A commenter on my previous post said something about my walk pace doesn’t add up. I’ve long held the idea that I take 7,000 steps an hour (on flat ground). This is based on the readings from three generations of Fitbit smart watches I’ve worn for the past several years.
I recently downloaded an app to my phone that primarily measures distance traveled. It indicates that I walk right around 5K per hour. My commenter thought I must walk faster than that, as he gets 5K with only 6,000 steps an hour. Hmm. I chalked it up to variances in the way the app and my Fitbit do their calculations. So today I thought I’d try a calibration exercise.
I started with my morning dog walk by syncing the devices (I had to deduct the steps the Fitbit had already recorded as I moved about the house). Anyway, when I returned from Buddy’s exercise my Fitbit said 2.4K in 28 minutes (Buddy poops and pees a lot) and 3100 steps. The fitness app on the phone said 2.1K in 30 minutes (it doesn’t measure steps). So, they aren’t exactly in sync, but not that far off either.
Later this morning I took a 8+ kilometer walk, again on flat ground. My phone app said (yes, it has a woman’s voice updating at each KM) I was averaging a KM every 11.48 minutes. Just slightly better than 5K per hour.
On the day, my Fitbit shows 14K walked in 160 minutes for a total of 18,500 steps. If I’m doing the math right (well, using my calculator phone app) I get this: 115 steps per minute and 6938 steps per hour. It takes me 1320 steps and 11.42 minutes to walk a KM.
So actually both the Fitbit and fitness app are giving me similar measurements. I’m not sure what all this means except I’ve obviously got too much time on my hands!
Sitting on this barstool talking like a damn fool Got the twelve o’clock news blues And I’ve given up hope for the afternoon soaps And a bottle of cold brew Is it any wonder I’m not crazy? Is it any wonder I’m sane at all Well I’m so tired of losing- I got nothing to do and all day to do it I go out cruisin’ but I’ve no place to go and all night to get there Is it any wonder I’m not a criminal? Is it any wonder I’m not in jail? Is it any wonder I’ve got
Too much time on my hands? It’s ticking away with my sanity I’ve got too much time on my hands It’s hard to believe such a calamity I’ve got too much time on my hands And it’s ticking away, ticking away from me
UPDATE: Well, I was also “doing the math” last May as I counted down the days until making the big move to the Philippines. Time flies!
But anyone can write a poem, even me! Especially a bad one. Well, it’s been a long, long time since I put verses on paper but back in the day I was a poem writing fool. I had cause to be reminded of this fact when I opened “the box of memories” I brought back with me from the last visit to the USA.
An old wine box. But after reading some of the crap inside, it might be more apt to call it a whine box.Photographs, cards and letters, and lots of original words on paper–a journal, some short stories, and some bad poetry. All authored by yours truly back in the early 1970’s. Yep, the contents were still dripping with teenage angst even after all these years.
I was somewhat taken aback at how similar some of those emotions I was expressing back then are to ones I still sometimes experience. And the opposite is true as well, I found my self shaking my head at the sad and petulant young man who fancied himself a writer. Geez, and here I am overcoming that shame by sharing some of those words here with you now. Ha! Finally published after all these years!
Okay, I’m not going to edit or rewrite this crap, but some of it will be excerpted so you’ll get the flavor without having to suffer overmuch. Let’s start with a twofer–a sheet of notebook paper dated December 14, 1972 with these two poems:
The Only Way
Perhaps the best way Is your way Maybe the best belief Is not to believe Maybe the only answer Is no answer And maybe the only time Is this time... And yet, Why can't our love Be the only love?
Alone
Alone in my fantasies Alone with my dreams But when I wake with the dawning One sullen fact remains That I am alone in my love for you--- The sun doesn't shine, it rains.
Well, I warned you. Let’s try this:
I wrote this for my creative writing class in my junior year if I recall correctly. My teacher was a bit of a prick (he called a sonnet I had worked hard on and was proud of “extremely corny”), so this was high praise coming from him. Yeah, I was a full-on anti-war protester back in those days and wrote several Vietnam themed poems. I am not proud of the sentiment expressed in this one. I think it may have been prompted by the My Lai massacre, but it was wrong then and so was I.
Here’s an excerpt from a poem called New Year’s Eve which I assume I wrote on New Year’s Eve. Not sure which New Year’s Eve, but given my history of ill-fated love, it could be just about ANY New Year’s Eve.
You never even took the time To see what you were using And you were shocked when you found out It was you who did the losing
And you really can't help looking back Was it all just another game? You pretend it doesn't matter But you've never felt quite the same
And when it's finally all over Will you look at your life and be sad? Will you remember the people and places And the love you could have had?
I had a typewriter and a hippie mentality back in those days. Geez, this one makes me cringe. And I’m pretty sure the punctuation is all wrong. I’d usually get A’s and B’s on content and D’s on composition. I have no idea why I took to calling myself John Mark McCrarey II. I’m the first and only. I guess I thought it looked cool. Geez.
Alright, I’ve tortured you just about enough I suppose. But before you go, let me share a short essay that just so happens to be the oldest thing in the box, written in my sophomore English class on October 22, 1970. It’s called: Love? Hah!
People are really fools but nobody ever seems to notice this, not even me, until recently. A couple of days ago a friend of mine came up to me and said, “John, I’m in love with Joyce.” I held back from laughing out of friendship, but inside I was thinking “you’re just as dumb as the rest of them.”
Not many people realize there’s no love in the world anymore. Why? Well, for one thing, nobody seems to have time for love in a modern society. Yeah, a lot of people say they’re in love, but they are only fooling themselves. Love is only in the mind. People like to think they are in in love, I guess it makes them happy. I’m not knocking love, how can I? There’s no such thing!
I was only in love once and that’s how I found out about the whole phony thing. It doesn’t make any difference though; people will still foolishly go on searching for something they will never find, something that doesn’t exist, something they call love. Hah!
Hard to believe I was so cynical about love at the tender age of fifteen. Hmm, the more things change, the more they remain the same.
As I mentioned in a post here awhile back I want to write about the lives I’ve lived within this lifetime. The ultimate vanity project to be sure but I just can’t seem to help myself. So here goes.
I guess the obvious starting point is where it all started. The life I led as a child. As I’ve looked back on those times it seems an overstatement to call childhood the foundation on which the rest of your life is built. Obviously I can only speak for myself in that regard, but I just don’t think anything that happened in those “formative” years has been a hindrance or burden to overcome nor can I see anything in that distant past that led me to become who and what I am today. Sure, it’s all about growing up and learning but I’m not sure I had enough self-awareness to have been shaped or scarred for life by childhood events. Hell, maybe I just got lucky!
Which is not to say that I had a particularly easy time of it back then. I’m still keenly aware of growing up in a working class family in a wealthy upper middle class environment that was Orange County, California in the 1960’s.
Garden Grove, my first hometown as it looked back in the day. I was technically born in Los Angeles, but we lived in Garden Grove and Westminster throughout my childhood.
I want to make the distinction between working class and poor. We always had food to eat and a roof over our heads. It may have been ground beef and chicken and our house was old and not in one of those fancy new subdivisions, but we got by alright I suppose.
And we had love. Tough love, as neither of my parents brooked much bullshit. I recall my dad in particular taking off his belt and saying before a (usually deserved) whipping “this is going to hurt me more than you”. It never really felt that way to me though…
My father managed a fast food restaurant called the “Rite Spot”. Up until McDonald’s opened a franchise right across the street. He then took up work as a route salesman delivering food items to the catering houses that served the booming construction industry. My mom worked as a carhop at a drive-in restaurant and later as an assembler on the night shift at a manufacturing plant. My grandma Pernie was always around to take care of us kids while we were growing up.
Hanging out with the bros. Ignorance can be bliss, and it took awhile before I was made aware that our family was “different” by community standards.
We vacationed every year. Usually on the Kern River a few hours away in San Bernadino county. Camping and fishing of course.
Dad always had money for beer and cigarettes, so we weren’t doing too bad. And damn, if you’ve never gutted and pan fried a rainbow trout right out of the river, well, you don’t know what you missed! And I guess maybe all those camping trips instilled in me a love of the outdoors that I satisfy today with long ass walks in the local mountains.My dad only got one week of vacation a year, but on some weekends he’d load us up in the pack of his Jeep pickup truck and drive us out to the desert. Good times!
Our street, Milton Avenue, was sort of a mishmash of 1940’s era homes surrounded by new housing developments. Well, we were bounded on one side by the newly constructed Interstate (the 405 if I recall correctly). So all my childhood friends were similarly situated, economically speaking. And we always found a way to have fun. Playing sandlot baseball, building hideouts and forts, and riding our bicycles. Me and my buds would often ride the 8 miles or so to the beach and hang out all day. We had a lot of freedom back then, sort of a “be home when the streetlights come on”, until then we were left to our own devices. We pretty much stayed out of trouble, and collected pop bottles for the deposits to give us some spending money. I have fond memories of the community spirit we developed.
When I was 11 or 12, one of the neighbors invited me to his church, a small evangelical house of worship. Well, my grandma was Assembly of God so I had been exposed to all of the craziness (like speaking in tongues) from an early age. Anyway, I wound up getting invited to join the church orchestra and choir. I didn’t play an instrument, but no problem they provided me an old lap style steel guitar. I didn’t read music, but they just numbered the frets on the guitar and put corresponding numbers on the notes of the sheet music. So, I just plucked away and used the slide accordingly. It seemed to work, or at least no one ever complained about my “music”. I’m a notoriously bad singer so they called me a tenor and stuck me in the back row. And later that summer we actually did a tour across the western U.S. states. Random church families would takes us in for the nights we were in town. I was one of the youngest members of the group and I recall not being entirely comfortable with the situation. Everyone was nice to me though, so nothing traumatic to report.
In school I was an average student at best, mostly due to laziness I suppose. I always hated homework. But it was in school that I became acutely aware that I was not like my peers. I didn’t wear the same nice clothes, didn’t live in the nice neighborhood, didn’t hang out with the cool kids. That kind of thing. And yes, kids can be cruel and they were. And so can adults. I’ve actually written a little about this before in a post called “A working class hero is something to be”.
Two incidents stand out. One day the kids were all laughing at my shoes. Which admittedly were ridiculous. A gift from my uncle who was a shoe salesman. Probably a couple of sizes too large. But they were new and so I was compelled to wear them.
They looked something like this.
Anyway, the teacher came out to see what all the commotion was about. Someone said “look at McCrarey’s shoes!”. The teacher looked and burst out laughing too. I think she felt bad about it though.
The other incident that is seared into my memory involves my 7th grade math teacher, Peter Boothroyd. I’m sure he’s dead by now so I won’t begrudge him. Much. I was being my usual smart ass self in class one day and he called me out on it by saying “Keep it up McCrarey and you’ll wind up selling jello out of a truck like your father”. Ouch. Well, as it turns out I did for a time wind up working in route sales (sandwiches, not jello). But I’m proud to say that I went on to bigger and better things, beyond anything a pea brain like Peter Boothroyd could have imagined possible. Hmm, I guess maybe I am still a little bitter.
But seriously, so I grew up poorer than most of the community that surrounded me. And that maybe resulted in me being an outsider. Perhaps it impacted my self-esteem some. Honestly, I’d say that makes me luckier than many people. I certainly had no great tragedy or trauma to overcome. And if anything if provided me more motivation later in life to make sure my kids had the kind of life I did not.
Bottom line, my childhood life seems to have little or no relevance to what I became or who I am now. I would wager that is true for most people. I think the next chapter of my life had a far greater impact on my future. A future I could just as easily have lost. Stay tuned for the next installment!
Pretty much. But I’m going to keep writing anyway.
As soon as you’re born they make you feel small By giving you no time instead of it all Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all A working class hero is something to be A working class hero is something to be
They hurt you at home and they hit you at school They hate you if you’re clever and they despise a fool Till you’re so fucking crazy you can’t follow their rules A working class hero is something to be A working class hero is something to be
Been doing some thinking as I walk my life away. It occurs to me that in my lifetime I have lived many different lives. Obviously, I’m the same person I’ve always been, but I’m also radically different in many, many ways from who I was in the past. Perhaps that is true of everyone but it seems profound to me to see how this character in the book of my life has become the person that metaphorically stands before you today.
Going with the book theme, I suppose one way to look at it would be calling these lives within a life chapters in my story. But what would a chapter encompass? Decades don’t neatly align with the transitions I’m thinking about. Life events, like marriages to four different women, might come a little closer. I’m currently building a new life here in the Philippines, but you don’t necessarily change just because your location does. It’s probably more accurate to say all of these factors and events play a part in creating the lives we live within a lifetime. It’s a messy business living a life!
Again, I don’t think there is anything special or unique about my circumstances. It’s just something that I occasionally reflect on as I look back on a life (mostly) well lived. And of course given the self-indulgent autobiographical nature of much of what I post here at LTG it seems natural to share my thoughts as I try to make sense of it all.
So I guess you’ve been warned. I think I will periodically write about a “chapter” in my life story if for no other reason than to gain insights and understanding about who I am and how I got here. Of course, that presumes I’ll be able to figure out a method for doing that.
Let me take a walk and think about it. Stay tuned!
In the comments to yesterday’s post, Kevin Kim gave me a well-deserved kick in the ass some much appreciated advice regarding my reluctance to be on trail alone when I’m hiking in unknown terrain. He included a quote from a well-known hiker, Colin Fletcher, whom I’d never heard of previously. Those words really resonated with me and deserve to be highlighted in a post of their own:
“But if you judge safety to be the paramount consideration in life, you should never, under any circumstances, go on long hikes alone. Don’t take short hikes alone, either — or, for that matter, go anywhere alone. And avoid at all costs such foolhardy activities as driving, falling in love, or inhaling air that is almost certainly riddled with deadly germs. Wear wool next to the skin. Insure every good and chattel you possess against every conceivable contingency the future might bring, even if the premiums half-cripple the present. Never cross an intersection against a red light, even when you can see all roads are clear for miles. And never, of course, explore the guts of an idea that seems as if it might threaten one of your more cherished beliefs. In your wisdom, you will probably live to be a ripe old age. But you may discover, just before you die, that you have been dead for a long, long time.”
Well, hell yeah, that’s exactly right. I knew that at one time and it was a good and timely reminder. Life is for living and living in fear defeats the purpose of living.
And so today I spent some pleasant time hiking on a trail I call My Bitch, letting go of the worry and enjoying the moment each step of the way.
Thanks Colin and Kevin for reminding me what is truly important.versus what is holding me back.
“Every walk of life falls under the Testicular Imperative: Either you have the world by them, or it has you.”
Colin Fletcher
Oh, and speaking of walking, one of the La Union Hashers is also a YouTube vlogger, and he posted a video of Saturday’s Baguio Hash. Your humble correspondent makes a cameo appearance. Give it a watch–the scenery is great.
My life is relatively good here in the Philippines. I certainly have everything I need to live comfortably and well in retirement. And honestly speaking, the disappointments have for the most part been of my own making. As I’ve alluded to in previous posts I’ve yet to find “the one” who fulfills my desire for a loving and nurturing relationship. Instead I’ve been settling into a rather bizarre “friends with benefits” deal that satisfies in a somewhat unsatisfactory manner.
Regular readers will have guessed that I am speaking of Marissa. I recognize that continuing this relationship basically precludes me from pursuing (or being pursued by) the woman of my dreams, whomever and wherever she may be. And while I believe Marissa is a good woman with a kind heart she can also be quite frustrating as at times she appears incapable of meeting my relationship expectations. Consequently I’ve attempted to end our arrangement on several occasions, most recently yesterday.
Here’s the most recent example of our disconnect. Marissa normally works on Thursday nights at Alley Cats. I avoid the bar when she works because I don’t care to watch her engage in the craft of securing lady drinks from her customers. Normally she lets me know when she is finished at work and we’ll meet up for some food or videoke (karaoke). I did a little barhop on my own and dropped into the videoke bar around the time she normally gets off and waited. After a couple more beers there without hearing anything I headed out to Alley Cats to see what was happening. And I was told she hadn’t worked that night. Hmm.
I sent her a message and got no response. So I called her and got no answer. I honestly had no idea what was going on with her so I contacted Cherry, a mutual friend. Cherry advised that she had last talked to Marissa that morning who told her she wasn’t feeling well. That was news to me as Marissa had stayed over at my place on Wednesday night and seemed fine on Thursday morning. I was actually a little worried at this point and decided to finish my beer and walk to Marissa’s place to check on her. Before I could do so I received a message from Marissa saying she was with friends at the videoke bar.
That really pissed me off. Not that she was out with friends, nothing wrong with that. The fact that she hadn’t bothered to take a minute to let me know she wasn’t working and wasn’t going to meet up with me later was to my mind extremely rude. I certainly wasn’t happy that I had wasted my night waiting around for her while she was out partying so I said (wrote) the first thing that popped into my head “fuck you!”. She responded “fuck you too”. And we left it at that. And as I drunkenly made my way home that night I was resolved that this was the end.
The next day Marissa sent me a good morning message and I responded how her actions the previous night had me feel and that I thought it best that we just call it quits and be done with it. She was surprised and remorseful saying she hadn’t realized I was waiting on her to contact me or that I would be upset if she didn’t. I responded that was the problem, it hadn’t even occurred to her to consider my feelings. And then I logged off and took a long walk.
In the afternoon I got another message from Marissa saying she now understands that she was wrong, that it wouldn’t happen again, and asking for me to give her another chance. I told her I didn’t blame her because I realize it is just not in her nature to do the things that meet my needs. She said that she had no choice but to accept my decision and that she would move back home to Manila and go on with her life. She thanked me for all that I had done for her in the past and that she would cherish our memories.
Well, damn. Now I felt bad. I hadn’t expected her to want to pack up and move away. And I realized that despite her flaws I would miss her company. I had been really impressed with her willingness to join me at the Hash and to even hike “My Bitch” with me a couple of days earlier. Was I being too harsh? And then as if in answer to that question, this popped up in my Facebook feed:
When our nails are grown, we cut the nails, not the fingers. Likewise, when there are misunderstandings, CUT THE PRIDE, NOT THE RELATIONSHIP
Shit. Well, what the fuck. She had apologized and seemed sincere in trying to better accommodate my neediness. And I’d feel like crap if she moved away from a place she’s lived for a decade because of me. So I relented and decided to give it another go.
And that’s where I’m at. We’ll see what happens next I suppose. I don’t anticipate any great romance with Marissa, but she’s okay company and if she makes an effort to be better at not pissing me off I might be willing to keep her around for awhile as a companion.
Safer than being in love again, that’s for sure! And yes, it has occurred to me that there are similarities in this arrangement with my failed “Plan B” I tried with Loraine. Maybe this time will be different!
And all I can do is keep on telling you I want you, I need you But-there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you Now don’t be sad ‘Cause two out of three ain’t bad Now don’t be sad ‘Cause two out of three ain’t bad
One of those days yesterday. Feeling a little out of sorts and grumpy. I said fuck off to darts and started drinking beers instead. Drinking beers alone that is. It occurred to me that I actually didn’t have any friend to call on to just sit and join me. So I just kept my laments to myself. Late in the afternoon I moved down to the Arizona floating bar where I continued to drown my sorrows, such as they were.
There’s something about being on the water though. Surrounded by the peaceful beauty of mother nature makes it hard to stay in a bad mood. And then of course the sun started going down and I decided to document it’s departure in a series of time-lapsed photographs. Okay, yeah. I was alone and a little bored. Sue me.
First shot, still relatively high in the sky.second shot, is the sun really going down or is the horizon rising?third shot. nope, them mountains didn’t just get taller…fourth shot, no more sun to see…fifth shot. And yet, the sun shines on…sixth shot…ashes to ashes, dusk to dusk…
Which one is your favorite?
Anyway, drunk and relatively happy again I went to dine at the Arizona restaurant, one of my favorite eateries here in Barretto. Had me some BBQ ribs and they didn’t disappoint.
Got home relatively early and was feeling some pain in my left leg. Normally it is my right leg that hurts, but only when I’m sleeping on it. Weird I know. Anyway, one of my helpers (Gina) gave me a nice leg massage and coupled with the alcohol I soon fell asleep. Life is good, no?
Facebook shared a memory of one year ago when I was Hashing in Pyeongtaek.
I’ll be Hashing again later this afternoon but with a lot less clothes on…
And oh by the way…
That’s me on the floating bar yesterday. You might notice that I’ve discovered how to reverse selfie images to the proper orientation. Thanks for the tip Kevin Kim!
So anyway, given my leg pain Marissa asked me if I was still going to Hash. I told her of course. I actually don’t experience the pain when I’m walking. She responded that I walk too much, and I countered that maybe I’m not walking enough. She was incredulous and said “what are you, a walkaholic?” Now that cracked me up, especially because her English is not all that great and that’s a pretty nice pun. And I always enjoy a good pun!
Speaking of the Hash it’s about time I get ready to head out for today’s event. I saw this posted on the page of one of the Hash groups I belong to:
Yes, I can be a sick bastard but I found it funny.
Keep on lovin’ life, that’s what I plan to do!
I can’t light no more of your darkness All my pictures seem to fade to black and white I’m growing tired and time stands still before me Frozen here on the ladder of my life
Too late to save myself from falling I took a chance and changed your way of life But you misread my meaning when I met you Closed the door and left me blinded by the light
Don’t let the sun go down on me Although I search myself, it’s always someone else I see I’d just allow a fragment of your life to wander free But losing everything is like the sun going down on me
I can’t find the right romantic line But see me once and see the way I feel Don’t discard me just because you think I mean you harm But these cuts I have they need love to help them heal
“Human beings are remarkable – at what we can learn to live with. If we couldn’t get strong from what we lose, and what we miss, and what we want and can’t have, then we couldn’t ever get strong enough, could we? What else makes us strong?” –John Irving
Obviously you can’t live in the past. Learning to let the past go and move on with you life is both challenging and necessary. In many ways I’ve done better of late in that regard. But sometimes those bastards at Facebook and their godforsaken “memories” feature drag me back to days gone by.
One year ago I was either looking forward to my upcoming life in the Philippines or looking back on my latest broken heart. Or maybe both. But what I wasn’t looking at was this sweet woman Juhye. Well, who knows what you are leaving behind? At least until it’s gone. Juhye started a new life in Germany right around the time I started mine here.Two years ago I was in love with a woman destined to break my heart. I didn’t know either of those facts at the time though. Would it have mattered?
I think that’s my favorite picture of Loraine, although I don’t spend much time picking at the scabs on my heart to look at old photos from days gone by. The fact that I’m able to even post this one now is a milestone on the road to my leaving her behind once and for all. Admittedly, she made that easier by turning her back on the friendship I had attempted to maintain despite her betrayal. Ah well.
It did give me cause to consider my track record here in the PI since making the move. If you are keeping score, it looks like this:
Eva–the woman I considered my best friend. She had visited me twice in Korea and I was looking forward to having someone I could trust and rely on as I started my new life in a foreign land. Instead shortly after the move she ghosted me for reasons I still can’t understand. Hurt like hell though.
Gem–they say you can’t put a price tag on friendship, but Gemma has sadly proven otherwise. Regular readers may recall that she was the first woman I dated after the Loraine fiasco. And while the relationship did not blossom into a “love” thing (at least for me) I did value Gem’s friendship. So, we she asked to “borrow” a substantial amount of money to help her out of a short term emergency I didn’t hesitate to do what a friend would do in those circumstances. And all I’ve gotten since then is a string of broken promises. She has pretty much ceased contact with me now, although the last time I heard from her it was to tell me the money would be on its way in a few days. That was weeks ago. Whatever. The lies hurt more than the financial hit to be honest. Live and learn as they say. I still live, but will I ever learn?
Maria–another woman I had dated and then tried to maintain as a friend when the romance didn’t work out. She unfriended me on Facebook a while back because her new beau was jealous of me. Yeah, I can understand her doing that. I’m the past, he’s the future. Good luck, best wishes and all that jazz.
Marissa–I honestly don’t have a clue what I’m doing with her. She’s crap as a girlfriend so we have been doing the “friends with benefits” thing (or at least I have). Although honestly she’s been pretty disappointing as a friend as well. I almost walked away for good a couple of weeks ago but somehow managed to get sucked back in. Sometimes I’m just a weak and lonely old fool I suppose. I don’t pretend there is any future other than being drinking and fucking buddies. One of these days I’ll have to man up and let go for good. I mean, she’s a good woman and I don’t want to see her hurt. She deserves better. And so do I.
Moving on.
Eight years ago the family gathered to bury my mother in Enid, Oklahoma. I was just beginning my new life as a retiree back then and I had Jee Yeun at my side. No regrets about that, I’m glad she was there. I wish things had not ended the way they did, but that’s life.Me (in the middle of course) and the brothers circa 1960. It’s been a helluva ride!
Alright. The future awaits. Let’s get on with it!
Like every young man, I had some things that I Wanted to say Ere I could begin, you know the world got In my way
Oh Lilah, just sleep like a baby To open the window and feel the fair wind Oh Lilah, just sleep like a baby again
We spend so much time weeping and wailing and Shaking our fists Creating enemies that really don’t exist
Oh Lilah, to sleep like a baby? Just open the window and feel the fair wind Oh Lilah, to sleep like a baby again
All these comings and goings that cut like a knife These small, simple pleasures that make up a life A man needs a home, and a child, and a wife To always be there Always
After I’m gone, there are some things that I know I will miss: The taste of your mouth, the smell of the perfume On your wrist Oh, Lilah, the fields lie fallow Whate’r ye sow, so shall ye reap Oh Lilah, this ground we hallow Is ours to tend, but not to keep
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPUBu8HYZdk
UPDATE: It seems I used the “Past forgetting” title on a post back in August 2017. Ah, I guess I forgot about that.
Ah, the joy and freedom of retired life. Where your time is your own to do with as you will. Of course, filling up all those vacant hours can be a chore in its own way I suppose. Here’s how I’ve been passing the time lately.
Darts. I believe I’ve mentioned that I’m trying to rededicate myself to the game. Jee Yeun had always been my biggest fan and supporter and when I lost her I also seemed to lose my passion for the game. But I figure if I’m gonna play in competition I owe it to myself to play up to my utmost capability. And so I have added a daily practice time at home to my routines.
Oddly enough I’ve had some really good practice sessions but they don’t seem to carry over to the tournaments. Played in a big money tourney on Saturday and finished a disappointing 7th place. Last night in a small singles tournament I also threw like crap and finished 4th. Well, I know my practice is not the cause of my poor play, that’s just a coincidence. I hope. Regardless, I’m going to keep after it and see if I can’t recapture some of the past glory days.
Walking. Hey, it’s what I do. Regular readers are probably getting bored with the recitations and photographs of my adventures in and around the streets of Barretto and neighboring jurisdictions. What can I say, it’s how I spend a lot of my time and some days it’s the only fodder I have for the blog. Oddly enough, I’m not really bored with the actual walks. It’s a good time to think about shit and listen to music on the headphones. It’s helped that I’m getting a bit more adventurous and exploring new paths, roads, and trails.
I’ve also got the social aspects what with doing the Monday Hash and the Wednesday Sausage Walkers, so there’s that. And I’ve been meeting and exceeding the goals I’ve set for myself. Last week I averaged over 26,000 steps a day. I think even in retired life you need that sense of satisfaction that comes with achievement. Or so I keep telling myself. That and I don’t want to get fat again.
Drinking. Now there’s something I excel at! I practice every single day, and I must be getting better at it, right? Seriously though, I’m not out of control. I mean, I see these guys at breakfast time ordering up beers and I’m always thankful I’ve committed to not being one of them. I don’t judge (much) but that’s just not the way I want to spend my daytime hours. One of the reasons I quit the Wednesday-Friday dart league is that the matches start at 2:00 p.m. And when I throw darts I drink. And I don’t like having a buzz on at five o’clock wondering “now what am I gonna do?”
Well, I have rejoined the Friday league and I do play in the Sunday tourney, both starting at 2. And quite honestly, I’m out drinking every other night of the week too. But I stick with low alcohol beer (San Mig Zero, 3% alcohol, 60 calories), although I do drink me quite a few bottles (usually 6+). Anyway, I don’t consider it a problem. I don’t get drunk drunk (i.e. falling down, out of control, acting ridiculous). Well, no more ridiculous than I act sober anyway. I very rarely ever drink at home, so it is primarily a social activity for me.
Take last night for instance. I was enjoying some time on board the Arizona floating bar, taking in the views and quaffing some brews as it were. Then a couple of Hash buddies (HIV and Demolition Derby) showed up and joined me for more beers and chat. It was a pleasant evening. Okay, maybe sometimes I do get a little bit ridiculous.
Anyway, that’s how I’ve been filling some of the hours, however comfortably and well. I’ve got some other ideas bouncing about in my head and maybe they will come to fruition. Or at least a mildly interesting blog post. Stay tuned!
Look around me, I can see my life before me Running rings around the way it used to be I am older now I have more than what I wanted But I wish that I had started long before I did And there’s so much time to make up everywhere you turn Time we have wasted on the way So much water moving underneath the bridge Let the water come and carry us away
So I mentioned recently meeting Heidi, a bartender at Cheap Charlies. There was just something about her that instantly attracted me. She’s cute enough I suppose, but it wasn’t just her physical appearance that caught my eye. I really can’t explain it, but perhaps the chemistry that triggers a “love at first sight” reaction is inexplicable anyway.
I do know that at least for me it is a very rare event. I can count the occurrences in my lifetime on one hand. And I learned a long time ago that when those feelings arise you owe it to yourself (and the object of your desire) to at a minimum let the person know of your interest. There are worse things than rejection and I would count a missed opportunity for something rare and special among them.
But it is also true that even rarer than the type of attraction I immediately felt for Heidi is for those feelings to be mutual and reciprocated. That kind of power and intensity is usually only found in a Nicholas Sparks love story (and yeah, I really liked The Notebook, sue me!). So, there was no question I was going to find a way to convey my interest to Heidi, but how would she respond? Only one way to find out.
Given the nature of her work it was simple enough to buy her some drinks and chat her up. And honestly, the more I got to know about her the stronger my feelings became. She’s got a good head on her shoulders and a mature and responsible outlook on life. We have some common interests, including darts and walking. Heidi also has a nice sense of humor, she laughs at my jokes (well, okay the girls all laugh at my jokes because I’m buying them drinks) and she also tells her own. I like that!
I asked her if she had a passport and she said yes, although the only country she’s visited is Vietnam. I teasingly said we needed to take a romantic holiday in Bali and she told me she really wanted to visit Spain. I asked why and she told me her dream was to hike the Camino de Santiago. I had honestly never heard of that but when she explained I was once again very impressed. Could she truly be the one I’ve been waiting for?
So I dove in the best way I know how, which may not be the best way. I told her I’d really like to take her out when she gets a day off and she seemed down with that. Then I gave her my phone number. She didn’t offer her’s in return, but she did clean up my writing enough so she could read my number correctly. And that’s where I left it, the ball squarely in her court.
I dropped into Cheap Charlies last night for a beer or three and Heidi wasn’t there. Her friend Andi told me she had the day off. Okay, well then. I understand she might have been busy on her only day off, but it would have been nice to at least get a text message from her. Reading my disappointment, Andi suggested I enhance my pursuit game. And I told her no, I won’t do that. Heidi knows how I feel and what I want. If she doesn’t feel or want the same thing there’s no point in pursuit. I still have my pride and really as arrogant as it may sound, why should I have to chase after a Filipina bargirl? I could give her a life she can only dream about (including that trip to Spain). If that’s not what she wants, so be it.
Anyway, I’m good either way. I saw and felt something rare and I acted on it. Apparently it was just not meant to be. Such is life.
I saw her today at the reception In her glass was a bleeding man She was practiced at the art of deception Well I could tell by her blood-stained hands You can’t always get what you want You can’t always get what you want You can’t always get what you want But if you try sometimes you just might find You just might find You get what you need
Fourteen years ago I wrote my first blog post here at LTG. What a ride it has been! I knew moving to Korea would be an adventure but I of course had no idea what lay in store for me. Lots of good and bad during my journey, but it changed my life in ways I could never have imagined. I have no regrets about my decision to break free from my boring suburban life. Yeah, I lost two wives along the way but I guess that’s just the price of admission.
As I said back then:
On a more personal level, I have lived a very comfortable life. Too comfortable perhaps. The chance to live and work overseas in a totally alien culture seems to be an exciting opportunity to get out of my box and experience a new lifestyle. Yes, I am looking forward to the adventure. Of course, the nature of adventure is the not knowing how things will turn out. I know I will miss my family and friends and everything that is familiar and wonderfully American. I have made a two-year commitment to the Army, and if I am miserable and lost and lonely, well I will deal with it and learn what I can from the experience. Going in, I have a positive attitude and believe that I have the power to determine what I gain and how I grow as I live this new life.
And now of course, I never want to go back to where and who I was. So these days I’m living a new adventure in the Philippines.
This blog has evolved into something of a personal (probably too personal) diary of my thoughts and actions as I make my way through this world. My life truly is an open book. That’s not always good I suppose, but I do strive to be honest with my readers.
And I would be remiss if I did not give a shout out to those faithful few who have come along for the ride. I think anyone who writes needs and appreciates feedback from his audience. But I’ve gained so much more than that. I’ve made some friends and gotten the kind of brutally honest advice you might not expect or receive in the 3D world. It’s meant more to me than you’ll ever know. Thanks for sticking around!
Here’s hoping for another fourteen years of blogging. At least!
“The life in front of you is way more important than the life behind you.”
Time for an update on my love life, and here it is:
I ain’t got one.
Which of course is not news, but this is:
I don’t give a shit.
Yep, I’m steadily progressing down the road of unfucking myself. And one of the milestones on that journey has been learning to embrace the things that I have in life and stop worrying so much about what I’ve lost. Yeah, yeah, no shit Captain Obvious. Well, sometimes the easiest lessons take the longest to learn. But I’m getting there. I’ve mostly let go of the sadness that seemed to permeate my life in Korea, and when I feel it trying to creep back in I just take a gander at the mountains and the bay, sigh, and say to myself “damn, you are a lucky bastard to be living here in paradise.” Most of the time that works.
Of course, I do miss all the good things that come with being in a relationship. But these days I also remind myself of the bullshit they bring too. I can live happily without dealing with the lies, jealousy, and betrayal that seems to be part of the relationship deal. No, I’ve not given up on love nor am I closing any doors to a possible future relationship. It’s just that I’m satisfied being free to live my life as I choose. Perhaps one day someone will choose to share this life with me, but either way I fully intend to be happy walking my chosen path.
And here’s the view from where I am today:
Marissa is still the female I spend most of my time with. I’ve assigned her to the “friend zone” and she seems to have accepted that, although I suspect she hopes for more. And yes, we are “friends with benefits” so that takes care of my physical needs. And that and drinking beer are just about all that we have in common. And that’s okay, for now at least.
Gina, my domestic helper’s friend, made a play for my affections which except for one drunken night of sex I’ve rejected. Hopefully she’s gotten the message and moved on. Moved on, but not out of my house. Turns out she doesn’t really have anywhere to go. So, when she’s not visiting her kids in Manila she stays here sleeping in Tere’s room. Gina does help out some around the house for which I pay her a small pittance. I guess that technically makes her a part time employee. She says she is applying for work in the area and I think she’s hitting the dating websites trying to snag the coveted “foreigner boyfriend”. I wish her luck with that, because it ain’t gonna be me!
Speaking of the dating sites, I had several potentials chatting me up on a regular basis. And then I realized I just wasn’t interested in pursuing any of them. I mean, they all seemed nice enough but I just didn’t care enough to be bothered with it. I knew it was unfair and unkind to string them along so I’ve basically let them all know I’m not interested. Time’s too precious to waste.
I’ve also lost interest in Jessa, although I’m not sure why. I think maybe I sensed that she just wasn’t really into me, but was attracted by the fact that I could support her (and her daughter) financially. Again, I’m better off alone than in that situation.
So what the hell do I want then? Well, I really envy the Hashers who have a girlfriend with them on trail. Not sure how to go about getting one though. I know a couple of guys are dating prostitutes dancers from the bar. Sorry, and I mean no disrespect, but that’s just not my thing. I guess I’ll just leave that Hash companion fantasy in the que sera, sera category.
And pretty much all my other female friend relationships have also done a crash and burn lately. Loraine has blocked me on social media, I rarely hear from Eva, Gem apparently is not going to repay me, and Maria’s new beau has insisted she cease all contact. It’s always good to be reminded just how much others in your life truly value you. Thanks for that ladies!
So, that’s where things stand in matters of the heart. Is it any wonder I’m one happy motherfucker? Acceptance was a long time coming but I’m almost home free now. And that’s a good thing!
There are people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you, ’cause life goes on
You keep carrying that anger, it’ll eat you up inside
I’ve been trying to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore.
“It is during the darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.”
–Aristotle
Things are actually going quite well for me I suppose. Nothing much has changed really, other than perhaps my outlook and perceptions. I’ll give some credit to the Unfuck Yourself book, most of which is just common sense reminders of things I may have forgotten along the way. The “I’ve got this” reference comes from Chapter 4 of said book which speaks about looking back at how we’ve overcome past hurdles that seemed insurmountable at the time and then thinking confidently that whatever obstacles the future may bring will similarly be conquered. The author says our brains are wired to win and we sabotage ourselves by letting negative thoughts control our subconscious. Anyway, none of this is rocket science or an earth shattering new discovery. It’s all about attitude.
“If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap whence everyone must take an equal portion, most people would be content to take their own and depart.”
–Socrates
The other takeaway from Chapter 4 was the reminder that in the grand scheme of things my problems are relatively meaningless. Actually, I’ve been well aware of that fact for quite some time, all the more so since moving to the Philippines. I can just look around me and observe the daily struggles of people here to put food on the table to fully understand how little my disappointments and hurt feelings truly matter in an unforgiving universe. As I’ve reflected on this obvious truth it occurred to me that there is absolutely no one here I’d want to trade places with should such an opportunity arise. I truly am blessed and the more I appreciate that fact the better off I’ll be. Life is just too damn short to waste it on sorrow and regret.
What else is going on in my world? Well, really just more of the same. And there’s nothing wrong with that!
I’ve been getting my steps in. Averaging over 20,000 per day this past week. Still carrying that extra weight around though. Turns out is is much easier to put in on than to take it off. Go figure.
Another first place finish is darts yesterday. That’s three in a row, but who’s counting?
And I continue to very much appreciate the beauty of this place I now call home. That’s last night’s sunset.
It’s been a nada kind of day. Which is a helluva lot better than a bad day, that’s for sure.
Just the routine rituals…walking the dog, walking my increasingly fat old self, taking a nap.
My morning walk took me past Marissa’s place so I snapped a photo for old times sake.
So yeah, the on again off again thing with Marissa has been off for awhile now. We’ve taken some tentative steps towards maintaining some kind of friendship. So far that has entailed meeting up for a few beers and songs at the karaoke joint. I enjoy the occasional company I suppose. And honestly I’m getting back into the “love who needs it?” mode. Well, I say that but my mind could be changed. For now I just want to play the field, such as it is. Had several prospects from the dating sites on the line but I’ve just not been able to return their enthusiasm. I feel shitty about that. Not intentionally playing with their emotions, but I’m going to put myself first for a change. No more “Mr. Nice Guy” and all that crap. Or so I say…
Did a little more poetry reading this afternoon, and came across this in one of my James Kavanaugh books:
I found this poem bookmarked by an old rose I must have given to a former love. I’m not sure if the rose was placed there randomly or not, but the poem does resonate with me…
Everything can change, for good or ill, in the blink of an eye. I’m just going to enjoy the ride as best I can.
And while I wait to meet there is always meat.
Did some grillin’ and chilliin’ this afternoon as well.
And now I reckon I’ll head out to throw some darts and quaff some brews on this best of all possible Friday nights.
Faded photograph
Covered now with lines and creases
Tickets torn in half
Memories in bits and pieces
Traces of love long ago
That didn’t work out right
Traces of love
I close my eyes and say a prayer
That in her heart she’ll find
A trace of love still there
Somewhere
“If human emotions largely result from thinking, then one may appreciably control one’s feelings by controlling one’s thoughts–or by changing the internalized sentences, or self-talk, with which one largely created the feeling in the first place.”
–Albert Ellis
So yep, I working on upping my self-talk game by emphasizing the positives in my life rather than the failures. It’s not as easy as it sounds especially when faced with yet another disappointment, the details of which I’ll spare you. There’s much, much more good than bad in my life and even what may feel like a failure now could well prove to be an opportunity down the road. Regardless, much better to count my blessings rather than my heartbreaks, right?
First time back on the scales since my vacation to the states and it wasn’t good news–I gained ten pounds! Not really a surprise given the way I was eating high card junk snacks coupled with a serious decrease in my exercise routine. So, I have a new goal to strive for and I am on it! (see more positive self-talk!)
Today’s walk on the beach revealed that the Arizona floating bar is back in operation. Not that I go there much, but it means rainy season is officially over. These next few months are the best time of the year here, or so I am told.
Not a whole lot else to report from here. Had a chat with Gina and let her know I’m not ready for a relationship just yet. She seemed to take that disappointment in stride. We’ll see. I’m gonna follow through on the date with Jessa tomorrow although I don’t foresee a future with her either. I think it’s best that I use this particular time in my life to just embrace the adventure and enjoy what each day may bring.
“It’s not that you have to find the answer, you are the answer.”
–Gary John Bishop
As wonderful as it has been spending time with the kids and grands, a sense of sadness has permeated my long awaited return “home” to Columbia. It’s been nearly three years since my last visit and of course I was accompanied on that trip by my wife. She’s gone now and so is the life we had built here together. Well, not entirely gone. It seems everywhere I turn I’m confronted by a memory. And those memories are a bitter reminder of what I had and what I lost. By no means was it a perfect life, but it was the life I chose to share with her and I was content to live out the remainder of my days making the best of it.
And now I’m living a completely different life in a far away land. Thus far it’s been a lonely life which makes the emptiness I feel inside all the more difficult to bear. I miss feeling loved. I miss having someone at my side. I miss how it felt to be satisfied with my life. Coming back has brought those feelings to the forefront of my consciousness and left me struggling to maintain some semblance of peace of mind. It’s been keeping me awake at night because my brain ignores me when I tell it to “shut the fuck up!”
I am well aware of all the common sense platitudes. The past is the past, it can’t be changed or lived in. You have to let go and move forward. Focus on the things you have and not the things you’ve lost. Be ready for the next big thing in life, don’t let yesterday control your tomorrows. I think for the most part I’ve been doing those things, some days more successfully than others. But being here now has made me understand that there is a part of me that is gone forever. And no matter how much encouragement you might give an amputee, the fact remains that he will never be the same again. Yes, you still have to go on and make the best of what is left to you, but all the words in the world will never make you whole.
Okay, that’s just about enough of feeling sorry for myself. On my sleepless nights I do contemplate how I might go about building a life that will bring me, if not happiness, then at least a sense of satisfaction. But how to I get there from here? Well, I’m certainly not the first man who has found himself at this crossroad. And through the power of the internets I’ve managed to ferret out some words of wisdom. Or at least words that resonate with me. The first came from a submission to a Thai forum I frequent: No More “Nice Guy” in Thailand (I just change Thailand to the Philippines as I read, both are similar for these purposes). It begins with this:
A woman should be a compliment to your life, not the focus.
I guess that seems obvious, but I think I’ve been guilty of believing that if I could just find the “right one” I would be a happy man. It doesn’t work that way though, does it? The author goes on to say:
Understanding that you alone are responsible for your happiness and if you depend on a woman for your happiness, you are going to be controlled by emotions and on the road to ruin. Rather, your focus should be on living life as an integrated, confident male with a growth mindset who is striving to be the best version of himself. Aware of his self-worth and be value driven, as opposed to being driven by what other people think of him. It’s ok to be considerate of other people’s feelings but it’s not ok to be driven by them.
Yeah, I can get behind that concept. The trick of course is implementing it. I’m a sucker when it comes to love! Anyway, if you are so inclined, go ahead and read the post about avoiding the “Nice Guy” syndrome. It’s good food for thought.
I previously alluded to a book I’ve ordered that is supposed to be delivered today (hurry up!). It’s called “Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life”. It sounds like it was written with me in mind! Here’s the Amazon synopsis:
Are you tired of feeling fu*ked up? If you are, Gary John Bishop has the answer. In this straightforward handbook, he gives you the tools and advice you need to demolish the slag weighing you down and become the truly unfu*ked version of yourself. ”Wake up to the miracle you are,” he directs. ”Here’s what you’ve forgotten: You’re a fu*king miracle of being.” It isn’t other people that are standing in your way, it isn’t even your circumstances that are blocking your ability to thrive, it’s yourself and the negative self-talk you keep telling yourself.
In Unfu*k Yourself, Bishop leads you through a series of seven assertions:
I am willing.
I am wired to win.
I got this.
I embrace the uncertainty.
I am not my thoughts; I am what I do.
I am relentless.
I expect nothing and accept everything.
Lead the life you were meant to have—Unfu*k Yourself.
I’ve got a 30 hour trip ahead of me tomorrow. I’ll spend some of them trying to unfuck myself!
Once I’m back in the Philippines I’ve got some decisions to make. Primarily, do I truly want to be in a relationship or should I just remain a free agent? It may come as a surprise that I do appear to have some options. I didn’t say they were necessarily good options mind you. For example, my domestic helper Tere has this friend Gina. Gina is from Manila and has come to visit Tere on several occasions, staying at the house for a week or two (she sleeps in Tere’s room). Although I have never really had a meaningful conversation with Gina (she always seemed shy around me) I did accept her Facebook friend request. She’s been sending me messages about “missing me” and hoping we can have a relationship together when I return. Yeah, I know that sounds bizarre, but actually it is not all that unusual with Filipinas. Still freaks me out though. I’ve told her she doesn’t even know me but that doesn’t seem to matter to her. She’s got a pretty cute body on her, I’ll give her that. But at this point in time I’m not inclined to take the easy way.
I’ve also heard from Jessa while I’ve been out of the country. She’s the gal I helped celebrate her 30th birthday recently (blog post here). Apparently there’s some fucked up shit happening at her work and she wants to quit. Of course, she has a daughter to support so needs to find a new job first. She teasingly (I think) said I should fire my helper and hire her. She also told me she needs a vacation and asked (teasingly?) when I was going to take her to Palawan. I responded we could have dinner when I returned and talk about that and she said “okay”. I hope she was serious.
She’s actually a sweet gal and has a good head on her shoulders. I think I could go for that, but honestly I never got the impression she was into me at all. It may be worth finding out one way or another.
The other avenue I’m considering is to just meet up with dating websites gals in locations I want to visit. I’ve been chatting with several so far and although I haven’t felt any sparks, having a nice “tour guide” to keep me company has some appeal. Blow into town, have a good time, and head on out unscathed and unattached. That’s one way to do it.
Or hell, maybe I’ll just become a whore and start fucking bargirls. I don’t know. I haven’t read the book yet.
Old habits die hard, some wounds never heal
We got what we came for, this is part of the deal
I can’t forget you, I can’t even try
Sometimes it seems like somebody died
Old soldiers die hard, old hearts beat slow
Old friends go easy, old lovers just go
Some fools never learn, ain’t that what they say
I turned for a moment, you turned away
You had your reasons, God only knows
If it bothered you baby, it never showed
Old soldiers die hard, old hearts beat slow
Old friends go easy, old lovers just go
I knew coming in that this trip back after three years was going to be a tough one emotionally. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the memories. I am reminded of mom and dad frequently. There were letters and notes from both of them in my time machine box. Their passing was of course inevitable and somehow that makes it easier to bear.
Walking around the area this morning I saw so many places where I had spent time with Jee Yeun. Grocery shopping in Publix without her was surreal. The restaurants where we ate together. Even the jewelry store where she bought my wedding band. So much for promises. So much for forever. After almost three years I’m still not over it. Perhaps I never will be.
I don’t mean to come off as a wuss. I’m dealing with it as best as I know how. But during the jet lag fueled sleepless hours my mind can’t seem to stop itself from “going there”. I know that life is gone forever, but it still makes me sad.
Someone asked me if I was brown from the sun? I said “no, I’m John from the earth!”
I’m off to America. Well, I’m at the airport waiting to take off for America. More specifically, Columbia, South Carolina.
My itinerary has me leaving Clark airport in Angeles City in less than two hours. I’ll stop at Incheon to change planes and airlines (Asiana to Korean Air) then have a straight shot into Atlanta. I’ll connect there on flight to Charlotte, pick up my rental car, then shoot down the highway to Cola-town.
The Bundok Hash this afternoon proved interesting, stay tuned for more on that soon.
Amongst the perks of traveling business class is not waiting in a long ass line to check in, priority handling of your luggage (first on the carousel) and access to the VIP lounge. Had it all to myself an hour ago…
Now I’m the only white guy in a room full of Koreans!
Once we take off from Clark I’ve got 24 hours to survive prior to arriving in Charlotte. What could go wrong?
So, Marissa prevailed upon me to visit Alley Cats bar with her. It was the first time I’d been there in over a week after having been an almost daily regular. Felt a little strange being back to be honest. The Wednesday night dart tournament was in full swing and the place was packed. Lots of folks gave me a warm greeting and a welcome back, so I guess that was nice.
One thing that had changed since my departure is that the bar now features a designated smoking area. Alley Cats was one of the few places that still allowed smoking in the bar–in violation of a nationwide executive order and an Olongapo city ordinance. Apparently someone dropped a dime and reported the bar to the Barangay office and they sent an investigator out who ordered that the bar establish a proper smoking area in compliance with the law. So a storage closet was converted for that purpose. I’m not a smoker but I was never bothered by the folks who did smoke in the bar. The only person I ever did hear complain was Alan, so he was the prime suspect in ratting out the bar.
I don’t rag on my fellow expats much and never had any real problems with Alan, he was just one of those people I instinctively didn’t care for. A retired New Yorker with a whiny little bitch attitude. A good dart thrower but a bit of a dick when he plays. The last time I played against him he needed one bulls eye to win the game but kept throwing for points instead. They have a name for people like that, the most polite being “loser”. Like I told my partner at the time “as long as he keeps throwing points instead of the winning dart, we are still in the game”. And sure enough we managed to come back from a huge deficit and beat him. It was sweet, but I bit my tongue and didn’t say anything, better for me if he keeps playing stupid darts.
Anyway, last night he was sitting at the table opposite of mine waiting for his next match in the dart tourney. And as I was enjoying some vaping he said something along the lines of “I thought we got rid of the smokers in here”. I gave my standard response of “it’s not smoke, it’s vapor” and he came back with something idiotic like “it’s the same thing”. And for whatever reason I lost it. Yeah, I was drunk, but I’m normally a friendly drunk. I said something like “you know what, fuck you if you don’t like it. I don’t want you to talk to me again”. His comeback was “don’t worry, I won’t”. I distinctly remember putting my hands together, looking up at the ceiling, and saying “thank you God for small mercies”. Then I went back to vigorously puffing on my vape pen. I guess I used my big voice in the above exchange because I noticed even the dart players had paused their game to watch.
I ignored Alan after that. A couple of folks expressed appreciation for my having called out the prick but I wasn’t particularly proud of the way I handled it. A few minutes later Alan quit midway through the tournament (a dick move screwing over his partner) and left the bar. Told you he was a punk! Later the bar owner came over and said he had complained to her about my vaping. She had pulled up the smoking ordinance on her phone and showed me that it specifically excludes electronic cigarettes. Her attitude was if Alan doesn’t like it he is welcome to not come back. Marissa told me later that Alan is not popular with the girls because he is a cheap charlie, never buys a lady drink and usually just drinks water himself. I’m pretty sure I used to spend more in a night than he does in a week so I should win the most valuable customer prize, at least between us two. Oh well, like I say, it is not a good thing to lose your temper that way. Things can escalate in a hurry and someone winds up hurt or in jail or both. Just not worth it. I need to channel my inner Bruce Lee:
After all the excitement I wound up staying for a couple of more beers. When I was ready to leave Marissa came outside with me. I tried to call a trike for her but she took my hand and said she was going to get me home safe. So off we went, my ability to resist was nil. When we arrived at the house, my helper Tere did her usual disappearing act, hustling up the stairs to her room. Her friend Gina who is visiting didn’t run away which made Marissa happy. In fact, we all grabbed beers from the fridge and sat on the back patio drinking and talking. It was actually quite pleasant.
When it was time for bed Marissa of course joined me. We had passionate sex and then slipped into a drunken slumber. I was up for the 6 a.m. sunrise as usual and she came downstairs maybe an hour later. We walked to Harley’s for breakfast and then I put her in a trike and sent her on home. I got a message later thanking me again for the money. She had paid her rent and sent some to her sister in Manila, telling her sister it was “from her ex”. So, we seem to both be clear on our relationship status. And that’s for the best.
Sorry, if the conclusion to this post proved to be anti-climatic. But that was more than enough drama for me, thank you very much!
Yesterday I had a shopping trip to San Fernando.
With traffic and road construction it’s about 1.5 hours each way. But I needed to order some custom-sized window blinds and they had a store there that I couldn’t find in Olongapo.
Words of wisdom were on sale but I took a photo and saved the money. “Don’t spend your life with someone you can live with. Spend your life with someone you can’t live without” Hmm. You talking to me?
Had to hurry back home for my “date night” with the Treasure Island gals. In fact, my driver just waited while I showered and dressed. Then we picked them up and headed out to the old Navy base for dinner.
My company for the evening (L-R) Ru Ru, Kat, Gwapo John, and Jessa.
We dined at Texas Joe’s, the best American style BBQ joint I’ve found thus far.
I had the ribs and chicken combo. Honestly, the ribs couldn’t hold a candle to the ones I enjoyed at Mango’s the other day. Ah, but the beans and cole slaw were outstanding!
As was the company….
After dinner, we went to the movies and saw “Johnny English”. I found it funny enough but the girls were cackling with laughter throughout. Much better than our last movie experience for sure.
Then we went to the Pier 1, an outdoor nightspot on base. Live music from a couple of decent bands. The bar service was really slow, but otherwise it was a pleasant way to cap off the evening. Got home after 11 p.m. which is late for me. Had my driver drop me off first and the gals all wanted to come in and see my place. So they did that, used the bathroom, and then headed on out to their destination.
It was a good night. The only one of the gals I’m really interested in is Jessa, but she has given next to nothing that indicates she has a reciprocal interest. At best I fear I’m stuck in the friend zone. At worst, I’m the financier for a “girls night out”. Oh well, I think if the next date isn’t a solo one, I’ll bow out on paying for it.
Tonight I have a special Hash event–a bar crawl. That’s a first for me with this group and should be a nice change from my solitary drinking routine. You can read about it here tomorrow. Stay tuned!
I’m walkin’ down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I’m bound, I can’t tell
But goodbye’s too good a word, gal
So I’ll just say fare thee well
I ain’t sayin’ you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don’t mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don’t think twice, it’s all right
