And while we are at it, there’s this:

Sadly, Americans have not mastered the proper method of preparing ramyon.

Regular readers know that I’ve been feeling a little depressed lately.  I had a particularly bad time of it yesterday, so I called the suicide hotline number.  Got transferred to a call center in Pakistan.  When I told they guy who answered I was thinking about killing myself he got all excited and asked “can you drive a truck?”

Bada bing!

Hope you like chicken.

Apparently American white guys are going crazy about Asian women.  Can’t say that I blame them.  Still, there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about trying to make your fantasies come true.  This video is a hilarious take on how it would be if Asian women hit on white guys in a similar fashion:

But my all time favorite in the stereotype genre is this one:

I’ve discovered evidence that ISIS is actively recruiting there.

These analogies are like coming to LTG and finding something worthwhile to read.  I expect my readers to be pessimists–rarely disappointed but sometimes pleasantly surprised.

(Which is to say the analogies at the link are a lot funnier than my feeble effort.  Which now that I look at it, is really not an analogy at all.  Sue me.)

Update:  In an entirely unrelated matter, this was in my email box this morning.  Maybe the folks who teach English will find it useful.  Or not.

ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF

(Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization 
headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language ...
until they tried to pronounce it.  To help them discard an array of 
accents, the verses below were devised.  After trying them, a Frenchman 
said he'd prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud.  
Try them yourself.)

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I!  Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; Cloven, oven, how and low, 
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sleeve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does.  Now 
first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, 
gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Mouth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of 
Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

Why can’t American commercials be this funny?

It’s a Dutch commercial, but I found it posted in French.  Hence my attempt at humor with a phonetic rendering of the only French I know in the title of this post.

Speaking of the French, President Obama was in for some criticism this week:

French Foreign Minister Laurent Fabius has a message about Iraq for Barack Obama: Get back to the White House and do something.

“I know it is the holiday period in our Western countries,” Fabius told a radio interviewer Tuesday in France, “but when people are dying, you must come back from vacation.”

As one wag put it “who thought we’d see the day when the French would criticize the Americans for taking too much vacation.”

According to this report smelling farts may help prevent cancer.  I mentioned this to Jee Yeun this morning and she noted that that was only true in small doses.  I’m not sure what she was implying, but I owe it to her to do everything I can to keep her cancer free.

Although apparently the science on this is not “settled”.  And if we continue passing wind for the benefit of our friends and neighbors health are we not running the risk of increased global warming?  Damned if you do, damned if you don’t I suppose.

Someone sent me the video below and I found it quite funny.  It’s in some archaic language that only Kevin Kim will understand; but no worries, there are subtitles for the rest of us.

As a public service to my faithful reader(s) I wanted to share this article on the 15 most common misspellings.  Who knew learning could be such fun?

France surrenders in the face of Russian aggression.

One top French General was quoted as saying, “Rather than suffer an embarrassing hypothetical defeat on a possible battlefield, we pre-empted the unlikely conflict with surrender – it was the only logical solution to the potential problem.”

The foreign press reported that Vladimir Putin commented on the surrender while performing his morning ritual of wrestling a grizzly bear, “France is not part of Russia. They are merely new vacation spot, we have no need for country full of coward wine drinkers, true Russians drink vodka!” The media will certainly be keeping an eye on the developing situation, as well as the response from the White House, which is expected later today. Press Secretary Jay Carney has told the media to expect a swift response from the President in light of the recent events, saying “The Department of Justice will be prosecuting the producer of the inflammatory Miley Cyrus YouTube video that caused all of this, as well as delivering an apology on behalf of the United States to all involved. We are hoping that the apology will cause all of this to kind of die down and go away so we can focus on the real issues of gun violence and the Affordable Healthcare Act”

So their!