So, about the Hash yesterday. The Hare, Anal Receptive, provided two options:
It should come as no surprise which trail I chose to hike.
If that view looks familiar, it’s because this portion of the Hash trail was the same route we hiked on Friday, just in the opposite direction.
The fun continued at the after-Hash gathering at It Doesn’t Matter. Then we were homeward bound. And yes, I had someone to share my bed last night.
Some commenters have asked for some background on what happened with Swan. I don’t want to invade her privacy (more than I already have), so I’ll just say this about it: We had an argument on Saturday night over something stupid that had nothing to do with our relationship. Basically, an asshole we both know came into the bar we were at, and that triggered my hate reaction. We were leaving anyway, but on the trike ride home, I began venting about the asshole. Swan told me to calm down and forget about him. I took that as her defending the asshole, and I guess I raised my voice to a higher level. Okay, maybe I was shouting. We arrived home, and she wouldn’t talk to me. I sat stewing on the front porch when Swan came out of the house and started walking down the street. I repeatedly called out to her to come back home, and she ignored me. A few minutes after she had turned the corner and disappeared, I got a message from her to keep the door open so she could pack some clothes. When she got back home, I tried again to get her to stay and talk about it, but she didn’t respond. A few minutes later, she walked off wearing her backpack. And then I got a message saying, “it’s over.”
Okay, obviously, I was the culprit in this situation. I shouldn’t have lost my temper over something that is not important–the asshole isn’t worth it. But I also thought Swan’s reaction was over the top. I just couldn’t understand why she would end a three-year relationship because of this incident. So, it made me wonder if she was just looking for an excuse to leave me. That hurt, but on the other hand, I love her, and if she is not happy with me, she should move on with her life. And that’s where things stood while I tried to figure out what my future alone would look like. Would I stay in Barretto, or move somewhere else and start over? One thing I knew for sure was that Swan would be my last love in this lifetime. I don’t know how long I have left, but I’ll be with her, or I’ll be loveless.
We had a long talk about the situation on Sunday. At first, Swan suggested she move to the basement and continue to be my caregiver. I told her having my ex living downstairs wouldn’t work for me, and I’d be better off alone. I told her I hadn’t yet decided whether I’d be staying here or going, but she didn’t need to worry about me regardless. I told her that her overreaction to the argument made me believe she wasn’t committed to the relationship. Swan said I had yelled and cursed at her in a loud voice. Then she told me that she had been traumatized growing up by the screaming matches her parents engaged in. And that’s why she walked away from me that night. She needed to clear her head. My reaction to her leaving didn’t help.
And then we decided to try again. Knowing what I know now about her past, I will try to keep my temper in check and not raise my voice at her. And if she walks away, I’ll give her the space she needs to deal with her feelings. She assures me that her love for me is unchanged, and she doesn’t want to leave me. And that’s where things stand.
“Like attracts like. Just be who you are, calm and clear and bright. Automatically, as we shine who we are, asking ourselves every minute is this what I really want to do, doing it only when we answer yes, automatically that turns away those who have nothing to learn from who we are,and attracts those who do, and from whom we have to learn, as well.”
― Richard Bach, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah
Today is my mother’s birthday. She died fifteen years ago, but you never forget the lifetime of love.
On to August 2020 in the LTG archives, and I’m enjoying sharing time with Ilene. She is a very special woman, probably out of my league, or maybe we just had different destinies to pursue. Ilene is happily married these days, and we have no contact, but I’m glad she found what she was looking for. I’ve managed to hold on to Swan, and I hope she’s around for the rest of my life.
For today’s YouTube video, I’ve come across a vlogger who seems to specialize in having random Filipinas show them where they live. It’s different and kind of interesting to see the living conditions of common folk. I’ve watched a couple of these now, and he has a weird editing quirk where you see the first minute or so, and then it goes back to the start. It’s a little irritating, but it’s only 8 minutes long; the blip only happens in the beginning. I’m actually curious how he meets the gals and why they agree. He says it’s spontaneous, but my spider sense says he may pay them for their time.
Hmm, fucker doesn’t allow embedding. Here’s the link. I’ll never share one of his videos again.
To the humor, then.
That’s my story, and I’m sticking with it. Whatever the future brings, I’ll make the best of it.
Hi John
We met back in April. You told me about your blog, and I read it fairly routinely, but this is the first time I have felt the urge to comment. Sorry if I am too direct.
You are addicted to those bars and the fake shit from those hookers….laughing at your crap jokes, calling you handsome etc. Not a chick alive would want to willingly hang out in those places – not any normal chicks anyhow. You are in denial – a stubborn fool. I have seen it a million times with foreigners and local girls in places like PH and TH.
You are basically saying your missus wanted to leave you, but ended up sticking around once she realized she would be unemployed and homeless. As if that is any type of relationship equality. All you have to do to get your dumb way in future is threaten to kick her out.
I can’t for the life of me understand why you have been divorced 4 times.
You act like your shit doesn’t stink, but you are behaving in a completely selfish way. Dishing out cash and expecting that will let you get away with acting however you like is a really shitty way to go about human interactions, buddy. You need to change your ways, and fast or you will be on the Train to Dumpsville in no time.
And ranting and raving in public against local girls is a fast track to getting a baseball bat over the back of your head. The locals here don’t fuck around with this shit.
Hi John!
I am also a long-term reader of this blog, but instead of jumping down your throat like so many others, I am going to give you advice, and I promise this will improve things.
First, you’re going to take Swan to a snazzy restaurant. It doesn’t matter how much it costs, you can afford it. I would recommend finding the best Italian restaurant in town. I remember you once saying Italian food is too “carby;” this told me here is an American who clearly has never been to Italy and knows nothing about Italian food. Florentine steaks? Osso buco? There are many amazing Italian dishes beyond “carby” stuff.
Next, you are going to make this restaurant date romantic. You will dress up, surprise Swan with flowers, maybe Swiss or Belgian chocolates – the whole shebang. Do not skimp on this, you’re doing this to show her how much you love her.
During the dinner date you will suggest a change in routines. First, you are going to suggest one night at home every week. You will make food together (grill on your rooftop), eat and watch TV or a movie (you can still drink beer to your heart’s content). This brings you guys closer together and takes a well-needed break from the bars.
Next, you will suggest one night every week (her choice of which night) where she can go do whatever she wants and so can you (this still gives you six nights at the bar, and gives her breathing space).
Do these things and I promise you will have less tampo, more love, and you’ll both be happier, and if you aren’t happier, I think she will be.
That is all. Don’t be a lazy sod and not do this. If you love her you need to, so prove it with action.
Have a good night, my friend. We are counting on you.
Sounds like you kids need to knock off the sauce a bit.
While Leroy’s assessment seems a tad harsh, I tend to agree in principle.
Declaring “It’s over” because of petty shit like this is a real red flag.
But proposing to stick around as caregiver on premises (and thus continue to receive pera and housing) is an even bigger red flag and should make any rational adult carefully consider what that may indicate about the depth of a relationship and perceived commitment.
This type of behavior typically follows after some sizable financial windfall is provided or major purchase or change in status is made and there is no turning back. Upon achieving said conquest, a new sense of empowerment and “already got what I wanted” tends to bring out somewhat truer colors.
Your commitment and willingness to reconcile are admirable on one hand, but should you really need to cajole after three years?
Who really holds the cards here? And who’s susceptible to emotional manipulation?
Who wants to deal with this kind of drama and insecurity as the clock winds down?
Cheers
Sorry mate,
While he might have not expressed it in the politest or most diplomatic way, I’d have to say Leroy is largely mirroring my opinion.
Swan probably wants to be off on her own, but there is too much financial benefit for her to stick around – food, money, vacations, house, you look after her family etc. Nit calling her a gold digger for a second, but money and security in a country where there is very little of either is a massive temptation to stay. Also not doubting she cares for you a lot, but it seems in your quest to not die alone that you are blinding yourself to the red flags and signals she is putting out.
Just my $0.02.
Dr. Greg, Yes, I’ve seen the flags but don’t think they are cause for alarm at the this point. I’ll keep my eyes open and be prepared for whatever contingencies may come. I love her and want her to be happy, with me or without me.
Drain, keeping my eyes wide open, but my life is better now with her than without her. I’m not that easy to love!
Artois, thanks for reading. I sincerely do appreciate your suggestions. We’ve done the “me time” before, but maybe making that part of our usual routines is a good plan. I already took her out for birria tacos! Anyway, I’ll see about implementing some of these ideas. I appreciate your support!
Hello, Leroy. Thank you for your feedback. I am what I am, and most of what you say here is wrong. But, everyone is entitled to their opinion.
I’ll keep my eyes wide open going forward, but for now things seem to be back on track.
Interesting comments over the past few days, and whichever way things fall, i hope that they are in the direction you want. Swan seems like a good woman, but……
At the risk of repeating myself, I think that this latest incident shows that all relationships are transactional. You are looking for, if not love, at least companionship. Swan is looking for………? I think that Swan is looking for security and safety. And maybe companionship, but as much as I hate to say this, i don’t think that is her first priority. If you are okay with that, then things can probably continue.
Given the pretty significant differences between the two of you (age, economics, cultural, educational, worldview, etc.), it would be very very rare both sides to be looking for the same thing.
That is not to say that things wont work out. Just have to be realistic. If you are looking for love, and the best she can do is companionship, then maybe no. If she is looking for security, and you expect her to help pay some portion of the bills by working, then may no. Etc etc.
I am sure that there is someway to test the above.
Best of luck!!
Brian, thanks for sharing your thoughts. We are basically on the same page re: transactional relationships. We both get our needs met, and in this world, that’s enough. At least it is for me. Honestly, if I become convinced that she is not happy with me, I would encourage her to go and find happiness elsewhere. Life is too short to settle for less than you want. So, I’ve noted the red flags and will try to maintain awareness going forward.