So, I’ve taken some time to sincerely think about and digest the thoughtful comments I received to the post entitled “Live and learn”. That proved to be an apt title I guess. There were so lessons to be learned thanks to the brutally honest feedback I received. So, thanks again for that.
Other than Kevin, I’m don’t think the commenters have had the unique pleasure of meeting me in person. Being known only for what you write and share on a blog like this is a two-edged sword I suppose. I try to be honest with my readers in my diary-like ramblings, but some things of necessity may be left unsaid and others might be overemphasized because they are standout moments in an otherwise mundane life. So, I think in some ways I might create an impression that I’m something that I’m not. Like being a player that has random and regular sexual encounters for example. By my count, I’ve been with twelve women in the 27 months I’ve lived here. Several of those I was dating, others were one night stands with bargirls, and a couple were friends with benefits type encounters. On the other hand, I’ve come to question my own self-awareness lately so maybe what seems like nothing out of the ordinary is actually quite perverted in the eyes of others.
Anyway, I’m not here to make excuses and I do intend to take the advice I’ve been given in good faith to heart. Whether that will result in my actually changing any destructive behaviors remains to be seen. I do want to respond to a couple of points made in those comments just to explain where I’m coming from.
From Kevin:
…we can at least be sure that your feelings for J don’t amount to love. At this point, I’d say it’s clear that there’s no seriousness at all regarding your relationship with J, and that you’re content to use women the way they may or may not be using you.
I guess I could cop out and just say “it’s complicated”. J seems special and different somehow, but yeah, when it comes right down to it, she scares me. A few days ago she was talking like she was ready to dump her boyfriend for me and I was surprised my reaction wasn’t joy at all, more like panic. I guess I was able to dissuade her from making a hasty decision, but it made me realize that I wasn’t ready to take on the responsibility of being her only man and everything that goes with that. Maybe I’m not her best option.
Has it occurred to you that your ex is probably aware you’ve been with J, and this is the ex’s way of re-marking her “territory”?
She definitely knows now as I told her I’d been dating J. And I think I’ve made it clear that while I hope we can remain friends, there is no going back to where we were relationship-wise.
If you really are seeking some sort of love and companionship, you have to start by eliminating the transactional dimension of your “relationships.”
Yeah, I can now see that I’ve brought a transactional element into my relationships here and that is inconsistent with the love and companionship I’ve claimed to be seeking. So the question is now am I willing and able to change?
From Brian:
Honestly, you should probably swear off women in your locale. Too much of a “small town” vibe. Drama everywhere. If you want/need to sow your oats, take a long weekend and go to city XXX (wherever that is) and repeat as needed.
Yes, living in a small takes some getting used to that’s for sure. Here’s an example from this week: I’m walking home from Baloy beach and suddenly this woman pops out of the bushes in front of me (I believe she was avoiding the checkpoint on this highway). She smiled and said “you’re the guy who is always at Mangos”. Then I recognized her as the woman I’d seen on the beach there several times, just standing around. She explained that she was tapping into Mangos free wi-fi. She then asked where I was going and I told her “home”. Then she offered me a massage. Hmm. Attractive enough and I do enjoy a good massage so I agreed. And yes, I know this seems to confirm the points Kevin made above. Anyway, we get here and it turns out she actually is a trained masseuse and did an outstanding job. When she was done she asked if I wanted a “happy ending” and I told her not this time. So, maybe I’m not totally ruled by my little head!
James left a humorously sarcastic comment, but he did make some fair points, including this:
However, being a fair man, it will come as no shock to you to find that you will apply the same harsh judgment on yourself when you fail to live up to your rules. It becomes harder and harder to rationalize your actions and then your rules become in danger of being obsolete.
I honestly hadn’t considered that to the extent I’ve rendered harsh judgments on others, I’ve also been guilty of the same infractions. I do seem to have some self-awareness issues.
Megan’s comment probably stung the most, perhaps because it rang so true:
If anyone has followed your blog posts, they would see that you have been married four times, had multiple relationships along the way (married and single), and profess about “falling in love” every other day. While reading your diatribe of “oh golly, I’m just doomed to be unlucky in love” might had some resonance, your abhorrent actions tell another story. Stop acting like a lovesick Romeo and embrace your lust filled persona in full force. Eventually, it seems to just be a ‘trick the reader’ into feeling guilty for me scheme.
It is never my intention to “trick” readers, I think what you are seeing is me not being honest with myself. But yeah, I’m the common denominator in every failed relationship I’ve been involved with, so I acknowledge that. I actually did a post tallying up the score of my lifetime of failed loves. I took the blame for some of those, but maybe not enough. I especially appreciated Megan’s perspectives as woman in declaring my actions as abhorrent. And her advice to embrace my true nature and stop pretending to want love has some resonance as well.
Again, thanks to all of you.
So, now what? I’m honestly wondering whether it is even possible to change what I’ve become at this late stage of my life. I really can’t deny that I’m both a broken man and my own worst enemy. Being willfully blind about that is no longer an option. I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do long term (or as long term as it gets for a man about to turn 65), but for now at least I’m going to just stop pursuing relationships. Better to be alone than to keep on hurting people. Including myself.
I’ll be meeting with J. later this afternoon and I’ll give her the news. Not sure how she will react, maybe she’ll be relieved. Several times now she has told me I deserve to find a good woman. When I tell her I think she is a good woman she says “a good woman wouldn’t cheat on her boyfriend”. So, yeah, I’m not doing her any favors I think making her feel that way. Especially now that I’m doubting my ability to follow through.
The ex has been leaving me alone since I told her about J. and said she couldn’t stay at my house anymore. I know my half-assed dual messaging has not been good for her either. Maybe now she’ll move on.
And I’ll be alone and making the best of those sorry circumstances. As my readers have reminded me, I’ve earned every bit of it.
But what a fool believes he sees
No wise man has the power to reason away
What seems to be
Is always better than nothing
There’s nothing at all
But what a fool believes he sees…
A fine meditation, which I view with both gladness and caution. Gladness, because it’s always good to be introspective; caution, because you’ve written loftily before but, as you say above, “I’m honestly wondering whether it is even possible to change what I’ve become at this late stage of my life.” That sounds like a hedge, like someone who will stubbornly cling to his ways, like a toy robot trying to walk through that wall, never learning a thing.
One way to envision karma is as the momentum of all our previous actions and choices. This momentum can exert a ferocious pressure on you: you smoke your first cigarette when you’re young, and as time goes by, you form a smoking habit that becomes harder and harder to break. Decisions pile onto decision. Treating women a certain way is the same thing: you get used to interacting with them in that way, and pretty soon, it becomes natural.
But karma’s flip side, at least in the Buddhist tradition, is that you’re not merely subject to karma: you’re also making karma every moment. This means it is possible for you to break out of a vicious cycle or pull out of a serious nosedive. It’s all up to you, and it always has been. Free will exists in and through our various compulsions, urges, moral failings, and hangups. You—we—always have a choice.
But let’s get real: you’ve engaged in self-flagellation on the blog before; how has that worked out for you? Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what any of us commenters might say, nor does it really matter what promises, pledges, and resolutions you make in public: until you actually move your internal needle, nothing is going to change. And that’s wholly up to you.
As to the specific issue of women: philosopher Immanuel Kant had this profound notion: don’t treat your fellow human beings as a means to an end. Instead, treat everyone as ends in themselves. To use an ancient Greek image, try to see the divine spark in every person—in every woman—you meet. Once you see that spark and how it manifests in each woman’s unique traits and character, it’ll be much harder to treat her as one side of a transaction, or as an object to be mistreated, lied to, toyed with, etc.
By my count, I’ve been with twelve women in the 27 months I’ve lived here….maybe what seems like nothing out of the ordinary is actually quite perverted in the eyes of others.
By my monastic standards, that’s a whole rugby-pile of women, John. Not perverted, per se, but definitely a sign of incurable horniness. Keep that thing on a leash, or wear one of your dogs as a condom!
Anyway, good luck as you forge ahead.
I wrote:
“Decisions pile onto decision.”
That second “decision” should be plural. Apologies.
John, glad that you are willing to accept honest feedback. However, as Kevin and others have pointed out more adroitly than I; “woads are cheap” (if I can paraphrase and maybe put words in their mouths). LOL
To put the proverbial shoe on the other foot – if you were interested in a girl and thought she was interested in you, but you found out that her ex spent the weekend at her house………….. Or, you found out she took some guy home from the bar for a night?………….. Or?……………… How much confidence would you have in her going forward? So, what do you think J (or others girls) think of you?
You do have some decisions to make. You seem to want your cake and eat it too. In your current life situation, you can’t do both. 🙂
FYI, we have met a couple of times John. You and I shared a beer (or three) a few times at Dolce Vida in Seoul. I am not a dart player, so we didn’t cross paths too often, but I enjoyed our conversations when we did run into each other. I actually found your blog prior to meeting you.
When i first started traveling to Korea, I was searching for a “normal” bar to sit and have a beer, and among other search results, your blog came up. LOL The rest, as they say, is history.
Kev, yes I want to get Karma on my side for a change! I didn’t sleep so well last night which gave me the opportunity to think back over my life. Turns out, I’ve always been something of a sleazebag. It will be challenging to change my spots at this stage. I can change my behavior and approach towards women I think by looking for that “divine spark” you mention and treating them accordingly. I’m still working through this whole “transactional” relationship issue in my head. We’ll see what I come up with. I appreciate your input and support!
Hey, Brian! Yeah, I remember that! It’s always cool to meet a reader. Those were some good times at Dolce back in the day. Miss that life!
Yeah, the old double standards. I guess I justified it because J. has a boyfriend and she explicitly acknowledged my right to continue seeing others. Still, I should have been true to my feelings towards her. And frankly, the way I reacted when I saw J. jogging in my neighborhood and my ex was in the house told me that I knew I was in the wrong. Changes are definitely in order, we’ll see where I go from here.