Oh, another love has come and gone
Oh, and the years keep rushing on
I remember what you told me before you went out on your own:
“Sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone.”
So you can get on with your search, baby, and I can get on with mine
And maybe someday we will find , that it wasn’t really wasted time

Just over two months into my new life here in the Philippines. Been engaged in some introspection about where I am and how I got here. The result of this self-assessment is probably nothing new or particularly interesting (ha! big surprise!), but here goes anyway.

I’ve been asked “are you happy there?”. Well. This is me we are talking about after all. So no, I wouldn’t describe myself as happy. But I can say that I’m happier with this life than I was with the life I left behind in Korea. Those hellish last three years there anyway. I’m adapting to my new environment pretty well I’d say and on balance my life is easy and comfortable here. Maybe that’s enough.

As long time readers may recall, I had originally planned to move here in September 2010. And then I took a detour and chose a life with Jee Yeun over the Philippines. I guess in retrospect you could call that a mistake. But I’m beginning to see it differently. It was a good life for the most part. Living six months in Korea and six months in the USA gave us the best of both worlds. We had a sweet little house in South Carolina, spent time with the kids and grands, and then we’d jet off to enjoy some time back in vibrant Seoul. Things weren’t perfect of course, in real life they rarely are. Looking back on it, my biggest complaint was probably that it could get boring at times. Then again, when you are not working it seems inevitable that some of those hours will be filled with boredom. That old Chinese curse “may you be destined to live in interesting times” just came to mind. So I guess the flip side of that would be that boredom is a blessing. Eh, there are worse things than being bored occasionally.

Everything changed in 2015 when Jee Yeun announced that she didn’t have a happy life with me and wanted a divorce. I still do not understand why she walked away from everything we had built together. And I will probably never completely recover from the emotional devastation her betrayal of our vows brought about. She told me before I left Korea that she regrets her decision. Too little too late and we will both have to live with the consequences of her actions for the remainder of our lives. For better or worse and all that jazz.

So, one of the benefits of living in the Philippines is I do not have to contend with daily reminders of that life. Except when I do.

The God of Love has a whacked sense of humor. This boat is parked at Treasure Island, smack dab in my line of sight from the bar. You can run, but you can’t hide from the past I suppose.

Here’s the big revelation or epiphany or whatever you want to call the fruits of my feeble thinking. I used to look at those years with Jee Yeun as wasted time; a big mistake that cost me several precious years of whatever time is left to me. An unfortunate and unnecessary delay in taking the path that led me to my current destiny. I don’t see it that way now. There were lessons to be learned from that life and hopefully I’ve learned them now. And while I wish I hadn’t lost what I had, I’ve let go of the bitterness (most of it anyway) and perhaps I’ve positioned myself to be ready for the next big thing, whatever it is and whenever it comes along.

It turns out that the Philippines truly was my second choice. I plan to make the best of it.

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared ‘neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye

And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I’d have had to miss the dance

Well, it seems the budding romance with Marissa has run its course. You may be asking yourself “what happened?”. Well, nothing happened. That was the problem in a nutshell.

I’m not sure I can get my head around it enough to actually articulate the why of that. Maybe it’s just as simple as being in different places needs-wise. Marissa is independent, a quality I do admire. I don’t think she minds being alone. I on the other hand crave companionship. I want someone to share my life. But more importantly, I want someone who wants to share my life. I just don’t get a warm fuzzy that is something Marissa cares to provide.

I took her out last night. We ate and watched the SOB dance competition. She seemed to enjoy herself. Afterwards I asked if she’d like to go listen to some live music. She said can we go by Alley Cats for one beer first? I was fine with that. One beer became two or three and I finally said “it’s time to go”. She walked me outside and said goodnight. She apparently preferred to be with her friends and co-workers than with me.

Nothing wrong with that. I’d put it in the category of things that are good to know. Doesn’t take the sting of a bruised ego away though.

Anyway, feeling blue this morning. But this too shall pass.

I spent over 30 years of my federal service as a Human Resources professional, primarily in the area of labor and employee relations. In that capacity, I was the guy who gave advice and guidance on how to deal with wayward employees, including discipline up to and including dismissal. Now, I had the extreme good fortune to never have to discipline anyone who actually worked for me. Until now.

Last night my domestic helper was extremely rude to my guest. Rude to the extent that Marissa was very uncomfortable. She told later that she had planned to spend the night with me, but was unwilling to with the “crazy woman” in the house. That ain’t good obviously. She’s off on weekends and left this morning before I could speak to her. I just don’t get what is going on with her.

The job I’m providing is extremely well compensated by Philippine standards (about twice the going rate) and she performs the actual work up to my expectations. Marissa asked if I was having a relationship with her and of course the answer is absolutely not. Physical or otherwise. But her behavior did somehow reek of jealousy. Anyway, I’m going to have to deal with it and termination is certainly on the table if she cannot provide a reasonable explanation for her behavior and some assurance that it will never be repeated. We shall see.

Here’s some more photos of last night that I lifted from Marissa’s facebook page:

My date likes my dog…that’s a good start!

Grillin’ like a boss…

As I mentioned, the meat was tough. Getting a workout cutting through it. Thanks to the readers who sent me links on tenderizing techniques….

Ah….

Facebook also reminded me of memories from one year ago today. I was here in Barretto on vacation and my daughter Avery and I managed a brief reunion:

It was good to see her again. I’m planning a brief sojourn to the USA in October to enjoy a reunion with all the kids and grands…

Last year my “employee” Loraine was with me. She’s gone now of course and so is Avery’s partner Annie. And the world keeps on turning….

Buddy seems to be doing well. Still a little skittish, but with each day he seems more comfortable in his new surroundings.

He seemed to be enjoying catching the morning breeze today…

I’ve also been trusting him to be alone in the backyard. This seems to be his favorite spot out there. He does his pooping and peeing there as well which pleases me greatly….

And that gets you fully up-to-date on the mundane absurdities of my life in the Philippines.

“It is not in the world of ideas that life is lived. Life is lived for better or worse in life, and to a man in life, his life can be no more absurd than it can be the opposite of absurd, whatever that opposite may be.”
–Archibald MacLeish

It seems I’m on a roll these days. Downhill. As usual.

Had my third date with Marissa yesterday. Lunch, then she joined me at the bar for darts. Finished first in the tourney for the second day in a row. And as is my custom, I gave my share of the pot to my “date”. After darts I asked her to join me at Treasure Island. Over the course of dinner and beers there I tried to ascertain if she was interested in taking our “relationship” to the next level. She wasn’t.

Very disappointing, and frankly I’m surprised at just how much her rejection hurts. Of course, that says a whole lot more about me than her. I’m just too fucking desperate to have someone to share my life here. But I still have my pride and I don’t beg and grovel. If someone is not 100% into me then it is best to just let go and move on. So that’s just what I will do.

A potential dog siting on the beach in Barretto. If it was Buddy he ran away when they tried to catch him. That’s going to be a problem I fear. He’s so skittish that even if found I’m not sure it’s going to be possible to collar him. Well, I’ll walk the beach later and see what there is to see.

And it’s raining again.

Caught in my fears
Blinking back the tears
I can’t say you hurt me when you never let me near
And I never drew one response from you
All the while you fell all over guys you never knew
Cause I’ve done everything I know to try and make you mine
And I think it’s gonna hurt me for a long long time

As mentioned yesterday, I experienced my first date since moving to the Philippines six weeks ago. It went well enough I suppose. Not sure where, if anywhere, it will lead. We parted a little ambiguously, but we both confirmed our interest in getting to know one another better.

More details for those who may be interested: Her name is Marisa. 33 years old, never married, no kids. She stands all of 5 feet tall and weighs a whopping 82 pounds fully dressed*. Yeah, she’s tiny. In fact, her nickname is “mouse”. She appears to have a good sense of humor (i.e. she laughs at my jokes). Like me, she has had a run of bad luck in her relationships. My sense is that we are both being very cautious at this point. Perhaps too much so, but we both agreed there are worse things than being alone.

How did we meet? Well, she “works” at Alley Cats, the dart bar where I spend an inordinate amount of my time. I was surprised to learn that she doesn’t have a salary, she just makes drink commissions. I guess that technically makes here a juicy girl, although I’ve only seen her drink beer (a quality I like in a woman). She never pushes drinks, though. In fact, I had to call her over Saturday night to have a drink with me. Although I had noticed her in the bar, it was the first time we had ever chatted. Her schedule is as she put it “TTS” (Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday). I honestly don’t know how she makes enough to support herself, but apparently she is more popular than I realized. She showed me pictures of her small apartment where she lives alone with her dog. Hails from Manila (Quezon City) originally and returns home to visit once a month or so.

I met her for lunch on the corner near her apartment. We had agreed on 11:30, and when I arrived at 11:20 she was already waiting. I was impressed by her punctuality. She told me she didn’t want to do the “Filipino time” thing on our first date. I suggested Mango’s Beach Resort for lunch and asked if she wanted to to take a trike or walk (it’s several blocks away) and she responded “let’s walk”. I was impressed again.

We ate a simple lunch at a waterfront table and engaged in some light conversation. I asked if she liked to travel and she said yes, then told me the story of an ex who was a pilot for FEDEX. He promised to meet up with her in the places he typically flew (Hong Kong and Singapore) so she got her passport which went unused and is now expired. I asked her if she had a dream for her life. She hesitated and said “Of course. I want a simple life with one man who loves me”. I told her that should not be so hard to achieve. She shrugged and said “I know I have to be patient”. She concurred with my sentiment that finding the right one was important.

As we finished lunch I asked her if she had any plans for the afternoon. She had none and lacking the courage to invite her to spend the day making mad passionate love, I asked if she wanted to join me at the Alley Cats dart tournament and she agreed. I jokingly asked if her drinks would cost me extra and she said no, only customer price when I’m not working. Good deal!

My darts have been shit lately, so I didn’t last long in the tourney. We chatted some and she helped out with serving customers when needed. In between we snuggled a bit on my barstool, which felt nice (it’s been awhile since I’ve touched a female body). By late afternoon I’d had enough to drink and wanted to change my venue. I invited her to walk over to Treasure Island on Baloy Beach with me (yeah, I wanted to show her off) but she declined. I then asked her is she’d like to try the Hash with me on Monday and she responded she needed to do her laundry. And so I left her there and the date ended with no set plan for a second one.

I will ask her out again though and see what happens.

Are we a cute couple or what?

*Marisa came home with me after lunch when I went to pick up my darts. I gave her a tour of the house and she stepped onto my scale in the bedroom. That’s how I know she weighs 82 pounds fully dressed. I also asked her to sit on the bed. Now I can truthfully report that I had Marisa in my bed yesterday. Fully dressed. Alas.

…but I will never Teri. (Ahem).

I guess it may be newsworthy to report that I have hired a personal assistant/domestic helper. Her name is Teri and she is a certified caregiver who hails from Mutinlupa (Manila). In an odd and somewhat unsettling coincidence, that’s the same town where my former employee/heartbreaker resides.

I honestly don’t know a lot about Teri. We’ve been chatting some on Facebook these past few months. I eliminated her as a potential girlfriend early on. I don’t find her physically attractive and at least online she tended to get on my nerves. So, that turned out to work in her favor because I won’t be tempted to fuck her or otherwise engage in any type of relationship. I made that clear when I offered her the job. She seemed somewhat offended when I mentioned it, saying “of course not, I’m a professional!”. Well good, let’s keep it that way.

She arrived Tuesday afternoon and brought a female friend with her. I thought that was a little odd, but then again, she was meeting me for the first time in person. She told me later her parents insisted. Teri is in her mid-40s by the way. Anyway, the house wasn’t ready yet, so I put them both up in a cheap hotel room for the night. Teri’s friend left the next afternoon, and Teri slept on my couch in the apartment that night and we moved into the house the next day. Teri stays in one of the extra upstairs bedrooms.

So far, so good. Teri has been a great help in getting the house in order. Even though English here is the common language, it seems I’ve experienced a great deal of miscommunications. Teri has been an asset in dealing with the workers and even tried her hand at negotiating with Mrs. Ocampo. I warned her that was doomed to failure, but she had the guts to try anyway. So I appreciated her courage at least.

Teri still irritates me occasionally, but seems to take my impatience in stride. Which is a good thing because I’m an impatient SOB. Overall, she has been taking good care of the house and helping out with anything I ask her to do. And that’s what I’m paying her for–to make my life as easy and comfortable as possible.

In other news, I was all excited about preparing my first crockpot meal today. But the f’n crockpot doesn’t work. Brand new, right out of the box. Plugged it into the transformer I bought specifically for that purpose, and nothing. Damn it! I went through all the trouble and expense of shipping it here because I’ve not seen any slow cookers for sale in the Philippines appliance stores. May have to see about ordering one and having it shipped to me.

Oh, and I met a woman yesterday. We are supposed to have a lunch date today. Worse case scenario I’ll have something semi-interesting to blog about tomorrow. Best case, well, let’s wait and see.

I want to live
I want to give
I’ve been a miner for a heart of gold
It’s these expressions
I never give
That keep me searching for a heart of gold

And I’m getting old
Keep me searching for a heart of gold
And I’m getting old

Reflections upon completing three weeks of living in the Philippines.

Well, to begin, I am not depressed. That’s kind of a big deal because on previous visits I’d start feeling overwhelmed with sadness after a week or so. To be sure there is much I’m seeing that is sad, most of which is poverty related, but I’m managing to keep the right attitude so far and I continue to believe and hope that my presence here can make a positive difference, even in a small way. Lord knows I’ve been pumping quite a bit of money into the local economy. I’m sure the San Miguel brewery folks are happy that I’m here!

Of course, not being depressed doesn’t necessarily make you happy either. I’m still a work in progress in that regard. I will say that my attitude and sense of well-being is much improved over my former life in Pyeongtaek. Of course that’s a pretty low bar on the satisfaction scale, but on balance I am content and satisfied with my life here so far. Certainly no regrets about making the move. And once I get settled into my permanent home I’m sure I’ll feel even better about things.

I’ve incorporated a stroll through my future neighborhood into my morning walk routine. That’s gonna be my house someday soon I hope. Although I STILL am not seeing any movement on the promised repairs…

But once the house is ship-shape, I’ll pays my dues and soaks up the views….

Meanwhile, I continue on with the solitary existence to which I’ve become accustomed. I’ve made my share of acquaintances here and I guess I’m another familiar face in the venues I frequent. But of course I crave for more than that. Being alone does have it’s advantages I suppose. Like ample time to think about why I’m alone. And maybe it’s a simple as being out of sync in my definitions of words like “love” and “friendship”. I know what they mean to me, but apparently the people I encounter in life define them in a completely different way. A way that lets them simply walk away without remorse whenever they grow weary of being a friend or lover. It doesn’t work that way for me and I have suffered many disappointments from having believed that those words actual mean to someone else what they mean to me.

And that’s on me of course. If you have unrealistic expectations you are bound to never have them met. It does make me wary moving forward and perhaps that comes across as disinterest to people I’m actually interested in getting to know. Anyway, my smart readers are probably thinking “gee, Captain Obvious, you just know figuring this shit out?” Why yes. Yes I am. I’m a slow learner.

But I’ve got lots of time on my hands. I’m bound to figure it out someday!

Indeed.

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…

–Veronica Shoffstall

Looked at four properties today. All coincidentally 45,000 pesos per month ($900.). I’m leaning towards one, but haven’t made a final decision as yet. Gonna sleep on it.

In other news, I’m monitoring my vital stats and it seems to be a mixed bag since the move. Back in Korea, my blood pressure was usually in the mid 130s. Here in the Philippines, it’s been in the 1-teens. Last night in fact it was an almost scary 109/66. This morning, I was 114/79.

Conversely, my resting heart rate was in the high 60s, here it is in the high 70s. Not sure why that might be.

Also monitoring the weight, it’s been up and down but most recently up. I’ve been lacking some dietary discipline and imbibing more fluids (i.e. beer) because of the hot weather. Things will settle down soon enough I expect.

Going to head out and take one more gander at the house I’m considering. Will give a fuller report on the search efforts tomorrow. Stay tuned!

Winding it down and winding it up. Completed my final drunken weekend in Anjeong-ri, featuring competing in my last IDK dart tourney. Took a fourth, which was disappointing. Understandable though since I haven’t found the motivation to get off my lazy ass and practice. But I’m resolved to re-dedicate myself to the sport after the move. I’ll have some hours to fill once I arrive and that should be a productive use of some of that time.

I’ve been thinking about the big move as the day rapidly approaches. I’ve obviously made many moves in my life, starting with moving out of my parent’s house when I was a lad of 17. But I’ve never made a move quite like this one. When I left California, where I was born and raised, for Arizona, I took along my wife and children and transferred with my letter carrier job. A few years later I was both divorced and heartbroken when I moved alone to Oklahoma. In some ways, that move most resembles this one. I sold everything I owned that didn’t fit in my car and started over. But, I was also going to be rejoining with my kids and mother and I still had a job, so in that way it differs.

I eventually remarried and took a big promotion in South Carolina. Later on, a new job and a new wife in Virginia. The big change in my life was moving to Korea in January 2005. Big culture shock both in learning about an Asian country and adapting to my new employer, the U.S. Army. I wound up loving both! So much so that I didn’t want to return to the USA, which eventually cost me yet another wife.

And then the day came (December 31, 2010) when I first decided to retire. I had been planning to live in the Philippines, but Jee Yeun changed my mind about that. Instead we made a plan to live 6 months in the states and 6 months in Korea. That worked for me. Until it didn’t work for her anymore. Not going to open that old wound now, suffice to say I came back to Korea and came back to work. Having completed the circle it is once again time to retire and this time I’ll follow through on the plan to live in the PI, for better or worse.

Is it a little scary? To be honest, yes. At least in the sense that I’m going to be exploring uncharted territory on my own. My many previous moves have not been anything like the one I’m preparing to make now. The biggest differences are that I will be alone and unemployed. A job gives you a built-in social network and a sense of purpose and belonging. I know I’ll make friends (already have one in Manila) and I’ll get settled into my routines. In time I’m sure it will feel like home. It’s just a bit disconcerting dealing with all the unknowns. Well, that’s what makes it an adventure I suppose.

Let the adventure begin! In a mere 5 days.

Well, I guess you could say I’m feeling a little week today.

That’s right, in a mere seven days I’ll be boarding a plane and flying off to find a new, and hopefully better, life in the Philippines. Despite numerous visits there as a tourist I’m not sure what to expect as a full-time resident. The adventure I suppose will be in finding out what happens next.

I’ve pretty much come to terms with the idea of going it alone, at least to start. I’m resolved to not actively look for a girlfriend/companion. If “the one” for me is out there, she’ll find me. I’m just going to let nature take its course. It seems more practical anyway to allow things to occur in the natural fashion, like being introduced by mutual friends or maybe encountering each other at an event of common interest (the Hash, darts, etc.). Yeah, I’m a lonely guy and that makes me vulnerable. I need to toughen my ass (and heart) up and accept things as they are, rather than settle for something that may (or may not) be better than nothing.

I’ve not been real busy at work (shuddup!) which has given me time to peruse expat blogs and webpages about adapting to life in the Philippines. Picking up some good tips here and there which may help me avoid learning by making mistakes. One thing is clear, how well you adjust and how happy you are in the Philippines really comes down to your own attitude. I’m not known for my patience and I know going in I’m going to have to lower my expectations about certain aspects of life in the PI, and accept that things will not always go as I hope and desire them to be. For the expats that acknowledge the realities of life in a third world country and who recognize that the overall good aspects of life outweigh the bad, happiness awaits. For those who bitch, moan and complain about inconveniences and disappointments, well the best course is to get the fuck out and go home. I will endeavor mightily to be amongst the former.

One blog I read particularly resonated with me. In a post called “Finding your own path”, Reekay (a six year resident) wrote:

Which brings me to the point of ‘finding your own path’. I have said so many times to so many people, “The Philippines has been fantastic for me… but it’s not for everyone.” I stand by that. For me, the Philippines awakens all my senses afresh. My mind is alive and in full gear all over again, just like when I was a kid. Something new is around every corner. Food is different. People are different. The very air is different. Is it altogether ‘better’ than my life in the USA? In some ways, yes and in some ways, absolutely not. Going from a 1st-world country into a country that boasts not only some of the most beautiful and accessible topical landscapes, but also no shortage of poverty and distress is a change that not everyone can handle in stride.

I’ve mentioned before that this is one reason those of us Expats who run into each other on the streets or online in the Philippines have a common sense of respect for each other. It takes a certain type of adventurous spirit to not only endure the new environs and distance from ‘home’… but to thrive and truly enjoy a whole other culture to the fullest. That commonality of spirit gives us a certain bond of friendship that has nothing in common with those expats who arrive and simply complain of their plight here. We distance ourselves from those who made the move, but never accepted the culture of the new surroundings. We are adventurous and revel in our new surroundings. ‘They’ arrived only to live in frustration at their own displeasure of inconvenience. Our only statement to them is, “If you don’t like it, leave.”

What I have spent many hours in front of a bonfire in the province alone pondering is my resolve to be content in pursuing my own path. I truly wish I could have found the ‘one path’ that would make others as happy as I am with my own life. But there is no ‘one’ path. I see poverty in the USA and I see it in the Philippines. Despite a few dollars here and there to random people in need I encounter, I have no solution. I can’t sit down for a moment and say to one of the beggars, “Just do ‘this’ and ‘this’ and all will be well, my friend.” I have no such solution. I see sorrowful marriages or relationships and over the years I’ve tried to offer the best counsel I could to avert or stop the pain involved. Some people listen, some don’t. Each person has to determine for themselves the path they will take. I offer to point out a fork in the road; this way leads to more of the same misery.. this other way leads to a freedom from the situation. That is the best I can do. It is the new mantra that I hear myself saying now that I have been in-country for 16 months and it is this; “Everyone must find their own path.”

I suppose this is the tight-rope that must be navigated in a poor country when you are the ‘rich’ foreigner transplanted for the duration. Figuring out when, where and to whom some level of compassion or assistance is to be given to others. In a land where there is much desperation, there is much abuse of kind-hearted foreigners trying to navigate those waters. Countless are the expat stories of being lied to and defrauded of money by those who take the deceitful shortcut to survival. I do what I can to give warnings and how to avoid such situations, but again I’m reminded that each one must find their own path. Some must learn the hard way that trust cannot be given so quickly. Discernment as to when and to whom to give compassion or assistance is not something that can be bottled and dispersed like a tonic. Despite whatever good advice anyone may come across.. time and experience is what it boils down to.

I am happy with the path I’ve chosen. I wish I could do more for others but, the reality is I can only do so much. And maybe that’s okay. Few men ever change the whole world in a positive way. Perhaps making positive change to the few within our circle of influence is all we can really expect of ourselves.

That last paragraph is what I aspire to do…making my little corner of the world just a little bit better because of my presence there.

So, in my readings lots of writers point out how inexpensive it is to hire someone to make your life simple and worry free, touting that as one of the big benefits of living in the Philippines. Yeah, yeah, I know. I’ve been there and done that. But, as many have pointed out, what I really did was try to purchase a relationship, and that effort was bound to fail. Lesson learned. Still, I would consider hiring a “helper” that could assist me in navigating the culture and in general just make my life as easy as possible. Obviously, this time around I would employ a person I’m not attracted to and keep everything strictly professional and platonic. We’ll see.

Before I can pursue that option I’ll need to find a house in which to live that would accommodate a live-in helper. I know the neighborhood I want (Alta Vista) but I’ve got to be on the ground to find an available rental.

This is the view I want to wake up to each morning:

If my Spanish is right, “Alta Vista” means “high view”. Works for me!

And this would be my dream house to wake up in:

I just have to be patient and look until I find just what I want. That’s why I plan to do a short term lease on a small apartelle while I walk the neighborhoods looking for home.

The search begins next week!

I saw my life this morning
Lying at the bottom of a drawer
All this stuff I’m saving
God knows what this junk is for
And whatever I believed in
This is all I have to show
What the hell were all reasons
For holding on for such dear life
Here’s where I let go

I’m not running
I’m not hiding
I’m not reaching
I’m just resting in the arms of the great wide open
Gonna pull my soul in
And I’m almost home

“If you are willing to settle for less, less will be your destiny.”

Well, that’s as profound as it gets for me anyway.

Over the past few days in the course of conversation with a couple of different friends the concept of destiny reared its ugly head. As usual, the context was “well, that didn’t turn out the way I hoped, but it must be destiny.” Of course, destiny is the twin sister of “God’s will”. Well, I ain’t buying it.

I recall my final appearance in Sunday School at the First Baptist Church in Columbia, South Carolina. The lesson that day was about how God had granted mankind “free will”. At the conclusion of class there was an announcement that there would be a march to the statehouse in support of more restrictive abortion laws. I was sincerely confused and so I raised my hand and asked “if God has given us free will, why would you want to pass a law taking that away?” I was met with a blank stare and after a few seconds was told “it’s a matter of faith”. I took it on faith that there was no point in my returning.

The point is that if we have free will to make decisions in life there can be no outcome that is our destiny. If what happens in our life is preordained, it wouldn’t matter what road or course of action we decided to take, we’d always wind up in the same place. Bullshit.

The things that happen to us in life, good and bad, are not “destiny” they are the result of the choices we make. Yeah, call me Captain Obvious but I’m tired of hearing “sorry, it was just our destiny that we arrived in this fucked up place”. No, we are where we are because we chose through our deeds a course of action that led us here.

I’m taking a new path (in 28 days!) that will lead me to a different future. And as I move forward I’m very cognizant of the fact that the choices I will make along the way are critical if I am to achieve my goal of living a contented and comfortable life in the Philippines. In short, I can’t let myself fuck up again. There are many traps, pitfalls and obstacles along the road to happiness. I’ll have to be patient and cautious as I move forward and choose wisely among the options that will present themselves.

I remain confident that the love of my life is out there and that she will find me one day. It’s my destiny.

I’ve been looking for a lover
But I haven’t met her yet
She’ll be nothing like
I pictured her to be
In her eyes I will discover
Another reason why
I want to live
and make the best
of what I see.

Looking’ for a love
that’s right for me
I don’t know how long
it’s going to be
But I hope I treat her kind
And don’t mess with her mind
When she starts to see
the darker side of me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFs_4N5PU28