Started my day yesterday with an 8K solo hike. As I was leaving the house I almost turned around and went back. I was feeling so down I just wasn’t wanting to do anything. I forced myself to march on though, and near the end of my trek, I noticed how much better my mental state was. You really can walk your blues away it seems. I’ll put up a few photos later in this post.

My other big “accomplishment” for the day was finishing the Ricky Gervais’ After Life series on Netflix. It’s the story of how a man comes to deal with losing the love of his life to breast cancer. Although nothing so traumatic has happened to me of course, I could still relate to some of the insights and lessons the protagonist gains as he moves on with life. I confess I cried during the last episode, which might say more about me than the show. I honestly can’t recommend the series though. I think if you aren’t in a certain frame of mind it’s all just a little too dark. Or maybe British humor (humour) just goes over my head. I did enjoy most of the music and songs that played during some scenes. Joni Mitchell’s Both Sides Now was the background tune to the final scene in the last episode.

Here’s the trailer for Season Three if you want a taste:

It should come as no surprise that my plans for Sunday evening included drinking enough beer to make forgetting easier. I started that process at It Doesn’t Matter and was making some early progress when things changed. A message popped up on my phone from “Inez”, someone I hadn’t heard from in several months. She said she was in Barretto and asked if I wanted to meet and catch up. I said sure, and we agreed to rendevous at BarCelona when she was finished at the beauty salon.

It was a little surreal seeing her again. We’d actually only had one “date” way back when and it really hadn’t gone all that well. We stayed in touch for a while after that on Facebook but had drifted apart to the point of no direct contact. I guess what triggered her message was that I had seen her in an outdoor restaurant as I walked by during the Hash last week. And now here she was sitting with my drunk ass on the rooftop of BarCelona. We had a nice view of the Central Park Reef hotel and she said she had never been. I told her about how nice it was and she wanted to go there. So, I made a date with her for March 13, her first available off day.

Well, I know she is not the “one” or anything like that. I think we will remain firmly in the friend zone and I’m fine with that. Still, it was strange that she happened to step back into my life at this particular time. I realized that I had been looking backward and dwelling on what I lost, and now suddenly, I had something to look forward to. Funny how that works. And thank you for that, Inez.

Here are the photos from my hike I promised:

Relive it here if you have a hankering.

It’s Hash Monday so I’ll be back on trail this afternoon. Look for a full report tomorrow.

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Ah, the saga of a lonely man continues. Well, just because you are lonely doesn’t mean you have to be alone. I’m actually on the introvert side of the personality spectrum, but I prefer having people around when I’m drinking. That’s why I rarely drink at home. I’m not saying I need to have company with me at the bar, but being in the company of other patrons gives me something to look at while I imbibe. Entertainment if you will. Of course, the thirsty bargirls make their living by sitting with lonely strangers and I’m okay with that too on occasion. Anyway, it being Saturday night and all, and with the pain of my recent breakup needing medication, I headed into town with the intention of drinking copious amounts of alcohol in the form of beer. Here’s an illustrated story of the night’s events.

I had thought about stopping in at Outback and/or Queen Victoria before calling it a night but went back home instead after a brief detour at the Car Wash. Yeah, I’m having a hard time letting go. But what’s done is done. I’ll find a way to live with it.

I made a special meal for the special person who has chosen to depart from my life. It occurred to me that I had never demonstrated my grilling skills for her and I wanted to give a final culinary memory as my parting gift. I bought some steaks from John Kim at The Pub and had everything ready to go. The only question that remained was whether she would consent to dine with me. It didn’t look good at first but in the end, she agreed to join me for a last supper.

So, the meat, a baked potato, mixed vegetables, baked beans, and garlic bread. Overall, I’d rate it a B-. I prefer ribeyes, but these Angus cuts were tender and tasty. I got distracted in the house and when I came back to check the grill there was some flame broiling in progress. The fatty parts were blackened but no other real damage. I wasn’t happy with the potatoes though–my timing was off and they weren’t as soft as I like on the inside. She said she would have preferred the garlic bread a little toastier, but I always make it soft. Next time…oh wait, never mind. The veggies were good.

After she left I went into town and sat on the roof of BarCelona and tried to drown my sorrows.

Breakfast at Harley’s before my Friday group hike this morning.

And so it goes. A challenging hike this morning that I’ll post about tomorrow. Friday evening darts to come. And I expect I’ll quaff a few more beers than normal tonight to help ease the transition back into my solitary lifestyle.

I knew this day was coming. We agreed her chosen path was the right one to pursue and see where it leads. I wish her nothing but happiness. I’m going to miss her though. When it comes to love there is no such thing as a happy ending. But I have no regrets and I’m glad our ultimate parting was on friendly terms.

Good luck to you always, babe. Thanks for the memories.

And so it goes. Until it doesn’t. All you can do is enjoy the ride as best you can. The adventure is seeing what’s around the next corner. Bring it on!

I don’t know what I’m feeling these days. Melancholy might be close. But I’ve been in darker places. Actually, I’m just doing what I used to do to fill in the time. It may not be all that exciting, but there is comfort in the familiarity. Here’s how my yesterday went down.

Came back home and did my computer time, including writing yesterday’s blog entry. I got a kick out of the comments regarding my inartful, or should I say incorrect, articulation in the post title–One of these is different than the other; subsequently changed to the proper form of: One of these is different from the other. I never even gave it a thought because in my mind that’s how I would have said it. I stand corrected!

Anyway, life is for learning and I do appreciate the lesson.

I also finished Season Two of the Ricky Gervais Netflix series, After Life. It’s fair to call it a black comedy, although truth be told, it’s not all that funny. What I like about it are the pearls of wisdom in dealing with loss and depression that occasionally shine through. In the last episode, one of the characters referenced a Robert Frost quote: “In three words, I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.” Frost is one of my favorite poets and I was unfamiliar with the context, so I did a Google search and found this:

“In all your years and all your travels,” I asked, “what do you think is the most important thing you’ve learned about life?”

He paused a moment, then with the twinkle sparkling under those brambly eyebrows he replied: “In three words, I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on. In all the confusions of today, with all our troubles . . . with politicians and people slinging the word fear around, all of us become discouraged . . . tempted to say this is the end, the finish. But life — it goes on. It always has. It always will. Don’t forget that.

Frost said that back in 1954, but damn, those words resonate in these troubled times as well. I wasn’t even born when he uttered those words but the fact that I found comfort in them long after his death says to me that indeed, life goes on.

Beer o’clock rolled around and as is my custom, I made my way into town.

I was undecided about where to go for my liquid refreshment. My old haunts just seem so unsatisfying these days. And I really wasn’t feeling up for the whole “buy me a drink” routine from the desperate bargirls. I was thinking I’d just spend the evening looking at the beach, so I headed over to Mango’s.

For any of you who might think beer is something I enjoy to excess, I have signed on for this upcoming event:

And then I went home.

I ordered up some coasters for my friend’s bars a while back and they arrived this morning:

It’s another Hash Monday, so stay tuned for a full report on that event tomorrow.

The Friday morning group hike turned out to be the highlight of my day. I didn’t play in the dart tournament because one of my darts is still being repaired. That left the third aspect of my life–drinking beer. The problem with that is that I haven’t been able to reacclimate myself to enjoying the meaninglessness of the bar scene. Yeah, I know, give it time.

The truth of the matter is that I feel myself sliding into the black hole of depression. I’ve been there before and I’m confident I’ll be able to claw my way back out, but damn, losing at love again has just turned my world upside down. I don’t know what to do next, especially when the things I used to do have lost much of their appeal. Maybe that will change with time.

It probably doesn’t help that I’ve not been feeling well physically either. Stomach is not right and I’m just generally out of sorts. I tried to walk this morning and aborted the effort before I got out of the neighborhood. Just been lazing around the house ever since thinking about things that are better left unsaid. I hope I feel better soon.

Sorry for this downer of a post. But at least I have some pictures of the hike to share.

You can Relive the hike here if you want.

That’s it for today. It’s bound to be better soon.

Drinking my blues away was the objective and as far as I can remember it was a successful endeavor. Started out in the early afternoon at Harley’s on Baloy where I participated with my Lagoon teammates in 10-3 thrashing in dart league action.

I had achieved a pretty nice buzz by the end of the dart match, but I was just getting started. I needed to get one of my darts repaired so I walked further down Baloy Beach road to the Viking resort. Cristy, one of the dart players there, has the equipment needed to fix my broken dart, so I left it with her. Viking had just finished putting a whipping on Johan’s, and a couple of the gals from Johan’s I know were still there, so naturally, I greeted them. They left before I concluded my business with Cristy.

Since I was already in the middle of Baloy I decided to continue my drinking at a nice little beach bar nearby called McCoy’s. As I walked up I was surprised to see the two gals from Johan’s there as well. Turns out one of them was having a birthday, so I bought a round of drinks in her honor. Now, the one thing I don’t like about McCoy’s is they have a karaoke machine, and it is apparently always set at full volume. Some young woman was wailing away when I arrived. Normally, I just move on to somewhere else, but since the birthday girl wanted a drink, I stuck around. She eventually decided she wanted a turn on the videoke machine, so she deposited the requisite coins and grabbed the mike. I don’t remember what she sang, but it sounded alright.

And then she insisted that I take a turn. Play the video below at your own peril. You’ve been warned!

It always sounds so much better in my head. Ah well. Even bad singing doesn’t impact the view from McCoy’s:

After a couple of beers, I decided to head on back to Barretto. As I passed by my ex’s place, I thought, fuck it, I’m going in. Dick didn’t seem happy to see me but the ex joined me at my table for a glass of wine. I’m glad we are still on friendly terms.

After a few more beers and a chicken burger the ex ordered for me, I decided to visit It Doesn’t Matter. It’s been quite a while since I’ve been in any of my old haunts, and I was given a warm welcome back by the staff. I also got to have a nice chat with my favorite there, Roan. It was after 10 p.m. now and I’d been drinking for over 8 hours. I was at my limit. I don’t even remember paying my tab, I’ll check on that tonight. Caught a trike on home and my drunken Wednesday came to a close.

Here are some photos from the Wednesday Walkers hike for those of you who enjoy the scenery.

Anyway, time for me to get on with my Thursday drinking. Gonna hit Cheap Charlies to start and get reacquainted with my favorites there. Also, a couple of new bars have opened since my barhopping days were interrupted in the pursuit of love. Now that it is just me again, I have no one else to disappoint. Life has its compensations I suppose.

The girlfriend packed her things this morning and left me. The fact that this ending was inevitable doesn’t make it any less painful. I love her but sometimes love just isn’t enough. And I had promised that when this day came I would support her decision. You can’t love someone and not do whatever it takes for her to be happy, even at the cost of your own happiness. We parted with a hug and a promise to hold on to the memory of the love we shared. That is a much better ending than the “fuck off” it could have been. I’m thankful for that.

And that is how this first day of the rest of my life began. I did a long hike with the Wednesday Walkers group this morning. That did help me clear my head a little. Next up is darts league. And after that, I expect I’ll find a comfortable place to sit and drink my pain away. Yep, time to embrace the meaninglessness and emptiness of my life without love once again. The best part of that is that no one can hurt me there.

Well, I’ll be damned. I made it to Valentine’s Day with some semblance of a relationship still intact. It may not be all I wanted or expected it to be, but its survival, in and of itself, defies all odds. No idea what will happen next but I’ll worry about that tomorrow.

I started my VD eve at the Palm Tree hotel for beers and dinner.

After dinner, I spent a couple of more hours hanging out at the GF’s resto-bar while she took care of business. A little boring sometimes but the beer is cold. Beats drinking alone, that’s for sure.

I’ve also begun watching a series on Netflix produced by and starring Ricky Gervais, After Life. It’s a dark, comedic take on the life of the protagonist (Gervais) after the tragic passing of his beloved wife. I’m only halfway through the first season, but so far, so good. The third and final season debuted last month. Only six 30-minute episodes per season, so I don’t have to invest a large portion of my precious time to get through it. Give it a watch if you are so inclined.

And those Facebook memories strike again! Nine years ago I crafted this parody poem when I fancied myself to be a semi-pro darter who went by the handle of “Walrus”.

The Walrus at the Oche

The outlook was looking bleak that night as 501 did play
His opponent sat on a double 16--an out he could hit any day
While the Walrus was faced with a hefty sixty and a ton
A possible out for sure--but one he'd never done

It would have been much closer but he was throwing like a dope
So there didn't seem to be much cause for having any hope
A victory seemed unlikely, but then you never know
And win or lose you still got to make the throw

The Walrus swigged his beer then stepped up to the line
It could have been that he was drunk or just really feeling fine
When Jee Yeun shouted "fighting baby" he let go with a small fart
There wasn't any question it was The Walrus with the dart

There was ease in his manner as The Walrus took his stance
He took a breath, shook his head, and wiped his hands upon his pants
He gazed upon his target and then let his Widow fly
When the chalker called out "triple" The Walrus heaved a sigh

"He always was a lucky fuck" someone muttered in the crowd
"Come on! let's see another one!" shouted others right out loud
It hadn't seemed that hot before but The Walrus did perspire
And then he threw another dart--a triple, just inside the wire

And now what seemed impossible was just a 40 out
The Walrus was feeling confident, there wasn't any doubt
He owned the double 20, or so he liked to think
He'd throw this dart, win the match, and buy the house a drink

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright
The band is playing somewhere and somewhere hearts are light
And somewhere men are laughing and somewhere children shout
But there is no joy in Itaewon--The Walrus has bounced out.

(with apologies to Ernest Lawrence Thayer) 

And no, I didn’t quit my day job–that was during my first go at retirement.

Such is life. I’m older but not much wiser. At least I don’t smoke and there’s a lot less of me these days. Let’s see what happens next.

It occurs to me that love is not an all-or-nothing proposition. A relationship might not always develop in ways that you had hoped for but the underlying foundation of love ought to be strong enough to keep the bond alive. You can lose someone but not lose the love if that makes any sense. Anyway, I’m glad that there has not been a crash and burn ending. Instead, a different but deeper understanding of what is important and an openness to whatever may lay ahead has been developing. I’m happy for that.

Yesterday was pretty much a lazy day, didn’t even bother to get off my ass and take a hike. Of course, when beer o’clock rolled around I found the motivation to head into town for some liquid refreshment. I plopped myself down at the outdoor poolside bar at Outback and drank alone for a couple of hours.

We moved up the beach to Mango’s and enjoyed the grilled pork chop dinner together. Then it was back to her new place, The Snack Bar. I had some more beers while she took care of some business. I was a little snockered when I finally got home but still managed to blend up a batch of smoothies and watch an episode of Cobra Kai.

I also did a 6.5K stroll this morning.

You can Relive the hike here if you want:

That’s about it from here. It’s always good to remind yourself it could be worse.

See you tomorrow I hope.

When you’re an older man, there are fewer dreams you can fulfill.

Yesterday started with a trip to the dentist. I’ve been dethroned so I need a new crown. Got a cleaning while I was there too.

Had lunch at a new place in Calapadayan.

After lunch, we took a walk on Baloy Beach and enjoyed views like this one.

Anyway, that was yesterday. Today was a whole other story. More on that tomorrow.

Sorry for yesterday’s cryptic post. I was having a bad day. Today is a new day and maybe that rotation of the earth provided some much-needed perspective. At least now I am resolved to accept the bad that comes with the good and not let my emotions overwhelm me when things aren’t going right. I’m still not sure what the long-range will bring but I do feel a bit more in control of my destiny. I’m confident I’ll figure out an acceptable way forward.

There were some positive aspects to the day. The Wednesday Walkers hike was a nice distraction. We inadvertently took a path that led us to one of the hardest climbs I’ve attempted in quite some time. It was a steep motherfucker and covered in loose leaves and soft dirt. Trying to get a grip to avoid sliding backward after each step was a real challenge. We eventually made it to the top unscathed after what we all agreed would be a once-in-a-lifetime event–never going that way again! I still came away with a sense of accomplishment, so there’s that. Pictures from the hike are at the bottom of this post.

My Lagoon dart league team pulled off a 12-1 victory over our opponents from Queen Victoria bar. It was closer than the score indicates–we won the games but didn’t dominate. That kind of challenge makes darts more fun.

A former teammate of ours lives at Lagoon in one of their monthly studio apartments. He’s been hospitalized at a public hospital in Olongapo for the past week. That particular hospital has a reputation amongst the expats as “the place where you go to die”. We had been working on making arrangements to have him transferred to a much better facility in Angeles City. In the process of getting him released, we were advised he had tested positive for COVID. That precluded sending him to Angeles City. We were all gobsmacked to learn that he was still being released but would have to undergo home quarantine for seven days. So, he was transported by ambulance back to a resort hotel where presumably he’ll be confined to his room. Crazy times, but wishing him the best.

To those hike photos then:

…feeling blue.

Last night might have been my worst since moving to the Philippines. It’s a special kind of pain when you are honestly doing your best but your best just isn’t good enough. How do you fix that?

It’s another whacked Wednesday. Did my morning hike with the Walkers group. Now I need to shower up and get ready for dart league. I really hate feeling rushed and not having time for my nap. Oh well.

Speaking of darts, I went undefeated through the winner’s bracket, then dropped out of the tournament last night. My mind was somewhere else altogether and I just wasn’t feeling it.

Yeah, I’m falling apart. I need to figure out how to get my shit together and get back to being content with my life. So much for my illusions of being in control of my emotions.

This too shall pass. Hopefully soon.