Comments Posted By John McCrarey

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Take the fifth

Brian, I am constantly amazed at just what a small town this truly is. Another example from yesterday: I had a woman named Nicole come to the house to give me a massage (the second time I’ve used her). The first time was after she greeted me on the street. Turns out she “knew” me from seeing me sitting at the Mango’s beachside bar while she stood outside using the free wifi. Anyway, yesterday during the massage she told me that her friend Leila knows me. I didn’t recall any Leila and she said “you brought her home from the bar where she worked for a massage. Since I barfine so infrequently I vaguely recall the event (almost two years ago!) but not the woman. I jokingly said next time I’ll have you both give me a massage. Nicole readily agreed and even mentioned it again when she left–“next time I’ll bring Leila with me”. Hell, maybe that’s the kind of drama I need more of!

And yeah, catty high school girls is a very apt description of the mindset of many Filipinas. I don’t know why they enjoy tearing each other down that way. I’m really intending to stick to my guns and avoid getting sucked into another relationship disaster. Wish me luck!

» Posted By John McCrarey On 06/September/2020 @ 7:32 am

Wait a second!

Yeah, like I tell her she needs to figure out what is best for her. I guess in the last fight he said he was going to put the house in someone else’s name (a girlfriend of a friend or something). To Janey’s credit her attitude seems to be “fuck that, he don’t have a house”. I’m staying out of it of course.

» Posted By John McCrarey On 04/September/2020 @ 6:39 am

The moon just turned blue

Yep, the moon doesn’t hurt…

» Posted By John McCrarey On 04/September/2020 @ 6:54 am

Into each life some rain must fall! We have had a relatively mild wet season. Even the typhoons have missed us so far.

That is an uncanny resemblance to J.D. And thanks for sharing the review, it was good reading it again.

» Posted By John McCrarey On 03/September/2020 @ 8:14 am

Hot, High, and Wet

Brian, yeah I’ve walked past it several times now, usually from the other direction though. Something on Monday just made me pull the phone out for a photo though…

» Posted By John McCrarey On 03/September/2020 @ 8:17 am

Kev, a good Hare marks a trail even a virgin could follow. In fact, the virgins I was with Monday were ahead of me occasionally and did a good job reading the trail. You’d do fine I’m sure.

» Posted By John McCrarey On 02/September/2020 @ 7:46 am

Hey James, always appreciate your comments and feedback.

The Hash motto is “we are a drinking club with a running problem” if that helps with the definition. Started in the 1930s with British army guys in Malaysia. A Hash group is called a kennel. Our Subic kennel is an adult Hash–we don’t hold back with being rude and inappropriate in our rituals. There are family versions of the Hash too. When we visit the La Union Hash up north they ask us to not use some of our lewd names and songs in their circle.

People have to make up their own minds about what makes them happy. I don’t care if the past loves still want to Hash. I wouldn’t give it up for a woman! I do like the social aspects of Hashing. Honestly, when I’m not hanging with my walking groups I am usually drinking alone.

Barretto is a small town and people do seem to know your business (especially amongst the women with their bamboo network) but I’ve decided to live my life on my terms. I’m not sure what’s next but I’ll do my best to enjoy it.

Thanks again for reading!

» Posted By John McCrarey On 02/September/2020 @ 7:44 am

Keep the change

Yeah, I have to agree. What Kevin said might just be the best definition of true love that I’ve seen. It dives deeper into some points that Gibran made in his poem On Love:

But if in your heart you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

That’s been my failure–my unwillingness to go all-in again. And so I’m unworthy of the kind of love I imagine. I’m going to learn to be okay with that.

And no, no torture from your words of wisdom, Kevin. I know I took the “transactional” to the extreme but it helped me get down to the heart of the matter. And as you succinctly stated in your comment– if you are not willing to give all of yourself without question or guarantee, there is nothing deeper to be found than the hollow give and take relationship. Ha! It seems so obvious now, not sure why I resisted accepting that truth until being slapped upside the head with it.

And you had it right the first time, the euphemism is “pay for play”. On the forums devoted to whore mongering, participants abbreviate it as P4P.

Thanks again to all of y’all for keeping me straight and showing me the way.

» Posted By John McCrarey On 30/August/2020 @ 7:08 am

Healthy is as healthy does

Beats the alternative, that’s for sure!

» Posted By John McCrarey On 29/August/2020 @ 6:52 am

The circle game

Thanks, James. It is easy to forget sometimes that my mundane is at least in a pretty darn special place!

» Posted By John McCrarey On 28/August/2020 @ 4:32 pm

Hmm, but will they be quality years, Brian? My dad made it to 83 and he was a big drinker and smoker, so there’s hope!

» Posted By John McCrarey On 28/August/2020 @ 1:11 pm

sorry to be such a disappointment, Soju! But I like the way you think!

» Posted By John McCrarey On 28/August/2020 @ 12:02 pm

Thank you, Jerry and Frank…

» Posted By John McCrarey On 28/August/2020 @ 7:05 am

Thanks, Mark!

» Posted By John McCrarey On 27/August/2020 @ 5:09 pm

The correct answer is e. all of the above. But you knew that, didn’t you?

Thanks for joining me on the ride…

» Posted By John McCrarey On 27/August/2020 @ 4:24 pm

Blood on the trail…

Yep, Thursday. The wound is just a deep scratch…all scabbed up and almost good as new.

» Posted By John McCrarey On 26/August/2020 @ 7:34 am

Two heads are better than one

Yes, I’ve been stewing over the concept of transactional relationships ever since you mentioned it. I’ll have something to say about it soon.

Relationships in the Philippines, at least the ones with foreigners, are different than anything I’ve ever seen or previously experienced. What you perceive as cynical is pretty much just the on the ground reality here. And yes, the scams go hand in hand with that. To be fair, the foreign men use and abuse pretty much as much as the Filipinas do. The trick is to find the elusive good girl. Hmm, that does sound pretty cynical I suppose.

On the plus side, I was practically invisible to Korean women once I hit 60. But here in the PI “age is just a number” and the fishing pond is well-stocked with sexy young women looking for a guy just like me! Oops! I guess I just did that objectify thing too! Honestly though, I think it was just Pea the vlogger’s speaking style more than anything else. I won’t be surprised if she doesn’t come out with a video “Should I let my foreigner go out alone at night?”. It’s another topic but hoo boy, Filipinas take the jealousy thing to a whole other level. Once they think they’ve captured you they aren’t about to let you escape into another woman’s arms.

Lots to consider, but I’m also seriously looking at staying alone as a viable option.

» Posted By John McCrarey On 25/August/2020 @ 7:52 am

Right or wrong

As always, thanks for the insights, Kevin.

“maybe that’s just her knee-jerk reaction to hearing something she didn’t want to hear, and not having the time to process it. I think that, once she’s rational again, she’ll see the wisdom inherent in your stepping back”

Yeah, based on our conversation last night I think she’s getting there. I’m convinced she really does care about me and understands that this is what I need to do right now.

“She needs to face her beau, and she needs to be clear, in her own mind, about what she wants out of life and out of you.”

That was another positive sign last night, based on what she told me, she has started pushing back on him for some of the behaviors towards her she finds unacceptable. I’m encouraging her but staying as neutral as possible. I’m just glad to see her standing up for herself. He can either choose to love her in her strength or find some other woman to dominate.

“And by telling her that you don’t see yourself as “a second choice or a fallback option,” aren’t you telling her that, if she wants you, then you want to be the one and only man in her life? This all seems confusing and contradictory.”

Yes, it was definitely inartfully worded. Hopefully, I’ve clarified some in our follow on chats. What I was trying to get across is that I don’t want to be “oh well, at least I still have John” if things don’t work out with the BF. What I wanted to convey is that if and when she is free and assuming I’m also prepared to try a relationship, we can start again and see where it goes. No guarantees that it will work, there never are (especially given my history). I just don’t want to hear “I gave him up for you and now you aren’t happy?”. I don’t want her thinking “well, there’s always John” either.

“Why give her the “I don’t want to be second” speech if you yourself aren’t ready for any sort of commitment?”

Yeah, I see how that is confusing. I don’t think I really thought through the being second part as well as I should have, but I also didn’t really emphasize that point in our discussion. It’s not come up again since either. I did tell her that I needed to use this time to get myself ready for whatever the future might hold. I hope I was clear that I’m not wanting to do the “love” relationship thing right now with her or anyone else. I tried to put a positive spin on our using this time to decide what we truly need to live a happy life, whether that’s together or apart.

So, we are still talking and J. was feeling a lot better at bedtime than she was in the morning when we chatted. And honestly, we are still in the “getting to know you” phase as well. So I think this time can be put to good use and I’ll be prepared to accept whatever outcome the future may bring. I hope.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts. It does help!

» Posted By John McCrarey On 24/August/2020 @ 6:56 am

Closer to home

Well, things are not so technologically advanced in these parts. You actually still see flip-style phones around. Also, the poor folk wouldn’t be pleased if the government messages used up their precious “load” (most people have pay as you go data plans).

My Scottish friend Alistair was an English teacher in Korea. That cracked me up because I only understood about half of what he was saying most of the time.

Jerry, thanks! Glad you are hanging in there!

» Posted By John McCrarey On 23/August/2020 @ 6:20 am

Let it rain

Yeah, I’ve been lucky in that regard. So far at least. Some cuts and bruises from the falls I take on occasion but nothing serious. Yet

I never looked at Merry that way. Maybe it’s his daughter.

» Posted By John McCrarey On 22/August/2020 @ 7:40 am

What a fool believes (redux)

Hey, Brian! Yeah, I remember that! It’s always cool to meet a reader. Those were some good times at Dolce back in the day. Miss that life!

Yeah, the old double standards. I guess I justified it because J. has a boyfriend and she explicitly acknowledged my right to continue seeing others. Still, I should have been true to my feelings towards her. And frankly, the way I reacted when I saw J. jogging in my neighborhood and my ex was in the house told me that I knew I was in the wrong. Changes are definitely in order, we’ll see where I go from here.

» Posted By John McCrarey On 21/August/2020 @ 8:17 am

Kev, yes I want to get Karma on my side for a change! I didn’t sleep so well last night which gave me the opportunity to think back over my life. Turns out, I’ve always been something of a sleazebag. It will be challenging to change my spots at this stage. I can change my behavior and approach towards women I think by looking for that “divine spark” you mention and treating them accordingly. I’m still working through this whole “transactional” relationship issue in my head. We’ll see what I come up with. I appreciate your input and support!

» Posted By John McCrarey On 21/August/2020 @ 8:11 am

Anchors aweigh

Well, the downside is that it’s a bit of a drive out there. On the other hand, there are other areas yet to explore. Including trails through monkey-infested jungles and one leading to a waterfall. So yeah, we’ll be back eventually.

» Posted By John McCrarey On 20/August/2020 @ 3:52 pm

Can a brain become obese?

Kev, yeah the Hash combines two of my favorite activities–hiking and drinking! Seriously though, it does add a social aspect to my normally solitary walking adventures. There are places I’ve seen that I would not have had the balls to explore alone.

Brian, generally speaking, rainy season is the July-October time frame. This year has been comparatively dry so far, but I’m not complaining. September is when typhoons typically blow through and that’s when it can get pretty intense.

» Posted By John McCrarey On 19/August/2020 @ 7:27 am

Live and learn

Wow. I learned long ago that feedback is always a gift. And the blunt honesty of these comments is really something special. I sincerely do appreciate that y’all cared enough to share how you really feel. Thank you!

Lots of things to consider. I’m not sure I necessarily agree with all the assessments and viewpoints, but I really need to step back and think about them. I’m definitely struck by the divergence between my self-image and how others see me, at least based on what I’ve shared here on the blog.

Again, please know that your point of view is something I’m going to seriously evaluate in ways that might prove to be behavior and/or life-altering. That’s a big deal and I’m going to make the most of the gift you’ve provided through your feedback.

More to come.

» Posted By John McCrarey On 18/August/2020 @ 9:20 pm

As always, thanks for the feedback guys.

I’ll concede that most of my troubles with women, now and in the past, are of my own making. I’m not sure I’m all that depraved, at least when compared to a lot of the people I see around here, but everything is relative I suppose.

I guess it really comes down to being honest with myself about what it is that I really want. I do fantasize about having a substantive relationship with someone, but then I remember that the reality of doing so opens you up to the potential of getting your heart broken. I’ll cop to being cowardly in that regard. So, if nothing else perhaps I’m gaining some self-awareness through these escapades.

And yes, this is definitely a small town. Filipinas are notorious for their “coconut network”. The ex did tell me that she had heard from one of the female Hashers that she saw me and J walking together before. No question you can’t get away with anything in these parts.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen next. I’d prefer to avoid the drama and causing someone to be hurt. That means changing some behaviors. More and more, just being a single guy seems like the best solution for me.

» Posted By John McCrarey On 18/August/2020 @ 7:33 am

Lockdown smackdown

Alright, guys. I guess I had that cumming.

What I actually did was relent and let my ex come to the house to visit my helper and the dogs. Lucky has especially been missing her.

I expected her to sleep in the guest room. But she had other ideas. And then my lust got the better of me.

And no, I’m not getting back together with her. I just allowed the past to potentially mess up the future. That was the big fuck up.

» Posted By John McCrarey On 17/August/2020 @ 7:40 am

Walkaholic

No real explanation, just flailing about trying to create the appearance of action. Never have I seen such a bunch of incompetents in charge–and I worked for Uncle Sam for 35 years.

All I can figure is someone high up is getting a kickback on the sales of face shields. Nothing else makes sense.

» Posted By John McCrarey On 16/August/2020 @ 7:14 am

Because I’m easy

Thanks, Vaster. Sometimes a hammer upside the head is just the right tool! I’m not quite that cynical yet, but I do agree that “love” is defined a little differently here for most women. That’s why the young gals are attracted to older fucks. It’s not so much about you but more about what you can do for them. I think they are sincere about it though. You take care of them they will truly love you.

» Posted By John McCrarey On 15/August/2020 @ 8:11 am

Love is a rose

Thanks for your support, guys. How often do you get to witness a train wreck in progress? I’ll post an update later today.

» Posted By John McCrarey On 14/August/2020 @ 6:41 am