Kim very reluctantly joined me at my table.
As shitty as I had felt, I felt even worse now. So I dived into a heartfelt apology. I explained that it was my bad attempt at a joke but that I realized later how it must have made her feel. I told her how sorry I was to have treated her badly and that I would never have intentionally disrespected her that way. And then I pulled out my ace in the hole–some chocolate! I offered up a giant sized Kit Kat bar as a gesture of the sincerity of my apology. And ever so slowly the ice began to melt.
Kim told me that I had always been her favorite customer and that she had really been hurt by my behavior the previous night. She said she actually cried after I had left. Granted, that could all be bullshit but there is no question whatsoever that my behavior had truly hurt her feelings. I again told her that it was not my intent to make her feel bad, it was all just a joke that had gone wrong. I ordered up more drinks and we continued to talk. I learned more about her and it actually turned out to be a very nice evening. I gave her a 1000 peso tip (about $20 or one week’s salary) which of course made her night and we parted with our friendship intact.
I always try to treat the bargirls with respect. They have an incredibly difficult job and dealing with assholes makes it all the harder. My actions were totally out of line and out of character for me. It won’t happen again you can count on that! I came away with a new found respect for Kim as well. She had stood her ground admirably and made it clear that even though her body may be, her pride was not for sale. Keep on rockin’, Kim!
Another lesson learned. I’m confident I’m going to do the next six months better than I did these past ones. Onward!
“you must first accept that while there are things that have happened in your life that you had no say in, you are 100 percent responsible for what you do with your life in the aftermath of those events. Always, every time, no excuses.”
–Gary John Bishop “Unfuck Yourself”
“If human emotions largely result from thinking, then one may appreciably control one’s feelings by controlling one’s thoughts–or by changing the internalized sentences, or self-talk, with which one largely created the feeling in the first place.”
–Albert Ellis
So yep, I working on upping my self-talk game by emphasizing the positives in my life rather than the failures. It’s not as easy as it sounds especially when faced with yet another disappointment, the details of which I’ll spare you. There’s much, much more good than bad in my life and even what may feel like a failure now could well prove to be an opportunity down the road. Regardless, much better to count my blessings rather than my heartbreaks, right?
First time back on the scales since my vacation to the states and it wasn’t good news–I gained ten pounds! Not really a surprise given the way I was eating high card junk snacks coupled with a serious decrease in my exercise routine. So, I have a new goal to strive for and I am on it! (see more positive self-talk!)
Today’s walk on the beach revealed that the Arizona floating bar is back in operation. Not that I go there much, but it means rainy season is officially over. These next few months are the best time of the year here, or so I am told.
Not a whole lot else to report from here. Had a chat with Gina and let her know I’m not ready for a relationship just yet. She seemed to take that disappointment in stride. We’ll see. I’m gonna follow through on the date with Jessa tomorrow although I don’t foresee a future with her either. I think it’s best that I use this particular time in my life to just embrace the adventure and enjoy what each day may bring.
“It’s not that you have to find the answer, you are the answer.”
–Gary John Bishop
“He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.
–Epictetus
Made it! By my reckoning the trip took 32 hours door-to-door (19 hours in the air, 10 sitting in airports, and 3 hours drive time). Given the date line thing, I left on Wednesday morning and arrived on Friday morning.
The trip went with nary a hitch. Well, I was dozing in the Asiana lounge at Incheon when I was awakened by a pretty Korean woman in uniform. “Mr. McCrarey?” um yeah. “We have a problem.” Not exactly the words I wanted to wake up to. Apparently the problem was my business class seat was broken and there were no other business class seats available. She was very apologetic and told me they would give me a whole row of coach seats to myself and a $300 refund. Not like I had much choice but I told her that would be fine. She was relieved and asked if she could take a picture with me “for her boss”. Hell, I never could say no to a sexy Korean. Anyway, the epilogue to the story is that after I got to the gate and got my boarding pass changed I asked about my money. Was told it was being brought to the gate by a courier. Shortly thereafter an Asiana agent approached with the news that maintenance had repaired my seat so it all went back to the way it was before. That was fine by me.
I was a little bit nervous at customs in Clark airport because I had two heavy suitcases filled with not just dirty clothes but also the shitload of supplies I bought to carry me through another year in the Philippines. I never declare any goods and since they were all for personal use I’m not sure I have to. Still, when I saw them requiring everyone to open their bags while a customs officer took a look inside, I thought “oh shit”. As I got closer to the front of the line I observed that they were waving some folks on through, it appeared they were only checking bags carried by Koreans. Sure enough, the agent motioned me to keep on moving and with a sigh of relief that’s just what I did!
My driver Donny was waiting and my helper Tere and her friend Gina had come along for the ride. Got back home around 0400. Unpacked my bags, had a couple of beers, checked the internets, and then hit the sheets. Just as I was dozing off, I felt someone crawling into bed beside me. It was Gina! Guess I wasn’t as tired as I felt. I never could say no to an attractive Filipina.
Oh yeah, Buddy was happy to see me too. At first, he didn’t know what to do. I’m not sure he believed it was really me. When I first walked in the door, he looked at me, barked, and ran up the stairs. He came back down, looked at me again, had a sniff, then ran back up stairs. He ran back down, smelled me again, sneezed, and then was all over me. It was kind of sweet. He didn’t leave my side the rest of the night.
Me on the beach again!
Back into my regular routine this morning. Walked Buddy then did my Baloy Beach/Subic Town hike. Worked up a good sweat then came home and took a nap. Tonight I’ll head out to Alley Cats with my Pasalubong (candy for everyone!).
So, it’s good to be back. I’m trying on a new attitude in an effort to “unfuck myself”. My new book is providing some tips on keeping it that way. No excuses!
And of course, I’ll miss my family back home. They seem to be getting along just fine without me, and I’ll be back next year to see them all again.
The last supper on Tuesday night…
“Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears”
–Marcus Aurelius
0400 here in Columbia I’ll be driving to Charlotte, dropping the rental car off, and if all goes well, catching my 7:30 flight to Atlanta. I’ll hang out there for awhile then make the long Atlanta to Seoul flight, arriving Thursday afternoon. Five hour layover in Seoul, then on to Clark/Angeles, arriving at 0200 on Friday.
Whew. Gonna be a LONG day!
Alright, on with it! See you on the other side of the world.
As wonderful as it has been spending time with the kids and grands, a sense of sadness has permeated my long awaited return “home” to Columbia. It’s been nearly three years since my last visit and of course I was accompanied on that trip by my wife. She’s gone now and so is the life we had built here together. Well, not entirely gone. It seems everywhere I turn I’m confronted by a memory. And those memories are a bitter reminder of what I had and what I lost. By no means was it a perfect life, but it was the life I chose to share with her and I was content to live out the remainder of my days making the best of it.
And now I’m living a completely different life in a far away land. Thus far it’s been a lonely life which makes the emptiness I feel inside all the more difficult to bear. I miss feeling loved. I miss having someone at my side. I miss how it felt to be satisfied with my life. Coming back has brought those feelings to the forefront of my consciousness and left me struggling to maintain some semblance of peace of mind. It’s been keeping me awake at night because my brain ignores me when I tell it to “shut the fuck up!”
I am well aware of all the common sense platitudes. The past is the past, it can’t be changed or lived in. You have to let go and move forward. Focus on the things you have and not the things you’ve lost. Be ready for the next big thing in life, don’t let yesterday control your tomorrows. I think for the most part I’ve been doing those things, some days more successfully than others. But being here now has made me understand that there is a part of me that is gone forever. And no matter how much encouragement you might give an amputee, the fact remains that he will never be the same again. Yes, you still have to go on and make the best of what is left to you, but all the words in the world will never make you whole.
Okay, that’s just about enough of feeling sorry for myself. On my sleepless nights I do contemplate how I might go about building a life that will bring me, if not happiness, then at least a sense of satisfaction. But how to I get there from here? Well, I’m certainly not the first man who has found himself at this crossroad. And through the power of the internets I’ve managed to ferret out some words of wisdom. Or at least words that resonate with me. The first came from a submission to a Thai forum I frequent: No More “Nice Guy” in Thailand (I just change Thailand to the Philippines as I read, both are similar for these purposes). It begins with this:
A woman should be a compliment to your life, not the focus.
I guess that seems obvious, but I think I’ve been guilty of believing that if I could just find the “right one” I would be a happy man. It doesn’t work that way though, does it? The author goes on to say:
Understanding that you alone are responsible for your happiness and if you depend on a woman for your happiness, you are going to be controlled by emotions and on the road to ruin. Rather, your focus should be on living life as an integrated, confident male with a growth mindset who is striving to be the best version of himself. Aware of his self-worth and be value driven, as opposed to being driven by what other people think of him. It’s ok to be considerate of other people’s feelings but it’s not ok to be driven by them.
Yeah, I can get behind that concept. The trick of course is implementing it. I’m a sucker when it comes to love! Anyway, if you are so inclined, go ahead and read the post about avoiding the “Nice Guy” syndrome. It’s good food for thought.
I previously alluded to a book I’ve ordered that is supposed to be delivered today (hurry up!). It’s called “Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life”. It sounds like it was written with me in mind! Here’s the Amazon synopsis:
Are you tired of feeling fu*ked up? If you are, Gary John Bishop has the answer. In this straightforward handbook, he gives you the tools and advice you need to demolish the slag weighing you down and become the truly unfu*ked version of yourself. ”Wake up to the miracle you are,” he directs. ”Here’s what you’ve forgotten: You’re a fu*king miracle of being.” It isn’t other people that are standing in your way, it isn’t even your circumstances that are blocking your ability to thrive, it’s yourself and the negative self-talk you keep telling yourself.
In Unfu*k Yourself, Bishop leads you through a series of seven assertions:
I am willing.
I am wired to win.
I got this.
I embrace the uncertainty.
I am not my thoughts; I am what I do.
I am relentless.
I expect nothing and accept everything.
Lead the life you were meant to have—Unfu*k Yourself.
I’ve got a 30 hour trip ahead of me tomorrow. I’ll spend some of them trying to unfuck myself!
Once I’m back in the Philippines I’ve got some decisions to make. Primarily, do I truly want to be in a relationship or should I just remain a free agent? It may come as a surprise that I do appear to have some options. I didn’t say they were necessarily good options mind you. For example, my domestic helper Tere has this friend Gina. Gina is from Manila and has come to visit Tere on several occasions, staying at the house for a week or two (she sleeps in Tere’s room). Although I have never really had a meaningful conversation with Gina (she always seemed shy around me) I did accept her Facebook friend request. She’s been sending me messages about “missing me” and hoping we can have a relationship together when I return. Yeah, I know that sounds bizarre, but actually it is not all that unusual with Filipinas. Still freaks me out though. I’ve told her she doesn’t even know me but that doesn’t seem to matter to her. She’s got a pretty cute body on her, I’ll give her that. But at this point in time I’m not inclined to take the easy way.
I’ve also heard from Jessa while I’ve been out of the country. She’s the gal I helped celebrate her 30th birthday recently (blog post here). Apparently there’s some fucked up shit happening at her work and she wants to quit. Of course, she has a daughter to support so needs to find a new job first. She teasingly (I think) said I should fire my helper and hire her. She also told me she needs a vacation and asked (teasingly?) when I was going to take her to Palawan. I responded we could have dinner when I returned and talk about that and she said “okay”. I hope she was serious.
She’s actually a sweet gal and has a good head on her shoulders. I think I could go for that, but honestly I never got the impression she was into me at all. It may be worth finding out one way or another.
The other avenue I’m considering is to just meet up with dating websites gals in locations I want to visit. I’ve been chatting with several so far and although I haven’t felt any sparks, having a nice “tour guide” to keep me company has some appeal. Blow into town, have a good time, and head on out unscathed and unattached. That’s one way to do it.
Or hell, maybe I’ll just become a whore and start fucking bargirls. I don’t know. I haven’t read the book yet.
Old habits die hard, some wounds never heal
We got what we came for, this is part of the deal
I can’t forget you, I can’t even try
Sometimes it seems like somebody died
Old soldiers die hard, old hearts beat slow
Old friends go easy, old lovers just go
Some fools never learn, ain’t that what they say
I turned for a moment, you turned away
You had your reasons, God only knows
If it bothered you baby, it never showed
Old soldiers die hard, old hearts beat slow
Old friends go easy, old lovers just go
An uneventful but scenic drive “home” yesterday. Winding things down here and mentally preparing for my long journey which will begin Wednesday morning in Charlotte and end Friday morning in Angeles City, Philippines. Makes me tired just thinking about it.
Speaking of being tired, I’m still not able to sleep through the night. I can’t blame jet lag at this point, I think it is all in my head. More on that another time.
So, since I was up with the sun, I did my laundry and started the packing process. Went out to see one of those “doc-in-the-box” to get refills for my nine(!) prescription meds. They actually had a doctor’s office in the local CVS pharmacy which was pretty convenient. The most I could get were 90 day supplies and the doctor just tapped them into the computer and sent them straight over to the pharmacy. When I went to pick them up though they had only filled them for 30 days. Anyway, once the doc gets back from lunch I’m told they will sort it all out. I’ll have to make another trip to CVS later.
I ordered a replacement for my credit card which expires in January. It came today while I was at the pharmacy. Since I wasn’t here to sign, I’ll have to make a post office run tomorrow. No big deal except I’m not sure which post office services this neighborhood. I’ll figure it out.
While I was waiting for the incorrect prescriptions I headed over to the local shopping complex for pasalubong (Tagalog, “[something] for when you welcome me”) is the Filipino tradition of travelers bringing gifts from their destination to people back home.[1] Pasalubong can be any gift or souvenir brought for family or friends after being away for a period of time.[2] It can also be any gift given by someone arriving from a distant place). I’ll need to pick up a few more items to carry back so as not to disappoint my hometown acquaintances.
And finally, I salvaged some books to carry back with me.
Yes, they are all poetry books. Balm for my wounded spirit which has taken a beating when I wandered down memory lane.
One more book is on it’s way from Amazon. Guaranteed delivery is scheduled for tomorrow. It will probably come when I’m at the post office trying to retrieve my credit card. Ah well.
The Blue Ridge mountains to be precise. A little town called Seven Devils near Banner Elk, North Carolina. Beautiful being up here with the family.
Interesting drive up here. Rained most of the way and then we hit fog once we gained some elevation. Also had an accident happen just a couple of car links ahead of me. The driver somehow hit the median and lost control, was spinning and bouncing around, pieces of the car flying about, then slid back into the highway backwards. I’m doing 60 mph and went into full avoidance mode, dodging him off to the right shoulder and successfully bypassing the wreckage. Scary shit!
Getting up to our “cabin” in the woods was on some steep, narrow and twisty highway, but damn, I can’t recall ever driving a more beautiful road. And it’s nice having everyone sharing time under one roof again. Let’s go to the pictures:
Told you it was foggy!
“It’s not smoke, it’s vapor!” I actually thought we were in the Smoky Mountains. Granddaughter Gracyn schooled me on my erroneous geography. “It’s the Blue Ridge papa!”
Out of the fog and heading on up…
We are past peak, but there is still plenty of color in the trees…
The cabin is a 5 bedroom McMansion!
The requisite fireplace. It’s gas log which keeps things easy peasy…
The bar with a huge screen TV.
The living area…
Dining with a view…
Working in the kitchen…we had homemade pizza last night…
Downstairs basement features a pool table…
…Ping pong and darts and outside is a Jacuzzi…
I snagged the downstairs bedroom…
….featuring this big ass bathtub and walk in shower…
And four more bedrooms upstairs…
No idea what this thing is for…
Got a little snow last night…
Me and the kids keeping warm by the fire…
I was up with the sun this morning…
…enjoying the morning views…
A full day of hanging with the family is on tap. Hopefully it warms up some and I can get in a nice mountain hike.
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.
The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned
‘This is a powerful medicine.
You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.’
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked:
“How do I stop the medicine from working?”
“Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,’ he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine
and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: “1-2-3!”
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was so excited she began throwing off her clothes, and asked:
“What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
A nice Halloween, certainly nothing like I’ve experienced in quite a few years. Spent it with son Kevin, his wife Lauren, and my sweet granddaughter Gracyn. Daughters Renee and Avery rounded it out making for a great family gathering.
Kevin and Lauren’s new house is really amazing. Great job guys!
Granddaughter Sydney is sweeter than a Tootsie Roll!
Let the trick or treating begin!
One house was giving out super sized candy bars…
I was impressed with how much many in the neighborhood were really into the holiday.
Free candy if you dare!
Nice costumes…
“I ain’t afraid of no ghost!”
Sydney shared her bounty with me. “I don’t like Goodbar anyway papa”
I wasn’t in costume but I was pleased my mailman uniform still fit after 40+ years.
And Avery had a good time enjoying adult beverages with her partner Rebecca…
Did I mention that Sydney is sweet, smart, and brutally honest?
It was a good time for sure. A little bittersweet because I was visited by Jee Yuen’s ghost. Again. Ah well.
