And here we are–the first year of the rest of my life. For whatever reason (most likely going to bed so early) I woke up a few minutes before midnight. So, I got up and welcomed my birthday as it arrived. Hell, maybe I’ll get up to say goodbye tonight as well.

Anyway, I am now 65 years old. And if the American government is to be believed, that makes me officially elderly. Luckily, here in the Philippines, all the young women tell me that “age is just a number”. Still, 65 is a pretty damn big number! There’s really no getting around the fact that time is running out. If I were to make a bargain with the devil I’d ask for ten more good years (good meaning being able to do all the things I still enjoy doing). I actually checked this morning and saw that the life expectancy for an American white male is 78.6 years. But in the Philippines men only average 71 years before kicking the bucket. So, if I get my hoped for 75 I won’t have any complaints. Or so I say now anyway. I might feel different when the time comes.

I won’t deny having a case of the blues lately, but I think perhaps that’s natural when you are in a transitory state. But I’m keeping things in perspective. I recall that I had a big plan to kill myself for my 19th birthday. At least I plotted my demise for several weeks. Even secured the drugs I intended to ingest to send me on my way. Then when the big day finally arrived some friends up the road invited me over. We listened to music and played some cards and by the time the night was over I’d decided to give life another chance. Probably one of my better decisions. I really would have hated missing everything that’s led me to this moment in time.

“Age has no reality except in the physical world. The essence of a human being is resistant to the passage of time. Our inner lives are eternal, which is to say that our spirits remain as youthful and vigorous as when we were in full bloom. Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the alpha and omega. An end in itself.”
― Gabriel García Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

Speaking of love, I ain’t got any at the moment. And chances are I’m going to decide to keep it that way as I venture into my golden years. I went to a birthday party last night at Janey’s invitation and she totally ignored me. Hell, the only reason I went was to see her. And then this morning she sent me the following birthday greeting:

Wow it’s ur big day today. Happy birthday, wish u have a good health always, and find ur right women

Well, thanks for that. You really made my day. I wonder if “women” is a typo or a suggestion? Hmm.

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, “Is it good, friend?”
“It is bitter—bitter,” he answered;
“But I like it
“Because it is bitter,
“And because it is my heart.”
–Stephen Crane

Anyway, it is what it is. I’ll find my way. Maybe not to love but perhaps some peace of mind.

Absolutely no plans for the day other than I expect I’ll be spending it alone. I’ve kinda gotten used to that anyway. Maybe I’ll do a bar crawl and pay for the company of some desperate damsel. It suits my transactional nature after all. Probably not though. Not in the mood to pretend to enjoy that charades game. I’ll have plenty of cold beer to keep me company!

This is kind of a depressing post, isn’t it? But not to worry, I’m looking out my window right now at another beautiful day in paradise. I’ve been in much worse places, both inside and out of my troubled mind.

Happy birthday to me!

And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look
Behind from where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game