I’m sure I’ve mentioned that fine line between helping someone in need and being scammed that exists here. It’s actually more than that–generosity is often seen as evidence that you are stupid and ripe to be taken advantage of. I’m learning these hard lessons as I go and I am getting somewhat better at saying “no” these days. When I get the pleas about not having rent money or no food for the kids instead of feeling sympathy I’m more likely to ask “and why is it my responsibility to take care of that?” It’s an ongoing process though and I guess it comes with the territory when you are perceived as being “rich”, which I guess comparatively speaking, I am. I just don’t want to be an example of a fool and his money soon being parted.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I derive satisfaction from engaging in charitable activities. In fact, I’ve made the connection that giving for me satisfies an aspect of my selfish nature. Helping someone out tends to alleviate some of the guilt that comes with living large amongst those who have so little. And as regular readers know, some of my giving has come with a transactional quid pro quo element–I do for you and you do for me. Lately though, I don’t find those arrangements quite so satisfying. Maybe that’s progress of a sort.
I guess what prompted these reflections are several recent entreaties that I dispense with some cash in the service of others’ needs. The most egregious came last night in the form of a message from Jhen. I was quite surprised to hear from her as this was the first time she had contacted me since last July. Back then she was starting her college course work remotely due to the pandemic and she needed a laptop. I told that story in a post here. To recap briefly, I needed a new computer anyway and told her I’d give her my old piece of shit. Well, acquiring my upgraded unit took longer than anticipated and Jhen was desperate because classes were starting. So, I bought her a new laptop ($400.00). When it was delivered I invited her over to pick it up and had planned a lunch and movie afternoon. When she arrived though she said she couldn’t stay. Just took the computer and left. Jhen did send a couple of messages telling me how much she loved the computer and thanking me. And that’s the last time I heard from her. Until last night:
Jhenny sent Yesterday at 5:29 PMIm not ok John…i hope you you understand me and not thingking that im taking advantage your kindness for so long not hearing from me…but i need to take my chance….and pls hear my story first
I got pregnant just the school started…unexpected cause never been pregnant for so long….i gave birth to premature son last sunday…so broke he’s 32weeks and currently incubator with oxygen….we got helps but its not enough because he needs 3 to 4weeks under observation….i need your help John…im sorry but i need to take any chances for my son’s life…..Im dying everyday knowing my son is fighting his life in the incubator…i got complete medical records…again im sorry John but i dont have a choice….
What to do, what to do? I don’t think she’s lying about the baby. Still, I shared her story with a mutual friend (also a Filipina). Her response was: “you do know she’s married, right?” Um, no. I didn’t know that. Jhen’s marital status never came up during all the previous flirtatious chats we had between us. I know this for a fact because this morning I went back and read them all starting one year ago and never once did she mention having a husband. And then I did the math–even if the baby was born prematurely last week she knew or should have known she was pregnant at the time she was beseeching me for a laptop. That really makes me feel like a sucker. So, as sorry as I feel for her situation and as much as I hope the baby recovers, it ain’t my responsibility to pay the hospital bills. Take it up with your hubby, Jhen.
As if to underscore how I must be perceived, this morning I got a message from Reyna, a girl I’ve chatted with briefly through a dating site, and she begged me for some financial support because her cousin died. Well, that’s an easy one for me. I have a pretty firm rule that I NEVER send cash to anyone I’ve not met in person. I just block them and go on with my life. No big loss there.
Well, on Friday I did give money ($60.00) to someone I don’t know. An acquaintance (Irene, the woman I buy my meat from) contacted me asking if I knew anyone looking for a maid. I didn’t but said I was still looking to hire a replacement masseuse. She advised that her friend didn’t have any massage training. Oh well. Irene then explained that her friend was desperate because she had no money to feed her kids. I told Irene that if she was vouching for the validity of her friend’s needs, I would make a one-time donation on her behalf. I guess she talked to her friend and then relayed the message that her friend was willing to come and service whatever needs I might have (hint hint) in lieu of a massage. Hold on to your seats, dear readers: I declined the offer. To begin, this woman is a complete stranger to me (Irene did share a picture of her though–she’s fairly attractive), and I’m just not into getting intimate with someone I don’t know. That’s why I like the massage route–it is a legitimate way to be physical and if the chemistry is right, you can go from there. The other problem I had was that the money was allegedly for the purpose of feeding her family. It didn’t feel right to me to expect or accept something physical in return for my charitable donation. I don’t know what the fuck has gotten into me! Is this leopard actually changing his spots?
Or maybe I’ve just learned Rule #1 left by Kevin Kim in the comments of the post linked above:
…remember Rule #1: don’t be a sucker when women come a-pleading. You won’t be making any real difference that way; you’re just a corpse being plucked at by crows. Making a difference should be about proceeding from a sense of self-worth, i.e., from a position of strength and dignity; it shouldn’t be about trying to find a sense of self-worth. You’re already worthy, good sir, so don’t turn your gestures of charity into a subtle form of begging.
Yeah, I’m getting there. Hopefully.
Traps avoided. Good man.
And now, I’m off for an afternoon walk down to Bundang—17.5K. Have a good rest-of-the-weekend!
Wow. I thoroughly enjoyed this. The growth,the struggle and the mental gymnastics as you come to terms with this is illuminating. This is a topic that I find fascinating so bear with me as I write a longer than usual response.
Tl;dr
She is not your friend and definitely not a potential love interest. Meeting her financial needs would hardly qualify as charity and more like a hit and run 🏃♂️
Excellent thoughts on charity and giving in general. I agree your sentiment: giving to those less fortunate may feel like some sort of absolution. Nobody wants to admit it but being relatively comfortable in a sea of poverty often feel like a sin. It’s the juxtaposition that brings it home. But we all know that you’d be on the poorer side if you lived in Monaco ; the other seaside town.
Point being, it is what it is. You did nothing wrong that you have to feel guilty for.
Worse of all., a person who only contacts you when they need money wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. In 7 months you would think that the subject of a pregnancy or a husband would have come up. I hope you weren’t hoping for a romantic liaison with her because that dream died when she took the laptop and split. The fact that you bought her a new laptop instead of bequathing her the old one as you’d intended marked you as soft in her mind.
Kev is right. You’re either a good man(which I believe you are) or you’re not. Maybe you are equating doing good deeds with donations. Giving people money is not necessarily kind. One cannot buy their way into being or remaining a good person.
Unfortunately it may be a bit too late for you. I’m an avid reader of your blog and I can count on 2 hands the number of times that an acquaintance of yours referred a stranger to you so that you could make a financial contribution for their latest problem. Other times you have a Filipina friend who jolts you awake by letting you know that this person has a husband and a family; and that your donation will not buy any affection or higher esteem. On the contrary; you may be marked as a target. That these financial requests don’t come often is a surprise.
You’re not the lender of last resort. You’re just on the list for people who ask and need money 💰
Perhaps you already know this : the filipinas who usually ask for help are not embarrassed or ashamed or attach as much emotional baggage as you would imagine they do when they have to ask for money. It’s just a simple request; you can say yes or no without considering the matter further. They certainly wouldn’t hold it against you if you routinely refused their requests. But you would certainly move down the list of people they turn to for financial assistance for their next problem.
Now; if you had a local girlfriend or wife you know none of this would happen. That woman would not dare even think to ask you. I’m sure your friends who are attached would attest to that.
Of course being attached has its own separate issues, but that should be a blog post for another day .
Thanks for the writing as usual.
If you’re ever in doubt,just read what you yourself have written in the past. There’s so many life lessons here. I know I have learnt a lot.
For what it’s worth, I think James’s intuitions are spot-on, a healthy fusion of logic and pragmatism. We, the commentariat, are your Greek chorus, John—warning you of approaching danger, mourning your hardships, and celebrating your victories.
Guys, you know your thoughtful comments, my Greek chorus, really mean a lot to me. Even if it is not apparent in my (mis)behavior, I do listen and take the advice to heart. Sometimes I’m just a slow learner!
James, you make some excellent points. I think you are spot-on about me being on “a list” of people to ask for money. I’ve had other requests I didn’t mention in this post from random people in my life, like this waitress at a place I dine at regularly. I think she got my number off the contact tracing sign-in book we used to have to complete. The first time several months ago I fell for her sad story, now I just ignore her. You are also probably right that they don’t take offense at a “no”, it’s just part of the game.
Jhen was not a potential love interest back when we were chatting. I found her interesting but not really my type. The movie I had wanted to share with her that day she picked up the laptop was Pay It Forward. That was my idea–I provide the tools, she does the work and finishes school, gets a good job, then SHE helps someone else break out of the poverty cycle. Well, she blew that opportunity by getting pregnant it seems.
I know Kevin has mentioned it before in his comments, but throwing money at people is at best a short-term solution. I’m looking for an opportunity to make a difference. What I’d really like to find is a worthy young person I could sponsor through school, including university, and actually change their life. I thought I had identified a prospect for this project, the 17-year-old daughter of a woman I know, but after my preliminary discussions, mama gave me the news–her daughter was pregnant. I occasionally see them all in the shantytown next door, apparently happy in the love of family. God bless them.
Some things can’t be fixed I suppose. Or maybe they ain’t as broke as I imagine. I’m getting better at choosing my interventions though.