I had another one of those out-loud conversations with myself in the wee hours of the morning. It went something like this:

Me: Am I alive or dead?

The voice in my head: Dead.

Me: So, is this place I’m in heaven or hell?

The voice in my head: Both.

I’m not sure what the takeaway from that exchange is supposed to be (other than evidence that I’m clinically insane), but there you have it. Nothing to do but keep on keepin’ on, so that’s my plan.

I had a good time at Hideaway last night, as evidenced by my bar tab of over 3000 pesos; I usually only spend a third of that amount. The difference was buying lady drinks for the other girls as well as Joy. I also splurged on the feeding, spending another 1200 on the giant tacos from The Coffee Shop restaurant. I guess I was just in one of those moods, and money doesn’t have much value unless you spend it. And I do enjoy buying those smiles.

After Hideaway, I paid a visit to Cheap Charlies. My regulars were otherwise occupied, but a couple of replacements were soon seated at my side. I didn’t stay long and don’t remember anything of significance, but that’s pretty much the story of this life I’m living.

My Fitbit stats say I went to sleep at 8:30 last night, which is early even by my low standards. Then I woke up at four in the morning and started talking to myself.

The Wednesday Walkers group did a relatively easy trek, mainly on the My Bitch trail. There were six of us all told, including a newcomer named Gen. Yeah, that Gen. She said she was tired at the end but seemed to enjoy herself. Welcome to the group!

And that was the hike.

Yeah, these past few days have been a good reminder of just how lucky I am. I think I’ve finally reached the “I don’t give a shit anymore” level of caring whether or not I have a significant other in my life. I guess you should never say never, but I ain’t gonna waste another minute worrying about it. My life is what it is, and I’ve already had more than my share of lemons.

When I was just a lad of ten, my father said to me,
"Come here and take a lesson from the lovely lemon tree."
"Don't put your faith in love, my boy", my father said to me,
"I fear you'll find that love is like the lovely lemon tree."

Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.
Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.

One day beneath the lemon tree, my love and I did lie
A girl so sweet that when she smiled the stars rose in the sky.
We passed that summer lost in love beneath the lemon tree
the music of her laughter hid my father's words from me:

Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.
Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.

One day she left without a word. She took away the sun.
And in the dark she left behind, I knew what she had done.
She'd left me for another, it's a common tale but true.
A sadder man but wiser now I sing these words to you:

Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.
Lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet
but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.

I’m going to a birthday gathering today in San Narcisco.

It’s the birthday of my physician, Dr. Jo, and an invitation for me to attend was sent via a message to my helper (my helper is a certified caregiver, and she’s the one who makes my appointments–she got invited too). I’ve never had any previous out-of-office socializing with my medical professionals, so it was a surprise to get the invite. I’ve only been to San Narcisco once before, it’s a nice beach town, so I’m looking forward to hanging out at Mope Resort with my doc and her friends this afternoon.

Speaking of gifts, I was surprised when one of the Hideaway gals gave me a present last night.

I was at Hideaway last night to feed the girls because I’ll be out of town for the regular Sunday meal I provide.

My pal Ron had invited me out to McCoy’s on Baloy Beach for a full moon viewing, so I grabbed a trike after Hideaway and made my way to the beach bar. It was surprisingly quiet for a Saturday night, and I was especially happy about the lack of videoke singers squealers. I was disappointed that McCoy’s was without soda water, so I couldn’t stick to my gin. The bartender promised to order some for my next visit. They don’t have San Mig Zero beer either, so I was compelled to break diet and go with a San Miguel Light. Oh well.

Shortly after I arrived, Ron showed up with two other guys I’d never met, and the party was on. It wasn’t long before Ron’s friends wanted to barhop in Barretto, with Whiskey Girl being the first stop. I agreed to go along so I could get a squeeze from Jen, but I knew I wouldn’t be hitting any other bars; I was pretty much at my limit for the night.

I’d been intermittently chatting with Gen, and she’s heading back to Subic today. I guess I was too slow in responding to her messages, and she got upset. That unfurled a HUGE red flag in my mind. I told her I was in a crowded bar with friends and that it is rude to be on the phone when people are trying to converse with me. She said she was disappointed, which I find disappointing. I went back and checked this morning, and the longest gap between one of her messages and my response was fifteen fucking minutes.

So, today I’ve been thinking things over. First of all, I don’t really know this woman at all. Today she told me she wants to go to the Hash on Monday, and I told her that’s not a good idea. We have that whole virgin initiation thing, and I doubt she would find that fun. She wanted to get together tonight (I guess she’s not too shy to meet me without a chaperone now), but I have a party to attend. So, I reckon it will be Tuesday for the first in-person contact. Maybe it will be the last, as she says she will stay with her mother up north if she doesn’t find work here this week.

It seems to me that I’m always missing what I don’t have and think that I want. I guess a girlfriend has been at the top of that list for a while now. But damn, one thing I haven’t missed is the drama that seems part and parcel of a relationship. Just that little taste I had with Gen over message response times made me start thinking if this is something I really want to do. Let’s see if I can figure it all out before I fuck up. Again.

Maybe it just comes with the territory of being a man.

Here are the results from the Week 1 Weigh-In:

This week: 222.4

Last week: 225.3

Weight loss/gain: -2.9

Starting weight: 225.3

Goal: 195

The day started with a Friday group hike and ended with a dance competition. Try putting those bookends on your mantle!

The hike began quite a way from our usual meeting place at 7/11 on Baloy, which is just a few minutes walk from my house. This time we started at Barretto High School on Rizal Extension. I opted to take the most direct route, which means taking a path through the hills behind Alta Vista. That also required hiking it alone, which always makes me nervous because one slip, trip, or fall can have disastrous consequences if no one is around to assist you. I was extra cautious and completed the forty-minute trek without incident. And then the real fun began.

Our group headed up a path to Kalaklan ridge but didn’t go all the way to the top. Instead, we walked a trail midway up that paralleled Rizal Extension. It had been a while since I’d gone this way, and after the initial climb, it was quite pleasant. On the way back down some algae-covered steps, Scott slipped and came down hard. At first, he thought his ankle was broken, but thankfully that proved not to be the case. We took it slow the rest of the way down to the road, and he caught a trike home from there. Again, if that had happened when he was up there alone, he would have been screwed big time.

I’ll share photos from the hike at the end of this post.

Friday means attending the SOB dance competition, and this week the venue was Alaska Club. I left home around 4:00 p.m. to grab a bite to eat and be in line when the doors opened at 5:00.

Everything went according to plan, and I was the first to sign up for the SOB, which allowed me to select a comfortable seat with a nice view. I was doing the gin and soda drinks, so I needed to pace myself. It seems like one drink every 30 minutes is about right.

When things kicked off, the bar was packed. I guess we have a lot of tourists in town this week because several were doing the “two-week millionaire” routine. One guy was throwing cash on stage during the performance, which seemed a little rude to me. I mean, it’s fine when the girls are dancing for customers, but not so much during a competition. In my opinion, at least.

Another customer was throwing buckets of balls. I think I’ve mentioned this before. Some bars (including Alaska) have a small bucket of balls on the table. You can toss them to the girls for a 300 peso charge. The girls then scramble around, trying to pick up as many of the balls as possible. I understand they get 5 pesos for each ball they recover. I’ve never counted the number of balls in the bucket, but the bar obviously makes money on the toss as well. Anyhow, this guy kept throwing the buckets, seven or eight of them at least, so that adds up to a fair amount of money. I have just rarely seen the local expats engage in free spending like that.

That’s not to say that the expat community are all cheapskates, but most of us are more discreet in our giving. For example, I slipped each of the Alaska dancers (the ones not competing) a 50 peso note. Probably a better deal for them than scrambling around on the floor for a fuckin’ ping pong ball.

By the time things wrapped up at 8:00 p.m. (Alaska took first), I was feeling no pain. That didn’t stop me from having a final drink at Queen Victoria before grabbing a trike for home.

That covers the alcoholic portion of my life; let’s do the walkaholic part now:

And that’s the way the day went. Scott says he has some pain and swelling in the ankle, but it looks like nothing time won’t heal.

And now, it is time to shower up and discover what Saturday night has planned for me.

…sometimes you’re the bug.

I had a 15% discount coupon for Sit-n-Bull due to expire soon, so I decided to splurge a bit on the Wednesday feeding at Hideaway. Lasagna for Joy, tacos, chicken wings, chicken fingers, and lumpia for the rest of the crew. Even with the discount, it came to over 1600 pesos ($30). Still, I often spend that much on myself during a night out, so I’ll revel in the feeling good from seeing those smiling faces.

I stayed at Hideaway a little longer than usual and played Joy in pool again. This time I won! That’s surprising because she is a good shot. I still had four balls on the table when Joy missed the winning shot at the 8-ball, then I ran the table for the victory. As they say, it is better to be lucky than good.

Walking up the highway after Hideaway, I decided to pay a rare visit to Blue Butterfly for my nightcap before heading home. I was surprised to be warmly greeted by Tanya, who used to come to the Hash occasionally. Naturally, I invited her to join me for a drink at my table. Another waitress approached and greeted me by name. She was vaguely familiar looking, but I’ll be damned if I have a clue as to who she is. I bought her a drink as well. Then a vendor came by selling balut (fertilized duck eggs), so I got some for the girls to enjoy.

I had a couple of drinks, then Tanya hailed a trike for me, and it took my drunk ass home. I’m still looking for the sweet spot when I’m drinking gin and sodas.

I’m doing okay on my informal diet plan so far, I think. I had a few strips of bacon before my hike, an orange, and some seaweed chips as a snack after the hike, and then limited myself to two small tacos (one corn shell, on soft) for dinner. And no beers. I won’t know until I do my weekly weigh-in on Sunday if going without is making a difference.

In the morning hours, I was huffing and puffing with the Wednesday Walkers group out Subic way. The thing about the Wednesday/Friday hikes is that we have a general idea in mind but no actual trail like at the Hash. Sometimes that leads to adventure. Yesterday, we got stymied multiple times by deadends as we searched in vain for a path down off the mountain that used to be there (we did it over a year ago), but it is apparently so little used that the jungle vines have overgrown it. We eventually retreated and took another path down, and it turned out fine—all part of the fun. I reckon even Lewis and Clark had some deadheads when they ventured out west. Not that I’m comparing our group to theirs–we don’t have anyone like Pocohantus to guide us.

Here are some photos from our quest:

Things don’t always go as planned, but that means it doesn’t get boring. I’d call that a good day!

Another interesting chat with Gen today, but I’ll need to process my thinking a little clearer before I can decide what exactly I’m feeling. If anything.

Stay tuned!

Well it's a strange old game you learn it slow
One step forward and it's back you go
You're standing on the throttle
You're standing on the brake
In the groove 'til you make a mistake

Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're just a fool in love
Sometimes you're the Louisville Slugger
Sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together
Sometimes you're gonna lose it all

You gotta know happy - you gotta know glad
Because you're gonna know lonely
And you're gonna know sad
When you're rippin' and you're ridin'
And you're coming on strong
You start slippin' and slidin'
And it all goes wrong because

Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're just a fool in love
Sometimes you're the Louisville Slugger
Sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together
Sometimes you're gonna lose it all

One day you got the glory and then you got none
One day you're a diamond and then you're a stone
Everything can change in the blink of an eye
So let the good times roll before we say goodbye because

Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're just a fool in love
Sometimes you're the Louisville Slugger
Sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together
Sometimes you're gonna lose it all

Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're just a fool in love

Took care of some business yesterday, including getting a 60-day extension on my tourist visa. My very tentative thinking is that between now and March 5, when I’m due to renew, I’ll take a trip out of the country, perhaps to Vietnam. We’ll see. I’ll be going to the mountain city of Baguio next month to participate in the La Union Hash Valentine’s run. I’ve been there twice before and enjoyed it. And I also want to plan a trip to Bohol sometime this month. It’s been at the top of my list of places I want to see in the Philippines since before the scamdemic. No more excuses now.

My shopping trip to Royal went without incident. The five sale items in my cart all rang up with the appropriate discount. I’ll keep watching, though.

I felt like crap all day, low energy, and lethargic. Took two naps without much result. Got out the thermometer and saw I was running a low-grade fever of 38.1C. Popped a couple of aspirins and got on with my life.

The only issue with my new drinking routine is that it costs me twice as much because my method is one shot of gin in a tall glass and a whole can of soda water to add to the mix. It’s worth it because it allows me to both reduce the strength of my drink and slows the rate of consumption some. I had a coupon for Green Room that gave me two free drinks if I bought a lady drink, so I actually saved money on that deal.

After Green Room, I crossed the highway and checked my barber and was actually able to take a chair!

A couple more drinks at IDM, three at Cheap Charlies, and a nightcap at Voodoo. I wasn’t drunk, and it wasn’t even 8:00 yet, but I’d had enough, so I called it a night.

It’s probably too early to call this significant news, but I have been chatting with a woman I “met” on Facebook. An interesting gal who seems smart and witty. She also told me she likes to hike. I’m intrigued and want to learn more.

Gen is studying Korean because she hopes to find work there as an OFW. That would be consistent with my luck–I moved to the Philippines from Korea to find a woman, meet her, and then she moves to Korea. But that’s getting way ahead of myself. She did offer to be my tutor if I wanted to learn Tagalog.

We had a funny exchange in our chat last night. She asked me where I was, and I truthfully answered, “It Doesn’t Matter.” She responded, “okay, sorry to have asked.” I was laughing at her reaction and sent her this picture:

I guess Gen still didn’t get it because she wrote, “maybe it is better if you just say it’s none of my business.” Alright, I explained again that it was the name of the bar I was at, and I thought it was funny how she reacted. She finally understood and said it was funny but also reiterated that she didn’t mean to intrude on my privacy; she was just checking in on me. A bit of a red flag, perhaps, but we moved on and continued a pleasant chat throughout the evening.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to learning more about Gen when we meet in person next week.

Speaking of Facebook and the passage of time, I shared this on my page:

I thought it was kinda funny in a sad way, but my old friend Jeremy left this comment:

Yeah. People say shit that they don’t mean all the time, especially when they’re drunk, high, or otherwise intoxicated. Of course, in the first several months of any relationship, the love chemical, oxytocin, that the body produces is going to be in excess. Hence, the expression ‘drunk in love’. In fact, researchers have found that oxytocin make lovers feel positive drunk-like effects such as being relaxed, happy, and more confident as well as the negative effects such as aggression, jealousy, and arrogance.

However, this is necessary for the human propagation as a species. If we didnt have oxytocin, then we’d probably never mate (willingly). It just happens that many, especially the young (or inexperienced) don’t understand the thoughts and feelings that accompany the increase in oxytocin, so they say stupid shit like the above. To avoid having negative thoughts about the people who say such nonsense, it’s good to understand that they’re voicing an inebriated fantasy rather than making a sober, analyzed decision. This will make it hurt less IF forever doesn’t last until death did you part.

That sounds more cynical than even I’ve become, although I guess the “inebriated fantasy” is a shoe that might fit me. I tried to lighten the mood by asking, “Do you need a prescription for oxytocin? I could use some right about now.” It didn’t work:

you can get a prescription for oxytocin. However, studies suggest that it might be bad for those suffering from anxiety and depression, but you can also increase it naturally by physical touch (doesn’t need to be sexual, but it can result from masturbation), social interaction, massages, petting animals… basically, being generally happy. However, alcohol isn’t conducive to happiness from the standpoint of the physical body. You might feel good due to the inebriation, but it increases cortisol, a stress hormone, anxiety, depression, etc.

The exercise that you do (long hikes) is great for increasing your oxytocin levels, but all your gains are nullified by all of the alcohol consumption, both from a physical and mental standpoint.

All I could say to that was, “oh well, I guess I’m doomed.”

I do have some love in my life; they even like to take a morning walk with me.

And that’s about all I’ve got for today’s post about the third.

Started out with my Standard Solitary Sunday Stroll, watched the sun go down from Baloy Beach, and finished my evening in the company of a beautiful young woman. Then I went home alone. Let’s go back in time in reverse chronological order.

My buddy Ron messaged me with an invite to join him at McCoy’s on Baloy. A change of scenery is a good thing now and then, and I hadn’t been there since last year (damn, that line never gets old, does it?).

Nothing special about the morning hike, although I hadn’t walked that far since last year. (okay, I’ll stop now. Promise!)

I decided to take a photograph of the different roads and paths I walked along the way. Warning: these are pretty boring.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Actually, it’s a little more pleasant on Relive, so have at it if you are a glutton for punishment.

Yesterday was also the fifth anniversary of the beginning of my Hash career. I was visiting from Korea in preparation for my planned move five months later. Here are some photos from that historic event:

Good times.

And finally, I mentioned in an earlier post about being impressed by a Queen Vic dancer named Irish. The SOB sponsor has some pictures up, and I wanted to share a couple of her in action.

So, that’s how my year started out. Here’s to keeping all that positive momentum going!

…and in with the new. Well, the year didn’t end with a bang (I went home alone as usual), but by my low standards, it was a nice last night on the roller coaster called 2022.

Here’s how I ended the year. I needed a cash infusion, so I walked the 6K to the ATM in Subic town. After waiting in line, the first machine was out of cash, so I got in line for the second. I settled for 10,000 pesos (rather than the 20,000 I prefer) the machine was willing to dispense. Hopefully, that will get me through the weekend, but I burned through a lot of cash last night.

Just how did I spend over $100 in a single night? Glad you asked! It started with the feeding at Hideaway Bar. Seeing as how it was the night we celebrate the passing of a year, I wanted to do something a little out of the ordinary food-wise. So, I went to the Jewel cafe and ordered an eclectic mix of food items: spaghetti and meatballs, pork chops, pork sisig, and fried chicken. I also brought along the chocolate cake I’d baked at home. The gals loved the food, and caught up in the spirit of the moment, I rang the bell, thereby purchasing a lady drink for all the crew. Happy New Year!

Joy also gave me a homemade New Year’s card, which was a first for me.

I played a game of pool for the first time in forever and lost as usual. I was impressed with how well Joy plays, though. I guess it comes with working in a bar.

When I departed Hideaway, I planned on dropping in at Blue Butterfly, but as I approached, I changed my mind and walked on by. Instead, I climbed the stairs to Cheap Charlies and spent some time with one of my favorites there, Maya.

I actually told Maya about my idea of hiring a girlfriend, and she seemed to think it was doable. I asked her if there was anyone in the bar she’d recommend, and she didn’t hesitate before answering, “no.” Anyway, I’m only half serious about the concept, but I’m keeping my options open.

I had intended to go to Whiskey Girl as my next stop but was surprised to discover they were closed on a Saturday night and New Year’s Eve to boot. Then I looked across the street and saw that Queen Victoria was also closed. New Year’s here is not a party day but a family day, and I guess all the girls want to be home with loved ones–to hell with their favorite customers! Heh, I don’t blame them.

So, I was out of options. And Snackbar is conveniently located next to the nearest trike stand, so that’s where I went to continue my holiday beer-drinking revelry. They had a party going on, that’s for sure. Jenn joined me for drinks; then I bought some for my other old favorites (Lydell wasn’t working). The owner greeted me warmly, and it felt *almost* like old times.

I hadn’t been there since the aborted Christmas party, so I was presented the gift I had walked out on:

There was a raffle, and my ticket was drawn for this:

So, I wound up staying past my bedtime, but not so late that I couldn’t be safe and sound asleep in my bed at midnight. Probably a good thing; when I woke a little after one to pee, I could still hear the celebration noises outside.

So, here we are on day one of the new year, or more aptly perhaps, the first day of the rest of my life. And one of my goals is to extend that life long enough to continue to enjoy as many New Year’s celebrations as possible. To that end, I’ve resolved to focus more on my health and, hopefully, find fixes for my two major issues–chronic sinus congestion and my COPD. I suspect the two may be related. The lungs are especially concerning–these past couple of nights; I’ve experienced shortness of breath while simply walking between bars. That’s reminiscent of my pre-diagnosis days, and I’m worried that my condition may be getting worse. So, I’ll be making an appointment with my doctor for a consultation and referral for tests/X-rays to find out what is going on.

My other resolution is to exercise some self-discipline. I don’t think it is any secret that I’ve totally let myself go. I hadn’t even bothered to step on the scale for months before I did this morning. I’ve seen the pictures, and my beer belly is ridiculous. But it is not just the beer. After a night of drinking, I go home and gorge myself on ice cream and other sweet treats. I don’t want to go back to where I was as a morbidly obese man weighing 270 pounds. That brings with it a whole other host of potential health problems. I actually wonder if my breathing may be impacted by the extra pounds as well.

Anyway, self-discipline will start at the grocery store–I’m not going to purchase items that are going to tempt me to go off-diet. And I’m giving up the beer for a while, although Monday’s Hash will be a cheat day out of necessity (it’s all that is offered). Now, I’m not saying I’m giving up drinking; I’m just going back to my gin and soda days and the low-carb lifestyle. I’ll eat and drink more responsibly and do an informal intermittent fasting routine.

So, I’ll be weighing in every Sunday morning until I achieve my weight reduction goal (or die trying). My target is 195. Today the scale told me I weigh 225.3 pounds. Yeah, Wow, I was surprised I was that far gone too. How long will it take to lose 30 pounds? I guess we are about to find out.

Here’s my message for 2023: Bring it on, bitch! I’m going to make this life I’m living the best it can be. Let’s see how that works out for me.