If I had been born a woman I would certainly have been a prostitute. Since I had been born a man I craved women constantly, the lower the better. And yet women—good women—frightened me because they eventually wanted your soul, and what was left of mine I wanted to keep. Basically I craved prostitutes, base women, because they were deadly hard and made no personal demands. Nothing was lost when they left. Yet at the same time I yearned for a gentle, good woman, despite the overwhelming price. Either way I was lost. A strong man would give up both. I wasn’t strong. So I continued to struggle with women, the idea of women.

Charles Bukowski

I’ve been thinking some about this life of mine. Yeah, that can definitely be dangerous. I’m lucky in many ways, and mostly content with the path I’ve chosen. I usually just immerse myself in my routines and live in the moment. What else am I going to do? But then something happens that gets me wondering about those things I might be missing out on, and my peace of mind is challenged by the dreaded “what ifs?”.

Yesterday was a typical day in most ways–the Friday hike, a darts tourney, and lots of beer. But I was also preoccupied with thoughts of “is that all there is?”. In a rare moment of self-awareness, I had to admit that as much as I enjoy my life here, I am, in fact, a lonely man. And yeah, I can usually chase away those blues by remembering all the women over the years who taught me the hard lesson that there are worse things than being alone. Some of those wounds have never healed, and my band-aids like the FWB program and bargirl company serve to distract me from the residual pain that comes from wanting what you can’t have. And then something (or someone) triggers me to ask “why can’t I try again?”. Well, the sad answer to that is because I’m a coward.

So, what triggered all this introspection? A combination of things I suppose. I had an early morning chat with Pearl, that gal I met on a hike with the Wednesday Walkers a few weeks back.

Although we had exchanged some messages periodically, yesterday was a lengthy and in-depth conversation. I enjoyed the hell out of it and it got my mind going down that road of “why can’t I have something like this in my life all the time?” Well, there’s that boyfriend thing, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be with Pearl. There must be other women out there who check all my boxes.

Then there was Facebook reminding me of the happy times I spent with my last Korean girlfriend, Eun Oke.

And then we have the four-year anniversary of my proclamation of love for Loraine and her breaking my heart only twenty-four hours later. A record-shattering event I wrote about in a post appropriately entitled “FUCK ME!“.

So, I had lots to think about during the hike yesterday. Last year I made a couple of ill-fated attempts to have a loving relationship. Regular readers may remember Jessa and Iline. Both of them have found new loves and I am happy for them. I have some regrets about losing Jessa and I’m very thankful to have dodged a bullet with Iline. And so it goes.

During the hike, I saw something that may have been a message from God concerning my so-called love life:

But hope springs eternal and you never know what is going to happen next. Near the end of the dart tournament last night I was surprised to see Pearl and a girlfriend come into the bar. I got them a seat near me a bought them both a drink. We had a nice chat, then I had to play a match. I’m not blaming being distracted by the beautiful gal watching me play for my loss. I didn’t care anyway. They had to leave shortly thereafter, but Pearl promised to come out for another tourney soon. She used to play some in Japan and I’m hoping to get her interested in playing again. We’ll see.

Shortly after Pearl and her friend left Alley Cats, I got a message from Joy at Marick’s asking me to come visit. The bar is relocating and it was the last night they’d be open for a couple of weeks. How could I say no?

I went home drunk and conflicted and today I’m sober and conflicted. I’ll fix the first part of that equation later on when I do my next bar review. Had another nice chat with Pearl and was happy when she said she enjoyed watching me play darts last night and that my attempts at drunken humor didn’t offend her at all. I sent her this quote I like from Richard Bach:

“Like attracts like. Just be who you are, calm and clear and bright. Automatically, as we shine who we are, asking ourselves every minute is this what I really want to do, doing it only when we answer yes, automatically that turns away those who have nothing to learn from who we are,and attracts those who do, and from whom we have to learn, as well.”

I guess I’ve laid down the gauntlet now. We’ll see what happens next.