My whacked Wednesday was more twisted than normal. After getting dumped Tuesday night, I only managed about three hours of troubled sleep. That’s one way to reclaim my early to rise mode I suppose. I needed to ease my troubled mind and an outing with the Wednesday Walkers seemed like a good way to do it. It was only 0800 when I left for the 0900 meet-up, so rather than ride a Jeepney out to the starting point I hoofed it. It was a good hike with the group and I’ll share some photos at the end of this post.
My dart league match was out on Baloy, so after a post-hike shower, I walked to the Viking Resort to compete against one of the best teams we’ll face this season. Alas, we lost the match 7-6. I played decent, winning both of my singles games, and going 1-2 is some hard-fought doubles matches. And we won the beer round (team game) which is always a goal.
So, there I was after dart league thinking now what? I’d had a few beers by then, but still not enough to completely dull the pain of my broken heart. The few people I had confided to about the breakup were not surprised and encouraged me to just let it be and move on. That seems like good advice. Because I had been trying to be a good boyfriend I hadn’t visited some of my old haunts for a while. So, I grabbed a trike and ventured out to It Doesn’t Matter.
Everything changes. The vibe felt different somehow, and not in a good way. When Roan finally came out to join me there was a distance between us I hadn’t felt before. Maybe I was just seeing the reality of meaningless bargirl “relationships” without the rose-colored glasses. Still, I bought her a couple of beers and some dinner before I moved on.
I didn’t feel like going home just yet, so I crossed the highway and popped into Cheap Charlies. I was given a hearty “welcome back, where ya been?” greeting as I plopped down on a barstool. My regular girl, Alma, was busy with some big spending customer. Soon enough, a gal I didn’t recognize sat down next to me and said “nice to see you again, John.” Nice to see you too, but have we met? Turns out her name is Laya and she’s been working a couple of months now. Pretty perceptive as well–she asked me why I looked so sad. So, we got to talking a little and I learned she is 30 years old with three kids. No surprise there, this is the Philippines. She was nice and seemed to sincerely enjoy my jokes, which of course, were all new to her. But again, it all seemed empty and pointless so I paid my tab and headed home. In bed before ten and up at 4:30. Back on schedule!
The ex came by this morning to pick up her belongings. She wasn’t friendly at all. Just gathered her things in silence while I looked on. I marveled at how one can go from love to this in a single day. It was more than she could carry in one trip, so she said she’d be back later for the rest. She was back within the hour, got the remaining items, and left again. She didn’t respond to my goodbye.
We did exchange some messages later. She chided me for not helping her carry her belongings. I felt bad about that, but the way she was acting I didn’t think she wanted me around. We also talked some more about the breakup. From her perspective, I’m the bad guy and from mine, she quit me over something that didn’t warrant such a cruel ending. In the end, we agreed to disagree on who is at fault, wished each other well, and at least said we’d remain friends.
Watching her pack up and leave me left me feeling more than a little blue, so I took another long walk this morning. No big epiphanies, just the thought that I need a woman who will stay by my side through the good and the bad. Otherwise, I’m better off alone. I fully expect that my future will be a lonely one. It’s a little disconcerting that my pretend friends in the bars no longer seem to provide the illusion of companionship and offer no comfort. Ah well, one day at a time. I’ll get through this just like all the other times I’ve been left disappointed and empty-handed at love’s front doorstep.
At least I still have the great outdoors to provide some solace in troubled times. Here are the photos from yesterday’s hike.
You can Relive the hike here if you’d like:
So, now what? Well, given the generally unsatisfactory experience in the bars last night I might change it up and head out to Baloy. Sit beachside and quaff some brews. And focus on what I have and not what I’ve lost. Again.
You’ve been part of your PI community for a couple years, now, so I’m sure you’ve developed some meaningful friendships among fellow hikers and darters, yes? People you hang out with and confide in? People who are there for you “in times of trouble”? It’s not a total wash, then.
As for the bargirls… no meaningful relationship can ever be based on money. If you remove the money and the relationship disappears, it was never there to begin with. You know this, of course.
“No big epiphanies, just the thought that I need a woman who will stay by my side through the good and the bad.”
Wish I had advice on this front, but it comes down to how perceptively you judge character, and that’s inside your head. Either you get good at judging character, or you don’t. If you’re looking for trashy, there seems to be plenty of that around, but having the insight to know when you’ve caught a good fish is… well, it’s not something that can be taught, I think. It’s more along the lines of what Koreans would call nunchi (roughly, perceptivity). If there’s a way to hone your nunchi, I don’t know what it is. I’d say that your long experience with women and relationships ought to offer you some wisdom, but that seems not to be the case.
Going on four years here now. I know some folks of course and a handful I consider friends I could turn to if circumstances warranted. I’m kind of a loner though when I’m out and about.
In a perverse kind of way, the money relationship is at least honest. Everyone knows where things stand and there is not much chance of being disappointed or hurt. Still, it is emotionally unsatisfying and not at all what I am looking for.
Yes, I have proven over the years to be a failure at judging character. I don’t have any reason to believe that is going to change. I guess I just tend to hope people will be what they say they are. You can only find out by taking the plunge and things do tend to end badly. At least for me. I’m surprised I haven’t completely given up by now.
Just to give another peso of advice.
You have to reset your expectations of what “love” is given that you are looking for someone:
A. 30+ years younger than you and
B. from a third world country
Any late 20’s/early 30’s young lady who would date you (and I mean “you” in the generic sense referring to any expat > 50 years of age in a 3rd world Asian country) is not dating you for love. Especially one who is (relatively) uneducated and not very worldly. That is the hard truth. They are looking for something that you can give them that they cannot get from someone their own age and from their own culture. I believe that “something” is comfort and security.
Will they like you? Most certainly, but if you want reciprocal love in the Western sense, probably not.
Does that mean if (generic) you want to continue to look for the same type of lady (late 20’s/early 30’s, not very worldly, etc.), it will probably be some sort of transactional relationship? Probably.
I will love you and give you gifts and take you on trips with me and maybe give you money when your family needs a new water buffalo, and in return you will pretend to love me. CHECK
I will love you and you will love me back just because of who I am, with no expectations I will give you anything. XXXXXXXX (not going to happen)
To get the “girl friend experience (GFE)”, I suggest to go to one of the Phillipino dating sites. I would bet that there are many pretty college educated young ladies willing to give you a GFE, and do a very good job of it. I travel (or at least used to travel) quite a bit to Thailand for work. Met a few guys who are in that type of relationship. Stipend/gifts for the GF, and a pretty, sexy young lady for the guy. The girl plays her part quite well, gives the guy the affection and companionship he wants, and in return, she gets that comfort and stability she otherwise would not have. Some have been in this type of relationship for years and seems to work for them.
The reality is that finding “true love” with the demographic you keep chasing IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. PERIOD. FULL STOP.
i dont think you are a bad judge of character, it is just that you continue to look for a relationship in the traditional Western sense and expect the women you are interested in to have the same viewpoint.
If you were back in the States, would you be expecting to be date 20’s/early 30’s type of woman? If you were a billionaire or super famous, maybe. And even in the US, it is doubtful the woman is there for true love. Look at President Trump and Melania. If he was some ordinary guy on the street, would she would have given him a second glance? Ummmmm, probably not. LOL
So, IMO you have a couple of choices
understand that any future relationship with a much younger lady will be transactional (could be short term, though it could be long term as I mention above)
Look for women with a minimum age of 45
I am sure you have heard the layman’s definition of insanity – repeating the same action over and over expecting a different result. LOL
Please take the above advice in the friendly manner I wrote it. Not trying to bash you or anything, but going down the same path again and again is not healthy for you mentally.
I like the cut of Brian’s jib. Sane advice.
Brian, no worries. I actually agree with the points you raise and on a certain level, I’ve been aware of them. Acting on that awareness and comporting myself accordingly has been my problem. And you know, I can accept those rules about love in the 3rd world. What I crave is companionship and that can be found if I lower my expectations of having a “dream” love.
Again, thank you so much for the wisdom and encouragement. It really means a lot that you took the time to try and open my eyes.