Time for an update on my love life, and here it is:

I ain’t got one.

Which of course is not news, but this is:

I don’t give a shit.

Yep, I’m steadily progressing down the road of unfucking myself. And one of the milestones on that journey has been learning to embrace the things that I have in life and stop worrying so much about what I’ve lost. Yeah, yeah, no shit Captain Obvious. Well, sometimes the easiest lessons take the longest to learn. But I’m getting there. I’ve mostly let go of the sadness that seemed to permeate my life in Korea, and when I feel it trying to creep back in I just take a gander at the mountains and the bay, sigh, and say to myself “damn, you are a lucky bastard to be living here in paradise.” Most of the time that works.

Of course, I do miss all the good things that come with being in a relationship. But these days I also remind myself of the bullshit they bring too. I can live happily without dealing with the lies, jealousy, and betrayal that seems to be part of the relationship deal. No, I’ve not given up on love nor am I closing any doors to a possible future relationship. It’s just that I’m satisfied being free to live my life as I choose. Perhaps one day someone will choose to share this life with me, but either way I fully intend to be happy walking my chosen path.

And here’s the view from where I am today:

Marissa is still the female I spend most of my time with. I’ve assigned her to the “friend zone” and she seems to have accepted that, although I suspect she hopes for more. And yes, we are “friends with benefits” so that takes care of my physical needs. And that and drinking beer are just about all that we have in common. And that’s okay, for now at least.

Gina, my domestic helper’s friend, made a play for my affections which except for one drunken night of sex I’ve rejected. Hopefully she’s gotten the message and moved on. Moved on, but not out of my house. Turns out she doesn’t really have anywhere to go. So, when she’s not visiting her kids in Manila she stays here sleeping in Tere’s room. Gina does help out some around the house for which I pay her a small pittance. I guess that technically makes her a part time employee. She says she is applying for work in the area and I think she’s hitting the dating websites trying to snag the coveted “foreigner boyfriend”. I wish her luck with that, because it ain’t gonna be me!

Speaking of the dating sites, I had several potentials chatting me up on a regular basis. And then I realized I just wasn’t interested in pursuing any of them. I mean, they all seemed nice enough but I just didn’t care enough to be bothered with it. I knew it was unfair and unkind to string them along so I’ve basically let them all know I’m not interested. Time’s too precious to waste.

I’ve also lost interest in Jessa, although I’m not sure why. I think maybe I sensed that she just wasn’t really into me, but was attracted by the fact that I could support her (and her daughter) financially. Again, I’m better off alone than in that situation.

So what the hell do I want then? Well, I really envy the Hashers who have a girlfriend with them on trail. Not sure how to go about getting one though. I know a couple of guys are dating prostitutes dancers from the bar. Sorry, and I mean no disrespect, but that’s just not my thing. I guess I’ll just leave that Hash companion fantasy in the que sera, sera category.

And pretty much all my other female friend relationships have also done a crash and burn lately. Loraine has blocked me on social media, I rarely hear from Eva, Gem apparently is not going to repay me, and Maria’s new beau has insisted she cease all contact. It’s always good to be reminded just how much others in your life truly value you. Thanks for that ladies!

So, that’s where things stand in matters of the heart. Is it any wonder I’m one happy motherfucker? Acceptance was a long time coming but I’m almost home free now. And that’s a good thing!

There are people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you, ’cause life goes on
You keep carrying that anger, it’ll eat you up inside

I’ve been trying to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2JXAgZybOE