Happy Easter for those who believe in that sort of thing.

I found an egg today. Or it found me. During my hike an Church ajumma insisted I take it. Happy Easter!

Long time no post, eh?  Sorry about that.  I’ve been both busy and unmotivated.  What can I say?  Well, let’s ketchup!

This past week I was busy keeping a promise.  I’m glad I did even if I am not the same man I was back when I made that promise.  I’m sorry for any hurt that may have caused.

Speaking of promises, this month marked the fourth anniversary of the vows Jee Yeun made but did not keep.  Well, as long as she is happy now.

There is no question that I’m dead inside. It is just the way it is. I’ve accepted it.

You know, I don’t want to come off as being some pussy who can’t get over a broken heart.  I’m over it and I would certainly never go back to where I was.  It’s done.  But the reality is also that I’m haunted by memories of what I had and lost.  The things that used to bring me joy in life are now painful reminders of my foolish belief in love.  And wherever I go and whatever I do, it seems I am confronted by the past.  It is one reason I need to leave Korea, sooner rather than later.

I’m a selfish bastard for sure.  I’m going to embrace that and live a selfish life in the Philippines.   It is who I am and what I’ve become.  There is peace in acceptance.

But enough about me.  Ha!  Just kidding.

I’ve given my 30 day notice to the landlord. Looks like next stop for me will be lovely Pyeongtaek.  I’m still targeting a September re-retirement and move to Subic Bay.  But my Uncle Sam has enticed me to stay on through the Eighth Army transformation out of Seoul by providing me LQA (living quarters allowance).  That saves me two grand a month and these days I’m all about the money!

Since my last post here I made a trip down to Camp Humphreys to check out our new office space in the Eighth Army headquarters building.  Not bad at all.  While there I had a realtor show me around some of the amazing properties available.  He asked me where I wanted to live and I said “walking distance”.  “To work?” he asked.  Nope, to the bars.  I reckon that to be 20 minutes drunken stumbling max. So, somewhere in Anjeong-ri right outside the main gate would be ideal.  The realtor of course wants to show me big new expensive places, and I just want something simple and convenient.

I guess the compromise was this single family house right in the middle of Anjeong-ri.

4 bedrooms/4 baths (2 down, 2 up). Way to much house for me, but…

Real nice kitchen area too. We’ll see. The problem is I need something fully furnished and I’m only going to be around for 4 months, give or take. Doesn’t make me an attractive prospect for landlords.

I’ll need to do some more looking and see what happens.

There’s this nice restaurant right across the street. Or maybe it’s a pet shop. Have to check it out.

Speaking of work, here’s a picture of the meeting between the Korean Employees Union and the Ambassador. Well, former ambassador now… I’m the left handed guy…

Also this month was siblings day…here’s me and the brothers when life was much simpler…

I actually got asked this question by my Army doctor. Gave a similar response…

Sharing the fun with three of my employees on a recent Friday night…

Sounds like good advice…

…except when it isn’t. A conundrum…

Spent some time up North last week. It was pretty quiet…

katchi kapshida

Why yes. Yes I am.

Everything put together, sooner or later falls apart.

On the border…

I made it a few steps into North Korea but these guys weren’t going to let me go any further.

See what I missed?

I also had business in Busan. Not with this mermaid…

When the lights go down in the city…

Back in Seoul for my river walk on Saturday…

On the river.

And today it was Namsan.

Found the broom but no trace of the wicked witch of the Easter.

It’s been a long time since I broke the 30,000 step barrier…

Still crazy after all these years.

Ah well, it is what it is.  I’ll try and do better.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-SHHZ8xpV0

And another weekend draws to a close.

Spending time in bars, more often alone than not, provides ample opportunity for introspection and observation.  I’ve mentioned before my growing sense of disconnection from the Korea life I’ve lived.  Several old time friends have departed recently and I’m not really putting forth much effort to make new ones.  Seems I’ve become the proverbial old man living with his memories of happier times.

Well, obviously whatever isolation I’m experiencing is largely of my own making.  I’ve gotten better at being alone and the truth is I don’t really have the patience or willingness to allow someone to intrude into the relative peace and safety of the solitary confinement I’ve constructed.  It’s not the life I had imagined, but its good enough.  For now, anyway.

Anyway, don’t mistake this meditation as me feeling sorry for myself. I’m actually quite optimistic about the future.  A future in which I put 12 years in Korea behind me. I think what prompted this thinking was encountering some other folks this weekend who seem to be struggling with their own versions of isolation, remorse, and hopelessness.  In a city of 13 million there are bound to be many lonely and empty lives on display.  It still makes me sad to see though.

Having said that, I had a pretty fine (and drunken) Saturday night hanging out with my nephew Justin and my communist friend Choonae.

And this was when we were just getting started!

After reaching the appropriate level of inebriation I suggested we abandon Shenanigans and make our way up Hooker Hill for a visit to the oldest bar in Itaewon, Grand Ole Opry. Justin and Choonae were drunk enough to agree and so off we went.

Choonae had never been to a country Honky Tonk so it was interesting to see her reaction.  She’s also quite a dancer (Salsa being her specialty) and she was fascinated watching folks do the Texas two-step and Country Swing dances.  She stood beside our table and emulated the footsteps involved.  And after one particularly good dancer (a Korean gentlemen) returned to his seat with his date, Choonae walked over and asked him to show her how to dance.  He did, and she picked it up right away.

I might have mentioned that I was drunk, which gave me the courage to do some dancing myself.  I’m nowhere near as good as I once was (nor even as good once as I ever was), but that didn’t stop me.  Justin captured some video evidence of my foolhardiness.

Anyway it was a fun time and I successfully stumbled home sometime after 2 a.m. (with a detour to Taco Bell).

I was hungover and lazy most of the day but forced myself to get off my ass and take a walk in the afternoon.

Not bad considering.

And the good news is my new meds seem to be helping quite a lot.  Haven’t needed my nebulizer at all today and just used my inhaler a couple of times (pre and post walk). Here’s hoping that continues!

Onward!

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb.

Where I need to be. Doctor’s orders…

Yesterday afternoon found me back at the Brian Allgood Army Community Hospital for a follow-up visit to get the results of my two CT exams (chest and abdomen) and my PFT (pulmonary function test).  This was my fourth visit to the base hospital and also the fourth different doctor I’ve seen there.  Not getting to see the same doctor twice is a function of being in the Space A (space available) category.  Soldiers and their families come first, as it should be, and us civilians are at the bottom of the pecking order.  So, I call in and get assigned to any doctor with an open spot.  Honestly, each of the docs have been excellent.  They actually come and spend some quality time having a conversation about my health issues and there is never a rush or a sense that they have better things to do.  A much more satisfactory experience than anything I’ve encountered in the Korean hospitals, and truthfully, better than any care I received back in the USA as well.

I had the chest CT a couple of weeks ago.  A nurse called me and said my lungs looked pretty good considering the abuse I’ve put them through (25 years of smoking).  There was a small nodule on the left lung that might be nothing, but she advised I needed to have another CT in a year just to be sure.  She told me the doctor wanted me to do an abdomen CT, so I got that done on Tuesday.

No, I didn’t try suicide. It took the nurse three tries to find a vein that would accept having the CT dye injected. Finally had to settle for the wrist…

During the CT the fire alarms went off which was a little disconcerting.  They finished the test though, then escorted me out of the hospital.  I’m pretty sure it was just a drill.

Anyway, my physician yesterday was a young Army Captain.  Even though Dr. Pence had not ordered the tests, he had obviously reviewed the results before he sat down with me.  He said the lung nodule was 3 mm in size and could be from previous damage or could be a precursor to lung cancer.  So yeah, I’ll get that checked next year for sure.

The abdomen CT was clear.  Woot!  What about the PFT?  Well, it confirmed the COPD diagnosis and revealed that my lung function is at Stage 2 (moderate) of the disease. COPD is progressive and irreversible.  All that can be done is to take steps to slow its progress and delay reaching “end stage” for as long as possible.  So, that’s my plan.  I figure on dragging it out for 20 years or so.

I told Dr. Pence that I planned to move to the Philippines in a few months and asked him if the hot and humid weather would cause me any problems.  He said that on the contrary, those conditions would be much better for my condition than the cold and polluted environment of Seoul.  So, there you have it.  I’m going to live in the PI because it is what the doctor ordered!

Anyway, I’ve not had the shortness of breath issues that led me to the ER last month.  I have a chronic cough that wakes me up at night and I’m still hocking up sputum. I’ve been using albuterol in my nebulizer and through my inhaler.  Dr. Pence noted that during during my PFT the albuterol had limited effect.  So he prescribed two additional meds to be inhaled.  Both are in a powder form, sorta like cocaine I suppose.

They come with these fancy dancy inhalers so I don’t have to roll up a dollar bill and snort it up my nose. Not that I wold know anything about that…

That’s the story of my health.  Long may I live!

In other news…

I’m not letting diminished lung capacity keep me from completing my appointed rounds. I have noticed I don’t have the stamina I used to enjoy, but with my trusty inhaler I’m still able to get the steps in.

And I’m dealing with the agony of de feet…

And it is encouraging to know that there are in fact honest women out there in the world!

Hope springs eternal.

This morning I will be visiting the Brian Allgood Army Community Hospital.  I’m going to have a chest CT and a pulmonary function test.  Although I am much improved, I still encounter episodes of shortness of breath and an occasional coughing jag.  I’d rate myself 90% better, and with my trusty inhaler and nebulizer I can self-medicate when I have an incident.  These tests today ought to help confirm the earlier COPD diagnosis and might lead to a different treatment regimen.  We shall see.

Got in some decent walking this weekend, although my stamina is still nowhere near what it was prior to my illness.  I’ll keep after it though.  One step at a time.  Heh.

And now for some pictures!

Some might say HUGE!

So, my Korean haircuts include this facial thing. Daughter says I look like Hannibal Lecter.

Hmmm…

My son celebrated his 39th birthday last week. By my reckoning that makes him several years older than me now.

A nice memory of my recent visit to the PI where I made the acquaintance of John, Joe and Anna. I’m ready to go back!

Walked home from work one day last week and encountered some snowflakes.

Out for some drinks on Friday night and who shows up but Ben and his lovely wife Leah on a date night. First met them back in Columbia, SC a few years back and now here they are again.

Other friends I encountered on Friday night, Mike, Eve, and Choonae.

Bullshit!

Saturday was Namsan day…

I observed the last dying embers of winter…

And a sure sign of spring…rooftop dining!

But best of all was finding these fresh strawberries at a local market in Kyongridawn. Made my Sunday smoothie sweet indeed.

Out alone as usual on Saturday night. I’m such a rogue after all…

Wound up in Grand Ole Opry where I ran into a memory of Eun Oke.

And finished the weekend with a Han River walk.

And that’s the way things roll around here.

I won’t call it a miracle, but I’m feeling almost normal these past few days.  Practically no cough, little sputum, sleeping through the night, and most importantly, no breathing issues.

Maybe it’s the drugs.  The Prednisone (a steroid) keeps the lungs clear.  The Azithromycin is a strong antibiotic. The Albuterol is a  bronchodilator that I’ve only used a couple of times so far, mostly as a preemptive measure before engaging in physical activity.  With the exception of the inhaler, my meds run out this week.

Shouldn’t be an issue as I was instructed to do a follow-up visit on Wednesday.  Ah, but I got caught up in a classic Army catch-22 situation.  I called to schedule the appointment but was told as a “Space A” (space available) patient, I can only call in at noon on the day I want treatment and will only be scheduled should, well, space be available.  Now, I understand and support that military members should get first priority.  But it was an Army doctor who told me to come back.  The schedulers couldn’t help, rules being rules and all. I called the patient advocate and she confirmed that notwithstanding doctor’s orders, I could not schedule an appointment in advance.  Given that it took me three days of trying to get my first appointment I expressed concern that any needed refills of my prescriptions would not be forthcoming in a timely way.  She suggested I use on off-base provider.  So, it looks like the Hilarious Dr. Yoo remains in my future.  It’s okay, at least I have a diagnosis.

These kids came marching by my villa making a gawd awful noise at 0900 yesterday. Not sure why. The first full moon of the lunar new year perhaps?

It was a bitterly cold morning but I got out in it anyway determined to tackle my old nemesis, Namsan. Made it to the base of the steps to the top and then thought better of it. Too soon to push my self that hard. Did get in close to 20,000 steps though.

Sometimes there is a poetry to walking…

…if you know where to look, the signs are all there.

Not bragging but one of my staff members suggested I be nominated for an Equal Opportunity and Diversity award.

“- You’re all about providing equal opportunity to Asian women who want to date you.
– You promote diversity by connecting with various women in Asia.
– You frequently visit Asian countries and promote their economic growth by spending your money at their hotels, bars, shopping malls, and restaurants.
– And lastly, you adhere to equal employment opportunity by hiring a Asian women who’s also over 40.”

Oh lord, it’s hard to be humble when you’re perfect in every way!

Speaking of the office, we have a new addition:

It’s kind of an intimidating photo, don’t you think? I feel like he’s saying “get to work McCrarey or you’re fired!” No worries, his civilian hiring freeze is keeping me plenty busy these days…

What else?  Well, this proved to be a sad reminder of my reality:

Well, I won’t be fooled again!

I leave Friday for ten warm days in the tropical Philippines.  Am I excited?

Why, yes. Yes I am!

Pulled pork in the crock pot and a Han River stroll on tap.

Life is good when you are feeling good.  Let’s keep it that way!

Feel free to skip this post if you are weary of hearing my tales of woe regarding my health.

Okay, for the rest of you then…

Today I successfully secured a coveted appointment at the Brian Allgood Army Community Hospital on my third day of trying.  Oddly enough, I started experiencing shortness of breath about an hour before my 5 o’clock appoint.  And it was the worst occurrence I’ve ever had.  I was having difficulty even talking to the intake nurse about my symptoms.  The took my blood pressure (185/100!) then I met with the doctor.  He could immediately see I was in some pretty serious distress and asked me how often this condition occurred.  I breathlessly explained that I never let it get this bad since acquiring my nebulizer.  The good doc said let’s get you some nebulization going now and while I was inhaling that sweet relief, he listened to my chest and apparently didn’t like what he heard.

As is usually the case, I felt better almost immediately.  But apparently my blood oxygen was staying in the low 80s (normal is 95+) which meant I was experiencing Hypoxemia. That’s not good and the doc wanted me to visit the emergency room then and there.  And so naturally I did.

The took my blood pressure again (still over 180), did an EKG, and started me on another round of nebulaziton.

Suckin’ in the ER.

Then they wheeled me down to x-ray to get a gander at my lungs.

My first ever ride in a wheelchair on the way to the x-ray department. Whee! (I’ll be happy if it is my last ride in one though).

At least I had something to read.

By the time I got back to the ER I was feeling much better and my vitals confirmed it (blood pressure back down in the normal for me 140s, and blood oxygen back in the high 90s.  So, now I wanted to hear the long elusive diagnosis.  Doctor says it seems to be a case of Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD).  Damn, I was afraid he was going to say that!  (A couple of friends had suggested that may be my problem, but I was in denial).

There it is, the price I paid for 25 years of moderate smoking.  The fact that I’ve been off tobacco for over 2 years now is certainly a positive.  It appears my COPD is still in the early stages, and there are things I can do to slow it’s progress.  So, that’s what I will do. We all got to die of something, but my death is far from imminent.  My dad had COPD and made it to 83.  That’s a worthwhile goal I reckon.

I came home with some drugs and an inhaler and instructions to return for a follow-on visit in a week.

In the meantime, it is always possible I will run into someone like this:

And maybe she’ll live up to her name!

It’s all good.  Onward!

Welcome to Friday!

As I mentioned in last night’s post, a big day in store.  Starting with a bus trip down to Pyeongtaek to check out the new office space.

Time to get up!

Already? Okay, let’s get on with it then.

Better check the weather…

…..hmm, not promising.

Fixing my morning beverage…

Ingesting my morning pill regimen.  Don’t ask me what they are.  Doc prescribes, I take.  They help some I suppose.  At least for the symptoms.  Haven’t seen a cure yet.

Time to check the internets. Yep, still there.

Nebulizing to the rockin’ beats of Hairy Chasms.

Blood pressure a little high this morning. But it’s been higher…

Time for a shower…

….and a shave.

Dressed for success. I don’t know, it’s all still a little blurry…

Snacks and lunchee for the trip…

And then I get the call. Trip cancelled. Don’t report for duty until 1200.

Nothing to do now but blog about it.

And here I sit.

These past few nights my dreams have all been Philippines related.  Not in any specific way, they just took place in the Philippines or featured Filipinos.

While my sub-conscious has apparently taken something of leap into the future, here in the present I’m consciously aware that I’m withdrawing from my Korean life.  Such as it is.

Yesterday was the opening night of the new dart league season, the first season in over 10 years in which I haven’t participated (well, except for the year I was stuck in the states waiting on the green card for Jee Yeun).  I was at the bar of course to cheer for the home team, but more and more it feels like I have one foot out the door.

Eight or nine months to go yet, so I need to maintain some focus on reality, but I’m very much aware of the fact that a new life beckons.  I’m not so foolish as to expect it will be better, but given my state of mind, different will suffice.

Korea for me has become a land of broken dreams and broken promises.  And there always seems to be something to remind me of that sad fact.  So I need to let go and move on.  I’ve been wallowing in self-pity for far too long, I fear if I stay here I may drown in it.

In other news, it was back to the doctor on Monday morning.  Dr. Joe did the honors this time, and I walked out with another impressive collection of pills.  I honestly do think I’m slowly getting better, but without the meds I can’t get a decent nights sleep.  And it’s no good being sick and tired.  Trust me on that.

I will likely feel better about things when I can start walking again.  It’s just been too damn cold.  No matter how warm I dress, breathing that cold air wreaks havoc on the lungs. Hopefully next week I’ll get back in my routine.

Ah well, enough of this.  Things change.  Stick around.

If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.—anonymous