Category Archives: Me, me, me

So far today

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I cleaned my apartment (even the toilets), did laundry, picked up my dry cleaning, stopped at the commissary for groceries, and bought 4 DVDs in Itaewon. Special huh?

So, I bought The Magnificent Seven, Hitch, Crash, and A Dirty Shame. Only one I’ve seen is Mag 7, so I’ll have to find out if I chose wisely. At five bucks a pop I figure I’m not out much if they suck. Of course, I’m assuming they will be watchable, it’s always kind of hit and miss when you buy from vendows on the street.

Well, I reckon I’ll go watch one then take a nap so I will be ready for my big night on the town. I’ll probably hate myself in the morning for the soju shots I anticipate will be forced down my throat, but you are only 50 once I suppose.

Happy Birthday to me….

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Today I turn 50. Hard to imagine, I still have so much to figure out. Well, having a birthday sure beats the alternative…

Anyway, my agenda today includes laundry and grocery shopping. Tonight my military buddies Jeff and Scott are convinced they are going to get me drunk. They say no wussie beer, you are doing shots. If that is the case, it will be an early night.

I don’t have any great insights upon achieving this milestone. I feel mostly just very alone, but I am dealing with it. I will not succumb to sadness on this day. I promise!

To those I love, know I am with you in my heart and wishing we could share this occasion.

And the seasons, they go round and round
and the painted ponies go up and down.
We’re captured on the carousel of time.
We can’t return, we can only look behind from where we came
and go round and round and round
in the circle game.

—Joni Mitchell

And so begins the task….

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Some things in life just don’t turn out the way we had imagined or intended. And sometimes the consequences for actions and bad decisions are harsh. Hell, devastating. The past few weeks I’ve felt my life spinning out of control and I have felt powerless to do a thing about it. I’m a dreaming man, and dreams for me die hard.

So I have been incredibly sad. Full of regret and remorse and a fair amount of self-loathing.

But that doesn’t change a thing. I have to take responsibility for my mistakes, just as I also must take responsibility for my life, such as it is. I am powerless to change the past. And I can not live in the past.

What I have is today and an uncertain future. And even as I struggle to deal with the overwhelming sense of loss, I have come to recognize that what I make of that future is within my control. I get to choose how I react to these changes. I can continue being the only guest at my pity party, or I can make the best of my situation and strive for happiness. Even in my current state of mind, I recognize being happy is the appropriate path to choose.

So the journey begins, and it begins in darkness. But I have to believe in the promise of a new sunrise and I have to have faith that I can find my way. It may not lead me to the future I had planned and dreamed about, but there will be new adventures, discoveries, and maybe new dreams along the way.

And I have a map of sorts. Or at least words of wisdom to guide me. I went back and looked at the Easter post from Kevin at Big Hominid. I found it inspiring at that time, now I consider it words to live by. And it is certainly worth sharing with you again:

Since I and a few people I know are all going through a painful period, each of us for various reasons, I thought it might be good to write about “putting it down.”

In Zen Buddhism, the maxim is “don’t make anything.” Your mind is so often the source of your troubles. You choose to face the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune either negatively or positively. Often, at the beginning of a troublesome period in your life, it is difficult to realize how responsible you are for your own choices. It’s easier to shift blame to your surroundings. But ultimately, the healthiest route out of the forest of troubles is to start by looking in a mirror. Behold what’s actually there; don’t needlessly manufacture problems for yourself and others.

I’m not a scriptural literalist, so I don’t believe Jesus rose from the dead. But the story of the passion and resurrection nevertheless holds power for me, because it’s a story about a man who put everything down, including his own life, for the sake of love. How many of us can claim to be ready and willing to do something like that? Not many, I suspect.

Most of us, like little children, cling desperately to our cherished notions, preconceptions, and delusions, unwilling to countenance truth and change. We face the world with fear, and create clever rationales for our spiritual cowardice. In a crisis period, this instinct intensifies. The ego swells to enormous size– everything is about getting hurt, everything is about me, me, me. The world doesn’t understand my pain, and only I am in pain!

I’ve felt like that before. I’ve looked out at a street full of people and wondered why they didn’t see my agony, which was plain as day to me. The world kept right on turning, resisting my egocentric interpretation of it.

And there’s a lesson in that. Life is change, ceaseless change. All we have is this moment. If we try to keep the past with us, we merely create more suffering for ourselves. If we try to hold on to our anger, or our hurt, or whatever it is we’re feeling, we poison ourselves.

It’s better simply to put it all down.

People need time to do this. It can’t be done immediately. If, for example, you’ve just experienced a family tragedy, you can’t be expected to act like the Taoist writer Chuang-tzu, banging on pots and celebrating your wife’s death. No; most of us need time to mourn, grieve, recover. But after that period, we should be ready and willing to move on with our lives, to follow the constant flow of the river.

You can’t see the new life of Easter if you’re always looking backward. Easter points simultaneously to the present and to the future, to hope and happiness and fulfillment. Think positively. Embrace goodness where you find it. Actively seek the good, don’t wait passively for it.

So my goal is to achieve mastery of “putting it down” and trying to avoid the traps of dwelling in the past. My mantra is “forward thinking, John”. And I repeat that to myself everytime I feel my mind pulling backwards into the world of loss and remorse.

And I also want to say thanks. Being in Korea at this particular moment of my life has been difficult. I have no friends or family here and that can be trying in the best of circumstances. And although I have not had the energy to do much posting these past few weeks, I have gotten emails and comments of support from many of you. I was especially moved by the kind words of bloggers I have never met, and yet we share some connection from sharing our lives through words on a blog. Thanks Nomad and Raven. And Susan and Jim and everyone else who are pulling for me, know that your support means a lot. Your caring and concern are like candles in the darkness, and give me confidence that I will eventually find my way.

I even heard from an old friend that I have talked to once in the last 30 years. Larry is an amazing individual (you can get a sense of what he is about in his comment (number 7 in the post below). At the end he challenges me to live an extraordinary life. Which was ironic, because the same day he posted his comment I had heard those words while watching Dead Poets Society. Well, I’ll be 50 this year, so extraordinary may be out of reach. But at least I can make it interesting.

I’ll keep you posted along the way.

Doing better

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Just wanted to let everyone know I am doing better. Thanks to all for the kind words and support.

Lots of stuff happening at work and that is keeping it all very interesting. Nothing I can talk about here, but I am enjoying my work more these days.

In the non-work life there is not much to report. I got drafted to play in the Itaewon pool league. Which if you have seen me play pool would make you laugh. Seems a warm body that can’t shoot straight is better than a forfeit, although I’m not convinced. I played in my first match Wednesday night against Seoul Pub. Of course, I got soundly beaten but I accomplished my goal of not totally embarassing myself. Although I missed some shots I should have made, I never missed the ball I was shooting at, and that happens pretty frequently in my practice games. The guy I was playing was like the team captain for Seoul Pub and he was mercifully quick at cleaning my clock. Ok, I only had 3 balls on the table when he dispatched me (although he inadvertantly holed one of mine). Anyway, it was nice to meet some new people and I have continued to practice. I am slightly improved, but have a long way to go.

I invited my friends from Sweet Caroline’s over for a good ol’ All-American cookout Monday evening (only time everyone is off work, seems not all soldiers get weekends off, go figure). I’m looking forward to that. Menu: T-bone steaks, cobbed corn, sweet taters, beans, and salad. For entertainment I am going to show Team America: World Police. Sounds like fun, eh?

The Bridge

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The bridge, we’ll build it now
It may take a lot of time
And it maybe lonely but
Ooh baby, ooh baby.

The bridge was falling down
And that took a lot of lies
And it made me lonely
Ooh baby, ooh baby.

The bridge was falling.
The bridge was falling.
The bridge was falling.

One day, when you talked to me
I saw myself again
And it made me love you.
Ooh baby, ooh baby.

And love came running down
Like a river on your skin
And you let me in.
Ooh babe, ooh babe.

You let me in
You let me in
You let me in

The bridge, we’ll build it now
It may take a lot of time.

–Neil Young

Isn’t life strange?

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Isn’t life strange
A turn of the page
Can read like before
Can we ask for more?
Each day passes by
How hard man will try?
The sea will not wait

You know it makes me want to cry, cry, cry –
Wished I could be in your heart
To be one with your love
Wished I could be in your eyes
Looking back there you were, and here we are.

Isn’t love strange
A word we arrange
With no thought or care
Maker of despair
Each breath that we breathe
With love we must weave
To make us as one
You know it makes me want to cry, cry, cry –

Wished I could be in your heart
To be one with your love
Wished I could be in your eyes
Looking back there you were, and here we are.

Isn’t life strange
A turn of the page
A book without light
Unless with love we write;
To throw it away
To lose just a day
The quicksand of time
You know it makes me want to cry, cry, cry –

Wished I could be in your heart
To be one with your love
Wished I could be in your eyes
Looking back there you were:

–Moody Blues

Sorry

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I’m sorry I was so cryptic in my last post. I’m dealing with some issues in my personal life that will require all my energy for awhile. Posts here will likely be infrequent. Don’t worry, I intend to get through this, but it is something I am going to have to do alone.

Your kind wishes and prayers are always appreciated.

Thanks for understanding.

Checkin’ in

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Everything is fine. Busy with work and just have not been devoting myself to writing here. I’ve been distracted with a pretty interesting game of Civ. I’m playing as the Egyptians and right now my biggest threat (and only remaining country on the continent) is Korea. Ironic, huh? We are maintaining a peaceful coexistence thus far (in fact, we allied against the Sumerians and eliminated them). The Koreans are more technologically advanced, have a larger army, and are starting to get a little aggressive in their dealings with me. It’s early and I can catch up if I can maintain the peace for a while longer. My big problem is a lack of resources. I’m having to import horses from the Dutch and they are charging a hefty price (spices and ivory). I don’t like having to rely on the Dutch (we fought a brief war earlier in the game that they started) but with my next technology advance I will be able to build calvary, so I need the horses. If I can build up enough calvary units before the Koreans decide to attack, my superior tactics (AI does not generally do well on offense) should let me survive. We’ll see.

I have some pictures from the rooftop I took last weekend to post, and I will get to that soon. And yes, I do miss my time here at LTG, so that is a good sign that I am going to be back with some commentary on current events one of these days.

Today we are having a spring cleanup day at the office, plus we are having a going away picnic for Lori, our admin person. I baked oatmeal cookies and brownies last night to take. I’m also in charge of the grill. Best part is I get to wear my jeans to work. And it’s Friday!

Thanks for visiting and please come back. It’s just a slump, and I’m liable to hit a homerun when I break out.

Under Construction

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It is not a lack of time (oh, I have hours and hours of that) that has kept me from posting. Something more insidious. A lack of inspiration. My recent posts have all been crap, and I do want to be more than a link whore.

I sometimes feel disconnected from events at home and certainly know that others are covering those topics much more capably than I could hope to. And other than the weekends when I try and find something new to see or do, my life outside of work is just your standard hanging around the house routine. It’s hard enough to live that, I wouldn’t subject you to reading it.

So, I am rethinking where I might put the focus for LTG. If it ain’t interesting to me, it won’t be to y’all either. And I never want this blog to become a chore to write (or read). So I’m taking a breather right now. Don’t worry. I’m fine and I will be back.

Easy on the mind

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I ran Long Time Gone through a readability check and got the following results:

Readability Results for http://johnmccrarey.com
Readability ResultsSummary Value
Total sentences 674
Total words 7,889
Average words per Sentence 11.70
Words with 1 Syllable 5,304
Words with 2 Syllables 1,526
Words with 3 Syllables 751
Words with 4 or more Syllables 308
Percentage of word with three or more syllables 13.42%
Average Syllables per Word 1.50
Gunning Fog Index 10.05
Flesch Reading Ease 67.97
Flesch-Kincaid Grade 6.69
Interpreting the Results

Philip Chalmers of Benefit from IT provided the following typical Fog Index scores, to help ascertain the readability of documents.
Typical Fog Index Scores Fog Index Resources
6 TV guides, The Bible, Mark Twain
8 Reader’s Digest
8 – 10 Most popular novels
10 Time, Newsweek
11 Wall Street Journal
14 The Times, The Guardian
15 – 20 Academic papers
Over 20 Only government sites can get away with this, because you can’t ignore them.
Over 30 The government is covering something up

Ok, apparently I didn’t get docked for bad spelling. And I guess writing at the level of Time and Newsweek works for me. Especially since LTG is free from liberal bias!

Of course, I ought to be writing something profound instead of taking these tests, but then again, filler qualifies as content. And a post is a post, no?

Alright, y’all deserve better. It’s coming. I can feel it.

UPDATE: Hmm, I just realized that when I had LTG scanned, it would have included the quoted portions from other sources. Maybe I just dumbed them down with my own words. Well, as long as you as you keep coming back, who cares if I write at a TV Guide level….

Still here

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Sorry I have not been posting like I should. I have been busier than usual at work this week and just haven’t had the energy at night to get fired up enough to post on current events. Bear with me…..

I did catch some of the Dodgers-Diamondbacks game last night. Again, having a Korean on the roster will get some television coverage. Sadly, Mr. Choi struck out in a key situation.

I’m hearing thunder outside this morning so it looks like my plan to walk in to work today is in jeopardy.

I am very excited about the pending arrival of the person I hired to fill a key vacancy on my staff. She’s a person I have know for several years and in addition to being highly qualified she is good people. I’m looking forward to introducing her to the Korea experience and her enthusiasm this adventure is very refreshing.

That’s my news this morning.

I’m a star…

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Well, maybe not a star, but I have been on television twice in the three months I’ve been here. Admittedly, they were bit parts, but you have got to start somewhere, right? The first time was when SBC broadcast the wedding of my boss to a Korean woman. I was a face in the crowd for three or four seconds. Still, the barkeeps at Tiffany’s and Sweet Caroline’s both mentioned seeing me. Hey, you can’t buy that kind of face recognition.

My latest television exposure comes courtesy of the Armed Forces Network (AFN). As you might recall, I attended LT GEN Campbell’s press conference where he broke the news that unless the ROK ponied up some more cash, we would be laying off 1000 Korean employees. Someone sent me the video clip of the AFN news report of that event, and about one minute into it they capture me hanging on Campbell’s every word (while chewing on my pen). Well, I am thankful I was not doing something even more disgusting.

So, if you want to see me on TV here’s a link.

No autographs please, I want to remain just a regular guy (albeit famous).

A visit to the clinic

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Saw my first Korean doc yesterday. Dr. Kim (what are the odds?). Used the International Clinic in Itaewon. Everyone I encountered spoke decent English, which is good. It was like going to a “doc in the box” back in the States, although rather than make sit and wait they gave me a time to come back, which I appreciated.

They did the weight and blood pressure thing then I had my “interview” with Dr. Kim. Not exactly an examination in the sense I’m used to. He sat at his computer, asked some questions, typed in my responses, had a perfunctory look at the problem areas, then gave me a referral to another doc for one problem, and some meds for another. Took less than 10 minutes. And 73000 WON.

Not to worry, there is nothing wrong with me that is going to be fatal (beyond the fact that I seem to be aging rapidly). Just some irksome things that are occasionally painful that I’m wanting to nip in the bud so to speak.

Big day coming up at work and I really need to be productive. Which is my way of saying adios for now. Oh wait, make that anyonghee gaesayo.

What I do

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ARMY CIVILIAN CREED

I am an Army Civilian – a member of the Army Team

I am dedicated to the Army, its Soldiers and Civilians

I will always support the mission

I provide stability and continuity during war and peace

I support and defend the Constitution of the United States
and consider it an honor to serve the Nation and its Army

I live the Army values of Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service,
Honor, Integrity, and Personal Courage

I am an Army Civilian