There are certainly pluses to small-town living. There is a comfort level with being part of a community, being recognized and welcomed by name when you are out and about. The downside that goes with that familiarity is that everyone knows your business, or at least they think they do. And then there are the rotten few who spread lies and rumors intended to disparage you and undermine the perception of your character. That impact is exacerbated in a place where talk is cheap, and people tend to believe whatever they hear. Or so it would appear.
I’m far from a saint, but I’m not ashamed of who I am and what I do. I don’t like to talk or appear to be bragging about some of my charity projects, but I’m proud to be making at least some difference in the lives I’m able to touch. But for whatever reason, doing good deeds doesn’t seem to be of interest to the folks who engage in malicious gossip. Go figure.
I guess what generated this rant was learning that these unfounded stories have had negative impacts on how I’m perceived and the way I’m treated by some people. I chatted with Lydell on Messenger for the first time in several days this morning. She told me she had given me the cold shoulder because someone had told her I had a girlfriend. I told her that someone had lied to her. The fact that she chose to believe that lie rather than ask me about it is probably a clear indication that our “relationship” was doomed to failure before it ever really began.
My friend “Judy” treated me to lunch yesterday. It was her way of saying thanks upon receiving her first payday from a job she got because I purchased the required laptop for her. Over the course of our conversation, the topic of Lydell came up (she wanted to know what happened), and then Judy told me that when we first met, she had been warned that I had “girlfriends” in every bar in town. She admitted that put her off the idea of dating me.
I guess truth and innocence don’t come into play when it ruins a good story. It seems shameful that people accept the lies without even making a cursory attempt to ascertain the truth. Again, I don’t claim to be an angel, but I don’t cheat, and I don’t lie. I hang out in bars, and I buy some lady drinks. Maybe I engage in some “flirty” chitchat, but I’m not grabbing ass or paying to fuck a bargirl. Back when I last had a girlfriend, I ended my “friends with benefits” project and didn’t even accept massages from the mountain friend I support. It just sucks to have potential relationships destroyed based on lies and rumors, but that’s the way things seem to go in my little town.
In other news, I got fired from Xoom, a money transfer service I regularly use. It started when a $500. transfer intended to fund a charity project for a native Aeta village in Olongapo was rejected. The rejection notice asked me to provide additional information regarding the recipient and the purpose of the transaction. I provided the requested information, assuming the problem would be resolved. Okay, I get it. Maintaining security and avoiding fraudulent transfers is a legitimate concern. I was astounded when I received this email:
Based on a thorough review of your transactions and/or your recipient’s transactions, we have decided to close your Xoom account.
No warning. No appeal. Just canceled. It’s a shame, too, because I used Xoom regularly to pay my helper and for sending money to other individuals “experiencing emergencies.” It just seems extreme to eliminate my account in response to my inquiry. Well, I guess they can do what they want, but damn.
It’s Friday, and that means another SOB experience is on tap, this time at Voodoo Lounge.
Max is looking for a niche, or void to be filled, in the Barretto market. There are no discos or dance clubs here presently, so this is a test run to see if he can generate any interest. Discos are not my thing, and as an old fucker, I’m not the target audience anyway. But I’m going to check it out as a show of support. It will be interesting to see if some of the locals want to hang out amongst the foreigners. Good luck to Max! He’s put a lot of hard work into pulling this together, and as he says, it will be, if nothing else, educational.
And that’s the news from here today.
I get that you don’t have any girlfriends floating around somewhere, but if I recall correctly, you’re getting gratifying happy-ending massages from people like tooth-flashing Joy and your mountain mama. Surely, you can see that that might make a prospective girlfriend unhappy. I agree that you don’t actively lie to women, but you also conveniently gloss over the fact that you’re still technically married. If that were to come up in conversation with a potential girlfriend, she’d likely be gone lickety-split, given the jealous nature of the Pinays (and any rational women, really). These inconvenient facts don’t add up to a pretty picture, and you end up looking as if you’re trying to have it both ways.
I need to be clear about this, though: I personally don’t judge you for how you live your life. If I’m to be honest, there are aspects of your life, laid out on your blog, that I find unsavory, and in your place I’d do things radically differently, but even with as much as I know from the information you give us readers on the blog, I’m also aware that I still don’t know the whole story. And even if I did, I know you’re a “grown-ass man,” as they say these days, and you can live your life however you damn well please. This is why you never hear me come to your blog’s doorstep and say stupid shit like, “You’re violating the laws of God.” Honestly, I couldn’t care less what you do.
I do care, though, to the extent that these lies are stressing you out, but part of the solution may be to see the situation as others see it. The rumor that you “have a girlfriend” may have started precisely because these small-town people know you have a thing for happy-ending massages. So, in their minds, “massages” have become “girlfriend” because the locals are aware, on some level, that something naughty may be going on. I don’t know; this is just a theory. At the very least, I’m pretty sure Lydell wouldn’t be happy to find out you’ve been, say, getting fulfillment from another source.
None of this matters to me, as I’ve said, but it’s going to matter to people who might want a certain level of intimacy with you. You might say that the massages aren’t intimate at all; it’s purely a biological activity and a business transaction to boot. Okay. But again, that’s not how a prospective girlfriend is going to see it, especially if she’s thirty years younger and still clinging to the fading remains of a girlish naiveté.
A stupid sci-fi novel I read, years ago, was Children of the Jedi by Barbra Hambly. Awful book, but it had one really good line, a warrior’s creed: “Be what you wish to seem.” Wanna seem to be a hero? Then be a hero. This is a good standard for moral conduct because it’s not about God or commandments or judgy people with puckered assholes: it’s about you holding yourself up to your own standards of good and bad, right and wrong.
(Trivia: years later, I realized that my high school’s Latin motto, esse non videri, was saying the same thing: Being, not seeming. This is what integrity is about: your outside and inside match.)
So to make the noble self-image match the reality, you may have to stop with the massages, or at least with the happy endings. That may be difficult for a man so committed to sexual gratification (heh), but if you are to be what you wish to seem, this may be your only path.
Apologies if this comment is offensive, but in my defense, I calls ’em like I sees ’em. In the end, I hope you lead a drama-free life.
PS: sometimes, though, rumors start for no good reason at all. In the 1990s, when I was young and maybe a bit handsome, I worked at my first language institute in Seoul. There was also a Korean lady who taught Japanese there, and she and I would talk on occasion. This little bit of contact somehow led to the rumor that she and I were sleeping together. I laughed loudly and long when the rumor finally circled around to me. I was a stud and didn’t even know it!
Thanks for the feedback, Kevin. It’s always a gift and appreciated. Let me just clarify a couple of points.
I no longer have any physical contact with Joy. My mountain mama friend is a widowed mother and someone I provide weekly financial support with no strings attached. Occasionally (like once a month), she asks to give me a massage to make some extra money, and when I agree, it usually ends happily. But, back when I had a girlfriend earlier this year, I no longer permitted massages because that kind of physical contact crosses the line when you are in a relationship.
Yes, I’m still legally married. I have been physically and emotionally separated from Jee Yeun for six years now. Jee Yeun asked for the divorce, so she should initiate it. I can’t be bothered with it from here, and there are some tax benefits from having a wife. If I ever met someone I wanted to marry (my future ex-wife), I would file for the divorce back in the USA. Divorce is not legally available in the Philippines, and many of the single mothers I encounter still technically have a husband on paper (I’m not sure about Lydell’s status in that regard). Regardless, I doubt that a woman living in Korea I haven’t seen for years would make even the most sensitive Filipina jealous.
I did learn the source of one of the rumors about me having a girlfriend. When I was at that grand reopening at McCoy’s, a mutual acquaintance of mine and Lydell saw me there with those girls that my friend Ron invited without my knowledge. So, a woman I’d “known” for a couple of hours and that I didn’t particularly like (I didn’t take her home with me even though she wanted to go) suddenly became a “girlfriend.” Sometimes you just can’t win.
After reading your post, I was going to reply, and then saw that my reply would have just echoed what Kevin wrote, and he writes a lot better than I can. LOL
So, I second this thoughts, but that will not stop me from adding a few of my own.
Let’s say the shoe was on the other foot, and you knew/liked a young lady who, over X amount of time, you saw/heard/witnessed that she would take different guys home and do whatever happens behind closed doors. Would your opinion of her change? I am not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but I do realize that there is a societal double standard. A guy who gets it on with many woman is a stud. “Atta boy! Go for it!!” A girl who does the same thing is slut. “She’s cheap! Easy! Definitely not girlfriend material.” :shrugs shoulders
I have lived and worked in many Asian countries (though not the Philippines) and in pretty much every one, unless they are looking for a fuck buddy or getting paid for sex, ladies don’t want to get involved with a married man. The fact that you tell them that she is from Korea and you haven’t had contact in years probably doesn’t mean much to them. The word “married” is what stands out. In addition, I think a lot of the women you meet are somewhat jaded, based on where they work and the clientele they meet. They hear a stories and promises from the foreigners they meet. A lot of those stories and promises turn out to be bullshit, so should not be a big surprise that they will turn to another source for information or confirmation.
When a foreigner starts paying attention to a poor, possibly naive (or jaded, it doesn’t matter), relatively uneducated bar hostess from a third world country, their mind moves to getting out of the bar/marriage/living in Western country/cranking out mixed race babies, etc. That is one area where I think they actually do have a long term vision. If they realize that a relationship will not ultimately lead to that, then they will cut their losses and move on. If they don’t see the possibility of a future with you leading to marriage, etc., then for them, it is a waste of time and they are not getting any younger. In their eyes, I think they will look at any potential baggage you are bringing into the room. And yeah, that marriage bag is a big one. Again, with the shoe on the other foot, Are you okay getting together with a married but separated woman?
I realize that I am generalizing somewhat, but there are some nuggets of truth there.
To repeat what Kevin said – make the self image of how you want to be seen be the reality
Not gonna pile on to all this.
You know the truth about yourself.
but you can’t just straight up admit that all those potential girlfriends are right.
otherwise you’d be no different from any alcoholic womanizing whore mongering bloated dotard using your inborn luck and wealth to take advantage of the impoverished ladies in a third world shithole.
We can’t think of this situation in that way, otherwise you’d spend your days depressed.
unlike the others, I think that you should embrace and even flaunt this behavior. People will criticize you anyway
Thanks for the comment, Brian. I appreciate your insights.
I’ll cop to a degree of hypocrisy in my attitudes. If I fell for the standard bargirl type, I’d give her an allowance equal to her bar salary and ask her to quit. Seeing a guy get touchy-feely with “my” girl wouldn’t fly with me. So, there’s the double standard of which you speak.
I think your characterization of the typical bargirl has elements of truth, with the caveat that not all the girls are looking for the same thing. In my experience, the biggest attraction a lot of them see in the “rich” foreigner is his ability to support her and her family and basic financial security. Yes, some dream of marriage, a visa, and life in another country, but that’s not usually the biggest motivator. You may recall my last girlfriend broke up with me because I could not fulfill her dream of having a baby.
I think the fact that I’m technically still married is overrated. To begin, it is not something I randomly announce upon first meeting someone. If the relationship progressed to the stage of living together in couplehood, I’d definitely be honest about my status. But again, going back to the USA and getting a no-fault divorce would be very easy to accomplish, should I deem it necessary.
As to your question, would I be okay with a married but separated woman? Probably yes. And there are quite a few women in that category since divorce is not legal in the Philippines. My issue would be that adultery is also illegal here. The authorities don’t pursue adulterers but will act on the complaint of a disgruntled spouse. I’ve heard of foreigners being scammed by the husband of a girlfriend–pay me, or I will go to the barangay. So, I’d want to be sure the husband was completely out of the picture.
I don’t have any issues with being seen for what I am, but I’m still not accepting that I am what people see.
Welcome back to the comments, James. It’s been a while, and I’ve missed your rather unique insights.
In my defense, I will just say that my behavior when I’m in a relationship is different than how I act when I am single. Having said that, I’ve never considered myself a “whore monger.” In fact, I honestly can’t remember the last time I paid a bar fine. Fucking strangers just isn’t that appealing to me. That’s why I thought my “friends with benefits” program would work, but even then, I don’t like the concept of paying a woman to fuck me. In the case of the mountain mama, she begs me to let her give me a massage, and saying no just seems cruel somehow. She certainly is good at showing her appreciation; I’ll grant her that.
Anyway, I think I do more good than harm here. And perhaps you are right, people are going to believe about me what they choose, so I may as well just accept that and continue being the me that I know I am. Maybe that means I’ll be alone in life, and if that’s the case, so be it.
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Intriguing that in your post you make an appeal for readership understanding of the gossipy nightmare of living in a one horse peasant town amidst a shitstorm of unwarranted criticism. And what do you get in response? A shitstorm of criticism.
I’m guessing most readers follow your blog because they like you, they get something vicarious from your coal face fleshpot reportage that they don’t want to admit to, and -as men- they have half a weary eye on what the fuck they are going to do after 65. Least I do. But one other thing that fascinates me is I can’t quite work out whether your seeming naivety is knowing. These ageing seat occupiers don’t even know where the next slice of pizza is coming from. But OF COURSE they would spread shit like a kid given free reign over the peanut butter at the slightest sense that it would further their advancement or stymie someone else’s. You think they sit around praising the relative virtues of the white retirees? Pics alone present the tapestry of a backwater shark tank! Just watch out regarding the extent to which you might get ripped off. And always have a bag packed.
“And always have a bag packed.”
Dan, that’s why I would never consider buying a house here–want to be able to walk (or run) away if things go totally south.
It occurs to me that I may, in fact, be naive regarding my lack of understanding of the people around me and perhaps even a degree of denial about who and what I am. In these circumstances, I’m striving to achieve a state of not caring. It is what it is; take it or leave it.
Anyway, the rant that generated all this feedback was just about my surprise that people perceived me in a way I don’t see myself. Perhaps they are right, and I am wrong. Either way, this is the best life I have, and I’m going to keep on living it, come what may.
Thanks for your support, I do appreciate it.