I got to thinking (shuddup!) on my morning walk today. It occurred to me that there is no future for me to worry about. I’m not sure that this realization constitutes an epiphany, I mean, it’s not like I’ve been working towards any goal attainment or making other future-driven plans. Probably the last thing I aspired to do was finding a true and lasting love to share my life with. Having let go of that dream for good I have to face the fact that this life I’m living is all there is and all there ever will be. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that is a bad thing, I’m just consciously accepting the reality of my situation.

I’m 65 years old. What kind of future goals could I expect to achieve in the ten or fifteen years (if I’m lucky) I have left here on earth? I’m retired, so there is nothing work-related to accomplish. I’m living on a pension, so for better or worse, what I have now is all I’m ever going to have. Of course, there are things I still aspire to do, like travel, but under the current lockdown circumstances throughout the world that’s not possible. So it would seem that all my dreams are in the past. Perhaps that explains why nearly all my brain comforting fantasies involve going backward in time.

But here in the real world, this day is what I have. Like yesterday was and tomorrow will be. There is a Groundhog Day quality to the sameness of it all. Hell, you’ve read the blog. I wake up, I hike, I drink, I sleep, and then do it all over again. And again. Sure, some of the details and people around me change day-to-day, but the reality is that this life is what I’ve chosen and this life is what I’ll be living until it ends. I suspect that even the invocation of Plan B (moving to Cambodia) would only change the location, but not the substance of my life. Such as it is.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this life I’ve chosen is a bad thing. Indeed, I reckon some people would say I’m living the dream. Nothing is perfect and I have my share of disappointments and frustrations, but I honestly cannot think of anywhere else I’d want to be or that would make me happier. I’ve likened Barretto to those retirement communities I used to see in Arizona when I was a young man. But this one I’m living in is like nothing I could have imagined back then. Yeah, we’ve got our share of crotchety old fuckers but we are surrounded by brown-skinned beauties willing to service our needs and desires. And I don’t just mean sex, although that is obviously available too. I’ve got friends and acquaintances I can hang out with who share some of my passions and interests. There are the Hash and darts, and of course, the bars to keep me entertained. And every morning when I walk the dogs and look around me I’m still astounded by the natural beauty of my surroundings, even after nearly three years of living here.

So, this day and all the days to come are my future. I’m okay with that.

And so it goes.