Mary professed to enjoy the pork chop supper I prepared for her yesterday, commenting on how tender they were. That’s the advantage of crockpot cooking, I explained. She’s a bizarre eater. She ate all of her pork chops first. Then the garlic bread toast. But rather than picking it up and biting it as almost everyone else in the world does, she cut it up and forked it into her mouth, bite by bite. Lastly, she spooned the vegetable medley onto her plate and so completed her meal.
Mary comes across as a bit of a foodie, remembering everything I’ve cooked for her and saying how much she enjoyed it. I guess the way to her heart is through her stomach! She also posts food pictures on her Facebook, and she admits she has gained a bit of weight because she likes eating so much. She told me before that her favorite snack food is a corn dog. So, I picked up a surprise gift for her this week at Royal:
There was no bedroom dessert this time, and I’ll confess to being a little disappointed. Mary wanted to go out drinking, so I got dressed, and we walked to the floating bar on Baloy Beach. She started out with a Coke but then decided to try my gin and soda combo. She liked it and says it is now her favorite alcoholic beverage. Damn, does that make me a groomer?
We sat and chatted, enjoying our time on the water while watching the sun go down.
I wasn’t feeling too good, my lungs were acting up again, so I decided it was best to go back on shore. I was planning to introduce Mary to the McCoy’s beach bar, but once I started walking on the beach, I thought sitting back down was a better option. Treasure Island Resort was beckoning, so we had a seat at the poolside bar. It turns out Mary has a classmate who works at the reception desk, so she went off for a chat. I decided to surprise Mary with a dessert treat:
We shared the banana split, and we had another gin and soda. It was still relatively early, but I wasn’t feeling it and thought I should spend some time at home with my nebulizer. So, we shared a trike back to the highway; I hopped out at the 7-Eleven, and Mary continued on to her home. Seeing how I was standing in front of Snackbar, I allowed myself a nightcap there before heading home where I belonged.
Still alive this morning, so I took that as a good sign. I made it through a flat 7K hike this morning and felt mostly okay. Mary wants to join me later this evening when she finishes an after-school event, so I suppose I’ll let her tag along for a bit on my bar crawl. Then we’ll see what happens next.
Oh, and commenter Kevin suggested that I go to the source (Filipinas) to determine if I’m truly perceived as a “player.” I posed that question to a woman I’ve known for a while without being romantically involved, and her response was a little surprising.
“You’re a flirt, John. You know that. So you are perceived to be flirting with a few girls. You’ve been in the Philippines for quite some time, yet you are still single despite being in a few relationships with local girls. Before I even got to know you, I heard the same stuff about you. We have a different culture. If, in your culture, being with another woman while dating or in a serious conversation with someone is okay, but we perceive it as guys treating us as an option, Playing multiple cards and seeing which card works. I guess Filipinas are vocal or more demonstrative of their feelings.”
Looks like I have my answer. And since I don’t want to be a disappointment, perhaps I should do what is expected of me and play the game. Apparently, I won’t have to do anything differently; I’ll just embrace the perception.
There you have it. Back tomorrow with more of this nonsense.
Woman speaks truth. You profess you want some kind of depth, but you also seem to want to keep options open, including the option of flirting. What serious woman is going to look at that and think, “That’s the man for me”? So—stay at the shallow end of the pool, flirt away, and avoid the drama that comes with commitment, or plunge into commitment, knowing that that means risk, vulnerability, the baring of your soul, and exclusive loyalty. The first option is easy; the second is downright scary, but the rewards of the second option can be great. I haven’t lived that second option, but I’ve seen it with all my happily married friends. The second option takes work, dedication, and sacrifice. If the effort isn’t worth the trouble, it’s best to stay in the shallows.
The other side of the issue, which the woman didn’t talk about, is all the factors you can’t control. As you implied in replying to a comment of mine, many women bring their own special kind of crazy to the mix, and none of that is your fault. But we come back to an issue I’ve harped on before: the less-crazy women are out there, but you’re not going to find them in your usual orbits. You’re going to have to move outside of your comfort zone—away from bars and SOB dances and all that superficial, artificial crap. If you want depth, you’re going to have to actively seek depth. Whatever flotsam comes floating sexily toward you won’t be the deep stuff. (Like Mary. She’s cute, and maybe she has wit, but in the end—and I can see this from way over in Korea—her wants aren’t aligned with yours. They can’t be. Which is why this isn’t going to end well.)
So stay in the shallows if that makes you happy. Who am I to judge that? But if you’re really looking for something deeper, you need to find a woman who has depth, is unselfish, and is just as committed to you as you are to her. Depth, unselfishness, and commitment are virtues that only manifest themselves over time, which is why deep relationships take patience and focus. Focus means no more lady drinks with the other girls, no more SOB dances, none of the normal hormonal nonsense.
My gut feeling is that the best relationships come when two people feel they have the same sense of mission in life: they’re partners in crime going from adventure to adventure, and they can’t imagine adventuring without their partner. Substitute the word “values” for “sense of mission” if you want. While I’m an introvert who’s in no hurry to be in a relationship (after my own troubled attempts at them), I do sometimes yearn to be with someone who, like me, enjoys long walks, good food, and travel to new destinations—someone who also likes reading, is cynical but retains a cautious optimism, and gravitates toward the simple things in life. I’m not saying I want a clone of me, but someone with a lot of overlapping values might be nice. Since I’m not making my own efforts in that direction, the above sermon is as much for me as it is for you.
In the end, you’re going to have to choose which life it is you want—shallow or deep. If you don’t, well, that non-choice is itself a choice, or rather, it’s life making the choice for you. And when you leave it up to life to decide your fate instead of exercising your own will, the end is rarely pleasant.
I did mean to say that the banana split looked pretty good, even if the saucing was a bit unorthodox (classic saucing here—strawberry sauce on strawberry ice cream, chocolate sauce on chocolate ice cream, and pineapple “sauce” on vanilla ice cream… but I did see, in searching through photos, that Americans have all sorts of crazy notions as to how to sauce their banana split, so whatever).
As usual, Kevin speak truth.
The feedback you got your Filipino lady friend is in line with what I thought the girls there think of you. You may think it is all in good fun, but they see someone who is a “butterfly” in the relationship game.
As Kevin said, your thoughts and actions are not in alignment. Either move your thoughts towards your actions or move your actions towards your thoughts.
Thanks, Brian. Yeah, I think I finally get it. Time to let go of the “love” fantasy once and for all.
Kev, I really appreciate the time and thought you put into this comment. And for what it is worth, I am finally ready to accept the realities you have articulated repeatedly. I have had mixed feelings for a while now–was I willing to let go of the life I have in pursuit of the love I’ve dreamed of? More and more, the answer has been not really. The shallow end of the pool is well-suited for an old fucker like me. I just don’t have the inclination to put forth the effort to build a meaningful relationship, assuming I ever found a worthy woman. Maybe it’s cowardice or a self-preservation instinct, but I am also unwilling to put my emotional well-being at risk by trusting my heart to another. I’ve had a lifetime of heartbreaks, and now that I am well into the end years, I just don’t have the time to recover from another fuck-up. I am just too damn tired to swim in the deep water.
And you know what? It feels wonderful to finally let go of the fantasy and embrace the reality that is my life. It may not be what I dreamed of, but damn, when I step back and look at what I do have, I can’t help but conclude that I am one lucky bastard. And it is going to get better now that I’ve embraced the common sense logic as expressed in your comment. The women folk think I’m a player anyway; it’s high time I get into the game and just have fun. Honestly, I’ve been fooling myself into believing I’m something that I’m not. No more pretending!
I’m an old man surrounded by hot young women who are happy to satisfy my needs. That’s all I truly want, even if I have to pay for it. There is freedom in letting go of the dream and embracing reality. Let it ring!
In this post, you seemed to be leaning in that direction already. I’m glad you’re at least being honest about your agenda.