Well I’m lonely now but my heart is free
I enjoy a beer and watch a tree,
I can see a cloud and feel the breeze,
I can buy some bread and a bit of cheese.
And I know full well it is my right
To begin to live the rest of my life
--James Kavanaugh
Alright, what a wild ride these past few days have been. I’ll lay out the events as they transpired and then try and justify my actions, knowing full well that may be impossible.
Here goes: I mentioned in an earlier post that I encountered Dick while I was out drinking Thursday night at Queen Victoria. Well, encountered is probably not the right word for it. He came to the bar next to where I was sitting, ordered a beer, then sat down at a table behind me. He didn’t say anything to me. I could overhear part of the conversation from the other person sitting at Dick’s table. It was along the lines of “You need to go home. Let me help you get a trike.” Dick was not receptive. He finished his beer and left the bar. I could see as he walked out that he was very drunk.
I left the bar a little bit later. My friend’s place is almost across the street from Queen Victoria so I decided to discreetly walk past. Dick was face down at a table in the outdoor portion of resto. A guy I know named Ernie was sitting at the outside counter with a mom. When Ernie saw me he came out to the street to say hello and ask where I was going. I said I was heading home but would have a beer with him somewhere else if he wanted. So we went a block up the road to an outdoor stand near the 7/11. I asked how things were at the other place and he told me the owner wasn’t there but everything was cool. I asked if she and Dick were a couple now and he indicated that was his impression. Oh, well. Sorry for her. About this time we saw Dick stumble past on his way home.
I’d been drinking quite a bit myself so perhaps my judgment was impaired but I thought I’d have one last beer at the old place. Since Dick wasn’t there it shouldn’t be an issue. Ernie came with me. When we arrived a lady was seated outside with a couple of customers. She looked stunning in a red dress. I greeted her jokingly as a first-time customer, and she said welcome. Then sat back down at the counter with her back to me for the remainder of the visit. Alright, then. Time to go home.
When I got home I sent her a message apologizing for the intrusion. She responded that it was good to see me again. I took the bait and told her I’d been missing her and wanted to wish her the best. She said she missed me too. And then we continued chatting about the past and the events leading to our breakup. It seemed we had achieved a better understanding of our issues, but not to the extent of patching things up either. But it was all positive and I felt good about it.
We exchanged good mornings before I departed for my Friday hike, so the lines of communication appeared to have been reopened. Friday was a crazy day with the Hash leadership meeting almost immediately after the hike. After the meeting, I headed over to Alley Cats for the dart tourney. Before the tourney began I got a message from my friend Sean, saying he had some “intel” regarding a girl and Dick. I had previously confided in him that I wasn’t quite over for her yet. At the time he just shook his head and told me to find a new girl. Anyway, the tourney hadn’t started yet, so I bailed out and went to meet Sean at IDM. I was very interested in his “intel”. It seems he had had occasion to speak with both Dick and the girl (separately), and the bottom line was they were not a couple. Yeah, Dick wanted her still, but the girl wasn’t reciprocating. Hmm.
Later that evening I sent her a message and asked if I was welcome to visit her place. She responded that of course I was and she would be happy to see me there. Good to know. I briefly considered stopping by on my way home, but I’d been drinking since early afternoon, and I didn’t want to make my re-entrance into her life while drunk. She’s not keen on drinking to excess which is why I could never see her being in a happy relationship with Dick. I went home and went to bed.
Sometime during the night, I woke up with a weird feeling. I’m not going to lie, since the breakup with my ex she was usually the last thought before I slept and the first thought upon waking. But this was different. I felt like there had been a disconnection, like hanging up on the phone. I can’t really explain it more than that gut feeling.
When I was on the computer later that morning I got a notification that my ex had deleted a message. I went to check messenger and saw that she had deleted the ones about my being welcome at her business and that she would be happy to see me. I messaged her asking what were the reasons for the deletions. She responded, “I’m setting you free to live the life you want and to be whoever you want to be.” WTF? I was getting dizzy from this roller coaster ride. I guess she decided she didn’t want me in her life in any capacity after all. It stung, but what could I do about it? Her life, her call.
So, time for me to move on with my life, right? Ernie messaged me yesterday asking if I wanted to join him at a new beach bar on Baloy. Hell, yes! We agreed to meet up at 3:00. So, as I’m hoofing it to Baloy and walking past the 7/11 who do I see sitting outside her new, and as yet unopened, resto-bar. Yep, the ex in the flesh. I decided to say hello. She had her back to me as I approached and was sitting with her cousin who will be running the place. I asked if this was the grand opening, he responded “not yet”. Silence from her. Never once even made eye contact. Okay then. I said good luck and left.
When I got to the beach bar I sent her a message apologizing for the intrusion and promising to never bother her again. I also said that I had remained friends with all my ex-wives and was sorry she didn’t want to maintain a friendly relationship.
And then it happened. She let loose. Telling me that she still had feelings for me. She had let me go so I could find my happiness. I responded that I wanted to be happy with her. And she said that’s what she wanted to. Yep, we were back to professing our love for one another.
I invited her to the beach bar but she said another time would be better. Would I join her at her place later? Of course, I would. I was already five beers into my afternoon, so I caught a trike home to rest up/sober up some before meeting her. I headed out to her resto around 6:00. She hadn’t returned yet, so I sat at the outside table and waited. She arrived about 45 minutes later, and we briefly chatted, but in a bland, platonic way. I understood better than I had in our first go-round that that is how she is in work mode. No problem, if I’m going to make this work I’m going to need to be better at accepting her the way she is. I knew she would be coming home with me, what else do I need? And then Dick arrived.
If Dick was surprised to see me, he played it off pretty well. He set about repairing the bar stools (fighting some screws and bolts) which was certainly a helpful gesture. Afterward, he sat down at the table where Pearl and I were seated. She was in the middle, equidistant from us both. Dick can put the beers away, that’s for sure. I was intentionally drinking slowly but he was doing at least two for every one that I drank. I ordered up my old favorite, some honey chicken wings. my girl also had a quesadilla and chicken fingers brought to our table. I got drafted to be the DJ again and Dick and I had pleasant chats focused on different songs and artists.
And that’s how the night went on. And on. And on. Dick left for a while around 9:00. He was probably surprised that I was still there when he returned 30 minutes later. In my previous iteration, I’d have been home asleep by now. During his absence, she had moved closer to me and she stayed there when he returned. And then what I perceived as kind of a “Mexican standoff” ensued. I wasn’t leaving until Dick left, and he wasn’t going to leave me alone with the girl. That’s how it felt anyway. So, the hours trickled by. Other customers came and went. Around midnight my buds Ernie and Sean came in, and the party rocked on.
My girl had to stay until closing and I guess they remain open until the customers are all gone. Dick wound up about as drunk as he was when I’d seen him at Queen Victoria. Finally, around 1:30 the waitress announced the last call for alcohol. Dick stumbled out and my girl accompanied him to the trike stand, returning a few minutes later. I stood by while she and the help closed up shop. Then we caught a trike home to my place.
Some passion and some talk until the wee hours of the morning. She went home and we are planning to meet up again later today. My head is still spinning from this unexpected turn of events.
Alright. Everyone probably thinks I’m making a huge mistake. Perhaps time will prove them right. But how can I not at least take the chance to make this work? She’s like no one I’ve met before. I can learn to be more accommodating to her quirks and hopefully, she’ll be accepting of mine. Only one way to find out, and that’s to try and make it work this time.
What have a got to lose? I’m reminded of this John Greenleaf Whittier poem.
Maud Muller, on a summer's day,
Raked the meadows sweet with hay.
Beneath her torn hat glowed the wealth
Of simple beauty and rustic health.
Singing, she wrought, and her merry glee
The mock-bird echoed from his tree.
But, when she glanced to the far-off town,
White from its hill-slope looking down,
The sweet song died, and a vague unrest
And a nameless longing filled her breast--
A wish, that she hardly dared to own,
For something better than she had known.
The Judge rode slowly down the lane,
Smoothing his horse's chestnut mane.
He drew his bridle in the shade
Of the apple-trees, to greet the maid,
And ask a draught from the spring that flowed
Through the meadow across the road.
She stooped where the cool spring bubbled up,
And filled for him her small tin cup,
And blushed as she gave it, looking down
On her feet so bare, and her tattered gown.
"Thanks!" said the Judge, "a sweeter draught
From a fairer hand was never quaffed."
He spoke of the grass and flowers and trees,
Of the singing birds and the humming bees;
Then talked of the haying, and wondered whether
The cloud in the west would bring foul weather.
And Maud forgot her briar-torn gown,
And her graceful ankles bare and brown;
And listened, while a pleasant surprise
Looked from her long-lashed hazel eyes.
At last, like one who for delay
Seeks a vain excuse, he rode away,
Maud Muller looked and sighed: "Ah, me!
That I the Judge's bride might be!
"He would dress me up in silks so fine,
And praise and toast me at his wine.
"My father should wear a broadcloth coat;
My brother should sail a painted boat.
"I'd dress my mother so grand and gay,
And the baby should have a new toy each day.
"And I'd feed the hungry and clothe the poor,
And all should bless me who left our door."
The Judge looked back as he climbed the hill,
And saw Maud Muller standing still.
"A form more fair, a face more sweet,
Ne'er hath it been my lot to meet.
"And her modest answer and graceful air
Show her wise and good as she is fair.
"Would she were mine, and I to-day,
Like her, a harvester of hay:
"No doubtful balance of rights and wrongs,
Nor weary lawyers with endless tongues,
"But low of cattle, and song of birds,
And health, and quiet, and loving words."
But he thought of his sisters, proud and cold,
And his mother, vain of her rank and gold.
So, closing his heart, the Judge rode on,
And Maud was left in the field alone.
But the lawyers smiled that afternoon,
When he hummed in court an old love-tune;
And the young girl mused beside the well,
Till the rain on the unraked clover fell.
He wedded a wife of richest dower,
Who lived for fashion, as he for power.
Yet oft, in his marble hearth's bright glow,
He watched a picture come and go:
And sweet Maud Muller's hazel eyes
Looked out in their innocent surprise.
Oft when the wine in his glass was red,
He longed for the wayside well instead;
And closed his eyes on his garnished rooms,
To dream of meadows and clover-blooms.
And the proud man sighed, with a secret pain,
"Ah, that I were free again!
"Free as when I rode that day,
Where the barefoot maiden raked her hay."
She wedded a man unlearned and poor,
And many children played round her door.
But care and sorrow, and child-birth pain,
Left their traces on heart and brain.
And oft, when the summer sun shone hot
On the new-mown hay in the meadow lot,
And she heard the little spring brook fall
Over the roadside, through the wall,
In the shade of the apple-tree again
She saw a rider draw his rein,
And, gazing down with timid grace,
She felt his pleased eyes read her face.
Sometimes her narrow kitchen walls
Stretched away into stately halls;
The weary wheel to a spinnet turned,
The tallow candle an astral burned;
And for him who sat by the chimney lug,
Dozing and grumbling o'er pipe and mug,
A manly form at her side she saw,
And joy was duty and love was law.
Then she took up her burden of life again,
Saying only, "It might have been."
Alas for maiden, alas for Judge,
For rich repiner and household drudge!
God pity them both! and pity us all,
Who vainly the dreams of youth recall;
For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: "It might have been!"
Ah, well! for us all some sweet hope lies
Deeply buried from human eyes;
And, in the hereafter, angels may
Roll the stone from its grave away!
Yeah, I can hardly believe this is happening either. Call me a fool if you will, but I choose to make a stand for love. Even if it kills me in the end.
