Today is everything yesterday was not. In a good way…

As I approach my fourth month of living in the Philippines I am still far from being an expert on the cultural norms of the people here. Still, I try to be observant and hopefully learn as I go. That’s as much for my own protection as anything else, but I continue to be quite fascinated by much of what I see (or at least hear about). The example I reflected on today was a concept that is not unique to the Philippines, but very much ingrained here, especially among those with higher social standing: Mistresses.

This article dealing with the history of mistresses in the Philippines was quite fascinating. The practice pre-dates the Spanish colonial period, although the Spanish overlords and Catholic church leaders (surprise, surprise) also engaged with the local ladies while ostensibly working to eradicate the “immoral” custom. And of course, so did the Americans who followed the Spanish. General Douglas MacArthur, who is still revered here, had a mistress as did some of the American governors.

Anyway, during my brief time here I’ve met two guys (both Kanos as Americans are called) who have mistresses. The first is “J”. He’s been an expat living here for well over a decade and was a frequent visitor to the PI before making the move. He told me his story over beers one night, and it is quite the tale.

J has a Filipina wife and from the way he speaks about her, he adores her very much. A few years ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer (he felt the lump one night while squeezing her boobs) and he took her to Thailand (where by most accounts medical care is better) for treatment. It appears they caught the cancer and removed it in time, but the drugs she is required to take have caused her to lose her desire for sex. So she and J have a deal: he can have a mistress on the side provided the wife and her social circle are never exposed to it. That’s no easy trick in a small town like Barreto!

J’s mistress, “T”, is around 25 years old and is a college student. J is in his late 60s, but honestly that age gap is just not unusual here at all. I’ve met her through darts and she is a very sweet gal. When you see them together you would just assume they are a normal happy boyfriend/girlfriend couple. It appears to me they adore each other. J pays her rent and tuition and even helps support her family. In return, he gets sex when he wants it and a comfortable GFE (girlfriend experience) the rest of the time. From my perspective this seems like a win-win-win for J, his wife, and T. I guess in the USA J would be considered a sugar daddy, but it seems deeper than that to me.

J has told me that once T finishes school he will set her free so she can pursue her dreams to have a successful career and to be a mother. What I admire about this arrangement is that J has given this young woman the opportunity to escape the poverty of the working poor here and to potentially live a middle class lifestyle with all the perks that go along with that status. Making a genuine difference, one life at a time!

I learned about the other guy with a mistress at last week’s Hash, where both participants are members. I had seen them together often, but had no idea they were not a traditional couple. And what really surprised me was how open and upfront they both were as they discussed their arrangement. No shame whatsoever, just a perfectly natural and mutually beneficial relationship. FOM is like me a retired civil servant, although he is at least ten years older than me. WW is I’d guess mid-40s and still very attractive. In fact, when I did my first Hash with the Subic group back in January, I thought to myself, “wow, I hope I can find a woman like that!”. To which the evil voice in my head responded “that old fucker can’t have that many miles left in him!”

I don’t know a whole lot about how their deal works. WW self-identifies as FOM’s mistress. He apparently gives her financial support and I suppose she takes care of whatever needs he might have. They also seem to be quite fond of each other. What struck me as weird was that FOM does not have a wife, but WW does have a Filipino husband! And apparently the husband is fully aware of the arrangement. According to FOM, the husband is not jealous of him (he’s the meal ticket after all) but does get crazy jealous if he thinks WW is flirting with other men. I’ve never experienced a level of poverty that would make me okay with letting my wife be a mistress, but I guess desperate times call for desperate measures.

As a footnote to the FOM/WW relationship, WW’s early 20’s daughter is also in the Hash. Before I knew who her mother was I had entertained the idea of maybe hooking up with her. I came really close a couple of times, but something just set off alarm bells for me. I won’t go so far as to call her a scammer, but she does seem to be quite mercenary. Once she figured out I wasn’t taking the bait, she moved onto another victim Hasher. I hope it works out well for them. I guess she hopes to follow in her mother’s footsteps.

So here’s the bottom line for me on this whole mistress thing. Yes, it’s a long standing tradition in this country and is at least marginally socially acceptable. But adultery in the Philippines is a criminal offense. I’m not sure how those two facts coexist, although my understanding is that an offended spouse has to press charges, the police will not get involved independently. Regardless, I’m in the mode of trying to avoid any action that could potentially land me in the nightmare of Filipino jail. I know I would not survive long in that environment. So, yours truly will not be taking on a mistress no matter how desperate I may become.

Well, this post went on longer than I intended. I’ve got some other tidbits to share, but they can wait until tomorrow. I need to get Buddy his afternoon walk and prepare myself for a non-darting Saturday night.

The Candyman is coming to town bringing sweetness and joy to the hardworking bargirls. Hey, somebody has to do it!

I’m changing, arranging
I’m changing, I’m changing everything
Ah, everything around me
The world is a bad place
A sad place, a terrible place to live
Oh, but I don’t wanna die

All my sorrow
Sad tomorrow
Take me back to my old home
All my crying (all my crying)
Feel I’m dying, dying
Take me back to my old home
All my sorrow (all my sorrow)
Sad tomorrow
Take me back (take me back) to my old home