Hearing those words yesterday didn’t leave me feelin’ groovy, but sometimes a babbling idiot needs a hard slap to the face. Swan reminded me in no uncertain terms yesterday that my feelings for her far exceed where her heart currently lies. The truth hurts sometimes, but I fully understand. I knew from the beginning that where she is starting from, still grieving the loss of the love of her life, would likely preclude her from jumping into a love relationship with me. Selfish bastard that I am, I let my feelings for her blind me to her pain and need to proceed slowly. I need to do better, and I will.
Speaking of getting blown away, Tropical Storm Dodong continues to rage across the PI, bringing high winds and heavy rain.
The SOB was canceled last night because of the weather, so my plans for an evening with Swan were another storm casualty. I was sitting alone at the Outback pool bar nursing some beers and wondering what to do next when Swan messaged me, saying she wanted to see me and talk. Thirty minutes later, she was sitting beside me, offering reassurance that she cared for me but asking for time to get to a place where she is comfortable starting over again. I told her that she was worth waiting for and that when she was ready, I’ll be here. She responded that we just needed to go slow, and I agreed to go forward at whatever speed her comfort level allowed. Of course, I’m already so far ahead of her that going slow means a retreat, but I’ll do my best to hold my feelings in check until she is ready, willing, and able to receive them.
It what may be a positive sign, Swan asked the bartender to take the first-ever photo of us together. She shared it with me on the condition that I promise not to post it, and I’m a man of my word. We said goodnight, Swan went home, and I hit the bars, feeling somewhat less blue.
Queen Victoria (one beer, one lady drink), Sloppy Joe’s (one beer), Wet Spot (one beer), and Green Room (three beers, four lady drinks–one each for four gals). Then I grabbed some pecan pie at Sit-n-Bull and caught a trike for home.
Rain and wind continued through the night and morning, but I caught a break in the storm long enough to walk Buddy (Lucky didn’t want to go).
Swan messaged me that my morning coffee was ready, so I grabbed my umbrella and some freshly baked banana walnut muffins and headed to her/our/my place.
The work on the house seems to be progressing on schedule, and I’m looking forward to calling it home come October. I came home back to my current residence and saw I had some storm damage out back:
I decided to forego my solo Saturday walk in deference to the wet and windy weather. I’m sure I will find the courage to defy Mother Nature once beer o’clock rolls around.
In the “it’s the thought that counts” category, my school teacher friend in Olongapo sent a photo of a recognition certificate I’ll be receiving:
It occurred to me recently that this version of me is probably the best I’ve ever been. Take that as you will, but despite being a slow learner, I’ve grown from the lessons of past mistakes. If and when I ever find a woman to love me, she’s going to be one lucky bitch!
And if in the end Swan takes a dive, then I’ll just continue to do what I do and make the best of whatever time I have left. That’s about as groovy as it gets.
I’m glad that Swan is training you in what a real relationship is like. It’s not a headlong plunge into sex and superficiality where everything happens at breakneck speed. And as you’re aware, she’s dealing with internal issues as well. She may be feeling a certain level of guilt after having been so loving and loyal to her previous guy. Is she betraying his memory by being with you, or would her guy have wanted to see her happy? That’s not for you to say to her, but it’s for her to figure out. As you like to say, just enjoy the moment as it comes. Things will happen of themselves. Sometimes, the best way to reach a certain goal is not to strive for it.
As usual, Kevin is spot on. You do seem to go from 0 – 60 in a relationship in the blink of an eye. Look at it as more of a marathon than a sprint.
Brian, yep, I’m putting on the brakes to avoid breaking. We’ll see what happens next. This has definitely been a different experience for me.
Kev, I agree. And I do think there is a conflict between whatever it is she is feeling towards me and her sense of loyalty to her recently departed love. I was only acquainted with him, but my sense is he would be happy she found someone who wants to be her partner in life. Of course, only she can decide how she feels.
I think what triggered me to go all in so fast was the fact that I’ve never met anyone quite like Swan. She ticks all those boxes you and others have said I should be looking for–older, wiser, educated, non-bargirl, generous, loving, and caring. Yeah, when I describe her like that it begs the question–why would a woman like that be interested in a man like me?
No other option but to let her decide what her future will be and whether there will be a place for me in that life.
“it begs the question–why would a woman like that be interested in a man like me?”
At the risk of sounding like a cynical dick, I’ll gently state the obvious: she gets to remain in the home, and continue the standard of living, to which she has grown accustomed.
Hopefully there’s much more than that, but it kinda behooves you to keep your eyes wide open and perhaps guard your testicles as you charge into a new thicket d’amour, especially after emerging from previous feminine briar patches with painful bruises and scratches.
Of course you fully realize all this at some level, so don’t let your navigation be overly influenced by beer confidence, needy emotion, or ambitions of the little head.
All that being said, cheers and smooth sailing!
Thanks, Drain. What can I say except, “But this time, it’s different!” Anyway, I’ll keep my eyes wide open and trust my instincts. Ha! Maybe those two things are mutually exclusive. Anyone, all evidence thus far (even before I started courting her, she refused tips when making a meat delivery) says she is not all about the money. I guess we are going to find out. Stay tuned.