Ah, Merry Christmas to each and every one!

You know, I’m not a religious man so the holiday has no spiritual significance to me.  It’s a day I’ve always enjoyed with family.  My sweet mother loved all the festivities.  I sure do miss her.  I have no family here to share the day with, but I’ve been invited to a Christmas celebration later this afternoon.  Tonight my friend Mi Young will be joining me for dinner, so all is not lost.

That about sums it up.

Christmas is just one of those days I suppose.  Three years ago on Christmas Jee Yeun told me for the first time she wanted a divorce.  Two years ago when she repeated her request I moved out.  And of course two months ago Loraine stabbed me in the heart.

But…in two days I’ll be flying to the Philippines to begin preparing for the rest of my life.  And yes, I’m doing much better at looking forward these days.  The old memories may make me sad, but there are new memories just waiting to be experienced.  I’m so ready to get on with it.

So here’s to 2018, the year I’ve been waiting for!

So this is Christmas
And what have you done?
Another year over
And a new one just begun

And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear

I always appreciate comments from my long suffering readers.  Especially when they give me pause to think.

My friend and fellow blogger Kevin Kim left this simple comment on my post “Everything changes”: You, sir, are Heraclitus’ river.  Well.  Heraclitus was vaguely familiar in my muddled memory, but I had to go to Wikipedia to see exactly what he meant.

Heraclitus was famous for his insistence on ever-present change as being the fundamental essence of the universe, as stated in the famous saying, “No man ever steps in the same river twice”.

So, yes.  Everything does in fact change, including the water in the river I often encounter on my walks.  Heraclitus also said “the path up and down are one and the same”, which resonated with me as well.

I also had to chuckle when I read that Heraclitus was known as “the weeping philosopher”. Sounds like the perfect mentor for me!

As always, thank you for the education Kevin!

I also received this from a long time reader but first time commenter (thank you!) JTthomas:

None of my business and you’re more than welcome to tell me to F off; but your life seems to be made up of work, walking, and drinking. I don’t think I’ve ever read where you watched a movie, binged on a TV series, read a book, finished a crossword or jigsaw puzzle, or anything else relating to a pastime or hobby.

Yes, you are exactly right and that has been on my mind as well.  My descent into being boring is a relatively recent event.  Back in the day I was big into binge watching my favorite TV shows, especially in the USA iteration of my life.  I still have my Netflix account active, but honestly I just can’t seem to sit still long enough to watch even a full episode of a series I’d otherwise enjoy.  I also used to be big into darts but I seem to have lost my passion for the game somewhere along the way.

Well, honestly those were things I did when I was enjoying the relative stability of married life.  I’ve kind of gone off the rails these past couple of years.  And the drinking thing…well, I know I’ve got to start moderating my self-medication for psychic pain.  I drink 4-6 beers every night in what passes for my social life here in Anjeong-ri.  And it helps me to shut my brain off long enough to get some sleep.

But I do have a more robust vision for my future life in the Philippines.  I’m going to join the local Hash House Harriers (a drinking club with a running problem).  I fully intend to get back into darting on a regular basis.  I’ll join a gym and do volunteer work with local charitable organizations.  In short, I’ll try and rediscover a more fulfilling lifestyle.

I’ll also continue to walk so I won’t miss out on fascinating observations like this:

The giant marshmallow harvest is now complete. Apparently.

Seven days out from my return to the Philippines for a short vacation.  Something interesting is bound to happen, right?  And you’ll read all about it here on LTG.

Stay tuned!

In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the remainders
Of every glove that laid him down
And cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
“I am leaving, I am leaving”
But the fighter still remains

Courtesy of Facebook comes this memory from December 19, 2014;

That was me, fat and (relatively) happy as a married man.

Little did I know that one year later the wife would tell me she wanted a divorce. These past two years have been a soul crushing emotional roller coaster ride.  I’ve been wrong about so many things and learned some painful lessons along the way.

BUT. Everything may change but not all change is bad.  For example, I’m more than 60 pounds lighter now.  I may have lost seven years of my life to a failed marriage, but perhaps I’ve gained at least that much in longevity with my new found healthier lifestyle.

I don’t know that I’m a better man than I was back then, but I am a changed man.  The guy in that photo no longer exists.  Now I need to get on with finding out what happens next.  And learning to enjoy the ride.

The sun may be setting on my Korea life, but new adventures await.

Well, I am.  Apparently.

One of the side effects of spending hours alone on the road is it gives me time to think. That’s not always a good thing, but my brain seems to have a mind of its own in that regard.

Anyway, I’ve recently had occasion to be thinking about my love life.  Such as it is.  And the truth of the matter is that despite appearances and current circumstances, I’ve been blessed with more than my share of love relationships in this lifetime.  And so I decided to do a little self-assessment to see what pearls of wisdom I might glean from these past experiences as I move forward in my quest for finding true and lasting love in my lifetime.

A caveat:  I am defining love relationships as being a mutual thing—both parties actively engaged in the pursuit of love in all its glory.  For example, since the failure of my last marriage I have had two women profess their love for me, love that at the time I was unwilling and unable to return.  They are not on this list, and I know they were both hurt by my lack of reciprocity.  I’m happy to report that both of these people remain true and supportive friends to me, and that has brought me great comfort during the past few difficult weeks.

Let’s begin at the beginning, shall we?

1. Karen.  My first love.  My high school sweetheart.  Interestingly, we have remained in sporadic communication over the years.  Including an amazing couple of nights at our twentieth high school reunion.  She had moved a couple hours away in senior year and I didn’t prove to be a faithful boyfriend doing the long distance relationship thing. I broke her heart.  Score (0-1-0)
2. Gail.  I started seeing Gail after Karen moved away, but before I had ended things with Karen.  In the end Gail got tired of waiting for me to make up mind, so she made it up for me. She broke my heart.  Score (1-1-0)
3. Bridget.  Became wife #1.  We were both teenagers (19 and 17) when she became pregnant with our first child, a daughter.  Five years and a son later we had grown apart and she wanted a life that did not include the obligations of being a wife and mother.  She gave me custody of the kids and moved on.  I had also met someone else as well. Mutual decision.  Score (1-1-1)
4. KaraLynne.  A woman who changed my life in so many ways.  The love of my life in the sense that I’ve never again gone “all in” like I did with her.  She was going to graduate school in Idaho and met another man (whom she eventually married).  Almost 40 years later now, but I’m almost over it.  Almost. She broke my heart.  Score (2-1-1)
5. Pamela.  In my devastation over KaraLynne, I sold everything I owned that wouldn’t fit in my car and moved to Oklahoma to be with my kids on my parent’s small farm.  Pam was a sweet and innocent country girl who gave me her virginity.  In time I grew bored with her and knew I had to move on. I broke her heart.  Score (2-2-1)
6. Darla.  Another country girl I met while working together at the Fort Smith, Arkansas post office.  Seven years my junior and such a sweet young thing.  She came over at midnight the day I turned 30 saying she wanted to do something with me I’d never forget.  I haven’t.  Not sure what happened after that, but one day she said she was ready to move on (Karma perhaps?) and left me.She broke my heart. Score (3-2-1)
7. Beckie.  Wife #2.  Probably the best woman I have ever known.  The kind of woman I wanted to help me raise my kids.  To her credit, she is still a big part of their lives.  Once the kids were grown though, I realized we had nothing in common.  And I had an affair. I broke her heart.  Score (3-3-1)
8. Carol.  The woman I had the affair with and who became wife #3.  We had such a passionate relationship.  Full of fire, but not always in a good way.  We argued ferociously about politics but in a weird kind of way I really miss the intensity of that relationship.  We cared enough to fight about things.  I moved to Korea, she was supposed to join me here.  She changed her mind about that and I was unwilling to return home. Mutual decision.  Score (3-3-2)
9. Se Hwa.  My first true Korean girlfriend.  Met her on a dating site.  Twenty years younger than me.  Her dream was to go to graduate school in the USA.  I helped her achieve that goal knowing I wouldn’t be going back with her.  So, I knew early on that the relationship had an expiration date.  What got me was the way she chose to end it.  By email.  While we were living together!  I told her she couldn’t do that, she had to break up to my face.  So she did.  A couple of days later she called and said she was leaving for the states the following month to start school and asked if she could stay in my guest room until she left.  And like a fool I agreed.   That was a torturous time for me, the woman I loved being so close and yet so far. She broke my heart. Score (4-3-2)
10. Jee Yeun.  Wife #4.  I met Jee Yeun shortly after Se Hwa had departed.  She worked in the beauty salon on base and did my pedicures.  I asked her out to dinner, she came home with me, and as I tell the story, she never left.  I had warned her that I would be retiring and moving to the Philippines the following year.  But she wanted to stay with me until I left.  I eventually came to realize that her love was genuine and I decided that having her love in my life was more important than my Philippines dream.  So I made a new plan, bought us a fine little house in the states, and went about living the life I thought would always be mine.  Until one day it wasn’t.  I still have no understanding about why she turned her back on me and everything we had built together. She broke my heart.  Score (5-3-2)
11. Eun Oke.  Losing Jee Yeun had shaken my understanding and belief in love to its core.  I really thought I was done with all that madness once and for all.  And then nine months later I got introduced to Eun Oke.  She was fun to hang out with, good company, and a good cure for my loneliness.  And I’ll be damned if I didn’t start having feelings for her.  I invited her along with me on a trip to the Philippines and we had a blast.  Right up until the night before we returned home when she woke me up at o’dark-thirty to tell me she was breaking up with me.  A week or so later we decided it was all a misunderstanding and gave it another go.  A month later she walked out on me again.  This time a mutual friend intervened and convinced me to give her another chance.  A few weeks later while I lay coughing on the living room in the middle of the night (my undiagnosed COPD) she packed upher shit and drove away.  I’m a “three strikes and you’re out” kinda guy, so that was it for me.  And I vowed then and there never again would I be sucked into loving someone. She broke my heart.  Score (6-3-2)
12. Loraine.  I met Loraine on Filipina Cupid early in 2016.  We chatted for most of the year.  I invited her to join me in Puerto Galera as my “tour guide” and welcome in the New Year 2017.  She was amazing, especially when I got sick.  That got me thinking that I should hire her to be my caregiver, the idea being I’d get everything I needed from a relationship without all the baggage that comes with love.  It seemed like the perfect plan.  Until it wasn’t.  I wound up falling in love with her, but was not honest with her or myself about that.  I just assumed she would always stay by my side.  Until she didn’t.  When I finally confessed my love for her it was too late, she had found someone else.  I’m sad about that because she never got to experience what my love would have meant or the life that I had envisioned us sharing.  I think she made a mistake giving up on me, but I hope I’m wrong about that.  I do want her to have a happy life.She broke my heart.  Score (7-3-2).

And there you have it, the sad and sordid story of my love life.  Writing about my past has proven much more painful than I anticipated.  There are many lessons to be gleaned from this history of mistakes and broken promises.  Hard lessons to be sure, but with every goodbye you learn.

I know I am a better man now than I ever was before.  For example, I was a good husband to Jee Yeun.  She’s the only wife I never cheated on and I always did my best to take care of her.  I also think I’m less selfish now than I used to be and my expectations from a relationship are much more realistic.  I simply want someone who will care for me in the same way that I will care for her, who will be loyal and stay by my side through good times and bad.  I’m easy to please!

Anyway, I’ve come full circle.  I’m resolved to live in the moment.  Will there be a lucky #13 who will be my lover in the future? I’m open to having love in my life again, but if that is not my destiny then I can at least take comfort in the knowledge that I’ve had a lifetime full of being loved, if only for a while.  I can’t live in the past or change those things that have led me to this moment in time.  I can only resolve to be the kind of loving and generous man I know I can be.

I will remain optimistic and take comfort in knowing that it only hurts until the pain goes away.

Let her cry, if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing, if it eases all her pain
Let her go, let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow, let her be
Let her be

Well I’ve been out walking
I don’t do that much talking these days
These days-
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
For you
And all the times I had the chance to

And I had a lover
It’s so hard to risk another these days
These days-
Now if I seem to be afraid
To live the life I have made in song
Well it’s just that I’ve been losing so long

I’ll keep on moving
Things are bound to be improving these days
These days-
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten, my friend
Don’t confront me with my failures
I had not forgotten them

This pretty much captures my “acceptance theory”, although it has proven to be easier said than done. I am however making progress each day, so I’ll be satisfied with that.

Woke up to a snowy morning and more is predicated tonight.

Looking out my front door.

In other news, single life is not all it’s cracked up to be:

Story of my life.

But, it can always be worse I suppose:

I hate when that happens.

Actually, it did kind of happen to me in a way.  My first Korean girlfriend (some long time readers may remember Se Hwa) broke up with my via email.  While we were living together.  That’s about as fucked up as it can get I suppose.

Well, in the category of “what comes next?”, I’m trying to stay in the game, more or less.  Finding a suitable woman on dating sites like Filipina Cupid is like looking for a needle in a haystack.  I didn’t find a needle there, but I did come across a Gem.  Well, Gemma, but she goes by Gem.  Technically, she found me I suppose, sending the first tentative “how are you?” message. We’ve been chatting for three or four weeks now, and so far I’ve found nothing wrong with her.  Other than she is not the one my heart is aching for.  Still, letting go of what’s gone and being satisfied with what remains is my new modis operandi.  More or less.

Gem was formerly an OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker) where she worked as a caregiver in Israel.  She got fucked over by her Israeli boyfriend in a way that puts my sorrow to shame.  He cheated with her best friend (some friend) and knocked her up.  That was two years ago and she tells me I’m the first guy since that she’s been willing to take a chance on.

Gem seems to have her shit pretty much together.  She tells me she owns a house and condo which she rents out, freelances in real estate, and is doing alright financially.  She she just wants someone to love to make her life complete.

And the other night she told me she was sorry, she knows I just want to be friends for now, but she can’t help falling in love with me.  Damn, that does freak me out.  I guess everyone defines love in their own way, and I’m certainly now open to being in love (better late than never, right?), but like I told her, there’s no way I’d ever fall in love with someone I’ve never met in person.  She said she understands that.

I told her she was welcome to join me in Subic for the New Year and she has agreed.  She even has a car and is willing to drive us there (she lives in Manila).  So, we will see if the in-person chemistry and compatibility tests are successful when we meet and go from there.  She seems excited about the week I have planned for us, so it’s a start.

Gem. 49 years old. Two grown daughters. Smart and fun loving. What’s not to like?

Today Facebook reminded me that exactly one year ago I posted a poem on love by Kahlil Gibran.  My comment on the poem at the time was “it almost makes me wish I believed in love again”.

I was so arrogantly stupid to believe that I could avoid love or live without it long term.  And that stupidity cost me big time.  So my heart is now wide open to all possibilities, but I’m not going to be in any hurry.  I’m looking forward to getting to know more about Gem and I hope that we get along as well in person as we do online.  After that, we’ll just let nature take it’s course.

But at least I’m moving forward again.  Baby steps, but forward motion regardless.  Wish me luck!

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.