So yesterday was a bit out of the ordinary. Here’s how it went down:

I was feeling out of sorts to begin with, so after taking Buddy for a walk I just wasn’t motivated enough to get back on the road for another hour. Took a nap instead.

Having exhausted my supply on some of my prescription meds I needed to see a doctor so I could get refills. My recollection was that the clinic hours at Lourdes hospital were 1-5 p.m. No appointments, you see the doctor on a first come first served basis. Not ideal, but what are you gonna do?

While waiting for one o’clock to roll around I heard from Marissa via text. Not that unusual really. Since our breakup I get a “good morning” or “how are you?” type message almost everyday. Anyway, she told me she was feeling stressed. Her sister in Manila needed money for her sick child, but Marissa couldn’t help her and in fact she said she hadn’t even paid her own rent yet. Long story short, I offered her the equivalent of $100 to help get her through the crisis. I do have a “charity” budget and lately people I know in need have been the recipients. In a way I feel a little responsible for Marissa’s financial woes. When I had “boyfriend” status and was hanging out at Alley Cats all the time, her regular customers weren’t inclined to buy her drinks, the commissions from which is the sole source of her income. In fact, her best customer actually told her she was “fired” from him ever buying her drinks again. What a jerk! Anyway, one of my reasons for taking a break from Alley Cats was to give myself some space and for her to be able to re-establish some customer relationships. I hope that works out for her.

Made it to the hospital a little after one. I brought my helper Tere along to help me navigate through the getting in to see a doctor process. There were quite a few folks waiting in the lobby so I was afraid it would be a long wait, but I made it inside with the doc in less than an hour. The doctor was pleasant enough. Asked me if I was American and I acknowledged the fact. He told me he saw the name “McCrarey” and was hoping I wasn’t another Australian because he couldn’t understand their English. That made me chuckle. Anyway, we talked about my meds and their purpose (COPD and enlarged prostate). He changed one of my inhalers to a higher dose, saying it would work better for me in the humid climate of the Philippines. In fact, I had noticed that lung/breathing issues were somewhat exacerbated lately so hopefully this will help.

The hospital pharmacy had none of the three medications their clinic doctor had just prescribed, so I walked back into the major drug store in Barretto. They had two of the three, so I’ll need to find a bigger drugstore for the third I reckon.

Having completed my tasks for the day (I had a pot roast already cooking in the crockpot) I messaged Marissa to arrange the money handover. Decided to meet her at a nearby bar called Toucan which has a nice outdoor seating area. This was my first visit to this particular bar. I had seen on one of the internet forums that it had been for sale. Apparently, there is a new American owner now. Anyway, I’m sitting out there alone at one of the big tables, and several gents from inside came out to smoke. I was surprised they chose to sit at “my” table (there was another empty one) but hey, the more the merrier. They commenced to talking amongst themselves and an Aussie guy was saying what an asshole the new owner of Toucan was. An American (the owner of another bar called Dive Inn) responded that he was there in fact to warn the Toucan owner to tone it down before he wound up dead. Yeah, you don’t want to piss off the wrong people in this town, that’s for sure.

So about this time Marissa arrives and it turns out the Aussie knew her from her days working at a bar called General’s. I also learned that the Aussie bitching about the new Toucan owner was the former owner of Toucan. And the American Dive Inn bar owner used to own General’s. And he had previously fired Marissa and they hated each other. Fun times! Oh, and our waitress was trying to recruit Marissa to work there, bragging that she had made 1500 pesos for a one hour “barfine” (that means leaving the bar and fucking the customer, you know, prostitution). Understandably, Marissa preferred another venue so we moved on to Cheap Charlies for more beer.

A couple of beers later I was getting hungry but not feeling like going home for the pot roast I had prepared. So, off to Mango’s we went. I had some grilled Mahi Mahi which was quite excellent. Marissa had a Filipino dish–sizzling sisig. That was overcooked to the point of being blackened and ruined. Oh well, the beers were good. And we had a good talk about the issues that led to our relationship’s demise. I was feeling about finished at this point, but Marissa practically begged me to go with her to Alley Cats for “just one more beer”. Against my better judgement I finally relented and agreed.

I’m going to need to continue this story in part 2, either later tonight or tomorrow. I’ve got a “date” with the Treasure Island gals (Jessa, Kat, and Ru Ru) for dinner and a movie. Part 2 will be the most interesting part of my day, I promise!

See you here soon!

Well, they say when you get bucked off a horse you just have to pick yourself up and kill the motherfucker. Then you find a new horse to ride.

In that vein, I rejected Cherry’s attempt to reconcile and moved on to the next two dating site possibilities. Had dinner last night with Caren, a gal who lives here in Barretto.

I had the baby back ribs and they might have been about the best I’ve ever eaten. So tender and juicy! The dish in the background is some seafood medley thing that Caren professed to enjoy.

The sunset from Mango’s back deck was awesome as well…

Not much to say about Caren. Unemployed, not much of a conversationalist, and I didn’t find her physically attractive. The only thing mildly interesting about her was her professed bisexuality. So we had a pleasant dinner and I sent her home. Next!

I’m chatting with an Olongapo gal named Cynthia. She’s a licensed nursing assistant and seems to be intelligent and can hold up her end of a written conversation at least. She claims she likes to walk so I may see about joining her soon and see where that goes.

And it looks like it will be back to the movies tomorrow with Jessa and friends. Was hoping for a solo date, but maybe it’s better this way.

I’m one week out from departing for the USA, so I doubt I’ll have much time to do any pursuing until I get back. Lots of Hash related activities on tap for the coming days. A Friday night pub crawl, a special Hash in Pundaquit on Saturday, the regular Hash on Monday. Then Tuesday I’ll apparently be participating in something called a “Boonduckit” (phonetic). It’s all kind of hush-hush so I’m not sure what all is involved but I’m told it is wild. We shall see.

Ride ’em cowboy!

Ride em, cowboy
Don’t let em throw you down
You can’t make no money
If you hit the ground
They said, ride em cowboy
Don’t let em throw you down
You’re the toughest cowboy in town

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TuqzMiDYBfM

That would be December 7, 1941. On the other hand, my date with Cherry went fine thank you very much.

Cherry arrived 15 minutes late to the restaurant due to Filipino time traffic. No big deal. We had Korean grilled meat (pork belly and galbi) and a pleasant conversation. Her English is good and she has enough wit to catch my witticisms. I like that! At the conclusion of our meal she got a text from a girlfriend who lives in Barretto and wanted Cherry to come visit. I told her my driver was picking me up and could drop her wherever she needed to go. So we were off.

Once we were situated in the back seat she gave me a kiss. Wow! That girl can smooch! I invited her and her friend for lunch on Sunday and she said yes. Once we arrived in Barretto we said our goodnights and I had the driver drop me at Cheap Charlies so I could quaff some brews and get drunk reflect on the evening.

Come lunch time the next day they wanted to eat at the Palm Tree hotel. So of course, that’s what we did.

I had the pork chops. They were fine.

Here’s Cherry in her natural look (unretouched photograph).

After lunch I brought her home and we had some passionate lovemaking. It was wonderful. Later I made brownies for our dessert and sent some home with for her kids. And Cherry promised to join me today for the Hash. I am really looking forward to that.

**************
And as usual with me, everything changes. Just like that.

Just finished a chat on skype with Cherry. Here’s the bottom line:

I think It’s better for me not to go with the walk this afternoonI know there is something between the girl living in your house and you.I don’t wanna ruin whatever you two have at this moment.I don’t wanna hurt an innocent filipina like me.I think she’s a nice woman for you.You are lucky to have her.Love and keep her.I don’t wanna feel like an option too because I am looking for a non-commitment guy.I thought you are serious with me.But when you told me that there is a girl living in ur house I felt and realized I failed.Thank you for the good times.

I was beyond shocked. More hurt than I ought to be. And of course, tremendously disappointed.

And again, for the record, I have NOTHING to do with my helper. She works and I pay her. That is the full extent of our relationship.

Man oh man, I sure can pick them, can’t I? I guess it was a date to live in infamy after all.

A timely reminder to myself. I’m on my own. I need to accept that and deal with it.

What the fuck.

…and I’m not talking about the weather (which has been sunny and unseasonably hot).

Tonight’s the, well, cherry date with Cherry. We meet at 7:00 so I’ve still got some hours to fill with anticipation. Meanwhile, my initial forays back on the dating sites continue to spark some interest amongst the lonely lovelies out there. Well, honestly, quite a few of them are not all that lovely. I don’t know what it is but it seems most of the woman tagging me are late 50s and up, definitely NOT my demographic. Ah well, it goes with the territory I suppose.

So last night I decided to change it up. Instead of the bars of Barretto I hit Baloy Beach. These are hotel bars so no dancers and no drink sluts juicy girls. I really needed a break from that scene. I’m also on a self-imposed hiatus from Alley Cats (the dart bar). My reasoning is that every hour I spend there is a distraction from my quest for greater fulfillment. I’m just too comfortable in that place so I’m getting out of my comfort zone.

For the first time ever I ventured into Harley’s Hotel bar. I don’t know why I’ve avoided it in the past, it was actually quite nice.

I sat outside. Just me, my beer, and a pleasant view.

I had intended to do a bar crawl including Blue Rock resort, Treasure Island, Lagoon, Da’ Kudos, Johan’s and maybe South Sea Pearl if I was still standing. But whilst enjoying my second beer at Harley’s I got a message from Jessa, the birthday girl I wrote about last week. She saw my Facebook post about doing Baloy and wanted me to join her at Treasure Island for beers (she was due to finish work in a few minutes). So I hustled on over.

First time I’d ever got the impression that Jessa had any interest in me other than as a customer/friend. We sat and talked and drank for around three hours. I told her about my four failed marriages, and she talked about how her father died when she was two and her mother abandoned the family shortly afterwards. No one has seen her mom since. Bizarre. If I understood correctly Jessa’s daughter has an American father who is also out of the picture. Anyway, it was a fun and interesting evening.

And now I’m thinking it might develop where I’ll be in a situation of having to make some choices. Which is really, really getting ahead of myself I know. I’m very excited about meeting Cherry and I’m very hopeful we connect in a positive way (and that she is who she purports to be in her Date in Asia profile). But I’m also going to see about spending some more time getting to know Jessa better as well.

Feast or famine it seems, but always good to have choices. Not that my track record of making good choices is anything to blog about. We’ll see.

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway
And I wonder if I’m really with you now
Or just chasing after some finer day.

And tomorrow we might not be together
I’m no prophet, I don’t know natures way
So I’ll try to see into your eyes right now
And stay right here, ’cause these are the good old days.

I asked Cherry if she’d like to go on a date tomorrow and she said “yes!”. And she prefers dinner to lunch. I’d call that a start.

And I’m actually more than a little nervous!

I gave her a couple of options and she wants to try Korean grilled meats. That’s a good sign!

Anyway, keeping my expectations in check. Just going to enjoy the experience and see if we both feel there is anything worth pursuing beyond a first date. I’d love to bring her to the Hash on Monday, but we’ll see about that.

Damn, I should have taken up fishing months ago!

A thoughtful comment on my post “Comfortably numb” commenced me to thinking it’s about time I shake things up some in my so-called life. But where to start? Kevin Kim suggests I consider “theme travel” which has some appeal, more so in the historical vein as I’m not much of a foodie. I do have a short list of places in the Philippines I want to visit along with some other Asian destinations. When I return from my USA trip I’m resolved to start knocking them out.

And as y’all know, I’ve had some love life doors slammed in my face recently which still has me somewhat out of kilter. So I’ve decided to take up fishing. People keep telling me that “there’s lots of fishes in the ocean”, so I might as well cast out a line and see if I get any bites. I honestly don’t like fishing all that much (preferring the fish come to me ready to eat enjoy). As that doesn’t seem to be happening I’ve got a couple of fishing spots I’m going to revisit–namely Date in Asia and Filipina Cupid.

Sorting out the potential keepers from the poisonous varieties is no easy task, and frankly I’ve just not had the patience to deal with the scammers and desperadoes who you inevitably encounter on the aforementioned dating sites. But my new motivation ties in with my travel planning–I’m going to set up meetings with gals in the locations I plan to visit–a tour guide if you will.

In order to keep my sanity, my plan right now is to identify one woman from each site daily who appears to have some potential and send her a message (a baited hook so to speak). Depending on if and how they respond we’ll see if it is worth continuing the dialog leading to a possible future meeting. If not, I’ll recast my line.

Today’s Date in Asia gal is 31 and lives in Olongapo. So she would be someone I could see locally. So far I’ve only gotten a one word response and nothing to my followup message. Although to be fair she hasn’t been online so hasn’t seen it. We’ll see.

Well, damn. Filipina Cupid does not allow you to lift profile photos so I can’t show you the 28 year old I’m chatting up from Dumaguete, one of the places on my “go to” list. Not a bad chat thus far although there have been a couple of red flags (she knows too much about pensions and asked how much I pay for rent). But we have exchanged phone numbers and a couple of texts, so we’ll see where it goes.

And there you have the story of my first tentative steps into the next chapter of my life. Crap, what if my life is a Stephen King novel? Stay tuned!

You better watch what you say
You better watch what you do to me
Don’t get carried away
Girl, if you can do better than me, go
Yeah go but remember

Good love is hard to find
Good love is hard to find
You got lucky babe
Yeah you got lucky
When I found you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QqUs3WqfkE

I had some really outstanding comments on the Living Dangerously post. As you faithful readers obviously know, LTG is as much a personal diary as anything else. I’m always frankly amazed that people follow my “trials, tribulations, and adventures” as recounted here. But the heartfelt comments and advice I’ve gotten along the way have meant so much more to me than you can ever know. So, I really wanted to acknowledge that and sincerely say thank you!

Aaron (a reader since 2005!) commented on the pending retirement of his parents and his concerns on how well they will fare in the transition. He’s following along with me for any insights he might glean from my journey. Well, it might be more of a “how not to guide, but my life here is pretty much an open book. It may be recalled that this is actually my second go at being retired, having originally stopped working at the tender age of 55 back on December 31, 2010. In that iteration, I was living six months in the USA and six months in Korea. And of course, I had my Korean wife with me back then. The first year was a busy one; both of my parents died, I bought and remodeled a house, and reestablished relationships with family and friends. And then things settled down into a comfortable routine which while sometimes boring, seemed like it was going well. The bombshell that my wife was unhappy in her life with me and wanted a divorce ended those dreams and that life. So I wound up going back to work for another three years.

This is my “do over” retirement. Before getting married I had planned on retiring to the Philippines. And now here I am. I’m still only five months into my life here so it’s a work in progress. I’m getting settled and slowly but surely finding my way. Yes, I probably spend too much time in the bars but at least I’m not one of those guys I see drinking at breakfast time (and I don’t drink at home either). The biggest void in my life I think is not having someone to love who loves me back. Finding someone who actually had some common interests would be icing on the cake (I’d really enjoy having a partner at the Hash for example). As commenter Kevin Kim has often advised I’m looking for love in all the wrong places. But the right kind of places are few and far between here in Barretto. So I need to expand my horizons and I’ve got some plans to do so, even if it means going back on the dating sites.

I don’t think I’m anywhere near as bored with my retired life this go round, but it’s still early in the game so we’ll see. I enjoyed my work but really don’t miss it much. The people and the social connections were really what mattered. I think it takes time to build something similar, but without the common bond of work that is much more difficult. Commenter Brandon recommends that I develop some hobbies and suggests gardening as an example. That’s probably not for me, but I do have darts and walking and will also be incorporating some travel into my lifestyle. So really, I think on balance I’m doing okay.

If I could just find a girlfriend! I think if I fuck up it’s going to be out of a sense of desperation. I had a bargirl friend who needed some extra money over to the house to give me a massage the other day (and that’s all it was, no happy ending!). And now there’s another woman who is friends with my helper wanting to provide me massage services. She’s married though and I’m not comfortable with that. On the other hand, tonight I’ll be helping a gal from Treasure Island celebrate her 30th birthday. She’s a sweetie and a cutie but I don’t have any illusions about why I’m coming to the party. To foot the bill of course. Her friend has already let me know that Jessa would love a new phone as a birthday present. And you know what, I don’t mind getting her one. I’d like her to remember her 30th as much as I do mine!

And I guess that’s the other thing about living here. I can afford to be generous. I’m very popular in the bars I frequent. But I’m also able to help out some folks when they are in need and that’s a good feeling. Just today I was asked if I could contribute some funds to help my downstairs caretaker who was recently hospitalized. I gave 2000 pesos (about $40.) which is no big deal to me but apparently will help him a lot in terms of getting the medicine he needs. Don’t get me wrong, I live on a budget but my budget allows me to live large by local standards. I’d say my standard of living is high compared to a large percentage of the expat community as well. As I’m often reminded, I’m a lucky man and in the bigger scheme of things what I perceive as problems are really meaningless.

I enjoy views like this one in my subdivision.

The steak dinner I prepared on my grill yesterday afternoon.

The dart tournament I won last night…

And who gives a damn if Subic thanks me for leaving their shitty little town. I’m a Barretto boy now!

So, yeah. That’s my life. It could be worse and it’s bound to get better. Thanks to my readers for joining me on the journey!

They will tell you you can’t sleep alone in a strange place
Then they’ll tell you you can’t sleep with somebody else
Ah, but sooner or later you sleep in your own space
Either way it’s OK, you wake up with yourself

I never said you had to offer me a second chance
I never said I was a victim of circumstance
I still belong, don’t get me wrong
And you can speak your mind, but not on my time
I don’t care what you say anymore, this is my life
Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone

Somewhere back in her long ago
Where he can still believe there’s a place in her life
Someday, somewhere, she will return

But what a fool believes he sees
No wise man has the power to reason away
What seems to be
Is always better than nothing
There’s nothing at all
But what a fool believes he sees…
—Doobie Brothers

I’m not sure it rises to the level of an epiphany, but I’ve been doing some thinking (shaddup!) and I believe I’ve turned the corner on gaining some understanding and insights into my so-called life.

As regular readers have likely discerned, I’m what you might call relationship challenged. I’ve certainly done more than my share of wallowing in self-pity, but lately I’ve been considering more about what exactly my problem is. And as it turns out, surprise surprise, the problem is me. Yeah, I’m the common denominator in every single one of my past failures. Go figure. But why exactly is that?

As I look back on my most recent “love” relationships and the additional loss of what I considered to be some true friends I just couldn’t get my mind around how people could act that way towards me. I mean, I’m far from perfect but I do try to treat people the way I hope to be treated, I’m probably generous to a fault, and I do my best to be honest in my interactions with those few individuals I’m close to in my life. So it is especially disappointing when these folks fail to keep their promises, lie to my face, and outright betray me. How can I be such a poor judge of character?

And there’s the rub. What I’ve come to understand is that these people I’ve allowed to hurt me were just being who they are. My expectations and beliefs about their innate goodness were nothing more than my projections of what I wanted them to be. And that blinded me to their true nature. Hmm, well that seemed a lot more profound in my head than it does here in writing, but I hope you get my meaning. People are going to be who and what they are, wishing and believing them to be what your hoping for doesn’t make a bit of difference. Hell, it only took me 63 years to figure that out!

I think my recent experience with Marissa really illustrates that point. I’ve been so frustrated that she can’t or won’t give me the type of girlfriend experience I most desire. I should actually give her credit for honestly living as who she is, not what I want her to be. Unlike my past loves and so-called friends who always pretended to care about me only to turn their backs and desert me when something they thought was better came along.

As a practical matter how will these new insights make a difference? Well, hopefully I’ll be both more discerning in my choices (looking hard to discover the true nature of the people I let into my life) and also more accepting of who someone is, even when it does not align with my wants and desires. Easier said than done I suppose. But I think I can learn to be satisfied with having people around me who may not fulfill all my needs. I’m also learning to accept that I may be destined to live out my life alone most of the time. And I am getting more accustomed and comfortable with that. Better to be alone than with the wrong someone, that’s for sure.

Speaking of being alone, I did in fact end things with Marissa. It’s kind of funny in a sad way, because once I had got my mind around that she wasn’t ever going to be my ideal, but I could still enjoy my time with her, she went tampo on me and did it in a way that was embarrassing. I just don’t need that kind of drama in my life (heh, she went from being better than nothing to “eh, not so much” just like that). The link above gives you the Wikipedia definition of tampo, including this quote from Reekay Velez, an American vlogger here in the Philippines:

“To avoid confrontation, this tampo thing has developed over the years to where they don’t wanna speak in anger, they don’t wanna confront and say, ‘Hey, you hurt me with this or that.’ What I found out triggers it most of the time is that a guy spent one nanosecond more than he should’ve noticing a pretty girl passing by. Ninety-nine percent of the time, that’s what it is. All of a sudden, the wife, the girlfriend doesn’t wanna talk to him anymore.”

Anyway, she wouldn’t tell me what was wrong and after asking three times I’d had enough. I’m ashamed to admit that I lost my temper and yelled at her, which of course didn’t help matters. The next day she did admit that she was jealous of how I was interacting with the other bargirls. Well, if she had been responsive I could have assured her I was not interested in either of the women in question (I consider them friends that I joke around with). But I have a very low tolerance for jealous behavior and given the overall unsatisfactory nature of the relationship I knew it was time to walk away. As my friend Jerry reminded me, in the Philippines when a relationship ends you just say “next!”. We’ll see.

So, speaking of next, I saw this description of a relationship on the Althouse blog:

“When you think of what it is you’re looking for in a significant other, you’re generally talking about someone to talk to, someone to spend your day with, someone to talk about your day with, someone to go places with and enjoy life. Never in that is there ‘I want someone that’s going to cry at the drop of a hat, or be mad at me for no reason.’… In any relationship, the same exact feelings you have in the first two years of a relationship — that insane, intense drive — always tend to change after a couple of years. They turn to laying your life out with each other. They turn to be more everyday, logical… And for her to be able to reciprocate that way to me, on a routine basis, is fantastic.”

That is exactly what I’m hoping to find for myself someday! But here’s the punchline: the guy describing his relationship is married to someone who is a diagnosed psychopath! I guess maybe it’s true that you’d have to be crazy to love a man like me!

Oh well, I’ll find her or I won’t. In the meantime I’m going to enjoy the life I have, solitary though it may be. I’ll find ways to fill the holes and get my needs fulfilled (yeah, I’m considering easing my stance on no barfines). Minute by minute, I’ll keep holding on.

You will stay just to watch me, darlin’
Wilt away on lies from you
Can’t stop the habit of livin’ on the run
I take it all for granted like you’re the only one
Livin’ on my own
Somehow that sounds nice
You think I’m your fool
Well, you may just be right

Minute by minute by minute by minute
I’ll be holding on
Oh, minute by minute by minute by minute
I’ll be holding on…

Greetings Earthlings. A rainy day here in the lovely Philippines. That’s newsworthy only because we actually had a solid week of glorious sunshine. I’d convinced myself that rainy season had ended early. Oh well, this too shall pass!

In the Facebook memories feature I was reminded of this photo taken three years ago:

Shocking to see just how fat I truly was. Well, that’s married life for you I guess…

Just for shits and giggles I posed for a similar shot yesterday:

I’m not the man I used to be, that’s for sure. Heh, I guess that’s the difference between being married and single…

As you can see in the photo above, my Buddy was in a playful mood. He loves to gnaw on stuff, like my shoes. He usually does it when I’m not wearing them though. I’ve been giving him a combination of tough love and chew toys to save my shoes. He’s pretty smart, he’ll figure it out soon. I hope.

Buddy says “that’s not funny!”

And last but certainly not least, a very Happy Birthday to my first born daughter, Renee Bonnie.

Hard to believe she is 43 now. Especially given the fact that her father is only 30. Yes, that is how I self identify. Don’t be an ageism bigot!

If the rain comes
They run and hide their heads
They might as well be dead
If the rain comes
If the rain comes

Can you hear me
That when it rains and shines
It’s just a state of mind
Can you hear me
Can you hear me

And so begins a new week here in paradise.

I’ve hit a new low. 193 pounds. Pretty surprising really because I’ve not been disciplined in my dietary practices lately. Not complaining though.

I cooked up some pulled pork in the crockpot yesterday. Was very pleased that the meat came out tender and flavorful. Served it up with cobbed corn and cornbread (see what I mean about the diet?). This morning I took some of the leftovers and made this:

A pulled pork breakfast burrito! Man, it was tasty. Not sure why I haven’t tried that before. Well, I haven’t kept tortillas on hand since I went on my low carb routine. But these days, I eat pretty much as I please (as long as I stay under the 200 pound threshold).

My buddy keeps an eye on things around the house…

And gives me some company when no one else will…

The weather has been much improved. Other than a couple of thundershowers it’s been sunny and warm. Eh, it’s been hot. Too soon to complain about that though!

Another beautiful morning in the neighborhood.

I’ve not been as disciplined with my walking as I should be either. For example, these past three days my step counts were 9,000, 27,000, and 12,000. My minimum daily goal is 15,000. So I guess I’m averaging that, but… I’m already over 20,000 today and still have the Hash to do this afternoon. I think part of the problem is I’m pretty much bored with my usual walking routines. There’s some nice trails up in the mountains, but I’m just not comfortable walking them alone. Way too much could go wrong. I’ll find some ways to change things up, probably incorporate the old Navy base into the mix.

Walk on!

Coming up on four months in country and I’m running out of the prescription meds I brought along with me. So far I’ve been lucky enough at my local pharmacy in getting refills. Haven’t even needed a prescription. No one seems to to stock my Advair Diskus though; it’s an inhaler for my COPD. Hopefully, I can find a similar product. The pharmacist offered up something for asthma today, but I’m going to wait until I can discuss it with an actual doctor.

And that is where things stand on this mundane Monday.

I hear some people
been talkin’ me down,
Bring up my name,
pass it ’round.
They don’t mention
happy times
They do their thing,
I’ll do mine.

Walk on, walk on.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gALPWW9QByQ

She was a friend to me when I needed one
Wasn’t for her I don’t know what I’d done
She gave me back something that was missing in me
She could of turned out to be almost anyone
Almost anyone…
With the possible exception
Of who I wanted her to be

Talk about celestial bodies
And your angels on the wing
She wasn’t much good at stickin’ around…but
That girl could sing…

Ah, I hope you will indulge me as I engage in a little Sunday morning introspection.

Woke up alone which is of course sadly normal for me. Then I walked alone…

…on the beach.

And ate breakfast alone…

…probably the best French toast in town at Mango’s…

And all that alone time gave me the chance to reflect on the sorry state of my love life. I don’t always go there, but Facebook “triggered” me by sharing a memory from two years ago.

The lovely Eun Oke traveled with me to Barretto back then…

We had a fine ocean view room at the Arizona resort….

…and a really fantastic time in the bars. The bargirls loved her and she enjoyed having me buy them drinks. Good times!

Anyway, I’m not going to recount the disaster that resulted from that relationship. Suffice to say I allowed myself to love someone for the first time since having my heart and soul crushed by the wife. Eun Oke left me embittered and cynical and unwilling (or perhaps unable) to open myself up to love again.

So Loraine became my brand new plan.

I’d just hire someone to take care of me. No risk in that, right?

Regular readers know how that turned out for me. Honestly, I’m still reeling from the aftershocks. I’m living the life here alone that I expected to share with her. That’s not always easy.

Which has led me now to this particular moment in time and my tentative first steps in starting a new relationship. Marissa, what am I going to do about you?

Things are always just a little out of kilter it seems…

I think Marissa is a good woman with a good heart. So, what’s the problem? She just doesn’t meet my needs. We have little in common (she doesn’t like to walk!). She’s not open and expressive with her feelings. And she works in a bar. Other than those things she is pretty much perfect.

And of course I’m being very unfair here. I do think she cares but she doesn’t do the little things to show it. And that’s really my being needy and wanting constant reassurance that I matter. And that is just not in her nature to do. I think she is perhaps making more of an effort in that regard, but again, I can’t expect her to be something that she is not.

The working in a bar thing is a bigger issue for me than I expected it would be. My first girlfriend in Korea was a bargirl and I don’t recall being bothered by other men buying her drinks. Hey, it meant I didn’t have to. This situation feels different somehow now. Again, that’s probably more a reflection of my insecurity and vulnerability than anything she is doing. We have talked about it at length. I respect that customer bought drinks is how she pays the rent. I admire her tenacity and independence as she makes her way through life. I have no reason to think these customers mean anything other than a way to make money (just to be clear, I’m talking drinks only, there is no “take out” available at Alley Cats).

Her ex-boyfriend took her out of the bar. Paid her a 10,000 peso per month “allowance” in lieu of working. That’s only $200. I could easily do that. The problem I have with it though is that it is too much like the “buying a girlfriend” thing I tried with Loraine. I don’t want Marissa to be with me out of a sense of obligation or financial need. I want her to be with me only when and if that is where she most wants to be. If I give her money I could never be sure.

So, that’s my dilemma. And yes, the easy course of action is to just let her go and move on to the next big thing. I may wind up doing that at some point. But for now at least I find her to be, well, it sounds crass and selfish, but she’s better than nothing. I’ve had way too much of nothing and I’m not quite ready to throw in the towel and go back to that.

So, we shall see what the future brings.

The longer I thought I could find her
The shorter my vision became
Running in circles behind her
And thinking in terms of the blame
But she couldn’t have been any kinder
If she’d come back and tried to explain
She wasn’t much good at saying goodbye…but
That girl was sane

Life is full of surprises. Things happen when you least expect them. Take yesterday for instance.

The day started out pretty much like every other day of my life. Got up, did my internet rituals, took a hike, had some breakfast, walked the dog.

Early in the afternoon I fired up the grill.

Bought these ribeyes at Bretto’s in Barretto. From Australia. Will they be tender?

I cooked them a little rarer than I usually do and they were in fact easier to chew than the first batch I grilled a couple of weeks ago.

After my meal it was off to the VFW for dart league. It was a challenging match but we ultimately prevailed 8-5. I was able to win all my games, including a tough cricket game against Cristy, one of the top players in town. She throws a little better than me, but my cricket strategy was stronger. Which sometimes makes all the difference and is one of the reasons cricket is my favorite darts game.

Anyway my team captain, Anabel, told me that Dean, the owner of our sponsor Alley Cats bar, wanted to see me after we completed the match. What about? Anabel said she didn’t know. Hmm, I’m sure I paid my tab and I didn’t recall being any more offensive than normal. Oh well, I told her I’d be happy visit Alley Cats that afternoon. Right after dart league Anabel insisted.

So with dart business completed I walked on over to Alley Cats, opened the door, and found this staring me in the face:

The candle was lit and a chorus of voices shouted out Surprise! Happy Birthday!

Well, how about that? Of course, it was a belated birthday gathering. On Monday I did the Hash. On Tuesday as I mentioned in an earlier post, another guy did his birthday party at Alley Cats. So I guess it was my turn on Wednesday.

Ain’t that sweet?

Some of the perpetrators…

“Is this my present?”

Nah, it’s on again, off again Marissa. I guess we were on again, at least for last night.

Cutting the cake which is preferable to me cutting the cheese. *ahem*

Ester likes to lick off the frosting first….

So I had a good time. And it felt nice to feel that I was amongst people who do enjoy my company. Perhaps I’m on the right path after all.

Forward!

Probably my favorite quote from Stephen King.

Last night I heard from an old friend who just had her heart broken. I was pretty surprised because I know she was crazy about this guy and had gone “all in” to the relationship. And now she is devastated. I really feel bad for her because last time we chatted she was excited like a kid before Christmas waiting for his visit next month (yes, it was one of those long distance relationships which are of course especially fraught with peril).

I’m certainly in no position to give relationship advice (unless you are savvy enough to do the opposite of what I say), but I do know a thing or two about dealing with a broken heart. So I mostly just provided an understanding ear and assured her that she would get through this and come out changed, but stronger, on the other side. As they say, it only hurts until the pain goes away.

I’m ten months removed now for my latest broken heart and of course I’ve moved on with my life. Although this life I’m living here is the life I had intended to share with her. That took some getting used to the first few weeks but it also provided some much needed perspective. We all walk the path we choose in life, if we get lucky someone may choose to walk along beside us. There is no guarantee it will be for a lifetime. That’s the risk you take when you allow yourself to love.

In an odd little coincidence, Facebook “memories” feature shared a photo I’d posted two years ago of the love before the last love, Eun Oke.

This was right after we had first met. The caption on my FB post was “the future is a mystery”.

It turned out to be a very short-lived future as a couple. When I think of her I’m reminded of the Jim Croce lyric: “for every time that we spent laughing there were two times that I cried…”. But hey, no regrets. I still on rare occasions will get a Kakao message from her. Usually when she is drunk. Eun Oke is a good, but flawed, woman. I was just too fragile to deal with her mood swings. I hope she is doing better now.

And of course, this new life is what I salvaged when my previous life was ended on the seemingly capricious whim of the last woman I married. I’ll never understand that and I’ve given up trying. I died, spent time in purgatory, and was reborn in the Philippines.

Will I find a true and lasting love here? I honestly don’t know and maybe what I have is good enough. I’m open to whatever the future might bring but I’m not going to spend my time being sad about the past or lamenting what I don’t have in my life now. It is what it is. I’ll just keeping walking on.

Love hurts, love scars, love wounds
And mars, any heart
Not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain
Love hurts…… ooh, ooh love hurts

I know it isn’t true, I know it isn’t true
Love is just a lie
Made to make you blue
Love hurts…… ooh, ooh love hurts
Ooh, ooh love hurts

A rare photograph of my love life…

That’s actually my street and my house in the background. I think the road collapse is possibly related to the issues with the water in the subdivision. Which still is not fixed.

Had a goodly long walk this morning, but there are some streets you just should not walk down.

I took this as a sign that this is one of them…

Had a big fight with Marissa last night (the screaming at her on the street kind) which of course upon *ahem* sober reflection I regretted. I won’t go into details here, suffice to say we have a large gap between my expectations for a girlfriend experience and her ability to deliver.

That is exactly what I had planned to do, but then…

Marissa showed up at my dart league match today. And we talked. After darts I took her for a dinner of some Korean grilled pork belly and we talked some more. Then we had makeup sex.

So. She doesn’t fulfill all my needs. But she does an excellent job fulfilling the ones she does. And perhaps it is my expectations that need adjusting. She can’t be or replace the woman who broke my heart. I’m going to try (again) to let Marissa be who she is and accept that for what it is. At least for now.

Welcome to August. I’ve been keeping track of my finances and health in a pretty detailed fashion throughout July and here’s how things stand as of now.

The good news is I came in under budget. I’m working on a baseline of 250,000 pesos a month (around $5000.00). That’s a pretty comfortable living standard for the Philippines. My goal is to bank $1000. of that each month to be used for travel adventures. I didn’t achieve that this past month. I had a some unusual and unanticipated expenses and I’m also living a little too large. Still acting like I’m on vacation sometimes (two week millionaire syndrome). I’ve got a savings nest egg as well but I don’t intend to tap that unless there’s an emergency or other unusual event that requires me to do so. Ha, but I’m not opposed to spending my kids inheritance if I feel like it!

So, according to my handy spending tracker app, this is how it breaks down for July:

Rent: P45,000 ($900.) Yeah, probably too much. I could get a nice enough place for half that. Fuck nice enough though!
Groceries: P40,000 ($800.) That’s somewhat more than I was spending in Korea, but I’m not getting commissary prices here.
Charity: P27,000 ($540.) I help out when and where I can.
Drinking: P22,000 ($440.) Okay, I enjoy my beers. This also includes lady drinks, and I’m pretty generous with the girls.
Shopping: P21,000 ($420.) Non-food purchases. Mostly stuff for the house (i.e. ceiling fans, etc).
Domestic helper: P21,000 ($420.) I’m overly generous with this salary by half I suppose. But that’s how I roll.
Eating out: P17,000 ($340.) Breakfast most everyday, dinner a few times a week, and occasionally dinner for two if I’m lucky.
Entertainment: P9,000 ($180.) This covers dart league, Hash cash, SOB entrance fees, and other “just for fun” activities.
Immigration fees: P8,000 ($160.) Still need to get moving on the retirement visa, although it’s not really cheaper.
Transportation: P6,500 ($130.) Mostly for my driver, also Jeepney and trike fares.
Hotels: P5,500 ($110.) What with my power and water situations, I’ve been booking lodging without leaving town. An anomaly. I hope!
Electric: P5,000 ($100.) This was surprisingly low. I expect it will be more next month.
Phone: P4,000 ($80.) Hey, I’ve got unlimited data! Slow as molasses, but as much as I want!
Propane: P2,500 ($50.) A tank for the stove and for the grill.
Vet: P2,000 ($40.) Taking care of my Buddy!
Laundry: P1,500 ($30.) I could buy a machine and put Tere to work, but why not spread it around?
Gifts: P1,000 ($20.) Two birthdays at Alley Cats this month.
Water: P850 ($17.) Don’t get me started on the water situation! That does include my bottled water too.
Medical/Pharmacy P850 ($17.) Lucky month health wise. Just one prescription refill.
Cable/Internet P800 ($16.) You get what you pay for, but this is currently my only option. Hey, it works. Most of the time.
Personal grooming: P100 ($2.) I got a haircut and gave a 50 peso tip. About time for a pedicure though.

So that adds up to around P230,000 ($4,600). Four hundred banked for travel and will hopefully settle down some this month and save even more. Or I’ll find a girlfriend and go broke. One of those!

As for my physical health (we’ll deal with my emotional health another day) all indicators are positive. At least the ones I’m tracking.

Blood pressure is consistently below 130, which is a significant improvement over my Korea readings. My resting heart rate is in the mid-60s, which is also much better than before the move here. I don’t know why.

As to my weight, I started the month at 201 and finished it at 197. Very happy to have finally broken the 200 pound barrier. I’ve rewarded myself by relaxing my low-carb routine. I’ll have toast with breakfast these days and I enjoy a guilt-free ice cream when the mood strikes me as well. As long as I stay under 200 anyway.

Still doing my walking of course, but I’m not walking as much as I used to in Korea. I guess I have more of a life here, even with the extra 8 hours per day to fill. I made my 20,000 step goal only 12 days last month, and was under 15,000 (my self-imposed minimum) on 7 days. Some of those were weather-related though.

There you have it. Life is good and getting gooder!

I posted this on Facebook eight years ago today:

I’m postponing retirement until 2 January 2011. Need to regroup and replan.

That was the day I chose love over the Philippines. Eight times around the sun finds me living a loveless life in the Philippines. Funny (in a sad way) how that worked out.

Oh well. Today I’ve decided to make the best of what I do have. Which still doesn’t include running water inside the house. Looks like I’ll be booking another hotel room this afternoon.

One of the things I do have is a sunny day. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen one of those!

I also have memories of last night’s entertainment…

And insights like this as I move on down the road of life.

Let’s see what happens next!

Pretty much closed the door on Marissa. Longish chat on messenger. She told me she was sorry for being “bad” and did the teary eyed emojis. I assured her she isn’t bad, just incapable of giving me what I need. And I’m a needy bastard. Anyway, she concluded with “I need to move on”. I told her I hoped we could remain friends and she responded “I’m not sure”.

I’m more convinced than ever I made the right call. Marissa’s reaction to the breakup confirmed for me that I’m not a priority for her, nor am I worth fighting for. She just gave up. Like most of the other women in my life. I realize now that being with Marissa would constitute “settling” and I’m not willing to do that. The right one is out there. We’ll find each other. Soon I hope.

Back to being alone for now. Probably going to need a new bar home, at least on the night’s Marissa is working. I expect we’d both be uncomfortable in that situation.

The last couple of nights I’ve hung out at Cheap Charlies. This was the view I had with beer yesterday.

There are no darts, no dancers, and no extracurricular activities at Cheap Charlies. As the name implies, the sole attraction of this bar is somewhat lower priced drinks. And the view sitting at an outdoor bar. Saving a few pesos on my already cheap (compared to Korea) beer isn’t a big draw and I have a better view from home. Okay, they do have juicy girls to keep you company while you ply them with overpriced drinks. Yeah, the girls need to make a living and that one beats prostituting yourself I suppose. Anyway, the last couple of nights I’ve shared drinking time with Maya. She’s cute, seems sweet, and is 30 years old with a 10 year old son. I got around to asking his name last night and she told me Ahmad. I blurted out “That’s not a Filipino name. What are you, Muslim?”. She responded “yes”.

Well shut my mouth. While it is no secret that I have issues with the Muslim faith and the teachings of the pedophile Mohammad, the Muslims I have met in person have all been fine people. Never dated one though (something I was toying with in my mind re: Maya). Anyway, I gave myself a bigotry check and think I passed. Maya has outwardly not demonstrated any disqualifying characteristics. So far. We’ll see if I decide to pursue a Muslim bargirl!

In the meantime I will just keep on keeping on. I’ve been alone so long now that it almost feels natural. And you never know what’s going to happen next. Until it does.

Stay tuned!

What do I owe to you
Who loved me deep and long?
You never gave my spirit wings
Or gave my heart a song.

–Sara Teasdale