I don’t think I’ve done that before!

Thanks for giving me the strength!

And I’m all set for the holiday season!

Fa la la la, la la la!

A friend told me “just relax, things could always be worse.” So I relaxed and sure enough, things got worse.

Yesterday afternoon I went to the Good Morning hospital in Pyeongtaek.  Yeah, I know, what kind of name is that for a hospital?  Anyway, I went to see a urologist.  It seems I either have to pee all the time or I have a hard time going at all.  My concern was my prostate.  My older brother had cancer of the prostate and I was hoping to avoid going down that road.

Anyway, the doctor took some blood to do a PSA screening for cancer, stuck a probe up my ass (which hurt like hell), had me do a urine volume test, and finally an ultrasound on my bladder.  And then he gave me the news:

Benign prostate hyperplasia (BPH).  That’s fancy talk for an enlarged prostate gland.  I don’t do things in a small way, the doc says they usually begin treatment at 20 cms and above.  I came in at 43 cms.  Oh well, the symptoms are manageable and I’ve got some new pills to swallow every night that are supposed to help.

I asked the doctor about the cancer thing and was told he wouldn’t have the results on that until the following day.  So, I called at lunch and was told to call back at 3:30.  I called then and got the news.  Something I never expect to hear in reference to myself.  Yes, it turns out that I am normal.  Go figure.

So I guess that things can be worse after all.  I’m obviously very relieved to know that I’m going to be able to keep fucking and fucking up for the foreseeable future.

I reckon I ought to get on with it then.

Waiting to see what happens next!

Ah well, moving forward I suppose.  Regaining my perspective.  

In a different world I’d be writing something exciting from Hong Kong.  In this world you get to hear about me.  

And I’m back in full acceptance mode:

Accept that the past is the past, learn from your mistakes and move on.

Accept that it hurts to lose, but embrace the opportunity to find a woman truly worthy of my love.

Accept that old dreams die, but new dreams and adventures are waiting to be embraced.

I will not deny that I’ve been battling the onset of depression.  But I have not been fighting it alone.  I have often felt like the proverbial solitary man, and then I discovered just how many people actually do care about me.

One friend reminded me that I have a beautiful life.  I asked for an example of the beauty in my life.  And then she told me the story of how I didn’t give my daughter up for adoption.  That really blew me away.  First of all, I don’t even remember ever telling her about that amazing day all those years ago.  Or that she cared enough to actually remember it.  And yes, that decision I made as a 20 year old “man” has made all the difference in my beautiful life.  Thank you, Mi Young.

Two women that have loved me in the past and suffered because of it continually reached out with words of encouragement and support.  I’m a stubborn bastard and tend to have to learn things the hard way, but it means a lot to me that they didn’t give up on me.  Even if I deserve this Karmic justice. Thank you, Eva and Maria.

And I have had many friends who read my blog tell me “Kevin Kim is right.  Listen to him!”  So, thanks for that as well, Kevin.

I considered spending the holiday weekend in Bangkok (it’s too soon for the Philippines right now, but I’ll be celebrating the New Year there).  In the end I just didn’t have the energy to make the journey.  I’m going to spend the time instead getting comfortable with my new reality.  

It’s a beautiful life.  Time to start the next chapter.

Well it’s all right, even if they say you’re wrong
Well it’s all right, sometimes you gotta be strong
Well it’s all right, As long as you got somewhere to lay
Well it’s all right, everyday is Judgment Day

Maybe somewhere down the road aways 
You’ll think of me, wonder where I am these days 
Maybe somewhere down the road when somebody plays 
Purple haze

Well it’s all right, even if you’re old and gray
Well it’s all right, you still got something to say
Well it’s all right, remember to live and let live
Well it’s all right, the best you can do is forgive

Well it’s all right, riding around in the breeze
Well it’s all right, if you live the life you please
Well it’s all right, even if the sun don’t shine
Well it’s all right, we’re going to the end of the line

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwqhdRs4jyA

The week ended like it had begun.

Against the advice of the vast majority of my friends, I stayed in the fight for Loraine’s heart.  She was clearly conflicted and torn between two loves.  We did a three hour video chat Saturday morning, and when we finished Loraine said she wanted to share a life with me.

I was ecstatic and throughout the remainder of the day we exchanged messages about our future plans and she said several times how happy she was.  I even joked about how every Saturday we were in love again but from now on every day would be Saturday. We were going to meet in Hong Kong next week to celebrate our love.

And then late last night she sent me a message.  “I’m sorry, I love Kev more than you” . And then she blocked me on Facebook.

I walked right into that sucker punch again.  And it hurts.  But, at least now I know I did everything in my power to fight for the love I had discovered in my heart.  And I lost the fight.  But at least now I have closure. I wish Loraine and Kev all that they deserve in the future.

I averaged over 20,000 steps each day this week trying to calm my emotions, including a three hour trek to Pyeongtaek this morning.  In the good news department I’ve now lost over 12 pounds in a week.  I don’t recommend the broken heart diet plan however.

This too shall pass.

Leave it to the esteemed Kevin Kim to see right through my bullshit and slap me in the face with reality:

Well… that’s why I privately suggested someone ugly—or a guy—as your caretaker. If you truly are done with the love thing, then it shouldn’t matter to you whom you hire. If, on the other hand, you really are looking for the potential for romance, then you’ll have to be honest with yourself about that fact and include it as a possibility in whatever writeup you create for your online profile. My intuition is that, if you’re still looking for a good-looking woman to be your caretaker, you want much more than an employee. In terms of breaking the samsaric cycle, I see two ways: (1) be honest that what you’re really looking for is a life-companion who can offer you love along with support, or (2) be true to the idea that you’ve sworn off the love thing, having been hurt too many times—and really stick with that mindset. Either of these paths is better than the one that leads right back to the same pain.

I’m reminded of the hilarious foot-massage dialogue between Jules and Vincent in “Pulp Fiction”: Jules tries to argue that foot massages don’t mean anything, that they’re perfectly innocent, but Vincent traps him by asking, “Would you give a guy a foot massage?” Jules has no argument, so his response is, “Fuck you.” No matter how much we fool ourselves, foot massages mean something every time we give them.

But when I read this:

“Truth is I’m really not ready to engage emotionally with anyone until I’ve worked my way through the betrayal of Loraine.”

—I get the feeling that “emotional engagement” is indeed the thing you’re looking for. For whatever reason, you’re convinced that you can’t hack this life alone, that you need a companion, not merely an assistant. If that’s the case, then you CAN’T stipulate that your next caretaker needs to understand there’s no potential for love/romance because there obviously is. So whatever you’re looking for will not be a strictly employer-employee thing, and whichever woman you finally select will need to know that. The lady might end up being a Machiavellian gold-digger, but she still deserves honesty.

My two scents, said the skunk.

Damn.  I see that I simply replaced one four letter word, “love”, with another, “care”.  Bottom line is I do want to be loved and cared for.  To have that, I’m going to have to risk feeling this way again in the future.  Is it worth it?  I don’t know yet.

Thanks, Kevin.

Ah. Bored today at lunch so I found a facebook group called foreigners looking for a Filipina.  What the hell, why not?  So I posted this:

My Filipina just broke my heart. Time for me to move on. I will be retiring to the PI in May 2018 (Olongapo area). Hope to meet someone who wants to take care of me and I will take care of her. Loyalty and honesty are my primary requirements. Anyone interested?

Might have been a mistake.  So far I have 477 “likes” on that post, half as many comments, and over 100 friend requests.  A little scary and reeking of desperation.  Probably should have just stuck to the dating websites.  I’m not about to “friend” a bunch of random strangers on FB.  Still, who knew I could be so popular?

Another day in the process of moving forward.  Truth is I’m really not ready to engage emotionally with anyone until I’ve worked my way through the betrayal of Loraine.  It’s going to take some time I think.  Who can you trust?

I don’t know how I’ll get her off my mind – but give me time
I’ll think of something
I can’t say today that I’m all right – but by tonight
I’ll think of something
I’ll find so many things to do that I wont have the time to think of her
And then if she’s still on my mind I’ll try to drink enough to drown the hurt
And if that don’t work 
I’ll think of something

This will be the final post in the series about the fuck over I received from Loraine.  Yesterday I once again expressed to her all that I felt for her, told her again that she had made the wrong choice, and gave her a final opportunity to change her mind.  Now or never I said.  By her lack of response, she chose never.  I gave her that chance because I didn’t want there to be any doubt about how I felt and where the blame lies. I’ve blocked her on messenger and no longer care to hear whatever she may have to say about us.  And I certainly don’t want to hear her painful entreaties when Kev proves to be the liar I believe him to me.  Heh, they deserve each other in that regard.

It has been a gut-wrenching past few days.  Haven’t completely got my mind around it yet, but I hope I’m grasping the lessons this whole sad affair was meant to teach me.  And it has been amazing to see all the people who have reached out to me with heart felt advice and support.  It really helped me get my mind right and gain some perspective.

Perhaps most impressive was hearing from two Filipina women who have loved me in the past.  I am so thankful that despite the pain I caused them, they still care about me.  I count them among the small handful of friends I maintain in this life.  Here is some of their advice:

Its like you are giving her the power of prolonging the agony if you remember her. Choose to be in control and avoid entertaining memories.

There are many who will gladly accept the pay you gave Loraine. Maybe the next one will be loyal.

Choose to be tough  There it is. An opportunity.

Its not really the person that will make it hard to move on, its more of the memories and the plans you had in the future with her that makes it harder.

Still reeling, but better today than yesterday and hopefully not as good as tomorrow.  Had a long walk yesterday afternoon, drank too many beers, then had a mostly decent sleep.  23,000 more steps today (so far). Still have no appetite, but I’m down 8 pounds since Sunday, so I will take that result.

I’ve really been touched by people reaching out to me through email and private messages to offer comfort and advice.  Most of which is to move on, telling me I can do better.   I have no choice but to move on and perhaps one day I will find an honest and loyal woman to share my life.  That’s really the most important thing, having someone I can depend on.  Loraine’s betrayal was especially devastating because it proved that I am a much poorer judge of character than I thought I was.  Who can you trust if you can’t trust yourself?

I appreciate the comments here on the blog.  I also posted my story on a Philippines expat forum and have gotten quite a lot of feedback.  Most of them saying to forget Loraine and find someone younger and kinder.  Many of them are very critical of her and her actions towards me.  And quite a few share my opinion that Kev will not follow through on his promises.  They expect Karma will exact its toll on Loraine and when she realizes her mistake she’ll want me to take her back.  I’ve been urged to not even consider doing so.  If she came to me right now I probably would.  If she waits until Kev is gone, I would not.  I don’t expect her to be back.

I actually miss Loraine very much.  The morning greeting and chats throughout the day were something I guess I had taken for granted.  Shame on me.  I do love her and wish her no ill will.  I don’t think Kev was the right choice, but I hope I’m wrong about his true intentions.  

So, in the moving on department.  I’m going to go back to the Filipina Cupid dating site, update my profile and begin my search for a new tour guide/caregiver.  I plan to celebrate the New Year in the PI and would prefer not to do it alone.  Yeah, I could rent a girl from a bar I suppose, but that is really not my thing.  We’ll see.

I had met a Filipina-American named Joy who works on base a couple of weeks ago.  Just friends at the bar, but we had planned on having dinner last Sunday (before Loraine became my girlfriend for a day).  Obviously, that date didn’t happen.  But Joy has been sending an occasional message during the day to check on how I’m doing.  I appreciate that she cares enough to do that.  So I’m thinking maybe when I get back on my feet I will see if I can get some Joy in my life.

It’s a start.

Walking my blues away. It didn’t work yesterday. I’ll try again today.

In my long and storied history of failed love relationships, none were shorter than the one with Loraine, which lasted all of about 24 hours.

On Saturday we had chatted and expressed our excitement with our new boyfriend/girlfriend status.  We exchanged some email, the last of which from Loraine stated:

My dearest John.I am very happy and yes.We need to be strong and face the challenges to keep our relationship work and keep the love more stronger. I Love You more John.

The lonely and barren road to future. Whatever that may be.

In the beginning.  New Year’s Eve 2016.

I’ve written about my caregiver Loraine here before, I guess most recently in a post called “Paying it Forward”. A woman I truly admire and respect.

Unfortunately, I had to let her go.

When I first employed Loraine I made it clear that I was never going to love again.  If she was looking for love she needed to keep on looking.  She told me that her family was all the love she needed and she wanted the job.  And so I prepared a formal employment contract and the deal was done.

Frankly, it was wonderful having her as my tour guide and caregiver on my recent journeys to the PI.  I paid to send her to massage therapy school and she is currently enrolled in a caregiver certification course.  She seems to be doing well with her studies and is happy for the opportunity.  And I was looking forward to a future where I could benefit from that training.

When I’m not in the Philippines Loraine has provided care and comfort by keeping track of my blood pressure readings, sending me health tips she finds on the internet, greeting me in the morning and sending me messages during the day and evening to let me know someone is this great big world was thinking of me.

And then earlier this month on our visit to Boracay (a trip I made specifically to celebrate her birthday) she kept getting text messages from a guy in the UK named Kev.  She insisted there were just chat friends, but I suspected otherwise.

And sure enough, I noted that my contact with Loraine had diminished quite a bit.  I suspected something was going on, and those suspicions were confirmed when I discovered her “chat buddy” was in the Philippines to visit her.

Loraine told me that she needed love in her life and I could never give her that.  She wanted to take the opportunity to explore those feelings with Kev.  And then she proceeded to accuse me of having sexual relations with many women in Korea.  Ha! In my dreams!  Regular readers know just how empty and pathetic my life here is.

Well, her actions as described above violated the terms of her employment contract, although to be fair, seeing another man was not specifically included, but it was implied.  So, I had no choice but to terminate her employment.

And I’ll be damned.  Making that decision was very painful.  It made me face the fact that despite all my brave talk, I did in fact really care for her on an emotional level.  I had taken much comfort in thinking I would have her with me when I make my big move to the PI next year.  The prospect of losing her hurt me in the same way that losing a love does.  I don’t know how that can be when you have vowed to never love again, but there it was hitting me square between the eyes.  Whatever you call it, being emotionally attached to someone makes you vulnerable and subject to heartbreak.  I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up and face that fact.

So, I had a long talk with Loraine to let her know how I felt.  And then I fired her.

In other news, I have a new girlfriend.  Her name is Loraine.

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

My week in the Philippines allowed me to practice patience by accepting the fact that much there is not as it could or should be.  If you cannot accept that simple truth, you will be very unhappy living in “paradise”.  I’m still a work in progress in that regard, but I am getting better at “taking a deep breath, relaxing, and accepting the Filipino way”.

One afternoon as I sat drinking ice cold San Miguel Light beers beach side, it occurred to me that the concept of acceptance might have some applicability to what remains of my life here in Korea.  Accepting that things are not always as I would desire them to be doesn’t make my “problems” go away, but it allows at least some additional perspective that in the grand scheme of things those problems are relatively meaningless.  Certainly being in a poverty ridden third world country underscores that point.

I am not so naïve as to think that acceptance will equate to happiness, but I’d certainly settle for a little peace of mind.  Practically speaking, here’s how I see the concept of acceptance working:

1. Accept that the past is the past.  There’s no going back, there’s no fixing it, there’s nothing to be gained by feeling sad about what is lost.  It’s gone, let it be.
2.  Accept that negative thinking doesn’t make things better.  I spend a lot of time in my head pondering about what I don’t have, lamenting my solitary existence, wishing for something better.  It’s pointless.  Instead I want to focus my attention outwards, helping others where I can, and taking satisfaction in my existence making a positive difference for those I am able to touch.  That’s certainly my post-retirement plan, perhaps I can get a head start now.
3.  Accept that future plans are fraught with potential disappointment.  Instead, I’ll keep an open mind to whatever may lie ahead in life, while endeavoring to live in the moment.  As the old saying goes, “today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday”.  I’m going to seek to be satisfied with each day as it comes, knowing that a bad day will give way to a new day.

So, that’s the idea.  It’s in the early stages of implementation, but already I’ve noted that I can repel the sadness (more or less) by simply uttering “acceptance!”  People probably think I’m crazy when I do, but I can accept that.

To a Friend

I ask but one thing of you, only one,
That always you will be my dream of you;
That never shall I wake to find untrue
All this I have believed and rested on,
Forever vanished, like a vision gone
Out into the night. Alas, how few
There are who strike in us a chord we knew
Existed, but so seldom heard its tone
We tremble at the half-forgotten sound.
The world is full of rude awakenings
And heaven-born castles shattered to the ground,
Yet still our human longing vainly clings
To a belief in beauty through all wrongs.
O stay your hand, and leave my heart its songs!

–Amy Lowell

Why not start off with a little poetry to cleanse the palate?

But seriously, Anjeong-ri is proving to be unhealthy for me both emotionally and physically.  I continue to self-medicate with copious amounts of alcohol and I’m starting to feel the effects.  Need to slow down and pace myself so I can make it until May.  By god, I’ll do it or die trying!  Heh.

Anyway, I’m staying relatively busy and grounded at work.  Speaking of which, when I got my pay stub (well, leave and earnings statement which is posted on line) today I brought home a whopping $31 dollars and change.  My first thought was oh shit, they are paying me what I’m worth!  Then I remembered I work for the government and there is no such metric.  It seems that through some incompetence my original appointment expired on 3 September and somehow my re-appointment was never processed.  I’m told it is being “worked on” and I’ll get the money I’m owed sometime in the undefined future.

I keep extra in the checking account for contingencies such as this, so no doubt I will survive.