Or so at least it seems. Take today for example. I thought I’d be spending the afternoon with a lady friend, enjoying lunch and a movie here at my house. In preparation, I had to forgo my morning walk so I could cook the meal and download a movie. And then I get the message from Jhen saying she was on the way but couldn’t stay because she had to go back to Olongapo for her “assessment” day. The pain from that kick in the nuts precluded my asking what the hell that is.

I’ve known Jhen for most of the time I’ve lived here. She worked at the videoke joint I’d occasionally visit with my then-girlfriend before it closed down last year. Jhen and I became Facebook friends and would message on rare occasions. I never had an interest in her as a potential girlfriend but she was smart and witty and fun to chat with. Anyway, several days ago I get a message from her asking if by chance I had an old laptop I didn’t need. She’s starting a college program that has two days of classroom attendance and three days online. I told her I didn’t at the moment but I was looking to replace my current machine and would let her know. She thanked me and mentioned that classes would be starting soon.

So, I started looking around to see if I could buy a computer locally that suited my purposes and also consulted with a friend who is much techier than me. He is having one shipped from the USA soon and offered to let me join in on the deal. So, I went on Lazada (the Philippines Amazon more or less) to see what I could find. Nothing there I wanted, but on a whim, I ordered a mid-range laptop for Jhen. I was having second thoughts about why I would spend that kind of money (almost $400) on someone who is little more than an acquaintance. And then I gave myself the speech about coming here to make a difference, getting a degree can change a life long term, blah blah blah, so I went ahead with the purchase. When I told Jhen she was equal parts surprised and ecstatic. She said she didn’t know how to thank or repay me and I told her to do well in school and be successful in life.

The laptop was delivered to my house on Tuesday and we made arrangements for our get together today. It was going to be a simple lunch–grilled burgers with beans and a veggie. The movie I had downloaded for our viewing pleasure was Pay it Forward. I thought it would be a fun way to facilitate a discussion on how she could change the world, not only for herself but for others as well. Instead, she arrived, had a glass of water, I gave her the unopened box, she thanked me, then left.

I’m not going to lie about it. I was extremely disappointed, probably as much with myself as with her. I get these grand notions of doing good in my head and it always seems to come back and bite me in the ass. No good deed goes unpunished, indeed! Well, that’s on me too. True charity expects nothing in return. And that’s what I got in this case. When I think about how pathetic and needy I’ve become it’s downright depressing. Oh well. I truly do hope Jhen does well in school and if my gift in some small way helps make that happen it was money well spent.

I was going to title this post “Pay it Forward” but I checked and saw that I had used that heading back in April 2017. That post was me bragging about sending my future caregiver Loraine to school and the good things she was doing with that education. Reading that again didn’t improve my mood a bit. I guess it’s just my destiny to live this kind of life. I doubt I’m going to stop trying to make a difference in my community of unfortunates. I just need to find a better way to go about it.

I reckon that’s enough feeling sorry for myself for one day.