Another weekend draws to a close. Here’s the recap:
Scaled this peak…
Enjoyed this view…
Froze my ass off. Pro tip: Be sure the weather has changed for good before taking ALL your winter clothes to the thrift store.
Drowned my sorrows.
That just about covers it. 33 days to go.
Walking home from work today and the wind was really gusting. I was thinking to myself “Jesus, wouldn’t it be the shits if I got killed by a falling limb while walking for my health?”
And not five minutes later I came across this scene. Timing is everything I guess and maybe my timing is starting to improve!
In other news, my soon to be vacant position has been announced on USAJobs. Want to apply? Go here.
There is much I’m going to miss about my working life, including moments like this:
One year ago I was meeting with the union and the American Ambassador to Korea. I may not be outstanding, but I was standing out with my left handed fist salute…
Anyway, it’s time to let go. Five more weeks.
…and then my rein in Korea will be finished, except for the flood of memories. I’ll fill an ark with my hopes and dreams for the future and drift away.
Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.
Easter and April Fools all rolled into one. And now I can begin saying “I’ll be moving next month”.
Well, I’m not a religious man but this made me smile…
Saw this guy on my walk today. And remembered a Sunday School lesson: And He said to them, “Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.” Grandma would be so proud of me!
Enjoying the warm weather walks has put a little Spring in my step…
….as I await my new future to blossom.
Another good Saturday on Younginsan with friends Daniel and Rafael…
Yum! Fresh bulgogi!
Got reminded of how much I enjoy the writing of Richard Bach this weekend as well…
In fact, it might be time to read Illusions again. It’s one of those books that speaks to you from a new perspective depending on your state of mind. I’ve gained wisdom during past times of transition.
Ah well, everything is good. Looking forward to changing my life. Next month.
April, come she will
When streams are ripe and swelled with rain
May, she will stay
Resting in my arms again
June, she’ll change her tune
In restless walks she’ll prowl the night
July, she will fly
And give no warning to her flight
August, die she must
The autumn winds blow chilly and cold
September, I’ll remember
A love once new has now grown old
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pt5vhc5C0c
It’s been a Good Friday so far. Took a 3 hour walk along the river to Pyeongtaek. And saw this:
Ain’t that the shits?
What else? Well, preparations for the big move continue apace. Made my reservation at the Treasure Island Resort on Baloy Beach for my first weekend in-country.
Stayed there once before for a couple of nights, but have enjoyed that bar on numerous occasions.
During the weekend I will scope out some short-term apartelles (I’m figuring 30 days) while I conduct a thorough on-the-ground reconnissance for my permanent digs.
I’ve also started doing some packing. Excited much? More and more as the move date approaches.
Ordered up 15 new vaping pen e-cigs and 15 bottles of juice. That ought to hold me until I make a planned trip back to the states in the fall. I can re-supply from there.
Monday I will visit the on-base legal office and get a Power of Attorney for my daughter to manage the mortgage affairs of our jointly owned property. I will also start the process of getting my Last Will and Testement completed. The only imminent departure I anticipate will be on May 11, but better safe than sorry, right?
Oh, and I sold my bicycle today. Shit’s gettin’ real.
Finally, I pretty much avoid political crap these days as I don’t see it adding any value to my life. Admittedly, one factor in my decision to move to the PI was my complete disgust with the bullshit taking place in my homeland of late. But sometimes you just have to take a stand. And when I saw that NETFLIX had hired the liar of Bengazi and the traitorous leaker of classified data derived from illegal spying on American citizens to its Board of Directors, I knew I had to act. Just canceled my NETFLIX account. Any company that thinks hiring a criminal like Susan Rice is a good move is not a company I will financially support. I used to watch NETFLIX to escape politics. Good bye and good riddance.
Ain’t life grand?
…but there is “me”. So, indulge me while I besiege you with 40 photos from this weekend’s off-site team building excursion to Byeonsan National Park way down south on the West Sea.
I got up early and baked some blueberry muffins to share with the team…
….made some brownies too. Pretty tasty if I do say so myself…
The team gathered to await the arrival of our chariot….
….which was right on time.
On the bus…
…and on the road.
Stopped at a scenic rest area along the way.
These rays have lost their sting no doubt…
The amazing staff members of the U.S. Eighth Army’s Directorate of Human Resources Management.
This quiet little village was the location for our lunchee meal.
It was bibimbap and Korean pizza, not my personal favorites, but I took one for the team.
We also hiked over to the local temple.
As Buddhist temples go, this one wasn’t all that impressive. The sign said it was original built in 633 and reconstructed in the 1500’s. I’ll have to take their word on that.
It was a nice walk getting there though.
A trail not taken. I’d say I saved it for another day, but my time in Korea is almost gone. A certain sadness permeated my weekend as I contemplated the ending of my life here.
Then it was off to the hotel at the Daemyung Resort. It was an impressive facility. I took this photo of the place from the top of a nearby mountain I hiked.
And this was the view from my room early on Saturday morning. I had been disappointed not to have a scored a sea view room, but this was very nice indeed.
After check-in we had individual free time prior to reconvening for dinner. I naturally used mine to hike around the area.
Saw some ocean…
…and some beaches…
….early signs of spring…
….a fishing boat harbor…
….and pledges of undying love written on sea shells. At Namsan the young lovers use padlocks. I doubt either would work for my sorry broken hearted ass…
I hiked from over there to up here. It was quite pleasant actually…
Oh, and I met this girl on the beach. We had some communication difficulty but I got the message she wasn’t interested in dating me. Heart of stone in that one…
We reconvened for the staff dinner at a mom and pop type restaurant in the neighborhood…
And enjoyed the thickest cut of samgyupsal I ever did see. And it turned out to be quite delicious….
Well, we were on a team building excursion. My Deputy and I had decided to forego the traditional team building exercises which we agreed were quite lame and did not translate well culturally. I still felt obligated to talk about the concept of “Team” and what it meant to be part of a successful one. I also reminded them that a team continues to function at a high level, regardless of who may depart that team. I know they will be fine without me and that they will ensure my replacement enjoys the satisfaction and success they have brought my professional life. What an honor it has been to lead them!
Back to the resort for the traditional after dinner beer bonding activity….
….which the team mastered quite well.
Saturday morning we gathered for a team hike up to a famous waterfall I can’t remember the name of and can’t be bothered to look up right now.
Here I demonstrate the concept of leading from behind…
Up, up and away…
It was quite beautiful as you can see…
The upper falls…
and the lower falls…
It was a pretty good hike, taking about an hour. I was glad to be in good enough shape to make it…
…and so did most of the rest of the team. And yes, a couple of my folks brought their kids along so that was a nice addition to the group.
And then it was time to head back to Pyeongtaek. The bus tried to leave without me, but I put a stop to that!
And thereby demostrated to the staff how not to use your head*.
No worries though. In due course I was resurrected which has allowed me to bring you the pleasure of this fine example of blogging. You are welcome!
46 days remaining.
*No one was actually injured in the creation of this post. I’ll do just about anything for a laugh.
Meanwhile in Anjeong-ri…
Hey, they are playing my song!
When the sun goes down
On my side of town
That lonesome feeling
Comes to my door
The whole world turns blue
There’s a rundown bar
Cross the railroad tracks
I’ve got a table for two
Way in the back
Where I sit alone
And think of losing you
I spend most every night
Beneath the light
Of a neon moon
If you lose your one and only
There’s always room here for
the lonely
To watch your broken dreams
Dance in and out of the beams
Of a neon moon
No telling how many tears
I’ve sat here and cried
Or how many lies
That I’ve lied
Telling my poor heart
She’ll come back someday
Oh, but I’ll be alright
As long as there’s light
From a neon moon
If you lose your one and only
There’s always room here for
the lonely
To watch your broken dreams
Dance in and out of the beams
Of a neon moon
“sometimes I think it’s a shame, when I get feeling better when I’m feeling no pain”
The look on my 21 year old face when I went back in time and tried to warn myself of the treachery that lies ahead. Hell, I wouldn’t have believed it either.
Anyway, moving on. The Philippines awaits!
I’m really looking forward to joining in the weekly excursions with the Subic Bay Hash House Harriers.
It’s on-on!
Looking down on my new hometown.
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And of course the sunsets on the bay.
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At least I survived the final winter of my life. Here’s what spring looks like on Camp Humphreys. There’s snowflakes in that photo if you look hard enough.
Tomorrow I’ll be hosting my team for a team building/organization day at the Daemyung Byeonsan Resort on the West Sea. It’s an overnighter and should be a lot of fun. And no, Kevin Kim, I did NOT require mandatory attendance. It’s just natural that EVERYONE (okay, with two exceptions) would want to spend quality time with the soon to be departing boss. I’m looking forward to enjoying myself with some people I truly respect and admire. Another “last time” event in my life. I’ll take lots of photos!
It’s all good and soon to be gooder. A nifty fifty days to go!
Trolling around on the internets this afternoon and kind of randomly came across some thoughts that really resonated with me.
Regular readers will have discerned that I’ve been struggling a little bit with figuring out my way ahead after some rather unfortunate setbacks. But progress continues apace and I’m generally cautiously optimistic about the future. In fact, leaving my life of failure here in Korea is a huge step forward.
My new life in the Philippines is a story waiting to be written. Which is a good thing, because the content here at LTG has been depressingly repetitive, even by my low standards. So many questions waiting to be answered–where will I live? How will I achieve purpose and meaning in my life? Will I find love, or more precisely, will love find me again? Stay tuned, the adventure will be beginning in a mere 56 days.
Anyway, as I mentioned I found some nuggets of wisdom from a guy in Alabama named David McElroy. In one piece, McElroy posits that “you can change your story, but you first must throw away the old ones”. Easier said than done for me, as I’m still trying to figure out if some of the old stories are truly finished. More on that to come. Here’s the part that really spoke to me the most:
“As I listened to the stories of people dealing with their losses, it hit me out of the blue that I shared something in common with these folks. The story I’ve told myself about my life has gone off track and it no longer even makes sense. As a result, I’m suffering depression from the loss of an unrealized life that meant so much to me — a narrative that’s no longer my future.
In a flash, I realized that I don’t have just one story. Over the course of my life, I’ve had at least half a dozen different narratives — and every time something has fallen apart, I’ve gone through a fallow period that felt like death — and then I’ve emerged with a new narrative that let me move on.
I now have no choice but to write a new narrative.
About four years ago, I fell in love — and that love came with a brand new narrative. I saw all the details in my mind. It was so clear and complete. I had a brand new narrative about what my life was going to be. And then the story went off the rails. Like a mourning husband whose wife has died, I hung onto that story, though. For all this time, I’ve treaded water — cut off from the story that meant so much to me, but unable to give it up.
It’s time for me to write a new story for myself, but in order to do that, I have to give up on things which have died — things I couldn’t control.
There’s no brilliant insight in deciding that one must move on in life after a crushing loss, but until the mind is ready for it, there’s no sense in someone saying, “You need to move on.” But something in me is ready — at least for the most part — to start fresh. Even if that means giving up on the fantasy of being loved and needed by someone who meant the world to me.
I don’t know exactly what my new narrative needs to be. I don’t know what my new identity is. I know that bits and pieces of past narratives will be woven into the new story, but it will be an entirely different narrative, at least when taken as a whole.
It’s painful to give up a life I desperately wanted and needed — especially with nothing yet to take its place — but I’m coming to see that I have to give up on something I can’t control. I have to find a new narrative about where I’m going and what I’m going to do — and, hopefully, who will be coming along for the adventure with me.
It’s time for a narrative that will let me start over. One more time.”
So yeah, that’s what the Philippines represents to me, my new narrative. Getting out of this purgatory that is my life here in Anjeong-ri will be a blessing, regardless of whether I find heaven or hell in Olongapo. I’m moving forward, that’s what matters most.
“Choosing a life of safety is safely choosing something other than life.”
― Craig D. Lounsbrough
That’s another quote I randomly found today. And wait! There’s more:
“That’s the nice thing about being human. We only have one life, but we can choose what kind of story it’s going to be.”
― Rick Riordan, The Hidden Oracle
Or how about this:
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Hope springs eternal and all that. Perhaps what has been lost will one day be found again.
Even though I’m a “double digit midget” things at Eighth Army Headquarters continue apace.
I led my team in providing some much needed training to our senior leaders in civilian personnel issues. For many in the officer cadre, working with civilians with the various rules and regulations associated with that workforce is a mystery that can be frustrating. Hopefully we managed to ease their minds some.
Today I also attended the Command Staff briefing to our 3-Star Commanding General. I did take note of the fact that on all the calendar slides the dates after mid-May lost all significance to me. I guess maybe I do have some symptoms of short timer-itis after all.
Oh, and I was asked to provide a copy of my bio…hmm. I’ve got a hunch what that is for, but I’ll let it be a surprise. For your reading enjoyment:
JOHN M. McCRAREY
Director, Human Resource Management
HQ 8th U.S. Army, Pyeongtaek, Republic of Korea
Mr. McCrarey began his career in federal service with the United States Postal Service in 1976 at Anaheim, California as a Letter Carrier. In his twenty-four years with the Postal Service he held positions of increasing responsibility in Prescott, Arizona; Fort Smith, Arkansas; Columbia, South Carolina; and Arlington, Virginia. His key assignments included Safety Manager, Labor Relations Specialist, Director, Human Resources, and Manager, Labor Relations. In 2001, Mr. McCrarey accepted a labor relations position with the United States Department of Education in Washington, DC. He joined the Army team in Korea in January 2005 as Chief, Labor and Performance Management and assumed responsibilities as Deputy Director in December 2007 and Director in June 2009. Mr. McCrarey retired from government service on 31 December 2010 but agreed to return to duty in the Directorate of Human Resources Management in June 2015, and accepted promotion to his former position as Director in September 2016.
Mr. McCrarey earned a Bachelor of Science in Human Resource Management from Southern Wesleyan University and did graduate studies at Marymount University in Arlington, Virginia.. He is a graduate of the USPS Advanced Leadership Program and the Excellence in Government Fellows Program. Mr. McCrarey is certified as a Senior Professional in Human Resources Management (SPHR).
You know, it occurs to me that my job is the best part of my life these days. Paradoxically, that is also the most compelling reason to retire again and find a meaningful life outside of work. We’ll see soon enough. In 58 days.
On this morning’s walk into the office I noticed these words of wisdom:
I’ll take that as a sign.
And on my afternoon walk I discovered more evidence that things here in Pyeongtaek are just a little bit off:
Every tenth Sunday?
All that walking has it’s rewards… 5,000 miles with the FitBit, apparently the equivalent of walking Africa end-to-end.
On the Facebook front, I got this reminder of something I posted 8 years ago today:
As I’ve been looking back at some old photographs I find myself wondering if I really enjoyed those moments as much as I should have way back then. You know, it is very easy as we live each day to focus on what’s ahead or behind us or whatever trouble we have on our mind. But really, there is so much to appreciate right in front of our nose and sometimes we miss that.
It seems I was a lot smarter then than I am now, don’t you think?
And it was only four years ago that I made the news:
“Man with wildly erratic darts endangers hotel guests” is how I recall the headline.
True enough. EspeciallyBut only if they stay by your side through thick and thin.
I’m wide open to whatever comes next in life. Open heart and open mind. Bring it on!
This one is going to cost me.
Enjoying a little after lunch celery at work on Monday and it seemed crunchier than normal. Upon closer examination I discovered one of my incisors had partially disintegrated.
So it was off to the dentist today. Started with an overdue cleaning, then an examination and an x-ray. Doc says the recommended course of action is a root canal, insertion of a post, then top it off with a crown. All-in about $1500. Alternatively I could go with an implant for $1700. Or just pull the fucker and be done with it. Well, I’m not sacrificing my sexy smile just yet, so root canal it is. On Thursday. At least I have experienced no pain from the broken tooth, so there’s that.
In other news, I found a place to secure and ship some balikbayan boxes (shipping service to the Philippines). A hundred bucks for the standard size box to Manila regardless of weight. I’m figuring I’ll get two and whatever don’t fit gets sold.
I also learned that the Philippines embassy will be of no help (assuming I ever catch them open for business) in processing an SRRV retirement visa. Going to need to do that with boots on the ground apparently. Ah well, no big deal.
Lots more on my to-do list. 65 days to get it all done.
I got a call from Dr. Lee today which was pretty surprising. I wasn’t even going to try for an appointment until next week reasoning that the lab results wouldn’t be immediately available. Anyway, she told me she had an opening so I should try to schedule it if possible. Now, I’m seen on a space available basis so it was a roll of the dice. Called at noon as required and sure enough I scored the coveted appointment with the lovely Dr. Lee.
I was so happy I even tried to smile instead of my normal grimace. Alas, now my eyes are all weird. I guess I’m just not a selfie kind of guy.
Well anyway, Dr. Lee comes in and tells me she was glad I was able to see her as she didn’t want to give me the CT results over the phone. WTF! I’m thinking oh shit, now what. Then she tells me they found a cyst inside my left kidney. What do I do now, doc? I asked. She said, oh it is very small and really nothing to worry about. WTF! You could have told me that over the phone! Oh well, it is what it is. We talked about the importance of keeping my blood pressure down and set some goals in that regard. I’m monitoring twice a day now and it is generally lower (mid 130s) with my target being low 120s.
I guess I’ll live.
In the realm of politics, I was reminded today by Facebook that I’ve been a strong proponent of gun control since at least the early 1970s. Surprised?
See how balanced and in control I am as I aim and fire my rifle? And my pistol is also firmly holstered and under control. We need more of that in America, don’t you think?
And finally, the other night in one of the sorry bars I frequent I was surprised to see some young Korean women sitting at the bar. Honestly, that almost never happens. Anyway, I was toying with the idea of buying them a round and asked the bartender what they were drinking. She told me they were having a wet pussy. Yeah, I’d seen that on the menu above the bar (along with blow jobs, sex on the beach, etc) but didn’t think it was an actual drink. Not knowing what was in such a drink I asked one of the young ladies if I could have a taste of her wet pussy. Then all hell broke loose.
Okay, true story except the last part. I THOUGHT of asking that question then immediately thought better of it. It might have been funny. Or she might have said yes. But either way it likely would not have ended well for me.
66 days.
Back from my whirlwind trip up to Seoul. I had feared the holiday traffic would be bad but it turned out to be no worse than usual. Got to the hotel at 3:30 so I decided to take a hike. It was cold and windy so I opted out of my plan to climb Namsan. Given that it was still early, I hoofed it over to the Philippines embassy in the Kyungridan neighborhood. I was greeted with a sign saying “closed on Thursday in observance of the Korean Independence Movement holiday. Oh well.
Had to pee, so I visited the Grand Hyatt hotel. Damn, it’s about the nicest hotel I’ve ever been in. Over the years I’ve dined there a couple of times and visited the nightclub (JJ Mahoney’s). So I walked around inside some, soaking up the ambiance and remembering the people I shared time with there. Started to get sad so I left.
Coming down the mountain from the Hyatt I enjoyed the Seoul skyline once again.
I don’t know what it is about memories that were mostly good at the time that cause me to feel more forlorn than normal. I truly do love Seoul and you’d think those feelings would be all the more enhanced since my exile to Pyeongtaek. Eh, it’s all about perception I guess and I chided myself for allowing the past to depress me. To little avail, but at least I know the problem is me.
And I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being watched!
I did make it a point to walk the crowded sidewalks so I could be jostled and irritated by rude fellow pedestrians. I’ve kinda missed that on the empty streets of Anjeong-ri. Suffice to say I wasn’t disappointed and I had to smile inwardly despite those feelings of frustration being stuck behind Koreans with no sense of space or situational awareness. Some things never change!
I had to pee again so I popped on down into Itaewon Station. Damn, it has been a long time since I’ve been in there.
Having achieved the barely acceptable step count of 15,000, I headed on down to Shenanigans. My old friend Rick had moved back to the USA a year ago and was back in town to fetch his wife and dog so they could all live happily ever after in Texas. He had one free night and agreed to spend it with me at our old hangout.
That’s Rick to my left. We also ran into Fidel and Mark and several other buddies from days gone by. Now that is something I definitely miss these days. After a few beers and some pub grub (pulled pork quesadilla and chicken wings) my mood was greatly enhanced.
A good time in a crowded bar surrounded by people I know. Does it get any better than that? When it was time to head back to the hotel I took a detour so I could check out the new Dairy Queen in Itaewon. And by check out I mean order a large caramel sundae. Yeah, I cheated on my diet. I have no self-control when I’m drunk. Sue me!
Up bright and early to walk over to the Army hospital. They had called during my drive down to say I needed to redo the blood test (apparently they had tested the wrong things from the sample I provided last week). So, the blood lab opened at 7:30 and I got there before anyone else…including the employees who strolled in about 8 minutes late.
I’m number 1! For once in my life…
After giving my blood sample to a cute Korean technician, it was off to the radiology department for my CT scan. I had to wait about 45 minutes for the blood work to come back, but a young soldier finally called my name. Mispronounced it so badly I didn’t know it was me until his sergeant came out and fetched me. They were doing a contrast image of my kidneys (I’m not sure why, but I reckon Dr. Lee will explain it all) which meant it was necessary to inject me with dye. The young soldier tried to insert the IV in a vein twice and failed. So the sergeant used me as a training opportunity. It took him two painful pokes, but he got it done. The scan was a breeze after that.
I left the hospital and walked over to the Dragon Hill Lodge and had a cup of coffee with my wife. Let her know I had a firm date for leaving the country forever. More sadness for me, but what is done, is done.
Did some banking business then walked back over to the Philippines embassy. It was still closed with yesterday’s signage still in place. I guess they just decided to make it a long weekend. It was a great opportunity for me to practice my Philippines mantra: “Take a deep breath. Relax. And accept the Filipino way”. I expect I’ll be saying that a lot in the weeks and years to come.
Headed back to the hotel to fetch my car for the drive home, and walked through my old neighborhood in Naksapyeong. Had to pee so I popped into the little park on my old street.
The unbearable lightness of being.
Anyway, an uneventful trip home to Pyeongtaek, which is just the way I like it.
70 days left in this life.
Turn the page…
So, I’m marching forward towards my new destiny. Taking steps to make that happen included booking my one-way ticket to the Philippines on the night of May 11, which also will be my last day on Uncle Sam’s payroll. I’ll be flying business class on Philippine Airlines. I’m hoping that will allow an extra free checked bag, but either way at least I’ll be leaving Korea in comfort. In a mere 71 days!
This afternoon I’ll be steppin’ on up to Seoul. Have an early morning appointment at the Army hospital. Dr. Lee ordered another CT scan, this time to check out “something” near my left kidney. Ain’t that a pisser? Afterwards I’ll drop by the Philippines embassy to see if I can apply for the Special Senior Retirement Visa (SSRV) locally before I depart. I know in the PI the Philippines Retirement Authority has agents that do most of the legwork. We’ll see. But shit is starting to get real, that’s for sure.
Facebook reminded me that 4 years ago I was living a different dream. Fuck you for that Facebook. I’ve given up trying to understand what went wrong.
Does anyone know what “inexplicable” means? I looked it up in the dictionary, but it just said “cannot be explained”. So I still don’t know… (ahem).
This Sunday will be my fifth Hash with the 5H hashers. Could be I’ll earn the honor of being “named”. We’ll see. I’m really looking forward to rejoining my “home” Hash is Subic, with or without a name.
I’ve been “fixed” myself, but I’m still up for finding me some romance when I’m living on the beach.
This is wrong on so many levels…
My brother must have been born to be a trucker…
Anyway, I’d best be getting on the road. Today is a Korean holiday, who knows what that means traffic-wise.
Did I mention I fly in 71 days?
One day, one of these ways…
At a crossroads of sorts. Diligently working at letting go of the past and looking forward with some trepidation to an unknown and uncertain future. This twilight zone of being caught in the middle of lost dreams and hope for the dreams to come at times overwhelms my resolve to live in the moment.
Well, there are many things to be done over the course of the next 75 days and I’m slowly but surely getting them accomplished. Today for example I started the ball rolling on recruiting for my replacement. Hopefully this will afford Eighth Army the opportunity for a smooth and seamless transition in the Human Resources Management Director’s chair.
Honestly speaking, letting go of the job is the hardest part of leaving. I’ve been resisting the entreaties of my staff to stay “just a little bit longer”, but it was tempting. It is not just the insane pay and free mansion palace. I actually enjoy the work and most of all the people I work with. It is a good feeling to be part of something bigger than myself and to be doing meaningful work (at least as meaningful as government work can be) and making a difference. I’m actually very proud of some of the initiatives I’ve helped put in place during this final iteration of my working life.
But I’ll always have this nifty hat to remind me of my glory days…
Going forward, I will need to work hard at staying engaged in the day-to-day chores my Uncle Sam pays me to perform. It was kind of funny last week when I met with my counterparts from the ROK Ministry of Employment and Labor and the Ministry of Foreign Affairs for a Status of Forces Agreement (SOFA) Labor Subcommittee (which I co-chair) gathering. The ROK side had put forth several agenda items and I of course listened respectfully to their issues and concerns. I told them on behalf of USFK that we were certainly receptive to making the changes they were suggesting, contingent on them coming up with the money to fund them. Bottom line, we agreed to continue working together on strategies to strengthen the alliance. Katchi kapshida and all that. In my own mind I’m thinking I succeeded in kicking that can far enough down the road to be in the “not my problem anymore” category.
Thirty years ago I was acting Director of Human Resources in Roanoke, VA for the USPS. I wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then…
Anyway, in my non-working life things are pretty much as they have always been. Little things pop into my head on occasion. Like “should I buy this large size of laundry detergent? Will I be able to use it all before moving day?” You know, meaningless stuff that means I’m getting my mind around the fact that my Korea life is nearing its expiration date.
In the category of “if there is a God, He must be laughing His ass off”, I’ve recently had a couple of women here express an interest in getting to know me. Tempting as that may be, I’ve been resistant to their charms. Given the shortness of my remaining time in this lovely village, what’s the point? It can only end badly for one or both of us. I will not allow myself to be waylaid from my chosen future, despite its uncertainty, like I was 8 years ago. Been there, done that and have the broken heart to prove it.
Speaking of that uncertain future, why shouldn’t the uncertainty be a feature, not a bug? It’s the uncertain nature of things that make for an adventure. As one friend put it, when did you become such a pussy? (well, I am paraphrasing, but that’s the gist of it). It’s true, 8 years ago I was set to go out into the great unknown alone and unaccompanied without fear. Now I am lamenting not having the person I hoped to share that future with to take care of me. Ah well, I’m older and maybe a little less sure of myself these days, but I expect I’ll manage just fine.
Every dawn is one day closer to having boots on the ground. Being freed from this purgatory between the past and the future will make all the difference. Or so I keep telling myself.
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn’t your father, or mother, or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
He’s the fellow to please – never mind all the rest
For he’s with you, clear to the end
And you’ve passed your most difficult, dangerous test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.
–Paul Dale Wimbrow
…is my life. And I’m working on it!
“I’ve gotten so used to being unfulfilled here that sometimes I forget there’s a whole wide world out there where I could be equally depressed and joyless.”
Finally got in to see Dr. Lee at the base medical clinic for a follow-up appointment. I’ve got to give credit to MEDCOM docs, everyone I’ve seen has been outstanding, willing to spend time with you and taking a sincere interest in your health and well-being. Hell, she has called me twice since my appointment on Wednesday with additional information and guidance. Complete opposite of what I’ve experienced with Korean doctors which is five minutes, a prescription, then out the door.
Anyway, the good news is the aneurysm is described by Dr. Lee as small. She suggests an annual ultrasound to make sure it isn’t growing. The lung nodule has not changed since last year, so I was happy to hear that. It was funny though, she left the room for about ten minutes during my visit and came back to tell me she had consulted the cardiologist about the stint in my heart. I told her I don’t have a stint. She insisted my records indicated a stint. I responded, no I reported being STABBED in the heart. Repeatedly. Eh, my sense of humor goes completely over her pretty little Korean head.
Bottom line, I’ve added more prescription drugs to my daily regimen: something to lower cholesterol, something to reduce my heart rate, and aspirin to reduce the chance of a heart attack.
Pills in the morning, pills after dinner, and pills before bed. It sucks to be old, but it still beats the alternative!
I have a bad heart!
Oh, I almost forgot to mention my painkillers:
Ah, but you knew that already, didn’t you?
As long as I keep breathing, there will be hope.
Where are you hiding my love?
Each day without you will never come again.
Even today you missed a sunset on the ocean,
A silver shadow on yellow rocks I saved for you,
A squirrel that ran across the road,
A duck diving for dinner.
My God! There may be nothing left to show you
Save wounds and weariness
And hopes grown dead,
And wilted flowers I picked for you a lifetime ago,
Or feeble steps that cannot run to hold you,
Arms too tired to offer you to a roaring wind,
A face too wrinkled to feel the ocean’s spray.
–James Kavanaugh
Reflections upon nearly completing a long four day weekend:
If I only had 80 days to live I’d want to spend them in Anjeong-ri. Every day here seems like an eternity.
Coincidentally, I have 81 days left in my life. My working life that is.
I’m ready to be reborn in re-retirement.
Hurry sundown!
Well, I achieved the 500 facebook friends milestone. That’s my limit. Any additional adds means someone gets cut. Won’t be a problem though since I’m probably only interacting with 50 or so of these “friends” anyway.
In the realm of “real” friends, I want to give a shout out to Evangeline. She’s someone I’ve “known” online since 2009. When I made the decision to marry Jee Yeun I needed to end our contact. That hurt her I know, but I didn’t have any choice. Once I committed to married life, I had to leave the Philippines and Filipinas behind. A lot of good that did me.
Anyway, after the breakup Eva left a comment on my blog and we reconnected. I had her over for a visit last year and showed her around Korea. It was nice to finally meet her in person, but we were in different places emotionally. I was in denial about my love for Loraine and she was I think hoping to rekindle our previous online romance in the 3D world. Well, that didn’t work out, but to her credit and my good fortune we have developed a very robust and satisfying friendship. I actually consider her my best friend these days. We are open about the things happening in our lives, good and bad. We share words of wisdom, comfort and support with one another. There is a level of trust and honesty between us that has been pretty rare in my life. It’s meant a lot that she has stood by me during my recent heartbreak. Thank you for that, Eva!
Also in the realm of online friendship, I reached out to a fellow member of a PI Forum I’ve communicated with in the past as he hadn’t posted in quite sometime. Turns out he is doing quite well these days. He read about the spectacular failure of my “brand new plan” (hiring someone to be my caregiver/girlfriend) and shared these insights:
Hi John,
I remember your plan about the care-giver. I have not kept up with the PA updates since June of last year. I am reading now your developments since then. quite an emotional trip you’ve had.
We have some similarities in our experiences, you and me. As you know, I struggled for a couple of year to understand what I was going through. This is not easy stuff. PA addicts helps open our eyes and put things in perspective a bit, but it does not solve the problem. The Filipina is on one extreme of the continuum and the BMs here are on the other extreme, but the solution for you and me is in the middle-ground.
You are right in your description of the old foreigners in the bars and in SM, how they look lonely and empty. I see it in the eyes and on their faces every time I am there. Don’t buy their bullshit that they prefer to live this way, just meeting up a girl for p4p twice or three times a week, then live a lonely and empty life the rest of the week. This is all bullshit, they just don’t want to spend the money or they can’t handle a basic relationship. I feel sorry for them too – to drag their asses all the way to the Philippines so that they can live a lonely and purposeless life there? How sad is that?
There are a lot of foreigners who live in the PI who are in very happy relationships with Filipinas. Some have a traditional type relationship and some are swingers and are in open type relationships. If you are willing to spend the money, you can have any type of relationship you want over there. This is what I have learned. The girl will give you anything you want for the money, including affection and loyalty… everything for a price, and yes, that includes devotion and loyalty. Their minds just work different than ours, it is all about survival and the long game. BMs tell you that Filipinas live day by day and don’t think of the future? This is the biggest piece of crap I have heard, it is all about the long game and about the future with Filipinas, all about security in the LONG RUN. You have seen it with your girl and I have seen it with mine.
When I am in the Philippines, I stay in Angeles with my girlfriend. If you recall, she purchased a town home on the hills above Clark, I stay with her over there. We have an open relationship and we are having a lot of fun playing together with all kinds of other people. We are pretty much like Timanglove and his partner. After all that soul searching and deliberation, I have found that this is the only way I am comfortable in a relationship with her. It is not what she prefers, but it is what I prefer. And since I am the one with the resources, this is how it is.
Am I taking a chance that one day I might lose her to a Kev? Yes, but I have learned the hard way that the only way you can have a decent relationship with these Asian beauties is to make your rules clear and be willing to let them go if they cannot meet those rules. So far she is sticking around and she is fully devoted to me.
I will talk to you soon, keep your chin up, what you experienced is normal over there, her choice is about her not about you… long-term security is in their DNA, you cannot separate it from love, the sooner you accept that, the better off you are and the more likely you are to succeed and to enjoy your relationships.
I would love to meet you when I am there so we can chat a length. My girl is only 23 and she is truly a very decent person and very loving and very caring… yet, I know that what keeps us together is money and I accept it now… And until I accepted it, I was not happy, and I could not enjoy myself or optimize the relationship, or my life…
Best,
George
Now, me and George see things a bit differently I think. I’m hoping that someone real will find me in the wilderness of my life and love me for who I am, not for what I have. And I honestly believe that is possible if I’m patient and refuse to settle for something less than that. But I’ll give George his due for accepting his reality for what it is. And choosing to be happy and satisfied with that. Anyway, I do hope to meet him one day and share our joys and sorrows over some cold beers.
Here in the real world I had the pleasure of some company this weekend.
Nephew Justin, and friends Becky and Wan Jun came down from Seoul for the wedding reception….
After a dinner of meatballs and shrimp (hey, it works!) we ventured out to IDK bar for some darts while we waited for the reception to begin at 8 p.m.
Except it didn’t begin at 8:00. The bride and groom arrived at around 10:30. So there I sat, a lonely guy.
The groom, Daniel.
The bride, Dela.
The bride and groom. At their request I offered up a drunken toast in honor of the marriage….those sober enough to remember tell me it was well done. Hope so!
Don’t you think Daniel and my nephew bear an uncanny resemblance?
Breakfast with my guests before their afternoon departure for Seoul.
I did the Hash this afternoon. It was just me and the “Hare” (the guy in charge of making the trail). But we had a pleasant walk together and some good conversation. Then I told him about the new Wolfhound Pub in the ‘ville (he frequented the one in Itaewon). He was pretty excited about the news, so we headed over for some beers. Made for an enjoyable afternoon with a new friend.
Life is good.
I hope the day will be a lighter highway
For friends are found on every road
Can you ever think of any better way
For the lost and weary travelers to go?
Making friends for the world to see
Let the people know you got what you need
With a friend at hand you will see the light
If your friends are there then every thing’s all right
So, some ruminations on spending another Valentine’s Day alone. Yeah, it is going to be one of THOSE kind of posts. Read on at your own peril.
It’s been an interesting week, full of insights and inspirations from seemingly random sources. For example, I had occasion to view this old video of me winning a Korean Darts Federation tournament way back in 2012.
I was astounded to see and be reminded of what a fat old fuck I truly was. At least I was fat and happy back then. Little did I know that the woman I was sharing my life with would desert me three years later for reasons I still don’t fully understand. Maybe it’s as simple as she found my appearance disgusting and couldn’t bear the sight of me. Although truthfully I was fat when she married me. So, who knows?
Anyway, I am skinnier and sadder these days. But perhaps my new healthier lifestyle will afford me a few extra years to figure this whole love thing out once and for all. Hey, it could happen! And it is good to remember that I have been loved in the past which gives me at least some hope for the future.
Karen Rush, my first love joined me for the high school prom way back when.
Now I need to find my last love. I hope it is something like this:
You know, I’m thinking I shouldn’t settle for less than that kind of love. Lord knows, I’ve paid my dues.
“How goes the search?” I imagine you asking. Honestly speaking, it’s not. I’m taking a break from the dating sites, it’s just too depressing sifting through scammers and pretenders looking for someone real.
Well, there’s Gem. You remember her, the woman who joined me for the New Year in Olongapo. For the life of me I cannot understand why she is unable or unwilling to engage in any meaningful conversation. Sure, I get the regular good morning and good night, but nothing of substance in between. I’ve tried to draw her out to no avail. Now, I’m sure some wags would say a woman who doesn’t talk is a feature, not a bug. But for me it is a deal breaker. I desire companionship, and being able to talk together is a big part of that for me.
On one of the forums I belong to, I posed the question about this non-responsive woman I know and asked for suggestions. The best advice I received was this:
someone said to me when I first arrived in the Philippines… do not be in a hurry to find a girl… there are so many here searching for a man like you… you do not have to be lonely too long… relax.. you will be like a kid in a candy store… but if you are looking for a true loving relationship…take the slow road….
So yeah, that’s what I’m going to do. If my “last” is worthy, she’ll find me. And later in my internet trolling, I came upon this:
Where no one knows you and you hold life in your hands all alone, you are more master of yourself than at any other time
During this week’s Command Staff meeting, the 8th Army Chaplain shared this tidbit that resonated with me:
If you are depressed, you are living in the past.
If you are anxious, you are living in the future.
To be content, you must live in the present.
Simple to be sure, but true. I’ve been working hard at letting go of the past but I’ve found myself increasingly anxious about the future starting my new life alone in the Philippines. I assumed I’d have the woman I secretly loved by my side. Now I need to find my way ahead without her. I can do that I know, but I’m only going to be able to get there one day at a time. I listen to this song whenever I need to be reminded:
Anyway, I’m sorry to ruin your Valentine’s Day with my sorry rambling. But there’s one last piece of bad news:
Fucker was trying to shoot an arrow at me. I swear!
It’s not all gloom and doom all the time here at LTG. There are some good moments too.
This came in the mail from my sweet granddaughter Sydney. She really loves me. Or pizza. One of those….
Had a wonderful lunch with the staff at the Hwa Hwa restaurant in Anjeong-ri. My work family is a constant source of joy in my life.
The food was excellent too!
And today I tackled a new mountain–Younginsan, about 20 minutes drive from the house….
Nice trails…
…and much like my old friend Namsan, a stairway to the summit.
Made it to the peak without much trouble. Air not as clear as last weekend, but the view was still awesome…
Rafael, a friend from work, was my tour guide once again…
I wonder what this looks like in summertime?
This looks like a pretty cool cabin to camp out in…if I could only find a date.
Anyway, this is the best hiking I’ve done since I left Seoul. Really enjoyable and there are many more trails on this mountain to explore. I have my new Saturday routine now!
Exactly 90 days left in my working life. A brand new beautiful life is on the horizon. I’m looking forward to that.
So, I come across this article about a guy who got arrested for flipping the bird or giving the finger or whatever you call it:
Fuck you very much.
You can read the story at the link, but basically this guy flipped off a cop and the cop chased him down and arrested him. The ACLU is suing the police department for infringing on the man’s First Amendment right to free expression.
Been there, done that. Except for the suing part. It was July 4, 1973. Me and the girlfriend Gail were heading out to Huntington Beach (Gail was driving her father’s 1965 Ford Mustang, a sweet ride!) for the Independence Day parade. There was a barrier saying “road closed” but folks were driving past it, so we did too. At the bottom of the hill sat Huntington Beach’s finest writing tickets. It was a classic set up and it really pissed me off. After we received our ticket and were driving away, I leaned out the window, gave a two finger salute and shouted “fuck you pigs!”.
We continued on our way to the ocean when the Huntington Beach police helicopter appeared overhead. Then a cop car with lights flashing was behind us, so Gail pulled over. Shortly thereafter another police vehicle pulled up, a cop jumped out and shouted “yeah, that’s him!” I was removed from the Mustang and the interrogation began. I turned over my ID and the officer started asking other questions. When he said “do you have any tattoos?” (don’t know why he asked that) I responded yes, I have a battleship tattooed on my ass, and when I shit it sinks. That’s when they slapped the cuffs on me and hauled me of to the jailhouse where I sat on the concrete floor in a holding cell for a few uncomfortable hours. That was the first and last time I was ever arrested. I was a juvenile so my conviction for “disturbing the peace” was dismissed upon reaching my 18th birthday.
I was such a smart ass punk back then. I’m proud to say I outgrew that phase and became the grumpy old man I am today!
Anyway, one of the Philippines Vloggers I follow is Steve Montelli. He did vlog a few months ago lamenting not being able to find his “purpose” as a retired guy in the PI. He had a new video up today, and here’s how he answered my question on whether he had a purpose now:
Expect less and lower the bar. No, you don’t want to be the guy drinking beer at 10am. Filling the days can be a challenge. You just have to show up and muddle through. This place is not a tropical cure-all. It’s taken me a lot of trips to be happy with the day, but it can be done. The idea of “good enough” weaves through all my days. Expect less.
Yeah. I will try to find a life that satisfices. But I’m also reminded of this quotation:
“One person is missing and your World is a desert” (Alphonse de Lamartine).
I could be fucked.