Somewhere back in her long ago
Where he can still believe there’s a place in her life
Someday, somewhere, she will return

But what a fool believes he sees
No wise man has the power to reason away
What seems to be
Is always better than nothing
There’s nothing at all
But what a fool believes he sees…
—Doobie Brothers

I’m not sure it rises to the level of an epiphany, but I’ve been doing some thinking (shaddup!) and I believe I’ve turned the corner on gaining some understanding and insights into my so-called life.

As regular readers have likely discerned, I’m what you might call relationship challenged. I’ve certainly done more than my share of wallowing in self-pity, but lately I’ve been considering more about what exactly my problem is. And as it turns out, surprise surprise, the problem is me. Yeah, I’m the common denominator in every single one of my past failures. Go figure. But why exactly is that?

As I look back on my most recent “love” relationships and the additional loss of what I considered to be some true friends I just couldn’t get my mind around how people could act that way towards me. I mean, I’m far from perfect but I do try to treat people the way I hope to be treated, I’m probably generous to a fault, and I do my best to be honest in my interactions with those few individuals I’m close to in my life. So it is especially disappointing when these folks fail to keep their promises, lie to my face, and outright betray me. How can I be such a poor judge of character?

And there’s the rub. What I’ve come to understand is that these people I’ve allowed to hurt me were just being who they are. My expectations and beliefs about their innate goodness were nothing more than my projections of what I wanted them to be. And that blinded me to their true nature. Hmm, well that seemed a lot more profound in my head than it does here in writing, but I hope you get my meaning. People are going to be who and what they are, wishing and believing them to be what your hoping for doesn’t make a bit of difference. Hell, it only took me 63 years to figure that out!

I think my recent experience with Marissa really illustrates that point. I’ve been so frustrated that she can’t or won’t give me the type of girlfriend experience I most desire. I should actually give her credit for honestly living as who she is, not what I want her to be. Unlike my past loves and so-called friends who always pretended to care about me only to turn their backs and desert me when something they thought was better came along.

As a practical matter how will these new insights make a difference? Well, hopefully I’ll be both more discerning in my choices (looking hard to discover the true nature of the people I let into my life) and also more accepting of who someone is, even when it does not align with my wants and desires. Easier said than done I suppose. But I think I can learn to be satisfied with having people around me who may not fulfill all my needs. I’m also learning to accept that I may be destined to live out my life alone most of the time. And I am getting more accustomed and comfortable with that. Better to be alone than with the wrong someone, that’s for sure.

Speaking of being alone, I did in fact end things with Marissa. It’s kind of funny in a sad way, because once I had got my mind around that she wasn’t ever going to be my ideal, but I could still enjoy my time with her, she went tampo on me and did it in a way that was embarrassing. I just don’t need that kind of drama in my life (heh, she went from being better than nothing to “eh, not so much” just like that). The link above gives you the Wikipedia definition of tampo, including this quote from Reekay Velez, an American vlogger here in the Philippines:

“To avoid confrontation, this tampo thing has developed over the years to where they don’t wanna speak in anger, they don’t wanna confront and say, ‘Hey, you hurt me with this or that.’ What I found out triggers it most of the time is that a guy spent one nanosecond more than he should’ve noticing a pretty girl passing by. Ninety-nine percent of the time, that’s what it is. All of a sudden, the wife, the girlfriend doesn’t wanna talk to him anymore.”

Anyway, she wouldn’t tell me what was wrong and after asking three times I’d had enough. I’m ashamed to admit that I lost my temper and yelled at her, which of course didn’t help matters. The next day she did admit that she was jealous of how I was interacting with the other bargirls. Well, if she had been responsive I could have assured her I was not interested in either of the women in question (I consider them friends that I joke around with). But I have a very low tolerance for jealous behavior and given the overall unsatisfactory nature of the relationship I knew it was time to walk away. As my friend Jerry reminded me, in the Philippines when a relationship ends you just say “next!”. We’ll see.

So, speaking of next, I saw this description of a relationship on the Althouse blog:

“When you think of what it is you’re looking for in a significant other, you’re generally talking about someone to talk to, someone to spend your day with, someone to talk about your day with, someone to go places with and enjoy life. Never in that is there ‘I want someone that’s going to cry at the drop of a hat, or be mad at me for no reason.’… In any relationship, the same exact feelings you have in the first two years of a relationship — that insane, intense drive — always tend to change after a couple of years. They turn to laying your life out with each other. They turn to be more everyday, logical… And for her to be able to reciprocate that way to me, on a routine basis, is fantastic.”

That is exactly what I’m hoping to find for myself someday! But here’s the punchline: the guy describing his relationship is married to someone who is a diagnosed psychopath! I guess maybe it’s true that you’d have to be crazy to love a man like me!

Oh well, I’ll find her or I won’t. In the meantime I’m going to enjoy the life I have, solitary though it may be. I’ll find ways to fill the holes and get my needs fulfilled (yeah, I’m considering easing my stance on no barfines). Minute by minute, I’ll keep holding on.

You will stay just to watch me, darlin’
Wilt away on lies from you
Can’t stop the habit of livin’ on the run
I take it all for granted like you’re the only one
Livin’ on my own
Somehow that sounds nice
You think I’m your fool
Well, you may just be right

Minute by minute by minute by minute
I’ll be holding on
Oh, minute by minute by minute by minute
I’ll be holding on…