Comments Posted By Kevin Kim
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Regarding that final meme about the dead wife: strangely enough, I originally saw that joke in French. I’m guessing it originated in the States and bounced over to France, where the culture is similar enough for such a joke to still be funny.
As for Althouse’s comma issue:
I’ll agree with Althouse that that first comma does trip you up, but you need to read on to see that the comma actually makes sense. Althouse insists on overlooking that that comma is the first in a pair of commas that, together, create a parenthetical expression. One respondent, Matt Sablan, said almost exactly what I was thinking:
I think the author thought it was being used in the way Purdue lists here: under reason 3 (3. Use a pair of commas in the middle of a sentence to set off clauses, phrases, and words that are not essential to the meaning of the sentence. Use one comma before to indicate the beginning of the pause and one at the end to indicate the end of the pause.)
The problem being that it is a pretty big sentence and should have been two. I would have re-written it like so (without changing the tone or wording):
“Some protesters continued to spread their message and mayhem by temporarily shutting down major roads and tussling with police after the March on Washington.”
That’s a great analysis. My only quibble is with his phrase “The problem being,” which is ungrammatical: it should be “The problem is.” (I got roundly corrected in college for starting a sentence with “Point being, …”)
Sablan has more to say farther down the thread; he self-identifies as a “professional editor.” This makes sense, given his erudite response. Alas, I think Althouse is going to stubbornly focus on the one comma that threw her rhythm off instead of viewing that comma as part of a pair. I’d agree with both Sablan and Althouse, though, that the sentence could stand some rewriting. Sablan’s suggested rewrite is quite good; I can’t top it.
Thanks for the several shout-outs!
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 31/August/2020 @ 3:01 pm
“After giving the matter lots of thought, I’ve concluded that I am unlikely to change because I’m not at all sure that I want to change.”
One of the most honest things you’ve written. Not to imply that your blog is full of lies, but in terms of clear introspection, the above quote is significant.
You’re right, of course: relationships always have a transactional dimension, but I was referring to baser things like money and physical gratification when I used that term, and also to the idea that focusing on the getting is the wrong way to go: in a healthy, loving relationship, you focus on the giving.
When my brother Sean asked me to be the officiant at his wedding in 2015, one of my jobs was to give a short homily. I can no longer remember everything I said that day; it was all pretty much unscripted except for a few sketchy bullet points I had memorized. I do remember that my homily was on the nature of love, which I think may be relevant to your situation.
I started my homily off by joking that it was ironic that I, the one unmarried brother among us three brothers, was the idiot who had been asked to discourse on love and marriage. I submitted that love was, ultimately, less about feelings than about actions: emotions come and go like weather patterns, and feelings aren’t a reliable indicator of the reality of a relationship. A mom might be angry enough at her kids to want them to disappear, but she’ll still pack their lunches and send them off to school with a kiss because love is what grounds her thoughts and actions, not her temporary anger. I noted that love is built on a foundation of trust: there can be no love without trust, which involves a willingness to take risks and to make a leap of faith. I also talked about how it felt to witness my mother’s slow death by brain cancer, and how I often wished, during her nine-month decline, that I’d had the Jesus-like power to touch her forehead, take the cancer into myself, and happily die in her place. From that experience, I learned that love entails the unquestioning willingness to sacrifice oneself. You have kids, and I’m sure you’d take a bullet for them without hesitation, so you know what I mean.
Romance and lust aren’t love. A vaguely warm-fuzzy feeling and fantasies about a future existence together—these things aren’t love, either. Love runs much more deeply than that. And I can tell you this: love isn’t confused about what it is and what it wants. When you confessed on the blog to being frightened of the possibility of committing to J, that was an obvious signal to me that, whatever is/was going on between you and her, it isn’t/wasn’t love although, given time and care, it might develop into love.
If we’re talking about leaps of faith, consistently loving actions, and the willingness to sacrifice oneself, I think we’re talking about something far greater than the merely transactional. Love is deep, and it’s less about the getting than it is about the giving.
I’m sorry if my words have been torturing you this whole time. I can see you’ve become relentlessly focused on the notion of transactionality. It sounds as if you may be on your way to figuring out the riddle of your own nature and how to reconcile yourself with it. As always, good luck!
PS: I realize I may have misquoted the other commenter; I should go back and check. He may have written “pay to play,” not “pay for play.” Whichever phrasing he used, it was a smart observation.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 29/August/2020 @ 8:33 pm
It’s good to be alive.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 28/August/2020 @ 6:28 pm
Today, I hoist a fizzy mug of Coke in your honor. As always, thanks for maintaining a blog that is both educational (about the Philippines) and entertaining (thanks to your, uh, candor). Many happy returns as you continue your joyride through this thing we call __________ .
a. retirement
b. life
c. depression
d. samsara» Posted By Kevin Kim On 27/August/2020 @ 2:10 pm
Bukowski must be potent, indeed. Ayn Rand, too.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 26/August/2020 @ 7:43 pm
We’ve got a typhoon arriving Thursday, so it’ll be an exciting time to hoist a mug in your honor.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 26/August/2020 @ 5:17 pm
Your actual birthday is the… 27th? Well, that takes the cake.
Good walk! I hope your wound is all washed and patched up.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 25/August/2020 @ 4:37 pm
Wow. I’ve watched the above-embedded video. “Cynical” is the polite way to put it.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 25/August/2020 @ 12:34 am
And then you’ve got “9 Ways to Spot a Scammer in the Philippines.”
Lotsa’ scammers out there. And I gotta say… this seems like a really cynical series of videos. There’s another one with a title like, “Should You Take Your Filipina Back to the West?” The phrase “your Filipina” sounds almost like “your dog.” Ugh. “Now that you’ve acquired your spanking-new Filipina, how do you feed and water her?”
It’s sad enough when men treat women as objects. It’s arguably worse when women themselves buy into that worldview.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 24/August/2020 @ 8:14 pm
“Transactional relationships.”
I guess that phrase really sank in, didn’t it.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 24/August/2020 @ 1:23 pm
I think there’s potential for good things, here, and I trust you’ll both work it out. Just keep on a-talkin’.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 24/August/2020 @ 11:47 am
[Please delete first comment. Thanks!]
Not sure I can decipher what was going on in that exchange, but if J is saying you shouldn’t have told her what you’d told her during lunch because of how it made HER feel, well, that’s a bit selfish. But I don’t know… maybe that’s just her knee-jerk reaction to hearing something she didn’t want to hear, and not having the time to process it. I think that, once she’s rational again, she’ll see the wisdom inherent in your stepping back, and she’ll understand what you’re intending by not putting her under any pressure. (If she fails to understand this, then she’s not for you.)
It could also be that she’s frightened of the responsibility of having to face her current beau, and when you step away from the situation, you’re leaving her alone in front of an oncoming locomotive (emphasis on “loco”). Maybe she’d rather hide in a tucked-away little fantasy world with you, pretending that her beau doesn’t exist, and that there are no house-sized financial commitments to consider. If so, that’s not healthy on her part, and her rational mind knows this perfectly well. She needs to face her beau, and she needs to be clear, in her own mind, about what she wants out of life and out of you.
All in all, I’d say you did the right thing. In any relationship, even one that’s this messed up, communication is absolutely necessary. Asians don’t necessarily appreciate this, but it’s true all the same. The one thing I really didn’t understand was this:
“Her decision should be solely about him and her without consideration of her feelings towards me.”
Let’s say she does have sincere feelings toward you. How is J not supposed to take those feelings into account? And by telling her that you don’t see yourself as “a second choice or a fallback option,” aren’t you telling her that, if she wants you, then you want to be the one and only man in her life? This all seems confusing and contradictory. You’re telling her there’s no pressure, yet you seem to be pressuring her. (Not that that’s a bad thing: you’re merely being honest when you say that you don’t want to be second-best. What man or woman wants that for him- or herself?)
Maybe it’s just a matter of clear phrasing. I get that you don’t want to twist her arm and somehow force her to choose you, and I get that you also don’t want to be less than numero uno if she does choose you. But is there a clear way to phrase this that doesn’t involve self-contradiction?
Then we also have to factor in the unreadiness (well, the terror) that you confessed to earlier when J seemed to express a willingness to commit to you. Why give her the “I don’t want to be second” speech if you yourself aren’t ready for any sort of commitment?
See why I’m confused? I think you’re sending J very mixed messages about what you want, and you need to sort things out in your own head before you go much further. Giving J a respectful distance is a good first step. Talking things through with her, whenever she wants to talk, is a good second step. Just don’t let your ex—Little Miss M of the weird teeth—crawl into bed with you again while this all plays out. (I know you said she now doesn’t want to see you, but she’s a bit like you in terms of following her baser needs and impulses instead of listening to her higher self.)
Good luck. Sincerely. Remaking oneself is never easy.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 24/August/2020 @ 1:51 am
Of course, there are plenty of Canucks who would also pronounce “mouse” as “moose” or “mohss.”
I see they haven’t adopted the Korean method of informing citizens of new infections via text message. Much easier and more convenient, although also somewhat obnoxious, given how those messages override everything else on your phone and demand immediate attention.
Good luck as you wait for the hammer to fall, regulations-wise.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 22/August/2020 @ 3:31 pm
I admire your fortitude when it comes to inclement weather. And I’m surprised you never report getting blisters and other irritations from all the mud- and muck-tromping you guys do.
Oh, and that “Cuties” poster? Ick. For once, the original French poster was less sexual than the American version. Third girl from the left (white girl with one hand in the air) reminds me of Dominic Monaghan. In case the name doesn’t ring a bell, he’s the actor who played the hobbit “Merry” Meriadoc Brandybuck in Peter Jackson’s “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 21/August/2020 @ 8:05 pm
I wrote:
“Decisions pile onto decision.”
That second “decision” should be plural. Apologies.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 20/August/2020 @ 7:50 pm
A fine meditation, which I view with both gladness and caution. Gladness, because it’s always good to be introspective; caution, because you’ve written loftily before but, as you say above, “I’m honestly wondering whether it is even possible to change what I’ve become at this late stage of my life.” That sounds like a hedge, like someone who will stubbornly cling to his ways, like a toy robot trying to walk through that wall, never learning a thing.
One way to envision karma is as the momentum of all our previous actions and choices. This momentum can exert a ferocious pressure on you: you smoke your first cigarette when you’re young, and as time goes by, you form a smoking habit that becomes harder and harder to break. Decisions pile onto decision. Treating women a certain way is the same thing: you get used to interacting with them in that way, and pretty soon, it becomes natural.
But karma’s flip side, at least in the Buddhist tradition, is that you’re not merely subject to karma: you’re also making karma every moment. This means it is possible for you to break out of a vicious cycle or pull out of a serious nosedive. It’s all up to you, and it always has been. Free will exists in and through our various compulsions, urges, moral failings, and hangups. You—we—always have a choice.
But let’s get real: you’ve engaged in self-flagellation on the blog before; how has that worked out for you? Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what any of us commenters might say, nor does it really matter what promises, pledges, and resolutions you make in public: until you actually move your internal needle, nothing is going to change. And that’s wholly up to you.
As to the specific issue of women: philosopher Immanuel Kant had this profound notion: don’t treat your fellow human beings as a means to an end. Instead, treat everyone as ends in themselves. To use an ancient Greek image, try to see the divine spark in every person—in every woman—you meet. Once you see that spark and how it manifests in each woman’s unique traits and character, it’ll be much harder to treat her as one side of a transaction, or as an object to be mistreated, lied to, toyed with, etc.
By my count, I’ve been with twelve women in the 27 months I’ve lived here….maybe what seems like nothing out of the ordinary is actually quite perverted in the eyes of others.
By my monastic standards, that’s a whole rugby-pile of women, John. Not perverted, per se, but definitely a sign of incurable horniness. Keep that thing on a leash, or wear one of your dogs as a condom!
Anyway, good luck as you forge ahead.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 20/August/2020 @ 7:31 pm
I hope this trail becomes part of your routine. It looks great!
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 20/August/2020 @ 3:10 pm
Great pics as usual. Looks to have been a good Hash. Whatever we may have said in the comments of the previous post, I remain convinced that joining the Hashers is one of the very best decisions you’ve made. (For whatever that opinion is worth!)
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 18/August/2020 @ 10:21 pm
John,
Having read the steadily mounting comments to this post, I think you’ve reached an inflection point, given the general tenor of the comments you’re receiving. You’ve been presented with several options, all of which seem much more honest than the path you’re currently on.
1. Chase tail in a different town. (honestly pragmatic)
2. Say “fuck it” and continue your DNA-spreading spree in this town. (honest self-assessment and acceptance of who you are)
3. Start treating women as actual human beings and not merely as tail to nail. (honest, honorable conduct toward women, not to mention a path to self-improvement)I know which option I’d pick.
You might counter that you do treat women well, but from my perch, you really don’t. Sex is always the ulterior motive in your interactions with most women, and the self-deception comes in when you conflate sex with loftier things like love and companionship. Based on what I’ve learned about local Filipina women from your misadventures, a lot of them seem to be just as cold, calculating, businesslike, and pragmatic as the Korean women you left behind. Maybe you’re OK with a “she uses me; I’m using her” dynamic. I’m not, but I also can’t tell you what to do. The best I can do is submit my opinion.
If you really are seeking some sort of love and companionship, you have to start by eliminating the transactional dimension of your “relationships.” Another astute commenter used the phrase “pay for play” to describe your situation. As long as you’re unable to rise above the transactional (she gets something out of this; I get something out of this), you’re doomed to marinate in your own hell.
The problem that I am (we are) seeing, though, is that, like a wind-up toy aimed at a wall, you tend to hit that wall and to keep stubbornly trying to walk through it. You’ve been great about accepting the various criticisms we’ve offered (frankly, I might not react so well if I were in your place), but deep down, you’re not really accepting them. You’re stubbornly, eternally walking into that wall, into that wall, into that wall. Until you divorce yourself from that momentum and that trajectory (some would call this karma), nothing is going to change, no matter how much you rhapsodize about loftier things. For now, you seem to be a creature of the muck—earthy, earthly, and guided purely by base impulses. This is why I used the word “depravity”: it’s an apt term to be associated with such a being.
I could end by saying, “You’re better than this,” but… are you? I no longer know.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 18/August/2020 @ 3:18 pm
In the other comment thread, I wrote that we can at least be sure that your feelings for J don’t amount to love. At this point, I’d say it’s clear that there’s no seriousness at all regarding your relationship with J, and that you’re content to use women the way they may or may not be using you. The deceit and the fucking-around certainly aren’t indicative of a relationship built on substance, and if substance is what you claim to crave, you sure have a funny way of following that desire.
Someone ought to write a script for a cinematic comedy based on your life. Your moral depravity doesn’t affect me or your other male friends since we’re not in danger of being sexually targeted by you, but if you really do want something more out of life than to treat the women around you as little more than ambulatory vaginas, something very basic in your outlook and your morality is going to have to change.
Other commenters will chime in with their own practical wisdom, but the way I see it, you’re better off being honest with yourself and acknowledging that you’re really not looking for anything more substantive than the carnal.
Has it occurred to you that your ex is probably aware you’ve been with J, and this is the ex’s way of re-marking her “territory”? She now has ammunition that she can “accidentally” let slip during a heated conversation with J, whom she may see (for whatever bizarre, petty reason) as a rival. You’ve dug yourself a lovely hole.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 17/August/2020 @ 3:08 pm
Well, at least we know that whatever you’re feeling for J is not love, or this would never have happened. I’m all for clarity. One mystery solved; several to go!
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 17/August/2020 @ 11:26 am
“And then I wound up doing something stupid. I probably got away with it this time, but I’m pretty disappointed in myself. When will I ever learn?”
So I guess you’re going to leave us hanging as to what the stupid thing was, with only the cartoon as a hint, ja? Thinking with the dick again, is my guess. Deny it all you want, but you’re driven by lust, man. This will be your undoing.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 16/August/2020 @ 7:20 pm
Those face shields are ridiculous. You look like a cafeteria worker. Has there been any official explanation as to why face shields are necessary, above and beyond masks?
“When life gives you lemons…” Maybe turn your face shield into a positive thing by starting up a food truck. Heh.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 15/August/2020 @ 6:11 pm
Well, you can only control your own actions in this matter, and you’ve made it clear* you’re stepping back for the next little while, so it’s up to J to do what must be done. Will she have the strength to break things off with a guy that—I think you both agree—is fairly stupid?
If J is openly declaring love** for you, then breaking up with her man seems to be the only path ahead. It’s going to be difficult, given all the guy has invested in his construction project, but the guy’s own stupidity is what put him in this situation. Obviously, no one needs to consider the guy’s feelings in this matter unless there’s a danger he’s psychotic.
Question is: do you love J? If you’re not sure, then you probably won’t want to lead her on. Real love is something you’re sure about. (Remember what the Oracle said in “The Matrix”?)
Anyway, it seems clear that J needs to free herself from her current tangle before anything more can happen. She’s given you license to do what you want while you wait for her, but I’d recommend doing the noble thing and just waiting for her as opposed to fucking around on the side. My two scents, said the skunk.
———-
*Not sure whether that bout of sex afterward made things “clearer.” I suspect not. You both need to learn to control your appetites: they’re getting in the way of rationally navigating this shit show.
**Is this love, though? You’ve known J for a while, but you’ve been a couple for a very, very short time. How is this different from J’s short time with her current boyfriend? It seems that, with J, things always move very fast. That’d be a red flag for me, and I’d be thinking about whether J’s hastiness is what entrapped her other man. On the positive side, J at least sounded as if she’d be willing to let you go for the sake of love, which is the opposite of a red flag.
You’re on your own with this one, McCrarey.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 14/August/2020 @ 6:27 pm
I seem to be saying this a lot, but good luck with “the talk!”
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 13/August/2020 @ 4:26 pm
Sounds about right. They do love themselves some leaf action.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 13/August/2020 @ 7:19 pm
If I’m not mistaken, you’re looking at good ol’ tent caterpillars, which are all over northern Virginia. Fry ’em up and see how they taste! or at least look up in the trees to see their tents/nests.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 12/August/2020 @ 5:58 pm
Good luck as you figure out when to color inside the lines and when to flout the regulations.
The day looked wet and wild!
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 11/August/2020 @ 5:09 pm
We’ve had some nasty, nasty flooding by the Han River. One section of the Olympic Expressway was completely covered; I imagine that whole stretch of road will need to be repaired, given how soaked the packed earth underneath the roadway has gotten.
Hang in there! Rainy season won’t last forever. I hope. In the meantime, shut the fuck up and enjoy the view! (That goes for me, too.)
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 10/August/2020 @ 3:42 pm
«« Back To Stats PageA family friend recently forwarded to me a series of photos showing painted staircases from around the world: artistic efforts to make life just a bit less boring. Many of those photos were incredibly beautiful: from the correct angle, the staircases formed portraits of famous people, various types of still life, or evocative abstract images. I thanked my friend for sending over those moments of beauty. It’s important to remember that life contains such moments, which may be ephemeral, but which nevertheless leave a mark as they pass.
In that spirit, then, thanks for sharing these moments of literary beauty. There is power in words.
» Posted By Kevin Kim On 09/August/2020 @ 5:36 pm