Here’s a short video clip of a home version of darts I don’t expect I will be trying anytime soon.

I did play in the Dolce Vita tourney last night. First round I was eliminated by Petro, but in the second tournament I drew Petro as my partner and we took first. Go figure.

Not me, Stephen Colbert. Check it out.

Hat Tip: Lao Ocean Girl

But at least I got to see the video. Now you can too!

Hell, I am staying. Looks like I made it over the hump at least….

Moxie links to this hilarious video from Penn and Teller. Funny and sad. People are such dupes, but given the consequences of ignorance we all eventually pay the price.

My Korean language skills are next to non-existent but someone sent me this Chinese lesson and it seems like it may be easier to learn….

Learning how to speak Chinese is really very easy

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)

ENGLISH — CHINESE

That’s not right — Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive? — Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP — Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man — Dum Fuk

Small Horse — Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? — Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table — Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift — Chin Tu Fat

It’s very dark in here — Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet — Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone — No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week — Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight — Lei Ying Lo

He’s cleaning his automobile — Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive — Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great — Fa Kin Su Pa

I don’t know, maybe this is not PC. I’d hate to be lumped in with Rosie O’Donnell. Then again, if you can’t take a joke, phook yu.

Well, being back home on a Sunday means doing the things I can’t do in Korea. One of those is reading the Sunday Washington Post. And having a home cooked pot roast. But let’s focus on the newspaper for now.

Actually the Post, although not nearly as blatant as the NY Times, tends to piss me off with its liberal bias. But what are you gonna do? They have a decent sports section and the comics are good. Plus, you get the Washington Post Magazine as well. So there are things to enjoy if you are willing to look hard enough. Anyway, one of the writers I particularly like is Gene Weingarten. He is normally quite witty and I was looking forward to his regular column in the Sunday Magazine. Imagine my surprise and delight to find he had penned a Christmas play at the request of a reader who teaches English in Seoul. Here’s the link, but since I went to the trouble of finding the column online, I am going to take the liberty of reprinting it in full here. I’m thinking since I’m such a big fan Mr. Weingarten (and the Post lawyers) will forgive me if I have exceeded the “fair use” limitations. I hope you enjoy:

Three Wise Men and One Dope
Gene writes a Christmas pageant

By Gene Weingarten
Sunday, December 24, 2006; W36

Dear Gene: I have been in Seoul, Republic of Korea, for three days. I am here teaching English to 6-year-olds and have just been informed that I must write a short Christmas play for eight students. I must confess that I am a heathen and know little of this Christmas spirit. Can you help? There must be exactly eight roles.

— Onno Savage

“The Seoul of Christmas”

A Play in One Act

Cast: Mary, Joseph, First Wise Man, Second Wise Man, Third Wise Man, Little Drummer Boy, a Lamb and Frankenstein’s Monster.

Scene opens in a manger.

Mary: We have a baby boy!

Joseph: What shall we name him?

Little Drummer Boy: How about Park Kim Lee Ji-Soo?

Mary: That is a fine name. We’ll just call him Ji-Soo.

First Wise Man: Here is some gold, Baby Ji-Soo.

Second Wise Man: What are you, crazy? Who gives gold to a baby?

First Wise Man: Well, what did YOU bring, wise guy?

Second Wise Man: Myrrh.

First Wise Man: What is that?

Second Wise Man: It is an aromatic resin often burned at funerals to hide the smell of rotting corpses.

First Wise Man: Oh, that’s a LOT better.

Third Wise Man: Well, I brought this.

(Third Wise Man goes behind a tree, emerges with Frankenstein’s Monster. Sound of crying from the cradle.)

Second Wise Man: You idiot. It was supposed to be frankincense. Take that thing away.

(Third Wise Man exits with the monster. Baby quiets down.)

Little Drummer Boy: Behold, there is a giant light in the sky!

(All the other characters immediately dive for cover.)

Little Drummer Boy: No, it’s okay. We’re not being nuked by Kim Jong Il. It’s just a very bright star.

(Everyone gets up.)

Lamb: It is proclaiming the birth of a newborn king. Joy to the world!

Everyone: Joy to the world!

First Wise Man: (to Second Wise Man) Did you know lambs can talk?

Second Wise Man: No, but if you hum a few baas I can fake it.

(Little Drummer Boy plays a rimshot.)

(Third Wise Man returns.)

Third Wise Man: So why are we here, again?

First Wise Man: To adore the baby.

(Three Wise Men gather around the cradle.)

Second Wise Man: He’s definitely adorable.

First Wise Man: Yep.

Third Wise Man: He looks just like Winston Churchill.

(All the other characters stare at Third Wise Man.)

First Wise Man: Let’s hope he grows up strong and wise and just.

Everyone: Hallelujah.

Second Wise Man: And filled with peace and goodwill for mankind.

Everyone: Hallelujah.

Third Wise Man: With a really forgiving sense of humor.

Everyone: (loudly) AMEN!

Gene Weingarten’s e-mail address is weingarten@washpost.com.

Still ten minutes to Christmas here in Virginia, but I’m staying up to see if Santa comes. I’ve been more nice than naughty this year. Honest.

Damn, it turned cold in a hurry. All the buildings are decked out in Christmas lights. So, I guess its time to be thinking about the origins of all those old Christmas traditions. Here’s one I got on email the other day…

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

But finding some fun stuff out there on the Inter Nets. Like this commerical. Enjoy.

I guess this is what it is coming to….

I guess it could be good or bad, depending on who you are sitting with. Might even make the middle seat more palatable….

I thought this was pretty funny…..

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks the question….

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”

WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”

WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”

WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”

WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”

WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”

WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”

WIFE: “Would you give her my jewelry?”
HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”

WIFE: “Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: “Yes, those are always good times.”

WIFE: “Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: — silence —
HUSBAND: “shit.”

Don’t be a victim! I got this on email and frankly had never considered the ramifications. I’ll certainly be more careful in the future…

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local
pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any
woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called “Beer.” The
drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, from taps and in large “kegs”.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to
persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. A
woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and
then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are
rendered helpless against this approach.

After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to
perform sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would never
normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with
only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night
before, often with just a vague feeling ! that “something bad”
occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their
life’s savings, in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” In
extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and
punishment referred to as “marriage.” Men are much more susceptible
to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the
predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall
victim to this ‘Beer’ and the women administering …. there are male
support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking
encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up “Golf Courses” in
the phone book.

To be honest, I’ve actually had some of that beer stuff. Apparently I am immune to its effects. Just sayin’.

It’s been cold, but we didn’t get a white Christmas this year. For others who didn’t get snow, here’s a place you can go to fulfil that age old desire to leave your “mark” so to speak. And for my female readers, this could be your only opportunity!

Alright, I’m finally clearing up my backlog of email. Sorry everyone, I have been “busy” at engaging in avoidance these past few days. My way of getting through the holidays alone was to just pretend it wasn’t happening. That and LOTS of time in bars. I guess you could say I traded holiday spirit for holiday spirits as it were.

Speaking of drinking, here’s a story from Texas. It was on the Internet, so it must be true!

Only a Texan could think of this …. from the county where drunk
driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas.
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated
that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a
few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an
eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed
to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a
number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
fine, dry summer night) — flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the
vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still
for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and
started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having
patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on
the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a
breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no
evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to
the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” said the truly proud Texan. “Tonight I’m the designated
decoy.”

Just so you know, I never drink and drive here. A) I don’t have too, there are 73 bars within 6 blocks of my apartment (and no, I have not seen them all, maybe 20 or so) and B) Drunk driving is severely punished here. Which is a good thing, because the way these people drive when the are sober is scary enough!

Well, the Army has met its recruitment targets for the past couple of months now. I am not sure this video had anything to do with that, but since someone emailed it to me I feel duty bound to share it.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO

And yeah, even though I’m a big supporter of the GWOT, I still have a sense of humor.

As a public service to my readers I pass along these “learning moments” that a friend sent via email”

Corporate Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel,”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”

“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.”
“Me first! Me first!” says the admin. clerk.
“I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world” Poof! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”
The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
“I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey,but I haven’t got the energy.”
“Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

It’s still pretty funny. Here’s a link to an audio clip from WKRP in Cincinnatti that might put you in some good holiday humor…