My life is relatively good here in the Philippines. I certainly have everything I need to live comfortably and well in retirement. And honestly speaking, the disappointments have for the most part been of my own making. As I’ve alluded to in previous posts I’ve yet to find “the one” who fulfills my desire for a loving and nurturing relationship. Instead I’ve been settling into a rather bizarre “friends with benefits” deal that satisfies in a somewhat unsatisfactory manner.
Regular readers will have guessed that I am speaking of Marissa. I recognize that continuing this relationship basically precludes me from pursuing (or being pursued by) the woman of my dreams, whomever and wherever she may be. And while I believe Marissa is a good woman with a kind heart she can also be quite frustrating as at times she appears incapable of meeting my relationship expectations. Consequently I’ve attempted to end our arrangement on several occasions, most recently yesterday.
Here’s the most recent example of our disconnect. Marissa normally works on Thursday nights at Alley Cats. I avoid the bar when she works because I don’t care to watch her engage in the craft of securing lady drinks from her customers. Normally she lets me know when she is finished at work and we’ll meet up for some food or videoke (karaoke). I did a little barhop on my own and dropped into the videoke bar around the time she normally gets off and waited. After a couple more beers there without hearing anything I headed out to Alley Cats to see what was happening. And I was told she hadn’t worked that night. Hmm.
I sent her a message and got no response. So I called her and got no answer. I honestly had no idea what was going on with her so I contacted Cherry, a mutual friend. Cherry advised that she had last talked to Marissa that morning who told her she wasn’t feeling well. That was news to me as Marissa had stayed over at my place on Wednesday night and seemed fine on Thursday morning. I was actually a little worried at this point and decided to finish my beer and walk to Marissa’s place to check on her. Before I could do so I received a message from Marissa saying she was with friends at the videoke bar.
That really pissed me off. Not that she was out with friends, nothing wrong with that. The fact that she hadn’t bothered to take a minute to let me know she wasn’t working and wasn’t going to meet up with me later was to my mind extremely rude. I certainly wasn’t happy that I had wasted my night waiting around for her while she was out partying so I said (wrote) the first thing that popped into my head “fuck you!”. She responded “fuck you too”. And we left it at that. And as I drunkenly made my way home that night I was resolved that this was the end.
The next day Marissa sent me a good morning message and I responded how her actions the previous night had me feel and that I thought it best that we just call it quits and be done with it. She was surprised and remorseful saying she hadn’t realized I was waiting on her to contact me or that I would be upset if she didn’t. I responded that was the problem, it hadn’t even occurred to her to consider my feelings. And then I logged off and took a long walk.
In the afternoon I got another message from Marissa saying she now understands that she was wrong, that it wouldn’t happen again, and asking for me to give her another chance. I told her I didn’t blame her because I realize it is just not in her nature to do the things that meet my needs. She said that she had no choice but to accept my decision and that she would move back home to Manila and go on with her life. She thanked me for all that I had done for her in the past and that she would cherish our memories.
Well, damn. Now I felt bad. I hadn’t expected her to want to pack up and move away. And I realized that despite her flaws I would miss her company. I had been really impressed with her willingness to join me at the Hash and to even hike “My Bitch” with me a couple of days earlier. Was I being too harsh? And then as if in answer to that question, this popped up in my Facebook feed:
When our nails are grown, we cut the nails, not the fingers.
Likewise, when there are misunderstandings,
CUT THE PRIDE, NOT THE RELATIONSHIP
Shit. Well, what the fuck. She had apologized and seemed sincere in trying to better accommodate my neediness. And I’d feel like crap if she moved away from a place she’s lived for a decade because of me. So I relented and decided to give it another go.
And that’s where I’m at. We’ll see what happens next I suppose. I don’t anticipate any great romance with Marissa, but she’s okay company and if she makes an effort to be better at not pissing me off I might be willing to keep her around for awhile as a companion.
Safer than being in love again, that’s for sure! And yes, it has occurred to me that there are similarities in this arrangement with my failed “Plan B” I tried with Loraine. Maybe this time will be different!
And all I can do is keep on telling you
I want you, I need you
But-there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you
Now don’t be sad
‘Cause two out of three ain’t bad
Now don’t be sad
‘Cause two out of three ain’t bad
She sounds less like someone to strive for and more like someone to settle for. Is this what you want? If a person repeatedly proves congenitally selfish and inconsiderate, in both minor and major ways, maybe it is better to cut off the fingers and not just the nails. You can certainly put aside your pride and practice forgiveness with her, but that only sucks you back into this un-constructive cycle. It’s Charlie Brown, forever running at Lucy’s football. There must be better women outside of that vortex. (And they’re probably not at the bars.) Me, I’d say, “Good luck in Manila.” She’s more baggage than treasure now; that’s obvious.
Thanks, Kev. As always, I can count on you for a brutally honest perspective. I’ve actually had a similar conversation with myself. Yes, this is tantamount to settling, but to my mind I’m not going for the long term here. She just helps get me through the day.
It’s odd because although I always lament not being in a satisfying relationship I can’t seem to muster the motivation to seek out something better. Yeah, I won’t find her in the bars, that’s for sure. But when I try and do the dating site thing I just can’t bring myself to ferret out the posers from the sincere gals. And the neediness and desperation from the ones I have initiated contact is really off putting and a little depressing.
So, I think the bottom line is I’m just not ready yet. Marissa doesn’t have the power to hurt me, so she is a safe choice for now. I’ll settle for that until it’s not worth it anymore. Hell, that could be tomorrow