It was a hell of a week.

Lots of work stuff that keeps my life more intense than I like.  But it’s what I signed up for, so why complain?  Much.

Woke up Saturday morning to a coughing fit.  Hocked up all kinds of juicy junk from deep in my innards.  Not a pretty sight.

Later that morning Eun Oke packed up her stuff and left me. Again.  To her credit, she sent me a message suggesting a “break up date”. Well, that was a first. Which at my age I don’t get the opportunity to say very often. Eun Oke decided to end the relationship for reasons I think are legitimate. So no hard feelings on my part. And then she suggested we have a last fling to memorialize the event. Obviously I had nothing better to do. And it was a nice way to finish what had been for the most part a good experience. I’ll miss her.

For those who are curious, her reasoning is that our future plans are incompatible (i.e. me retiring and leaving Korea) and we are both too selfish to compromise.  True.  She also mentioned the age difference (I’m 18 years her senior).  She told me “it’s fine now, but when I’m 52 you’ll be 70!”.  And yes, I’m definitely way to selfish to die early to preclude that event.

Anyway, it’s fine and I’m fine.  I had intentionally held myself back as a matter of self-preservation.  And the sad fact is I am not sure I’ll ever be able to go “all in” in a relationship again.  I think Eun Oke sensed that which I’m sure was a contributing factor in her decision to flee now.  I think it was the right call.  We’ve agreed to remain friends and I’m happy about that.

So far in 2016 I’ve had two women profess their love for me and I have no reason to question the sincerity of those professions.  Still, I have become bitter and cynical to the point that I just don’t really believe in love anymore.  And that’s really a big deal, tantamount to losing my religion.

This week Facebook provided a sad reminder of why the “I love you” words leave me cold.  They have a feature called “Your memories on Facebook” that pops up in your newsfeed on a daily basis.  I can’t seem to stop myself from taking that journey to the past. And that’s where I encountered this nugget from three years ago:

Thank you so much to my lovely husband! He take care of me so good and feed me good…he help me a lot! Even one my arms pain a lot but he make me pain less and inside my heart is full of love and feel warm..I am so lucky and happy woman because of John McCrarey! My life is much better because of you! Thank you and I love you so much!

Things change, obviously.  I’ve moved on pretty much but I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. Part of my problem is I have no understanding as to what the fuck happened.  How do you go from the sentiment expressed above to “I don’t have happy life with you” in less than two years?  I believed in Jee Yeun and never imagined she would abandon the life we made together.  And I know now that if her love wasn’t real and lasting, no love truly can be.

It’s all just words.