Maybe so, but I’m a selfish bastard. And if I care, I sure as hell ain’t gonna share. Lately, I’m thinking that caring is a curse and that refusing to share my heart with another is the wisest course of action. Yeah, I’m riding that fence again. Stick around to the end of this post and I’ll try to provide some insights into my thinking.

But first, there’s yesterday’s Hash to catch up on. Most of the feedback was very positive–people actually did enjoy our trail. It had the right mix of ups and downs, some new terrain, and was about the right distance for most of the kennel. The only real complaint was that there was a couple of places where the trail markings were unclear. That’s part of the problem with marking the trail a day ahead of time; traffic, wind, and vandals can obliterate the powder. I’ll use more shredded paper next time.

Here are a few pictures from the trail:

Via Facebook memories, I was reminded that five years ago I was still hard at work in the service of my Uncle Sam.

I got a message this morning from Ron, the owner of Sit-n-Bull. He’s busy cleaning out the remaining stuff in the old restaurant location and he found a set of darts. Said they were mine for free if I wanted them. Well, I’ve been trying to get xxxx to play with me (shuddup, you know what I mean!) so I hoofed it on over.

Had a nice chat with Ron, then decided to get me some lunch while I was out. The new Sit-n-Bowl is only a couple of blocks away, so naturally, I returned Ron’s generosity by eating at his place. I had wanted to try his new “El Padre” beef burrito on Sunday but was informed that they were out of tortillas. When I walked in today my waitress asked if I still wanted an El Padre. Hell yes!

When I took a gander at Ron’s homemade bakery products, I was happy to see some fresh carrot cake in stock. How could I refuse?

The waitresses asked if I would buy them a slice of carrot cake to share and I of course agreed. Sharing is caring, after all.

I’m thinking about trying this recipe:

Alright, now a brief update on my relationship.

If you’ve been following along lately, I’m not happy about some Dick actively courting my girlfriend. Sunday evening I had invited xxxxx to dinner but she was “too busy” at work. When I got to her place a couple of hours later, she was busy having an Apple beer with Dick. She did at least give me a warm greeting, which was an improvement over previous visits when she was engaged in convo with Dick. After a while, Dick went next door to sing videoke with xxxxx’s mother. That may be cause for concern as well. Getting mom on his side would be a pretty big coup in this culture. While he was gone, xxxxx warmed up and we had a nice time together. Then Dick was back and so was xxxx’s cold shoulder. I was drunk and pissed, so I said goodnight and left.

Didn’t hear from her for most of the day, but we finally had a “talk” on messenger in the afternoon. I confronted her about how she made me feel when that Dick was around and she continued to say they were just “good friends”. I actually don’t have any reason to doubt that and from what I’ve seen I don’t think he’s her type at all. But my point was she doesn’t act like my girlfriend whenever he’s around. Her position is that he is a good customer, brings in a lot of his friends, and she sees no reason to antagonize him. I think that equates to putting his feelings ahead of mine and I don’t like it.

So, I’ve got some things to think through here. I’m not the jealous type, I mean, if she thinks she’d be happier with someone else, then by all means she should go for it. But I’m not willing to sit there and be subjected to watching this guy court the woman I think I love right in front of my face.

More and more I find myself asking if this relationship is really worth it. Looking back on those carefree days of emptiness and meaninglessness seems almost liberating somehow. No, I’m not giving up yet. But my tolerance level is close to being maxed out. I will definitely be spending less time at xxxx’s place of business. If she can’t free herself up to spend time with me more frequently, I guess I’ll have my answer.

It was weird this afternoon as I started work on this post. I try and do a search to make sure I haven’t used the same title before. And looking at some of the posts that search brought up was a little surprising. There was this post from August about my tentative early steps with Jessel that was eerily similar to some of my current emotions. Lots of differences too–xxxxx and I have traveled much further down the road. I was in love with my fantasy of Jessel, I’m currently dealing with the reality of who xxxx truly is. As Kevin Kim pointed out in a comment on an earlier post, trying to change someone into something you find more desirable is most often a fool’s quest. Learn to love them for what they are, not for what you want them to be. I get that.

And then I came across this post from over sixteen years ago. I don’t even recall what it was that triggered me, but it must have been related to the beginning of the end of my third marriage. Anyway, I had discovered Kevin’s blog by then, and he had written an Easter post that really resonated with me during that troubled time in my life. I quoted it extensively all those years ago and I deem it worthy to do so again here:

Since I and a few people I know are all going through a painful period, each of us for various reasons, I thought it might be good to write about “putting it down.”

In Zen Buddhism, the maxim is “don’t make anything.” Your mind is so often the source of your troubles. You choose to face the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune either negatively or positively. Often, at the beginning of a troublesome period in your life, it is difficult to realize how responsible you are for your own choices. It’s easier to shift blame to your surroundings. But ultimately, the healthiest route out of the forest of troubles is to start by looking in a mirror. Behold what’s actually there; don’t needlessly manufacture problems for yourself and others.

I’m not a scriptural literalist, so I don’t believe Jesus rose from the dead. But the story of the passion and resurrection nevertheless holds power for me, because it’s a story about a man who put everything down, including his own life, for the sake of love. How many of us can claim to be ready and willing to do something like that? Not many, I suspect.

Most of us, like little children, cling desperately to our cherished notions, preconceptions, and delusions, unwilling to countenance truth and change. We face the world with fear, and create clever rationales for our spiritual cowardice. In a crisis period, this instinct intensifies. The ego swells to enormous size– everything is about getting hurt, everything is about me, me, me. The world doesn’t understand my pain, and only I am in pain!

I’ve felt like that before. I’ve looked out at a street full of people and wondered why they didn’t see my agony, which was plain as day to me. The world kept right on turning, resisting my egocentric interpretation of it.

And there’s a lesson in that. Life is change, ceaseless change. All we have is this moment. If we try to keep the past with us, we merely create more suffering for ourselves. If we try to hold on to our anger, or our hurt, or whatever it is we’re feeling, we poison ourselves.

It’s better simply to put it all down.

People need time to do this. It can’t be done immediately. If, for example, you’ve just experienced a family tragedy, you can’t be expected to act like the Taoist writer Chuang-tzu, banging on pots and celebrating your wife’s death. No; most of us need time to mourn, grieve, recover. But after that period, we should be ready and willing to move on with our lives, to follow the constant flow of the river.

You can’t see the new life of Easter if you’re always looking backward. Easter points simultaneously to the present and to the future, to hope and happiness and fulfillment. Think positively. Embrace goodness where you find it. Actively seek the good, don’t wait passively for it.

Maybe I’m just a slow learner, but I’m doing better than I was all those years ago. And if the time indeed comes again to “put it down”, I think I’ll move on without too much difficulty. With time comes perspective. I can live a blessed life with or without love. I know that now.