And so it is just about time for the maiden voyage to life in my new digs on Bryce Street. The movers will be here at 0900 tomorrow, and it shouldn’t take long to load up my meager possessions and carry me to whatever the future will bring.
The consensus of the commenters on this post is that disaster awaits me. I was impressed with the insights my readers offered and quite touched by their concern. Welp, there is no turning back now, and I’m going into this with eyes wide open. If it works out for me, great. If not, well, I’ve been there before, and I’ll find my way back to wherever it is I belong.
Swan has promised me that things will be different for us once I move in. So, in that sense, my time has come. In my heart, I believe that Swan is a good woman without bad intent. She may not share in all my interests and activities, but I think we’ll find things we enjoy doing together (like travel), and I’ll convert some of my bar time to home-together time. I trust we’ll both make compromises and that we will be comfortable together. We’ll both maintain our share of “me time” as well, and I’m good with that. Again, I respect the views expressed by those with contrary opinions and recognize that I could be completely wrong in what I believe to be true, but there is only one way to find out. We will know one way or the other soon enough.
Swan told me in a message this morning, “I love you.” Prompted by something a commenter suggested, I asked her what it is she loves about me. She responded that I respect her, that I’ve been patient with her, and she loves everything about me. Hmm, it’s hard to argue with that!
Last night, I treated myself to dinner at John’s Place.
After dinner, I planned to use more of my voucher at Whiskey Girl. On the way, I ran into Troy, and he told me Jim was drinking alone at It Doesn’t Matter, so I decided to join him for a beer. We had a couple, and then Jim accompanied me to WG. Whiskey Girl has a “buy one, get one” happy hour, so I didn’t get to use my coupon much. Gary, another hiking buddy was there, and between him and Jim buying drinks, I didn’t have any more room. I did, however, keep the thirst of Jenn and Kim satiated with lady drinks.
There’s yet another new bar that just opened in Barretto, and since it is next door to Whiskey Girl, we decided to check it out.
We finished our night on the town at Queen Victoria. I rather enjoyed my next to last night of “freedom,” or whatever it is I’ll call this chapter of my life that is now drawing to a close.
Ready for some memes?
Anyway, that’s where things stand with me as of now. I’ll be doing the SOB later today at The Green Room.
And now for my last shower and shave on Shenandoah Bend.
And all I can do is keep on telling you I want you I need you But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you Now don't be sad 'Cause two out of three ain't bad Now don't be sad 'Cause two out of three ain't bad
I’m not one of the commenters who necessarily thinks you’re headed toward doom. Swan seems to be an improvement over the type of woman you normally go for. Her lack of communication about the important things is problematic, but it’s also not atypical for Asian people to be silent about the things that matter. That said, other commenters have brought up some interesting possibilities about how Swan might be using you as the guy who pays the rent on her property and also pays her as an employee (how is that supposed to work, again?).
I think I’m in tune with the other commenters who see this as an “if-then” type of situation. If you say you’re committed, then it follows you shouldn’t be acting uncommitted by continuing to visit bars, photograph and feed the ladies, attend and judge SOB dance contests, etc. These things are not “innocent,” and they’re not “meaningless.” If you didn’t claim to be committed, I wouldn’t care one bit about how you spend your time, but over and over, you’ve expressed some level of devotion to Swan, and you still can’t seem to bring yourself to realize what a devoted man supposedly worthy of someone’s affection must do to truly be worthy of that affection.
It could be that the other commenters are right, and this might all end in disaster. I’m more hopeful mainly because, despite Swan’s red flags, they’re not the same as the red flags for all the other girls you’ve been with. So Swan could be your escape from samsara, or she could represent a totally new kind of soul-hurt. I think I asked you this once before, but I don’t remember the answer: if things don’t work out with Swan, will you kick her out? Retaining an ex as a housekeeper/helper could be awkward. (Of course, retaining a significant other could also be awkward.)
Good luck with your move. It was good to see Buddy on guard duty.
re: writing your story
I’ve occasionally thought your samsaric life could make for a good tragicomedy. Maybe as a play.
Kev, there is no question that Swan has qualities unlike those I’ve experienced with other gals I’ve met here. And no, she is not perfect, but of course, neither am I. It will be interesting to see what happens when we start spending more time in close proximity. Whatever the outcome, I don’t subscribe to the belief that I’m being used for free rent and salary. The money I provide Swan is not intended as a salary; it is just an allowance so she has funds to pay her personal expenses without constantly asking me for help. I choose to believe I’m the white knight sent to rescue her after the tragic loss of her love. God does have a sense of humor, right?
I reject the premise that visiting bars or judging a dance competition is indicative of a lack of commitment. I’m not doing anything in the bars I wouldn’t do if Swan were there beside me. Moreover, from the beginning, I told Swan about my bargirl “friends” and that I occasionally buy lady drinks for them. I brought her with me to an SOB so she could see for herself that it was a legitimate event. I expect I’ll be spending less time in bars because Swan provides a better option, but I have zero remorse or shame about visiting my favorites in the bars occasionally.
Here’s the deal with me in that regard. I was talking to my waitress the other night, and she told me her salary per night was 100 pesos ($2.). Even so, she was happy because this bar lets the girls keep customer tips individually (rather than shared in a tip jar), and with lady drink commissions, she makes enough to support her family. So, yeah, I could act all holier than thou and decline to participate in providing compensation for these friendly and hard-working girls. But then I’d feel guilty and selfish. The girls mean nothing to me on an emotional level. I don’t play touchy-feely with them (I even decline their shoulder rubs these days), so I just don’t feel like I have anything to apologize for or be ashamed of.
Anyway, I hope you are right about Swan being the key to my finally escaping that damn samsara. I respect her and hope I prove worthy of her love. A shared life seems more satisfying than a solitary existence, at least in my imagination. Sharing your heart comes with some risk, of course, but I’ll take that chance one more time and see what happens. If things do go south, her staying or going will be situational. I’ve managed to maintain friendships with most of my exes over the years, and if that’s the case with Swan, she’d be welcome to sleep in the basement with my other helpers. Knowing Swan, I expect she’d want to move, though.
Today’s the day. Let’s get started on the next chapter of my tragicomedy life!
I reject the premise that visiting bars or judging a dance competition is indicative of a lack of commitment. I’m not doing anything in the bars I wouldn’t do if Swan were there beside me. Moreover, from the beginning, I told Swan about my bargirl “friends” and that I occasionally buy lady drinks for them. I brought her with me to an SOB so she could see for herself that it was a legitimate event. I expect I’ll be spending less time in bars because Swan provides a better option, but I have zero remorse or shame about visiting my favorites in the bars occasionally.
And here’s the heart of it: the basic unwillingness to do what really needs to be done or to see things as they really are. There’s a sort of self-protective self-image dynamic at play, here—a reality-distortion filter. If often seems to me that you spend a lot of time and effort fooling yourself into thinking your actions are nobler than they are.*
As commenter Jimbo put it:
You still go out drinking daily, go walking daily. That’s the same.
During your drinking, you enjoy talking and flirting with bargirls, and buying drinks and food for some of them, at least one of whom you’ve had sexual relations with. Since all these are transactional and largely benefit the girls, I’m certain that they’d prefer that you don’t stop these activities. Even you can see how it’ll be impossible to continue drinking in these places if you bring your lover….how would you take admiring pictures of Joy erotically enjoying the food you buy her? (Yes, this is your cue to claim that it’s all innocent, generous and not that deep)
Here is the shape of your samsara:
1. Commenters act as Greek chorus, warning of impending doom, their warnings rooted in experience, common sense, or some combination.
2. John: Oh, this is nothing. Come on, guys. It’s meaningless. The ladies mean nothing to me.
3. Commenters: the fact that these interactions are all with ladies definitely means something. Open your eyes.
4. John: I refuse to open my eyes.
[Disaster happens, as the chorus warned.]
5. John: Oh, well. I guess this is my lot in life.
[No deep self-examination happens, just a superficial intellectual acknowledgment that “the one thing in common in all these situations is me.” Reset to Square One, but with a different woman this time.]
This is why Indian traditions see life as a painful, grinding wheel that you need to escape from. Otherwise, it’s a hell that repeats over and over, and it’s your own ignorance and stupidity that chain you to the wheel. Liberation from the wheel requires, shall we say, smarter behavior.
__________
*I think all of us stand accused on this point because we all want to think of ourselves as the heroes of our own stories. So this isn’t just you, and I’m not saying this from any moral high ground. Facing facts and realizing we’re not always heroic is a painful experience; God only knows how many times I haven’t really lived up to my own self-image. So the instinctive preservation of a noble-seeming ego isn’t irrational; it’s baked into our nature. But the only way for any of us to improve is to pierce through the veil of self-deception and take a good, hard look at why we continue to fail. And it’s right there, at the level of our most basic habits, at the place where we refuse to make fundamental-but-necessary changes, that changes need to be made.
James Clear, in Atomic Habits (which I’m reading now), says:
You get what you repeat.
Act the barfly, attract barflies, live a barfly’s life. Maybe it’s time, at age 68, to aim for something higher and better.
Perhaps it is my destiny to aspire for a different future while refusing to let go of the past. My bar life is what it is, but I can’t, won’t, and don’t see it as being evil in any way, shape or form. That doesn’t mean I won’t pursue better options that arise; I don’t see what I’m doing as wrong.
I respect that you and others hold a contrary opinion and appreciate that y’all care enough to try and help me see the light. Perhaps I’ve been cursed with a blind eye. It could be at 68 I’m firmly set in my ways.
While I have been somewhat critical of John‘s relationship strategies in the past, I can see where he is coming from in regards to visiting the bar‘s, etc. I do not see that, in and of itself, as showing a lack of commitment to Swan.
In the US, there are plenty of married guys who go to, for example, a Hooters restaurant without their spouse or partner, and I would bet that most of them are still committed to their spouse or partner. I have spent enough time in developing countries to understand that something like a lady drink is the equivalent of a tip in the US.
I don’t think anyone would say that if a guy goes to a Hooters on a fairly regular basis, maybe with some friends, maybe solo, sits at the bar, chats with the female bartender, and leaves her a tip at the end of the evening, he’s showing that he is not committed to his relationship.
Now if in the future, John always prioritizes going to the bars rather then spending time with Swan, then that is a red flag. For example, Swan has something planned for a Friday evening and John says, “sorry, have to go watch the SOB contest”, then yeah, that’s a problem.
I’m not overly optimistic on how this current relationship will play out, but hoping for the best.
Thanks for putting a nice bow on my comments,Kevin.
But I definitely support this cycle of misery. In fact, it is this myopic self-deception that keeps him going. John yearning for a committed stable relationship while actively flirting in bars and carrying on his usual hobbies is what has kept him going.
I’m sure we all remember that this is a man who’s been married a few times. Do you know how boring that can be? Sitting at home, watching TV together, talking about nothing, arguing about nothing …..and then you bring in cultural misunderstandings. At your age, you’re set in your ways.
But it is this belief that things will change, that some day you’ll get what you crave…..this is what has kept you alive all these years. The stats say that retirement usually leaves people with such low motivation that they give up on life.
John has a few things that literally keep him alive….and I don’t say that in jest .
writing here daily , walking, drinking, using his money in generous acts( or to assuage the irrational but real guilt that comes with living in a 3rd world country) and the hope that he will find a stable committed relationship.
We all have our motivation to stay alive . The more things we have the longer we will ourselves to stay alive.
Look at skinny John and his gf Mango. They probably spend time watching TV and eating soup, when they’re not at the gym or traveling. And the heavy fella Martin has somehow lost more weight even though he doesn’t do the hash much nowadays. You would be bored to death if you tried that lifestyle.
Different strokes for different folks.
Sure, this new arrangement will end in tears. But that’s just to make room for more hope for the next one. And that knowledge, that hope is what keeps you alive. Never give that up.
None of us know the future…but one day
P.S. Sorry to say that I told you so.
but you asked her to tell you what SHE loves about YOU. Her answer was ….what you do for her. You respect her, you are patient with her. She really didn’t have much of a choice in the matter. What does she like about you? We still don’t know. But I’m glad that her answer at least satisfied you.
Jimbo, I swear you are sounding more and more like that voice in my head I’m always arguing with! 🙂
But seriously, I do appreciate your insights. It’s obvious you know me, but I’m clueless as to how. I hope next time you see me, you say hi. I’ll buy you a beer!
Yes, we all have our struggles on life’s journey. I’m not sure what is going on with Martin, but I saw John on the street the other day, and he’s not looking well as he deals with his Parkinson’s. He married Mango, but last I heard, she was living in the province. None of my business; we all have to walk our own road, but I wish him the best.
If my current path leads to tears, so be it. As you say, as long as we breathe, there are always new roads to explore. And yes, Swan’s answer was more about loving what I do for her than why she allegedly loves me. That’s okay. One more piece of the puzzle.
Brian, thanks for understanding. I just don’t equate my bar time with being unfaithful or uncommitted. My ex-girlfriend Marissa always joined me in the bars, and I miss that. And yes, I bought lady drinks and she had no issues with that. I think the comparison to a tip is apt.
And yes, if I chose to go to bars versus spending time with Swan, that would be a legitimate issue. There is a balance to be achieved, and I’m hopeful that Swan and I will find our middle ground.