That’s what love is. At least according to a Japanese animated film called Garden of Words. I haven’t watched it, but Althouse did and blogged about it today. Interesting stuff, even if you don’t understand a lick of Japanese. The writer of the film says “lonely sadness” can be interpreted as “longing for someone in solitude”. I can relate to that sentiment.
Here’s the trailer for the movie:
I guess it resonates for me because I’m not really looking for love anymore, although I do have my moments of longing. Longing for something I lack the courage to pursue is a whole other level of fucked up. Might not even translate into Japanese (or any other intelligible language). Ah well, it’s the path I’ve chosen. We’ll see where it leads.
Meanwhile, I did have a little Joy in my life this afternoon. My safe haven program I call “friends with benefits” is actually proceeding according to plan. Joy has stepped up and is playing her part exactly as I intended–she checks in with me frequently, sends sweet messages, and acts as if she sincerely cares about me. Just as I hoped and imagined my beneficiary would respond. Good job, Joy!
Today we met up and had lunch at Treasure Island. She’s not much of a conversationalist, but we watched what was on television together (a show called Blacklist that looks pretty good) and had a couple of beers. Then we came back to my place and had some nice boom-boom. We are actually quite compatible in the sexual intercourse aspect of our “relationship”. So, I guess I can deem myself satisfied.
Except I’m not. Even though everything is going just as I hoped and imagined it would, it still feels empty and meaningless. I mean, I enjoy being In Joy, and the sex is much better than it would be with a stranger/prostitute, I miss the passion that comes when you have feelings for someone. But passion brings the risk of pain, and I have traveled that road too many times in this life already. So, I guess I just need to content myself with the safety of settling for less.
I still let my imagination carry me away sometimes though. Take Padz, for instance. She’s been working at Alley Cats for a few months now. I mentioned her in an earlier post and shared this picture:
Oddly enough, when I first met Padz I wasn’t attracted to her at all. Too chubby for my tastes (yeah, like I’ve got room to talk). But as sometimes happens, as I got to know her, I saw that beauty inside. One day I found myself thinking “when did she get so pretty?” Alas, Padz has been decidedly non-responsive to my flirtations. It’s weird, her job is to pretend to like her customers, but even when I buy her a lady drink, Padz seems reluctant to even sit with me. Maybe she’s just shy, but more than likely, she just doesn’t share the feelings I’ve developed for her. It’s too bad really because I can imagine us sharing some laughs and enjoying our times together. Hell, I confess I’ve even dreamed about her. Oh well.
So all that said, I was surprised when she accepted my offer of sponsoring her at yesterday’s Hash. Well, it’s not like she actually Hashed with me, she hung out with the other girls and was usually far ahead of me on trail. Still, it was nice to see her outside of the bar context and she professed to have enjoyed herself.
So, Padz being a Hash virgin, I explained in advance the basic Hash rules. One is don’t point with your finger and another is don’t use someone’s real name. We even practiced several times before the Hash circle commenced. And then when the Grandmaster asked her who brought her to the Hash, she pointed at me and answered “John”.
Another part of the deflowering ritual requires that you drink an entire bottle of beer, without the bottle leaving your lips. If it does, the remaining contents are poured over your head. As we say at the Hash, “it’s like a blowjob. What doesn’t go in you, goes on you!”
Anyway, Padz is a sweet gal, and if she were willing to give me a try I’d probably go for it. Looks like she is going to save me from myself though. Likely for the best I suppose.
Alright, it was a good Hash yesterday. I did a couple of shortcuts, but stuck with most of the trail. We climbed to the ridgeline again and there ain’t no easy way up. The route we took wasn’t as hard as some of the others at least. Here are a few pictures to give you a taste:
And that’s pretty much how my day went. Running late for darts, so I’ll end this post with this bit of wisdom:
Yikes—in that photo of the three girls celebrating their birthday, there’s a dude behind the girls who appears to have a “leaking pussy.” Once seen, it cannot be un-seen.
Snoopy and Charlie Brown need to work on their capitalization. But the sentiment is nice. Live day by day, die once.
“I mean, I enjoy being In Joy, and the sex is much better than it would be with a stranger/prostitute…”
Dude—don’t kid yourself. It’s transactional; she’s a prostitute, even if the trade is more in favors than in money. Hence the empty feeling. There’s no heart involved when it’s just business. As you know.
“Longing for something I lack the courage to pursue is a whole other level of fucked up.”
Possible solution: target those aspects of yourself that are sabotaging meaningful relationships, get rid of them, and then try for love. But, like mastering commas, this takes actual work, and I get the feeling you don’t want to work at this. You like things too much as they are. It’s a lot like me and weight loss: I talk-talk-talk about diet and exercise, but I end up in the same old rut because I’m fucking lazy, spiritually speaking—too content to remain where I am. Changing one’s life, uprooting bad habits and replacing them with good habits, is an uphill battle that is, to be honest, more arduous than any physical climb up a physical hill. I’d rather climb a steep hill once in a while than fundamentally rearrange my life, and that’s the cold, honest truth.
So I’m definitely not saying any of this from a position of superiority; in terms of psyche or spirit, I’m swimming in the shit right alongside you, and for many of the same reasons. Our particular cases may be different in the details, but they’re similar in their themes.
Maybe you and I should make a self-improvement pact—set some clear, realistic short-term goals, then vow to meet those goals by the end of this year. I’ll get back to you on this if you’re interested.
Yikes, I hadn’t noticed that wet spot. Looking at some other photos, it appears this is the Grandmaster. He got the Hashit (a toilet plunger full of beer) earlier and I suspect someone spilled beer in his lap. I hope!
Ha, I noticed that punctuation problem too but went ahead with it. You’d think someone going to the trouble of creating a meme could get basic capitalization right. Ah, well.
I’ll concede that at its basest level, the Joy thing is transactional and could be viewed as simply prostitution. But there are some nuances that make it feel like more than that. I mentioned how she messages me throughout the day asking me how I’m doing. I think she looks forward to and enjoys the sex part–it’s not just taking care of business. She thanked me and sent photos of her grocery shopping she did with the money I provided yesterday. We are like a mutual charity project–taking care of each other’s needs. So, there is SOME heart involved at least. Just not the romance kind.
I’ll plead guilty to have given up on self-improvement in the relationship realm. It’s not that I necessarily like the way things are, it is just that after 65 years, I doubt my capability to change the way I am or where to even start. Still, if you have some ideas or suggestions for a mutual challenge, I’m all ears. What’s one more mountain to climb? And, by the way, I have tried to work on my commas. A long way from perfect, I know, but can’t I get a show’s improvement? I know I use commas much more frequently than I used to!
As always, I appreciate your insights and advice.
Passionless sex with a friendly person is better than nothing, much better than being trapped in a marriage with someone who despises you … EnJoy it while it lasts.
As is often the case, Kevin speaks sooth. LOL
BTW, Blacklist is a good show. Watched the first 4 seasons or so and liked them. For whatever reason, I stopped watching. I will have to re-watch and catch up. Believe it is on season 7 or so.
QP, been there, done that. Yeah, there are worse things than being loveless.
Brian, yep, Kev’s words to the wise are thought-provoking. I wish I were wise enough to follow them more often.
Gonna see if I can download Blacklist for sure.
John,
re: commas, eh?
You can start by adding a vocative comma to your “Goodbye, Buday” post title. I didn’t want to say anything at the time, given the tragic nature of the situation, but yeah… you left out the vocative comma, my friend. What’s bizarre is that you usually don’t make that particular mistake. Inconsistency is your bugbear, it seems, whether in darts or in punctuation!
re: self-improvement
I think the goals we set would need to be empirically verifiable—i.e., filmable. They’d also have to be predicated on an actual desire to change. If you’re telling me, in your response above, that you’re unwilling/unable to change at this point in your life, then there’s no point in making any sort of self-improvement pact. I’ll just have to go it alone. For what it’s worth, I was planning to set up a modest series of “sub-goals,” with the intention of achieving them all by the end of the year. Failure to achieve even one sub-goal would mean failure to achieve the larger goal. A stark standard, but a motivating one.
Those modest goals:
1. Be able to do 30 legitimate pushups by December 31.
2. Be able to do a single pullup, from full hang to full flex, by 12/31.*
3. Lose 15 kg by 12/31.
4. Be able to plank for 2 minutes straight by 12/31.
5. Be able to do 60 abdominal crunches, 3 styles, by 12/31.
6. Be able to jump rope for 5 minutes straight, no stopping, by 12/31.
7. Be able to run 2 km, no stopping, by 12/31.
What goals would I imagine for you? Not that it’s my place to set your goals, but if I were to let my imagination run wild…
Be in a meaningful, monogamous relationship with the same woman for at least four months, from the beginning of September (at the latest) to the end of December. Criteria for the relationship: (1) no major verbal spats in which shouting is involved [i.e., conflicts are managed maturely], (2) no making or hearing accusations of selfishness or inconsiderateness, (3) no forgetting of special occasions like birthdays or whatever, (4) no confessions of boredom by either party, and (5) no cheating by either party.
What would be the proof that the relationship was strong? That’s a tough one. How do you objectively prove a subjective thing? The best I can come up with is the monthly upload of a video showing the two of you blissfully together, maybe with the lady sitting in your lap and voluntarily giving you an adoring smooch. If she’s pissed off with you, and/or if the relationship is on the rocks, there’s no way she’ll consent to the above scenario, and that’d be proof enough that something’s wrong. Does anyone else have a better idea, or does all of this seem as stupid as a reality-TV episode?
Anyway, it doesn’t sound as if you’re into this project, so I’ll write no more about it.
__________
*When I was a college junior living in Switzerland, I got more into athletics than I’d ever done in the past, and one of the things I concentrated on was pullups. (A low-hanging set of pipes in the basement of my Swiss host family’s house served as my pullup bar.)
By the time my year in Switzerland was over, I had gone from doing zero pullups to doing seven straight. Not a huge achievement by gym-rat standards, but a world of difference for me, and I had the flared-out back muscles (a.k.a., lats—latissimus dorsi) to prove it. Those were the days (loudly slaps Santa gut).
I paused when I wrote that post headline, knowing that in a sentence I would have needed the comma. But I thought the title looked stronger without one. I didn’t really think it through, just a passing thought. I just now Googled “Goodbye, Columbus”. Most of the search result listings include the comma, but quite a few did not. Doesn’t make it right, I know, but that was my thinking.
As to the relationship goals you suggest, I lived that life with Jee Yeun for several years. Monogamous, faithful (only wife I didn’t cheat on), and contented, which for me is a huge accomplishment. She dumped me anyway, and honestly, I don’t know that I can set myself up to be hurt like that again. There’s a reason I gravitate to shallow, meaningless relationships. They are safer.
Yes, I still lament the loss and I still long for the love. Once in a while, a woman like Padz comes along and tempts me to try again. If she had reciprocated any of my overtures, I might have had the opportunity to put those relationship goals into practice. As things stand, I have serious doubts I could even find a woman to demonstrate my goal attainment commitment with by September. Probably the hardest one for me would be not getting angry and yelling. Lack of patience and a temper is a bad combination. Plus, I’ll need to learn how to make videos! 🙂
My inability to find the proper “equipment” doesn’t let you off the hook though. Your physical goals sound challenging but attainable. The two-mile run might kill me, haven’t done one of those since high school. How about a weekly post on your blog detailing the steps you are taking to achieve your goals and a progress report? Your readers could cheer you on in the comments section. There is no time like the present, and the older you get the harder it is to achieve physical fitness. Let’s do this!
Understood. NB: it would only be a 2- kilometer run, not a 2-miler.