It only hurts me when I cry

Posted on 20/December/2016 by John McCrarey

Let it be forgotten, as a flower is forgotten,
Forgotten as a fire that once was singing gold,
Let it be forgotten forever and ever,
Time is a kind friend, he will make us old.

If anyone asks, say it was forgotten
Long and long ago,
As a flower, as a fire, as a hushed footfall
In a long-forgotten snow.

–Sara Teasdale

Today marks the sad one year anniversary of the date my wife sent me packing. I’m mostly over it by now, although I do still frequently think of her. I remember when she loved me and wanted to share in my life, although truthfully those days ended a long time before my ultimate departure. I also remember the promises and vows we made to each other that she coldly broke, walking away because she decided she didn’t “have a happy life with me”.

It has been said that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And I guess it only hurts until the pain goes away. In one sense this breakup did kill me because I am certainly not the person I was anymore. I’m bitter and cynical and have no faith or trust in the whole concept of “love”. Fuck love, who needs it? I’m no longer in pain because my heart has become a heaping mass of scar tissue. These days I’m satisfied with being comfortably numb.

But don’t mistake my epiphany about the meaninglessness of love as an indication that I’ve abandoned the pursuit of happiness. To the contrary, I’m actually quite optimistic that I will achieve a satisfactory level of joy and contentment on my own terms and in my own way. I know what I want and what I need to be happy, and I expect I will find it in due course.

This is one of my favorite photos of me and Jee Yeun. It was a private moment, not posed, and captured by a friend. As I recall we had spent the weekend in Songtan and we were returning home from my victory in a darts tourney. She was by my side all the way, proud of me, and we loved each other. Or so I like to believe.
That’s what I miss, and that is what I hope to find again sometime. Minus the pretense of love. Just someone who will stay by my side, share in my life, and take care of me. I’ll give the same in return. It can and will happen. Someday, somewhere.

So, looking back over my journey this past year I can say I’ve had some adventures, some happy times, and yes, my share of sad days. But nothing worthwhile comes easy and I believe I’ve learned and grown and gained some wisdom that will serve me well in the future. Here’s a quick recap.

I moved into my overpriced but comfortable villa on this day in 2015. And then I proceeded to get drunk every fucking night for two plus months. I guess I was exploring the Leaving Las Vegas option, but really it was more about shutting down my brain so I could sleep at night. I still did my share of shouting at the ceiling though.

Instead of drinking myself into an early grave I wisely chose a more sensible course of action–diet and exercise. The diet was the low carb lifestyle, the exercise was in the form of walking. The former gave me a healthier body, the latter worked wonders on my tortured brain. Together, they resulted in a loss of over 60 pounds. I look better and feel better about myself. That was huge in overcoming my depression.

I did my share of travelling these past 12 months as well. Cambodia, Thailand, and three trips to the Philippines. In fact, I will be returning to the PI to ring in the new year in Puerto Galera, my first time in that locale. My current thinking is that I’ll begin and end 2017 somewhere in the Philippines. Of course, since when have my plans ever gone as planned? That’s why I will remain in my living one day at a time mode, until such time as I run out of days. Heh, that’s the plan at least.

I had two women profess their love for me this year (not at the same time of course!). Both ended in hurt and sadness and re-enforced my belief that love is a sucker’s bet. I feel bad for whatever part I played in bringing pain into those lives, but I will also cherish the memories and good times we shared.

I achieved my goal of becoming debt free.

I presided over the dismantling of my American life. I sold my house and everything in it. In some ways it felt like a funeral for a life I was forced to leave behind. But there is also a sense of freedom now in not being tied down to stuff and the old dreams that that stuff represented. I’m now unencumbered emotionally and materially. That’s a good feeling. Well, for the most part anyway.

I got promoted to the job I retired from six years ago. It’s an even bigger pain in the ass now than it was then, but I couldn’t say no to the money. I’d invested everything I had in a future with Jee Yeun that was not to be. And now I’m in full recovery mode, including financially.

And so as this year ends I’ve come full circle in my life. At some point next year I will re-retire and once again pursue the dream I abandoned six years ago when I chose Jee Yeun over the Philippines. Of course, I’m also six years older and there is no recovering from that.

Life goes on, and so do I. I’ve got a few more adventures in store yet I reckon. Stay tuned!

The only time I feel the pain
Is in the sunshine or the rain
And I don’t feel no hurt at all
Unless you count when teardrops fall
I tell the truth ‘cept when I lie
It only hurts me when I cry

Giving thanks

Posted on 25/November/2016 by John McCrarey

I like Thanksgiving. The food of course. But also the whole concept of stepping back and recognizing that blessings abound and most of us can truthfully find something in our lives worthy of giving thanks.

My life has certainly not turned out the way I envisioned. Last year I celebrated the holiday surrounded by my kids and grandchildren and with my wife comfortably by my side. This year I face an uncertain future, but one that appears more and more likely to feature a solitary existence. And yes, that is my choice. Oddly enough, I feel optimistic that I will discover a way to find happiness as I leave the past behind and explore new adventures and opportunities. I’m thankful for that.

I shared this Thanksgiving with my nephew, a co-worker, and some of my “bar family” from Shenanigans.

We enjoyed turkey…

…and the traditional sides: corn, mashed potatoes and gravy, dressing, green been casserole, candied yams, fruit salad, and dinner rolls…

Pecan pie and a pumpkin pie for dessert… Oh, and beer and wine of course.

Put it all together and it looked something like this…

Put us all together and we looked something like this. (excepting Choonae who took the photo).

Asia was well represented at our feast, left to right we have Sonya (Mongolia), Qian (China), and Choonae (Korea).

Speaking of Choonae, she was thankful for having published her travel guide to Cuba. I made sure each of my guest had a copy of their very own. Signed by the author of course!

Speaking of Choonae, she was thankful for having published her travel guide to Cuba. I made sure each of my guests had a copy of their very own. Signed by the author of course!

It was a good day with good food and good friends. I’m thankful for that!

One thing I am not thankful for is this damn cough which continues to bedevil me in the wee hours of the morning. This afternoon I returned to Soonchunhwang hospital’s International Clinic to see if they could fix what’s broken. I didn’t have an appointment. The hilarious Dr. Yoo was gone for the day, Dr. Joe was not working, but the lovely Dr. Kim, Sun Hee was available to ~~feed my fantasies~~ assist me. Prettiest doctor I ever did see, and the first time I’ve been treated by a doc in a short skirt. Yeah, I’m pathetic I know. Regardless, she agreed with me that three weeks was too long to be coughing. She took my temperature (no fever) and listened to my lungs. Then she said “let’s get a chest x-ray”. I bit my tongue and as it turns out, I was the only one getting my chest examined. We reviewed the results together however. She had pulled up an earlier x-ray and compared it with today’s. She said the expanded areas of white on the screen were indicative of infection. She told me she’d prescribe some medication and if I wasn’t better in a week, I should come see her again. Talk about conflicting motivations!

I didn't say no to these drugs. Hope the work this time!

I didn’t say no to these drugs. Hope they work this time!

I’m still in a low energy mode as well, which is reflected in my pathetic step counts. My nephew beat me for the first time ever last week and I’m not happy about that. I’m hoping to get back into the program soon. Maybe even tomorrow. We’ll see.

Thanks for the memories

Posted on 06/November/2016 by John McCrarey

It was a hell of a week.

Lots of work stuff that keeps my life more intense than I like. But it’s what I signed up for, so why complain? Much.

Woke up Saturday morning to a coughing fit. Hocked up all kinds of juicy junk from deep in my innards. Not a pretty sight.

Later that morning Eun Oke packed up her stuff and left me. Again. To her credit, she sent me a message suggesting a “break up date”. Well, that was a first. Which at my age I don’t get the opportunity to say very often. Eun Oke decided to end the relationship for reasons I think are legitimate. So no hard feelings on my part. And then she suggested we have a last fling to memorialize the event. Obviously I had nothing better to do. And it was a nice way to finish what had been for the most part a good experience. I’ll miss her.

For those who are curious, her reasoning is that our future plans are incompatible (i.e. me retiring and leaving Korea) and we are both too selfish to compromise. True. She also mentioned the age difference (I’m 18 years her senior). She told me “it’s fine now, but when I’m 52 you’ll be 70!”. And yes, I’m definitely way to selfish to die early to preclude that event.

Anyway, it’s fine and I’m fine. I had intentionally held myself back as a matter of self-preservation. And the sad fact is I am not sure I’ll ever be able to go “all in” in a relationship again. I think Eun Oke sensed that which I’m sure was a contributing factor in her decision to flee now. I think it was the right call. We’ve agreed to remain friends and I’m happy about that.

So far in 2016 I’ve had two women profess their love for me and I have no reason to question the sincerity of those professions. Still, I have become bitter and cynical to the point that I just don’t really believe in love anymore. And that’s really a big deal, tantamount to losing my religion.

This week Facebook provided a sad reminder of why the “I love you” words leave me cold. They have a feature called “Your memories on Facebook” that pops up in your newsfeed on a daily basis. I can’t seem to stop myself from taking that journey to the past. And that’s where I encountered this nugget from three years ago:

Thank you so much to my lovely husband! He take care of me so good and feed me good…he help me a lot! Even one my arms pain a lot but he make me pain less and inside my heart is full of love and feel warm..I am so lucky and happy woman because of John McCrarey! My life is much better because of you! Thank you and I love you so much!

Things change, obviously. I’ve moved on pretty much but I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. Part of my problem is I have no understanding as to what the fuck happened. How do you go from the sentiment expressed above to “I don’t have happy life with you” in less than two years? I believed in Jee Yeun and never imagined she would abandon the life we made together. And I know now that if her love wasn’t real and lasting, no love truly can be.

It’s all just words.

Stuff about things…

Posted on 30/October/2016 by John McCrarey

…I did this weekend.

Kicked off Saturday morning with my customary Namsan excurision.

I’m running out of new angles from which to photograph Seoul Tower…

It was however a fine autumn morning. Hardly broke a sweat…

And the city was looking fine in the clear morning air…

And then it became Saturday night. And this Saturday was the day of the annual Halloween celebration. And by celebrate I mean drunken debauchery. I had swore to never get caught up in that madness again after last year’s fiasco. But the GF had other ideas.

Just go ahead and shoot me now please.

I hadn’t dressed up for Halloween since the 1980s…

But I decided to just kick back and enjoy myself…

Fellow revelers…

Anyway, the night did not turn out as bad as I expected it would. So that’s a win.

This morning I was up bright and early. What to cook?

Considered bositang but went the a pot roast in the crockpot instead…

Then it was off for a jaunt along the Han riverside.

On the way down I encountered a large group of folks marching down the highway. This is just the trailing remnant, there were at least a couple hundred of marchers. Marching for what purpose I cannot say…

And then I came across this 1950 Chevrolet in cherry condition. How it got here I have no idea. I made a mental note that while in was being manufactured in Detroit war was raging on the peninsula. But this morning all was peaceful.

Made it to the river and had to pee. I was touched that the graffiti writer on the restroom wall had taken the time to helpful translate his wit into English. The meaning however remains lost on me.

Nonetheless it was a beautiful walk, both heading out…

And returning. Went as far as Seoul Forest Park. Good for 22,000+ steps all told…

In other news, I’ve reached a political decision which I will share here without further comment. Surprised?

In the end it was really a no-brainer…

Speaking of the election, I was really surprised to see this group of war veterans overwhelmingly supports Hillary. The race will not be as close as predicted if this is any indication.

Got stood up for my dart match this afternoon which pissed me off.

And a big and busy week on tap, including guests from my higher headquarters in Hawaii, a trip down to Humphreys, and various meetings of dubious value.

And that’s all I’ve got for you. As commenter Sojuhoncho is wont to say:

Peace Out!

Regarding Thailand

Posted on 29/October/2016 by John McCrarey

Looking back on my first sojourn to Thailand I thought I’d share my impressions.

I found the Thai people to be friendly and pleasant overall. They generally carry themselves with an air of dignity and pride. For example, even the beggars were gracious and never harassing. The would sit demurely on the sidewalk with a cup in front of them, never asking but always thanking you for whatever pittance you provided. Similarly, the street touts and vendors would show you their wares, and if you declined their offering they would simply walk away. That was a nice change from being continuously hassled as in the norm in the Philippines. I make it the first point here because dealing with third world poverty and desperation really wears me down. And while I of course felt sympathy for the unfortunates, I appreciated the fact that it was not constantly in my face. I mean, you do what you can, but you can’t help everyone. When I ask to not be bothered I appreciate those wishes being respected. That was almost always the case in Thailand.

I found Thai women to be quite attractive and they carry themselves with a certain grace that is quite appealing. Regular readers know that there is something about the style and manner of Korean women that really trips my triggers, but I’ll say that Thai women come in at a close second on my (mental) listing of the relative beauty of Asian women.

I rather enjoyed Bangkok and its vibrant streets. I mostly walked everywhere I went and never felt uncomfortable in doing so. There is of course a well-established night life catering to whatever your particular tastes might be. As I’ve written before, I’m not into the whole “go-go” bar scene with nearly naked (or in some cases totally naked) gals shuffling around on a stage. Not criticizing those who enjoy that kind of thing, but it leaves me cold. Luckily, the streets are also full of beer bar type establishments which I much prefer. I find it quite entertaining to sit at an outside table and just watch the world go by. Yeah, pathetic as it may be.

My impression of Bangkok was that it is relatively clean and modern. To be sure, it’s not up to Seoul standards but it is also nothing like that disgrace of a city called Manila. Infrastructure was mostly good and I found it pretty easy to get around.

Wide streets, modern buildings…

Would I consider living there? Probably not. I’d return for a visit but it just didn’t feel like a place I could call home. Can’t put my finger on why exactly, just so big and alien I’d feel disconnected and estranged somehow. Granted, I was only there six days so maybe I’d get more comfortable in time. I did meet a couple of expats and enjoyed their company so that was good.

What can I say about Pattaya? It’s a huge tourist destination. Reminded me a little of Myrtle Beach in South Carolina, except with prostitute bars. There were some nice scenic areas along the waterfront and many high-rise condominiums. Lots of expats around, so I guess I could fit in. But here’s the thing, sitting in the beer bars watching the people pass by made me consider whether I’d ever really want to fit in with that crowd. Not being critical, but I’m honestly not a whore monger. And that seems to be the main attraction for guys in my demographic.

Oh my!

What I found especially shocking was the number of old farts I’d see trolling the streets. Now, I’m no spring chicken obviously, but these guys looked like refugees from a nursing home. Old as dirt, shuffling along with canes and walkers. I’m like “I don’t want to wind up that!” On the other hand, I assume they’ve found what makes them happy in life, something I’ve not managed to accomplish as yet.

I could certainly do worse than Pattaya…

Anyway, while I could make do in Pattaya I suppose, I’m hoping to do better than making do when I re-retire next year.

There are two more places I want to see in Thailand before I make any final decisions—Phuket and Chaing Mai. Heard good things about both, and from what I’ve heard Chaing Mai might be more my speed.

One big issue for me with Thailand is the language barrier. Yes, I could learn some of the language, just like I’ve done in Korea. But ordering up beer and asking for the restroom is a long way from having a meaningful and satisfying conversation with the locals I’d live amongst. And I think my inability to speak Korean with my Korean wife was a large factor in the failure of that marriage. I definitely do not want to make that mistake again!

In a future post I will do a little comparison of the places that are on my short list of potential retirement destinations.

Stay tuned!

Lost in Pattaya

Posted on 11/October/2016 by John McCrarey

Literally.

Hired a driver through my new friend Tia (who owns the New Cowboy dart bar) to transport me from Bangkok to Pattaya, about a 2 hour drive. The driver spoke no English and arrived 30 minutes late, but no biggie. We got to Pattaya with no problem, but then he couldn’t find my hotel. Well, I’d written the address down in English, but apparently he didn’t read English so much. Anyway, he actually stopped and asked for directions 5 or 6 times, but we eventually found our way to the Mareez Lodge.

Worst fucking hotel I can recall ever staying at. I’d compare it to a Motel 6, but that’s probably not fair. To Motel 6. Actually, the room is better than the service, so there’s that. I chose this lodging because of it’s central location and based on the recommendation of Lunian, a nice Romanian guy I met at my hotel restaurant in Bangkok. I guess our taste in lodging differs. Anyway, for 20 bucks a night I can suck it up. It’s not like I’m spending a lot of time in the room anyway.

Anyway, after checking in I figured I’d take a hike and reconnoiter the area. I was walking pretty much randomly but came upon the infamous Walking Street.

Of course by day it’s almost serene. I’ll check it out in all its decadent glory tonight…

A typical Walking Street venue.

Well, I guess that settles it.

So, I headed back to the hotel via Beach Road but then I totally lost my bearings. Nothing looked familiar and given that all the street signs were written in a language that looks like scribbling to me, my English language hotel map on the back of a business card was useless. In desperation (but not panic) I approached a motorcycle taxi driver and asked him if he knew where my hotel was. Although he spoke no English he seemed to indicate in the affirmative and offered a ride for 40 baht. I guess the last time I rode on the back of a motor scooter was in Phnom Penh. I was drunk then but it was still a scary ride. Totally sober like yesterdayfelt like I was living life on the edge. Without a helmet to boot. Well, we rode around for awhile and still nothing looked familiar. And then he stopped and asked for directions. Then took me to a place called the Marin, and I tried my best to explain that no, this is not where I’m going. When he stopped for directions again I finally just gave up in frustration, paid him and started walking again. I found a neighborhood I’d seen before, but still had no clue as to where my hotel might be. So I asked another moto-taxi guy who consulted with another driver and he told me to walk 50 meters and turn right. And sure enough, there it was! I did manage 17,000 steps on my adventure.

So I stuck close by my lodging last night. Fortunately(?) there are multitudes of bars to choose from within a 3 block radius. I chose several. Dined on street food, although I didn’t go Thai–an egg burger and a chicken kabob. Both were good, at least as far as my drunken palate was concerned. There’s a massage place next to my hotel, so I popped in there on my way home. As I perused the menu I was told they were offering a “two for one” special. I asked, ‘what’s that?” and was advised four hands for the price of two. I’m never one to refuse a bargain! But truthfully, those extra hands were a bit distracting. I’ll stick with one set in the future.

Got up this morning and took my dirty clothes to a laundry service. Because it is hot and I sweat a lot, I normally have to change twice a day. Rather than carry a big ass suitcase I generally just take advantage of getting them washed and folded for less than I hand out in tips to bargirls. Then I went out in search of breakfast. I took careful note this time of where I was and identified specific landmarks along the way to ensure I’d find my way back without incident. And at Jolly’s hotel and restaurant I ordered up a ham, cheese, and mushroom omelette.

Biggest damn omelette I ever did see! And the coffee was excellent too.

After consuming about 2/3s of that monster I commenced to walking. Found my way back to Beach Road, which led me to Walking Street. Then I walked down a long ass pier. Here’s some of what I saw along the way:

The Queen of Thailand…

The ocean.

A beach to the left of me…

And one on the right…

A view from the pier…

And another…

You can see the sea…

Made my way back and although I didn’t leave any bread crumbs along the road, I feel confident now that I can manage to get home tonight without being lost. Even when I’m drunk, and odds are good I will be.

After a nice long walk it is important to re=hydrate. And so I did.

I’ve gotten to like the little beer bar across the street from my hotel. Friendly staff, although we mostly communicate with smiles.

Kevin asks in the comments to my previous post if I’m going to be doing anything more interesting than drinking beer, such as riding an elephant. Probably not. When I travel alone I don’t usually go for the touristy stuff. Mostly because it underscores the fact that I’m, well, traveling alone. I’m content to just go walking about and taking in whatever I come across. Although I do prefer to avoid getting lost. And the drinking helps me forget about being alone. And as long as you are buying lady drinks you can pretend that you are not.

Stay tuned for a report on Walking Street at night. God help me!

Steppin’ out in Bangkok

Posted on 09/October/2016 by John McCrarey

22,000 steps yesterday checking out the lay of the land. First impressions: Bangkok is no Seoul but it sure as hell ain’t Manila either (Manila being by far the worst place I ever did see). Bangkok is a big-ass city but for the most part it appears that things work as intended. Yeah, the traffic sucks but that is true in almost every major metropolis. The infrastructure is decent, the streets are relatively clean, I feel generally safer here than I do in the Philippines, and while there is evidence of some poverty it is not as up close and in your face as it is in the PI. There are beggars about but not nearly as numerous as I’m accustomed to seeing in my third world travels and they are certainly far less aggressive than I’ve seen elsewhere.

Part of the purpose of this trip was to ascertain if Thailand might be in play as a future retirement destination. Thus far I can say that although I enjoy city life, I don’t see Bangkok feeling like home. It’s no secret that I like to frequent the bar districts, but the types of bars that are in abundance here just don’t do it for me. With a couple of exceptions the expat community doesn’t seem all that warm and welcoming. And it was no surprise to discover that the language barrier here is huge. What little English the locals I’ve met speak is barely understandable. That’s just not the way I want to live in my adopted “hometown”.

Let’s go to the photos.

Wide streets, modern buildings…

The public transit is above ground…

The drive on the "wrong" side which can be disconcerting and dangerous when you are drunk...

They drive on the “wrong” side which can be disconcerting and dangerous when you are drunk…

Korean culture is ever present it seems…

There’s even a “Korea Town”.

One more street scene…

During my walkabout yesterday while waiting to cross the street I was vaping away. A young expat warned me to be careful about vaping in public because it is illegal and the police might harass me about it. Thailand actually is a police state, well, controlled by the military anyway. There were cops stationed on just about every corner. Most of them puffing away on cigarettes. On what basis they would outlaw the relatively safer and less offensive vaping habit I cannot say. It did make me a little more discreet and uncomfortable, but not enough to make me not vape while I walk. Hey, it’s what I do. Still, one more check mark in the negative column for Thailand.

Yesterday evening I went out to meet Johnny Witkowski at a dart bar called “The New Cowboy”. While waiting for him to arrive I played a quick game with one of the bar girls. She actually played pretty well, but not well enough to win. The only other customer in the bar wanted to give me a go. A guy from England here to play in a big dart tourney today. I took him in cricket, and he returned the favor in 501. So we played a rubber match during which I managed to eek a win. He’s a more skilled player than I am, but sometimes skill doesn’t win out. I quit while I was ahead.

Had a nice visit with Johnny. He’s on old Seoul guy and played in the dart league back in the 90’s, long before my time. He gave me some tips on finding my way around, and had the bar owner make arrangements for transportation to Pattaya tomorrow. A good guy who made me feel very welcome in a strange city. Thanks for that!

It was raining when I left for the dart bar, so I hired a Tuk Tuk to take me there. I wound up getting took took. Charged me 200 baht and left me several blocks from my destination. I’m such a tourist sometimes. Lost one of my vaping sticks in the process to boot. I did manage to find my way to the bar, pretty much by accident.

Of course, when you visit a new country it is important to sample the local cuisine. Me? I had the lemon pepper wings at Hooters. Sue me.

The scene of the crime. I dropped WAY to much me in there last night. The morning after a drunken night feels the same wherever you are in the world.

The scene of the crime. I dropped WAY to much money in there last night. The morning after a drunken night feels the same wherever you are in the world.

This afternoon I had a couple of beers in a street side bar called Stumble Inn. Then I had a massage that really sucked. And not in the good way. Came out with three mosquito bites on my leg. The massage itself was good though.

Had lunch at the resto next to my hotel. I had fun watching the girls at the bar across the street getting ready for the work day. This poor gal apparently had a late night and was trying to catch some Zzzz before the customers arrived.

Tonight I’m heading to another entertainment district, Soi Cowboy. Going to try and be a bit more frugal this time. Tomorrow at noon I’ll check out and head down to Pattaya. I don’t think it’s going to be my cup of tea, but I figure I’ll see it once in this lifetime anyway. I’ll return to Bangkok on Thursday. Playing in a darts tourney on Friday. Then hooking up with a friend who’s flying in Saturday. Then I’m outta here in the wee hours of Sunday morning.

More to come!

Third time’s the charm…

Posted on 03/October/2016 by John McCrarey

…or three strikes and you’re out? Time will tell.

Sorry for the lack of posting here at LTG. Sometimes life intrudes, but I’m doing fine for the most part. Here’s a little of what’s been going on in my world:

Work has been more intense than I’ve been accustomed to, but that was not unexpected. It does sap a goodly amount of my excess energy, which may in part explain the unscheduled blogging hiatus (or I could just be lazy). A couple of months into my new/old job I can see that we are making progress towards the objectives and initiatives I hope to accomplish. The big deal of course is all the civilian issues surrounding the upcoming move to Pyeongtaek.

Here I am serving on the “panel of subject matter experts” at a recent Town Hall…

And me on the bus to take a tour of the new facilities at Camp Humphreys in Pyeongtaek.

and that’s me unwinding after a stressful day at the office.

Me with my “What the Bulls?” dart mates. So far we’ve managed to remain undefeated. So, it’s not all about work….

This coming Friday I’m off to Thailand for the first time. Looking forward to looking around and getting a feel for the place. Rather than plan out the entire trip, I booked a room for the weekend in Bangkok and then I’ll just play it by ear.

The good news is I might actually have something worthwhile to blog about. Hey, stranger things have happened!

Stay tuned.

Spare your heart…

Posted on 21/September/2016 by John McCrarey

…everything put together, sooner or later falls apart

Sorry for the lack of posting recently, lots going on but I’ve not felt up to write about it. Until now anyway.

The holiday weekend was good up until it wasn’t. Thursday night I had Chuseok dinner with the nephew and a co-worker friend. Eun Oke joined us later and we had a good time drinking. Then hit the norebang. My singing has not improved.

On Friday Eun Oke joined me for a pleasant walk on the Han riverside. I prepared a meal of pulled pork and cole slaw for her. Then we hit the bars.

On Friday Eun Oke joined me for a hike along the Han riverside.

Saturday afternoon we joined a couple of friends for a cookout featuring ribs, potato salad, bacon wrapped asparagus (a first for me and it was delicious) and a veggie salad. I contributed a banana pudding for dessert.

Saturday afternoon we attended a barbecue at Mat and Sohee’s place. Good food and good times.

Saturday night it was back to the bars where I bid farewell to some new old friends.

Said farewell to Dale and his wife Gwen. Dale is a Sergeant Major who has completed his Korea tour and is returning to the states. The occasion dictated that we do shots. Which required reciprocation. So you can see how that went.

Dale honored me with his coin. The front…

…and the back. Thanks again, Dale.

Eun Oke left Sunday morning to care for her dogs. She called me later and said she didn’t have to work and that she missed me. So I invited her on over. We met at Shenanigans and did some drinking. Work night though so we came home early. I fixed her some brats for dinner.

And then at two in the morning Eun Oke wakes me up and says she is leaving. I’m like “what this all about?” It seems she has decided that our future dreams are incompatible so she sees no point in continuing the relationship.

I was gobsmacked. Although she had done this exact same thing once before, but we managed to talk our way through it and I assumed the issue was resolved. Apparently not.

The first thing she did when she left (and I mean before she was out of the driveway) was block me on Facebook. Apparently she’s the type that once she decides it is over, it is over. And I have to admit her actions hurt me deeply. I got pretty sucked in and I foolishly thought she had similar feelings.

And so it goes.

Back to the solitary life of which I had previously grown accustomed. Luckily, my heart is primarily scar tissue so the bleeding shouldn’t last too long. I’ve arranged for some therapy in the form of 11 days in Thailand. I’ll leave on the 7^th of October.

You can’t live in the future. You take each day as it comes and it will lead you to whatever the future turns out to be. I couldn’t make Eun Oke understand that. And it’s a shame really. She was a lot of fun and I enjoyed her company. I imagine I’ll be missing her but will remain grateful for the temporary reprieve from loneliness she gifted me.

And that’s all I’ve got.

Go tell it on the mountain

Posted on 10/September/2016 by John McCrarey

Added a new feature to today’s Namsan hike.

Eun Oke consented to join me on this mornings walk. I asked her how long she thought she could walk. She figured maybe an hour…

Ten minutes in and she needed to rest after the climb to the Grand Hyatt…

But her presence gave me a new perspective on the walking experience. For example, I found the views much more pleasant…

Another short break on the climb up…

And another rest a while later. She was a real trooper though…

I was surprised it was her first time on Namsan since she was a child…

She made it two hours today. Not a bad start. Proud of her effort.

Now I’ve got some spare ribs cooking for lunchee. A good day so far!

Sand to the beach (finale)

Posted on 08/September/2016 by John McCrarey

Back home from the Philippines. A mostly good trip. I’ll let the photos do the talking…

The breakfast view each morning…

I was forced to cheat on my diet when I spotted a Monte Cristo sandwich on the menu. Haven’t seen one of those in over 20 years!

A typical lunch. T-bone for Eun Oke, smoked pork for me… Everything was well prepared, service was friendly and efficient…

And it was hard to beat the specials!

The night life was a lot of fun too. Eun Oke made friends everywhere she went. She was very kind and generous with the bar girls. I was impressed and I guess they were too…

Two of her favorites were Wennie and Cherry. It was Wennie’s 27th birthday so we bought her a cake. She cried when she saw it…

It was a happy birthday for a hard working working girl…

Eun Oke got into the spirit of things by joining the girls on stage for a dance…

Eun Oke also gave Cherry and Wennie the dresses they are wearing in this photo. She loved making the girls smile…

A new night, a new city (Angeles) and new friends…

And when “Gangnam Style” was played Eun Oke did what any self-respecting Korean would do…she got up and danced….

…on stage!

It was fun while it lasted.

Sand to the beach (part 3)

Posted on 05/September/2016 by John McCrarey

Day 2 of our long weekend in the Philippines.

The pool side bar at Orchid Inn.

Eun Oke slept in so I enjoyed a pleasant breakfast poolside at the Orchid Inn. This is where I stayed on my cherry trip to the PI ten years ago, so it was nice to sit with my old memories.

And the pool. Lots of fun memories here…

I had arranged a 2:00 p.m. checkout so once Eun Oke roused from her slumber I walked her over to Norma’s to exchange some dollars for pesos. Then we sat street side at Kokomo’s where the girlfriend ate lasagna and I drank beer. Also arranged for a car to take us to Subic through Kokomo’s. Poor bastard got a ticket on the way though. Either speeding or an illegal pass (or both). He was in a foul mood afterwards of course.

The infamous Walking Street in Angeles City is not as scary by day…

Enjoying the food and passersby at Kokomo’s…

We checked into our room at Arizona a little after 3:00 p.m. Nice spacious room (#28 for those in the know) with a fair view of the bay. 10% discount thanks to Gavin and Philippines Addicts (a web forum I’m a member of). After getting settled in and changing clothes we popped downstairs to check out Score Bar.

The view of Subic Bay from our balcony…

The view of Eun Oke all decked out for a Friday night on the town…

Five years since my last visit and the place had been remodeled. Sat down where the bar used to be and ordered us a couple of SML’s. And then the same thing that had happened the previous night occurred again—Eun Oke was surrounded by the curious Score bargirls. She actually seemed to enjoy being treated like a rock star (or in her case, a K-Pop star). And soon enough she had bought her entourage a round of lady drinks. I told her she should save money by handing out autographs instead of drinks! Anyway, I think seeing a Korean female in the bars is unusual and I was surprised at how pervasive Korean “culture” is amongst Filipinas. They were all talking about their favorite Korean drama stars and singers.

Miss Popularity in Score Bar.

Knowing I wasn’t going to permit a second round of drinks I suggested we check out other venues. Walking up the road I saw a nail salon, noticed my overgrown toenails, and popped in for a pedicure. The GF didn’t want the foot work but she was talked into a back massage.

Next up was the SOB (Sons of Baccus, and no, I’m not sure why it’s called that) at Hot Zone. This event features a dance competition from the dancers at various bars. The girls go all out with costumes and choreographed dance routines. Eun Oke seemed to really enjoy the show and we both agreed the pole dancer after the show was incredible. I did pretty well in the raffle drawing as well, at least well enough to make the P1100 (per couple) entry fee a relative bargain.

The joint was jam packed with revelers…

Here’s a video of the pole dancer.

Walked back to the Arizona, and not ready to call it a night just yet dropped in for another visit to Score Bar. Most of Eun Oke’s new friends were still there and invited themselves to join us. I had already impressed upon her the need to end the practice of buying mass LDs, advising that she pick one or two girls to drink and engage with. Of course, when there are 10 or 12 gals surrounding your table with puppy dog eyes thirsting for a drink it’s tough to pick two and disappoint the rest. I came up with the bright idea of giving Eun Oke her first ever body shot experience. She didn’t freak out at all. So, I bought her another round from two girls this time. Eun Oke got into the spirit of things and insisted I join in with body shots of my own. It was fun while it lasted, but I decided we’d best bail before things got completely out of hand (and pocket). It was the right call, because the tab exhausted the last of my pocket money. More in the room safe, but I try to not spend more than I bring out for the night (5-6,000 pesos).

And let’s just say the night’s festivities put the GF in a happy mood. So day 2 ended sweetly.

Sand to the beach (part 2)

Posted on 03/September/2016 by John McCrarey

After dropping off our bags I took Eun Oke for a quick tour of Walking Street in Angeles City. It was late of course, but she was still amazed. I gave her a quick lesson in how to ignore the touts and street vendors. And then it was time for me to introduce her to her first girly bar. I chose Voodoo because it was small and maybe not too overwhelming. Not surprisingly, the lineup of girls at that late hour was not impressive, they were all overweight and lacking in the pretty qualities. Our waitress was very friendly and engaged Eun Oke is some conversation. When the waitress left for our next round of drinks Eun Oke commented that she was surprised how friendly people are in the PI. And then without prompting from me, she offered a drink to the waitress. She accepted, and then gave us each a free drink! That was a nice touch.

We then moved down the street to a larger venue, Dollhouse. I was shocked at just how obese these gals on stage were. Eun Oke commented that fat and t-backs are not a good combination. There was a group of Korean men upstairs making it rain (throwing money on the stage) which of course set the dancers off in a mad money grabbing scramble. Eun Oke was not impressed and shared my view that it seemed demeaning to the girls. I did point out that they were working for a living, and money is money no matter how it is earned. Still, my preference is to reward with generous lady drinks one-on-one. To each his own I suppose.

We decided to walk on up the road and popped into Angel Witch. We sat down at a table near the stage and I noticed we were the only customers at this late hour. About the time our drinks arrived there was a rotation of dancers. And to my surprise the girls coming off the stage immediately surrounded our table. That’s never happened to me before!

I guess it still hasn’t, because I wasn’t the attraction. Apparently they had never seen a Korean woman in the bar before and they treated Eun Oke like a movie star. They besieged her with questions, rubbed her arms and shoulders, and made her feel special indeed. I think she loved the attention because again, unprompted by me, she ordered a lady drink for all ten of them! Yeah, waste of money perhaps but they were all having a good time and you really can’t put a price tag on that kind of fun.

The happy dancers at Angel Witch

We then returned to our room, relieved some tension, and fell into a happy sleep. I reckoned the trip to be off to a better than hoped for start, so I was very pleased indeed. Next up—day 2 in Subic. Stay tuned!

Sand to the beach (part 1)

Posted on 02/September/2016 by John McCrarey

I’d written in an earlier post about my plan to bring my new Korean girlfriend along for my weekend jaunt to the Philippines. In the monger parlance I’m bringing sand to the beach. The potential for disaster with this plan is evident, but the chance that this woman might just enjoy this aspect of my life made it worth the gamble. Here’s how it is going so far.

Prepared for any contingency. Monetarily at least…

The first stage of the journey obviously was getting here. Eun Oke was supposed to meet me at my house at 1700 which would give us plenty of time to make the airport for our 2100 flight. I walked home from work so she could park her car in my garage (parking on the street in Seoul can be a bitch). She calls at 5 and says “what time do I need to be there?”. I told her now and asked her where she was. “Home” (an hour away). I told that’s not going to work, so she said I’ll take a cab to Incheon airport and we’ll meet there. I was a little frustrated about this turn of events but nothing to be done but make my way to Seoul station and catch the airport railroad on my own.

Eun Oke arrived about 30 minutes before I did and to her credit she had worked her way through half of the longish check-in queue when I joined her. And she was looking smokin’ hot in her cut-off jean shorts, so all was forgiven.

Who could stay mad at that?

Our Asiana flight departed 15 minutes late and arrived at Clark a little after midnight. We were seated at the back of a full flight, so of course we were at the end of the line for immigration. It was here that the Eun Oke made an astute observation: out of the hundred or so folks in line (primarily Koreans) she counted only four other women. “What’s up with that?” she asked. “Probably here for the golf” I lied.

If getting there is half the fun I expect we will have a blast!

After clearing immigration, we made our way to baggage claim. What a fiasco! My bag came out early and hers came out last. Apparently they only have one trailer to haul the bags from the plane to the terminal. Or so it seemed. Bags would come out in spurts, then stop for awhile, then start again. During the hiatus, I could hear the tractor starting up to fetch another round of luggage. I took this opportunity to remind Eun Oke that in the PI frustrations like this are best just laughed off. So we did.

As bad as the wait for our bags was, getting through customs was infinitely worse. Now, I’ve done my share of traveling over the years. But in no airport I’ve been in anywhere in the world did customs search every fucking bag! I don’t know if this is something new or if they were looking for something specific based on a tip. When I made it to the front of the line they had me unzip my bag, gave it a cursory glance, and sent me on my way. Didn’t even ask to look at the backpack I was wearing. So it was an entirely pointless exercise. Ah well, grin and bear it, right?

The driver arranged through the Orchid Inn was there waiting. Now this is on me, but I *assumed* he worked for the hotel. Nope. I was preparing to give him a tip when we arrived at the hotel when he told me “that will be 450 pesos”. I’m thinking what the fuck, I could have taken a cab for that price. Eh, I’m committed to maintaining a “who cares” attitude this trip. Paid him the 450 and checked into our just before 2:00 a.m.

Stay tuned for part 2. Eun Oke’s first experience on Walking Street in beautiful downtown Angeles City.

That suits me just fine

Posted on 31/August/2016 by John McCrarey

Here I am in my birthday suit..

I never expected that I’d ever be buying a new suit. But a new job and new requirements conspired to make such a purchase inevitable. I’ve learned the hard way not to talk about work here on this humble blog, but I guess it is safe to say I attended a meeting with the U.S. ambassador, to Korea, Mark Lippert, today.

You may recall that Mr. Lippert was attacked by a razor blade wielding assailant last year. As fate would have it, one of the attendees at today’s meeting was also present on the day Mr. Lippert was slashed. According to this gentlemen, he was the third person to restrain the attacker. By his account it was his foot that was placed on the throat of the slasher. You can see a video recreation at the link above if you so desire.

Anyway, no violence at today’s meeting thankfully. Mr. Lippert was *ahem* very diplomatic during the meeting and there were really no surprises, which is the best possible outcome in affairs of this nature. So I left pleased.

Rode over to the embassy with a 2-star general in one of those fancy cars, so that was a treat I suppose. One thing I learned is that I need to get me some business cards made. It seems so 20th century but it was awkward during the introductions when I didn’t have a card to share. Aw well, I’ve had worse occasions of a faux pas I suppose. Next time I’ll be better prepared.

Here’s a random shot from my birthday that I rather like:

My Commie friend Choonae (right front) treated me, my drinking buddy Hae Young (left front) and my yoja chingu to a birthday. Yes, I'm lucky. Get over it.

My Commie friend Choonae (right front) treated me, my drinking buddy Hae Young (left front) and my yoja chingu to a birthday shot. Yes, I’m lucky. Get over it.

Tomorrow I fly to the Philippines. I guess I should say we, because I’m bringing “sand to the beach”. What the hell. Might as well find out if Eun Oke can handle the lifestyle.

Anyway, it’s all good. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway.

The journey continues

Posted on 28/August/2016 by John McCrarey

Today I commenced my 62nd annual journey around the sun. Wish me luck!

Last year’s journey drew to a close with a surprise breakfast birthday party by my sneaky co-workers…

As tradition dictates, I successfully blew out all the candles on my cake.

I decreed that politeness dictated that I break my diet in the spirit of the occasion. There was no way I was saying no to pecan pie!

Had to go on base to be fitted for a new suit I'm having made (I guess that makes it a birthday suit!). Eun Oke joined me on base and I took her to see my office. I must admit she looks better in the Director's chair than I do...

Had to go on base Saturday to be fitted for a new suit I’m having made (I guess that makes it a birthday suit!). Eun Oke joined me on that errand and I took her to see my office. I must admit she looks better in the Director’s chair than I do…

Eun Oke bought this nice shirt for my birthday…

And I gifted myself with becoming debt free.

For the birthday meal I made samgyetang for the first time.

Slow cooked for 8 hours.

Eun Oke said it tasted better than her mother’s. I hope that means it was good.

Saturday night we went out to celebrate the B-day at Shenanigans. I had good intentions to keep the alcohol intake at moderate levels. But word got out about it being “my day” and all and people kept buying us shots.

…and things got a little bit blurry after that…

We finished the night at Grand Ole Opry where Eun Oke added this money message to the collection. I asked her if I wasn’t perfect and she said no, but you are “good enough”. Thanks. I think.

All in all it was a special day.

Having company on the weekend has made it hard to get my walking in. Barely managed 15,000 steps both days. I’m going to have to buy Eun Oke some walking shoes soon…

Sexy-one!

Posted on 27/August/2016 by John McCrarey

Random songs appropriate for this last Saturday in August.

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
But you are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it’s sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you’re older
And shorter of breath and one day closer to death

The longer I live the more I believe
You do have to give if you wanna receive.
There’s a time to listen, a time to talk.
And you might have to crawl even after you walk.
Had sure things blow up in my face,
Seen the longshot win the race.
Been knocked down by the slammin’ door.
Picked myself up and came back for more.

Life’s a dance, you learn as you go.
Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow.
Don’t worry ’bout what you don’t know,
life’s a dance, you learn as you go.

Yes, my guard stood hard when abstract threats
Too noble to neglect
Deceived me into thinking
I had something to protect
Good and bad, I define these terms
Quite clear, no doubt, somehow
Ah, but I was so much older then
I’m younger than that now.

White line fever, a sickness born
Down deep within my soul
White line fever, the years keep flyin’ by
Like the highline poles

The wrinkles in my forehead
Show the miles I’ve put behind me
They continue to remind how fast I’m growin’ old
Guess I’ll die with this fever in my soul

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kU0WcW2k2tc

Every time I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by like dusk to dawn
Isn’t that the way?
Everybody’s got their dues in life to pay

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Wzic15m7YQ

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

I ain’t as good as I once was
I got a few years on me now
But there was a time back in my prime

When I could really lay it down
And if you need some love tonight
Then I might have just enough
I ain’t as good as I once was
But I’m as good once as I ever was

Free falling

Posted on 20/August/2016 by John McCrarey

What counts as a good night for me.

I invited Eun Oke to my place for dinner. It was great to finally have someone to cook for…

The ingredients. Chocolate, shrimp, ribeye steak, baby back ribs, baked potato, mixed vegetables, banana pudding, and of course ice cold beer.,

Eun Oke seemed pleased with the effort.

Afterwards I suggested an old-fashioned pub crawl–one drink in each bar until we could go no further…

First stop–Scrooge Pub.

Bar number 2–Dolce Vita.

Then on to my bar home Shenanigans.

Our fourth stop was Dillingers…

The we moved on down the highway to Route 66.

By the time we got to our sixth bar, Sin Bin, things were getting a little blurry…

We finished up at our 7th venue, Debut Bar. At least one of us was still on their feet…

I’ve got to hand it to Eun Oke, she’s a real trooper. I insisted we walk back to my place which in hindsight might not have been my best idea of the night. But we made it. Poor girl is still passed out on the bed. And no, I won’t share the picture I took of that!

To top it all off, Fitbit even awarded me a new badge!

Life has its ups and downs to be sure, but I’m still in the game!

I wanna glide down over Mulholland
I wanna write her name in the sky
I’m gonna free fall out into nothin’
Gonna leave this world for awhile

And I’m free, free fallin’
Yeah I’m free, free fallin’

It’s deja vu all over again

Posted on 09/August/2016 by John McCrarey

Yesterday was my first day back in my new/old job.

My desk, just the way I left it over 6 years ago. Well, neater now but give me a little time…

The view from the desk. As Army offices go, I’d say mine is worthy…

And here I am hardly working.

In other news, the kids report a successful yard sale (defined as over $900 in purchases) which pretty much completes the sell-off of my broken dreams. Whatever didn’t sell is going to charity.

And I got an offer on the house which I’m accepting. Still losing my ass but not to the extent I expected. I’d rather go for a quick sale than to pursue recouping more of my investment in a future that never came.

And that’s the way it is.

Take it to the limit (part deux)

Posted on 02/August/2016 by John McCrarey

If Namsan were the world and I was a Spanish explorer my name might just be Magellan. I circumnavigated that bitch of a mountain on Saturday. And that required some creative walking since I had to find ways to work around the tunnels. Nothing like a little adventure in life!

Bring it on Lapu Lapu!

You’ll note I finally had the good sense to buy a headband. Looks dorky but it keeps the sweat out of my eyes. I’m convinced it was the sweat that caused the stye.

One of my tunnel detours put me smack dab in the middle of the Dongguk University campus…

…where I unexpectedly encountered a herd of Republicans…

Came home after 3 hot hours and had a spare rib lunch.

Saturday night I met up with Sam, an old pal visiting from the UK. Had a nice chat about Brexit (he was against it, and I of course favored it) then threw some darts. Sam was still on British time so he made it an early evening. I must have stopped by Debut bar on the way home. I don’t actually remember getting home. I woke up on the floor. And later found a receipt in my pocket from Debut for W135,000, I hope I had a good time!

Fixed this fine breakfast Sunday morning and set out on my river walk…

I was bound and determined to go further west than I ever had before. It was not a good plan for an extraordinarily hot day. It took me two hours to reach my destination bridge which I feared might wind up being a bridge too far. I was getting lightheaded and although I didn’t hallucinate like Kevin Kim, I did imagine myself having a heat stroke. I seriously considered taking a taxi home, but then decided fuck that, I’ll just plop down at a convenience store and drink copious amounts of water. And so I did.

The view from the bridge over the river Han. At least the last bridge over the Han that I made it to…

I was trying to capture that huge ass Taegukgi flapping in the wind. My stunted skill with a camera (and lack of patience) doomed me to settle for this…

Anyway, four hours and four bottles of water later I was safely home enjoying the pulled pork bbq out of the crock pot. I went out later and brought my step count to just over 30,000 for the day…

Monday night was dart league, and me and my What the Bulls? teammates took home a 20-7 victory over our sister team from Shenanigans…

Today was a busy but satisfying day. For one thing I purchased an airline ticket for a planned Labor Day adventure outside the friendly confines of Korea. More on that another day. Had a refreshing walk into work, a sweaty lunchtime walk, and then I got the bright idea to stroll home via the Han river.

It started out pleasant enough…

And then almost out of nowhere the sky opened up and dumped some of the hardest rainfall I’ve encountered in quite a while. Not to mention lots of thunder and lightning. Seeing as how I was on the river sans umbrella, there was nothing to be done but walk on through it. For an hour and a half.

I took this photo under the bridge that adorns my masthead. And yes, my spirits were somewhat dampened.

Still, not bad for a weekday…

And finally (the words all my readers doubtlessly look forward to seeing), I got some news today. It seems I’ve arrived back to where I ended.

Yes, I’ve been promoted to the job I retired from over 5 years ago.

Well, I don’t blog about work these days so I’ll just say I expect it to be challenging, necessary, and well-compensated. The plan is for me to lead us through the transformation and relocation to Pyeongteak. I’ve promised to stay on through the move and several months after, then I will re-retire. And then what? Stay tuned.

I celebrated my good(?) fortune with a rib-eye steak and green beans.

And now it’s time for the periodic legal disclaimer:

All thoughts, opinions, and commentary expressed on this blog are mine and mine alone. My views are not sanctioned (or necessarily condoned) by my employer. I blog on my own time, from my own computer, strictly in my personal capacity. I do not speak for the government I serve (and lately they don’t speak for me!) Thank you for your support.

You can spend all your time making money
You can spend all your love making time
If it all fell to pieces tomorrow
Would you still be mine?

And when you’re looking for your freedom
(Nobody seems to care)
And you can’t find the door
(Can’t find it anywhere)
When there’s nothing to believe in
Still you’re coming back, you’re running back
You’re coming back for more

So put me on a highway
And show me a sign
And take it to the limit one more time

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fyY-TxGEwE

Long Time Gone

Category Archives: The story of my life