I’ve decided I’m not giving up on Pam. She’s worth fighting for.

Yeah, it’s been a crazy ride so far and yesterday was yet another example of that fact. I thought we were going to dinner, so I went by her place around 4:00 p.m. to make sure she was going to be free to leave. Once again, Pam was sitting at the table with [that guy]* and several others. I also observed that she was finishing what appeared to be a club sandwich. So much for dinner, I thought to myself. Well, I had already resolved to not be intimidated by a Brit trying to steal away “my” girl, so I pulled up a stool at the counter with my back to the gathering at the table and ordered a beer. Not a word of greeting or acknowledgment of my presence from Pam. After a few minutes, Pam and [that guy] went inside and sat down together at a table. Alright, I had seen enough. I went inside, paid for my beer, and as I was leaving [that guy] engaged me in some conversation about an incident in Angeles where a friend of his had been beaten by the police. I politely listened and responded, said goodnight, and headed out the door. I was pretty numb at this point.

Pam followed me out and showed me a message on her phone concerning some legal issues she is facing over control of her business. She said [that guy] had some connections and she didn’t want to discuss the issues she’s dealing with outside in front of the others. Whatever. Pam wasn’t free to join me for dinner and so I left not knowing what to think, but I knew I was very unhappy about what I was feeling.

Went to Mango’s and took up my beachside stool drank some beer and ordered up some food.

After a couple of beers, I decided a walk on the beach was in order.

So, I decided a visit to It Doesn’t Matter was in order. Me plying Roan and another waitress with lady drinks was a nice enough distraction. After a while, I decided a change of scenery was in order, so I paid a visit to Cheap Charlies. I was surprised to see the place so busy. But Alma, my favorite there, found me a nice seat upfront with the highway view I prefer. More drinking and buying lady drinks ensued.

I had periodically been messaging Pam but she was mostly unresponsive. She did acknowledge that [that guy] was still at the bar. Well, in that case, I wasn’t going back so I caught a trike home instead. I was sound asleep at 11:30 when my phone rang. It was Pam telling me she was coming over. Okay then.

After she arrived, I went back to bed. She joined me. And we had a nice long talk before we fell asleep. And another long talk this morning. She convinced me that [that guy] is no threat to me, and while acknowledging he makes nearly constant advances, she has no intention of succumbing to his desires. He is a customer first and foremost, and one that perhaps will have some value in resolving her current situation with the landlord of her business. I told her that I trust her and have no interest in creating additional difficulties or stress in her life.

We also talked about ways we could have more success at spending time together. We do well when we are sharing adventures or doing things we both enjoy. So, we’ll see if we can work out a way to make that happen more often.

So, just when I was about to give up, Pam pulled me back in. She really is amazing in many ways and very much unlike the other women I have met here. I’m not going to quit unless and until I find that she is unworthy of my love and trust. We still need to improve our communication skills with each other, but based on our recent conversations I think we can make that happen.

*I am no longer comfortable using [that guy’s] name in these posts. It is a small town I’m living in, he’s lived here a lot longer, and he is well known throughout the community. He also apparently has friends in high places and I don’t need that kind of trouble in my life either.

Look at us baby, up all night
Tearing our love apart
Aren't we the same two people
Who lived through years in the dark?

Every time I try to walk away
Something makes me turn around and stay
And I can't tell you why

When we get crazy
It just ain't right
(try to keep your head, little girl)
Girl, I get lonely, too
You don't have to worry
Just hold on tight
(don't get caught in your little world)
'Cause I love you

Nothing's wrong as far as I can see
We make it harder than it has to be
And I can't tell you why
No, baby, I can't tell you why
I can't tell you why

Every time I try to walk away
Something makes me turn around and stay
And I can't tell you why

Or perhaps a reprise. We shall see.

Continuing on with the soap opera (or is it K-drama?) that is my love life, I *think* Pearl and I have reconciled. I had continued some sporadic message exchanges with Pearl throughout the afternoon and early evening. I was riding an emotional roller coaster, moving from “I’m better off without her” to “she’s worth fighting for” depending on the tone of her responses. In between my texting sessions, I attended a birthday gathering for the owner of Alley Cats, contributing a batch of my famous brownies to the potluck table.

After the party, I moved on to It Doesn’t Matter, where I once again enjoyed the banter and repartee with Roan. At that point, I was thinking that my old bar life was going to be my new future and I was reconciling myself to the fact that while empty, the lifestyle was relatively painless. Meanwhile, the messages with Pearl had devolved to the “I guess this is goodbye, then” stage. I sent her this as my parting words:

Given the tone of our preceding conversation, I was surprised when I received this response from her:

I miss you and I want you here with me

Now you tell me! I said goodnight to Roan and walked up the highway to visit Pearl at her place. We had the conversation we should have had from the beginning. I talked about her jealousy issues and noted the hypocrisy of her own actions, pointing out that had I taken a girl to see a live band in a bar, she would have been outraged. Perhaps even justifiably so. Certainly, my getting an innocuous message I didn’t even answer pales in comparison. She didn’t deny that but pointed out I had hurt her when I walked away from her earlier, and that she only stayed at the bar with [that guy] for a few minutes. Whatever. I told her I’m not jealous of [that guy] and if he is better for you than I am, she should go for it. Don’t settle for less than the best.

We talked about the triggering event that led us to this point–from her perspective me walking away, and from mine her not responding to multiple messages I’d sent. It really all came down to a misunderstanding and miscommunication. She explained that she had been very busy all that afternoon and for the most part didn’t even have access to her phone. I acknowledged that I was in a grumpy mood when I walked away to go to dinner. I wanted her to join me but didn’t explicitly ask her to do so leading her to misinterpret what my leaving meant. Yeah, ain’t love grand?

Anyway, we resolved to work harder on the issues this incident brought out–I’ll talk rather than walk and she will try and understand that women I know from the bars are no threat to her or our relationship. We’ll see how that works out.

I received some amazing comments on my previous post regarding this incident, and I wanted to share some of those insights and respond to some of the suggestions.

BW says: She should know u better first so she can trust u…keep trying to let her know that u never serious with anybody else

Yeah, we had a long talk last night about my interactions with bargirls. I explained that the girls work for drink commissions and I buy drinks sometimes to help them out. That doesn’t mean I want a relationship with them. I asked if she wanted to read all my messages or for me to delete all my female contacts, she said of course not and acknowledged that she has guy friends too. Hopefully, once she knows I have no intention of straying she’ll come to feel more trusting.

From Kevin Kim:

It’s unfair to expect Pearl to be the one Filipina who breaks the mold and doesn’t act Filipina. On the other hand, based on your account of the day in question, she does strike me as being oversensitive.

Yeah, my hatred of jealousy may be a little irrational too. Pearl is atypical in many ways, but yes, her thinking in terms of jealousy is true to form for Filipinas. We did have a rational discussion about trust issues so hopefully, that’s progress.

Ask your happily married friends whether their Pinay wives started off as insanely jealous people back when they were merely dating, and ask further what they, the guys, did to face down that jealousy. 

Well, I haven’t asked yet, but the guys I know in LTRs with Filipinas still have to deal with the jealousy issues. In fact, it may even worsen over time. Now, I can’t say that some of these folks haven’t done things that may warrant jealousy from their significant others…

If I thought there was hope in talking this out and figuring out how to deal with the problem together, I’d humbly advise talking, but Filipinas, especially the young ones, seem to think it’s better just to amputate and move on. Dramatic minds, dramatic solutions.

We’ll see. We did have a good face-to-face conversation on these issues last night and again this morning on messenger. Whether it will result in behavioral change remains to be seen. But I was quite taken aback when she “set me free” over what I considered a minor incident.

This goes back to the idea of looking for an older woman in a young body: ain’t gonna happen. An older woman with experience would probably be willing to act maturely—to hear you out and accept your declarations of loyalty. Young girls, not so much. But young girls are what you seem to want, so in a sense, you’ve trapped yourself in your own hell (a line I’ve said before).

But age is just a number! Actually, meeting Pearl was a matter of circumstance, not design. I actually prefer women in their mid-30s or so. But Pearl is 28 and mature for her years in ways that most Filipinas are not. For one, she lived in Japan for a number of years and I think that experience broadened her horizons. She is also demonstrating maturity in the manner she manages her business which appears to be very successful thus far. Yeah, young women are attractive, but I’m attracted to intellect as well. Getting both in one package would be a big win!

That info about her and [that guy] radically changes my evaluation of your relationship with Pearl. If she feels she can go off the reservation that easily, then she was never deeply committed to begin with. She’s just another young doe relying on her beauty to seek male attention, and to gain validation thereby. Female vanity. And again, the mark of someone young and superficial.

We talked about the [that guy] affair as well. It’s obvious that he is in full courtship mode but until that night she seemed resistant to his advances. According to her, it was a one-off, ten-minute excursion to the bar across the street from her place. I’m going to accept her claim that she has no interest in [that guy] until I have more evidence to the contrary. And as I said above, I told her if she wants to go that route she can go with my blessing. Isn’t that what love is all about–wanting your partner to find happiness?

More fundamentally, what is it that you want? To me, it seems you haven’t resolved that question, and it pops up again and again. If all you want is sex, then apparently, there’s plenty to be found, and you have no trouble finding it. If what you’re looking for is paid companionship, “care” instead of real care, then there’s plenty of that, too. But if what you really want is to find a life-companion who will be there for you when the going gets tough… I don’t know, but I think you may be in the wrong country. You need someone who deeply understands the American character—someone who knows, for example, that if you’re a little flirty with the other bar girls, this doesn’t mean your fundamental commitment to your woman has been compromised. But you’ve closed off the possibility of finding yourself a decent American woman, so again, we’re back to the idea of the self-made hell. Have you ever asked yourself why you’ve boxed yourself in this way?

HaHa! I was married to three different American women and got the same result–divorce. And yeah, I acknowledge that I was the common denominator in each of those relationships. So yes, that is the fundamental question–what is it that I want? I have this fantasy of loving someone and being loved and cared for in return. The reality of that kind of relationship is that it requires a lot of work to maintain and sustain over time. When I was forced to consider my post-Pearl options yesterday, retreating to my previous lifestyle seemed the most appealing. Yeah, it is shallow and hollow, but also pain-free. There is something to be said for that. But in the end, I decided Pearl was worth another go. I’m going to try harder to be a little less selfish and more understanding. If it still doesn’t work, at least I know I gave it my best shot.

From Brian:

I am going to look at it from her side. What is her “role models” in a foreigner/PI girl relationship? In many cases, it is probably a foreigner who comes to town, woos and dines a young lady, professes their love, and most/many times leaves them high and dry. Either by going back to their home country, vowing to return (but never doing so), or getting them pregnant (yeah, I know, it takes two to tango, but…) and then never having anything to do with them or their child again.

Well, the story of Pearl as I understand it was that she married a Japanese guy when she was 18 and moved to Japan. He was her first boyfriend. That didn’t work out for her and since that time she has had two foreigner boyfriends, both long-distance relationships. She moved back to the Philippines a couple of years ago. So, she doesn’t really have any experience with a full-time expat like me, although I’m not sure what difference that might make. As you note, it does seem like she has some preconceived notions of what guys like me are supposedly all about.

I am not sure it is a jealously thing but more of an insecurity issue. Though I suppose it can be said that they are one and the same.

Yeah, to me, jealousy is just a manifestation of emotional insecurity. The other side of the jealousy coin is fearing losing your meal ticket. in Pearl’s case, she is at least more financially secure and self-sufficient than most of the Filipinas I’ve met. Pearl has her own business (with a second location opening soon) and mama drives a new car and lives in a Subic subdivision. So, I think her motivations are pure at least.

In any relationship, it takes work, and this one can work itself out. But you HAVE TO stop looking at it from strictly a Western perspective. Easy to say and hard to do. John, I know you have a lot of multicultural experience. I do also, but I also find myself falling into the abyss of expecting relationship to play out as i think it should in the west. Cant do that.

Yeah, that’s a fair point and one I’ll have to be more cognizant of moving forward.

Also wanted to add that since you are have been in Barretto a few years and are fairly well known in town, I am guessing that Pearl made some enquiries about you.

Yeah, it is definitely a small town with small-town gossip. Pearl already mentioned that the husband of one of her girlfriends talked about seeing me hanging out in Finger Monkey. I don’t misbehave (much) in the bars, but I can imagine a scenario where two girls are giving me a back rub and how that may play out if someone told Pearl they saw girls touching me in the bar.

From Dave: [that guy] does sound like a Juan but do not not get discouraged – or even more cunt-struck – in response. Show Pearl (and her mother who I suspect is the one really pulling Pearl’s strings) just who is the boss and get a take away from Wet Spot. Still ₱5000 only L/T (with only half going to Daddy)

HaHa–well the crew at Wet Spot is amongst the best in town. Still, I’ll save that idea for the when/if this relationship effort fails. Funny side note, I’ve been wondering who mom would pick between me and [that guy]. She’s hard to read…

Alright, this post has gone on way too long and I hope it doesn’t come back and bite me in the ass. (No, I still haven’t told Pearl about the blog–yet.) Thanks again for your support and helpful comments. Let’s find out what happens next in this story.

Hash Monday today, so hopefully a respite from the drama.

I made it over to Pearl’s place at around 1:30 for our planned excursion out to Baloy Beach. When I arrived there were a couple of folks I knew sitting in the outside area so I joined in with the chit chat. Next thing I know, a plate of wings arrived courtesy of the owner who apparently wants to keep me fat well-fed.

Everyone I’ve talked to is impressed by the quality of the offerings and surprised at how inexpensive the food is. I’ve asked Pearl if they can make a profit at those prices and she assures me she has done the math. Sounds like a win-win.

Of course, I couldn’t eat those wings without a beer to wash them down. And then one thing led to another. And another. A couple of Hash buddies came by so it seemed rude to just up and leave. So, it was around 4:30 before Pearl and I finally headed to the beach. I asked if she wanted to walk but she preferred taking a trike. I didn’t argue the point. We did take a brief stroll down the beach before arriving at Laharnz’ place for more liquid refreshment.

I was pleasantly surprised to see a guy I know there I hadn’t seen for a while. John and I had a very pleasant chat. We talked some about Derek, a mutual Hash friend, who passed away earlier this year. Derek’s girlfriend returned to her province for a visit and asked John to keep Derek’s ashes while she was gone. John agreed to do so temporarily, but he has some doubts about whether the girlfriend will ever return. If she doesn’t, he said he’d likely just dump the ashes in the bay. I suggested an alternative–have a special Hash in Derek’s honor, then spread the ashes on the Hash trail. That’s how I’d like to be disposed of. John liked the idea and we both acknowledged that Derek isn’t going to care one way or the other. After death ceremonies and rituals are all about the people left behind.

Anyway, it was a nice evening on the beach but it was time to start thinking about dinner. I suggested we head up the beach to Da’ Kudos and have those grilled pork chops I love so much. Pearl enjoyed them too.

After dinner, we went back to her food place, but I was just about out of gas. So, I headed home and Pearl joined me there later. She’s a pretty amazing woman in many ways. Last night I was experiencing some chest congestion and she went into full nurse mode. It was really nice to have someone lovingly taking care of me. I’ve missed that.

This morning we got up and walked the dog, I made us some breakfast, and then she joined me on the Friday group hike. I could get used to this.

Time to get ready and head out for some Friday night darts. I’ll be back with a full report tomorrow.

Just a quick post on my busy Wednesday. Finished the morning hike and now I’m getting ready for dart league this afternoon.

Yesterday, I took Pearl out to lunch. One of the things we have in common is our love of Seoul. The Korean restaurant on the old Navy base, I mean.

It was a nice lunch date and our first time actually dining out together. I expect it won’t be the last. Pearl is a busy young woman though, so the taxi dropped her at her restaurant and I continued on home to nap, shower, and get ready for darts.

My darts were all over the place. Literally. I had moments of brilliance, including a ton-80 and a 5-bull shot, followed by an inability to hit anything I was aiming at. It was not a good night darts-wise. Still, somehow I managed to claw my way back into the money round. And then I quit. I was scheduled to play Billy to determine who would face Nancy in the finals. The loser of our match would finish third. I didn’t care. To continue would mean playing a couple more intense matches and I just didn’t feel like it. I told Billy “I concede”. I guess in some ways that might be considered unsportsmanlike, but I play for fun, not money. I got a chuckle when Billy and Nancy did my thing by declaring a tie and splitting first and second place money.

After darts, I dropped into Pearl’s place to spend a little more time with her.

As days go, it was a good one.

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away…

I can’t think of a better way to start the day than to wake up next to a sweet young brown-skinned woman. And that’s how I started mine! Then things took a turn for the better. Pearl wanted to know if I was going to do the Friday group hike and I asked if she had something else in mind. She did, suggesting we do our hike together in San Antonio, about 35K away in Zambales province.

Pearl said she knew of a resort there with hiking trails and she had always wanted to see what it was like. Sounds like a plan! We walked the dogs together, then headed down to the highway. Pearl didn’t have her hiking shoes with her, so she called her mother and asked her to meet us at Waltermart in Subic town. We caught a Jeepney and were on our way. Once she had her shoes we went back out on the highway to catch a bus. The way it works here is you stand on the side of the road and when you see a bus coming you wave it down. Provided there are seats available, the driver will pull over and pick you up. We didn’t have to wait long before we were aboard a nice air-conditioned bus destined to pass through San Antonio. Fare was 40 pesos each.

Because of traffic and frequent stops to pick up passengers, it took us about 45 minutes to reach our destination city. I’d been here a couple of times but was clueless as to where to go next. Luckily, Pearl knew her way around a lot better than me. We hailed a trike and Pearl asked the driver to take us to a restaurant she liked for breakfast. It seemed like we did a lot of driving around on backstreets before pulling up to a building with a “closed” sign on the door. Oh well. Pearl said we could eat at the resort, so off we went. It was a pretty good way out of town, but then things started looking oddly familiar. We were on the road to Pundaquit, an area where we had done a couple of Hashes back in the good ol’ days. We crossed the rickety old river bridge I remembered and shortly thereafter arrived at the Stonehill Farm and Resort.

Once we were back down and had exited the resort, we stood on the road and waited for an empty trike to pass by. I decided to start walking towards Pundaquit (poon-dock-it) to get my bearings straight. Soon enough I saw the road to Monty’s resort where we had done the Hash a couple of years ago. I knew there was a bar/restaurant I liked not much further away and then a trike arrived so we had him take us. “To the Gas Station”, I announced, and off we went. We kept going and going and I’m thinking, damn, I don’t remember it being this far. Finally, the trike pulled over and stopped at an abandoned gas station. I said, “no, no. This is not where I meant. The Gas Station is a restaurant!” He shook his head and shrugged. “Never mind, just take us back to San Antonio.” As we were driving I remembered a key detail–it’s not called The Gas Station. The name is Car Wash. Once I said those magic words the driver immediately knew what I was talking about.

After lunch, we caught a trike back to San Antonio and a bus pulled up almost immediately after we arrived. This one wasn’t airconditioned but it was breezy and comfortable. I got home in plenty of time to shower up and head out to the darts tourney.

Today has not been nearly as nice. But I’ll worry about that tomorrow.