Let it be forgotten, as a flower is forgotten,
Forgotten as a fire that once was singing gold,
Let it be forgotten for ever and ever,
Time is a kind friend, he will make us old.
If anyone asks, say it was forgotten
Long and long ago,
As a flower, as a fire, as a hushed footfall
In a long forgotten snow.
–Sara Teasdale
Sadly, the unfinished story I alluded to in my previous post appears to have reached it’s conclusion. The love is still there but the hope is now gone. Time to move on with the new narrative for my life. Whatever that turns out to be. 55 days to go.
I climbed a mountain today and didn’t throw myself off, so there’s that.
Me and the workmate Rafael enjoying the summit.
A view from the top.
So, at the top of Mount Asan is a helipad. I’m told choppers actually land there on occasion.
And now they have added a hanger….
So, speaking of my walking life I do tend to get around. And this being a small town, people seem to notice me. Yesterday a young soldier in our HQ building said she saw me walking on the far side of the base and asked how many miles I usually walk in a day. I told I try to do ten, more or less. She seemed impressed. Yeah, I’m pathetic I know.
I have several regular routes of various lengths I traverse depending on the time I have to spend. Being old and all, one key element I try to incorporate into my walks is public restrooms. In one of these restrooms I am always being stared at when I’m using the urinal.
What? Never seen one that big?
Two years ago I was visiting my friend Maria in Cebu.
I’d say all that walking has made a difference at least.
And speaking of Maria, she volunteered to help with a new masthead for the blog. That’s it up above. Much better than the one I created, don’t you think? Thanks so much, Maria!
Started this post off with Sara Teasdale, let’s end it that way as well.
It was a night of early spring,
The winter-sleep was scarcely broken;
Around us shadows and the wind
Listened for what was never spoken.
Though half a score of years are gone,
Spring comes as sharply now as then–
But if we had it all to do
It would be done the same again.
It was a spring that never came;
But we have lived enough to know
That what we never have, remains;
It is the things we have that go.
Trolling around on the internets this afternoon and kind of randomly came across some thoughts that really resonated with me.
Regular readers will have discerned that I’ve been struggling a little bit with figuring out my way ahead after some rather unfortunate setbacks. But progress continues apace and I’m generally cautiously optimistic about the future. In fact, leaving my life of failure here in Korea is a huge step forward.
My new life in the Philippines is a story waiting to be written. Which is a good thing, because the content here at LTG has been depressingly repetitive, even by my low standards. So many questions waiting to be answered–where will I live? How will I achieve purpose and meaning in my life? Will I find love, or more precisely, will love find me again? Stay tuned, the adventure will be beginning in a mere 56 days.
Anyway, as I mentioned I found some nuggets of wisdom from a guy in Alabama named David McElroy. In one piece, McElroy posits that “you can change your story, but you first must throw away the old ones”. Easier said than done for me, as I’m still trying to figure out if some of the old stories are truly finished. More on that to come. Here’s the part that really spoke to me the most:
“As I listened to the stories of people dealing with their losses, it hit me out of the blue that I shared something in common with these folks. The story I’ve told myself about my life has gone off track and it no longer even makes sense. As a result, I’m suffering depression from the loss of an unrealized life that meant so much to me — a narrative that’s no longer my future.
In a flash, I realized that I don’t have just one story. Over the course of my life, I’ve had at least half a dozen different narratives — and every time something has fallen apart, I’ve gone through a fallow period that felt like death — and then I’ve emerged with a new narrative that let me move on.
I now have no choice but to write a new narrative.
About four years ago, I fell in love — and that love came with a brand new narrative. I saw all the details in my mind. It was so clear and complete. I had a brand new narrative about what my life was going to be. And then the story went off the rails. Like a mourning husband whose wife has died, I hung onto that story, though. For all this time, I’ve treaded water — cut off from the story that meant so much to me, but unable to give it up.
It’s time for me to write a new story for myself, but in order to do that, I have to give up on things which have died — things I couldn’t control.
There’s no brilliant insight in deciding that one must move on in life after a crushing loss, but until the mind is ready for it, there’s no sense in someone saying, “You need to move on.” But something in me is ready — at least for the most part — to start fresh. Even if that means giving up on the fantasy of being loved and needed by someone who meant the world to me.
I don’t know exactly what my new narrative needs to be. I don’t know what my new identity is. I know that bits and pieces of past narratives will be woven into the new story, but it will be an entirely different narrative, at least when taken as a whole.
It’s painful to give up a life I desperately wanted and needed — especially with nothing yet to take its place — but I’m coming to see that I have to give up on something I can’t control. I have to find a new narrative about where I’m going and what I’m going to do — and, hopefully, who will be coming along for the adventure with me.
It’s time for a narrative that will let me start over. One more time.”
So yeah, that’s what the Philippines represents to me, my new narrative. Getting out of this purgatory that is my life here in Anjeong-ri will be a blessing, regardless of whether I find heaven or hell in Olongapo. I’m moving forward, that’s what matters most.
“Choosing a life of safety is safely choosing something other than life.”
― Craig D. Lounsbrough
That’s another quote I randomly found today. And wait! There’s more:
“That’s the nice thing about being human. We only have one life, but we can choose what kind of story it’s going to be.”
― Rick Riordan, The Hidden Oracle
Or how about this:
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Hope springs eternal and all that. Perhaps what has been lost will one day be found again.
So, I’ve been kinda sorta looking around for someone who might be able to redesign/update my masthead here at LTG without success. Today at, um, lunch, I got to fooling around and created this design all by my lonesome. I’m not totally pleased with the quality of the photo I used, but by golly I’m pretty damned impressed with myself for getting this far without deleting the entire blog. Trust me, I’m the original techno-peasant.
And this post also constitutes the very first in a brand new category appropriately called “Life in the Philippines”. The first of very many I hope. And since I’ve set the bar so damn low I expect future posts in this section will be astounding in comparison. Well, I don’t want to oversell, but you know what I mean.
Even though I’m a “double digit midget” things at Eighth Army Headquarters continue apace.
I led my team in providing some much needed training to our senior leaders in civilian personnel issues. For many in the officer cadre, working with civilians with the various rules and regulations associated with that workforce is a mystery that can be frustrating. Hopefully we managed to ease their minds some.
Today I also attended the Command Staff briefing to our 3-Star Commanding General. I did take note of the fact that on all the calendar slides the dates after mid-May lost all significance to me. I guess maybe I do have some symptoms of short timer-itis after all.
Oh, and I was asked to provide a copy of my bio…hmm. I’ve got a hunch what that is for, but I’ll let it be a surprise. For your reading enjoyment:
JOHN M. McCRAREY
Director, Human Resource Management
HQ 8th U.S. Army, Pyeongtaek, Republic of Korea
Mr. McCrarey began his career in federal service with the United States Postal Service in 1976 at Anaheim, California as a Letter Carrier. In his twenty-four years with the Postal Service he held positions of increasing responsibility in Prescott, Arizona; Fort Smith, Arkansas; Columbia, South Carolina; and Arlington, Virginia. His key assignments included Safety Manager, Labor Relations Specialist, Director, Human Resources, and Manager, Labor Relations. In 2001, Mr. McCrarey accepted a labor relations position with the United States Department of Education in Washington, DC. He joined the Army team in Korea in January 2005 as Chief, Labor and Performance Management and assumed responsibilities as Deputy Director in December 2007 and Director in June 2009. Mr. McCrarey retired from government service on 31 December 2010 but agreed to return to duty in the Directorate of Human Resources Management in June 2015, and accepted promotion to his former position as Director in September 2016.
Mr. McCrarey earned a Bachelor of Science in Human Resource Management from Southern Wesleyan University and did graduate studies at Marymount University in Arlington, Virginia.. He is a graduate of the USPS Advanced Leadership Program and the Excellence in Government Fellows Program. Mr. McCrarey is certified as a Senior Professional in Human Resources Management (SPHR).
You know, it occurs to me that my job is the best part of my life these days. Paradoxically, that is also the most compelling reason to retire again and find a meaningful life outside of work. We’ll see soon enough. In 58 days.
On this morning’s walk into the office I noticed these words of wisdom:
I’ll take that as a sign.
And on my afternoon walk I discovered more evidence that things here in Pyeongtaek are just a little bit off:
Every tenth Sunday?
All that walking has it’s rewards… 5,000 miles with the FitBit, apparently the equivalent of walking Africa end-to-end.
On the Facebook front, I got this reminder of something I posted 8 years ago today:
As I’ve been looking back at some old photographs I find myself wondering if I really enjoyed those moments as much as I should have way back then. You know, it is very easy as we live each day to focus on what’s ahead or behind us or whatever trouble we have on our mind. But really, there is so much to appreciate right in front of our nose and sometimes we miss that.
It seems I was a lot smarter then than I am now, don’t you think?
And it was only four years ago that I made the news:
“Man with wildly erratic darts endangers hotel guests” is how I recall the headline.
True enough. EspeciallyBut only if they stay by your side through thick and thin.
I’m wide open to whatever comes next in life. Open heart and open mind. Bring it on!
Forty years ago my son Kevin Lee began his life’s journey.
Happy Birthday son.
On today’s walk (26,000+ steps) I encountered this group of protesters with a rather unusual demand:
We’ll get right on that!
And today’s Facebook memories were particularly sad. Four years ago I was in Augusta, Georgia playing in a dart tournament.
Also there was my friend Bridget Werner….
And my buddy James Stoy.
Little did I know that they would both be dead within two years. You’ve got to live for the day because the days do run out without warning.
Speaking of darts, I’ve been playing in the IDK Saturday tourneys again. Took a first place last night.
My game is crap, I’m not anywhere near the player I used to be. Luckily, no one here is of the “A” division caliber I competed with in Seoul. Trying to get motivated to work at improving so I can kick some ass in the Subic dart league.
The Korean Employees Union leaders treated me and my KN labor adviser to a fine meal.
Grilled beef was tasty as were the sides. As a single guy I don’t get to enjoy Korean meals that often as they are generally served for a minimum of two…
After lunch we went upstairs to the union office and conducted our meeting. After working through the union’s agenda, I advised them I had one agenda item. I told them I had purchased a ticket to the Philippines for May 11. “When will you be back?” the President asked. I said it is a one-way ticket. I won’t be back. They were incredulous and none too pleased with the news. Which I guess is quite the compliment.
Early in my career I was a union steward and chapter president with the National Association of Letter Carriers. When I received my first promotion as a Safety Specialist, I was woefully unqualified for the job. When I asked the HR Director why she had selected me she replied “I always appreciated how you handled yourself in labor-management meetings. Your willingness to see both sides of a problem told me you had the right attitude and could be trained in the technical aspects of the job”. Now over 30 years later I was conducting a labor-management meeting on the management side of the table and listening with empathy to the union’s issues. It felt like I had completed the circle and it was a nice finishing touch to my long government career.
After work I took a two hour stroll along the Han river then circled back to my hotel as the sun set on another of the dwindling days in my Korea life.
Later that evening I met up with the nephew and friends Wan Jun and Becky for dinner at my favorite grilled pork belly restaurant in Itaewon.
The samgyupsal did not disappoint. Washed it down with beer and soju of course.
After dinner I was feeling nostalgic for one of the oldest bars in Itaewon, the Grand Ole Opry.
It’s the diviest of dive bars and was surprisingly divier than it was on my last visit.
Now, it is no secret that I like to country dance, especially when my brain has been properly lubricated with copious amounts of beer and soju. Sadly, no one was dancing last night despite the place being busier than normal. I noticed Wan Jun buying drinks for the some folks at another table and thought that odd. Then he sent a second round over. And the next thing I knew one of the gals came over for a dance with me. Yep, he bribed a woman to dance with me. How pathetic must I be? Well, I have my pride, but I accepted the dance anyway and twirled her around the empty dance floor. It was fun for me. She left after that one dance.
The last time I danced at the Opry was with my Commie friend Choonae. Justin still had videos on his phone from that night which I linked above. She’s a great dancer and made me look much better than I am. Good times!
I was pretty much done by then anyway. Went back to the hotel where I could Rest in Peace.
Okay, so yeah, I did stop in at the Dairy Queen for a large strawberry sundae. Call the diet police, I don’t care! Also, somewhere along the way I managed to lose my room key and the Crown hotel charged me W10,000 to replace it. Well, I didn’t have much choice but to pay, did I? Up at 0530 this morning to beat the traffic and be home in time for my Saturday mountain climb.
Which I have now completed. Weather was warm and pleasant.
So that’s about it. I have a buyer for the car, the gas grill, and my inflatable bed. And 62 days to sell the remaining remnants of my Korea life.
It has been a strange week hearing from some past loves. But also gratifying. I’ve really learned a lot about love and life through them, and as painful as those experiences may have been, they were invaluable. And it was a comfort for me to know that I’m still thought about and perhaps even loved. To the one that matters most, I think that the love I never expressed until it was too late is at least now believed to have been real and coming from the heart. That means more to me than she’ll ever know.
The longer I live the more I believe
You do have to give if you wanna receive.
There’s a time to listen, a time to talk.
And you might have to crawl even after you walk.
Had sure things blow up in my face,
Seen the longshot win the race.
Been knocked down by the slammin’ door.
Picked myself up and came back for more.
Life’s a dance, you learn as you go.
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow.
Don’t worry ’bout what you don’t know,
life’s a dance, you learn as you go.
Off the Seoul again this morning. Luncheon meeting with the Korean Employees Union leadership. It’s a monthly thing so this will be the penultimate meeting. We have a lot of mutual respect for one another, so I’m sure the news of my upcoming departure will be unwelcome but so it goes.
Plans to hookup with the nephew and other friends for a Friday night romp in Itaewon. I’m sure this will not be the final visit to my old haunts yet, but of course time is winding down. I’m just pleased as hell to catch a break from the dead “nightlife” in Anjeong-ri. Hell, even the bar owners have been complaining to me about the lack of customers lately. Seems that when the soldiers get paid, they also head up to Seoul. And with another exercise on the horizon they are looking at two weeks of zero military business, which is probably 95% of the trade here. Thank God I didn’t get sucked into the temptation to go into the bar business here.
Speaking of bars, here’s that drink menu at Shooter’s I mentioned in an earlier post:
Now, I’ve had my share of blow jobs (a pretty tasty shot containing Baileys) but I just don’t think I’d be comfortable asking the bargirl about having a wet pussy.
I don’t know much about chemistry, but I found this pretty damn funny:
I need a crowd of people,
but I can’t face them
day to day,
I need a crowd of people,
but I can’t face them
day to day.
Though my problems
are meaningless,
that don’t make them
go away.
I need a crowd of people,
but I can’t face them
day to day.
Enjoying a little after lunch celery at work on Monday and it seemed crunchier than normal. Upon closer examination I discovered one of my incisors had partially disintegrated.
So it was off to the dentist today. Started with an overdue cleaning, then an examination and an x-ray. Doc says the recommended course of action is a root canal, insertion of a post, then top it off with a crown. All-in about $1500. Alternatively I could go with an implant for $1700. Or just pull the fucker and be done with it. Well, I’m not sacrificing my sexy smile just yet, so root canal it is. On Thursday. At least I have experienced no pain from the broken tooth, so there’s that.
In other news, I found a place to secure and ship some balikbayan boxes (shipping service to the Philippines). A hundred bucks for the standard size box to Manila regardless of weight. I’m figuring I’ll get two and whatever don’t fit gets sold.
I also learned that the Philippines embassy will be of no help (assuming I ever catch them open for business) in processing an SRRV retirement visa. Going to need to do that with boots on the ground apparently. Ah well, no big deal.
Lots more on my to-do list. 65 days to get it all done.
I got a call from Dr. Lee today which was pretty surprising. I wasn’t even going to try for an appointment until next week reasoning that the lab results wouldn’t be immediately available. Anyway, she told me she had an opening so I should try to schedule it if possible. Now, I’m seen on a space available basis so it was a roll of the dice. Called at noon as required and sure enough I scored the coveted appointment with the lovely Dr. Lee.
I was so happy I even tried to smile instead of my normal grimace. Alas, now my eyes are all weird. I guess I’m just not a selfie kind of guy.
Well anyway, Dr. Lee comes in and tells me she was glad I was able to see her as she didn’t want to give me the CT results over the phone. WTF! I’m thinking oh shit, now what. Then she tells me they found a cyst inside my left kidney. What do I do now, doc? I asked. She said, oh it is very small and really nothing to worry about. WTF! You could have told me that over the phone! Oh well, it is what it is. We talked about the importance of keeping my blood pressure down and set some goals in that regard. I’m monitoring twice a day now and it is generally lower (mid 130s) with my target being low 120s.
I guess I’ll live.
In the realm of politics, I was reminded today by Facebook that I’ve been a strong proponent of gun control since at least the early 1970s. Surprised?
See how balanced and in control I am as I aim and fire my rifle? And my pistol is also firmly holstered and under control. We need more of that in America, don’t you think?
And finally, the other night in one of the sorry bars I frequent I was surprised to see some young Korean women sitting at the bar. Honestly, that almost never happens. Anyway, I was toying with the idea of buying them a round and asked the bartender what they were drinking. She told me they were having a wet pussy. Yeah, I’d seen that on the menu above the bar (along with blow jobs, sex on the beach, etc) but didn’t think it was an actual drink. Not knowing what was in such a drink I asked one of the young ladies if I could have a taste of her wet pussy. Then all hell broke loose.
Okay, true story except the last part. I THOUGHT of asking that question then immediately thought better of it. It might have been funny. Or she might have said yes. But either way it likely would not have ended well for me.
For the second weekend in a row I was joined by three of my co-workers on Saturday’s hike.
The Hash was postponed today so I gave myself a break to the tune of 30,000+ steps.
The most interesting thing I saw on my chosen path was this. I don’t want to get into the weeds about it, but it struck me as a metaphor for my non-existent love life. King of Hearts my ass.
And speaking of love, have any of you Facebookers ever noticed this:
Thanks for that Mark.
Anyway, life is good. My house is filled with the aroma of my forthcoming dinner.
Pot roast it is tonight. Best get after it…
In 67 days perhaps I’ll have something more interesting to blog about. Or not.
Back from my whirlwind trip up to Seoul. I had feared the holiday traffic would be bad but it turned out to be no worse than usual. Got to the hotel at 3:30 so I decided to take a hike. It was cold and windy so I opted out of my plan to climb Namsan. Given that it was still early, I hoofed it over to the Philippines embassy in the Kyungridan neighborhood. I was greeted with a sign saying “closed on Thursday in observance of the Korean Independence Movement holiday. Oh well.
Had to pee, so I visited the Grand Hyatt hotel. Damn, it’s about the nicest hotel I’ve ever been in. Over the years I’ve dined there a couple of times and visited the nightclub (JJ Mahoney’s). So I walked around inside some, soaking up the ambiance and remembering the people I shared time with there. Started to get sad so I left.
Coming down the mountain from the Hyatt I enjoyed the Seoul skyline once again.
I don’t know what it is about memories that were mostly good at the time that cause me to feel more forlorn than normal. I truly do love Seoul and you’d think those feelings would be all the more enhanced since my exile to Pyeongtaek. Eh, it’s all about perception I guess and I chided myself for allowing the past to depress me. To little avail, but at least I know the problem is me.
And I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being watched!
I did make it a point to walk the crowded sidewalks so I could be jostled and irritated by rude fellow pedestrians. I’ve kinda missed that on the empty streets of Anjeong-ri. Suffice to say I wasn’t disappointed and I had to smile inwardly despite those feelings of frustration being stuck behind Koreans with no sense of space or situational awareness. Some things never change!
I had to pee again so I popped on down into Itaewon Station. Damn, it has been a long time since I’ve been in there.
Having achieved the barely acceptable step count of 15,000, I headed on down to Shenanigans. My old friend Rick had moved back to the USA a year ago and was back in town to fetch his wife and dog so they could all live happily ever after in Texas. He had one free night and agreed to spend it with me at our old hangout.
That’s Rick to my left. We also ran into Fidel and Mark and several other buddies from days gone by. Now that is something I definitely miss these days. After a few beers and some pub grub (pulled pork quesadilla and chicken wings) my mood was greatly enhanced.
A good time in a crowded bar surrounded by people I know. Does it get any better than that? When it was time to head back to the hotel I took a detour so I could check out the new Dairy Queen in Itaewon. And by check out I mean order a large caramel sundae. Yeah, I cheated on my diet. I have no self-control when I’m drunk. Sue me!
Up bright and early to walk over to the Army hospital. They had called during my drive down to say I needed to redo the blood test (apparently they had tested the wrong things from the sample I provided last week). So, the blood lab opened at 7:30 and I got there before anyone else…including the employees who strolled in about 8 minutes late.
I’m number 1! For once in my life…
After giving my blood sample to a cute Korean technician, it was off to the radiology department for my CT scan. I had to wait about 45 minutes for the blood work to come back, but a young soldier finally called my name. Mispronounced it so badly I didn’t know it was me until his sergeant came out and fetched me. They were doing a contrast image of my kidneys (I’m not sure why, but I reckon Dr. Lee will explain it all) which meant it was necessary to inject me with dye. The young soldier tried to insert the IV in a vein twice and failed. So the sergeant used me as a training opportunity. It took him two painful pokes, but he got it done. The scan was a breeze after that.
I left the hospital and walked over to the Dragon Hill Lodge and had a cup of coffee with my wife. Let her know I had a firm date for leaving the country forever. More sadness for me, but what is done, is done.
Did some banking business then walked back over to the Philippines embassy. It was still closed with yesterday’s signage still in place. I guess they just decided to make it a long weekend. It was a great opportunity for me to practice my Philippines mantra: “Take a deep breath. Relax. And accept the Filipino way”. I expect I’ll be saying that a lot in the weeks and years to come.
Headed back to the hotel to fetch my car for the drive home, and walked through my old neighborhood in Naksapyeong. Had to pee so I popped into the little park on my old street.
The unbearable lightness of being.
Anyway, an uneventful trip home to Pyeongtaek, which is just the way I like it.
So, I’m marching forward towards my new destiny. Taking steps to make that happen included booking my one-way ticket to the Philippines on the night of May 11, which also will be my last day on Uncle Sam’s payroll. I’ll be flying business class on Philippine Airlines. I’m hoping that will allow an extra free checked bag, but either way at least I’ll be leaving Korea in comfort. In a mere 71 days!
This afternoon I’ll be steppin’ on up to Seoul. Have an early morning appointment at the Army hospital. Dr. Lee ordered another CT scan, this time to check out “something” near my left kidney. Ain’t that a pisser? Afterwards I’ll drop by the Philippines embassy to see if I can apply for the Special Senior Retirement Visa (SSRV) locally before I depart. I know in the PI the Philippines Retirement Authority has agents that do most of the legwork. We’ll see. But shit is starting to get real, that’s for sure.
Facebook reminded me that 4 years ago I was living a different dream. Fuck you for that Facebook. I’ve given up trying to understand what went wrong.
Does anyone know what “inexplicable” means? I looked it up in the dictionary, but it just said “cannot be explained”. So I still don’t know… (ahem).
This Sunday will be my fifth Hash with the 5H hashers. Could be I’ll earn the honor of being “named”. We’ll see. I’m really looking forward to rejoining my “home” Hash is Subic, with or without a name.
I’ve been “fixed” myself, but I’m still up for finding me some romance when I’m living on the beach.
This is wrong on so many levels…
My brother must have been born to be a trucker…
Anyway, I’d best be getting on the road. Today is a Korean holiday, who knows what that means traffic-wise.
At a crossroads of sorts. Diligently working at letting go of the past and looking forward with some trepidation to an unknown and uncertain future. This twilight zone of being caught in the middle of lost dreams and hope for the dreams to come at times overwhelms my resolve to live in the moment.
Well, there are many things to be done over the course of the next 75 days and I’m slowly but surely getting them accomplished. Today for example I started the ball rolling on recruiting for my replacement. Hopefully this will afford Eighth Army the opportunity for a smooth and seamless transition in the Human Resources Management Director’s chair.
Honestly speaking, letting go of the job is the hardest part of leaving. I’ve been resisting the entreaties of my staff to stay “just a little bit longer”, but it was tempting. It is not just the insane pay and free mansion palace. I actually enjoy the work and most of all the people I work with. It is a good feeling to be part of something bigger than myself and to be doing meaningful work (at least as meaningful as government work can be) and making a difference. I’m actually very proud of some of the initiatives I’ve helped put in place during this final iteration of my working life.
But I’ll always have this nifty hat to remind me of my glory days…
Going forward, I will need to work hard at staying engaged in the day-to-day chores my Uncle Sam pays me to perform. It was kind of funny last week when I met with my counterparts from the ROK Ministry of Employment and Labor and the Ministry of Foreign Affairs for a Status of Forces Agreement (SOFA) Labor Subcommittee (which I co-chair) gathering. The ROK side had put forth several agenda items and I of course listened respectfully to their issues and concerns. I told them on behalf of USFK that we were certainly receptive to making the changes they were suggesting, contingent on them coming up with the money to fund them. Bottom line, we agreed to continue working together on strategies to strengthen the alliance. Katchi kapshida and all that. In my own mind I’m thinking I succeeded in kicking that can far enough down the road to be in the “not my problem anymore” category.
Thirty years ago I was acting Director of Human Resources in Roanoke, VA for the USPS. I wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then…
Anyway, in my non-working life things are pretty much as they have always been. Little things pop into my head on occasion. Like “should I buy this large size of laundry detergent? Will I be able to use it all before moving day?” You know, meaningless stuff that means I’m getting my mind around the fact that my Korea life is nearing its expiration date.
In the category of “if there is a God, He must be laughing His ass off”, I’ve recently had a couple of women here express an interest in getting to know me. Tempting as that may be, I’ve been resistant to their charms. Given the shortness of my remaining time in this lovely village, what’s the point? It can only end badly for one or both of us. I will not allow myself to be waylaid from my chosen future, despite its uncertainty, like I was 8 years ago. Been there, done that and have the broken heart to prove it.
Speaking of that uncertain future, why shouldn’t the uncertainty be a feature, not a bug? It’s the uncertain nature of things that make for an adventure. As one friend put it, when did you become such a pussy? (well, I am paraphrasing, but that’s the gist of it). It’s true, 8 years ago I was set to go out into the great unknown alone and unaccompanied without fear. Now I am lamenting not having the person I hoped to share that future with to take care of me. Ah well, I’m older and maybe a little less sure of myself these days, but I expect I’ll manage just fine.
Every dawn is one day closer to having boots on the ground. Being freed from this purgatory between the past and the future will make all the difference. Or so I keep telling myself.
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn’t your father, or mother, or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
He’s the fellow to please – never mind all the rest
For he’s with you, clear to the end
And you’ve passed your most difficult, dangerous test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.
–Paul Dale Wimbrow
“I’ve gotten so used to being unfulfilled here that sometimes I forget there’s a whole wide world out there where I could be equally depressed and joyless.”
Finally got in to see Dr. Lee at the base medical clinic for a follow-up appointment. I’ve got to give credit to MEDCOM docs, everyone I’ve seen has been outstanding, willing to spend time with you and taking a sincere interest in your health and well-being. Hell, she has called me twice since my appointment on Wednesday with additional information and guidance. Complete opposite of what I’ve experienced with Korean doctors which is five minutes, a prescription, then out the door.
Anyway, the good news is the aneurysm is described by Dr. Lee as small. She suggests an annual ultrasound to make sure it isn’t growing. The lung nodule has not changed since last year, so I was happy to hear that. It was funny though, she left the room for about ten minutes during my visit and came back to tell me she had consulted the cardiologist about the stint in my heart. I told her I don’t have a stint. She insisted my records indicated a stint. I responded, no I reported being STABBED in the heart. Repeatedly. Eh, my sense of humor goes completely over her pretty little Korean head.
Bottom line, I’ve added more prescription drugs to my daily regimen: something to lower cholesterol, something to reduce my heart rate, and aspirin to reduce the chance of a heart attack.
Pills in the morning, pills after dinner, and pills before bed. It sucks to be old, but it still beats the alternative!
I have a bad heart!
Oh, I almost forgot to mention my painkillers:
Ah, but you knew that already, didn’t you?
As long as I keep breathing, there will be hope.
Where are you hiding my love?
Each day without you will never come again.
Even today you missed a sunset on the ocean,
A silver shadow on yellow rocks I saved for you,
A squirrel that ran across the road,
A duck diving for dinner.
My God! There may be nothing left to show you
Save wounds and weariness
And hopes grown dead,
And wilted flowers I picked for you a lifetime ago,
Or feeble steps that cannot run to hold you,
Arms too tired to offer you to a roaring wind,
A face too wrinkled to feel the ocean’s spray.
–James Kavanaugh
Well, I achieved the 500 facebook friends milestone. That’s my limit. Any additional adds means someone gets cut. Won’t be a problem though since I’m probably only interacting with 50 or so of these “friends” anyway.
In the realm of “real” friends, I want to give a shout out to Evangeline. She’s someone I’ve “known” online since 2009. When I made the decision to marry Jee Yeun I needed to end our contact. That hurt her I know, but I didn’t have any choice. Once I committed to married life, I had to leave the Philippines and Filipinas behind. A lot of good that did me.
Anyway, after the breakup Eva left a comment on my blog and we reconnected. I had her over for a visit last year and showed her around Korea. It was nice to finally meet her in person, but we were in different places emotionally. I was in denial about my love for Loraine and she was I think hoping to rekindle our previous online romance in the 3D world. Well, that didn’t work out, but to her credit and my good fortune we have developed a very robust and satisfying friendship. I actually consider her my best friend these days. We are open about the things happening in our lives, good and bad. We share words of wisdom, comfort and support with one another. There is a level of trust and honesty between us that has been pretty rare in my life. It’s meant a lot that she has stood by me during my recent heartbreak. Thank you for that, Eva!
Also in the realm of online friendship, I reached out to a fellow member of a PI Forum I’ve communicated with in the past as he hadn’t posted in quite sometime. Turns out he is doing quite well these days. He read about the spectacular failure of my “brand new plan” (hiring someone to be my caregiver/girlfriend) and shared these insights:
Hi John,
I remember your plan about the care-giver. I have not kept up with the PA updates since June of last year. I am reading now your developments since then. quite an emotional trip you’ve had.
We have some similarities in our experiences, you and me. As you know, I struggled for a couple of year to understand what I was going through. This is not easy stuff. PA addicts helps open our eyes and put things in perspective a bit, but it does not solve the problem. The Filipina is on one extreme of the continuum and the BMs here are on the other extreme, but the solution for you and me is in the middle-ground.
You are right in your description of the old foreigners in the bars and in SM, how they look lonely and empty. I see it in the eyes and on their faces every time I am there. Don’t buy their bullshit that they prefer to live this way, just meeting up a girl for p4p twice or three times a week, then live a lonely and empty life the rest of the week. This is all bullshit, they just don’t want to spend the money or they can’t handle a basic relationship. I feel sorry for them too – to drag their asses all the way to the Philippines so that they can live a lonely and purposeless life there? How sad is that?
There are a lot of foreigners who live in the PI who are in very happy relationships with Filipinas. Some have a traditional type relationship and some are swingers and are in open type relationships. If you are willing to spend the money, you can have any type of relationship you want over there. This is what I have learned. The girl will give you anything you want for the money, including affection and loyalty… everything for a price, and yes, that includes devotion and loyalty. Their minds just work different than ours, it is all about survival and the long game. BMs tell you that Filipinas live day by day and don’t think of the future? This is the biggest piece of crap I have heard, it is all about the long game and about the future with Filipinas, all about security in the LONG RUN. You have seen it with your girl and I have seen it with mine.
When I am in the Philippines, I stay in Angeles with my girlfriend. If you recall, she purchased a town home on the hills above Clark, I stay with her over there. We have an open relationship and we are having a lot of fun playing together with all kinds of other people. We are pretty much like Timanglove and his partner. After all that soul searching and deliberation, I have found that this is the only way I am comfortable in a relationship with her. It is not what she prefers, but it is what I prefer. And since I am the one with the resources, this is how it is.
Am I taking a chance that one day I might lose her to a Kev? Yes, but I have learned the hard way that the only way you can have a decent relationship with these Asian beauties is to make your rules clear and be willing to let them go if they cannot meet those rules. So far she is sticking around and she is fully devoted to me.
I will talk to you soon, keep your chin up, what you experienced is normal over there, her choice is about her not about you… long-term security is in their DNA, you cannot separate it from love, the sooner you accept that, the better off you are and the more likely you are to succeed and to enjoy your relationships.
I would love to meet you when I am there so we can chat a length. My girl is only 23 and she is truly a very decent person and very loving and very caring… yet, I know that what keeps us together is money and I accept it now… And until I accepted it, I was not happy, and I could not enjoy myself or optimize the relationship, or my life…
Best,
George
Now, me and George see things a bit differently I think. I’m hoping that someone real will find me in the wilderness of my life and love me for who I am, not for what I have. And I honestly believe that is possible if I’m patient and refuse to settle for something less than that. But I’ll give George his due for accepting his reality for what it is. And choosing to be happy and satisfied with that. Anyway, I do hope to meet him one day and share our joys and sorrows over some cold beers.
Here in the real world I had the pleasure of some company this weekend.
Nephew Justin, and friends Becky and Wan Jun came down from Seoul for the wedding reception….
After a dinner of meatballs and shrimp (hey, it works!) we ventured out to IDK bar for some darts while we waited for the reception to begin at 8 p.m.
Except it didn’t begin at 8:00. The bride and groom arrived at around 10:30. So there I sat, a lonely guy.
The groom, Daniel.
The bride, Dela.
The bride and groom. At their request I offered up a drunken toast in honor of the marriage….those sober enough to remember tell me it was well done. Hope so!
Don’t you think Daniel and my nephew bear an uncanny resemblance?
Breakfast with my guests before their afternoon departure for Seoul.
I did the Hash this afternoon. It was just me and the “Hare” (the guy in charge of making the trail). But we had a pleasant walk together and some good conversation. Then I told him about the new Wolfhound Pub in the ‘ville (he frequented the one in Itaewon). He was pretty excited about the news, so we headed over for some beers. Made for an enjoyable afternoon with a new friend.
Life is good.
I hope the day will be a lighter highway
For friends are found on every road
Can you ever think of any better way
For the lost and weary travelers to go?
Making friends for the world to see
Let the people know you got what you need
With a friend at hand you will see the light
If your friends are there then every thing’s all right
Happy Lunar New Year and welcome to the year of the dog!
The Korean Employees Union President sent me a kind holiday greeting and a gift box of assorted dried seaweed. Yummy!
In a rare alignment of the stars I’m at the beginning of a four day weekend (Monday being the American holiday in honor of our Presidents).
So, what’s in store? Mountain hikes today, tomorrow and Sunday.
There’s also likely to be some drunkenness. Got some practice for that in last night.
My friends Daniel and Dela are now legally married and we will be celebrating with a huge reception here in the ‘ville on Saturday night. The nephew, and friends Wan Jun and Becky are coming down to stay with me and join in the festivities. Always nice to have company….
Saw this alongside the trail I was hiking the other day. I assume they are those tectonic plates I read about after Korea’s recent earthquake activity.
It’s funny how that works out…
Speaking of time travel, It was one year ago I was falling in love (unbeknownst to me) in Olongapo. I can’t go back and make it right, so I will plod on to the unknown and uncertain future.
And that’s it for now from your humble correspondent. I’ve got mountains to climb!
So, some ruminations on spending another Valentine’s Day alone. Yeah, it is going to be one of THOSE kind of posts. Read on at your own peril.
It’s been an interesting week, full of insights and inspirations from seemingly random sources. For example, I had occasion to view this old video of me winning a Korean Darts Federation tournament way back in 2012.
I was astounded to see and be reminded of what a fat old fuck I truly was. At least I was fat and happy back then. Little did I know that the woman I was sharing my life with would desert me three years later for reasons I still don’t fully understand. Maybe it’s as simple as she found my appearance disgusting and couldn’t bear the sight of me. Although truthfully I was fat when she married me. So, who knows?
Anyway, I am skinnier and sadder these days. But perhaps my new healthier lifestyle will afford me a few extra years to figure this whole love thing out once and for all. Hey, it could happen! And it is good to remember that I have been loved in the past which gives me at least some hope for the future.
Karen Rush, my first love joined me for the high school prom way back when.
Now I need to find my last love. I hope it is something like this:
You know, I’m thinking I shouldn’t settle for less than that kind of love. Lord knows, I’ve paid my dues.
“How goes the search?” I imagine you asking. Honestly speaking, it’s not. I’m taking a break from the dating sites, it’s just too depressing sifting through scammers and pretenders looking for someone real.
Well, there’s Gem. You remember her, the woman who joined me for the New Year in Olongapo. For the life of me I cannot understand why she is unable or unwilling to engage in any meaningful conversation. Sure, I get the regular good morning and good night, but nothing of substance in between. I’ve tried to draw her out to no avail. Now, I’m sure some wags would say a woman who doesn’t talk is a feature, not a bug. But for me it is a deal breaker. I desire companionship, and being able to talk together is a big part of that for me.
On one of the forums I belong to, I posed the question about this non-responsive woman I know and asked for suggestions. The best advice I received was this:
someone said to me when I first arrived in the Philippines… do not be in a hurry to find a girl… there are so many here searching for a man like you… you do not have to be lonely too long… relax.. you will be like a kid in a candy store… but if you are looking for a true loving relationship…take the slow road….
So yeah, that’s what I’m going to do. If my “last” is worthy, she’ll find me. And later in my internet trolling, I came upon this:
Where no one knows you and you hold life in your hands all alone, you are more master of yourself than at any other time
During this week’s Command Staff meeting, the 8th Army Chaplain shared this tidbit that resonated with me:
If you are depressed, you are living in the past.
If you are anxious, you are living in the future.
To be content, you must live in the present.
Simple to be sure, but true. I’ve been working hard at letting go of the past but I’ve found myself increasingly anxious about the future starting my new life alone in the Philippines. I assumed I’d have the woman I secretly loved by my side. Now I need to find my way ahead without her. I can do that I know, but I’m only going to be able to get there one day at a time. I listen to this song whenever I need to be reminded:
Anyway, I’m sorry to ruin your Valentine’s Day with my sorry rambling. But there’s one last piece of bad news:
Fucker was trying to shoot an arrow at me. I swear!
It’s not all gloom and doom all the time here at LTG. There are some good moments too.
This came in the mail from my sweet granddaughter Sydney. She really loves me. Or pizza. One of those….
Had a wonderful lunch with the staff at the Hwa Hwa restaurant in Anjeong-ri. My work family is a constant source of joy in my life.
The food was excellent too!
And today I tackled a new mountain–Younginsan, about 20 minutes drive from the house….
Nice trails…
…and much like my old friend Namsan, a stairway to the summit.
Made it to the peak without much trouble. Air not as clear as last weekend, but the view was still awesome…
Rafael, a friend from work, was my tour guide once again…
I wonder what this looks like in summertime?
This looks like a pretty cool cabin to camp out in…if I could only find a date.
Anyway, this is the best hiking I’ve done since I left Seoul. Really enjoyable and there are many more trails on this mountain to explore. I have my new Saturday routine now!
Exactly 90 days left in my working life. A brand new beautiful life is on the horizon. I’m looking forward to that.
Well, we are on the cusp of another government shutdown. Which complicates my working life in so many ways. Like forcing me to, you know, actually work.
So, the last two days have been filled with meetings and planning sessions. Oh, and if the Congress critters don’t pass a funding bill I’ll be starring in a Facebook Town Hall sponsored by the 8th Army Public Affairs Office. Had a hoot at the rehearsal yesterday.
Nothing to be done now but wait and see if the clowns in DC can get their shit together and do the right thing. I’m hoping for the best and prepared for the worst.
May 11th. That’s the day I’ve chosen as my last day.
